Never Let Me Go
by Miouhaneun
Summary: "You were never Helios the savior, or even Fritz the tyrant. You were just a wheel, turning round and round in circles." COMPLETE
1. Intro

**Never Let Me Go**

_Intro and author's note:_

_This is an old, finished story that I am now reposting in its entirety, as a couple of people have expressed that it was a shame I took it down to begin with. _

_I deleted it because I wanted to use my fragmented character and some of the ideas to write a better story, thus I have another work in progress whose main character bears the same name, but I dare say that pretty much all similarities between the two end there._

_Parts of this story are truly outrageously, shamefully terrible, be warned lol. __Not all stories need to be good stories, some need only be entertaining. Parts of this story is Thus: Here it is, once more._


	2. 1

**Wall Rose Year 847 - Military training camp:**

The sunlight was in her eyes, blinding her slightly. The day was incredibly hot, her palms and armpits felt moist, and the air smelled of the dust that a hundred feet had kicked up as they all arranged themselves into orderly lines. This day way enlistment day, and Iris Bachmann, in her sixteenth year, had come here to become a soldier.

She could not exactly say when she had made this decision; was it that day she'd had lunch with her mother about a month ago? Elfrida Bachmann was a fine, _proper_ lady of good social standing. She knew good people whose opinions mattered in the world of the inner city. She had done everything right in life, including marrying the physician who'd come to be Iris's father. And during lunch that day she had eyed her daughter up and down critically like she was a prized possession about to be pawned off. With a few well chosen but cold words she had told her daughter that she would be sold off to anyone who would have her. She was a troublesome young woman, and should be thankful to anyone who'd take her. Ruined and barren as she was. And even though Elfrida was too much of a _proper _lady to say it, her daughter knew she was ashamed to have a child such as herself.

Or had the decision been made long before that? She had never been a proper young lady. As a child she would run off and play alone in the woods, climbing trees and building hidey holes. She loved horseback riding, and the fact her mother considered it 'too dangerous' made her love it even more. She also loved books, and would spend hours in her father's study where he kept books of all kinds. Her mother thought all that knowledge was wasted on a girl. A good woman needed to know how to keep a clean house, know her courtesies, dance, speak well and have other pleasant skills. Iris though was a terrible seamstress, she hated cooking, made fun of the proper language she was taught and danced only if she was forced to. She dreamt of bigger things, darker things... _wilder_ things. Even after the day she got a taste of just how dark the world could be, she kept on dreaming.

The instructor, a scary looking, wrinkled and worn man, stopped before her. He had spared some of the cadets, but most of them he'd given a verbal lashing. His eyes bulged and glimmered wildly as he critically stared her down.

"You look like a spoiled brat who's never seen a hard days work. What's your name?" he bellowed at her incredulously.

"My name is Iris Bachmann, sir!" she shouted back, trying to match his tone, and then she saluted him. He snorted loudly at her salute.

"And where are you from, you pudgy sack of shit? You look as soft as an overripe plum" he replied without trying to mask his disgust. She scowled. It was a lie, she wasn't pudgy at all. She just wasn't half-starved like some of the other aspiring cadets. She gritted her teeth.

"The inner city, sir!" At the mentioning of this she feared his eyes would pop out of his skull.

"Then why are you here instead of sitting on a soft cushion somewhere living out your useless existence?" he barked at her and Iris felt her temper flare. What could he possibly know about her existence. She bared her teeth at him, afraid and angry at the same time.

"Because the backyards smell of piss and shit and the streets stink of perfume. The people there are ignorant, corrupt and lazy and I hate them all." she growled. She really did think she hated them. They at least made her angry, how different could hatred be?

For a second the instructor seemed to contemplate this, and then his face turned into a hard mask.

"You will do as titan fodder as well."

Then, thankfully he turned his attention elsewhere and went for a smaller boy with brown hair in a buzz cut. To her shock, he lifted him off the ground, and Iris averted her eyes. What was the point of this show? Scaring people into dropping out right away? Didn't they want their _'titan fodder' _as the instructor had named her and many others? A thud made her look back up. The instructor had dropped the short boy to the ground and now headed to a girl who was eating something. A potato? The weirdest part was that despite being completely out in the open, the girl looked like she thought she could eat her potato without being discovered. Iris just gawked at her when she offered the instructor a piece of the potato. Her mother would say that people from the outer districts were of a different, lesser sort of people than them. Seeing something like this would add fuel to her prejudice no doubt.

The instructor ordered potato girl to run laps until nightfall and told her she would not be served any dinner. At the news of the latter the girl looked absolutely horror struck, tearing at her own hair. Next in line to get a scolding was one of the boys he'd walked past earlier. A tall, strong looking blonde kid with a sharp jawline. The instructor asked the boy why he was there. The stranger had his back to her so she couldn't see his face, but his calm in his voice as he replied surprised her.

"I'm here to save humanity," he replied. His voice was rich and steady and rang clear, though he'd not spoken very loudly. Iris chewed her cheek and thought to herself that he must be some kind of noble fool.

Women and men would have separate bunkhouses, and Iris felt thankful for that. Sharing bunks and not having any privacy was going to be quite enough to get used to for her. She'd always had her own room and bed, and just the idea of changing in front of boys made her skin crawl. She picked the bottom bunk to the right just inside the door. The others had shunned it in favor of the bunks at the back of the room, which suited her fine. Iris had always been bad at making friends. Girls her age always wanted to do dull things, like play with baby dolls when they were younger, and as they grew they'd wanted to play the kissing game with boys. She's thought they were stupid girls with lackluster dreams. She never wanted to play the kissing game. In fact, she'd only ever kissed a boy once when she was ten, and it had been more of a peck on the mouth than a kiss.

Iris jumped when she noticed a petite girl standing right next to her. The girl had golden blonde hair and massive sapphire blue eyes. Did they even make the uniforms that small, or had hers been taken in?

"Hi" she said, "I'm Christa Lenz. It's nice to meet you."

"Iris" Iris replied stiffly, "uh, nice to meet you."

The girl put her hand out to Iris, and she forced herself to take it. The contact felt uncomfortable, and she shook the girls hand quickly so she could let go of her hand again. What a pretty little thing this girl was. Iris bit her lip bitterly and turned to her pack on the floor. Quickly she put her things into drawers in neat piles, and once she was done she tied her hair back, heading for the door. The air in here was stuffy and she felt cornered and exposed in a way that she wasn't used to.

Once outside she turned and looked around camp. She saw some people had gathered over by the dining hall, and they all seemed to be chatting and getting to know each other. It looked so easy when everyone else did it, yet when she tried she would tense up, all things to say would drain from her mind, and she'd come off as frigid - she knew. Instead she turned her face away from them and spotted a path leading up a slope. Beyond it she saw trees, so she headed that way. She liked running in the forest. The air was always more fresh there, plus you'd occasionally find all kinds of interesting things in there. Ruins, berries, pretty flowers, mushrooms, and sometimes even animals. She started jogging and thought that she'd just follow the track and see where she ended up. She was a good runner, and once she was warmed up she increased her speed until the trees seemed to fly past her. Soon she hoped to be strapped into their combat gear and fly for real.

When she stepped into the dining hall later that evening, darkness had already settled outside. Wearing a plain white shirt and a grey pleated skirt that might be a little too short, she felt pretty uncomfortable. No one seemed to take notice of her, so she looked around to find a seat and spotted one up to the left. As she approached she realized it was next to the boy from earlier today, Mr. Savior-of-mankind. He had a good face with well defined bone structure, high cheekbones, a heavy brow, an aristocratic nose, and a very serious mouth. Mr. Savior looked quite austere, but he had a _very_ good face.

"Excuse me," she tried to keep her voice steady and not sound mousy, "is this seat taken?"

_"Why in the world am I speaking so formally?"_

He looked up at her, and just that made her tense without being able to help it. His eyes were a warm shade of golden hazel, and so beautiful she felt her breath catch in her throat. She blushed, and found it difficult to look away.

"It's not, sit." Mr. Savior responded. She sat down next to him, and despite there being a good ten inches between them, she felt hot and bothered by the proximity. She skirt had slipped up revealing half her thigh and she furiously tugged at it, trying to force it back down.

_"Stupid skirts."_

She looked up and saw the guy on the other side of the table looking at her curiously. He was even taller than Mr. Savior but of a more slender build. He would have been handsome if it wasn't for the fact that he had big puppy eyes that softened his entire face. Instead he looked naive in an endearing sort of way.

She gave up on her skirt and just let it be where it wanted to.

"I saw you running earlier. Looked tough. Shouldn't you have used this first day to slack off?" Mr. Savior asked her with a glance. His gaze made her cheeks grow hot again.

"I like running, plus, the instructor called me pudgy so I guess I better eat less and run more," she muttered and sounded a lot more sullen than she'd intended to. _"Great, coming off as a sourpuss is a sure way to have the friends come running." _Why did she care about friends anyway? She didn't need them... but it would be nice to have some.

Mr. Savior slowly eyed her up and down. His cheeks reddened noticeably as he took in her well developed, womanly physique. Then he averted his eyes and stared down at his food. Across the table nicey-face looked embarrassed.

"Ignore him, he was just testing to see how everyone would react." His ears were slightly red. "I'm Reiner Braun," Mr. savior then said and gestured to his friend, "and this is Bertholdt Hoover." His friend offered up a slightly shy smile.

"Hi." he said softly. She thought he seemed like a gentle kind of person.

"Hi." she said and produced some kind of wry little smile that probably made her face look screwed up and weird.

"So," the boy named Reiner said and leaned in just a little bit closer. His eyes were glimmering dangerously, and his grin was slightly wicked. Her heart hammered in her chest, and she had to force herself to not flinch way. "Is it true what you said? Do the streets in the inner city reek of shit and perfume?"

She nodded.

"Every word of it. I swear I saw my aunt Ethel fart once, and quickly spray perfume all over herself. They all want to pretend their shit doesn't stink. Even the dirty stables smell better, that's why I ended up spending so much time there."

They smiled at the auntie Ethel-remark, and Mr. Savior even chuckled a bit.

"So you're a rich kid then?" Mr. Savior asked her. She liked his blunt manners. She just had to be careful to look at him for too long, because it made her feel funny.

"Not anymore, I guess. I kind of ran away from home." She stirred her soup with her spoon.

"Aren't you a little old to be running away from home?"

_"I look old eh, ouch." _She snorted.

"I'm only sixteen, but I suppose the women in my family don't age well," she replied pointedly. "The law considers me an adult, but at the same time there are other rules for how things work when it comes to high society. So now, instead of selling me to some much older widower who already has heirs, my parents will have to suffer the shame of their daughter having run off to play soldier," she said and felt a sense of smug satisfaction in her heart. See how her mother liked _that._

"Sounds strange to me," he rasped with a hint of anger, "everyone should be free to choose their own lives."

She was about to agree with him when some sort of commotion broke out on the other side of the hall. Quite a few of the new cadets had gathered around one of the tables, and she could hear a boy talking loudly. He sounded young, very young. They were talking about the titans. What they looked like, how big they were. Then she heard him say that titans weren't really that big of a deal and that they'd be easy prey once they mastered their manuevering gear.

Iris looked down into her soup thoughtfully. If titans were that easy to kill then how come the only news that reached the inner city were dark ones; How many had died during the scouts expedition, how much it had cost, how little progress there had been. It seemed impossible that he was right.

"Do you two think what he's saying is true?" she asked Reiner and Bertholdt.

"I think he's convinced himself of that. We all need something to fight for" Mr. Savior replied. Nicey-face looked to his friend and inclined his head, agreeing.

"Have you seen a titan?" Iris asked and looked into the marvellous golden eyes. His mouth settled into a hard line on his face, somehow making him even more handsome in a harsh kind of way.

"I have."

"Is it that easy then, learn to fight and then we can kill them easily?"

He seemed to contemplate his answer for a bit and then he said; "I think it depends on your own strength, but as a whole? No."

"Ah," she replied sadly, "as I suspected."

Later that evening as she was lying in bed she found herself thinking about the boy with the nice bone structure. After dinner was over they had spoken a little outside of the hall. He'd mentioned he thought everyone needed something to fight for during dinner, so she asked him if saving mankind was his reason. Staring deep into her own dark blue eyes he'd cryptically told her that he needed to do that so he could return to his hometown. So she figured he must be from somewhere within Wall Maria. Despite wanting to ask more, she hadn't dared. It was odd, she felt good in his company but at the same time he intimidated her. And after they'd said goodnight and she made her way towards her bunkhouse, she'd felt almost drunk. She felt warm inside, slightly unsteady and her heart was beating a little too fast.

_"You're a stupid girl Iris." _she thought to herself and rolled over so she was facing the wall. She pulled her knees up and crossed her arms in a guarded position that she always slept in. Tomorrow they'd try their gear out for the first time. If she couldn't master it, she had nowhere left to go in this world. _"Maybe I could live in the woods like some wild thing. I know how to build shelters, forage, make fires and such already. I can fish too. Or maybe I could work as a stable wench. But I want to be a soldier. I set my mind to this now, so please god, gods or whoever might be listening. Don't take this away from me."_

She closed her eyes, and slowly drifted off to sleep.

Iris eyes flew open. She was drenched in sweat, and her heart was pounding furiously. She'd dreamt the same dream so many times now, but she never grew numb to it. She felt phantom daggers dig into the skin and flesh on her back, cutting, twisting. Her scars ached as if they too remembered.

It must be early because the sky was still dark outside. As quietly as she could, Iris sat up. Her pillow was wet with tears. She turned it over so the wet spot was turned downwards. She slipped out of her nightgown and reached down for her uniform. Silently she dressed before she slipped out the door, hoping not to wake anyone. She padded over to the girls' washroom and slipped inside.

The bathroom was completely deserted, so she undressed in the open and then stepped in front of one of the large mirrors hung next to the wash basins. Critically she eyed herself. Her long, light blonde hair was tousled, making her look a little like the crazy cat lady who lived in one of the alleys close to her old school. Carefully she worked through it with her fingertips, starting at the ends and working her way up. Her dark blue eyes looked almost black in the feint light of the morning. She wondered how it would feel to be as pretty as that girl Christa, and if people treated you differently if you were. She never knew how to feel about her own mirror image, so most of the time she just avoided mirrors. She was acutely aware of her body though, with it's soft womanly shapes. More than once she'd also seen men look at her the same way they eyed a thoroughbred horse, appraising her rounded bosom, small waist and slightly wide hips. In a few moments they would demote her from a human being to a thing to judge and behold... When she'd been little no one had ever noticed her though. Some even took her for a boy with her filthy clothing, scabbed knees and short hair.

Though she supposed that most men staring at her nowadays when she was clad would recoil if they saw her without them on.

She stepped into the shower. The water was slightly cold against her skin, but she preferred it that way. She washed her hair and then she scrubbed her skin until it was pink and sore, trying to wash away the stains only she could see.

Today, for the first time in her life she had experienced a taste of what flying must feel like. They had hoisted her into the air, and instead of embarrassing herself she had done well. Even Shadis had given her a nod of approval. Floating there weightless she'd felt graceful, like a majestic eagle riding the wind with her wings spread wide. Once she was let down she'd made time pass by stealing glances at Reiner. He and Bertholdt were stood together a bit farther off with another group of cadets. She didn't quite understand her own fascination, but she felt drawn to him. Or well, to be honest he was very handsome, but there was something more than that. After all, he was not the first handsome boy she'd ever seen. He looked... proud perhaps, and imposing.

It was evening now, and she was running. The drumming of her feet against the ground, the sound of her hurried breath and the pounding of her heart were pretty much the only sounds she heard. She felt strong and full of energy, so when the sun began to fall below the horizon she kept on going. Once warmed up, she was sure stepped as an old mountain goat. Running on and on, it felt like time melted away around her.

Until the light of something, flickered through the woods just ahead of her. She reached a fork in the path and halted abruptly there, staring.

Just to her right was Bertholdt, holding and oil lamp in his hand to light up the path in front of him. Just behind him was Reiner and... Eren and Armin? They were all dressed in their capes. What in the world were they doing out here this late, Iris wondered. Then she realised they were staring at her, dumbfounded all four of them.

"Wh-What are you guys doing out here?" she panted and bent over slightly, placing her hands on her knees trying to catch her breath.

"What are we doing here?" Bertholdt gaped, "what are _you _doing here? It's the middle of the night. Don't tell me you've..." he trailed off. Iris realised her uniform and hair were soaked in sweat to the point she was dripping, and condensation was rising from her body like smoke in the chilly night air.

"I lost track of time." she replied. Her heart was already calming and she wasn't panting anymore. She straightened back up and brought her shoulders back so she stood tall. Well, as tall as a girl of roughly 5,4" can stand anyway.

"Just how long have you been running?" the boy she thought was named Armin asked her curiously. She shrugged in response.

"Well, since you're here," Reiner stepped forward, "come with us."

She saw Bertholdt give him a quizzical little look, but Reiner ignored him. She felt the tiniest flutter in her chest as his eyes met hers.

"Lead the way," she gestured to them.

She followed the small party, falling in behind the others. They went up one of the smaller paths leading deeper into the forest. She hadn't gone this way before, but then, she tended to avoid these smaller paths. They were often dead ends, and while she didn't mind running in circles she disliked turning around and going back the way she came. Bertholdt continued on what she understood was their earlier conversation that she had interrupted. He told them that he had enrolled with the hopes of joining the military police, and if it looked like he would not be able to then he might drop out. So he hoped for the life she had left behind, how ironic. They slipped through a barbed wire cattle fence, and Iris who was beginning to feel the fatigue from running for so long fumbled a little bit with it. Gritting her teeth she swung her last foot through, and quickened her pace to catch up to the others who had gone ahead without noticing her struggle. Good. She heard Armin say there was no shame in valuing your own life. Reiner seemed more grim and guarded tonight than last night when she'd spoken to him. Looking at the ground he told them;

"I'm going back to my abandoned hometown. That's all I care about," through gritted teeth, "I'll do it no matter what." Iris believed him. Bertholdt then turned to Eren.

"And you? Why did you choose enlist?" and at the prompt of this Eren made a face Iris would never have expected to see on a little boy. He must have seen something truly awful.

"I thought I had to kill them all... That I must exterminate all the titans myself. That's what I thought."

She had seen him struggle with the aptitude test today; he was right to worry about it. They climbed upwards and seemed to be reaching a clearing amongst the trees. Iris tuned out of their conversation for a moment as they reached their destination. They were now stood on a high plateau and below there was a lake. The clouds drifted and the moon came out. The lake was lit up and glimmered like a million gemstones. It was breathtaking. To her left, Reiner smiled at Eren.

"I have faith in you," he grinned with a hint of steel in his amber eyes, "Eren Jaeger was it?"

"Yeah," Eren gave a slight nod, "thanks. You're Reiner Braun, right?" then he turned to Iris.

"And you're Iris, the one from the inner city?"

"I am yes, please don't judge by it." she jested.

"I saw you during the test, you were good. Can you tell me anything that will help me tomorrow?"

"I'm sorry, but I don't really think so. I was worried myself that I couldn't do it, even making stupid plans for what I could do if I had to drop out."

Eren looked disappointed, but in truth there wasn't much to it. Either he'd be able to do it, or he couldn't be a soldier.

"What plans did you come up with?" Reiner asked curiously. She groaned quietly. Why was the universe so intent on making her seem stupid?

"I uh, thought I might become a stable wench." she blushed and stared intently at her shoes. She heard at least two of them titter.

"I'd hire you," she heard Reiner say. She snapped her head up and looked at him searchingly.

"You're making fun of me," she pouted, and he actually laughed then. His laughter made her fingertips tingle.

"Yeah. Who the hell says 'wench' anyway? Do all the fancy people speak like that?" he jested. She grit her teeth as the humiliation burned on her cheeks. Her temper flared dangerously.

"Yes, as a matter of fact they do you... you big oaf!"

They were all laughing at her now, although three of them were doing it a bit more politely than Reiner who was writhing with laughter. Furiously she kicked a rock in front of her, sending it flying off the cliff.

"No... no. It's like being scolded by an old lady," Reiner laughed. "Don't worry I'll teach you some real curse words."

She sulked, but was secretly pleased to have an excuse to talk to him again. She threw her hands up in a defeated gesture.

"Anyway," Bertholdt cleared his throat, "maybe we should head back."

They started back. Iris felt her joints, now stiff from the cold, protesting as she forced her body to move. She tried not to wobble as she fell in behind Reiner, this time with Eren and Armin behind her. They reached the barbed wire fence and Bertholdt, despite his formidable height, slipped though it without any trouble. Reiner grabbed the wire and lifted it to get through. Iris struggled. Her legs were stiff and her feet seemed to weigh several hundred pounds. She got one foot through but the second one just wouldn't cooperate. This time the two boys ahead of her noticed and Reiner turned. He came up to the fence and lifted the wire to make it easier for her to get through. Just as she got her second foot free, he grabbed her wrist to help her through.

She flinched away from him and ripped her wrist free with such force she stumbled, lost her balance and sat down with a heavy thud. She bit her cheek and tasted blood in her mouth. She saw Reiner at her side.

"Are you alright?" he asked, looking both surprised and apologetic.

"I'm alright, you just startled me," she held her hand up in a disarming gesture and climbed to her feet.

"You sure you're okay? Your face is really pale."

"I'm just cold and stiff and tired. Let's get back to camp."

At the mention of this Reiner removed his cape and swiftly, careful not to touch her, draped it across Iris's shoulders.

"Here," he said, "I've been wearing it all night so I'm pretty warm."

"Thanks." She felt oddly touched by the gesture.

They walked back, mostly in silence. The girls' bunkhouse was the first stop, and Iris removed Reiner's cape.

"Thank you, I might have frozen to death without it." she said as she handed it back to him.

"Don't mention it."

Iris turned to Eren.

"Eren. You're one of the most motivated people I have ever met. You'll pass tomorrow, I know you will."

"Thanks." he grinned, but she could see he was doubting it himself.

"Goodnight guys."

Once inside and tucked into her bed, Iris lay awake thinking. Her wrist tingled where Reiner's hand had gripped her. She brushed the skin and remembered how warm his hand had felt. Now she'd made a fool of herself by talking strange _and _acting strange. Bitterly she chewed on her lower lip. She closed her eyes, and remembered how gentle his grip had been. He'd tried to help her, the boy who'd said he was going to save mankind.

She smiled.


	3. 2

**Wall Rose Year 848 - The titan training forest:**

The wind howled in her ears as Iris was shooting through the forest. She spotted something to her far right and did a sharp turn around a tree at breakneck speed. Zoning in on the titan far off ahead she sped up even more, and the wind made tears form in the corners of her eyes. She reached the titan before any of the others, though she thought she could hear a pursuer somewhere behind her. Iris has always been quick and agile which translated well to her combat skills. Her gas management and control at high speeds were exemplary, she knew. She readied her blades and moved in for the kill. But as soon as she made her cut she knew it would be shallow. As usual. She kept on going and saw the trees clear up and the finishing line came into fight. Behind her she could hear someone, Mikasa no doubt, zoom in and cut the titan she had already tagged. Mikasa's blades always bit down hard.

Her feet connected with the ground by the goalpost and she shuffled over to a large flat rock, kicking the ground as she went. She slumped down on top of the rough stone. She heard Mikasa landing close by.

"Iris," Mikasa said as she drew closer, "you need to cut them deeper or they will not die."

"I know. I'll do better next time, don't worry about me."

"I'm not. Eren might try to save you one day because he cares for the weak. I might not be able to save you both." Mikasa stated frankly. Internally Iris groaned.

"I'd be more worried about him doing something silly for Armin."

"That's true," the girl said with a troubled look and sat down next to Iris. They waited quietly for the rest of their comrades to finish their training.

Iris slouched in the shade with her back leaned against the stem of a large oak tree. It was a hot afternoon, and the sun had burned her face slightly during their training earlier, so her cheeks and nose felt hot. The small, black, leather bound book she held in her hands was worn from having been read countless of times. It was a poetry collection she had found almost ten years ago in her father's study. He had a hidden compartment behind one of the bookshelves, and from there Iris had borrow this small unnamed book. None of the works were accredited to anyone, even though they all had titles. She'd always thought it was a mysterious book, because the styles of the poems inside were too varied for them to have been written by one person. Yet no one had signed their work. She had borrowed the book from her father, and forgotten to return it for years. Finally she felt like it belonged to her, since he obviously had not noticed it missing. Most of the poems inside were dark and sad, but she had always found those tales the most interesting.

She lifted her eyes from the book and stared into the brushes and greenery without really seeing it. She thought of how she wished she could go home once more, and claim more of her father's books. Especially the strange ones he'd thought fit to keep hidden from his family. Why had he done that? Her father was not a man to keep secrets, she thought. He was just a soft spoken man with odd little hobbies. A man she had loved and admired when she was little. Even now she felt the dagger twist inside her when she thought of him, and all that he had meant to her. All that he had taught her. She thought of the gaping hole he'd left in her life and in her heart. She imagined him sitting in his clinic now, bent over some paperwork he would not put down until he was finished with it. Then he'd take his hat from the hanger by the door, and head home. Back to the house his daughter no longer lived in. Did he care? Did he ever open her door to peek inside, hoping to find her there again even though he must know she would not return? And again, like so many times before she wondered why he had abandoned her when she had needed him the most. Some part of her even wondered if he had ever loved her at all, though he must have. At least at some point.

"Iris?" she heard someone say. She blinked, and realised the world was blurry around her. The breeze moved some strands of her hair into her eyes, and she brushed them away. Her fingertips found tears on her cheeks.

"What's wrong?" Reiner urged her as he sat down against the tree next to her.

"I just read something sad." The lie escaped her lips before she had a chance to think it through.

"If you're going to lie, you should do it better than that. You weren't even looking at your book."

"Maybe I finished the poem before it made me sad," she feebly argued, mostly for the sake of it since she knew he'd never believe it.

"Sure," he sighed and paused for a moment. "What were you thinking about though?"

She bit her lip and tried to figure out what to tell him. It was difficult for her to talk about things, because when she went through what she wanted to say in her head, it always sounded stupid. So most of the time she said nothing, or cracked a joke to derail the situation. It's not like she wanted to seem pathetic to Reiner either.

"Do you have a family out there somewhere Reiner?" He had never mentioned them in the year they had known each other, even though they spoke pretty much every single day about everything between heaven and earth. She figured they were probably dead, considering what Bertholdt had told her about the day titans reached their village after Maria fell. But she didn't know how else to bring it up.

When he didn't reply for a long time she turned to look at him. His wonderful, deep hazel eyes were distant, and he looked deep in thought. She waited.

"Not anymore," he finally said, "but I used to have a mother at least. Never knew my father. He didn't want us." There was a harshness in the way he said 'father'. She looked down at her hands.

"I was wondering if someone could pretend to love you for many years, and if they could do it so well you'd believe them." she mumbled and leaned her head back against the tree trunk.

"Maybe," she heard Reiner muse, "some people are really good at pretending. Do you want to tell me about it?"

"Oh yes of course," she jested, wanting to lighten the mood. She knew it was a vice of hers, as soon as something became too personal she just wanted to stuff it into the back of her mind and joke it away. "I want to spill my deepest secrets while I cry on your lap," she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You should, I might be able to offer you some great advice. After all I'm the biggest pretender of them all," he joked and grinned. She smiled back at him.

"Good one. Your stupidly honest face would never be able to fool anyone," she snorted. He chuckled and ran his fingers through his hair.

"You're right, I'm a shitty liar. Which is why I'm able to spot other shitty liars so well. And you're the worst of them all. But, out of the kindness of my heart, I'm going to teach you a trick." His eyes dug into hers, and her cheeks felt a little hot with something other than just sunburn. "Learn to tell the truth as if it's a lie, and lie like it's the truth; once you do no one will know what's what."

"I'm starting to think you might be quite a shady character," she jested, though part of her meant it. She studied his face. The square jaw, stern mouth, hooked nose and deep golden eyes with a hint of steel in them. A year older now and less boyish than when she first met him. He'd grown even taller, and even more muscular. Age suited him very well she thought.

"Do I have something on my face?" he smirked. Her cheeks grew even hotter and she averted her eyes to stare into the distance.

"I was just thinking of how ironic it is. That you want to go home, while I want to go anywhere but home."

"That is pretty ironic yeah."

"If you could, would you want to trade places with me?" she asked and looked to him. His expression was unreadable.

"No, I wouldn't want that."

"Sometimes I think I'd make that trade. Like you said once, we need something to fight for. Going home seems to be one of the good things to fight for."

At the mention of that, Reiner looked at his hands.

"To be honest I'm not sure my fate is any better."

They both sat quiet for a little while.

"I'm joining the survey corps after graduation." Iris surprised herself by saying.

"You?" he asked her, incredulous. "Why?"

"Because I know what's inside these walls. But think about it - what do we know about the world outside? Nothing. If we don't even know how big it is, how can we possibly know we're really the last humans? And even if we are there should be ruins everywhere. And by going there and seeing them we could learn so much of how people lived... So I want to go out there and find out for myself," she said heatedly, smiling. Her tears were long forgotten now, instead she pictured what might be out there, just waiting to be discovered. Reiner chuckled.

"You looked like an excited little kid just now. It was weird."

She felt her smile fade from her face. Weird in a bad way? Had she looked stupid? Why did she care, it's not like he didn't know all her stupid faces by now... It would all be a lot simpler if he wasn't so darned good looking all the time. Inconsiderate, gorgeous _jerk_.

"A good kind of weird," he added, noticing her reaction. "Do it more often. You're way too serious for your age sometimes; I mean what kind of girl reads poetry? And you still swear like an old lady."

"Shut up," she snapped. He clasped his hand over his heart.

"Ow, _you wound me, m'lady_," he mocked.

"You should be careful to provoke a woman who'll be equipped with very long, very sharp blades in the near future," she grinned, despite herself. His smile was so warm she felt like she was melting. Or perhaps it was just the heat.

"I'll keep that in mind. Come on, let's go see what kind of special feast they have prepared for us on our one year anniversary. Sasha's been hinting at a buffet of some sort."

They walked side by side over to the dining hall. On the platform in the front Ymir was hovering around Christa as usual. Iris had never quite understood why Ymir kept insisting to keep up the premise that she was selfish when she would do anything for Christa. She ignored the smirk and the look Ymir gave her and Reiner as they approached. She always did that, and the more Iris squirmed the more sly and happy Ymir became. But Iris liked her anyway, just like she liked Christa. Apart from Reiner, they were the people she really felt close to so far. And for her, three friends was nothing short of a miracle. She waved to the girls.

"Have you seen what it looks like inside?" Christa asked them once they reached the steps, her eyes glimmering.

"No, does it look different inside?" Reiner replied with his eyebrow raised.

"Oh yes, go look!"

Inside the dining hall, all the individual tables had been turned into one long table so that everyone could sit together. On the table someone had set a feast unlike anything Iris had seen in ages. Pork sausages, roasts, potatoes, creamed kale, vegetable stews, grilled fish, pickled onions and much more. Many were already seated, the air vibrated with talking voices and the clanging of cutlery.

"I haven't eaten this well since I left home." she told Reiner who was right behind her.

"I'm not sure I've ever eaten this well." He murmured, and she suddenly felt a little embarrassed. It was easy for her to forget that even before wall Maria fell, the people out there had been fairly poor leading simple lives. She spotted Eren, Armin, Mikasa, Annie and Bertholdt sitting close together by the table, so she made her way there and sat down opposite of Eren. To her surprise, his face was rather grim.

"Are you alright Eren?" she asked him, and he looked up at her thoughtfully.

"Yeah," he replied as his face shifted into what looked to her like anger mixed with sadness, "I was just thinking about how we could eat a lot more meat if it wasn't for the titans."

In truth, Iris suspected something about the food had reminded him of his mother. A few months ago Armin had told her that Eren and Mikasa had seen her get eaten before their eyes. Just the thought of it sent a shiver down her spine. To her left, Sasha sat down, and then Connie, Jean and Marco joined them in the seats at the end of the table. All around her people chatted, laughed and stuffed the most delicious food they'd had in ages into their hungry mouths.

"Did you hear," Connie said loudly "Hanna and Franz have been seen together _a lot _lately." His eyes glimmered dangerously, and it was pretty clear what he was hinting at. Iris rolled her eyes and helped herself to the food. She tried a piece of onion pie, and was delighted to find that it melted in her mouth. She hummed with pleasure and took another bite.

"Do you like it?" Sasha's eyes glimmered. "I made it."

"It's great! I didn't know you were such a good cook." Iris gaped at the girl. Sasha was such a goof it was difficult for her to imagine her producing such a delicate crust. Sasha told her of her family originally being hunters, but after the fall of Maria they'd changed their ways, so Sasha had learned to cook with grain and vegetables. Though judging by what she wolfed down herself, she still preferred meat.

Reiner always had an appetite, but tonight he seemed to have resolved to eat half the feast himself. Half-amused and half-shocked she found herself gawking at him once he helped himself to a third serving. He felt her eyes on him and shot her a look.

"What? I work hard you know," he grinned, and she rolled her eyes at him. She was starting to feel rather full herself and decided to stop eating. It had been a year now, but Shadis calling her pudgy still hurt a little.

She was completely unprepared when she suddenly smelled the heavy, pungent stench of alcohol. She felt her stomach turn, and her head snapped around, trying to figure out where the horrible smell was coming from. She saw a couple of bottles being passed down the rows, and most people took a glass of the clear liquid. She gagged, and felt food and rancid stomach acid rise up her throat. She forced it back down, and felt she had to get out of there. Now.

Iris rose quickly, hitting her knees against the table slightly causing her cutlery to clang against her plate.

"Where are you going?" Reiner asked her, surprised.

"I have to go," she croaked stiffly, turned on her heel and quickly made it for the door. She noticed Ymir look up and give her a questioning look as she hurried past, but her head was spinning and she felt like she was choking. So she just shook her head and rushed past. Once outside greedily sucked fresh air into her lungs. Her insides were still turning, and her stomach felt sour. But what was much worse than that was the pain in her chest. She felt dirty, as if the alcohol had seeped into her pores, making her stink. An iron hand clasped her heart and squeezed hard, and she found it hard to breathe. Fighting against the panic attack she started walking, not really paying attention to where she was heading. Her ears rang, and suddenly she tasted blood in her mouth. Whether she'd bit her cheek or if she was imagining it she did not know. But she knew the metallic taste well. Her scars felt like they had been set ablaze.

She was walking up a slope heading into the titan forest when she heard running footsteps behind her. For one terrible second she thought; _"He's coming." _and her blood ran cold. But then she recognised the sound of those footsteps. She hyperventilated.

_"Reiner"_

"Hey Iris, wait for me!" he called, but she couldn't stop.

He caught up to her within seconds anyway, although panting slightly.

"What's wrong?" he huffed and then noticed her forced breathing, "Iris, stop. You'll pass out if you keep doing that. Calm down." He blocked her path, forcing her to stop. She tried to calm her breathing, counting her breaths silently in order to not start hyperventilating again. The invisible hand's grip around her heart was cold and hard. Her back hurt as if the wounds were fresh again. Despite the years that had passed by, her body remembered the pain so well. Dark spots danced before her eyes, and she let her knees give so sagged to the ground with a thud.

"Panic attack," she gasped so Reiner would understand. He just looked confused however. Perhaps he'd never seen or even heard of it before. He crouched before her, and looked at her searchingly.

"I'm not going to pretend like I understand what's going on, just take your time. You went freakishly pale back there and started acting weird... Do you need anything or should I just shut up?"

She only managed to shake her head. But he sat quietly after that and waited while she waited for the panic to subside. Memories she did not care to think about pushed their way to the surface, but she forced them back down. Compartmentalisation the doctor had called it. It was just that damned smell. That _stench..._

"It's over," she croaked once she could actually breathe again. Her stomach had calmed down as well.

"Are you sure?"

She nodded and sat up a bit straighter. How incredibly non-glamorous it most have looked when she plopped down like that. She felt humiliated and vulnerable, a rather uncomfortable mix of emotions.

"I'm sure. Why in the world did they have alcohol though? Most of them are too young to drink," she complained sullenly.

"You're a pretty complicated person, aren't you?" he said, not unkindly, but still. She twisted her face into a scowl.

"I've been called that, and worse," she muttered. He rubbed his face with his hand.

"I say a lot of stupid shit when you're around. I never knew how to talk to girls... almost think it's getting worse the more I talk to you," he sighed. She stared at him, taken aback for a moment.

"'Foot in mouth-syndrome'."

"What?" he stared at her incredulously.

"It's called 'foot in mouth-syndrome' when you have a disposition towards saying inappropriate things at the wrong moments."

He burst out laughing and plopped down onto the ground himself in a very ungraceful way. She felt her face split into a smile as well.

"That's it then - whenever I say stupid things to you, that's what's going on," he crossed his legs, still smiling. "You should have seen me as a kid though. I was a pathetic little bastard running after people I looked up to, begging for their approval," he continued looking a little more serious. She gawked at him. It was incredibly difficult to picture.

"Well, I used to have short hair, dress in boys clothing, and sneak up on the stable roof so I could bombard girls I didn't like with horse shit." She smiled wickedly. He threw his head back and laughed until he cried. Iris liked seeing him laugh, because a lot of the time he would wear such a severe expression. They were alike in that sense.

"Seriously though, that thing that happened earlier, does that happen a lot?" he rasped once he managed to stop laughing.

"No, so don't add it to your already long list of things wrong with me," she quipped.

"I won't," he grinned.

She smiled back at him.


	4. 3

**Wall Rose Year 849 - Hand to hand combat training grounds:**

Christa held the wooden knife out in front of her. She was supposed to attack Iris with it, but you wouldn't have to take more than a look at her to know her heart really wasn't in it. She looked apologetic, even though she hadn't made one move yet. Iris thought to herself that once she did make the move, Iris would meet her with her arm to Christa's shoulder. She'd bring her other hand up quickly and knock the trajectory of the knife upwards. If this was a real fight she would then have targeted one of the girl's weak spots. Probably a knee in the liver and then a hard punch to her throat before disarming her. This however was not a real fight and Christa was small and harmless, so she would be gentle. Iris decided to just sidestep, knock her knife arm upwards and then kick her at the back of the knee to knock her over. Then take the knife of course.

Ymir was watching them both from where she was leisurely lounging in the grass some feet away. They'd all paired up, and she and Ymir were trying to help Christa learn some techniques even she could use, despite being so small. The ideal person to teach her this would of course be Annie, small and lithe herself. Iris had seen her moves and tasted them first hand however. The blonde had kicked her so hard in the side, Iris feared she would snap in two. So perhaps it was better this way.

"You know you have to make a move to attack me, right?" she smiled gently at Christa who swallowed hard.

"What if I hurt you?"

"You won't hurt me. And I won't hurt you so don't worry. Now come at me."

Christa did just that, and as planned Iris gently averted her knife's trajectory with a quick jab from below, and then (taking care not to do it too abruptly) knocked her to the ground using her right leg. Christa almost looked relieved to give up the knife.

"Alright, my turn. Why don't you try using the same move I just used on you to disarm me?" she suggested to the girl as they had gotten back up and it was time for her to attack. Christa nodded, and as it turns out she was better at defending herself than she was at attacking. Iris found herself on her back on the ground, looking up at the blue sky above. It was a beautiful day, she thought.

"Do you have any more moves you can show me?" Christa's face popped into her field of vision.

"I do, but a lot of them would need you to stop being afraid of hurting me."

They all lunched together on the grass after training. Iris sat cross legged next to Ymir and Christa, satisfied with the morning's workout. The sun felt hot against her back. She hated the stale bread they were fed here, but she'd also gotten some fresh carrots that tasted sweet and delicious. Close by Connie and Sasha were trying to figure out who'd be on top of the scoreboards if they were to graduate this year and not the next.  
She noticed Eren come limping towards her, steadying himself on Armin. He looked like he'd been roughed up, and she had an inkling of who was responsible for his injuries. She snickered and looked down at her pack of food and snatched up a tin of boiled beetroot. She felt someone drop down next to her with a thud, and knew from the 'Ouf' he uttered that it was Reiner.

"Sorry," she heard Bertholdt say apologetically. She looked up an saw that Reiner too clearly had taken an Annie to the face. She looked up at Bertholdt and smirked.

"You let him do this to himself?" Bertholdt only shrugged dejectedly.

"You know he doesn't listen to me."

"You can't always back away from a fight just because you're not sure if you can win Bert," Reiner groaned. "Sometimes you have to give it everything you've got."

"How about going into fights you _know _you can't win?" Iris asked him wide eyed. She blinked innocently, and saw him narrow his eyes at her.

"I could, if only _someone who could hold her own against Annie _would teach me."

"What a shame you don't know anyone like that," Iris smiled and put a spoonful of beets in her mouth.

"Jeez," Reiner muttered and rubbed his face, "here I thought I could count on you. Some would count themselves lucky to put their hands on this body you know," he joked. Iris breathed in sharply, chocked on her beets and suffered a fit of coughing. Ymir slapped her back and grinned devilishly at Reiner.

"Hey Reiner, I'd be happy to teach you a thing or two." Reiner paled and held his hands up defensively.

"N-no thank you, I'd prefer someone who wouldn't _actually _try to kill me." he sputtered.

"Oh I see, that's why you're trying to take advantage of our sweet Iris here. It's not at all that you'd just like an excuse to put your hands on her soft womanly curves is it?" she jeered, and Reiner's face shifted from a pale milky colour to a deep shade of vermilion. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times, like a fish on land. Iris felt her own cheeks redden considerably at the thought, but was still coughing to hard to diffuse the situation.

"Ymir," Christa came to the rescue. Bless that little blonde goddess. "Be nice. You know Iris is a good fighter, most people would be glad to train with her."

"Oh you're right of course Christa. Besides, everyone knows our Iris does not let any man lay his hands on her, no matter how pathetically he pleads with her," Ymir gushed and squeezed the girl's shoulder while giving Reiner an insolent stare. He pretended not to notice her snide remark and dug around his pack for some food. Eren, a couple of feet away, however threw Iris a suspicious look.

"She's right. I never thought about it before; you never spar with any of us except for the girls. Why?"

Iris, with her eyes closed and her closed fist covering her mouth, coughed one more time. When she opened hey eyes again, she knew they had a hard look in them. She lowered her hand, and felt the corners of her mouth pull downwards. She frowned and looked back at Eren in silence. He looked surprised by her reaction.

"My reasons," she said coldly, "are my own."

Then she finished her lunch in silence.

"Iris," Christa said carefully, and nudged her knee a little. Iris blinked and turned groggily to the girl. She'd been thinking about today's training in the titan forest. She'd thought how it was like one big game, like the horse shows within Shina. Who jumped the best, had the shiniest coat, ran the fastest etcetera. Their training was like a showroom; who'd performed the best in the spotlight today? In that safe, ordered environment. She was just a stupid girl from the inner district, so what could she really know, but she thought real battle would be chaos. That thought always followed her during training. It was all too neat, too orderly.

"Hm?" she hummed at Christa. "Sorry I was thinking about something."

"I asked you if you were okay. You've been quiet all afternoon."

"I'm always quiet."

"That's not true," she protested, "not all the time at least... What Eren said, that's why you're so quiet isn't it?" Christa sat on her bed with her knees pulled up to her chin, looking at her through wide blue eyes. She was so small and lithe she looked as if a strong gust of wind could sweep her off her feet. Iris thought that once she grew up, she'd be a true beauty. The kind to catch everyone's eyes, and earn her the envy of other women.

"I suppose."

"Don't worry about it." Christa smiled. "Everyone here has something like that, so it's not a big deal. He was just curious because you never talk about yourself."

"Neither do you." Iris smiled back at her and saw Christa flinch almost unnoticeably.

"That's because I was no one before I came here."

"Mhm, and I was the child no one wanted to talk about." Iris saw Christa give her a slightly queer, searching look.

"What do you mean?"

Iris thought about what to say for a few moments. She scratched her cheek lazily, and sucked in some air.

"Do you know the stories where things come in the night and steal babies, replacing the child with one of their own spawn?" Christa nodded. "They're supposed to bring bad fortune and be wicked little creatures. I'm kind of like one of them I suppose." she mused. Christa looked like she was about to protest when the front door slammed open, and Ymir lumbered inside.

"Iris, Reiner was looking for you outside."

"Oh, thanks." Iris climbed to her feet excitedly, but Ymir stopped her before she could exit.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

"Pah," Iris snorted but felt herself blush a little anyway. "What wouldn't you do though?"

Ymir just winked at her and said no more.

Reiner stood outside with his back turned to her bunkhouse, talking to Bertholdt who had a pretty serious look on his face. She reflected on how broad his shoulders were. He looked so strong. She thought that few would believe how much was actually going on below that calm, confident surface. She would glimpse it every now and then, and every single time she did, she would remember the advice he gave her once; _"Learn to tell the truth as if it's a lie, and lie like it's the truth; once you do no one will know what's what."_ \- She thought he had been talking about himself that time. But if truths were lies and vice versa, then who was he really? Did she know him at all? Once she was with him all these questions always seemed to fade away however.

"Hey, you were looking for me I heard?"

"Hah, I can't believe it," Reiner smiled as he turned to her, "I thought Ymir was planning to let me stand around here waiting just so she could have a laugh at my expense.

"Nah, she wouldn't do that." Iris replied, but she wasn't sure she actually believed it. It would be rather typical of her to do just that. Bertholdt cleared his throat.

"I need to go find Marco, see you two later." They both watched him as he strode off.

"I thought I had to catch you before you'd run off," Reiner began while still looking in the direction Bertholdt had gone, "I was thinking we could take a walk up to the cliff by the lake. I have eh, borrowed some bread from the kitchens so I was thinking we could skip dinner."

"Okay, sure." She noticed a slightly troubled crease between his eyebrows.

They walked in silence, out of camp and up the sloped path that took them into the woods.

"Did you and Bertholdt fight?" she asked him. His face still had that slightly troubled look, and she didn't like it. She thought he had something weighing on him.

"Bert, fight? I doubt he's ever fought with anyone. If anything it's the other way around, everything's always up to me-" he stopped himself. She could see from his face it was no use prying for him to tell her what he meant by that.

"I don't think he likes me," she muttered instead. The closer she got to Reiner, the more she felt Berthold's eyes on her back when he thought she was unaware of his looks.

"I wouldn't worry about it, he's just shy. If I'm shit at talking to pretty girls he's a lot worse. Think about it, have you ever heard him say a single word to Christa directly?"

Iris felt her cheeks redden, and she had a strange swirling feeling in the pit of her stomach. Had he meant to call her pretty? She tried to suppress her smile, and probably ended up looking constipated instead, because he gave her an incredulous look. She managed to get a hold of herself.

"No, I guess I haven't."

They climbed through that barbed wire fence, and she remembered him trying to help her through it their second night as cadets. She even thought she remembered how warm his hand had been, and how her skin had felt tingly afterwards. She thought that if he'd done it now, she would react differently than she did then. At least she hoped she would. They reached the cliff overlooking the lake, and Iris crouched down and swung her legs over the edge. She kicked a little into the air, and pretended she was bare legged and barefoot. The air would have felt nice against her skin. Reiner sat down next to her, close. She felt her body tense with awareness, but she liked him being this close. She could almost feel the heat coming off him. Their hands were really close where they rested against the ground. She wondered if his skin would be smooth or coarse. Her hand looked small next to his. She wondered how small it would if he took her hand in his... The she caught herself with these speculative thoughts, and at once she felt sheepish. Reiner was her good friend, although handsome and witty, but that's all he was. Besides, he'd never look at a girl like her, not with him practically having the attention of all the girls in training. He was special, and they all saw it.

"What are you thinking about?" Reiner's questioned snapped her out of her train of thought.

"Uh," she said and felt her face turn red. She had no idea what to say.

"It looked like you were thinking of something nice." He peered at her curiously, and for a heart stopping moment she was sure he could read her thoughts. But then she told herself to be calm, of course he couldn't know what she was thinking. She remembered his advice.

"I was thinking about someone."

"Oh. Someone... special to you?" he asked stiffly.

"You could say that," she replied honestly and thought she saw his expression become introverted. "He saved my life."

Reiner blinked, surprised. Had he thought she would say something else?

"Saved you, how?"

Perhaps she should tell him. It's not that she didn't trust him, there's just things you don't really talk about. Things you'd rather pretend they never happened, even though pretending so won't make it true. The truth would make him uncomfortable, she knew, because she'd seen it so many times before. Once people knew they did not know how to react, or act around you anymore for that matter, they usually took to giving you these long, strange looks. Looks of pity perhaps. All their jokes would die in their throats before spoken. They'd become overly aware of their words and actions, saying less and less, until the silence began to grow like a weed. And like a weed, it was difficult to get rid of once it had begun to spread.

Reiner wasn't like the people she'd known in the past though. He'd seen bad things happen, and endured hardship. He already knew the world was a dangerous place. The people within Shina couldn't possibly know, not in the same way. Plus, there was something about the way Reiner was always ready to believe the worst things about people and the world that made her think he always carried a little bit of the terror of the titans, and the home he lost with him. But did she dare risk telling him about the thing that had happened? She understood that there was no way for him to really understand all of it, because there was no way she could explain all the things that mattered. How do you even come out with such a thing anyway? She realised she was chewing her lip.

"I think I stepped in shit there. We don't have to talk about it. Here," he said and offered her one of the small loafs of bread they were always served at dinner time. She took it.

"No it's just... I think it would make you look at me differently."

"No risk of that," he replied. But she knew that he would. Everyone did, in one way or another. This time though, with him, it felt like it would matter if the way they were around each other changed. It would truly feel unbearable. She chewed her bread, and he mirrored her.

"Does it have something to do with why you never laugh?"

"Don't I?" she said with a shrug. "You're feeling nosy today."

"What Eren asked, I've been wondering about that too. And I have a feeling that if I don't pry it out of you then I will never know the answer." She could tell he tried to sound casual about it. She finished the last of her bread, chewed it slowly, and made her mind up.

"Did you like stories when you were a kid?" Iris asked him, and looked into his golden eyes. He met her gaze, and she thought she could see that little crease between his brows disappear.

"I suppose."

"I did too. I liked the dark ones; the ones with monsters and ghosts in them. In the stories the monsters were always bad and bloodthirsty, and the men who fought against them were always good." she said slowly. "But reality isn't like that. Only a stupid child would believe that things were like in the stories." She raised her finger and pointed at Reiner. "If you start acting strange after I tell you my secret, I will kick your ass. You know I could." He chuckled and held his hands up in a disarming gesture.

"I won't."

She breathed in deeply, feeling her heart beast fast and hard.

"Someone hurt me, you know, the way men do" she blurted out. "The worst part was that I knew him. My father did business with him I think... Actually that wasn't the worst part of it. The knife was the worst part. I lost count of how many times he stabbed me. All I could think of was that no one would be there to hold my hand when I died, I'd have to go through it all alone" Her voice was flat. She studied Reiner's face, still and frozen with shock. She raised her hand and tugged down the neckline of her shirt. "Then he did this," she said and showed him the scar from where her throat had been slashed. "I cover it, because people stare. Anyways, I did not die. Someone found me, and they managed to patch me up pretty good." She fell silent and bit her lip while she remembered it as if it had happened yesterday. She felt a twinge in her back, as if the skin and the scar tissue remembered the trauma. She saw him open his mouth to say something.

"No, shut up. I am not done talking."

He closed his mouth again. She looked down at her trousers and saw a small hole in the fabric. She tugged at the frayed edges with her fingertips.

"I was interrogated about who had done this to me, or at least it felt like an interrogation. I wanted to tell them, but pa would be cross with me, I knew it. So I said nothing. Weeks after I got to go home the person who had found me came by our house. He was a scary man. He didn't seem like the sort of person who would make threats, or throw things. He seemed calm, controlled though I could see how much my mother irked him. I could see the violence though, always there underneath the surface. He didn't like it, but he was always ready to use it. It sounds strange, but he made me feel safe. I told him the name of the man who hurt me, and they say that the day after that he turned himself in. I don't know how he did it, but I am sure it was his doing, my scary savior." She sighed. "Now I think I shall never see him again... my parents sure won't help him find me. It'll shame them to have a daughter who's nothing but a filthy soldier. My mother had some grand scheme to try get me married off to some old man who'd like to take a girl young enough to be his daughter into his bed... fuck her, and the horse she rode in on. Alright, I'm done talking."

He was quiet for a moment, and Iris was afraid to look at him.

"I don't really know what to say except... you just cursed. And it wasn't an old lady curse, but a real one... I taught you that. Seriously though, what do you say to something like this? I have no idea... I guess that somehow I just thought you were eccentric. I'd never have thought– I'm such a daft bastard." He sounded embarrassed. She dared look at him then. He had that introverted expression he had when he was thinking sometimes. "So that's why you shrink away when I get too close to you" he mumbled, and she thought there was a hint of sadness in his voice.

"I guess... I don't mean to, I'm just... afraid."

"What did they do to him?" he asked her, and she was surprised by the seething anger she heard in his voice.

"I have no idea. It was all hushed down because he's some important figure within the ranks of high society."

"Scum like that deserve to be shot," Reiner grumbled, and his hands coiled into tight fists. She felt incredibly touched by his anger, and had to swallow down the tears that threatened to form in her eyes. It would just be too silly to cry over such a thing.

"Well I figure that if I ever meet him again, I'll kill him myself. This might sound strange, but I keep wondering what he'd look like the moment he realised he was about to die. I wonder if he'd recognise me. I don't know what would be worse, if he did recognise me or if I was just too insignificant to remember."

Reiner sat quiet for a minute.

"Did you know Annie is from the same village as me and Bertholdt?" This surprised her. Annie pretty much ignored Bertholdt most of the time, and Reiner she seemed to openly dislike. In fact, she was the only person in the Cadet Corps who seemed to dislike Reiner. He was pretty popular with everyone else, girls and boys. She was a little uncertain of where Ymir stood, but she did take joy in making fun of him. Annie however would sometimes look at him as if he was something the cat had dragged in.

"You see, we kind of grew up together. I've told you of how pathetic I used to be; well, Annie always had integrity, and I did not. She was strong, hard working and always despised me. So she likes to pretend we don't know each other... And I don't blame her. When the titans came we ran towards the wall together. All _four_ of us." Reiner slouched down, his shoulders sagged and his head hung low. "But only us three made it there. We were surprised by a titan on the way there, and I was about to get eaten. But our friend, Marcel, he pushed me out of the way... and I just ran away. Never even looked back... I ran faster than I'd ever run before, thinking I had to make it, that I could not die there... What piece of shit does that? I keep thinking that perhaps it would be better of he'd let me-" Iris covered his mouth with her hand to stop him.

"Sometimes you say the stupidest things, Reiner. It's not your fault your friend got eaten. You were just a little kid, all of you were." she removed her hand from his mouth. He looked at her gravely for a few moments.

"It _is _my fault; all the things I have done, and all I have yet to do... Sometimes I even wish I had never come here."

Unthinking, she moved her hand and placed it on top of his. His hand was large and warm. He stiffened with surprise and stared incredulously at her hand for a moment, before looking up at her. Holding her gaze he turned his hand, and cradled her smaller hand in his own. Gently she entwined her fingers with his and gave his hand a long squeeze.

"I'm glad you're here and I'm sure your friend is too. I'm sure he would be proud of you if he saw you now."

He smiled, and she felt her heart flicker just a little bit. He always cheered her up with his smiles. She blinked, and when she looked at him again she thought his smile looked forced. He must be more troubled by his friend's sacrifice than he let on.

"Sometimes you say the soppiest things... You're weird that way"

"Seriously, Reiner. Let go of this stupid idea you have that people are either good or bad. That stuff is for children. Going on living when that's what your friend wanted isn't shameful."

Iris pushed herself closer to him, her hand still in his, and leaned her head against his shoulder. He was warm and steady.

"This is nice." Iris mumbled.

"It is." he replied hoarsely.

"... Am I really that weird?" He paused to think about it for a moment.

"Yes, but that's one of the things I like about you."

They sat like that for a long time; close together, her head on his broad shoulder, hand in hand.


	5. 4

**Wall Rose Year 850 - Military training camp - Women's bunkhouse:**

Iris did not quite know what to do with herself. Sitting alone in the women's bunkhouse, she was thinking way too much and doing way too little. Her three years of training as a cadet would soon be over, but she felt like she had learned very little. She had expected... to feel harder perhaps. Controlled and strong and all those things that the soldiers in the stories had read were. But those had been childish fantasies too, she supposed. A little girl sitting in a tree, reading from a tattered book ten years ago had believed in the stories though. She had thought putting on a uniform equalled putting on emotional armour as well. But as it usually was, reality was nothing like the stories.

She was alone in the bunkhouse, and the camp outside felt deserted too. The day was cloudy, but the temperature was mild and the air was still. Most, if not all the other cadets had gone to Trost for their monthly visit during their day off. As always, Iris had considered going too, but never actually made the trip. Instead she was sat on the edge of her bed, bored and lonely.

Deciding to go for a run she stood, and walked over to the mirror on the wall. With deft hands she brushed through and braided her hair loosely, just so it wouldn't get into her eyes. Then she studied her face for a few moments. When she had joined the military training corps almost three years ago, she had thought herself fully grown. Yet another folly of a sixteen year old girl, she supposed. Since then she had grown a little taller, but apart from that her body remained much the same. Her face however had changed. The slightly childlike roundness had left her cheeks, and now she could see the contours of her cheekbones. Her lips were full, but her mouth small and severe with it's naturally turned down corners. Her nose was pointed and razor sharp, sadly adding to her already austere expression. If only she had a dainty little nose to soften her face like Christa had. Her eyes were large, their outer corners turned down slightly giving her a sorrowful look, and above them her brows were stern and curved. She thought she had a face made for frowns and scowls rather than sweet smiles. She felt dismayed by this person who stared at her judgingly from the mirror, and quickly turned and left the bunkhouse.

She descended the steps outside the cabin, and then she started jogging towards the forest, and once her muscles felt warm and flexible the increased her pace. She heard birds tweeting and the smell of evergreen was refreshing. Her body felt strong today, so she upped the pace even more. She put her head down, and focused on her feet against the ground, and the sound of her own beating heart.

She ran until her lungs ached and she had the taste of blood in her mouth. Brightly colored spots had begun to swim around her eyes and cloud her vision, and she had lost feeling in both her hands. But she was back at camp soon, so she kept focusing on just putting one foot in front of the other. She could see the roofs of the barracks now, but the world around he had begun to sway and shift. She felt like all air had been squeezed from her lungs. One last slope, then she could rest.

Iris did not feel herself falling as much as she saw the world tilt before the dirt ground came rushing up towards her. She heard herself hit the ground, and she had a sensation that she had probably hit her left knee. The ground beneath her rocked up and down, and the brightly colored spots swam around in her field of vision. The ground smelled earthy and dry. She thought to herself that she should get up soon, but her body wouldn't move. First she would just close her eyes for a little while.

Her right ear was pressed against the ground, and she thought she could hear thunder. Or was it footsteps? She couldn't muster the energy to care which. Then the ground seemed to fall away below her, and for a moment she thought she was flying until she realised someone had picked her up. She tried to focus her eyes to see who was carrying her, but she was too dizzy. She could smell him however, and the familiar scent let her know whose arms were gently cradling her. Her assumption she had hurt her knee seemed to be accurate, because she began to feel a dull ache in it, and there was a burning sensation creeping up her thigh to her left hip. She tried to say his name, but was simply too exhausted to produce and intelligible words. She heard the creaking of wood and then the sun above her was shaded off by what must be a roof. Not really understanding where they were, she felt herself being put down on a soft surface. She drew in a breath, and his pleasantly familiar smell filled her nostrils. This must be his bed. Or maybe she had passed out and was just dreaming. She felt him brush a loose strand of her hair out of her eyes, and the warmth of his hand felt real.

"I'm going to get water and something to clean your wounds with. Wait here" he said, and then she heard him walk away.

She closed her eyes and just lay there for a second. The taste of blood was fading in her mouth. She sucked air into her lungs in deep gulps. The pain from her left knee was increasing, and she pried her eyes open to try inspect the damage. It was still difficult to see properly, but the odd bright spots dancing in her eyes and shrunk in size in the last few minutes. She registered that her trousers were torn open over the knee, and smaller tears over her thigh had begun to soak through with blood. She fought to sit herself up. Her limbs weighed twice as much as they had this morning. The pain in her leg made her grit her teeth, and she imagined she could actually feel gravel and dirt grinding against her flesh inside the wounds. With a push she was on her feet, wobbling as the world seemed to shift and sway underneath her. With numb fingers she unbuttoned her trousers and grimaced as she pushed them down over her aching thigh. Once they were down she struggled to get her feet loose. She lost her balance and sat down heavily on the bed. Kicking free of her trousers she fell back on the bed and crawled back into place. She kept her knee pushed up and bent in an attempt not to bloody his sheets. The world spun around her, and she closed her eyes.

"Iris." His deep voice broke her rest. She hadn't heard him return to her side, and groggily she wondered if she had passed out.

"Reiner," she mumbled, "how long were you gone?"

"Maybe fifteen minutes or so. Can you sit? You should drink some water."

She opened her eyes slowly, finding that the colors of the world had returned to normal. The wooden roof high above her was dimly lit up by the rays of sun creeping in through the few windows in the room. The roof of this bunkhouse felt higher and wider than the roof of the girls' sleeping quarters. She also noticed that Reiner slept in a bunk bed, and the bunk looming overhead made her feel slightly claustrophobic.

"I thought you had gone with the others." She said as she pushed herself up and swung her feet over the edge of the bed so she was facing Reiner. His golden eyes looked darker in here than they usually did. His brows were furrowed. She reflected on how she often seemed to cause him to worry for her, when she would have preferred to see him smile more. He had a winning smile that softened his chiselled face. When he smiled his eyes would narrow and glimmer in warm shades of gold and amber. The boy she had met three years ago had grown into a young man whose smiles would make her feel like something inside of her was melting.

"I was studying for our theoretical exams. I thought _you_ had gone to Trost. Here, drink." He handed her a mug of water. She drank obediently. The water tasted sweet and metallic on her tongue and she realised she had been parched. Once the mug was empty he took it from her without a word and refilled it from an iron pitcher that he had placed on the floor next to the bed. He placed the mug in her hand and knelt in front of her wounded knee. He placed his face so close to her naked leg she could feel his warm breath on her skin.

"Like you need to study, you're second only to Armin."

"All because I take the time to study. There's gravel in your scrapes that I'll need to remove." She saw his gaze move up her naked leg, up past her black underwear all the way up to her face. Something inside of her stirred a little. He cleared his throat and reached over to pick up a pair of small pincers.

"This will most likely hurt a bit."

"It's not just because you study," she argued, "You are smart and calculating too. And don't you know me? I'm tough as nails." She smiled at him and dared give him a little wink hoping it would make him smile. She was rewarded when he grinned. Then he started picking through the open sores on her knee and she quickly emptied her cup of water so she could put it down. She chewed her lip and her wounds burned like fire as Reiner worked on them. Once he was done with her knee he started looking through the scrapes on her thigh. The further up her leg he came, the more pink the hue on his cheeks grew. She enjoyed feeling his warm hands against her bare skin. At the same she was acutely aware that she was practically half naked. Something inside her chest stirred and fluttered. His fingers delicately felt around the last scrape on her upper thigh. His fingers were only and inch away from the lace band of her underwear. Reiner cleared his throat again.

"Your hip." He mumbled hoarsely. She pushed her hips forward to the edge of the bed (and incidentally further towards him) and leaned back on her elbows to make it easy for him to reach. With slow, careful movements he used one hand to lift her shirt up a little before he leaned in close. She could feel his warm breath on the skin of her stomach. She had the urge to run her hand through his hair. She bit her lip.

"It looks cleaner than your leg did." His voice was low and rough, and he lingered just a moment before pulling back. "The disinfectant will smell heavily of alcohol. Will you be okay with that?" he asked.

"It will be alright," she smiled while feeling light headed. She watched him dampen a cloth, and the sharp stench of alcohol enclosed her. She felt her chest tighten a little bit as a feeling of uneasiness came upon her. She kept her cool by studying Reiner's face as he dabbed her knee with the cloth. His face expressed deep concentration, and a wrinkle formed between his eyebrows. Slowly he worked his way up her thigh, hesitating just for a split second before placing his hand against the skin on her stomach and sliding her shirt up so the scrapes on her hip were uncovered. Iris felt a soft shiver down her spine. He dabbed the sores and then pulled back. He placed a compress that was dabbed in disinfectant on her knee, and wrapped it in linen bandages. Then he did the same with her thigh, and she lifted her leg up a little so he could wrap it.

"I don't think we can do much about your hip, but the scrapes are pretty shallow and seem to have stopped bleeding."

She felt disappointed when he drew back from her and stood back up. Her head was spinning a little bit and she was exhausted, but she also felt warm and fuzzy and bold.

"Do you want to see my scars?" she inquired, and without waiting for an answer she stood up. It took some effort on her part not to wobble because she was so dizzy, but she grabbed at the edge of her shirt and pulled it over her head. His eyes widened and his mouth fell open. Iris calmly met his eyes and she noticed his pupils were dilated, leaving only a thin ring of dark speckled gold around them. For a moment she just stood there, letting his eyes rest on her lean but femininely curvy body. Breaking their eye contact she raised her chin up until the skin around her throat was stretched tight. She knew that she scar from where the knife had cut her became clearly visible then. He'd seen it once before, on the cliff that day almost a year ago. She had heard a merchant call the act of cutting someone's throat 'giving someone a red smile' once. The man ran a black market operation in the bowels of his cellar, they said in the salons with hushed voices. She did not know what he kept down there, but she had heard terrible rumors. Whispers that said people would come in the night, dragging along orphans and street children. Children that no one saw or heard from again.

She felt Reiner's fingers brush against the scar running across her throat. His touch was light and tender, but his fingers were rough and calloused. She lowered her chin, but his hand lingered close to the hollow of her throat. She smiled a little, suddenly self conscious. Maybe she was making a mistake. She wasn't sure what she hoped would come from this... She looked down at her toned stomach.

"The knife went straight through here," she placed her hand to show one of the pale scars, "and here." The second scar was just beside her navel. His eyes followed her hands and he looked at her scars quietly. Iris drew a deep breath. Then she swept her braid over her shoulder and turned around to show him her back. She was not sure herself just how bad the damages were, but when her mother had seen the half healed wounds and scabs for the first time, the frosty woman had wept. Iris herself had used her hands to try and get an idea of what she looked like, but all she really knew was that the skin felt bumpy and uneven in lots of places. She heard Reiner's breathing quicken. She heard him curse under his breath.

She turned to face him again and saw the colour rise on his face. He was just inches away from her, and she could see the contours of his chest underneath his plain button up shirt. Her heart was beating hard and fast in her chest. He cleared his throat but didn't take his eyes off her.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable." he whispered roughly.

"Right now I think I'm the one making you uncomfortable." She raised her shirt that she still her in a tight grip, and slipped it back on. She suddenly wondered if she had gone too far, wondered if she had misread the situation and made a fool of herself just now. Her stomach was suddenly in a tight knot and a dizzy spell hit her. She reeled, and felt her eyes burn as if she was about to cry. Then she felt his arms around her and he pulled her into his warm embrace, steadying her and comforting her at the same time.

"Your face went pale as a sheet." He murmured into her hair. "There's a couple of hours left until everyone returns, rest until then."

Then he half lifted her, half pulled her down onto his bed where he cradled her in his arms. She lay with her injured leg turned upwards so she wasn't resting on it, and she knew it was not by coincidence he had placed her like this. He was like that, caring and mindful of others. Her face was so close to his neck that the tip of her nose brushed against his skin.

"I worry about being too forward," she heard him say quietly. His rich, deep voice was slightly raspy and made her shudder with delight. She hadn't misread him, or completely put him off with her ugly, scarred body. She edged a little closer to him so that her lips were pressed against his collar bone, and slid her arm around him. His back was wide and hard under her fingers. Wishing she could touch his bare skin, she pressed her fingers against the fabric of his shirt. She smiled.

"How ironic. You had me thinking I was being too forward." she replied. His chin was resting against her scalp, and she felt him shake his head. Bringing her hand down she carefully pulled loose the shirt he always kept tucked into his trousers. He quietly let her slip her hand in underneath his shirt. Her fingers trailed upward across his sinewy muscles on his back as she marvelled at how smooth his skin was. She felt him shudder a little and then she felt goosebumps underneath her fingertips. She was resting on one of his arms, but she felt him move his free arm, and his hand brushed against her back where her shirt had crinkled. Cool excitement filled her, and she could have sworn her heart was beating so hard she could actually hear it. He touched her scars slowly and carefully, and while it made her feel self conscious she told herself that if seeing them hadn't made him feel repulsed, touching them shouldn't make any difference.

"Iris," he mumbled quietly in a thick voice, "tell me one of those poems you like so much. And then rest. I'll wake you when it's time." She nuzzled her face into the hollow of his throat and drew in his scent. She wondered how much experience he had with this sort of thing. She had never seen him express any interest for anyone in the cadet corps, but she thought that at least Mina, if not a couple more of the girls would be interested if he made the move. Then she realised she would rather not think about it, because it made her annoyed. Instead she focused on his arms around her and how soft his skin was. Her eyes closed as she recalled one of her favourite poems.

"I knew a simple soldier boy

who grinned at life in empty joy,

slept soundly through the lonesome dark,

and whistled early with the lark.

In winter trenches, cowed and glum,

with crumps and lice and lack of rum,

he put a bullet through his brain.

No one spoke of him again.

You snug-faced crowds with kindling eye

who cheer when soldier lads march by,

sneak home and pray you'll never know

the hell where youth and laughter go."

She was so exhausted. She wanted to stay here longer. She wanted to feel his body close to hers, feel his hand move across her skin. She wanted to hide away from the word here, in his secure embrace. Iris frowned a little when she felt something she hadn't before; she was suddenly afraid. Afraid that if she didn't hold on tight, he would disappear. But could feel herself drifting off to sleep.

"Iris, where did you read that poem?" sheheard Reiner ask her, and his voice had a troubled edge to it. She was tootired to reply. As she drifted off, she thought to herself she would tell himlater when she awoke. Later, but not now.


	6. 5

**Wall Rose Year 850 - Military training camp - Men's bunkhouse:**

He nudged her awake, and for the first time in a long time Iris did not wake from a nightmare. Drowsily she pried one of her eyes open, slightly annoyed by the disturbance. Slowly she raised her chin to look at his face and was greeted by a smug grin. She frowned. Then she realised that her left hand was tucked underneath his shirt, pressed against the hard muscles on his stomach... very far down. Her face reddened, suddenly ablaze with embarrassment. Instead of panicking and yanking her hand away she slid her hand upwards, feeling the contours of his muscles; until her hand was resting against his solar plexus.

"Smooth." He commented mockingly, yet his voice was soft and raspy. She felt a pleasant shiver down her spine, and she didn't fight to hold back the smile that settled on her lips.

"Have I been groping you in my sleep?" she smiled shyly, and her face felt hot enough to grill tomatoes on.

"A little, but you slept so sweetly I didn't want to disturb you." Reiner smirked smugly. She laughed a little at that, awkward and strangely giddy at the same time. She saw his eyes widen and as his smug grin fell away. For a second he stared at her as if he had never seen her before. Then slowly, a smile spread across his face, and she felt his strong arm pull her closer to him. "I made you laugh."

"Who wouldn't laugh when you make that silly face?" she mumbled sweetly as he stroked her hair.

"I've seen how you look at my face, you don't mean that."

"No." she pouted. Then they were quiet for a couple of minutes. Judging by the light outside supper was drawing near, and she did not care much for being here, half dressed and rosy cheeked when the other cadets returned.

She wiggled out of his embrace and sat up. He let her go quietly, and she was almost disappointed he did not attempt to hold her back. But she dismissed the feeling as being silly, and she did not much want to be a silly girl. He sat up next to her.

"I better find myself a _skirt _to wear." She scowled as she said the word 'skirt'. But it would be more comfortable than having trousers on. Her knee was throbbing painfully, yet she hadn't really noticed until now. She wasn't relishing the idea of hopping across camp in her underwear either, but what must be done, must be done.

"I'll get it for you, just tell me where to go and what to get."

_"Well he did offer, who am I to turn him down?" _she thought and smirked to herself. "First dresser to the left of the door, top drawer. The blue one please... and thank you."

He picked up her dirty, torn trousers and sauntered off. He returned within a couple of minutes with her slightly wrinkly pleated skirt, and she shook it out before slipping it on. The entire while Reiner stood motionless with his eyes on her.

"Enjoying the show?" she raised an eyebrow and winked at him. He pursed his lips, seemed to consider it for a split second and then grinned wickedly as he nodded. Now it was her time to roll her eyes while she muttered for him to help her walk. She steadied herself by holding his shoulder, and he held her by the waist as she half limped, half hopped next to him out of the men's bunkhouse. When they came upon the stairs Reiner scooped her up in his arms and carried her down the steps. She expected him to put her down, but he did not seem to be in a mind to do that.

"Is this where you carry me off into the woods never to be heard from again?" she joked and clasped her hands around his neck. He snickered.

"As tempting as that sounds, I'm taking you to the dining hall. You'll have enough time to limp around like a wounded deer later."

"I'm not a deer!" she blurted out

"You have doe eyes."

"No, my eyes are blue." she argued. Reiner sighed but smiled patiently.

"It's not about that, it's more about how they're big and dark and innocent looking." She scowled at that. "At first glance no one would ever suspect you have a prickly personality that is incapable of handling even as much as a harmless compliment. And that's _before _you start making fun of people's faces."

She just gaped at him. She wanted to contradict everything he had just said. If only he wasn't so damned spot on. She was desperately trying to come up with a quip to throw back in his face, but her mind had gone blank.

"You should close that mouth before a crow decides to nest in there."

She scowled with intensity as he carried her up the stairs and into the dining hall. He put her down by the table in the corner on the right hand side. She shuffled her way into the corner where she crossed her arms over her chest. He stood on the opposite side of the table looking at her with amusement.

"Remind me not to compliment you in the future."

Iris gave it some thought. What was with this feeling of irritation? Why did she feel as if an iron fist was squeezing around her heart? She sighed, leaned back against the wall behind her and unfolded her arms.

"You're right, I am prickly."

"Nah, I am a jerk sometimes. Probably shouldn't tell a girl she's pretty and then immediately insult her personality. Wasn't being very fair either." He scratched the back of his neck a little. "You are by far the strangest person I've ever known, in all the right ways." His smile was enigmatic. Iris felt as if her insides had turned into some kind of warm liquid. She could definitely live with being strange in a good way.

"It would have been much smarter to lead with that. Here I thought you had a good head on your shoulders." She quipped and clicked her tongue. But then she smiled. He chuckled and then strode out of the dining hall. She assumed he was going to pick up food from the kitchens.

Her assumption had been correct, Reiner returned carrying a big stew pot that he placed over one of the gas burners in the back of the hall.

"Who cooked today?" she asked him in passing.

"I did."

As he returned carrying yet another large pot she remarked on how she hadn't known it was his time to do kitchen duty today. He told her she hadn't asked, which was true. She had considered approaching him to ask if they should go to Trost and share a meal, maybe look around shops and such. She had really wanted to ask him, but she hadn't. Because Reiner was going to be ranked top 5, no doubt about it, and then he would be joining the military police. He'd never said it to her, not really, but Bertholdt was joining them which would mean that Reiner was the one who'd decided that's where they were going. She might never see him again after the recruitment ceremony for the survey corps.

"Oi, what happened to you?" a loud, sharp voice made her snap back to reality. She blinked, and saw that Eren was sat on the opposite side of the table. On his left was Mikasa, who was staring at her plate absent minded. Eren was no longer the little boy she had met three years back, now he was a rowdy teenager. He matured out of some of his naiveté, but retained most of his hot-headed stubbornness. She opened her mouth, but did not really know what to say.

"You look sad. Are you alright?" Armin asked her. He was seated next to the right of Eren.

"I must have been thinking about something depressing," she mused as Reiner shuffled in next to her, offering her one of the bowls of stew he had brought. He was quickly followed by Bertholdt, Connie, Sasha, Mina, Franz and Hanna had all seated themselves around the two tables that had been pushed together on this side of the hall. Distracted, she stared at them all silently. They seemed upbeat, rosy cheeked and she noticed both Mina and Hanna wore discrete make up. They both looked pretty, she thought.

"It's rude to ignore people," she heard Eren say sounding exasperated. She had almost forgotten she'd asked her a question. Seems she was not exactly alert this evening.

"I fell." She replied calmly.

"You fell?" Eren looked incredulous.

"Seems someone doesn't know their limits. I found her in a heap on the slope over towards the forest." Reiner said and patted her shoulder. She grabbed a spoonful of stew.

"Hey Reiner," Connie suddenly leaned in with a mischievous grin, "did you kiss it all better?"

Iris almost choked on her food, but managed to swallow it down. The conversation around the table seemed to have died down, and she could feel their stares. Looking up at Reiner she found him with his mouth agape, and he seemed to have turned mute for the time being. Big help he was. She rolled her eyes.

"Close your mouth before a crow nests in there" she muttered dryly and turned to Connie. "No he helped me clean my wounds, but maybe next time if I'm lucky." She replied in a voice dripping with sarcasm. This seemed to pass over Connie's head however.

"Is that a _confession_?" his eyes glimmered as he wiggled his eyebrows at her. Iris slowly placed her palm on her face and silently counted to ten.

"It really was not." She argued but felt the color rise on her cheeks and instantly knew the battle was lost. The rest of the dinner she endured Sasha, Connie and Franz making jokes on her behalf and oddly enough she also got some weird looks from Bertholdt. The looks were almost the worst part of it. She spent some time wondering if it was possible to drown someone in a bowl of stew. It might be possible, but even so Connie was out of her reach.

Once the bells signalled that dinner was over, Armin kindly offered to take away her dirty dishes. She made sure to thank him properly. It was a shame their age gap was that big, because she had a feeling that Armin was incredibly clever, a loyal friend and a true strategist. Steadying herself on Reiner she hobbled outside into the slightly chilly evening air. The breeze against her legs was an odd sensation she had almost forgotten about. She felt queerly naked, even though her thighs were fully covered. She leaned herself against the railing of the raised platform the dining hall was built on.

"Iris, about that poem you recited for me," Reiner began and stood in front of her, looking at her insistently.

"Oh yes," she remembered, "I read it in a book I found in my father's study a very long time ago. I liked it so much I wrote it down in my journal."

Reiner stepped in close and cupper her face in his two large and coarse hands. His eyes looked a shade of dark hazel in the feint light spread by the oil lamps that had been mounted on the wall behind him. His mouth seemed tight and serious, and she felt a light pang of uneasiness within.

"Do you know what a 'trench' is?"

"It's a ditch."

"But the poem is about soldiers. What is a _'trench'_ to a soldier Iris?"

The question confused her. She had never thought of that before. She had been a young girl when she read that poem the first time, and she hadn't really thought much about the one single word that seemed a bit odd in her favorite poem. Her mind searched for the meaning of the word, and she felt it was at the tip of her tongue. Like the memory of a dream after you wake, it seemed to want to slip from her grasp as soon as she almost had it. She recalled an image of a giant snake curling across a barren landscape under pale moonlight. It was patterned with something that looked like glowing lights that shone in the darkness. The image (memory?) was as pale as smoke and threatened to dissolve and fade away from her mind. Then she realised there were two snakes, and in between them was a dusty wasteland.

She did not feel good at all.

"Trenches are ditches men use when they fight against... other men." She said slowly. _"Men don't war against other men Iris" _the voice in her mind whispered.

"Reiner, I think I'm going mad."

She felt his arms close around her, and she pressed her nose against his chest, breathing in his familiar smell. Somewhere in the background someone snickered quietly.

"You're just exhausted. I thought it was an odd choice of words, that's all. Don't worry yourself." Reiner murmured. The weariness inside of her wouldn't relent, but she pretended to be reassured for his sake. He let her go and she tried to smile bravely. To her right she heard someone snickering again, and she turned her head to see whom it was.

"Look at you two, picture perfect," Ymir jeered, "the damsel in distress and her bold defender always skulking around."

"Didn't you just describe the relationship between you and Christa?" Reiner replied to her flatly. Ymir laughed.

"Is that what you think Reiner? You're not very clever after all."

Ymir's words were nonchalant, but to Iris they rung false.

"What are you hoping to accomplish here Ymir?" Reiner inquired, not without a hint of hostility in his voice.

"Oh nothing, I just think it's so amusing to watch this little dance you're doing," she grinned.

"Why can't we all just treat each other with some humility?" Iris suggested. Reiner tittered uncharacteristically.

"Pardon me m'lady. How do I make it up to you?" he jested. She punched his shoulder. "Ow, that was not very ladylike of you." he protested.

"I was never a lady," she leered wickedly and winked at him.

"Careful Reiner, you don't want to end up on her bad side." Ymir winked at Iris. "Come on Christa, you need your beauty sleep!" she herded the blonde girl down the steps and off into the darkness.

They stood quietly looking where the two girls had disappeared out of sight.

"She definitely doesn't like me much. She always finds something to make fun of me for."

"She makes fun of everyone except Christa, including the people she likes," Iris argued. However she was sure he was right, there was something about him that Ymir was wary of. She had never said it to Iris, but it had been implied.

She felt Reiner nudge her elbow, so she turned to him. His expression was mischievous, and at once she remembered he was two years her junior. It was easy to forget because of his size, strength and the way he always acted like a fussy older brother. He leaned in closer and Iris felt her knees weaken a little bit.

"Let's sleep in one of the empty bunkhouses."

"Is that allowed?" she asked. There were no rules she knew of that forbade it, but at the same time she was pretty sure they were supposed to sleep in their designated places.

"I've slept in them before," he confided. "Some nights when I couldn't sleep, I got up and walked. Instead of waking someone when I got back, I just snuck into one of the empty places instead. Shadis's place is not on the premises, and he breaks his fast in his house before coming here in the mornings."

"When did you become such a rebel?" she tried a sly smile, but on the inside she felt a mix of excitement and worry. She bit her lip discretely. She remembered his calloused hand caressing her back, and imagined how they would feel on her waist, on her legs, on... other places. Her mouth felt as dry as a desert. "Well, what are we waiting for?" she smiled breathlessly. He grinned at her and grabbed her by the waist. Supported by Reiner she limped over to the little hut where all the linen and bedding was stored. He asked her to wait there and then he quietly slipped inside. She was slightly surprised that he, despite his height and solid build could move so silently. It must have taken time and practice for him to move so gracefully, seeing as his natural movements were assertive but not very agile. He was more of a bull, but now he seemed to her a cat. She liked it, but it also made her wonder just who he had been before she knew him. He was so accomplished, honed and as sharp as a sword, sometimes carefree and sometimes carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He returned carrying a set of bedding, sheets and an oil lamp that emitted a feint light.

She tried to limp quietly as they made their way over to the empty bunkhouses on the other side of camp. They picked the empty women's quarters which was the smallest out of the three. Iris sat down on one of the bare mattresses and let Reiner make the bed. Her palms felt moist and her heart was beating a little too fast as she watched him work in the dim light inside the barrack.

"Reiner, have you had girlfriends?" He stopped moving for a moment, but then he continued tucking the corners of the sheet underneath the mattress.

"No, there was never any time or an opportunity forany of that. Plus, I was weak, shy and spineless. You?"

"Well, I did kiss the fishmonger's son behind the stables once when I was eleven. But I only did it because he said I wouldn't dare." She snorted. He had obviously been baiting her, knowing she would do it just to prove him wrong.

Reiner had finished with the bedding and turned to her. She expected him to say something, but he just stood there with an introverted look on his face. Iris however suddenly felt strangely calm. She stood up and went to him, trying not to limp too much. Standing in front of him, she smiled and placed a hand against his cheek. The first wisps of facial hair had appeared on his chin.

"Lost your nerve? Not so cocky now are you, _mister_?" she smiled.

"I uh, hadn't really thought this through." his voice was hoarse.

Keeping her eyes locked on his, she moved both her hands to the top button of his shirt. She unbuttoned it. His face was a stony mask but she could see through it. She continued unbuttoning his shirt, slowly working her way down with steady hands and nimble fingers. After she had unbuttoned the last button, she rolled down his left sleeve, and then the right one. Lifting her hands to his shoulders she slipped the shirt off of him and she let it fall to the floor. Her heart was beating fast, but she took her time to slowly take in the sight of him. His shoulders were wide and muscled. His arms looked as strong as they had felt when he'd held her, and they were covered in fine blonde hairs. His chest was broad, hard and bare. His waist narrowed down to his slim hips, and his stomach was flat with well defined muscles. He was sinewy, toned and hard. He was also very smooth, skin unblemished and unscarred. She placed her hand over his heart, and felt it beating hard and fast. He stood as still as a statue. She grabbed the edge of her own shirt and pulled it over her head, dropping it on the floor. Smiling sweetly she placed her hands on the fastening of his belt. She could see his left eye twitch slightly as she undid his belt.

"I trust you can take off your shoes and trousers without my help?" and without waiting for a reply she turned around and limped over to the bed she had been seated on a few minutes ago. She loosened the laces on her boots and kicked them off. With practiced hands she undid the bandages on her feet and let them touch down on the cold floor. She shuddered slightly and felt gooseprickles on her arms and legs. Rising to her feet, the unzipped her skirt and let it slip to the floor. The skin around the scrape on her hip had begun to blush and turn purple. _"Aren't I a sight for sore eyes" _she thought dryly. Then she looked up at Reiner who was just pulling the last leg of his trousers over his foot. His boxer briefs were black and fitted. His legs were long, muscled and lean. His posture was usually that of a proud lion, straight backed with his head held high. Now he looked uncertain despite the fact he resembled a champion out of a children's story. Only slightly less clad than the heroes in children's stories were. She hesitated a moment, but then raised her left arm to cover her bosom while she with her right hand reached back and undid the clasp of her bra. Still covering herself she wrestled her arms free of the straps and let the bra fall to the floor. Then she let her arms fall to rest by her sides. She stood before him with her head held high, as good as naked. Her heart was racing but her blood felt cool. Reiner had respectfully averted his eyes to the floor. She moved to him, attempting to be graceful but not quite succeeding. The skin on her leg felt as if it was a size to small, and her wounds burned under her bandages. But she let no pain show on her face. As she stood before him she brought her hand up and turned his chin so that he was looking at her. His eyes glowed like molten amber in the light from the oil lamp on the floor. His serious brow was curved with tension.

"You look as grim as a soldier heading out to face the titans." She said to him in a low voice.

"I think I'd be calmer if I was about to fight against titans." He replied in that raspy deep voice she liked so well. "A titan I would slice. With you, I am just a clueless little shit."

She snorted a little, grabbed his hands and began to pull him towards their bed. She was absolutely freezing and he must be too because his hands that were usually warm felt cool in her grasp.

"Get in," she said, "I'm too cold to think properly, let alone make sense of this." Her hand made a sweeping motion between the two of them. This made him grin.

"Bossy." he said but did as he was told. She ungracefully crawled in next to him and pulled the quilt up to her chin. But the quilt and sheets were cold all the same, and she shivered. His body seemed to expel heat like a furnace, so she edged close to him. She felt him turn on his side so his chest pressed against her shoulder. He very tentatively placed his arm around her, his hand coming to rest on the side of her ribcage. It tickled a little bit. The lamplight highlighted his high cheekbones and pronounced brow bone, and his eyes lay in shadow. In this light they looked like molten gold.

"Have I ever told you how handsome you are?" she asked. The question made him smile and she noticed how small wrinkles formed in the outer corners of his eyes.

"You know you haven't." his fingers teased the skin on her side a little and she giggled.

"You're right, I haven't. But I've thought it, and sometimes I could almost swear that you can read my mind." She raised her left hand and placed it behind her head. She finally felt warm again.

"Before I knew you, all I saw when I looked at you were your eyes. They always seemed so severe. Now I can see those little muscles on your face shifting and working even though your eyes are as dark and severe as they ever were. It's really just qualified guesswork."

She felt his hand move and brush the skin on her side, her chest and then it came to rest between her breasts.

"If only I'd known someone like you would be here, maybe I'd have done everything differently... Or maybe I'd just have done it all over again, just so I could be here with you now." he mumbled thoughtfully, as much to himself as to her.

"Sometimes you say the strangest things," she whispered. She wondered about the meaning behind those cryptic words; but there was also a tiny part of her that was afraid to know. _"Reiner, what is it that you've done? Why is it that sometimes when you smile, you look sad?"_

"Yes, I suppose I do. I guess my thoughts make no sense, so I say them out loud hoping it'll all fall into place," he sighed, "but it seems like it won't."

"_'Everything' _needs time to happen." she concluded without really knowing herself what it meant.

"Iris..." he murmured and pulled her even closer to him. She turned to her side and brought her left arm down to wrap around him. Their faces were only a couple of inches apart. She noticed that his eyelashes were dark despite his blonde hair. She felt his arm slip in underneath her neck, and she lifted her head slightly so he could settle into place. Before laying back down she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek by the corner of his mouth. Then she shuffled into place, resting her head against his arm. It was comfortable and familiar, but at the same time everything felt new and different.

"Goodnight." she whispered and closed her eyes.

"Goodnight."

His voice was rich but hoarse, and the sound of it made something warm stir in her chest.


	7. 6

_"Iris..."_

As she opened her eyes she was greeted by a world that seemed steeped in a grey hue. Before her a tall steel wire gate that must be at least 15 feet tall towered. Beyond it people were milling about in the streets. They all seemed to have had all the color washed out of them. Grey clothes, grey hair, grey eyes. Even the sun had tucked away behind huge, grey clouds. The world was dark, dank and miserable. Thin figures with gaunt faces turned her way only to look straight through her.

_"I'm not really here."_

She heard the thundering of distant gunfire. Bullets were being fired in such rapid succession she had never heard anything like it. The sound was too regular, like clockwork. No gun or gunman in the world could fire that fast or for that long without reloading. It was impossible yet her ears heard the hammering of bullets fired through a barrel all the same.

She closed her eyes and wished to leave this place.

When she opened them again the world around her was almost completely dark. The moon overhead was but a thin sliver of pale silver in the sky. Below her feet the ground was hard, dry and bare. She moved forward, drawn towards a deep hollow in the ground ahead of her, stretching across the landscape like the moat of a castle. Except there was no castle beyond it that she could see. She reached the edge of the dark ditch and peered over it into the darkness. She could see the still and quiet shapes of people on the ground down below. They were all clad in the same cloth uniform dyed in some muted color she could not make out. A ladder leaned against the edge of the deep moat to her side and she descended it. She moved over to the person sitting on the ground nearby, soundly asleep. She wanted to know where they were, what this place was. She reached out to his shoulder and tried to wake him. The man's head tilted over backwards, and his eyes stared unseeing towards the sky.

He was dead.

They were all dead.

Their bodies littered the long dug out corridor in front of her. Most of them appeared to have been sleeping as they drew their last breaths. They were all smiling from ear to ear.

Red smiles.

She looked down at her hand and saw she was holding a long curved blade, black as night. She raised the blade to her face to inspect it, and saw her reflection in the steel. Except it wasn't her face she saw. There was no face at all to see, no mouth, no nose, nothing that resembled human features. Just jet black skin with huge, empty dark caverns where her eyes should be.

_"Forgive me."_

Fire flared up and crackled beyond the corridor of death. Huge pillars of flame and smoke rose towards the sky. The fire roared deafeningly, but mixed in with the thundering flames were the screams of the people burning. The entire world stank of burning flesh, blood and decomposing bodies.

_"Forgive me."_

She awoke in the dark with tears in her eyes. She shuffled closer to Reiner's sleeping form next to her, quivering. With her face pressed into the pillow, she tried to purge the faces of the dead men from her mind. But she kept seeing their glazed over eyes stare up at her accusingly. She wept silently while she waited for her hands to stop shaking.

**Trost District Year 850 - Military headquarters - Eve of graduation:**

Iris made her way across the small lobby outside of the festive hall. She heard the voices of soldiers and civilians, some louder than others, some singing, some arguing. Emotions were running high, fuelled by mead and ale and spirits. Their acrid smell made her feel slightly queasy, but she was in the mind to have a drink tonight.

She had slipped away quickly after the graduation ceremony that morning, and spent the day searching the streets and shops of the district alone. Now she had showered, and there had even been soap too. Years of sweat and dirt had been rigorously scrubbed from her skin until she was red, sore and shivering from the cold water. Some stains would never wash off, but that was because they were just a figment of her imagination. She knew that now.

She had dressed herself in a long sleeved midnight blue lace panel dress. It had a lace neckline and a wide flowing skirt, but was tightly fitted around her waist. The dress had been a gift she had never ended up wearing. Not until tonight. She had brushed her long hair until it was a silky smooth veil of pale gold that fell across her shoulders. Then she had applied some kohl to her eyes for a soft sooty look. But instead of looking pretty like she'd wanted, the person in the mirror seemed a stranger to her.

_"Who are you? You stand there, dressed up like some kind of doll. If I cracked you open, would you be stuffed with cotton and emptiness?"_

No. She was not empty. She was just not sure what kind of a beast she was. Sometimes she felt like a mouse, and some times she felt like a trained dog. On rare occasions, when fighting hand to hand, she felt like a lioness. She twisted her face into a snarl.

_"That looks more like you."_

She felt the absurd urge to laugh at her own mirror image.

Now she slipped into the huge hall that was packed with people. Telling herself to act the part of a young lady, she put her shoulders back and let her hips swivel from side to side as she strode forward. To her surprise she couldn't spot Reiner sitting by Bertholdt, who was easily identified since he was at least one head taller than everyone else inside the hall. Instead she spotted Jean, Marco and Annie sitting with him, perhaps united by their resolve to join the military police brigade. A quick glance at Jean's blushing face made her suspect he's had more than one drink.

She let her eyes wander over the hall searching for more familiar faces when she spotted Reiner towering next to Armin. They were sat on the next row of tables from where Jean and company had placed themselves. A tall man obscured her view of who was sitting opposite of them, but she would bet money on the seats being occupied by Eren and Mikasa. Reiner had spotted her and beckoned her over. She strutted their way with her hips swinging softly. She wondered if her mother would have been impressed with this little charade she was putting up. Then, with a hint of irritation she asked herself why she should care what that old bitch thought of her anymore. Instead she let a cool smile settle on her lips, and she slipped into the seat next to Reiner.

"Good evening," she said while she grabbed the pitcher of mead on the table and began filling her cup. Mikasa looked at her thoughtfully.

"Iris, why are you wearing a dress?" she asked with what sounded like genuine amazement. Iris raised her cup to her lips while considering her reply. The mead was sweet, tangy and so strong her eyes watered. The remembrance of a breath stinking of alcohol panting against her neck accompanied by excruciating pain washed over her like a tidal wave, and her grip around the handle of the cup hardened. She fought back a grimace.

"Well... I considered showing up naked, but decided against it."

She took another gulp of mead and began feeling light hearted in a way she hadn't just a couple of minutes ago. _"So this is why people drink? I could get used to this."_

"What kind of a question is that Mikasa?!" Eren scolded the girl. "Why aren't you wearing a dress, you're a girl too."

"I don't have any," Mikasa replied with a troubled look.

Iris noticed that Reiner had half a cup of ale in front of him. She'd never seen him drink, but then who knew what he and the other boys had gotten up to during all those nights the two of them hadn't slept side by side inside an otherwise abandoned bunkhouse. She held up her cup at him, gesturing for a toast. He raised his cup.

"I've never seen you drink," she noted with a smile and a flutter of her eyelashes. This stuff really made everything feel nice and rosy.

"No, and I thought you couldn't stand being around alcohol." They clanged their cups together and she took a gulp while he drank deeply. She wondered if he had a high tolerance due to his size.

"It would seem I am evolving into an entirely different beast," she commented dryly and giggled a little.

"Maybe you should go a little easy on the-"

He was cut off by Jean who was standing up, waving his cup around bellowing about how he was getting out of this shitty town. He was drunk and blunt as a hammer when he mockingly asked if not anyone in here, given the chance, would want to live a cosy life in the inner district as well. Marco was at his side, embarrassed and trying to quiet Jean down, but the damage was done. Eren's eyes widened and grew alit with flaring anger.

Iris rolled her eyes and but it made her feel a little dizzy so she stopped immediately. Instead she shoved an elbow into Reiner's ribs.

"Want to make a bet? I think Eren will throw the first punch," she hissed in his ear as he bent over his aching ribs.

"Ow... I bet they both throw the first punch. Five coppers."

She put her hand out to shake on it, and as his hand gripped hers he pulled her in close and quietly said; "You look very pretty tonight."

The compliment, perhaps with a little help from the mead, made her blush deeply. She covered her mouth with her hand to muffle her giggle.

They listened to the two boys brawl. They were both convinced they had the right of it, and relentless in maintaining the superiority of their reasoning. Iris did not herself care much for either of their arguments. She thought anyone who'd run from reality, hoping to live, get fat and die before humanity fell was craven. But at the same time Eren's reasoning was childish. Not his desire to live as an executioner, but his opinion that anyone who disagreed or chose another way were equal to cattle inside a pen.

She lost the bet when Jean and Eren, almost in perfect unison, punched each other in the face.

"Ah, bum," she huffed breathlessly, "I lost."

"Bum?!" Reiner threw his head back and guffawed. "That was a piss poor excuse for swearing." Then he turned to Jean, who seemed in the mood for a fight, and warned him not to forget Eren's hand to hand combat score was top of the class. But then he thoughtfully muttered to himself; "Or was that Mikasa?" as the girl moved towards Eren, flipped him over like he weighed nothing before she flung him over her shoulder and carried him away. Eren shouted and flailed, but was helpless as a child in her strong grip. Iris wondered if Mikasa was strong enough to do the same with Reiner. She had an inkling that the girl probably could; She was unnaturally strong. As far as soldiers went, Mikasa's talent was unprecedented. A prodigy, they called her. Iris tried very hard not to be jealous of Mikasa's talent, and most of the time she succeeded. Armin stood, said goodnight and the hurried after his two friends.

She poured some more mead into her cup, put it to her lips and drank from it. Then she slipped her left hand into her dress and down between her breasts. Out of the corner of her eye she noted Reiner staring. She w_ould_ roll her eyes again, but remembered how dizzy it had made her before, and decided against it. From her bra she produced the small leather pouch in which she kept her coin when she had no pockets. She peered into the pouch and plucked out five coppers that she handed to Reiner, who seemed almost embarrassed to take her money. With a swift motion she tucked the pouch away again.

She emptied her cup in one go.

"Calm down missy, you know what they say happens when people drink." he grinned and his voice was hinting it was something more or less indecent.

"No," she claimed, wide eyed and oblivious, "what happens?"

He leaned in close to her with a smirk on his face. She could see those little wrinkles at the corners of his eyes that she thought suited him so well. The light from the chandeliers above cast their light down upon his defined cheekbones.

"They say it can make you lose your... inhibitions," he replied in a low, husky voice.

_"Right now I'd like to tear your shirt off with my teeth." _She licked her lips. His grin widened, and if she wasn't mistaken she could see a pink blush creep up his neck and onto his cheeks. Alright, that was quite enough mead for her in one evening, or she might end up making a complete arse out of herself. She pushed her cup a little further away from herself on the table.

"I think I've had enough," she mumbled. Reiner emptied his cup, and then with that slightly smug grin still on his face he slammed the cup down on the table and stood up.

"Good because I want to talk to you. Come on, let's go."

She followed close behind him as he made for the door, and as they pushed through a small crowd of people on the floor who were swaying and singing, she grabbed onto his arm with both hands. By the sound of it the singers were well intoxicated and oblivious to the fact they were all singing off key. One of them was even singing a different tune entirely, however that seemed to bother no one.

Once they were outside Iris made a move to let go of Reiner's arm, but he caught her hand retreating and held it firmly in his as they walked down the street. She felt tipsy but her feet were still steady, and as long as she was with him she always felt safe. As he lead her down winding streets and around twists and turns she wondered how many times he had been to this place before.

"Do you actually know where you're going, or do you just want to keep holding my hand a little longer?" she jested. Reiner looked over his shoulder, and she felt her heart quicken when he looked at her.

"Oh I know where we're going, but I am tempted to talk you into running away with me. We could leave this shit-hole of a world behind and find something better."

Up ahead the rows of houses abruptly ended, and beyond them were a few acres of grassy fields. A little brook cut through the closest meadow and divided it in two, and a little stony path lead up to a wooden bridge crossing the brook. Reiner led her up the path, and apart from the crunching of gravel under their shoes, the sound of crickets chirping and the soft splashing of the water flowing in the small stream, the night was rather quiet out here. The noise and clattering from pubs and bars and other crowded places had faded into the distance and been replaced by the subtle noises of a world full of all other kinds of life.

They sat down beneath a walnut tree, leaning against it's old and broad trunk for support. Looking up to the sky, Iris found it cloudless. The stars glimmered above, too many to count, some bunched up tightly, others were further apart. As a child she had sometimes entertained herself by looking for patterns in the stars resembling animals or people. Her favorite to look for was the wolverine. She had only ever seen a real wolverine once, but her father had a book with hand drawn pictures of them in his study that she would read for hours.

"Reiner, what do you think the stars are made of?"

"No idea. Never seemed important to me to know what they are."

"Perhaps you're right." she said, but felt far from convinced. "What did you want to talk about?" She looked to him and thought to herself that the drink had stripped him of that stony mask she often saw him don. His usually intimidating presence had softened along with his expression, and left was just a young man whose chin had just begun to grow stubble.

"Iris," he said solemnly, "if I asked you, would you change your mind and join the garrison?" he gripped her hand then and turned so he was facing towards her.

For just one night she had wanted to forget about the different paths they were walking, and just how far the road would take them from each other. And here he was now, his words and his eyes were both begging her to stay close to him. She opened her mouth, but no words came.

"I see," he finally said after a long wait, "so you have thought about it, and rejected the idea." He sat quiet for a few moments.

"_I will become strong so I can save humanity and return to my hometown_; That's what I told myself. I told myself nothing else mattered. What a stupid, ignorant child I was. And what a half-assed piece of shit I've become." His grip on her hand tightened. "What's the fucking point in being strong if you only use it for yourself? If you're joining the survey corps, then so am I. I'll protect you from your enemies, I swear it." He hissed through clenched teeth.

She didn't quite understand what he was saying. He had told her he wanted to return to his hometown one day. But the way he'd said it just now it sounded like he did not imagine returning from that trip. And the way he'd said 'your enemies' sent a chill down her spine. She sat there and tried to make sense of it all. It must have showed on her face, because he lifted her hand to his face and pressed his lips against the back of it.

She'd seen him walk away from her a thousand times in her thoughts. Seen his form slowly shrink into the distance. Heard the crushing silence that was all that remained after he'd gone, lacking his laughter and strong breath. Lacking his jokes, foul mouthed swearing, his assured footsteps and his ill singing... _Except, he wasn't leaving_, he had just promised to stay by her side.

She heaved herself up and climbed onto his lap, straddling him as the image of his turned back as he walked away burned and crumpled inside her mind.

Once she was on his lap their faces were almost levelled. He must be rather long legged, because even though he was around 6 inches taller than her she now had to turn her chin down just a little bit to look at him. His breath was hot on her face, and he smelled of ale, dust, and something that could be... cologne? Since when did he wear that expensive stuff? She felt his hands on her waist, pressing her gently forward against him. The tips of their noses touched, and she felt the world around her fall away and fade into the background. She let the fingertips on her right hand brush against his lips, and they felt so soft and warm to the touch.

_"Finally," _she thought.

She kissed him, hungrily. Breathing in sharply he returned her kiss, sending little jolts of pleasure through her. She closed her eyes and moved her lips over his, taking in the sweet taste of ale. She ran her hands through his hair and broke the kiss only to nip at his lower lip gently. He sighed throatily and kissed her again, with intensity. Their tongues brushed against each other and she felt hot and tingly inside as he moved his hands and brushed them up her thighs, and in underneath the skirt of her dress. When his hands slipped in underneath her panties and firmly gripped her ass, she moaned quietly against his lips. He pushed her close with more force than before and plunged in to kiss her neck. His lips, tongue and a hint of nipping teeth against the sensitive skin on her neck sent waves of heat through her body. She felt as if someone had poured liquid fire over her. It was seeping into her skin, filling her up and becoming a part of her, pumped through her body with every heartbeat. The hot, tingly sensation made it's way down through her chest and stomach until the warmth spread between her legs.

She leaned into him, and when the fabric of her dress shifted over her stiff nipples she felt a tingling surge somewhere around her belly button. He shifted the tiniest bit under her, and she felt that he was hard. Her face flushed, and for the shortest moment she hesitated. But when he brought his face up to hers again and their lips crashed together she wanted nothing else but him. Her hips slowly moved as she brushed the hot and tingly spot between her legs against his erection. She felt a shudder pass through him and he moaned.

"Fucking hell, we really shouldn't, no we _can't _do this here," he gasped and his voice was thick. But she wanted more and her body rejected the thought of stopping. Her mind was a red haze, red mist swirling around her wanting to form into a tidal wave. Red wanting. This was the first time she had actually felt lust. Exasperated she sighed and stilled herself, letting her forehead come to rest against his. He withdrew his hands from underneath her dress and wrapped his arms around her waist instead. It felt a lot less exciting.

"I know." She ached with disappointment. To her surprise she heard him chortle. She leaned back a bit and looked at him with her face twisted in confusion. He was almost painfully handsome in the feint light from the moon and stars above.

"You're surprised." she half asked, half stated.

"You could say that. I was hoping for a kiss, but damn."

"Mm, I just kind of went with what felt right." she murmured and averted her eyes while her cheeks burned red. She felt one of his hands gently brush her cheek.

"I didn't mean it like that. I've just not wanted to be pushy or asking for too much."

She understood what he meant. He knew what was in her nightmares, and part of him probably viewed her as damaged.

"Shit, that sounds really lame now that I hear myself say it. But I like the way you look at me. I don't want to do something that would change the way you look at me."

"You won't," she stated plainly, "and I won't. I'm not made of glass you... big oaf. But I'm a little tipsy," she admitted. He chuckled at her pathetic insult.

"We should get you back to the dorms then." He nuzzled into her hair and she felt his warm breath on her neck. She was still aching for him, but she would have to wait.

"Reiner," she whispered, "I'm so glad we don't have to part ways."

"Sometimes your speech is so old fashioned I wonder just how old you are," he jested.. She poked his cheek.

"Oi, at least I'm not a foul mouthed punk like someone I know." She smiled to him. "Let's get back, we have work to do tomorrow."

His face fell, and then his entire body stiffened. He looked as if he'd seen a ghost. Then he gripped her upper arms, hard. She was taken aback by how quickly his mood had shifted.

"Iris," he said, "tomorrow, no matter where you're ordered to work you must promise me something. Stay away from the wall, and if something happens I want you to stay safe. No matter what, you must get to a safe place. Promise me."

She was startled by the intensity in his voice, and his grip on her arms was almost painful. When she didn't immediately respond he shook her a little, his eyes wide and gleaming in the faint moonlight.

"Swear it!" he demanded.

"I promise! I swear it!" she replied hurriedly and his grip loosened. When he leaned against her and buried his face in her shoulder, she felt him trembling. _"Are you having waking nightmares too, or do you know something I don't? Reiner... Who are my enemies? Who is it you're going to protect me from?" _She wrapped her arms around him and held him for a moment.

"Come on, let's go back." She urged and he nodded, releasing her from his grip. She climbed off his lap and rose to her feet, offering her hand to him. He took it, and she pulled him up. He stretched, and walked stiffly beside her as she steered her steps back towards where she thought the HQ would be. "I see you have nightmares too." she said gently.

"Yeah. And in them people get hurt because of me."

She gripped his hand, and let him lead the way from that point. Some of the people they met in the street peered at them curiously, others ignored them. Some were too drunk to notice anything, Iris thought. She was feeling almost sober again herself, aside from a slight dullness in her mind she didn't usually feel. As if someone had wrapped her brain in a soft, warm blanket.

They climbed headquarter stairs in silence, but it was a comfortable silence. Once inside they ascended another flight of stairs to reach the second floor where both of their dorms were located. The corridor was completely deserted, but oil lamps were still lit on the side of every doorway. She wondered what time it was. By her count they probably left the party around ten thirty, but after that she lost track of time. Once they reached the door to the girl's dorm Reiner pulled her close.

"Remember, in case we're not assigned together tomorrow, be safe. I'll come find you."

With those cryptic words he kissed her goodnight, and ushered her through the door to her dorm. She heard him close the door behind her, and his steps faded off further down the hall behind her. All the girls were awake by the look of it. Annie was lying on her back in her bunk, pretending to be asleep but Iris knew her well enough to know she was awake. Ymir was sitting with her legs pulled up inside her own bunk, and next to her was Christa in her night clothes. On the floor in front of them Sasha, Hannah and Mina were all sitting in a semi circle. Mikasa was sat on her own bed next to Ymir's, turned towards the other girls. They seemed to have been talking, but as Iris was nudged inside the room they quieted and looked at her.

"Hi," Iris squeaked. She hadn't thought they'd all be up. She walked towards them.

"Hey blondie, you were out late." Ymir smirked.

"I was... walking," she replied defensively. The half truth sounded unconvincing, but some things she wanted to keep to herself.

"Are you okay?" Christa asked. "We were getting a bit worried, it's after midnight." Iris was just opening her mouth to tell the girl everything was all right when Ymir interrupted her.

"She's been out with Reiner, of course she's fine!" the tall girl jeered. Iris grit her teeth a little as the other girls ogled her. She ran her hand through her own hair, looking for tangles but found none. Phew.

"What were you two doing out this late though?" Sasha pondered. Sometimes Iris wondered if the girl was slow like Connie, or just extremely aloof. Hanna put her hand in front of her face and smiled. _"See, she gets it." _Mikasa's face was impassive. She looked distracted though - Probably something to do with Eren. It always had something to do with Eren.

"Um, Sasha that is probably none of our business," Christa argued, the little blonde angel. Bless her. Ymir grinned wickedly though and stared Iris down.

"I think the huge blonde dimwit has finally made a move, am I right?"

Iris felt strangely protective of Reiner when it came to Ymir's scrutiny, so she thought about telling her to mind her own business. But then she thought of Reiner's lips against hers, and she felt her cheeks flush. And then, instead of saying something snappy her lips split in a big, stupid grin. Her hands coiled into fists, and when Ymir sniggered her face grew even hotter.

"He's joining the survey corps," she heard herself say in a squeaky high pitched voice. The unbidden laughter bubbled up her chest and out of her before she had time to push it back down. She must have looked positively mad, because even Ymir stopped smiling and stared at her in silence.

Iris padded to her bed without another word to them, and wiggled out of her dress and bra before she crept in underneath her blankets. There she lay staring at the ceiling while her thoughts whirred. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Mina looking at her. The girl had an introverted austere look on her face. Iris had suspected the girl had a crush on Reiner for over a year now. Reiner was always kind to everyone, and she could easily see how a young sweet girl would fall for him. But Mina had never been close to him, not closer than most of the other cadets anyhow.

_"Reiner, I want to go with you to see your hometown. I'll become someone strong so I can stand proudly beside you, instead of hiding behind you."_

Once sleep overtook her, she dreamed of dark places where she was chasing shadows. Every time she came close to catching them they slipped from her grasp, and she found herself wondering if she would ever see the sun again.

**Trost District Year 850 - Wall Rose:**

Iris felt sweat trickle down the back of her neck as she greased the cogs in the mechanism which allowed the cannons atop the wall to be turned and aimed at approaching titans. For all the good that did. Most of the time the cannons slowed down titans at best. She had never seen it for herself, but as they had studied tactics and battle strategy during their years of training it had become more and more apparent that the cannons were mostly for show. It could be likened to throwing pebbles at crows - Most of the time you'd miss entirely, and the times you actually hit something the results were unimpressive.

Behind her she heard Connie trying to deny that Eren's little speech from the night before was what had made him change his mind about joining the military brigade. She wasn't surprised to be honest. Eren's speech had been inspiring. You wanted to believe him when he spoke of breaking free of the illusion of freedom in favour of actual freedom. A world without titans.

She stood up and wiped the sweat from her brow with the sleeve of her jacket. She turned toward the others and saw Sasha approaching. The girl was hiding something in her arms.

"I guess I'll be looking forward to working with you in the survey corps then," she said to no one in particular. Eren stared at her.

"You're joining?"

"Yes, haven't Mikasa told you?"

"Nope." Eren gawked at her. She shrugged.

Sasha reached them, and Iris saw what she had stolen this time. Meat, a big chunk of it. Internally, she groaned. This wasn't something she'd like to get in trouble for. Then Sasha stunned her when she reflected on how they could eat meat all the time once they reclaimed wall Maria. Another dreamer had joined their ranks. And then the rest of them followed, asking for a share of the meat, and with it proclaiming their intent to join the scouting regiment. Mina shot her a defiant glare. Perhaps the mousy girl had more fight in her than Iris had thought.

She looked to the horizon where in the far distance the mountains stood tall and silent. A warm breeze made her hair flap behind her.

_"Wall Maria is out there somewhere, and yet we can't even see it from here. Any beyond it? How big is the world? If we can't even see our own wall from here, how can we even begin to estimate how large the rest of it is? I want to know what's behind that horizon. Maybe Reiner and I can see it together."_

Suddenly the wall under her feet shook as a deep booming made the air around her vibrate. She had just enough time to register the huge shape that seemed to have sprung straight from her nightmares appear out of thin air outside the wall. Then the blast of hot air hit her, throwing her off her feet and into the air. She felt the wind and the awful drop as she went over the edge and hurtled toward the hard ground inside the wall. Up ahead she saw the fingers of the colossal titan grip the top of the wall, the stone crumbling beneath its fingers and a spray of pebbles and debris came falling her way.

_"Where did it come from? Why now?"_

She heard Eren's voice shouting for them to switch to vertical maneuvering. She obeyed out of instinct. Then she wondered what would have happened if Eren hadn't been here. Would she have let herself fall? What would remain of a human body if they fell from the wall and hit the ground? Her grapple hook attached itself onto the wall, and with a jolt that almost snapped her neck her trajectory shifted and now she was shooting upwards.

_"You almost killed me you bastard. I promised to stay safe and you almost made me break that promise."_

With a whoosh of air the top of the wall came into her view, and her feet connected with the stone just in time to the huge body of the thing shift in a swinging motion. She did not realise what the thing was doing until the deafening crack below signalled that it had kicked through the gate. Out of the corner of her eye she could see debris spray inward. A few larger chunks of rock smashed into and through the walls of some of the buildings below. She heard gasps from her comrades, and then shouting. But she couldn't make out what they were saying, because her eyes had finally landed on the titan.

It had no skin. She didn't know what she had expected, but it wasn't this. She had heard Eren call it 'a skinless monster'. But this _thing _looked... almost like a humongous flayed man. Her gaze searched the titans face, and she felt her breath get caught in her throat.

_"Oh god, why? Why, why ,why?"_

Her knees threatened to give way under her, and her heart hammered in her chest. Tears burned and formed in her eyes as the thing stared her down with it's cruel gaze. Its eyes were brown.

_"Why is it looking at me?"_

She saw Eren zoom past and engage the monster, and finally the thing looked away. She leaned over and heaved, but nothing came back up. Instead she gasped for breath and felt her knees steady again. That's when she saw the huge arm of the monstrosity come swinging towards her. If she was hit, it would all be over before it started.

_"I have to keep my promise"_

Her grapple hooks shot out and attached themselves to the things shoulder. Shooting towards it she avoided the swing of its arm as it crashed into the top of the wall, sending cannons and huge chunks of rock flying all over the place.

_"Stay off the wall" _she heard Reiner urge her. _"Stay safe!"_

She drew her blades. This thing would not destroy any more walls today.

_"I'm sorry Reiner..."_

She was just about to hook onto the back of the vile thing's skull when she saw Eren come at it. He was already positioned and flying in for the kill. The thing would be too slow to respond, he had this. She hooked back onto the wall and got herself to safety. Seems she wasn't breaking any promises today after all.

But as her feet connected with the stone, she heard them. Footsteps approaching. Iris let her eyes sweep across Trost. How many people lived here? Hundreds? Thousands?

The wall had been breached.

_"The titans are coming."_


	8. 7

**Trost District Year 850 - West flank of the middle guard:**

Jean slumped on top of the roof next to her. He rested his forehead in his shaky hand; the same hand that still gripped the device handle of his broken blade. On the street below them to the left, the little titan they had sliced lay decomposing. Steam rose off its body, and Iris imagined she could feel the heat coming off it in it's time of dying.

The city around them seemed still and peaceful. Earlier the air had vibrated with screams, running footsteps, and the sounds of windows shattering. Now a deathly silence loomed around them. She felt an uneasiness creep into her bones. There was something wrong about this scene. Looking around she could see no titans poking their ugly heads up above the rooftops. Neither could she hear their rumbling footsteps close by.

"Hey," Jean said, "how much gas do you have left?"

"Enough to try get some more of them."

_"In truth, two, three more short fights. Then I'll be out unless I can find the supply divisions."_

"This place feels empty, so where have they gone?" she mused.

"What's this, eager to hunt them down and get eaten?" Jean grumbled, but then he stopped himself. Rising to his feet, she saw him scan their surroundings thoughtfully. "Actually, where is _everyone?_"

For a moment she did not comprehend his meaning, but then it hit her too. Not just the civilians and the titans seemed to have gone elsewhere. She listened for voices, any voices, or the zipping swoosh of their manuevering gear. But there was nothing. All the soldiers had gone as well.

_"But gone to where?" _she thought.

"Something must have happened behind us, or on the right flank, that drew the troops that way. If titans broke through on the right, the rear guard should be able to hold them off for a while. They have the best garrison soldiers and Mikasa," Jean muttered. He chewed his lip as if wanting to bite back the words he was about to utter, his expression strained. "_Either way _we need to head to the right flank and see if we find titans... or corpses."

He looked like he wanted to punch himself in the face for being so rational, instead of urging them to go to hide with the rear troops.

"Careful, you're looking more and more noble when you speak this way." she smiled wryly. It earned her a scornful look from Jean.

_" He wants to tuck his tail and run, but then his more decisive and morally superior self takes over." _she thought_._

"You're too calm about this, asshole. I've been way too close to getting chomped, and we've seen _people_, our comrades die. And you're smiling? Show some decency," he spat. His words stung, but he was forgetting something, something that made all the difference.

"Jean," she put her hand on his shoulder. "Our comrades were soldiers, and so are you and I. Soldiers die all the time."

Her body felt like it was singing; fingertips tingling, heart pounding, and her mind had an icy clearness to it. She wondered where this strange calm had come from. She felt... acceptance. They were soldiers now. How they felt about the orders given did not matter, they should just fulfil their duty. Jean knew that too she thought; but he resented it.

He shrugged her hand off, harshly.

"I'll take the lead, you cover our backs and to the right." he bit off, and with those words he turned and went.

Iris followed close behind, keeping her eyes open for both friends and foes. Traces of titans were apparent everywhere. Stalls trampled, personal belongings scattered around the streets, broken things strewn across the cobblestones, broken bodies here and there. It was as if the titans outside of the gate had been waiting for it to be smashed open. These fringe districts were there to attract larger amounts of titans than the other areas, but were there always this many lurking about outside? They'd just come marching in the moment the gate was broken; big and small, all together, waddling along like some kind of army of the witless and hungry. At the thought of it, she felt a cold chill down her back.

She had seen a titan bend down and grab an elderly man; too old, bent and lame to run, in its huge fist. The man's scarf had flapped around him, and his feet had been kicking wildly as he was lifted into the air. At first he had merely screamed wordlessly, but once he hovered over the titans face and saw it open its jaws below, he began to weep. _"Help me... mother. Mother... I'm sorry ma, please help me, pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaargh" _the last word had turned into a long shriek as the titan put the man in its mouth and bit down. His scream became shrill. His upper body slowly toppled, and slid to the titan's chin, still attached somewhere to its lower half by frayed flesh and sinew. He was still wailing when the wet tissue gave, and his top half tumbled onto the cobblestones below. Perhaps he was dead before he hit the ground, and the shriek was just caused by a spasm forcing the remaining air in his lungs up through his throat. She'd like to think that.

"Wait," Jean called out and halted on the ridge of the roof ahead. "Look, I think he's alive!" he pointed down to the street below. On the corner, resting against the wall of a stone building, sat a soldier who looked reasonably intact. The mark on his breast pocket looked to Iris like the crossed roses of the garrison emblem.

_"Part of the vanguard? If so, he has fallen very far behind the lines."_

The man's uniform was soaked in blood, and his right sleeve ended above the elbow where only a bloody stump remained of what had been his arm. He looked otherwise unharmed, but by the way the blood had sprayed and splashed all over him it looked to have been some time since he had been wounded.

_"He's lost too much blood."_

"Look at him, he's either dead or about to be," she dismissed the soldier and made a move to continue forward. This was reality now, each man to his own. She felt a tug at her jacket, turning her back, and then her left cheek exploded with pain. Stars danced before her eyes and her knees gave way. Then she was yanked back up on her feet, and she found Jean's face only inches away from her own, staring at her furiously.

"Help me with him or I'll push you off this roof right now." he hissed. Her cheek burned where he'd punched her. She nodded her head, and he let her out of his grip. They turned and swung down to the ground where the soldier sat slumped.

He really was in bad condition. His improvised tourniquet was tied loosely around his upper arm. He'd done it by himself, she realised with a quiver; using his one good arm, and his teeth. His eyes burned into hers. He'd probably heard her, and seen her turn away from him.

_"It's the right decision to leave him. He will die soon, and with one of us carrying him we will be exposed in case we come upon titans."_

She felt a chill as she thought of how it would feel to be in his shoes; watching her only hope of survival turn on their heels and leave her to wait there. Either for the icy cold, feeling her eyelids grow heavier each minute as she'd slowly bleed to death. Or wait for the thumping of massive feet approaching, knowing that all too soon big hands would grip the ruins of her body. Did time seem to slow once a titan had you in its clutches? Did you have a lot of time for anguish while it lifted you to its open mouth? Once it bit down, or tore you apart with its hands, did time seem to halt altogether, leaving you in a hell of agony as your body fought against its own dying?

Iris walked to the man. Behind her Jean stood motionless, perhaps regretting his insistence now that he saw the state of the soldier up close. She tightened the tourniquet around his stump and watched the man wince.

"What's your name?"

"Jacek Grzegorczyk," he wheezed faintly.

"I'm going to carry you Jacek. Can you stand for just a second if I pull you up?"

He didn't look like he would be able to, but he inclined his head anyway. She grabbed his good arm and jabbed her other hand under his stump. She could see the indentations of huge teeth where bite had taken the arm off. The edges of the bite were rough and jagged. Pieces of torn flesh hung from the stump and flapped grotesquely as they struggled to get him up on his feet. The moment he stood she roughly swooped him into her arms. He was of lanky build, and for now she had no trouble taking his weight. She really hoped he wouldn't throw up on her. She was very sensitive to strong, pungent smells, and soldier Jacek already stank of blood and sweat.

"I'll cover you, let's hurry." Jean swooped up ahead.

They made their way towards their original target, where no medical personnel would be waiting. Perhaps no one would be waiting except for more titans. But what other choice did they have? By now they were close to reaching the right flank, and there was no way Iris would have enough gas to turn to the rear and carry Jacek there. But maybe the supply troops had reached the right; they were closest to the supplies headquarters. Perhaps there were medics there.

_"So many things can go wrong now. All because we wouldn't leave one man behind. Why am I doing this? For whom?"_

Iris did fine carrying Jacek for the first fifteen minutes, but then her arms began to feel heavy. Biting her lip, she wondered if Jean had enough gas to take him the last bit.

When she heard the sounds coming from up ahead her heart dropped to her stomach.

_Thud...thud...thud._

Then she heard a rattling that could be roof tiles being swiped by a large hand, clattering to the ground below. Then she heard lighter footsteps from somewhere to the left of the large titan that must be lurking up ahead somewhere.

She grappled on and swung herself onto the roof of a tall tower up ahead, hoping to get a better view of what awaited them up ahead. On her right she heard Jean land, and draw a sharp breath.

What awaited before them was a sea of titans. Most of them looked to be on their way inwards, towards the gate of wall Rose... Or towards the supplies headquarters.

"Iris," she heard Jean say. He looked to her, and then down at Jacek. The soldiers face was turned up to her, but his eyes could see her no more. His mouth was slightly open, but he would not speak again. His blood had stained her uniform red. She could not remember blood looking this dark before; it seemed almost black against her white trousers. She put him down, not ungently, and his head rolled to the side so his unseeing eyes were staring into the monstrous sea of titans up ahead. She turned his head back, so he would be looking up to the sky instead. She crossed his one good arm over his chest. If you overlooked all the blood, and the stump with its strips of red flesh and gore, he almost looked peaceful.

"You were right, he died. It was all for nothing," Jean muttered mournfully. She touched Jean's shoulder and he didn't shrug her off this time.

"Look at how peaceful he is now. Because of you, he did not die alone and afraid. You did him a kindness."

"Was it worth the risk though?" he muttered. She reflected on it, but had no answer to offer him. Instead she patted his shoulder and once again swept her eyes over the city blocks before them. She thought she could see the shapes of people on top of a belltower in the distance, but it was impossible to judge if they were alive or dead. She raised her blade over her head and waved it in long strokes. She held her breath and hoped to see some kind of movement in response. Jean had also seen the little dots atop the tower and did the same as her. For the longest time nothing seemed to move over there.

Then someone over there waved back at them.

Whoever they were, they were alive.

She turned, feeling her heart flutter in her chest. But Jean did not look happy. He looked somber and calculating where he stood silently. A faint wind blew and moved through his hair. It tugged a little at her braid, and she tucked a strand that had come loose behind her ear.

"We dodge any titans we encounter on our way there. I don't have enough gas left to fight, and I really don't want to get stranded here." he shot her a hard look.

"Yes captain," she huffed. He seemed utterly unimpressed with her jest, and swooped off without another word. She shot after him. With her braid flapping against her back and the sound of the air rushing by in her ears she felt a liberating sensation of weightlessness. Her eyes burned and watered a little at the rush of air. Up ahead she could see the belltower, surrounding buildings and the shapes atop them approaching quickly. She noticed there were more people on the surrounding roofs, but she could not yet make out who they were.

_"Reiner, you'll be there right? You have to be. With your strength and your skill there's no way a few titans will get the best of you. Especially not after making me promise that we'd find each other again as soon as we could... Although I wonder what's up with you today. That look you had on your face made my stomach twist with worry. Was it just the stress? Were you just afraid? 'Fuck the orders,' you said, 'be cowardly, care only for yourself, stay alive. Do anything you have to, just come back alive Iris. Do you hear me?!' and then you shook me again, roughly and so unlike you, just like last night. I could tell you were angry, but I have no idea at what. I'm starting to think that sometimes you're angry at the entire world... But Reiner, I tried doing as you told me. I tried to be cowardly. I wanted to leave that soldier behind. But he had a name, dreams, fears, and now someone will have to mourn for him. I don't know what the right choice is when both options are shit. I wish you'd stop asking me to make these promises might not be able to keep."_

She grit her teeth. Even her thoughts were rambling now. Her mind's waters were stormy. In the midst of this chaos, having killed and seen gore and death and vomit, covered in another man's blood and with a lump of something deep red and meaty stuck to her one sleeve; in the midst of all this shit, she thought of _him_. Saw him around every corner. And in a perverse sort of way she'd even seen a shadow of him in the titans her and Jean had slain... even sticking with Jean had of sorts been by Reiner's orders. Jean was skilled, and instead of crumbling and turning into a blubbering mess like she'd anticipated, he seemed to have turned his fear into some odd kind of strength. So she had leeched on to him and they had tag-teamed the titans, slicing limbs and knees, acted as diversions and killed in good synchronicity. He was bristly as a porcupine however, and would snap and spout some rather hurtful things. Her cheek still stung where he'd hit her. But perhaps she had deserved it.

The first familiar face Iris spotted belonged to Connie who was standing in front of someone who'd curled up on the roof with their back leaned against the base of the belltower. She moved over to them, and as she drew closer she realised it was Armin. He was hugging his own knees, and his eyes were downcast. That didn't seem like a good sign to her.

"Hey," she spoke up, startling Connie who turned to her.

"Iris!" he gaped, "You made it?!"

_"Gee, he could at least try to hide his surprise a little."_

"Yeah me and Jean made it here together. I saw Christa and Ymir on my way here, where's everyone else..." she trailed off as she looked at Armin. Tremors shook his small frame, but he did not make a sound. She gave Connie a look, but he just shrugged helplessly. Seems Armin was in some kind of state of shock. She heard the whirring sound of people approaching using their maneuvering gear from somewhere close behind.

"Iris!" she heard him call. Her stomach finally stopped twisting inside, and she breathed a sigh of relaxation as she turned around. As he saw her turn, his face paled until it had taken on the shade of sour milk. His mouth fell open and his eyes widened in undisguised terror. For a moment she was at a loss, but then it dawned on her. She looked down on her hands that were stained red, where flecks of blood had dried and were slowly peeling off. At once she realised just how sticky blood became as it dried.

"It's not my blood," she said numbly and approached him. His face flushed with relief.

"Then whose blood is it?" he put his hand on her shoulder.

"Jacek's... Jean and I found him on our way here. He was a garrison soldier." Reiner's grip hardened painfully.

"And you tried to save him, didn't you?" his voice was full of accusation.

Her eyes fell to her boots, and her shoulders slumped. All her explanations and justifications stuck in her throat, because they all sounded stupid now. At once he turned apologetic.

"Sorry... sorry. I just hated not knowing where you were." he pulled her closer and put his arms around the frame of her shoulders as if to shelter her.

"You'll get blood on your uniform," she protested.

"I don't care, hug me." he ordered, and she obeyed gladly. She felt warm at last. Despite having sweated for hours from stress and combat she'd felt a sort of queer chill surge through her insides. Most of the time people seemed to be talking about 'the heat of battle', but she'd only felt cold. It was here, in his embrace that she finally felt warm. She closed her eyes

.

**_"In squad 34 of the training corps," _**she heard Armin's loud, shrill voice cry out, **_"Tomas Wagner, Nac Tias, Mylius Zeramuski, Mina Carolina, Eren Yeager... have all fulfilled their duty and fallen in battle."_**

Her arms fell to her sides, and so did Reiner's. She turned. Armin was kneeling in front of Mikasa, who must have arrived just now, as if he was to beg her for mercy. He was weeping, blue eyes bulging, his face twister into a pained grimace.

_"Dead," _she thought, and she wanted to cry. But her tears would not bring them back. Nothing would. So instead she turned to Reiner... and stiffened at the look on his face. A mixture of pain and rage warred behind the stern surface. His eyes were full of steel. One of his hands was balled into a tight fist. White knuckled he stood there, motionless. His mouth was like a hard line across his jaw. She nudged him, and her throat felt so tight. His hardened gaze fell upon her, and he drew her close again.

"From now on you're not leaving my side," he grumbled hoarsely. Then he added; "_I'm sorry._"

What he was sorry for, she did not know. And at once, she was afraid to ask. Ignoring the tightness in her chest, she looked around the faces of the other people around the roof. Most of them looked shocked, sad or just disheartened. Jean sat slumped with his hand over his face again. Connie stood dumbstruck next to him, and did not seem to be able to comprehend what he'd just heard. Sasha, who'd often wear a look like she was half dreaming, now looked icily aware of the harsh reality before them. Marco seemed saddened, and surprisingly so did Annie. Iris thought she'd never looked quite so... human before. And Bertholdt he -

_"Bertholdt, what's that queer look on your face?"_

An iron hand wrapped itself around her ribcage and gave her a long, hard squeeze. She looked into Berthold's eyes.

His warm brown eyes.


	9. 8

**Trost District Year 850 - Right flank of the middle guard:**

Iris felt a chill run through her as her dark blue eyes met Bertholdt's warm brown ones. The daggers dug deep into her back, twisting, burning. What was that expression on his face? It looked like a kind of... guilt. But no, that was a stupid thought. Either way she had no time to figure out where this uneasy feeling came from. It was just Bert, gentle, harmless Bertholdt who would usually mumble slightly when speaking to her, and avoid looking her in the eye altogether.

She looked to Jean, still slumped on the ground and no doubt contemplating his life choices.

"Jean," she called to him, "what do we do now?" He grumbled and turned to her.

"You keep asking me that today. Like I'd know more than any of you. Damn it, all I wanted was just one more day of peace." he looked tired, as if he hadn't slept in ages and was at his wits end. But Iris would not relent.

"You brought us here. Now we know what happened on the right flank. _What do we do now?_" she left Reiner's side and felt him grab for her arm as if to hold her back, but then he let her go. She went to Jean, and nudged him in the side with the toe of her boot, making him hiss like an angry snake.

"Stop that!" he pushed her boot away before throwing a mournful look towards HQ where the titans were swarming. "We can't climb the damned wall without replenishing our supplies. The chances of us being rescued before we are all eaten are slim, especially with the damned survey corps gone... So our only option is to die here, or to rush to HQ and just ignore any titans we can on the way there." he concluded grimly. He'd always had an air of arrogance about him, like he knew the secret to this life and the rest of them were just bumbling idiots. But all that was gone now; he'd turned into yet another boy who'd seen more than he should have. Who had done things, and made decisions no fifteen year old should have to. And he was not done making them yet.

"Then let's storm HQ." She concluded. He gave her a spiteful look.

"All of us would have to go together, and everyone wouldn't make it. People would die. Are you about to ask them to do that?"

"No," she stared him down, "you are." Jean looked like he was about to protest, but she silenced him by saying; "Your plan is the only one we have that gives some of us a good chance to survive."

That's when Mikasa stepped forward, raised her blade into the air and proclaimed:

"I am strong, stronger than all of you. Extremely strong. I'll kill all those titans by myself if I have to. You incompetent, spineless, pathetic bastards can just sit back and watch me while you suck on your fingers. Do it."

Iris felt herself tune out to the rest. Mikasa was extremely strong, but compared to her Iris felt almost socially competent. No one would feel encouraged by that little speech. Being called pathetic didn't really rouse anyone's will to fight, or light the fire in their bellies. She stared down at Jean.

_"This bristly porcupine will know how to rile them." _she kicked him in the side. He shot her one venomous look, and rose to his feet.

"As far as speeches go, that was quite pathetic," he muttered. Then he added; "Eren, this is your fault." He turned, put his blade up and called out to the gathered squads.

_**"Hey, did they teach us to let our comrades fight alone?! Are we all spineless cowards who will shame ourselves?" **_he bellowed. Behind them soldiers turned their way. Wide, frightened eyes fixed upon Jean where he stood, brash, annoying and braver most of them. She could see them rising, slowly, silently, but they rose. She locked eyes with Reiner as she drew her blades. His behaviour today had left a lump of uneasiness rumbling around in her stomach. There was definitely something going on within him, be it stress or something else, and he seemed determined to keep to himself. He looked like he wanted to say something to her, but at that moment Jean grappled off the roof, and around them others followed. So she gave Reiner one last look, twisted her face into a weak smile, winked; then she turned and followed behind Jean.

She swung roof to roof, landing atop them to run their length before shooting to the next one. She was running low on gas, and she was not willing to sacrifice any more of it just so she could move faster. Up ahead she saw Jean had come to a stop atop a tall building, so she made her way toward where he stood. She heard a scream, so loud she could swear the glass windows rattled in their frames. She knew what that scream meant, and why Jean stood ahead, frozen in terror. She drew a deep breath, and the air felt cold in her lungs, chilling her entire body to the bone. Up ahead she saw two soldiers rush to the aid of their comrade, but by the sound of his screams they were too late. Terrified, wordless shrieks were usually the last resort of the person dying, once all wits and hope had left them. Iris landed on the roof, and ran as fast as her legs could carry her. She heard Jean shout something to the people who'd headed down to try save the dying soldier, but he should be advancing; there was no time to waste on those who'd already made the last, fateful decision they would get to make in this life.

She made it to the edge, just in time to see the first soldiers head crunch between a titans teeth, turning into a gory mess of blood, hair and something gray and gooey that must be brain matter. It squeezed out through the cracks of his ruined skull, slobbering down across the soldiers shoulders before spilling to the ground. The second soldier flew in to cut the titans neck, despite it being too late already. That's when the second, much larger titan leaned in and grabbed him in its fist. Helplessly they watched the third soldier, a girl, get pounced by another three titans. She only whimpered as they began tearing her to pieces, but hey eyes screamed with pain and terror.

Iris heard the soldiers behind her stop dead in their tracks, no doubt staring at the scene ahead of them with sinking hearts.

_"The heroes in my stories always died valiantly when the monsters came." _she thought, and felt hollow inside. There was no nobility in this. The girl who had been too terrified to scream had soiled herself either right before, or while she died. Now her head was buried in the larger titan's mouth while the smallest one gnawed on her left foot. Her right arm had been torn off by the third creature, and out through the huge gaping hole it had left, her blood spilled to the ground. _And that was the last anyone would ever remember of her_.

_**"NOW! Head straight for HQ while the titans are busy!" **_Jean howled, snapping them all out of their daze.

He made a mad dash for it, betting everything he had left on being able to force his way through to HQ. Without thinking, Iris fell in behind him. She threw a glance over her shoulder to make sure Reiner was still there, and her eye found him easily. Close behind him were Bertholdt and Annie. As she looked at Bertholdt, again she felt as if zapped by a jolt electricity. Something was trying to fight itself to the forefront of her mind; a remembrance of some sort, that kept insisting on its importance. But she did not want to know. Not now.

Up ahead she saw Jean gracefully dodge a tall, slender titan.

But she felt her insides turn cold when her eyes spotted a movement up ahead. Peeking around the corner of a building where the streets intersected, was a large, round face. It's eyes were foreign-looking, long, narrow slits that fixed upon Jean. And Jean already had his hands full, crisscrossing through the outreached hands of two more titans. The sneaky titan came trudging on all fours, deceptively quiet despite its size. Then, with surprising speed it lurched forward, it's hand shooting up into the air like the head of a snake, ready to grab its prey.

Iris reacted.

She averted her trajectory and threw herself towards the titans massive, ugly face.

_"Will you still be smiling when I'm done with you, you massive ugly fucker?!" _she thought as she slammed onto the titans head, and drove her blades into its eyes, burying them all the way to the hilt. The titan thrashed, and made a sound that could have been a moan of pain. Feeling as if the world around her had begun to move in slow motion, Iris wrenched her blades free. She saw the titans massive hands come shooting for her, and she readied herself to dodge them when she heard a _'swoosh' _behind her. Looking over her shoulder she heard the sound steel makes as it slices through flesh, and as titan's blood cascaded over her she was temporarily blinded by the rising steam. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the titan's arms go limp, and it slowly started to sag to the ground. Hazel eyes, flecked with gold stared into hers through the steam, full of anger.

_**"Iris go, NOW!" **_Reiner thundered at her. She obeyed, and with his words ringing in her ears as she saw the HQ windows come crashing towards her. Remembering just in time to lift her arms to shield her face, she smashed through the windows and hurled to the floor inside. She felt herself slam into something hard, knocking the breath from her body. Flopping like a fish on land she gasped, and after a few moments finally she felt air fill her lungs again. She sat up, and saw Reiner striding towards her, his face pale and hard with anger.

"Have you lost your mind?!" he hissed, golden eyes flaring. "It was about to grab you Iris, you could have died!" She felt her own temper flare. This day was really one big shitfest.

"So could you! Why did you help me, I had it under control!" she fumed and climbed to her feet. It seems she could do nothing right today, and everyone was wearing on her nerves.

"For you!" he shouted, and in an instant his anger was gone. "I did it for you," he continued, more gently now. Just like that, as quickly as it had come, her own anger left her. She stepped forward, and took his hand in hers. Strangely enough, he did not seem to have a single scrape or cut on him. She had never really worried for him, she realised. Something in her felt like he was a constant in the universe. As if a world without him in it was unthinkable. She squeezed his hand hard as he cupped her chin with his free hand.

"You really did a number on me there, rushing off after Jean like that as if you were in a hurry to.. I don't know what. Fucking hell Iris, is this what happens when I tell you to stay safe?" His hand was shaking.

"Nowhere is safe," she replied, "not anymore."

He did not seem to know what to say to that. Instead they turned toward Jean, who was pummelling one of the soldiers from the supply unit. Marco rushed forward and lifted him off the sobbing, blubbering mess that was supposed to pass for a soldier. Hot coals smouldered in Iris's stomach when she heard his pathetic excuses. Their commander had fled to the safety within Rose, they had been left all alone, they had been surrounded, there had been so many titans...

_As if there hadn't been titans outside_. As if the rest of the troops hadn't fought bravely and died miserably out there, while these wretches cowered in here. They hadn't even tried, they had just put down their arms and huddled like whipped dogs, waiting for death to come to them. She even saw the spray of blood and brains against their barricade of furniture where someone had blown their own head off rather than fight. Her free hand coiled into a fist, and she bit her teeth together so hard her jaw ached.

_"They killed Eren, Jacek, Mina and everyone else as much as the titans did." _she thought, and felt as if her insides were on fire. _"They're gone, and it's all your fault." _Her hand travelled to the grip of her sheathed blade. Closing around the handle, she let go of Reiner, and started walking to the whimpering boy on the floor. The blood that drenched her uniform had now completely dried, making it stiff against her body. Some more blood on it would not make a big difference. Perhaps it would even bring some justice back into this mad world.

That's when the wall ahead of her exploded inwards. A massive titan had slammed it's huge, ugly face right through the wall, sending glass and debris raining down on the soldiers within. Mass panic broke out as soldiers ran for the doors, trampling over each other to get to the safety of the inner room within the tower. Iris had to dodge around fleeing soldiers to avoid getting rammed. She felt someone grab her elbow and was about to wrench herself away from them when she turned her head, and realised it was Jean. He was holding onto her as if she was a lifeboat on a stormy sea; his eyes fixed on the titan's smiling face. It was staring at them stupidly, as if contemplating which one of them to reach for first; and they had no way to fight anymore. The bowels of the HQ were swarming with titans, and all the tanks of gas and blades were stored down there.

Iris turned her head, and looked at Reiner.

_"I want your face to be the last thing I see in this world," _she thought. Then she heard Jean gasp, and she saw Reiner's eyes widen. He was looking past her, out through the hole in the wall. She whipped her head around just as the black haired abnormal titan outside opened its jaws, and howled furiously. It looked nothing like a normal titan to Iris. Instead of a stupid smiling face and empty eyes, this titan's face was a twisted in a snarl, it's jaw powerful and it's eyes burned like hot coals in their sockets. It screamed, and attacked the titans outside. It used it's jaws to rip out the nape of the neck on one of them, as if it knew how to kill them. Iris chewed her lip, and tasted blood in her mouth.

Another window exploded, and in tumbled first Mikasa, and then followed Connie, carrying Armin.

"Mikasa, y-you're alive," Jean stammered in utter disbelief.

"Phew!" Connie exclaimed. "That was close, I'm completely out now. Listen, that titan's an anomaly. It's been ignoring us, killing other titans so we led it here. Armin was thinking we could use it to get out of here!"

Iris's head was spinning. The world had gone mad while she slept last night it seemed. Eren, the little boy she met three years ago, was a titan shifter. Below her the buildings flew by and she maneuvered herself through the district in search of titans. The plan was for Eren to plug the wall, and while they had managed to drive most of the titans into a corner of the district there were still quite a few of them walking about. And they all seemed strangely drawn to Eren's titan form. So the strongest among the training corps and the garrison had been sent into Trost to attempt to assist the elite guard that had been sent with Eren into the fray. Every titan counted, every kill counted.

Iris has watched silently as Kitz Weilman; the craven who had abandoned HQ and hid behind Rose, and the man who had tried to execute Eren on the spot; had sent the stronger cadets back into the district. Her eyes had followed Reiner until he disappeared in between the buildings below, and as soon as he was out of sight she had made her way to Weilman to request permission to join the fight herself. The captain had looked her up and down, bloody as she was, and asked her why he should grant her request.

_"Because sir," _she had said icily, _"I can still fight!" _and that had seemed to be good enough for him.

The thought of those cowards back at HQ still made her so angry she felt like she was about to explode. What would she have done if that titan hadn't smashed though the wall at that time? Her hand had been on her blade, and she had wanted to use it on that squealing pig on the floor. But would she really have done it? It wasn't something a good person would do, and she thought she was still a good person. Not the best person, no, but not bad either. Where did you draw the line though? Did bad people know when they crossed it, or did they perhaps still consider themselves justified?

She landed on the roof ahead of her, and spotted a 7 meter, smiling titan ahead of her. It's torso was strangely elongated, and it's legs short, and oddly thin. There was no way those little legs would have supported that huge body if titans flesh wasn't so light compared to human flesh. It's mouth was smaller than the mouth of your average titan, and it's facial proportions were almost like that of a human. In a way that was even more sickening than those other babyfaced monstrosities. She wondered what would be worse, being swallowed almost whole by a large titan, left to drown in whatever was inside of it, or being chewed apart by the jaws of a smaller one.

_"Perhaps I ought to take to carrying a pistol. If it came down to having no chance of survival, I think I too would prefer to blow my own brains out." _she thought before grappling off the roof. She swung around the titan in a semi circle, and saw it's dull eyes focus on her. It reached out, and with one furious slice she cut it's hands off. The titan groaned with what sounded more like surprise than pain, and raised the stumps where its hands had been, staring at them stupidly. As she was flying past its face, hoping to position herself behind it so she could slice into its neck, the titan suddenly jutted its head out towards her. With a loud _'crack'_ its teeth slammed together only a couple of inches away from her. A wave of cold washed over her as she broke into a sweat, but her furious onslaught continued. Her jacket, despite being stiff with dried blood flapped in the wind as she hooked onto the titan's neck. With a _'snap'_ she changed her trajectory, and was now crashing towards the titan's exposed nape. She spun, and felt her blades dig deep into skin and flesh.

Coming out of the cloud of smoke that puffed up as the titan began to dissolve, she saw the green flare. The flare signalling that the plan had been a success. She landed on the roof of the closes building, and put her blade up, pointing it towards the heavens. She took one sweet moment to relish this victory. Her heart pounded in her chest, so loudly it seemed to drown out all the other sounds around her. She had made it through, reeking of blood, but alive. Then she turned her face towards the gate where Eren would be. She thought she could see a lot of steam rising from there, and she wondered how many titans they'd had to deal with over there. And then, almost as an afterthought she wondered how many of the elite squad had died.

_"A good person would feel something for them, and for their families."_

She couldn't even really remember their faces, and their names she had never known to begin with. But then she thought of Mina. Little Mina with her hair in pigtails, who would throw long looks after Reiner. The last thoughts she'd had of Mina before knowing she was dead had not been too kind ones. She had not really liked the girl, but she definitely would not have wished her to die in a place like this. That did make her sad. She turned her gaze to her left, towards where she had last seen Reiner disappear to. Perhaps she should try find him... but if she did he would know she had been here, fighting.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she saw a tall titan come swaying down the street a couple of blocks away, headed inward toward wall Rose. Deciding to try stop it, she checked her blades to make sure they were still sharp. But before she had time to spring into action, she saw a soldier move in and engage the titan. Never in her life had she seen someone move like this soldier. He was so fast it was difficult for her eye to follow, and his movements were razor sharp. In one terrifying flurry of green fabric and shining blades, he sliced his way up the titan's long arm. His cut to the titan's neck was so deep he almost took the thing's head clean off. Then, without a single look behind him he headed for the wall.

Iris realised her mouth was hanging open. Not just because she had just witnessed the most amazing display of titan-killing skills she had ever seen, no there had been something familiar about that person. But he had been too far away for her to be sure.

_"Could he be...?" _she shook her head to clear it, and then hurried to follow the soldier. He was so fast she had already lost sight of him, but whoever he was, he was obviously someone important. Which meant he was likely to be found close to where Dot Pixis had been perched atop the wall. Thus, Iris headed towards where she had last seen the commander.

She had always known the man who saved her life was a dangerous person. Not dangerous to her, no, but danger could be defined in many ways. She had always gotten a feeling that her savior was a man who thought that the ends justified the means. The kind of person who was just as likely to torture a man as he was to bribe him. "Luca Weiz" was what he had presented himself as, and he had always been adamant in not telling her anything beyond that. He had terrified her parents. Her mother had always cowered away from the door once she realised he had returned for another visit, and quickly made the excuse to go shopping for groceries. Or remembered that she had scheduled for a luncheon with one of her friends. She even went to see her mother once, even though her mother had been dead for six years. But then, Luca probably didn't know that. Iris doubted he would have cared even if he knew... and her father, well he was rarely home. In the years after his good friend had forced himself upon his daughter, Dieter Bachmann had spent more and more time at the office. Even the sight of Iris had seemed to cause him discomfort. She wondered if he was more at ease now that she wasn't around any longer. Anyway, despite suspecting that "Luca Weiz" was an alias, and despite knowing he was a scary man, she had never once considered that he might be a soldier.

And... had those been the wings of freedom on the crest of his cape? She climbed the wall, seeing the edge come closer and closer. Her heart began to race with the anticipation. If it was him...

Quiet as a mouse she climbed over the edge, looking around. To her left a group of soldiers were stood by the cannons. They were looking down toward the titans amassing by the wall far below. Now that the soldiers had begun to spread out more, so had the titans. To her right however she thought she spied commander Pixis. No one seemed to pay her any mind; she was just one of the soldiers returning. She decided that if anyone asked, she was looking for her officer in charge; which would only be a half lie since she at this present time had none, bar Dot Pixis. Putting a formal swing in her step she drew closer to the commander. He was surrounded by a following of between then and twenty soldiers, all of which she could see were wearing the Garrison uniform.

_"There, a flash of green."_

And there he stood with his back to her. But she did not need to see his face to know it was him. He had not changed at all during the last three years. His short stature, slender but sinewy build and black hair cropped in an undercut were the same as they had always been. And those _had been_ the wings of freedom on his back, which meant that soon she would be serving alongside him in the survey corps. So he _was_ a soldier, the man she owed her life to.

She thought it was time to sneak away before anyone would question her about her business there.

As if he had sensed her presence, or been able to smell her, he turned his head to the side to look over his shoulder. For one short second they locked eyes; cool dark gray against deep blue. His face barely shifted, yet she could see the dismay in his eyes as he saw her in her bloody uniform. He disliked filth, she remembered. It seemed to her an odd personality trait for a soldier since he must spend so much time around blood, grizzle and dirt. She turned from him, and fled off the wall and down onto the streets below.

Iris's braid flapped behind her as she hurtled to the ground. Hooking onto the wall to slow her fall, she elegantly swung in a wide semi-circle before landing on the street below with a soft thud. Groups of soldiers were lounging about, talking amongst each other, or celebrating all around her. Some had thrown their hands up, cheering and hooting and dancing around. Others held each other in silence, tears streaking their tired faces.

Few took notice of Iris as she crisscrossed between the groups of soldiers, looking for her fellow cadets from the 104th. She finally found Reiner in what she thought was called Heimrich square. He was sitting on the edge of the small fountain located at the centre of the square. Gathered around the square where pretty much what remained of the 104th regiment, bar a few people. Eren was not there, and neither was Armin or Mikasa. Eren had probably been taken into custody, but where were the other two? As she approached, Christa looked up, smiled at Iris as she nudged Ymir. The tall, older girl turned her gaze to Iris, and grinned.

"I'll be damned. We almost thought we'd seen the last of you," she jested. Iris tried to smile, but she knew the smile did not reach her eyes.

"Seems I'm harder to kill than any of you would have thought," she sighed. At the sound of her voice, Reiner's head snapped up.

_"Reiner, what happened to you...?"_

Without another word she went to him. His face expressed a jumble of emotions, and she noticed he had tiny crows feet wrinkles in the corners of his eyes. How had she never seen those before? She had thought she knew every line on his face, every wrinkle and imperfection. She wondered if he'd feared she was dead out there somewhere, and it saddened her that long or short, their lives would always revolve around these extremities - Life or death. Today it was her time to take him in her arms. She draped herself across his shoulders, digging one of her hands into his short, blonde hair, and pressed him forward against her. Sitting down, his head came up to just above her solar plexus, and he pressed his ear against her body as if to make sure he could still hear the life stirring within her. She felt his arms close around her hips, and he almost felt feverishly hot against her.

"Guys," she said loudly, trying to attract the attention of the others. "There's a soldier with the survey corps - He's short, black haired, scary eyed, and incredibly skilled. Do any of you know who he might be?" she asked no one in particular. Some feet away, Jean looked up at her. His uniform was filthy, his hair messy and his eyes were dull and tired.

"You just described humanity's strongest soldier, captain Levi," he replied irritably as if to imply she was stupid for not knowing that. Good thing he hadn't lost his sass out in Trost somewhere. She blinked impassively at him. Reiner straightened himself up, and he peered at her curiously.

"Why are you asking about him?" He sounded genuinely interested.

"I saw him out there on the battlefield and wondered who he was," she replied with honesty. She did not want to talk about how he had saved her life in front of the others, and she gave Reiner a look trying to convey thus to him. Perhaps he understood, or his curiosity had been sated, because he didn't ask her any more about it. Connie on the other hand turned her way.

"Did you see him fight? I hear no one can match his skill." Iris nodded.

"I saw him take down a 15 meter class titan in one single attack. He moves so quickly it's difficult to keep your eyes on him." she released Reiner from her grip. She felt very exposed in front of the others, and wished they could get some time alone. He resisted her withdrawal for a second, but then he let her go, perhaps sensing her unease.

Iris was about to divulge more details about the encounter between her and this captain Levi, when she heard quick, decisive footsteps approach behind her. She turned to see who had come, but mid-turn she felt an iron hand grip her wrist, hard. She was yanked around roughly, wobbling slightly on her feet. Face to face with Levi for the first time in years, she marvelled over how he hadn't aged a day. His cold gray eyes were fixed on hers, and his mouth was frozen in a stern grimace.

Without a single word he dragged her towards the edge of the square, out into one of the streets and around the corner. The alley they arrived in was narrow and glum in the late afternoon light. Not entirely ungently, he shoved her against the side of the building. Taking a look at her grimy, bloody uniform, he scowled and withdrew his hand as if her touch had burned him.

_"You,"_ he said, staring at her through those impassive gray eyes, "what're _you _doing here?"

"Isn't that obvious? I'm a soldier, _sir_." She curled her lip at him disappointedly. So many years, so many lies.

"Tch, I knew that mewling cow was lying," he muttered darkly. Iris could only assume that the mewling cow he was referring to was her own mother.

"You're a liar too. _Levi,_" she fumed. Her hands coiled into fists. She had known deep inside that Luca Weiz, who was no one, had been a lie. But she was angry anyway.

"Politics," Levi blinked coolly, without a shred of guilt in his voice. "So this is how you repay me, brat? Ready to go die for the cause?"

"Yes," she grit her teeth. "You can hardly blame me. The one person I looked up to after my life fell apart is, as it happens, humanity's strongest soldier. Isn't that enough irony for you?" She could see the tiniest twitch of dismay on his face as he heard the nickname spoken. So he didn't much like that one. _"Good," _she thought, and made a mental note of it.

"I don't have time for this," he turned away.

"I'm joining the Survey Corps." She threw the words at him as if they were an accusation. He snorted.

"They survey corps is no place for spoiled brats. Did you think they'd want someone as useless and pathetic as you? You were wrong. Go home, little Iris." He walked away.

Speechless she followed behind him back to the square. Around them soldiers had begun to disperse in all different directions; they must have been dismissed for today. She wondered if the survey corps would be tasked with clearing out the rest of Trost. Her suspicion seemed to be confirmed when Levi, without as much as giving her a look, headed back towards the wall. Her wrist throbbed and ached where he had grabbed her, and she rubbed it while wondering why he'd been so angry with her.

"Iris," Reiner was suddenly by her side. She hadn't seen which way he'd come from and everyone else looked to have gone. "What did the shorty want?" When he saw her rubbing her wrist his face darkened. "Did he hurt you?"

"No, it's fine," she said, but she could feel that her wrist was going to bruise. His grip hadn't hurt half as much as his words had however. "He's the one who saved me five years ago." Reiner seemed unimpressed, scowling angrily.

"I don't care," he snapped, "I don't like him. Seems like everyone's putting their grubby hands on you today. Even Jean, the horse-faced bastard."

Despite everything that had happened today, Iris heard herself laugh, which earned her a confounded look from Reiner. Perhaps he too realised how ridiculous it all was too, because then he smiled sheepishly. The wrinkles at the corners of his eyes deepened with that smile, and in the light from the setting sun he looked worn and haggard. Iris herself remembered the look of disgust on Levi's face as he'd eyed her. At once she felt filthy in her bloody uniform, with scrapes and cuts on her legs, and strands of hair hanging in tousles where it had escaped her braid. And inside she felt like she was still in a state of acute awareness.

_"If Eren is a titan shifter, that means the colossus is likely also-" _No, she forced that thought away. She felt her head throbbing.

Reiner lead her back to HQ where they grabbed their food rations, and ate them in silence inside one of the common areas. The soldiers around them either seemed to cheer, or grieve for their fallen friends. Some squads seemed to have come through intact, while others had been wiped out completely. Hundreds of people were dead. Their bodies either littered the streets of Trost, or sloshed around inside the bellies of those titans still alive inside Trost. If you could define their state of existence as 'living', that is. All living things needed sustenance of some sort, even plants and bacteria, but the titans did not. Iris felt sick, but forced her food down anyway.

Reiner did not object when she suggested they would sneak off and rent a room at the inn near Heimrich square. Instead he grinned mischievously, grabbed her hand, and half dragged her with him upstairs to the dorms to change out of their gear, and into a clean set of clothing. Iris, who did not mean to return to HQ before the choosing ceremony packed her casual wear into her pack, along with a fresh uniform. The bloody, grimy one she threw in the trash. Washing blood out of cotton once it had soaked was near impossible. Shoving her leather straps and harness into her pack, she was glad no one else was around to ask her questions. Then she left the dorm room behind her.

They walked side by side down the street. Iris held his arm as they walked, and caught him stealing glances at her. She felt... happy? It was strange, but yes she felt happy despite everything. They passed a group of older garrison men who eyed them glumly as they brushed past.

"What?" she finally asked when Reiner's looks began to unnerve her. If he wanted to ask something he should just spit it out.

"I'm just wondering... why did you go back into Trost?" he asked her quietly. His backpack was slung across his shoulder, swaying slightly with every step he took.

"It's a soldier's duty," she mused. "It's about honor... and also I thought that if I could help us win here today, I'd have done something that mattered."

"It was reckless of you... Don't take this the wrong way but.. you're not a strong fighter." She could see him brace himself, expecting her anger, or perhaps her sarcasm. What he hadn't expected was her smile. "Huh, what are you grinning about?"

"If you can set aside your anger for Jean and his 'grubby hands'," she teased him with smug satisfaction as he blushed, "ask him what kind of a fighter I am."

"... Since when did you two become so chummy?" Reiner grumbled. She tickled his side, and felt her stomach stir as he jolted a little, and failed to suppress a small titter.

"Oh have no worries, Jean is no big fan of mine. He's very useful in a tight situation though. Pity he's joining the Military police... but after today I can't really blame him."

"No," Reiner agreed.

The innkeeper shot them some odd looks when they asked if he had any free rooms, perhaps because they only wanted _one _room. But by the way he asked no questions, Iris suspected they were not the first soldiers he'd received today.

Once upstairs Iris stretched, sighed and kicked her boots of carelessly. One flew in underneath the dresser in the room, and the other flipped up and hit her own knee. She imagined how her mother would have sighed, cheeks sagging slightly and nose wrinkled at such an unladylike display of behaviour. It was odd how different the world seemed in that environment - So many things mattered there that didn't seem to matter here. And vice versa.

She felt Reiner's arms close around her from behind, the sudden contact sending a shock though her body as she startled, but then she relaxed. She heard his breath close to her ear, and she felt warm air trickle down her neck. She shuddered slightly, and felt goosebumps form on her arms.

"Are you taking this off too?" he asked, and teased the hem of her shirt. The touch made her skin tingle where his hands had brushed against her.

"I was," she breathed, and felt her cheeks flush as he gripped, and pulled her shirt over her head. She raised her arms, and let she shirt slip off. Then she felt his warm hands against the skin on her stomach, brushing across the scars where a knife had pierced her from behind, all the way through her body. The scars sent a tingle of phantom pain through her, as if remembering the feeling of the blade inside, carving through her insides. Then Reiner kissed her neck, sending hot shivers down her spine.

"If Eren can shift into a titan," she mused thoughtfully, "do you think that means the colossal and the armored titans are human shifters as well?" He froze.

"Perhaps, but I really don't feel like thinking about that right now," he replied coarsely.

"No," she said and turned in his arms so she was facing him, "me neither."

She kissed him, and his mouth tasted sweet on hers. Without asking, she began unbuttoning that gray shirt he was wearing. Gray was such a dull colour on him, but it did bring out all the gorgeous shades of his eyes, she had to admit. He quietly watched her undo his shirt, and when she was done he shrugged it off, and threw it aside. Letting her left hand rest against his chest, right above his heart, she undid his leather belt with her right hand. She looked up at him, and saw him smile down at her wryly. She cocked one of her eyebrows, not with ease, and probably ended up looking rather silly because he laughed quietly.

"Is that your most seductive expression?" he grinned. She puckered her lips in feigned sullenness.

"It would seem I don't have a seductive expression at all. Must be my face," she muttered and undid the button on his trousers with deft fingers. Ungraceful she might be, and far from a sultry vixen, but she did have rather nimble hands.

"Oh I don't know about that," he breathed, and pulled her into another kiss. Warmth spread inside her body like tendrils of flame through her nervous system as their tongues connected. She undid her own trousers, feeling his hands tenderly brush her scars down to the small of her back. As they broke apart she twisted her face into a frown.

"Do you know what the biggest issue with trousers is?" she huffed. He gave a small shake of his head, eyes glowing and face slightly flushed. "There's no graceful way to get out of them," she concluded and stepped back to wrestle hers off. She heard him chuckle, and heard the rustle of fabric as he did the same.

"I don't know, you're pretty cute when you try to wiggle out of yours." She felt her face grow redder at his teasing, and of course she got her foot stuck inside the leg of her left trouser leg. Reeling, she ripped free and stood up, triumphantly holding her trousers in her hand. He laughed, and she tossed her trousers to the floor before pressing herself against him, nuzzling into the hollow of his throat. His smell was so familiar, yet she could not have described it if she tried. She felt one of his hands slide down, and brush over her firm buttock. His other hand slowly trailed back up across the scars on her back.

"How bad does it look? I've never seen them," she asked him, but dreaded the answer. Whilst he contemplated his reply, she felt him move his hand up to the clasp on her bra.

"It looks like it must have hurt like hell. But they're just scars," he murmured and warred against the hooks on her bra. She pressed her mouth against the skin on his shoulder, and let out a muffled giggle.

"Need some help?" She heard him grit his teeth in response.

"I've got it. How the hell can you open this with just your one hand behind your back?"

"Practice," she said and brought her own hand up behind her back, and moved his fingers to the little hooks. She felt him fiddle a little bit more, and then the bra came loose. She slipped out of it, and let it casually fall to the floor. He still looked worn as he gazed down on her, but there was more than tiredness in his eyes now. He leaned over slightly, kissing her hungrily. Even though she had grown several inches in the last few years, he still towered over her. His lips sent more tendrils of heat through her, and his skin too felt blazing hot to the touch. She grabbed on to one of his wrists, and moved his hand up so it cupped her breast. She heard him inhale sharply, and the sound sent a little jolt through her. His thumb brushed against her nipple, and she felt it stiffen almost painfully. Her head was swimming slightly as she moved, pulling him with her to the edge of the bed. Rather brusquely, she pushed him down onto it. As he lay there, a devilish grin spread on his face.

"So bossy," her muttered, sounding pleased.

"You keep saying that," she said as she climbed onto the bed, and onto him, "as if it's something I should feel ashamed of." She stared down at him, looking him boldly in the eye as she moved her hips, rubbing the warm, throbbing spot between her legs against him. She felt him stiffen under her, and felt herself grin as she leaned over him, nipping at his lower lip with her teeth. Her hand was on his chest, and she could feel his heart beating in there, strong and fast. His palms brushed over her breasts, evoking a swirling feeling inside of her chest. He pushed himself up, planting kisses against her collarbone while letting his hands slide along her sides. Down her ribs they went, over the roundness of her hips, giving her ass a firm squeeze.

"Tell me to stop," he mumbled against her skin as he placed his hands on her panties and began to slide them down.

"Don't stop," she replied, and he didn't. He pulled them down as far as he could, and then with surprising strength, he flipped them over so that she was underneath him. The motion was so smooth, it was as if she weighed nothing. Careful not to kick him, she managed to wiggle one of her legs free of her underwear. As he slid them off her completely, she suddenly felt shy before him. She had never pictured herself in this situation, not by her own free will at least. He seemed to pick up on her nervousness, and just slowly pried her legs apart so he could lean forward and kiss her gently.

"Tell me to stop," he said again and brushed her cheek with his hand. Her insiders were full of hot, smouldering coals. She felt his strong, hard thighs against the delicate skin on the inside of her softer legs. She looked into his sharp eyes, and said nothing. Her chest heaved with her elevated breathing. The corners of his mouth turned upwards, not quite a smile but almost. He kissed her again, deeper this time, and she let her fingers trail down over his hard stomach.

When his lips left hers, he did something she hadn't anticipated. His kissed her throat, her breastbone, down her stomach. Her eyes widened, and suddenly she felt confused and slightly afraid. She tensed, and he stopped moving. But she didn't tell him to stop. He wouldn't hurt her, she knew that much. Then, when she felt his tongue _down there_ she experienced a sensation she had never felt before. A feeling of perversity washed over her, like she was doing something that was very wrong. But it felt so good, she just wanted more. And when his tongue found a certain spot she felt like the nerve endings in her entire body were tingling, all at once. She gasped and jolted slightly. Her embarrassment faded somewhat, but remained like a quiet shadow in the room.

"_Don't stop,_" she breathed, and arched her back slightly as another jolt went through her. Slowly a sensation began to grow inside of her; a pleasurable, hot whirring. She moaned and wanted to ask for more, but all the words died in her throat. Instead, all that escaped her lips were little gasps and more moans. The sensation kept building and building until it finally culminated, and she cried out as her body twitched and writhed. She slammed her hand across her mouth to stifle her cry, and for a few moments she was riding on a kind of ecstasy she hadn't known existed. Even as it died down, her insides were throbbing.

With a grin that way beyond smug, Reiner crawled back up, peering at her curiously. She felt her eyes were wide and staring.

"Where the fuck did you learn to do that?" she sounded just as incredulous as she felt. His smile became sheepish.

"I heard some of the soldiers talking. It sounded like a good idea... I like it when you curse."

She couldn't hold back her shrill, half dazed laughter then. Her arms were trembling, and she felt weak and feeble as she locked her arms behind his neck and pulled him down closer to her. Kissing him, she tasted something else than before, and a second later she realised it was herself she tasted. It reminded her of morning dew on grass and leaves. The feeling of perversity returned, but this time she found it exciting. She nipped at his lip, his jaw, his neck. Alternating between soft kisses and nibbling teeth against the skin where his neck met his shoulder, she could hear his breath quicken. His hand came up and touched her breast, cupped it and rolled her nipple between his fingers. She felt a long, warm tug in the area around her navel.

Iris moved her hand, and not really knowing what to expect, she brushed it against his crotch. Feeling his hard cock against the palm of her hand felt strangely natural, she thought. The rest of his body stiffened at the touch, and for a moment he ceased to breathe. As she started to ease his boxers off, she wondered if he was nervous. They locked eyes, but she couldn't see any nervousness. She smiled and tugged his underwear as far down as she could reach, letting him do the rest. He drew back and had to stand for a second to get out of his boxers. She pinched her knees together, and eyed him curiously. She had never really seen a man naked and erect before. The moment Reiner saw her staring, he looked unsure, almost shy. But she beckoned him back to her, and he obeyed. She opened her thighs, and allowed him to slide back down between them.

He looked as if he was about to say something then, but she shook her head and silenced him with a deep kiss. She felt him rub against the side of her thigh, so she used her hand and guided him down to the wetness between her legs. As he slowly pushed inside of her, there was a moment of fear that she'd feel pain. But the sensation that came to her was something completely different. This felt good in a different way than what she'd felt earlier when he'd used his tongue. She sighed, and this seemed to make him think he'd hurt her, because he became still, and his worried eyes found hers. She put her head up, kissed him, and began to move under him. Slowly, he began pushing back. And when she moaned indulgently he began to thrust deeper in her. She closed her eyes, and let her body move with his. She could tell he was getting closer when he stopped again, bracing himself against her moving hips.

"M-maybe I shouldn't," he began.

_"That's right," _she thought, _"he doesn't know."_

Again, she silenced him with a kiss while she wrapped her legs around him. Then, she began to move under him again, and she felt him resisting. She insisted though, and slowly she felt him give in. His breathing was shallow and rapid, and they were both sweating profusely. She felt a trickle of sweat run down her thigh as he thrust three times, deep into her. Then he gasped, and his entire body shuddered as he climaxed.

He looked at her for a few moments, his expression unreadable. Then he pulled back and out of her, before lying down on his side. Iris weaselled closer to him, and he placed his arm under her neck so that her sweaty forehead came to rest against the hollow of his throat. She wrapped her left arm around him, feeling his smooth warm skin against hers.

"I shouldn't have done that," he muttered regretfully. Iris chewed her lip uneasily.

"It's alright," she chewed her lip furiously, and tasted blood in her mouth. "I'm- I mean I can't... bear children." she finished, her mouth dry as a desert.

"How do you know?" he asked after a few moments of silence. The question was asked curiously, without a single hint of revulsion. She was so relieved she actually felt tears form in her eyes.

"Internal damage, they said." she mumbled. He stroked her hair gently.

"Does that upset you?"

She thought about it.

"No," she said, "it doesn't really make me feel anything. It is what it is."

He hugged her closer.

She awoke in the middle of the night. At first she wasn't sure what had woken her up, but then Reiner stirred. They'd left one of the lamps burning, and in its muted light she could see his face contort as if he was in pain. He looked incredibly sad, tossing and turning, but he didn't wake up. She stroked his hair, whispering gentle words that seemed to soothe him a little; so she kept doing it until his face finally relaxed.

_"I wonder what he sees in his nightmares," _she thought, and laid back down as close to him as she could get.


	10. 9

**Wall Rose Year 850 - Trost District:**

Iris walked slowly on wobbly legs. The damned sun cast long, dark shadows around the corners of the buildings surrounding her, and her hair felt so hot it was burning against her scalp. The sweet, heavy smell of putrefaction wafted down the streets, carried by the light breeze. Her stomach twisted and churned; bile kept rising up her throat and she was forcing it back down again. Flies kept buzzing, but the songbirds were strangely quiet.

The first body she had touched had shocked her with its icy cold. The death stiffness was still in it, and the stench of dead body fluids and rotting flesh had been overwhelming. She had quickly turned the other way and wretched. Her breakfast had been even more unappetizing coming back up, than it had been when she had forced it down. She had gagged and heaved a second time when placing the first dead soldier onto the corpse wagon where the bodies were piled high. The heat was causing the dead to decompose rapidly, and some had already begun to lose their stiffness; making them oddly soggy to touch, and turning their skin parchment yellow once their blood had pooled around the areas where the body had been resting against the ground.

And the crows, god the horrible, huge crows that crowded around the dead, cawing and squabbling over who'd get to eat the eyes and poke into the tears of flesh and gore that titans teeth had left. When she watched a massive black crow turn to her with a blue eye dangling from it's beak, she had thought it couldn't get any worse. Then the crow had stared at her with cold black eyes, dropped the eye onto the stone by it's feet, and pecked at it. Soft, jellylike substance spilled out as the crow put its feet on the eye, pressing down. That's when Iris threw up a third time, tasting only bile in her mouth this time.

She hobbled down a side street, miserable and ashamed of the state she was in. Surely this was hell. She had earned her place here when she had watched fellow soldiers fall prey to their enemies, and had done nothing to help them. When she closed her eyes, she saw limbs being torn from screaming comrades, she saw eyes fill with dread once they realised what was about to happen to them, she saw intestines spill and dangle from torn bodies. But god help her, she would have done the same thing all over again.

She had heard some soldiers refer to the battle as 'hell on earth', but they were wrong. This stinking wasteland, with its hollow eyed people dragging bodies behind them, and its bestial crows fighting for the carrion; this was her own personal hell. When she shut her eyes, the dead were waiting behind her closed lids; eyeless, with their mouths agape like huge black holes, spewing out an endless storm of accusations. And now on top of it all she was shaming the 104th, and the uniform she bore by skulking around the outer perimeter, feeling like she had breathed in enough putrid stench to have begun to rot away inside. She could almost feel the maggots crawling within, eating their way through her intestines.

While steadying herself against the building beside her, she crept around a corner and found herself in a residential area of Trost. The street here was a little wider than the one she had come from, but the air felt a little less sick here. She peered to her right, realising this street had been cleared to some extent already. Three soldiers were carting off a load of bodies; an arm was poking over the side of the cart, still stiff from death, and it's fingers seemed to tap out some dissonant tune as the wagon rattled across the pavestones. She saw another two people standing beside someone's corpse some thirty yards away, and though he had his back to her, she recognized Jean right away. The woman he was with scribbled something in her notes, then she left. Jean however stood motionless; his slumped shoulders and downcast eyes sent waves of dread through Iris. She did not want to see who was on the ground, but her treacherous feet moved on their own. Closer and closer they took her. When she tried to close her eyes to this horrid reality, her muscles would not obey. The last step placed her at Jean's side, and her unblinking eyes glued themselves to the shape on the ground.

_"Marco?... What are you doing here?" _she thought as an image that could never be unseen burned itself into her mind. _"How long have you been here? We've been working all day without you, and you've just been here all along, slacking off... Get up, it's afternoon already."_

The smell was back. They must have missed a body somewhere close, and it was stinking up the whole area. _"Get up, we don't have time for this. Jean's so upset with you he doesn't know what to say," _she swallowed, hard. Marco didn't look quite right.

_"Hey Marco... where did you put the rest of your face?"_

Iris closed her eyes, and could swear she felt a cold breath down her neck. As if someone was standing there behind her, and if she could just turn her head quickly enough she might catch a glimpse of them out of the corner of her eye. What is the thing that hides just outside your peripheral view? _"Move damn it! When you're still like that you remind me of the dead... Please, don't be dead."_

_"Who's going to take care of Jean if you're not here?"_

She thought then that it was the cold breath of death she had felt against her neck. Jean stood silent beside her, looking at Marco. Though she supposed it wasn't really Marco anymore.

"Jean, we should move him" she heard herself say.

"Not now Iris. Leave me alone." His arms hung limp by his sides. The titan had taken a huge bite out of Marco, taking half his face and the right side of his torso with it. Jean kept staring as if he couldn't quite believe his eyes. Perhaps he was still hoping to awaken in his bed, cold and sweaty from this nightmare.

"They'll come back, with the wagon," she insisted. "Don't you think he'd want to be handled by those who cared for him?" Upon hearing those words Jean looked at her spitefully as his face twisted into a venomous grimace.

"He is dead, he doesn't want _anything_ anymore." The devastation in his voice made her chest ache. "That thing on the ground isn't him, it's just an empty husk. He is gone." He swung around to his friend's body, and looked like he wanted to kick him, and curse him for being dead.

"This is what remains of him. I think even those remains have deserved to be treated better than-"

"Don't you fucking dare say that, asshole. He _deserves _to be alive, not rotting away in the streets! What was he to you anyway?! Don't stand there and pretend like you knew him, you don't know a thing about what he would have wanted or what he deserves!" His voice had risen with every word. His scream upset a flock of crows nearby who took to the air.

_"A flock of crows is called a 'murder',"_ Iris thought, and felt like she wanted to wretch again.

Jean slammed his teeth together, gritting them so hard it must have hurt. Then he turned on his heel and stomped away from her with his back turned. After a few yards he stopped abruptly.

"What are you waiting for? Let's go get a stretcher before they return," he said bitterly.

She hurried after Jean, and they fetched a stretcher together. They returned to Marco's body, and bent over to move him. The ripe smell from his body made Iris's eyes water, and again she had to force the bile back down her throat. Even worse though was how he'd been one of the warmest people she had ever known, yet now he felt stiff and icy cold in her hands... But worst of all was seeing Jean struggle to keep his composure.

As they carried Marco back towards the warehouse where the bodies were being prepared for the funeral pyres, Jean began to weep silent tears. He tried to hide them from her by turning his face away; an attempt so pitiful Iris felt as if someone had stabbed a knife in her heart, twisting it slowly. It was so miserable, all of it. The stink from the body of a dear friend, the devastated buildings around them and Jean, trying to cry silently. She tasted salt in her mouth, and realised her own tears were falling. Like a broken record she kept repeating the same question over and over in her mind: _"Who's going to be there for him now Marco, did you think of that before you went off into your grave?"_

They placed him on the stone floor along one of the rows of dead bodies inside the massive warehouse. Jean slumped down beside his friend, and she noticed him trying to hide his shaking hands from her view. His body language told her 'go away', so she went and fetched water and a cloth so she could clean Marco's face a little bit. When she returned Jean had wiped his tears. He looked up at her, saw what she had brought and extended his hand, motioning for the piece of cloth. She watched silently as he wiped dirt and bloodstains from Marco's face. He had stopped crying, but he looked more devastated than ever.

Iris felt a tightness in her chest that seemed to squeeze the air out of her lungs. It hurt, seeing him put on this brave face, trying to hold himself together even though his insides must be in turmoil. Marco had been Jean's bridge to other people; he never knew how to control his tongue and it created a rift between him and most people. Now that his bridge had collapsed, he'd be lonely. The thought was so sad, she started crying again. Jean finally let the cloth plop back into the water inside the bucket, and covered his face with his hand. Then he just sat there for the longest time, quiet and still as a statue.

"I can't believe it," he finally said. His voice was rough and choked. "I can't believe that out of all the fucking people who saw him lying out there, the only one who seems to give a single shit that he is dead is you... _You._" She could see he was looking at her, but through her tears his face seemed blurry and expressionless. His words were spiteful, but she thought he was just sad, not knowing what to do with himself.

_"They were just doing their duty, putting aside their feelings, and doing what needed to be done," _were the words on her lips, but she knew he'd not want to hear them. So she said nothing.

"I should never have become a soldier," Jean muttered after another minute of silence. "Why are you crying?!" he added, sounding irritable.

"Because I'm sat here with some sad, stupid idiot!" she spat back at him.

"Hah," he huffed, "I guess I am... Just, don't tell Eren." He took his hand from his face and closed it into a fist before staring at it intently. Iris sniffled.

"So, you think they will let him live then?"

"They have to... You saw what he is capable of. We need that suicidal bastard."

"I think you're right," she agreed quietly, and wiped her face with her sleeve. Only after she had done it did she remember what her sleeves were covered in. She gagged, and clasped her hand to her mouth to try keep the bile down. Jean looked to her, and wrinkled his nose.

"Disgusting..." he muttered, dipped the rag he'd used to clean Marco with in the water bucket and handed it to her. "Trust me, this won't make it any worse."

She wiped her face off. If she was to be covered in blood and grime anyway it almost felt comforting to know it was Marco's blood and grime. For the shortest moment she reflected on how she had never considered that becoming a soldier might include being covered in someone's body fluids and stinking like a corpse. She had been ignorant, and spoiled, just like Shadis had said to her on the first day.

"What I said... It does matter what Marco would have wanted. To me at least," Jean mumbled reluctantly. He looked at Marco, and his eyes saddened again. "He would have wanted to live though."

"Yes, he would," she murmured as her vision blurred and her eyes spilled over. The red-hot knife in her chest twisted slowly.

"How many more must I see to their graves before it is my turn?" he mused mournfully.

"All of them most likely. Either before you die yourself, or you'll have to watch them from beyond." Iris pulled her shirt up and used the inside of it to wipe her tears this time. "_They_ already took the world from us, and now the 100 years of peace are over. That's why Marco is dead."

Jean shuddered. "Remind me to never come to you if I need a pep-talk. That was truly depressing." He climbed to his feet. "Come on," he urged, giving Marco's body one last look. Then he turned, and walked out the door and into the sunlight.

It was late afternoon, and Iris was sitting on the edge of Rose with her legs dangling, overlooking Trost. The sun still felt hot against her skin, but come dark the air would be cool. She tapped her heels against the smooth surface of Rose, in the same dissonant tune that the hand protruding from the corpse wagon seemed to have been playing. A dead man's waltz. At least she thought it had been a man's hand. Would she look like a corpse, swirling on the dance floor, if she tried to dance to this tune? What would a dancing corpse even look like?

She had returned to the room she was renting earlier, and found it empty. She showered, scrubbing herself furiously but feeling just as dirty after the shower as she had before. Even though she knew her hair was clean, she would have sworn it smelled of putrefaction. She had washed out her mouth as well. All the heaving she had done today had left her throat sore, and her voice had a raspy quality to it now.

Iris had been so deep in thought, she hadn't heard his approach. She felt her hair being brushed away from her left shoulder with a gentle hand, and then strong but gentle arms wrapped around her from behind. A warm breath trickled down her neck. She hadn't seen him since this morning, but how with the day had progressed she was actually grateful he hadn't been around.

"Come away from the edge," he whispered and pulled her backwards until the edge was a couple of feet away from her. He let her go, but sat down next to her. "I've looked everywhere for you," he stated, sounding oddly cheerful. She knew he was good at compartmentalising, but after the day they'd all had it was difficult picturing anyone feeling the least bit cheerful. She lowered her head, staring at her hands in her lap. The cuts on them she had gotten during the battle had begun to heal slightly, but a few of the scabs had come off during the day. She felt his hand on her back, warm and comforting.

"Iris, what's wrong?" he asked, his cheerfulness gone in an instant. She looked up at his face, and thought again of how painfully handsome he was with his strong, broad features. Sometimes she thought he looked slightly foreign, because of his bone structure. Maybe he was bred from some old warrior race that met its doom outside the walls? Before him, she had only ever looked at pretty boys with appreciation, and barely even that. Reiner was not a pretty boy, but she had always thought he had an earnest face. Lately he hadn't been sleeping well, and the dark circles under his eyes were a telling sign. Those crow feet wrinkles seemed to deepen by the day.

"Hold me," was all she managed to say. With a confused and slightly troubled look, he grabbed her, and with her help, he pulled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her like a protective suit of armour. She leaned her ear against his chest, and heard his heart beating within. She loved that sound, because it filled her with a sense of calm. But right now, not even that sound could take away the pain she felt in her chest. She wasn't even sure what she was most sorry for, she was just so god damned sorry for _everything_.

"Marco is dead," she said, finding it difficult to force her numb lips to form the words. "Jean and I found him." More of those damned tears rolled out of her eyes and down her cheeks. She had always hated crying because it made her feel weak and small. She could have sworn Reiner held his breath for a few moments upon hearing her words. He must be as saddened by Marco's death as she was.

"I'm sorry," he held her closer, and she felt his chin against the top of her head. "I'm so sorry," he repeated, and his voice was rough and hard.

"I thought this life was all going to be about glory and saving humanity... but it's only getting harder and harder to live with myself," he said. Iris swatted away a tear from her eye, misliking the sadness in his voice.

"Everything comes at a price," she said reluctantly. "It can never be done unless we're willing to make sacrifices." The words seemed to upset him.

"Just how much will I have to sacrifice before it is done?" he asked, but she could tell the question wasn't really directed at her. He'd already sacrificed his home, she knew. His mother was gone too, and now their friends had begun to die as well. No matter what she said, her words only seemed to serve to upset the people she wanted to comfort. Christa would have had softer words to offer them, she thought.

"Jean said pretty much the same thing," she admitted, and Reiner 'tsk'ed. She ignored him and continued: "He asked how many friends he would have to see to their graves... I told him 'all of them', unless we can figure out a way to fight for our existence." She raised one of her hands to Reiner's face, and let her fingers trail along his jaw. There was a hint of stubble there, coarse against her fingertips. She put her head back so she could look up at him. His eyes were just as sad as Jean's had been. Her chest tightened; the knife twisted and turned.

"You know," she said, "my first impression of you was that you were an idiot." Reiner's eyes widened with surprise. "You stood there, tall and imposing, and then you said something completely ridiculous. You said you were here to save humanity. I thought you were a fool then, but perhaps that's what it takes; a brave, noble fool." She said tenderly and smiled at him, hoping he would smile back, crack a joke and make everything feel better. Instead his mouth hardened.

"It was easy for me to say back when I thought I had nothing to lose." She blinked, feeling pretty sure of what he was implying.

"What changed?"

"I think you know what changed," he said, his hazel eyes staring at her intently; stormy eyes that were full of pain, tenderness and something she thought might be rage.

_"What did those eyes see to make you so conflicted?" _she thought, but instead she said: "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere." Instead of reassuring him, her words caused his face to contort in a pained expression.

"No, that's right," he said, "you're not going to go anywhere." She had never heard him sound so sad before. That tone in his voice made her feel as if she had been dropped into icy cold water. She opened her mouth, closed it, opened it again, like a fish on land, struggling for breath. He slouched, and hid his face in her hair. She heard him breathe in her smell, and felt the slightly cold draft against her neck as he drew the air into his lungs. She had a ridiculous thought; that he was trying to memorize what she smelled like. Like she would soon turn into a memory that he wanted to keep alive... It was a stupid thought, she told herself, _stupid_. Yet she felt her body go rigid as icy waters sloshed around in her belly.

"You're tired, right? And sad about our friends dying, sad hearing Marco's dead... right?" She could hear the fear in her own voice. He probably heard it too.

"Yes, that and more. I wish things were different... I'd show you the world then; all those places you want to see and learn about."

"We will change the way things are," she said resolutely, "we _will_ retake Maria, and escape these walls. You can visit your home again, just like you always wanted. I'll go with you." That got his attention. His eyes searched her face, as if he was looking to se if she was joking or not. Iris thought he looked hopeful, as if she had revealed something wonderful to him just now. Surely this had been nothing new, he'd known about her ambition for a long time now, and she had known for years that he wished to return home. Perhaps the stress was getting to Reiner... he did look rather haggard, and those wrinkles on his face belonged to a much older person than the teenage boy he still was. She tended to forget his age quite often, because he acted and looked much older than his years.

... Or perhaps the stress was getting to her, and this entire conversation made perfect sense even though she couldn't see it?

"You would go with me?" he sounded as if this was a brand new, amazing possibility. Had he really thought she wouldn't want to see the place that meant so much to him? She wondered if all men were this clueless, or if he was just a rare breed.

"I thought you were supposed to be the clever one of us," she complained, "of course I would go with you." She paused, took a deep breath and looked down at her hands, suddenly feeling slightly shy when she added: "Anywhere you go, I want to go too."

His whole face lit up as he finally smiled. Then he surprised her by laughing, and despite everything she felt a warmth in her chest. He had a deep, booming laughter that seemed to have the power to make all her burdens feel a bit lighter. He hugged her close, brought his hand up to her chin, and turned her face up toward his. As he leaned in to kiss her, she stopped him.

"I should tell you I've lost count of how many times I've thrown up today. I mean I've washed up and everything, but there really has been a lot of gagging."

"Gross," he smiled, and kissed her anyway. His lips were warm and soft. They broke apart, and he pushed her hair back from her face, fastening it behind one of her ears.

"I'll show you my home one day," he smiled.

"Great, I've always wanted to know where all the idiots came from," she joked. It was odd how quickly he could make her mood shift, almost as quickly as his own moods shifted. She half envied him for it, half worried over it.

"You wound me m'lady. I at least hoped to be a very special kind of idiot." Iris cringed every time he called her "m'lady", which he seemed to find amusing. She wriggled free and climbed to her feet awkwardly.

_"I'm lucky he's obviously half blind as well as an idiot," _she thought, and wished she could be more elegant. "Yes, the kind that would be more attractive if he learned how to keep his mouth shut," she jokingly mocked him. When Reiner grinned in response, his smile had an impish quality to it.

"I thought you were rather fond of my mouth..." Iris gaped at him, feeling the heat rise on her face as her mind conjured up some rather perverse imagery. She heard herself squeak, and threw her hands up to cover her mouth. Looking incredibly pleased with himself, Reiner stood. It didn't help her own feeling of awkwardness one bit that he moved like a cat either. He chuckled.

"Those must be some truly dirty thoughts you're having, because I've never seen anyone blush like that before," he teased. Iris felt the hysterical giggle rise in her throat, and she tried to force it back down, but instead it came spilling out. She smothered the worst of it with her hands, while Reiner looked on, grinning wickedly. "You're such an odd mix Iris. One moment you're climbing onto me, tearing at my clothing, and the next you're blushing at a rather harmless comment like some prude."

"Well," she muttered, cheeks still burning hot, "where I come from a woman should know certain things. But they're not things it's befitting to talk about." That seemed to intrigue him.

"You'll have to tell me more about it sometime. We should head to the ceremonial grounds."

There and then, reality came again and reared its ugly head. For the shortest time she had forgotten all about titans, the dead and the bleak future ahead of them. But now it all came flooding back, like it had to. No one could hide from reality for long. She sighed heavily.

"I suppose... Gee, I wish you were a horse." Reiner shot her a queer look.

"I really hope you're not confessing to some rather odd preferences here..." he said with mischief in his voice. Iris felt her cheeks redden again, and punched his shoulder half heartedly.

"_No_, my feet are sore from walking all day. God, show some decorum. Pervert!" she scolded him half seriously. He did not seem the least bit corrected by her scolding.

"Decorum," he said and placed his palm across his face. "Iris, no one uses words like that. Sometimes it's almost like you've climbed out of some musty old romance novel."

"Well maybe I have," she sulked. "Besides, you seem oddly intrigued by it, what does that say about you?" He shrugged at her question.

"That I'm just some bastard who got lucky... Anyway, I don't need to be a horse for you to ride me." Iris opened her mouth to give him a snappy reply, even though she kind of liked him talking like this. It was a vast improvement from his saddened earlier self. He silenced her though by crouching and motioning for her to climb onto his back. "Climb on m'lady, I'll be your noble destrier and carry you to the lift."

She couldn't help but smile as he lifted her up. His steps rocked her softly, and she had her arms swung around his neck, her head leaned lightly against his as he walked. His hair smelled earthy and familiar. Her pillows where he had slept smelled like that too. A feeling of deep gratitude washed over her like a tidal wave. In her mind Iris had never pictured herself feeling this sort of closeness to a boy; men, cold and harsh, used to frighten her. She had never thought she would feel lust either. Now she had both. But the world was a dangerous place, and everything good and right in the world could be lost so easily.

_"I'll be your soldier, always fighting by your side," _she thought, smiled, and closed her eyes for a moment. She wanted to remember how this felt, long after they had gone from here.

"Have you told Bertholdt about... you know?" she mumbled softly, her eyes still closed. The sun was coming down, but the breeze still felt warm, and up here the air didn't smell of death.

"He's joining too."

"Really?" Iris felt both surprised and confused by this revelation. It seemed very unlike him, even if he almost always went along with whatever Reiner chose to do. "Have you ever considered he might like you a bit more than in just a friendly way?" she bit her lip. It didn't seem quite right to her, but neither did Hoover's over-attachment to Reiner. He just laughed at her suggestion.

"Bertl wants me to lead him so he will feel less responsible for his actions. It's nothing like what you're thinking of. He also seems to think I need a backseat driver to keep me going in the right direction." There was a slightly harsh edge to his voice, and Iris felt her face twist into a frown as she tried to decipher his sentence.

"What does 'backseat driver' mean?"

"Oh," he stiffened a little under her, "it's like... when the passenger keeps trying to tell the carriage driver which turns to take, even though the driver knows the way."

"I've never heard someone use that expression before... And you claim I use strange expressions."

"You do." She could hear by his inflection that he was smiling, even though his face was turned away from hers as he gazed upon Trost and the world beyond it.

They reached the lift, and Iris slipped back onto the ground. They beckoned the man operating the levers, and the lift started lowering them toward the ground below. Creaking and swaying it crept downwards, and Iris reflected on how amazing it was that the survey corps horses were actually trained to ride the lifts if need be. Even she felt a bit uneasy, hovering this far above the ground, and horses were not really brave creatures by nature. Neither were they made to fly. Finally the lift came to a stop atop the pavestones, and they stepped out. Reiner motioned for her to climb back on, and shot down her protests by claiming she was so light he could carry her for a day without tiring.

_"He's a half blind idiot and a liar" _she thought fondly, as they made their way through the streets. A lot of the people who had evacuated refused to return there and had either turned to seek their fortune further within wall Rose, others were camping outside of the town inside the gate. Huge camps, with hundreds of white tents seemed to have sprouted from the ground, and the streets were crawling with merchants, orphans and the homeless. Most people did not seem to notice them plodding along, but others stared. Some looked friendly, mostly women and the elderly, while many men, soldiers and civilians alike, looked scornful or mocking. The orphans just looked hungry, she thought sadly, and tried to look straight through the people around them.

They arrived in time to aid in carrying the bodies to the pyres. Iris felt herself pale just at the thought of going back into that stinking warehouse. By now a lot of the bodies within would have gone soft and doughy, rotting away within. But it was her duty, no matter how she felt about it. Thankfully she had not eaten anything all day, so there was nothing hew to throw back up. She saw someone had already carried away Marco's body as she and Reiner made it inside. During what felt like half an eternity they lifted bodies onto stretchers and carried them outside where other soldiers took them and placed them onto the pyres.

Once they were lit, what remained of the 104th gathered around the pyre that would be Marco's final rest. Iris wished they could have collected the dead sooner than two days after the catastrophe. There was something so undignified in the stink that enveloped the world around them as the half rotten bodies of hundreds of soldiers burned. Solemnly her friends stared into the flames, each of them contemplating their circumstances and resolve, no doubt.

Connie merely sat with his head in his hands, for once at a loss for words and smiles. Bertholdt had taken his place at Reiner's side, tall and with a secluded look on his face. She thought of what Reiner had said; that Bertholdt wanted him to decide things so he'd feel less responsible himseld. She wondered what he had meant by that, yet she hadn't thought to ask back then. Did Bertl want to be a follower? He'd implied as much himself, but what Reiner had said after that seemed to contradict that; _"He also seems to think I need a backseat driver to keep me going in the right direction". _To her that didn't really sound like something a follower would do, unless Bertholdt was following someone else's will than Reiner's. People were so difficult to understand, she thought, and left it at that. Ymir and Christa stood a bit away from the others, and in the light from the fires it looked to Iris like the tears in Christa's eyes were ablaze; living flame creeping down her cheeks. Ymir looked unaffected by what was happening. She locked eyes with Iris for a moment, and Iris wondered what the girl had lived through to have become so... stoic?

Instead she went to Jean's side. He was on one knee in the dirt, closest to the fire by far. His face still had that composed, stale expression she'd seen him don earlier, and he was obviously deep in thought. She hesitated for a moment, feeling that old reluctance to touch other people, as if her body was afraid it would bring on pain; but then she placed a hand on Jean's shoulder. He flinched, obviously having been too focused on what he was thinking to notice her approach. He had been looking at his own hand, but instead of it being clenched into a fist, she saw he was holding dirt and ashes in his palm.

"Oh, it's you... I know what I have to do now," he stared at her through eyes deep as the abyss. Then he stood up. He blinked, and his face took on an expression she thought she recognised. He'd looked like that when they had been on the battlefield together. She smiled, and let go of him. He inclined his head slightly to her, and then strode towards the others.

"Hey, you guys... Have you decided which branch of the military you're gonna apply to? I have." He looked as if he couldn't quite fathom his own intentions, but the words kept spilling from his mouth anyway. "I'm..." his right hand, the hand that had held the ashes of their comrades, coiled into a fist, shaking. He tried to steady it with his left, but it only served to make his whole body quiver instead.

"I'm joining the survey corps," he said, with an expression like he wanted to kick himself.

Iris stared into the flames, glad that he had decided to keep fighting, but saddened as well. Because it had taken the death of his closest friend to steer him onto this path. She thought of what he had said to her; that it still mattered to him what Marco would have wanted, and Marco would have wanted to live.

_"If there is such a thing as a god, and it made a world like this one, I hope we never meet." _she thought as the smoke pillared towards the skies above.


	11. 10

**Wall Rose Year 850 - Survey corps headquarters:**

Iris awoke to darkness. Confused at the disturbance she moved, and realised she was alone. His side of the bed felt cool underneath her searching hand. She felt a slight tug somewhere deep inside her stomach as her fingertips trailed over the sheets where he'd lain only hours ago as she fell asleep. The mattress felt too wide without him there next to her, and the room felt too large.

_"My body sensed he had gone and woke me up," _she thought. _"Where would he have gone at this hour? It must be past midnight by now." _She climbed out of her bed, wrapping her blanket around her naked body as she stood. Three long strides brought her to the small window, and she peered through it out into the night.

Iris thought of another night a few weeks ago when she'd awakened and found him gone. She had had a dream in which she had been walking with Reiner along a riverbank in a strange, depressing looking city. She'd been wearing a dress, and Reiner had worn a uniform, but not the uniform of their military forces. It had been a muddy green colour, it's fabric rough. And he'd had a wooden rifle on his back. Huge lizards with wide mouths full of razor sharp teeth had been swimming in the river waters, looking at them as they strolled by. She had heard gunfire, and turned to look that way. Then she'd heard a menacing hissing, and when her head turned back around, Reiner's head was the head of a snake. Its uncanny eyes had stared into hers before its neck snapped forward, sinking it's long curved teeth into her face.

Her own screams had awakened her, and just as it was now, the spot next to her where he slept had been cold and empty.

Iris had gone back to sleep after some time, thinking Reiner was out on one of his midnight walks. She did not know what kept him awake; when she asked he would smile and either mention something silly, or tell her it was nothing. The fact he said it was 'nothing' was what had her stomach in knots. 'Nothing' surely meant something was going on, but that this something was a 'something' he could not talk to her about.

At midday on the following day, all military personnel had been summoned for inspection. Their combat gear had been scrutinized, and they had been asked when last it had been in use. The reason for the inquiry was that the two titans captured inside Trost by the survey corps had been slain during the night.

Fidgeting, Iris had held her breath as the officers had inspected Reiner's equipment, afraid he would not pass the inspection. Then, almost as an afterthought, she had realised that if she worried he wouldn't pass, she was also ready to believe there was a possibility that he had slain the titans.

He had passed the inspection though, and for a few hours that had calmed her. She had been reassured of his innocence until she had pulled him aside later that day and asked him where he had gone during the night. He had given her a long, contemplating look before telling her he had just taken a walk to clear his head. So she had asked what kept him awake at night, and he had smiled and told her: _"It's nothing, just been a long week, you know." _\- If only she could believe that.

Misliking the memory, Iris blinked and tried to see if she could spy anyone walking about the dark castle grounds below, but she could not see anyone out there. With a sigh, she thought back on how the weeks that had followed after they had joined the survey corps had not progressed as expected.

On the first day, she had been lead into an office by a soldier. Finding herself inside _captain _Levi's study, she had stood at attention stiffly. The bare floorboards underneath her feet had creaked as she shifted her weight, and she had breathed in the smell of old books and herbal tea. Despite everything inside the room being old, the place had been spotlessly clean. In places like this the dust would have found its way everywhere, into fabrics and little crevices, in between the floorboards and the smallest cracks in the walls. Back inside her own tight sleeping quarters the sun glares through the window had revealed dust swirling through the air; but in his office even the air seemed cleaner. She had felt uncomfortably dirty all of a sudden.

"Sit down," she heard him say without as much as a look at her. Iris could have sworn she'd seen a cloud of dust puff out from her clothing as she'd sat down in one of the armchairs placed on the opposite side of his desk. To her dismay she'd seen little dust particles swirl through the air before her eyes as she looked towards the sun through the windows.

_"Our house must have looked like a pig sty to his eyes... no wonder he'd fuss about and wipe everything down before touching it. I just assumed he was a germophobe, but this is just anally retentive." _She had clasped her hands together in her lap, afraid to touch anything in case she would leave sticky fingerprints somewhere. She'd groaned slightly when she'd remembered there was mud on her boots as well. Levi had looked up, frowning. Then his eyes had trailed behind her, onto the floor where she had been standing. The smallest twitch of his mouth had let her know she'd left dirty footprints on his pristine floor.

"You've gone and gotten my floor dirty again. I hate mud," he'd commented with disdain.

"I know of an institute within Mitras where they could help you get over that," she had offered. If looks were daggers she would have fallen dead to the ground then and there.

"Get over that, _sir,_" he had replied icily.

"I'm a 'miss', I believe you're the 'sir'," she had shifted uncomfortably, regretting her jest as she squirmed under the scrutiny of his hard, gray eyes. "Sorry, sir."

"Your jokes are as unimpressive as your training scores," he'd commented dryly. "Have some tea." He had motioned to the extra cup on the desk in front of her.

"That's alright I don't really-" The look he'd given her made her swallow, hard. _"On second thought, I'll have some tea." _She'd taken the cup in her hands, imagining her fingers leaving smudgy, black prints all over the white porcelain.

"Try not to spill," he had said with a tone suggesting he did not hold much hope of her accomplishing such a task. She'd sipped the tea and almost grimaced, the taste was intensely bitter, like its maker.

"Let me guess, you hate stains too, sir?" she'd blinked a couple of times with what she hoped was a sheepish look on her face. Levi had closed his eyes, and she had imagined hearing him internally counting to ten. When he'd opened them again, not a single emotion could be read on his deadpan face.

"Don't play coy with me, brat. You figure yourself a soldier? Act accordingly. As long as you're under my command you'll obey and try not to be completely useless."

Iris had choked on her tea. Sputtering, she spilled her tea and saw some of it dribble onto the armrest of her chair. Levi's eye had twitched dangerously.

"Under your command, sir?" she'd asked, incredulous, putting her teacup down onto his desk before wiping frantically at the stained chair, only succeeding in spreading the brown stain that was now visible on the green fabric. Levi's lip had curled as he'd lifted her cup, wiping the stain underneath it with his handkerchief.

"Do you have a hearing problem?"

"No, captain. I'm just confused, why would you place me under your command... sir?" she'd fiddled, feeling her tea soaked shirt cling to her chest.

"Erwin ordered it, even though I told him someone without skill like you would only be in the way. You will do what I ask, without question. Got it?"

"Yes captain," she had replied numbly. Something had felt very off about the whole situation.

"Finish your tea," he'd ordered, and she had hurriedly picked up her cup. "Your mother would visit your grandmother sometimes when I came by. I wonder why, considering that she was dead at the time." It had been clear by his tone that he was not at all wondering why, but knew fully well. Iris had failed to suppress a little smile then, as she remembered the sight of her mum fleeing the house with her skirts swirling around her. Levi had looked unamused.

"What about your father's side, where are they?"

"They are dead too," she had told him. They had been dead her whole life. She still wondered why Levi had been asking her about them. The tea had left a slightly sour aftertaste on her tongue after each sip. _"Like drinking bitter sewer water..."_

"Tch, I know that. How did they die? What were their names?"

"I don't know. Why are you asking, sir?" she'd poured the last swallows of tea into her mouth.

"Don't you know," Levi had replied, scowling, "I'm a very curious person."

Iris had choked on her tea again, unable to suppress her tittering. A fine spray of tea had escaped her lips, soiling her trousers, staining the floor, and dotting the edges of the captain's desk. Levi's eyes had narrowed dangerously, and he'd shuffled his papers as far away from the mess as possible.

"Clean this up. Now."

"Yes, sir," she had scrambled to her feet, and hurried off to find a mop.

_"I'm being watched," _she thought as she stood by the window, gazing out into the silent night. Since arriving with the rest of the recruits, she had barely spent a single moment alone. The new recruits training sessions and studies in preparation for the coming expedition were always supervised by at least three of the senior officers in the corps. She ate in the canteen surrounded by hundreds of other survey corps soldiers. And the times everyone else had their standard duties assigned by their team leaders, she was "assisting" Levi. Most of the time this meant cleaning, sorting incoming mail, copying standardised letters by hand and serving tea. He often kept her working until past sunset, when she would head to her quarters having missed dinner time. Did the man even sleep at all? He never seemed ready to head off for the night when he dismissed her, and he was there every morning as she walked past his office, wearing yesterday's set of clothing.

_"What am I under suspicion of?"_

She had a feeling there was a bigger picture to all of this, and that commander Erwin was playing the long game with them all, but she understood none of it.

A sudden chill made her shiver, so she pulled the blanket tighter around her. The wooden floor underneath her feet felt cold and hard. The walls inside the room were naked apart from the tapestry above her bed, bearing the crest of the survey corps. Outside of her door was the long, dark hallway with its many doors, all leading into equally small sleeping quarters. Reiner's room was located maybe twenty yards down the hall, making it easy for them to sneak over to each other in the late evenings.

Breaking the rules, as it turns out, was rather exciting. They weren't alone in doing it though, judging by the rumors she'd heard. Despite being soldiers, most of those people here were only human. And considering how uncertain the future was for a soldier with the survey corps, some had adapted a philosophy of making sure they "seized the day" so to speak. Others were like Erwin and Levi (and some of the other ranking officers too) who seemed to live for their duty; offering up their hearts to serve humanity every moment of every bloody day.

Iris felt cold now, but only hours ago she'd been warm as she'd had Reiner's hot skin against hers. She had been waiting naked on her bed when he arrived; her legs crossed, reading a book about moths. He'd smiled at her, and mumbled a few well chosen curses under his breath before she told him to shut up and strip. With a smug grin he'd obeyed, and stripped down to his underwear, while she had put her book down and climbed to her feet. His hands were always warm, but when they were touching her they grew hot, leaving what felt like trails of fire on her skin. He'd kissed her mouth, her neck, her breasts, and the feeling of doing something _forbidden_ had made her tingle with excitement. She had rubbed against him, showering him with kisses and gentle love bites, and felt his cock stiffen underneath the fabric of his boxers.

He had looked surprised when she knelt, pulling his underwear down with her. As she put him in her mouth she couldn't see his face anymore without turning her heard in an awkward angle, but judging by his moans he'd stopped looking surprised by then. She'd only heard women describe how this was done, so she did not quite know what to expect; but they'd said to use her hands as well, so she did. At first his cock felt absurdly large in her mouth as she moved it up and down onto him, but she quickly grew more used to the sensation and it got easier to breathe. She knew to watch her teeth, but the women had said the real trick was to suck your cheeks in while you used your tongue, so she tried doing that. She heard him moan, and as he'd stroked her hair, moving his hips slightly in rhythm with her bobbing head, she'd known she was doing something right.

She'd sensed a slightly salty taste in her mouth, to her surprise. There was a tension in his body that she had learned to recognise quickly. His ragged breath, hard cock, rocking hips and strained groans told her he was close. Then she felt him grip her hair, not entirely gently, and she'd felt him push himself deep inside her mouth. She had tried to relax as he thrust, again and again, and she'd felt his whole body go rigid as he climaxed. She tasted something warm and extremely salty on her tongue. She'd been told it would be that way, but it's one thing to hear about how something will taste, and another thing to actually taste it. Feeling curious, she swallowed. One of the ladies who'd told her about how to do this had said she found it gross, the taste, but to Iris it only tasted like salt.

As if she'd burned him, Reiner had let go of her hair. He'd almost stumbled backwards, looking ashamed and regretful.

"Fuck, I-I'm so sorry I didn't meant to- I don't know what came over me, I shouldn't have grabbed you," he'd stuttered as she climbed to her feet. She'd wiped her mouth, and sensed something slightly sticky on the back of her hand. She had let a little grin play on her lips.

"I don't know," she said and tittered slightly, "I thought that felt pretty fucking dirty... _and exciting._" He'd looked at her, first with shock, then amazement, and finally he'd smiled and pulled her close. Then, with the taste of his seed still in her mouth, he'd kissed her.

That had felt pretty fucking dirty too.

She smiled at the memory, and the feeling of warmth from it mixed with the cold and uneasiness she felt right now. Hugging her arms around her body she looked out into the night, hoping to see him come walking, tall and magnificent in the feint light from the half-moon above.

The minutes slowly went by.

Down below, at the edge of the forest, some brushes stirred.

_"There he comes," _she thought. But it wasn't Reiner who came stepping out of the woods, but Bertholdt. Iris felt body stiffen, and even though she thought she should duck away from the window so he wouldn't see her, her feet wouldn't obey.

Bertholdt took a few steps forward onto the grass, and then turned to look behind him. A moment later, Reiner strode out of the woods and joined his friend. His complexion looked cold and hard, and it made her shiver. The cold in the room had crept inside her now, into her blood, her womb and her bones. Her wide eyes refused to blink as she watched them slowly start moving back towards the castle. As she saw Reiner's face turn towards her window she hurriedly stumbled backwards, hoping he hadn't seen her stand there, even though he should have.

She could not explain why, but she knew she had seen something she was not allowed to see. With her heart hammering inside her chest she crept back into bed and buried herself deep underneath her blanket. Hugging her knees she shivered as her body frantically tried to warm the cold mattress underneath her. It was by no strange coincidence Reiner and Bertl had found themselves sleepless, no. But what had they been out doing under the cover of darkness?

_"I love him," _she thought, and tried to blink away the burning sensation in her eyes. She bit her lip, and pretended to sleep as she waited for him. Had he seen her? _"He has been lying to me,"_ she thought, and it made her feel a dull ache inside. _"When will the men in my life stop lying to me?_

He entered the room a couple of minutes later, and undressed without a word. He did not go to any great lengths to be quiet about it though. Feeling as if someone had shoved an icy spear through her belly, she became certain that he'd seen her face in the window above. The damned lamp on the dresser would have illuminated her window enough for someone outside to notice if someone was standing inside, looking down on them. She stirred a little, which could be misconstrued as her waking up, in case he had not seen her. She had her back turned towards him, and was glad for it in case he'd be able to see the lie written across her face.

"Did I wake you?" he said quietly as he climbed into the bed and slid underneath the sheets. She dared not answer him, in case her voice would quiver. She felt him move his arm behind her, and with an icy surge in the pit of her stomach, her imagination spiralled. For one terrible moment she expected to feel his fingers wrapping around her throat.

But he slid his arm around her waist, and shuffled closer to her, nuzzling into her hair.

"Where did you go?" she whispered, and wondered if he knew the true weight behind her question. _"He should have seen me, and whatever it is I saw it was not meant for my eyes, I just know it."_ She felt Reiner draw in the scent of her hair, and he held her tightly against him.

"Only to the kitchens, I woke up thirsty." His voice was low and raspy. If he had seen her in the window, he knew that she knew he was lying to her. Was this him giving her a chance to call him out on his lie?

"Oh," she just said. _"What do I do? How can I help you if you're lying to me?"_

She grabbed the hand he had wrapped around her waist, and held it in hers as they lay there. She thought the bed smelled of linen, sweat, sex, and of him too. It was a good smell, she thought and wondered why she had reacted with so much fear only minutes ago. He would never hurt her.

_"Gods help me, I love him."_

She remembered a quote she had read a while back: "True love is selfless. It is prepared to sacrifice."


	12. 11

**The 57th Expedition outside the walls - Year 850**

Iris was tired. Despite it being early morning the heat had already come rolling down the mountains, making the air vibrate. Grasshoppers were singing, birds where chirping, some stallions were screaming at each other outside, probably trying to decide who was the most magnificent of them all.

"You sure pick some odd times to be smiling."

Jean's slightly sullen voice pulled her from her thoughts. Blinking, Iris realised the clouds she had been staring at were so shining white her eyes hurt. Yawning, she shifted her weight to her other leg and squirmed slightly as the leather straps around her shoulders dug into her skin. Whenever the weather was hot she'd start sweating. and with the sweat came the chafing. She wondered why some women never seemed to sweat, like Christa, whose hair never seemed tangle either. A fly buzzed past her, and she swatted at it lazily.

"I was just thinking of how much I hate this heat," she mused, still smiling slightly whilst leaning against the pitchfork in her hands. Since the captain was busy with all the secrecy concerning this expedition, Iris had been allowed to do stable duty for the first time since she'd joined the corps. Iris would not mind at all to be assigned to the team that bred, trained and managed the corps' horses.

"Tell me about it," he muttered, "I'm melting over here." He scooped up dirty straw with his pitch fork, and tossed it to the wheel barrel behind him. Jean did not like stable duty, or horses either for that matter. They were more an annoyance that he was going to have to get used to. Horses seemed to sense his apathy towards them, and responded with equal indifference, much to his annoyance. Iris had just assumed he'd be sulking during their work shift, and when Jean was sulking he wasn't much for talking; unless he was muttering to himself, of course.

"Wait, _you're _what smells so bad? Phew, I just assumed something had died," Iris teased and fanned the air with her hand.

"Look who's talking, you're practically dripping," Jean replied with indignation, and eyed her critically. Looking down she realised there was dirty straw and horse shit spread all over the floor around her. She hadn't really noticed the mess she'd been making when she was supposed to be cleaning the stalls. Whoops. "Seriously," Jean exclaimed incredulously, "what does Reiner see in you?"

Iris felt a smile play on her lips.

"Oh you don't want to know..." she grinned. For a moment Jean did not seem to get her point, but when it dawned on him what she was implying he scowled, and blushed slightly. His mouth twisted, and he produced a gagging sound.

"Eugh, thanks for that disgusting mental image." Iris smirked and tossed some dirty straw towards her wheel barrel, missing by several inches.

"Blame yourself for asking."

Jean grumbled and moved from one stall to the next. Little drops of sweat rolled down his neck, and he wiped them with his sleeve. Iris understood the need for good weather during expeditions; rain or fog could completely destroy their formation by hindering them from utilizing their flare guns. She could already feel the saddle sores she would have tonight though. Heat made everything made of leather chafe even more than it usually did.

"One thing I can't understand," Jean spoke up, "is how you've managed to convince Reiner you're some defenseless little thing."

"Well," she scooped at some of the spills on the paved stable floor, "look at me. What am I?"

"A girl," he replied impatiently without looking.

"Mm, I'm not very tall, strong, outspoken, fierce or cunning... People have underestimated me ever since I grew tits." Jean turned and stared at her. "What?" she snapped.

"You almost sounded human there, just seeing if you're gonna burst into flame."

"Funny," she clicked her tongue. Deciding the floor was feasibly clean she put away the pitch fork and rolled her wheel barrel outside to the dung heap. Once back inside she began to sweep the floors. This was the smallest one of the stables, housing only the broodmares and their offspring.

"By the way," Jean muttered, "I never thanked you for-"

"No need. We helped each other out there, as comrades should." Iris heard him snort behind her.

"You're about the last person in the world I would have expected to think of as a friend."

"I know," she said and pointed at him with her broom, "guess you underestimated me too."

Jean gave her a look that told her he'd be dropped naked into a bear pit rather than admit to that.

A couple of hours later the survey corps made the ground rumble as over one hundred soldiers galloped in tight formation. Karanes district was just up ahead, where they would have a short breather before heading out into the wilderness outside of Rose.

Iris's mare flicked her ears irritably at the flies that swarmed around them. She was a fiery chestnut filly named Richard. When Iris had been told of a mare named Richard, she'd thought it a joke at first - And while the name was a joke in itself, the filly really was called Richard. Her former rider had named her, and subsequently nicknamed her "Red Dick", before riding her off to his demise during their last expedition outside the walls.

Iris found her Red Dick to be a fickle thing, temperamental, opinionated and utterly lacking a sense of humor. She was however strong, intelligent and fast as well, and all in all R.D reminded her of captain Levi. Iris found this to be an endless source of amusement.

Up ahead she saw Erwin signal for the column of riders to halt their pace, and she brought R.D down to a brisk walk behind the captain's group consisting of Eren, Levi himself and his chosen elite squad; second in command Eld Jinn, wannabe-Levi Oluo Bozado, sweet Petra Ral who looked at Levi as if he was a tiny god in human form, and lastly the practical wine-lover Gunther Schultz. They were all good people, and extremely strong soldiers... and then there was her, she supposed. Iris the unworthy, or Iris the unwanted - One of them would probably be correct.

The streets of Karanes were crammed with people; most of them quiet and austere, though some were not afraid to openly express their contempt. Some kids were craning their necks, hoping to get a view of the brave soldiers carrying the hope of humanity on their shoulders.

"Iris," Reiner's voice snapped her out of her train of thought. He trotted up from behind her, and for once he didn't look his usual comfortable self. Riding horses was probably the first thing she'd seen him struggle a little with. He managed to stay on fine, but he was far from calm and balanced even though he'd spent many hours in the saddle during the last few weeks. He also had the habit of not giving his dapple gelding enough rein so the poor thing could move its head freely. She kept telling him to loosen his reins, and he kept forgetting. He looked tense and serious today. As part of the relay teams, he had one of the spare horses trailing slightly behind him on a separate lead rope. She raised her brows at him.

"Be careful out there today," he urged her. The he dark circles under his eyes reminded her of bruises.

"You're telling me? I have Levi's skirts to hide behind. Plus, I dare not sneeze unless he permits me to. If anyone should worry it's you," she chewed her lip. Reiner had a kind heart, and he got carried away sometimes, doing some rather stupid things to try and save people who were in a bind. Like during the battle of Trost where he'd taken out the titan she attacked to distract it from Jean. The stupid, noble oaf. "I know it's difficult for you, but don't be a hero out there today - Just come home again. I forbid you to die." She tried to make her eyes convey the world of pain he'd be in for if he went and got himself killed. He did not look comforted by her assurance that she would be safe with Levi. Instead he leaned closer to her, lowering his voice to what was almost a whisper.

"You know how plans like these tend to fall to pieces as soon as something unexpected happens. If shit hits the fan today and I need to find you, where will you be? Leading the right flank?" His eyes searched her face. Iris felt herself frown.

"I don't know where we will be," she muttered as she bit her lip. She'd kept her suspicions as to why she'd been assigned to Levi's squad to herself. Reiner had been critical towards Levi ever since their first encounter where the little man had ignored him completely. "I haven't told you but... I think I'm being investigated for something. I don't know anything about today's expedition, except to do what I'm told."

"Investigated? That's ridiculous," he said but didn't look like he felt like laughing.

"I am sure it will be cleared up in no time. I have nothing to hide." She patted Red Dick's muscular neck, feeling the soft swing through the mare's back rock her gently in the saddle. "Reiner," she tried not to sound too worried, "seriously... don't die today. Or I will never forgive you." She looked into his eyes, and they reminded her of gilded steel; beautiful but hard.

"I won't, I promise. There's something I want to talk to you about when we've returned. Be safe."

"I'll be in the company of humanity's secret weapon and humanity's strongest soldier - I'll be alright." She smiled and wondered what it was he wanted to talk about.

"Good," he smiled even though the warmth didn't quite reach his eyes. As he turned and spurred his horse forward to find his position on the inner-right flank, she heard him mutter: "I just hope she remembers that..."

_"Did he mean me?"_

They rode hard across the plains, with their hair whipping in the wind. The thundering of hooves against the hard ground, the pounding of her own heart, and the sound of her own breathing seemed to fill the world around her. They rode in silence, apart from the few times they saw flares in the distance, signalling a change of direction; then Levi would order one of them to fire one of their own flares. The forward scouts seemed to be doing a good job in letting the formation avoid any titan encounters.

_"Too quiet," _she thought, _"The corps wouldn't have a death toll of about 8% for every expedition if things always went this well.. This empty horizon is making the hairs on the back of my neck stand up."_

"Hey Eren," she called out to the brunette who rode his bay horse a few feet ahead of her, "how does it feel to be in enemy territory for the first time?" If anything she just felt like breaking this damned silence. This entire situation felt to her like the deep breath before the plunge... or perhaps the quiet before the storm. A bad, uncanny silence. Eren turned in his saddle to look back at her, and his grayish eyes expressed the same uneasiness she was feeling.

"It's very quiet," he replied but left the rest unspoken; _"there should already be casualties on the front lines, but we can't even see them from here.."_

Levi, riding his dark bay gelding in front of her to her right, threw a stern glance over his shoulder.

"Bachmann," he called, "follow my orders today, no matter what they are." His tone suggested his words to be a veiled threat.

"Or what, captain?"

"Or it'll be considered treason."

She gulped. _"Treason? What the hell do they think I am? This is mad, I am not a traitor." _Eren stared at her as if he'd never seen her before. This annoyed her, since they had trained, eaten, fought and worked together for several years. How dared he even for a second look at her as if there was the slightest chance she would _ever_ betray any of them?! She knew her eyes flashed with anger as she stared back at him, because he flinched and turned away from her to gaze up ahead.

"Levi, sir, may I ask-"

"Be quiet and ride. That's an order, whelp."

Iris closed her mouth, fuming. Up ahead they saw green signal flares, pointing the direction for them to head towards. Red Dick flicked her tail irritably, as if she could sense the anger Iris harboured. Horses sensed more in their riders than many people liked to believe. Human nature would have them wanting to think that they're the most clever and perceptive creatures around at all times, however that was seldom the case. She stared at Levi's back as he ordered Oluo to fire the flare, and wondered why she had ever thought this angry midget was a friend to her. Sure, he'd saved her life once, _big whoop_.

That's when she heard the sound of horse and rider approaching from the right flank. Moments later, a rider showed up from behind the small group of trees and thick brushes they had just passed. The man drove his horse hard towards them, and the whites of his eyes seemed to shine out of his skull. His horse was lathered with sweat, and he would soon break it if he didn't ease up a little. He probably wouldn't notice until it was too late though, Iris thought. The look on his face told her as much. It also told her that something very bad had happened to the right flank.

_"Why is it always the damned _**_right_**_ flank?" _she asked herself. _"We never hear stories of how the enemy broke through from the left. Do all foes in the world have some strange proclivity towards the right? Most people write with their _**_right_**_ hand, and most soldiers slice deeper with their right." _Iris had never understood why people favoured one hand over the other, she had always alternated between hers. For writing letters she always chose her left hand though, as the writing looked slightly more refined with that hand, she'd thought. No one else had ever seemed to see the difference though. _"Perhaps I'd have been less shit in training if I'd just settled on the _**_right_**_ hand. Perhaps I'm also choosing a rather poor time to think about this?"_

**_"The right flank has been devastated! THE RIGHT FLANK IS NOW BLIND TO ENEMY MOVEMENT! Please pass the on to the squads on your left!" _**the man shouted as he was within earshot, before he reined his horse back the way he'd come. Iris felt her insides churn uncomfortably, but the captain's face could have been carved from stone.

_"His eyes are the colour of flint - I never really noticed that before."_

"You heard the man Petra. Move out." His voice was eerily calm.

"Yes sir!" Petra called and headed off towards the left.

_"We must be somewhere in the center of the formation" _she realised. And then it hit her: _"Reiner's on the right flank!"_

As the world seemed to fall away around her, she turned her head towards the right flank... The sounds of the horses and the wind faded away to a low murmur. Either time itself slowed down, or her thoughts kicked into overdrive; she could not tell which. _"If the right flank has been devastated they were probably hit on the front lines first, giving the lines further back and closer to the center plenty of time to see the black flares. Reiner is cautious, plus his position put him in between Armin and Jean. Together, those three should be alright. I have to believe in them... Armin though, gods, the titans should have come through there."_

She turned her face to Levi's back. The motion felt slow and clumsy. His green cape flapped in the wind, so slowly she could see every movement and ripple in the fabric. The wings of freedom were fluttering, as if they wished to take flight.

"There's an abnormal?!" she heard Eren call. His voice sounded flat and oddly distorted. He was looking over his shoulder. She craned her head back around, painfully slowly, seeing the black flares.

_"It's coming from where Reiner should be," _she thought numbly. _"Why is it coming from back there?"_

"Eren, fire the flare. What a mess... The formation's been penetrated that deeply?" Not even Levi seemed unaffected anymore. He sounded tense.

Iris felt her hands twitch as the clutched Red Dick's reins so hard her knuckles were turning white. _"Follow my orders today, no matter what they are. Or it'll be considered treason" _Levi whispered viciously in her ears. Again and again he whispered, sounding more menacing each time. And yet she wanted to turn R.D around and race back to the place where the black pillars of smoke rose ominously towards the skies. Her braided hair flapped in the wind and pounded against her back. Every step R.D took brought her further from the place where _he _might be, and she felt her resolve falter slowly.

_"If I could just know that you're alright... I could ride on then... I could face anything, if I just knew you were okay. It might not even be you over there though. Perhaps you're already dead; and me and R.D are only really trying to outrun the news, run and run so we never heave to hear those words spoken, or feel the pain that comes after... Perhaps me running to you to try and keep you safe is what will kill you in the end. Reiner... I don't know what the right choice is... I'm sorry," _she closed her eyes for a moment and thought back to when she had been thirteen years old, broken bodied, disillusioned and lonely. A raven haired man had come to her, pulled her up on her feet, and said: _"Get up. Stop whining. Unless you mean to drown your enemies, stop your crying."_

That day she had realised that you didn't cry when people did bad things to you. You punished them.

Her face twisted into a scowl.

_"I am a soldier; the hand that holds the sword, the heart that defies the fear, the will and rage of mankind. I must sometimes do things I do not want to do, follow orders even if it feels wrong - Because I _**_chose_**_ this life. I chose it because of you, Levi. If something happens today that I cannot live with, I'll just have to die later, but right now I _**_choose_**_ you."_

She pressed on, and didn't look back again.

_"You promised me you'd come home from this expedition, and I know you're someone who doesn't break promises. I'll find you later, and you'll have Jean and Armin with you."_

Levi turned slightly in his saddle, and gave her a long, solemn look, as if he'd heard her thoughts. He nodded to her and then turned away again. Perhaps he'd just seen the look on her face, and figured that she had decided to follow him. If only he were an easier man to follow.

A forest made up of huge tall trees loomed ahead of them. There looked to have been a wide road leading through it once, because huge pavestones could be spotted under the grass and moss, though most of it had become overgrown by now. They were heading right for the passage, and whilst the supply wagons should have gone through easily, the rest of the formation couldn't have. The trees would obscure their vision, their flares would be rendered useless. They'd be sitting ducks in there. All it would take is one titan behind a tree, and countless lives would be lost in one fell swoop. The horses couldn't move at top speed either through brushes and thickets. Yet Levi led them onto the wide path, and the forest closed in around them. The green canopy above blocked the sun out almost completely, and the half grassy ground muffled the sound of the horses' hooves.

Eren looked to his sides, as if he hoped there would be a revelation standing behind a tree somewhere, ready to spell out the plan for him. She understood his confusion however, because she couldn't understand it either. This was the worst place for them to enter. Was this all some experiment Erwin had thought up?

Iris did not know commander Erwin, but she had heard stories, talked to some of his officers, and read through a lot of the records of his career with the corps. All of this had let her make some sense of the tall man who led them: He had a deadpan face and blue eyes that could glimmer with amusement, kindness, sincerity, or severity - All depending on what he needed to get out of the situation at hand. He was a man who would mix lies with truths however it suited him at the moment. He was a schemer and a planner who trusted no one but thought everyone could be useful in one way or another. A man who thrived in chaos. A man who always, _always, _had a plan.

_"Reiner, you're clever but if you thought Erwin would fail to have a plan for every possible outcome today, then you need to learn to read people better. It wouldn't surprise me if this was our intended destination all along, and the loss of lives so far was just another figure he factored into this plan. He told us half of us would die during this mission at the recruitment ceremony, and we put our hands across our hearts and offered ourselves to him... like sheep before the slaughter."_

"Captain! .. Captain Levi!" Eren called frantically.

"What?" Levi muttered darkly. That tiny tremor she thought she'd heard in his voice once they'd spotted the black flares was gone again, replaced with his usual emotional flatness.

"We're in the forest! With just us in the central column here we can't detect any oncoming titans, and whatever is coming from our right flank... Sir how can we avoid titans and protect the wagons like this?!" Sweat dripped from Eren's brow, but he did not seem to notice. He was so high strung, quick to excitement, quick to anger, quick to despair. Humanity's secret weapon. Iris felt ashamed when she thought, not for the first time, that it would have been better if this power had fallen to someone like the angry midget... but perhaps his titan form would have been small and unimpressive as well?

_"And perhaps human Levi is more terrifying than any monster version of him could ever be... ?"_

"Stop whining about obvious things," Levi replied coldly to his underling, "Of course we can't do any of that crap."

"Huh?! Wh-what are you saying?!" Eren's eyes threatened to pop out of his skull. A droplet of sweat clung to his chin, but as he spoke it fell to his collar.

"Look around you," Levi urged him. "These trees are the perfect environment for vertical maneuvering gear. Now, think. Use whatever modest intellect you _do _possess, and think hard. Your life depends on it."

Iris could see Eren frantically trying to figure out what the captain meant with his words.

_"The trees are perfect for our gear; so that means perfect for Levi and his squad. The only thing here with them worth protecting is Eren, the rest of the formation is not their concern... Yet the commander led us here intentionally... So was the protection of the wagons never the real objective? If not, then this was never a supply run to establish a route for future expeditions... But whatever Erwin thought we'd find out here, he thought it worth more than the lives of his soldiers." _That's as far as she got with this, and even from that her head hurt.

She saw Eren look around him to the faces of the people in squad Levi, and the look in his eyes as he did made her turn to look as well. They were all pale, sweating and worried. So that meant they did not know either; they just followed the captain - Someone who had their trust and their respect.

Then they all heard the heavy, thundering sound of footfalls. Feet that sounded large enough to squash a horse like a bug under its heel crept closer, pounding against the earth, headed right for them_. _The ground shook slightly, little pebbles danced jittery on the paved path before them, leaves rustled in the brushes and the trees.

"W-what's that noise...?! It's coming from right behind us..."

"Perhaps it's that thing from the right flank," Eld mused fatefully.

"All of you... draw your swords," Levi ordered as he slid his blades from their sheaths.

"Captain!" she called out, unsure if his orders included her as well.

"You too, whelp."

Iris drew her blades as the sounds of the heavy footsteps drew closer to them with each passing minute. The ground rumbled beneath Red Dick's feet, and licked up the sides of her mount, settling inside of her chest. Whatever was coming must be large. Whatever was coming had obliterated their right flank.

_We can't outrun it," _she thought. _"I didn't expect to become one of Erwin's sacrifices so soon. I thought I'd be able to do so much more, be so much more." _She turned around, and saw it coming.

Tall, muscled, and terrifying she came; with her blonde hair whipping and blue eyes that glowed like hot coals in their deep sockets. It was a _she_, even though titans rarely had any female features. And Iris could have sworn that the corners of _her _mouth were turned up in an almost unnoticeable, chilling smile.

Squad Levi urged the captain to engage the she-thing when the reinforcements from the rear swooped in. Feebly they buzzed around the huge titan, trying to get in behind her to have access to her nape. Iris saw the bitch's eyes turn in her head to peer at the attacking soldiers, when any normal titan would have turned their entire head around in a birdlike fashion... And then she covered the nape of her neck with her hand. She slammed her body against one of the tree trunks, squashing the soldier with her shoulder. The world around them trembled, and the soldier turned into a red smear upon the tree bark. His comrade flinched and tried to abort his attack, but it was too late. The smiling she-thing was already closing her bone clad fingers around him, and with a flick of her arm she smeared him onto the tree on her left.

Iris swallowed, experiencing a coarse, raspy sensation in her throat as the muscles contracted. It felt as if she was trying to swallow dry sand. Next to her, Oluo was shouting:

"Captain, orders?! That thing is dangerous!"

"We should cut it down!" Gunther chimed in with a dark look in his eyes.

But Levi rode on, with his back turned to all of them. They called for his orders again, and he finally gave them: "Cover your ears." Iris had just enough time to jam her fingers into her ears when he fired the sound grenade. Under her, Red Dick jerked and threw herself to her right, slamming into Gunther's horse with a crash. As the grenade howled on, R.D shook her head violently, as if trying to rid herself of the horrible screech. The other horses seemed unfazed, but as Iris caught the corner of R.D's eye and saw it, wide and rolling with terror, she knew the mare had gone into a blind panic. She would most likely run with the others until they stopped, or until she broke, either way Iris had lost all control over her.

Levi told his underlings off for their lack of discipline, and reminded them they were there to protect Eren, while Iris's helplessly clung to R.D as the filly swerved back and forth in between Eld and Gunther's horses. Her neck was lathered with sweat, foam dripped from her mouth, and those huge brown eyes kept flashing and rolling with panic. More backup arrived, Eren was shouting incoherently, the footsteps thundered behind them and she heard another sickening _'crack' _as another soldier met his end. Eren screamed wordlessly, and when he found his wits again his voice kept breaking.

"We could have saved him," he screamed, "If we go now there's still time to help!"

Someone finally shouted to Eren to shut up, and he did. But instead he got this odd, constipated look on his face.

_"He's thinking... he's thinking he can fight it alone; to save that soldier back there, to save us." _She closed her eyes as they argued around her, and just twisted her hands around tufts of R.D's mane.

She thought about her father, and wondered if he was sitting in his office right now, flipping through his patients journals with a cup of coffee next to him. Or perhaps he was reassuring Mrs. Bouquet that her cough would not kill her this time either - The woman was a hypochondriac. She wondered if they grey had come into the hair at his temples yet, and if his wrinkles still made him look more handsome, rather than just plain old. He'd always been a hard looking man with an oblong shaped face, strong jaw, and slightly crooked sharp nose. His eyes were deep set, unyielding, and so dark blue they looked black on a rainy day. His hair had been dark, always water combed backwards, and he kept his moustache neatly trimmed.

She missed his study as well; all the books he kept, and the photo albums he'd told her to never mention to mother. When she was very little he'd lock them in so she couldn't get to them, but when she was six he'd put her on his lap and showed her the pictures on the first page. He had told her the stories of the people in the pictures, why they were there and what happened to them. After that they would look at another page every few weeks, and just like that first time her father would tell her of the fate of the people in the pictures. She had always liked the scary stories the best.

**_"Target is accelerating!" _**Gunther's voice snapped her out of her musings.

_"Am I going to die here? ... They say that a soldier's last thoughts should be of home, so I suppose it's only fitting that I remember father at a time like this." _The monstrous she-thing was almost upon them now. Iris, firmly gripping R.D's mane, turned back to look at it. She instantly wished she hadn't. The bitch's hair was whipping across her face in the wind draft, and some strands whisked to the side, revealing one huge, blue eye. The pupil was like a pin prick in that vast blue pool, fixed on Eren.

"Full speed ahead! We'll outrun it!" Levi shouted and urged his horse to give him more speed, but the horse had nothing more to give. "Keep going!" he ordered them.

Then the bitch reached forward towards Eren, and the thing's face had the expression of someone drowning, reaching desperately for something to hold on to. She had stopped smiling.

Next thing she knew, Iris heard commander Erwin's voice: **_"FIRE!"_**

The thundering sound of cannon fire drowned out everything else around her.


	13. 12

**The 57th Expedition outside the walls - Year 850**

The sound of cannon fire spooked Red Dick who reeled sideways. Iris clung to the saddle and instinctively tried to pull one of her reins to force the filly in a circle, or they might both end up dashing madly through the forest. She heard the captain ordering the rest of his squad tether their horses up ahead and get Eren away from the titan. R.D reared, again and again, forcing Iris to throw herself forward and wrap her arms around the horse's neck. The third time she reared, R.D lost her balance, and they tumbled over backwards. She felt the filly start falling, her head whipping back and forth, screaming the way only a frightened horse can scream. She let go of the horse, and tried to push herself off through the fall.

_"If she lands on me I'll be crushed underneath her. My insides will become soup, or if I'm lucky I'll just break all the bones in my body," _she thought as she fell. Her shoulder crashed against the pavestones, and hot pain shot through her entire body. She had her eyes closed and waited for the crack of her head smashing on the ground, or the grinding crunch of R.D's heavy body on hers.

But Red Dick did not land on her, and she didn't crack her skull open either. Instead she heard the captain's voice:

"If you're alive get up, whelp. You're with me." She heard the swoosh of him shooting up and back where they had come from. Back to where _she _was.

Iris groaned and rolled, got to her knees and stopped for a moment to check if she'd broken anything. But apart from a dull ache in her shoulder she seemed fine, so she climbed to her feet. She heard clopping hoofs and heavy breathing, and she saw R.D had come to a halt over by the other tethered horses up ahead. The filly looked like she was okay too, though lathered and drenched in sweat.

She launched herself into the air, and headed to the captain who had attached himself to the trunk of a tree close to the she-thing's head. The only spot available to land on was the one next to commander Erwin. She swallowed hard, and landed in that spot. The commander turned his head slightly, and looked at her with those empty eyes of his.

"Whoever is inside that titan, Levi, Mike, cut them out." Commander Erwin's voice was devoid of excitement over what he'd caught in his web. She felt like he was picking her apart with his eyes. Iris turned her gaze to the female titan, and experienced a sense of relief when she couldn't see the commander out of the corner of her eye anymore, peering at her.

Mike and Levi flew in aiming their savage cuts at the wrists of the titan to sever them. A ray of sunlight was reflected upwards as the skin over the titan's hands glazed over with what looked like pure, iridescent crystal. The clang of steel against something much harder rung through the air as the two soldiers made their cuts, and the pieces of their shattered blades flew out to the sides of them. She heard the commander order someone to place explosive charges at the wrists of the titan to attempt to blow her hands off so she couldn't shield her nape.

_"Whoever is inside there has killed so many people today, but I bet their heart is fluttering in their chest right now. You in there, what is it you come here to do? Why are our lives worth nothing to you?"_

The captain was standing on the thing's head, and eager to be out of Erwin's presence Iris swung down to Levi. He had ordered her to stay with him after all.

"You've murdered my subordinates in so many ways, did you enjoy it?" Levi asked and stomped his foot down on the thing's head. He looked up at Iris for a moment as she landed next to her. "Well, now it's my turn to enjoy this. I bet you still are, right? You can understand what I'm saying, can't you?" She knew he was talking to the titan, but she felt as if there was a hidden challenge in his words. Did she understand what he was talking about? He broke their eye contact and continued:

"There's something I want to ask you... could we cut off your limbs? They would just grow back, right? The ones on your real body, I mean. You see, I'd be in trouble if you died." His eyes glimmered savagely, and though his face did not give away what he felt inside, there was a slight inflection in his voice that made it sound as if he was smiling. The titan did not like the sound of it at all, because her body went rigid, and then she started sucking air into her lungs.

_"What the-" _was all Iris had time to think before the titan started screaming. A high pitched, terrible scream, louder than anything she had heard before echoed between the trees and made the treetops rustle as birds everywhere took flight. Iris covered her ears, and heard a ringing inside of her heard she'd never experienced before. The scream went on and on, and on the inside Iris quivered. The sound was haunted, like the calling for _something_ that had been old, dead and buried for a long as anyone could remember. It made her feel like she was in the presence of something wild and ancient. She cowered, and pressed the palms of her hands harder against her ears to try and shut out that awful sound.

Then it was over.

"Erwin!" she heard Mike call, "They're coming, lots of them, from all directions!"

After that, everything seemed to happen too fast. Orders were called, titans rushed in from all directions, ignoring the soldiers and lunging for the female titan. It was just like when the mindless titans had tried to eat Eren back in Trost. Captain Levi sprung into action, cutting down titan after titan, but there were so many of them. All around soldiers were fighting but there were so many titans coming. When the first five meter class broke through the line and started gnawing on _her _leg Iris jolted as if she'd been prodded with a hot poker.

_"Why are you just standing there, whelp. Are you going to be as useless as he thinks you are?" _she scolded herself with an inner voice that sounded eerily similar to Levi's. And then she dove for the little titan, slicing through it's neck in one quick attack. She heard Erwin command them to defend the female titan to the death, so she flew and turned, hacking wildly around her. Teeth snapped shut just inches from one of her arms, her chords almost tangled in flailing arms of a tall titan as it rushed in, not for her but for the female. Half the battle was to not get caught in the way of the onslaught of bodies pressing in. Steam enveloped the fighters so she could barely see anything. Titan after titan fell but they were too many. The female titan was going to be devoured, and Iris knew that was just what _her_ intention had been. That horrible screech had been a calling - For death, or for help.

**_"All squads, PULL BACK!" _**Erwin boomed as the titans ripped the flesh from the female's body. Iris launched herself back, slashing through the nape of one last hungry monstrosity on the way. It was too focused on getting to the female to even notice her, but it died the same way all titans do. One less abomination in the world.

She landed on a tree branch and heard the commanders order to pull out. She looked around to find the captain, but the smoke was so thick it was difficult to see anything other than the tall shapes of the trees. The people clinging to the stems and standing on the branches looked like wispy figures in the shadow and smoke underneath the green canopy.

"Iris," captain Levi came swooping out of the mist, pausing next to her. "We're replenishing our gas and our blades, follow me."

They swung down to the supplies unit, and were restocked by them while some others were packing up their things, getting ready to depart.

"We're gonna go find my squad. If something happens on the way there, don't do anything stupid." His eyes were like flint, cold and gray.

"You think there's a slight chance that whoever was in that titan got away?"

"Erwin seems to think so, and he is usually right."

He started off, and she followed close behind. There was a flare in the distance that must belong to squad Levi, and they headed for it, swinging between the trees with such speed her eyes watered. Then there was a second flare, and she knew something was wrong.

"Captain, that flare!" Her voice sounded high pitched and screechy, but she couldn't help it. If that thing got to Eren, what would it do to him? What did they want?!

"So that bitch got away. Keep up if you can." he snapped, and upped his pace. He was so fast, she barely had time to coordinate herself to avoid oncoming branches and keep up the momentum. Levi seemed to be doing it with ease however, barely noticing the surrounding obstacles.

_"He's rushing in because he hopes there's a way to save his squad..."_

Then they heard a titan scream, not the female titan but another, and she could see that this displeased Levi. Thunder could be heard from within the forest, sounds that could only mean that two titans were fighting each other.

When Levi and Iris arrived, it was already too late to help the squad. Gunther's head had almost been taken clean off by the blades that had cut his neck open. Half of Eld was in one place, the other half in another. Oluo and Petra had both been crushed against tree trunks. Iris saw the captain look at his fallen comrades as they went past, with obvious sadness written across his face. But he didn't stop, because now they could both see the evidence of the titan fight as well as hear the footsteps of the victor, taking off through the forest.

They chased after, and Iris heard Mikasa's unmistakeable voice, shouting at the female titan. She was circling the titan, clearly not her usual calm self, and if she kept fighting like that she would lose. Levi went in and caught her by the waist just as a massive arm almost caught both of them in it's swing. He pulled Mikasa to the side, hissing at her.

"I'm with you but back off for now. We will follow it from this distance. It appears to be moving slower than before, I bet it's tired too."

He asked if Eren was alive, and to her relief Mikasa was convinced that he was. Whoever this enemy was, they wanted Eren for something, were willing to risk their lives to have him. Levi devised their strategy - Not to kill the titan but to take Eren back. Iris was told to act as a distraction along with Mikasa, and without a word she resolved to obey. So they rushed forward, getting ahead of the female before they turned mid air to swing back in.

Iris saw the she-thing's eyes dart between the attackers as they approached, and with terrifying precision she swung one of her arms up, flicking her elbow at Mikasa hoping to swipe her against one of the trees, but Mikasa was too fast. Instead the titan clenched it's hand in a fist, bringing it back towards Iris. She was prepared for the motion though, and was ready to dodge the blow so she chanced a look at the titans face. There was something slightly triumphant in its eyes, until they locked gazes. The muscles in the thing's face shifted into what could have been dismay. And then the fist being slung her was slowed, and lowered, punching the air far below Iris's position.

She was so shocked her entire body seemed to go numb. The titan was staring at her, and yes, that looked like dismay on its face. Then Levi was upon it, slashing and hacking like a madman. He moved almost too quickly for the eye to follow, a flurry of green and black hair and blades, opening up huge gashes in the titan's arm. The things face shifted again, and now it looked almost afraid. He buried his blades all the way to the hilt in the thing's eyes, and detached the blades. Then he went for it's legs, drawing new blades on the way there, and he brought her off her feet. Moving too fast for the titan to react, she sliced the muscles in the arm she as using to shield her nape, and Iris could see Mikasa's eye fix on the female's neck.

_"She's gonna go for it." _Iris still felt the shock course through her. Her mind was foggy, and her limbs were so heavy. Over and over she kept seeing the fist come towards her, and then blue eyes met hers, and it hesitated. Why?

Mikasa grappled onto the titan to go in for the kill. That's when Iris saw it had healed its arm enough to have mobility back, even though only seconds had passed since Levi carved it up.

"Mikasa!" she heard herself shout, and then she saw Levi going in and violently shoving the girl out of harms way. He sliced the titan's cheeks open, and as her jaw slacked, Eren's slimy form spilled out. Levi snatched him up and they were off.

Iris turned and looked over her shoulder, with the wind in her ears, braid flapping and heart still pounding furiously while her mind felt like it was full of mud. She saw the female titan, still sitting with her cut jaw hanging open.

_"... Are those tears?" _There was something profoundly upsetting about the tears streaming soundlessly down the abomination's cheeks. A monster. An enemy. Shedding tears over their defeat.

Iris looked around, and saw that one of the soldiers had R.D on a lead, so she went to him, and thanked him for bringing the filly for her. They had reconvened with the central squads outside of the forest, and a short pause had been given to collect Oluo, Eld, Gunther and Petra's bodies. She had volunteered, seeing how the captain had injured his leg. Petra had felt heavy in her arms, despite her small frame. But dead bodies always felt heavier than live ones did.

They wrapped up the bodies of the dead they'd been able to recover from the forest, but many were left behind due to the high count of titans in the vicinity. Many horses were dead or had fled as well, driven mad by the scent of blood and the screaming of the female titan. As Iris led R.D towards her spot in the column she saw Levi on the ground without his horse. He was trying to mask his pain, but clearly favored his uninjured right leg.

"Captain," she walked to him, "here, have my horse. I can ride in one of the carts until we've found some stray horses on the way back."

"The carts are full enough already without you weighing them down even more. Your horse can take both of us." His austere expression betrayed nothing of his thoughts, but Iris had always thought him to be an emotional person on the inside. It just didn't translate to the outside very well. He must be hurting though, having lost so many friends today. He limped to R.D's side and halted there. She was a tall mare, and he'd need to use his left leg in the stirrup to get on her.

"Here," Iris said and went forward, clasping her hands together. "I'll give you a boost." _"Good thing looks can't kill." _But he didn't refuse her. Instead he let her boost him up onto R.D's back, before she swung herself up behind him.

The column started moving, around the forest and back to their point of entry where they would reconvene with the rest of the troops. That would be the moment of truth; she would find out if all her friends and comrades had made it through the day. Her stomach was in knots where she rode behind the captain. They broke into a gallop, and while she did not need to hold on to him to stay on Red Dick, she did need something to hold on to right now. So she wrapped her arms around the captain's waist, thinking that he probably disliked being touched as well. However he said nothing about it, so they rode on in silence. Mikasa rode next to the wagon where Eren lay, still unconscious, never taking her eyes off him.

As the entire formation came together again, Iris searched the faces of the riders around her while she rocked back and forth behind the saddle. Green capes were flapping, and riders crossed in and out of line of sight. Her heart hammered on inside her chest.

_"There's Armin riding up next to Eren's side, he's alright! And there, I can see Christa, and Ymir with her... and over there's Connie, and that's Bertholdt beside him. Sasha? There she is, on the other side close to Hange's squad."_

Her eyes darted back and forth, only two left. The two she had assumed would have met up with Armin. Her heart beat almost painfully hard now. She felt her throat closing up, and the more she looked without seeing them the harder it seemed to breathe. She let her eyes sweep up ahead, and finally found Jean riding behind Nanaba. Relief mixed with pain as she searched for Reiner. She felt a burning sensation in her eyes, and realised she was close to tears. He had to be there, he had promised her.

Finally she saw him, he had been hidden behind Keiji along the lines furthest out from the central column. He looked unharmed, and as if he'd felt her eyes upon him he turned her way. He smiled meekly to her, and as she felt cold air against her front teeth, she realised she must be smiling too. Reiner raised one hand, and pointed between them, signalling they would talk once the column stopped to let the horses breathe and gather more of their dead. She nodded confirming to him, and then turned her face forward again. The relief she felt allowed her muscles to relax, and she became aware of how tightly she'd been holding on to Levi; so tightly it must have hurt. But he hadn't said a word.

"Captain," she rasped, and was forced to clear her throat. "I'm sorry about your comrades."

He didn't reply, but she thought she could see his hands clench harder around his reins. They rode in silence for a few minutes.

_"Spies. That's how they knew Eren is a shifter. They must have been there during the battle of Trost and seen him. They must also be people who infiltrated our society after Maria was breached. Perhaps that's the only reason to why they halted the attack after the gate of Trost - They found what they were looking for. All those people who died when Maria fell, they are not dead because someone wanted to murder them... they're dead because someone thought they didn't matter."_

"Levi, sir, I was one of your suspects, were I not?" she asked him quietly, once she figured it out.

"Yeah. Everyone who saw Eren's titan form before it was revealed publicly, and who wasn't around before the fall are suspects. Erwin's been running background checks on everyone. The result of yours made you one of our suspects."

"So they assigned you, the strongest soldier, to keep an eye on me. And today Eren was the lure - Even if I wasn't the spy there was a good chance we'd draw out the real one." She had a foul taste in her mouth. Injustice tastes bitterly, as it turns out. "Did you think it was me? That I was the enemy of humanity?" She failed to keep the anger out of her voice.

"Never," he replied calmly, baffling her. "But it's not my place to question Erwin. He could have been right." She let go of the captain to rub her face with her hand. Her facial muscles felt tense, but no matter how she rubbed her frustration would not relent. "It's not my fault if you fall off, whelp," Levi muttered. She put her arm back around him.

"Captain. What was wrong with my background check?"

"Later. Not here," was all he said.

Half an hour later they reached the point where the female titan had ripped through the right flank, dragging a horde of abnormal titans along behind her. The formation came to a halt in a grassy field, and sent out outriders to collect any bodies they could reach without risking any titan engagements. It was mid afternoon judging by where the sun was in the sky, and they had perhaps another hour's ride before they would reach the wall. The captain halted R.D, and once they came to a standstill Iris slid down onto the ground. She looked up at Levi, who sat atop the filly while overlooking their surroundings glumly.

"Do you... need any help getting off?" she asked him, wondering if it was a mistake to suggest that humanity's strongest soldier couldn't dismount without help. Levi gave her a look cold enough to make flowers wither.

"I'm staying here."

"No one would notice, and I won't tell anyone, I promise."

Levi tsk'ed, gave her yet another cold stare, and turned R.D's head before putting his heels in her sides. Without another word he rode her off, headed towards the head of the formation where he'd find the commander and the other squad leaders.

Iris turned and saw Reiner make his way to her, crisscrossing between soldiers impatiently with his green cape streaming out from behind him. The green of the survey corps' cape stood in bright contrast with the lightly muddy green of the plain linen shirt he always wore under his uniform. If she didn't know him, the look on his face might have taken her aback; that hard mouth with its down turned corners, and those crinkled brows made him look harsh and unapproachable. She felt a familiar warmth stir inside her chest, and went to meet him.

She slipped her arms around his waist, pressed her nose against the spot where his neck met his collarbone, and breathed in his familiar smell. She felt his arms around her shoulders, and heard his breath close to her left ear. The last bit of tension went out of her, and she realised her knees were trembling the slightest bit.

"What happened to you out there? When we got the message I wondered... and then the black flares. I-I feared..." she couldn't finish the sentence. Her voice just trembled, and died in her throat. She knew what she had feared, and he did too.

"I was riding through when I saw a black flare, and then I found Armin on the ground. That massive bitch had killed his horse and was running off ahead of us, so we got him onto a spare horse. Just when we were about to fire the black flare when Jean met up with us. The right flank had been hit hard with abnormals crawling all over it, lead there by that female one. Armin figured out that she was probably after Eren, and that he was most likely in the center, so we decided to distract it to buy you guys some time."

Iris felt her knees almost buckle when she heard him say that. "Distract it? Did you actually see that thing?! Who thought of a stupid plan like that?!"

"Jean did. I honestly thought he was just a selfish bastard, but I might have been wrong about him.. Armin thought the bitch wouldn't kill us if she wasn't sure who we were, so we put our hoods up. Don't worry, we only tried to keep her in place. Armin hit his head a little, but we're fine."

Conflicting emotions were warring inside of Iris. She was angry with them for doing something as stupid as engaging the she-thing, but then she had done the same thing by the captains orders. The anger was there anyway however; anger directed at all three of them for being so stupid and reckless with their lives. She hugged Reiner tighter, burying her face in his chest for a few moments, thinking of how grateful she was that he was still there, still warm, and most of all, that he was still alive.

"Where are Jean and Armin?" she asked, not sure if she wanted to talk to them, or just punch Jean in the face. She owed him a good hard right hook anyway. Reiner gave a little chuckle and brushed his one hand down her back gently.

"Is that all the time you have for me, one hug and a scolding?" he complained jokingly. "They're helping over by one of the carts, this way." He took her hand in his, and led her off to the back of the column of riders. She tried to ignore the looks they received from some of the other soldiers as they went, but felt bothered by them anyway. It was not as much shame as it was a feeling of some things being private. She stole a glance at Reiner and noted, like many times before, just how high his cheekbones were. She wondered where he'd gotten them from, his mother's or his father's side. They were both gone though... if they hadn't been, would Reiner have wanted her to meet at least his mother? She honestly did not even know if he thought of her _that way_.

They found their two comrades over by one of the carts where they had put some of the bodies. As they approached, Iris saw Armin say something to Jean who had his back their way. He turned around, their eyes met, and she thought he looked troubled. He had probably never lost a friend before Marco was slain, and it had changed him a lot. He'd become more serious, withdrawn and contemplative. He didn't say much of it, but Iris would bet money that he spent a lot of his time now reflecting on life and death, and worrying over who he'd lose and when. Seeing the barely noticeable slump of his shoulders where he stood, she felt for him. That right hook would have to wait, she decided.

"I'm so glad you are both alright," she said to them as they reached the two boys. Discretely she let Reiner's hand slip from her grasp, instantly regretting it as her hand felt lost and lonely without the comfort of his calloused fingers.

"Yeah likewise, though I thought you'd be alright. What happened inside the forest?" Jean asked her gravely.

"Did you figure out what the purpose of today was?"

"I think so," Armin said shyly. "The intent was to draw out the enemy, and attempt to capture it using Eren as bait." Iris nodded.

"We managed to make it to the spot just as it.. as _she _was upon us. At first it looked like a success. Eren and squad Levi were told to put some distance between themselves and us. But her scream brought so many titans upon us we couldn't kill them fast enough. Levi and I went to meet up with his squad and Eren, but whoever was inside that titan got to them before us. Eren tried to fight her, but she won and tried to take him with her. We got him back though, but... so many died."

It all sounded so surreal as she was retelling it to them. She kicked at the dirt with her feet a little before she added:

"The captain injured his leg as well. I don't know how badly." They were all quiet for a moment.

"So you fought that titan too. Then you know how scary strong it was," Jean muttered mournfully. "I almost still can't believe you got away today Reiner, thought you were a goner for sure when she grabbed you."

For a few seconds, Iris could not understand what Jean was saying. She heard words, but they made no sense to her. But then, starting in her toes, the icy cold realisation crept through her body. When his words hit her with full force, she felt as if someone had punched her in the stomach so hard the breath had been knocked from her. Slowly she turned to Reiner, and felt her lips pull back as her face twisted into a grimace.

She cracked him over the cheek in a vicious backhand slap with so much force his head whipped to the side. Her hand burned as if it was on fire, and the pain shot up through her arm all they way to her elbow. She hadn't thought to hit him, she'd just reacted as rage and terror and hurt welled up inside of her like a raging fire.

"You fucking asshole!" she screamed at him, and she could feel her wide eyes tear up. For a moment he looked so shocked and hurt it made her feel guilty, but that only added to the fury that writhed and twisted inside of her ribcage, gnawing at her insides like starving rats. He made a motion to grab her, but she used both her arms to shove him away from her with such force he staggered back.

"You fucking asshole!" she screamed again, and she could hear her own blood rushing through her veins, the pounding of her own heartbeat. He grabbed for her, and this time he anticipated her struggling. She snarled and swiped at him, but he grabbed her around the shoulders and pulled her to him. She aimed a hard kick to his shin, and felt her boot connect with his leg. He groaned in pain but did not let her go, and as he held her to him too firmly for her to squirm or hit him again, she opened her mouth to scream at him. But her throat felt so tight she couldn't get a word out, instead a low, strangled wailing was all she managed to get out.

Anguish, fear, rage and hurt all mixed together inside of her into a horrible toxic cocktail. The intense pain streaming through her blood into every part of her seemed to steep the world, her thoughts, her feelings in hues of anguished red, sorrowful blue and shades of night. She drew breath, but felt as if no air filled her lungs. She wanted to curse him, hit him, cry, beg, and more, all at once. She remembered galloping down the plains on R.D's back, thinking that if he was dead she wanted to keep running ahead of the news forever; so that she would never have to know. "He is dead." She imagined the pain those three words would leave her with, and felt like she wanted to vomit. The strength went out of her. Her thoughts were all in a jumble, and no matter how she tried she could not get them into any order. There were too many things that wanted out at the same time, so they ended up swallowing her instead.

She put her forehead against his collar bone, and grabbed onto his shirt at his sides, pulling it and him towards her.

"Don't leave me," she whimpered, putting everything rumbling around inside of her into those words. All of the pain, the tenderness, the fear, the bad things she'd seen today, the uncertainty of the future. She heard him breathe in sharply, as if her words were a dagger shoved into his stomach, and so she tugged at his shirt again. "_Don't leave me,_" she begged pathetically.

"It's alright," she heard him say, and felt him pat her hair. "It's alright, _I'm _alright." He sounded shaken.

"You hadn't told her that? Sometimes you're pretty daft Reiner," she head Jean say pointedly. "Even I know that's a pretty stupid thing to try to cover up, jeez... Iris though, get yourself together, we don't have time for shit like this right now." She heard him walk off.

"I'll... leave you to... sort.. uh," Armin stammered and padded off as well.

Iris felt her body tremble, but she couldn't stop it. She'd acted like a mad person, but she felt mad right now, and broken. If he let go of her now, she would probably fall to pieces. She felt him stroke her hair gently, and then he whispered in her ear, too low for anyone else to hear.

"It's okay, I was never really in any danger."

_"Liar."_

"I won't leave you," he turned her chin up and looked her in the eye. "Iris, I had to fight today. I'm a soldier, it was part of the plan. Plus, that titan bitch was not trying to kill us, she spared Armin's life twice."

_"I saw her kill soldiers without hesitating for a single second..."_

"It... she, did that with me too."

"See," he smiled faintly. "We were both okay." He brought his hand up to his jaw, touching it lightly. A splotchy red mark could be seen where she'd hit him, and she felt sad and ashamed when she noticed. "You have an impressive right hook there. That hurt like hell." He sounded oddly impressed.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't look so sad... Sometimes I forget how little you know; there's so many things I want to- I'm making no sense. Sorry. I'm tired."

They stood silent. She wanted to apologise again, but thought he would just dismiss her apology again.

"Everyone's getting ready to move out," he said and looked around them. "That Levi is still on your horse," he added darkly. Iris looked around and spotted the captain, still atop R.D some yards away.

"I'll have to go ask if we haven't found any more horses... I think he's more badly injured than he wants to let on." She still felt weak, and not at all eager to let go of Reiner yet, but people really were getting ready to ride again.

"What did he do with his own horse? Perhaps he should be trying to find it instead of hogging yours," Reiner grumbled begrudgingly. "You can ride with me."

"We shouldn't strain the horses too much, me and the captain are light so Dicky can easily take the both of us." She patted Reiner's shoulder, feeling like she'd aged a century since this morning. "Plus, he's my captain," she added as if that concluded the matter. Reiner muttered something inaudible, took her hand and gave it one last squeeze before he walked off to get to his own horse.

As if he had eyes in the back of his head, Levi beckoned her over as soon as she was alone, without a single look behind him.

_"Perhaps he isn't completely human?" _She went to his side.

"We only found bodies. Get on," he ordered. She grabbed at the saddle pad, and swung herself up behind the saddle. R.D scraped her foot a little, but otherwise showed no signs of discomfort at the added weight.

The formation started moving again, having collected an additional twenty bodies that had been whole enough to freight home. Those who had families would be delivered to their kin, and the others would be burned at the headquarters. Once all their identities had been confirmed, a message would be sent to Mitras, where a scribe would add their names to The Wall. The Wall was a massive stone slab made of white quartz that had been polished until it was smooth and shiny. It stood placed in the central gardens inside Mitras, surrounded by hackberry bushes whose flowers were as white as the stone slab itself. Names had been carved into the smooth stone's surface, one for every soldier who had given their life in the line of duty since the survey corps had been founded. It was meant to be a monument to heroism, so that all who looked upon it would be reminded of how the survey corps were willing to suffer anything for the sake of humanity. But instead it had become a pillar of shame and futility, and the few visitors it saw were usually mourners who spent their tears on the soil below it.

Iris had seen it many times. She used to go there and read the names, try to memorize them. She'd see people sharing the same last name on there, and wondered if they'd been related; perhaps even brothers, sisters or spouses. She liked hackberry bushes as well, they smelled nice when they were flowering.

"You're too emotional." Levi's voice interrupted her musings. She stirred behind him, realising she'd been resting against him as they rode. Her earlier suspicion and anger towards him felt childish now, at the end of a day that had taken so much from them - From him.

"Sorry sir, what did you say?" He clicked his tongue.

"Never relax while you're in the field, whelp. You're too emotional. If you want to be a soldier you need to learn to harden yourself, or you will end up making shitty mistakes that will get people killed." She thought he was done then, but he sighed and added: "_You_ should never have become a soldier." His words stung.

"But I want to make a difference," she argued, hearing herself how feeble her statement sounded.

"Almost no one gets what they want, that's just how it is. As my subordinate, you will need to do better."

"You're not going to reassign me?"

"Are you deaf? I hate repeating myself." He sounded irritated.

"No sir, I heard."

"Then stop asking questions." She did just that, and shut her mouth for the rest of the ride.

They were approached by Petra's father as they rode through Karanes. The man blustered over the letter he'd gotten from his daughter where she told of how much she respected her captain, and how proud she was to be hand picked by him. The man expressed disappointment over how she had decided to devote her life to the military, since she was so young. Levi barely seemed able to look at the man. His face might not betray much, but the lack of expression was also a confession in itself.

Iris felt a dull ache in her heart when she thought of how that smile would linger on the father's face as the formation rode through. Even when most of them had ridden past, the man would be smiling, hoping to trade some words with his daughter. Only when they had all passed him by would that smile die on his lips, and that light in his eyes would fade and turn into a look of despair. His mind would both try to comprehend that his daughter would not be coming home again, and fight against the realisation that she was dead. Because once you accepted that someone you loved had died, grief was your only friend. Grief would tell you to curl up in the loneliness of your house. To stop moving, stop speaking, stop dreaming. Grief would tell you to give in to the nothingness, lay down, and wait for a day when you could be reunited with those who would never return.

After they'd ridden into the courtyard of their base she very discretely steadied Levi as he dismounted. She was ordered to help tend to the horses before helping herself to her supper. Most of the recruits from the 104th were commanded to the stables to remove and clean the horse's tack and check them for injuries before feeding and turning them in for the night. Despite all the familiar faces, no one seemed to feel like talking. Eren had been helped up to his room so he could rest, and Armin was being seen to by the medics in the section of the castle reserved for the sick and injured.

Iris found herself in the tack room together with Bertholdt, who seemed to be doing his best not to look at her.

"How are you getting along?" she asked him, uneasy with the silent tension between them. He looked up at her.

"I'm okay. Just wondering what's going to happen now." He always spoke very softly, she thought.

"Me too. I really hope we don't have to hand Eren over to the MP's..." she sighed.

"No, that would complicate things," he agreed.

"Bertholdt, do you mind if I ask you why you changed your mind and decided to join the corps?" He looked to be contemplating his answer as he hung another set of tack on its hook.

"I suppose," he began, looking at his feet. "I was completely set on the military police because I thought it would be the best place for me. I've always wanted to serve... When Reiner told me he had decided to join the survey corps I was against it, because I thought he was forgetting himself to follow you." He looked up, and she thought he looked like he was ashamed of what he'd told her. "I can't really blame him, he's always been very committed to everything, but I thought he was making a mistake. After Trost I realised that the survey corps were where I'd be needed as well. There really isn't anything else to it. I'm just here to fulfil my duty."

"There's no shame in duty," she said, trying to figure out what it was about his words that bothered her. "Do you think ill of me?"

"Oh, I don't know about that. Many shameful things are done in the name of duty. Many good things too, I imagine. And no, I think you might be a good person, Iris."

She felt there was a _'but' _in there somewhere, but he said nothing more. Bertholdt had always confused her slightly. He was not one to speak his mind, and when asked a question about himself he'd always give you a vague answer. He was reclusive and secretive, but Reiner's claim that he was "just shy" had always seemed a little off to her.

Later, Iris stepped through the doorway into her sleeping quarters, and immediately knew Reiner hadn't been in there since this morning. Her big closet was up against the wall at the foot of her bed, the dresser was against the opposite wall with a wooden chair next to it. Apart from her bed, those were her only furnishings, and the room looked naked and cold. But beyond that the wooden floor could feel very cold to walk on when barefoot, she didn't much care.

She grabbed a change of clothing, and stuffed it under her shirt. Then she crossed her arms to tuck in and conceal the bulge, and left her room behind. Silently, she padded through the hallway down to Reiner's door. A trickle of light streamed out from underneath it, so he was probably inside. Quietly, she gave a soft knock on the door, and waited for him to open it for her. She heard movement, and the floorboards creaked under his weight. Then he cracked the door open, and peered out at her. When he recognised her he swung the door open and pulled her inside before shutting it behind them softly.

"How many times do I need to tell you that you can just step right in?"

"It's polite to knock," she protested, and took her clothes out, placing them on top of his dresser. Reiner made a humming sound behind her back.

"Staying the night, are you?" He sounded slightly amused.

"I'll leave if you want me to," she replied, testing. She felt him step up behind her, and then she felt his hands slip up beneath her shirt, hugging her from behind.

"On the contrary, I might have to hold you down if you try to leave," he breathed into her ear. His breath felt both cool and hot against her neck, and she felt goosebumps rise on her forearms. She leaned back against him.

"You did not show up for dinner."

"No. I helped unload the bodies off the wagons. Didn't feel much like eating after that. What a mess, and it was all for nothing," he said mournfully. She turned in his arms so she could look upon him. Those dark circles made him look older. Well those, and his height, broad chest and well developed muscles. Iris put her hands up to his face, cupping his cheeks. She let her thumbs brush over those dark circles, as if to try to wipe them off, but they remained. She felt the stirring inside.

"They thought I might be a titan shifter," she said. His eyes widened considerably, and then there was a look on his face that almost looked like disguised amusement.

"Really? You're about the last person in the world I'd suspect that of." His eyes were like molten gold.

_"I almost lost you today. You said you were not in danger but you lie, we're always in danger. You're not invincible, when are you going to get that through your thick skull? You're so stupid sometimes..."_

"I think I've been cleared now... you know, you could at least try not to sound like the bare thought of it is ridiculous," she pouted. He flashed a coy grin.

"Eren came out of his titan with a brand new arm and leg, remember. His skin's smooth as a baby's bottom. Last time I saw, you still had your scars."

"But that was this morning," she breathed, "maybe you need to look again?" But instead of waiting for his response, she grabbed the hem of that muddy green shirt of his, and pulled it over his head. She heard a strangled laugh from within the tangled shirt, and he put his arms up to try and wrestle free. Grinning smugly at his struggle, she undid his belt.

_"Thank the gods he's not wearing all those damned leather straps. Me fumbling around with all that would probably be incredibly un-enticing. If only I'd had the wits to remove my own..."_

Reiner emerged from his shirt and noticed the look on her face. Then his eyes fell to the leather straps across her chest, and his eyes glimmered knowingly. She gave him a dark look, letting her eyes linger on his naked chest and abs only for a moment, before she turned around to wage war on her equipment. The easy part was undoing the strap across her chest and shrugging off the harness around her shoulders. Once that was done with, she tossed her shirt aside, and stole a glance at her stomach. Yup, two faded scars from where a knife had penetrated her body all the way through were still visible there. The slightly more tricky part was loosening the straps around her waist and legs so she could slip them down over her hips. Getting the bloody thing off was nothing compared to putting it on though, that would require a lot of practice to get good at. She finally managed to get them down to her knees, so she kicked her boots off and let the harness fall to the floor. Then she unbuttoned her trousers, slid them down to her knees, and then did a little dance trying to get her feet out of them.

When she was completely off balance, she felt Reiner shove her forward so she went sprawling across his bed, face down into his blankets. Then, as she scolded him with her mouth full of fabric, she felt him pull her trousers off. Then she felt him lean over her from behind, and with his husky voice he whispered into her ear:

"You looked like you could use some help." She felt his hands on her hips. "I'll help you with these too." He pulled off her panties.

She turned her head to the side, glaring up at him through the corner of her eye. He was naked. A sense of perversity crept over her, where she lay on her stomach with her naked bottom and crotch exposed. He leaned over her, steadied himself on his left arm, and undid her bra hooks with his right hand. She saw the muscles tense in his arm as it took on his weight. When he stood back up, she rolled over to her back, and weaselled out of her bra. She saw his eyes move over her naked body with a boldness he was still easing himself into. The light reflected off his strong muscles, every inch of him lean and strong. Like hers, his pubic hairs were dark. She wondered if it was like that for all blonde people. She'd heard someone say once that redheads had red hair down there, but she didn't know if she believed it.

She crawled back, less sexy and smooth than she would have liked but he ought to be used to that by now, until she was sat in the middle of his mattress. He followed her, easing himself in between her slightly parted thighs. Their lips met, light kisses that seemed to wash away the memories of soldiers smeared on trees by a massive, blonde titan. His kiss tasted sweet upon her lips, and she ran a hand through his blonde hair.

_"I thought I liked dark hair."_

He cupped one of her round breasts in his hand, and ran his thumb across her nipple, making the nerve endings somewhere far down, deep inside her tingle.

"So, am I still scarred?" she murmured in between kisses.

"Yes, you are. And still pretty." His voice was soft and tender, and his hand went from her breast to her back, caressing her spine. "They're just scars, Iris."

"You keep saying that," she smiled, but she actually believed that they meant nothing to him. She had never thought she could be considered desirable. It was a good feeling. She squirmed closer to him, running her hand up his chest across his hard muscles. Her insides stirred hotly. She let one of her hands wander down to her sex, and felt the wetness there. His eyes followed, and he looked almost a little shy when he saw her touch herself. Then she grabbed his hand, and guided it there instead.

"You know," he said hoarsely, "sometimes I almost think you only want me for my body." He slipped two of his fingers inside her. She moaned quietly and pushed against him. Then she raised her hand and grabbed his chin firmly.

_"Who could see you like this, and not want you?"_

"I want you to fuck me."

"Don't you mean 'make sweet love' or whatever they call it?" Surprise mixed with amusement on his face, but she could see the hunger in his eyes.

"No," she said sharply, "I want you to fuck me like there is no tomorrow." A wicked smile played at his lips, but then she seemed to surprise him again when she drew back, went to her knees, and turned around. "Like this," she said firmly.

"Bossy," he smirked and put one hand on her breast from behind, and she could feel his erection brush against her buttocks as he adjusted himself behind her. Her body jolted as he pushed himself inside her, and she cried out. There was a hint of pain as he pushed deeper in her than he ever had before, but the feeling mixed with her pleasure and her excitement, and she didn't want him to stop so she squirmed against him. He thrust in her, and she thought how this felt different than anything they had done before. This felt harder, raw and animalistic. Her hands clenched, her fingers arched like talons as she moaned with every thrust.

_"Don't leave me."_

"Pull my hair," she commanded him, and he only hesitated for a heartbeat before he grabbed her braid. Pulling it he wrenched her head to the side, and the burning in her scalp sent little shocks through her nerve endings. Her climax came almost without warning, and with such intensity it was almost painful. She cried out loudly, shivering with sweat dripping down her forehead and down the back of her thighs. She heard him chuckle as she writhed against him, and before long he shuddered and spent himself inside her. His grip on her hair relaxed.

She let herself fall forward, down onto the sheets which felt cool against her warm skin. She turned on her side, with her back close to the wall, and he drooped down beside her.

"Did that hurt?"

"A little, but in a good way." She smiled.

"I think I know you, and then words like that come out of your mouth." He both looked and sounded baffled.

"Too much?" She attempted to raise just one of her eyebrows, with moderate success.

"No, I like it when you curse, and say things like 'fuck me'... although it kind of reinforced my theory that you're only using me for sex," he jested. Iris put her hand on his chest, and felt his strong heartbeat underneath her palm. That warmth in her chest was still there. Her eyes met his, and she did not want to look away.

_"I love you."_

"Would that be so bad?"

"Well," he looked at her quizzically, "if that's all you want me for you may not take kindly to me stealing you away one of these days." His words puzzled her because while it sounded like a jest, he did not say it in that way. She decided she was just reading too much into it however, and edged closer to him. He put his arm out, and she placed her head on it, wrapping her left arm around him.

"Oh it doesn't sound too bad... I almost forgot, you said you had something you wanted to talk about this morning?" She felt the wetness on her thigh where some of his seed had dribbled down. Sex was rather messy, but she didn't care.

"Ah that. I hoped we'd get one step closer to home, but the mission failed so it doesn't matter now."

"... If things had been different, would you have introduced me to your mother?" She awaited his reply nervously, regretting that she'd asked that. In her mind, Levi whispered: _"You're too emotional. You need to harden yourself," _and she thought that she was going to try.

"Yeah, I would." There was tenderness in his voice, and he draped his arm around her. "You like stories, don't you?"

She nodded, and wondered silently if there really were people in the world who didn't like stories.

But the story he told her was dark and sad. It was about a place called Eldia, and told of the struggle between two ancient nations, the Eldians and the nation of Marley. At first the Eldians enslaved the world using the nine powers that their leader had made a pact with the devil to attain. But then they fought amongst each other, and a Marleyan hero rose up to overthrow them. He made peace with one of the nine holders of power, and defeated the other eight. But the king of the Eldian people, who had the most dangerous power of them all, called his people to him and fled somewhere far away. The Marleyan people, together with one of the Eldian clans put the world back to order, and the remaining Eldian people vowed to repent for a thousand years of atrocities by serving Marley loyally. The seven remaining powers were put under the supervision of Marley, and were only granted to those who were just, loyal and true to their cause.

But the evil Eldian king had threatened that one day he would unleash his terrible power, and lay waste to the entire world. So the Marleyan chose a group of loyal Eldian children, and bestowed upon them the ancient powers; making Marleyan warriors of them. They were then sent to the land where the evil king ruled, tasked to steal back the ancient power he had so that the world would be safe. It was not easy, and the victory came at a high price, but they managed to take back the power from the king. After that, they defeated the king in battle, broke his kingdom and annihilated his people. Then, finally, the remaining Eldian people had atoned for the sins of their forefathers.

After Reiner had told her the end of the story, Iris just stared at the ceiling for a little while, digesting it all.

"But," she said after mulling over it for a while, "if it's a story of good versus evil - Why was no one good in the story?"

"I don't know," Reiner replied solemnly. "Wouldn't the Marleyan people be the good ones?"

"Well, no. If they were good people they would have punished the king and spared his people, at least the innocent ones. That would have made it into a better story"

"What if no one in the story was innocent?" He looked at her quizzically.

"There's no such thing as cursed blood," she argued, "the kids at least were innocent at some point... Why did your mother tell you such a story anyway?

_"My father used to tell me dark stories as well."_

"I think," Reiner mused thoughtfully, "she wanted to make sure I knew how to do the right thing."

"She would be proud of you now then," she murmured. Reiner buried his face in her hair.

"Yes, she would be."


	14. 13

_"It's dawn."_ Through her closed lids she could sense a dull morning light. At first she thought she heard only silence, but the more she listened, the more she became aware of a low rumbling coming from all around her. She tried to pinpoint what the sound was, but it was difficult. It reminded her of a time she had been to the mountains in the winter. It had been so cold she had wrapped a scarf around her head and face to shield her from the chill. As the gusts of wind had swept over her and thrummed against the fabric, she'd heard a humming that reminded her of the sound she was hearing now.

She opened her eyes... and saw dark, heavy fabric above. The roof of a tent? She sat up, and realised she had been lying on a few blankets on the ground. The light inside the tent was dull. She was fully dressed, but the clothes were not her own. These were filthy, old and sand coloured. She stood, but had to hunch over slightly because the tent was so small. With her one hand she brought the entrance flap aside, and stepped out. A hazy, barren landscape spread out around her, no matter which direction she turned in. Over at the horizon the world seemed to fade into white mist. The sun was coming up.

Turning her eyes to the sun, she saw the shape of a man standing far away. A silent whispering in her bones and her blood made her convinced it was Reiner she saw there in the distance. For a moment she remained silent and still, looking to him where he stood, facing towards the rising sun.

Facing away from her.

She thought that he had never looked so beautiful, nor quite so lonely before. It made her sad to see him in this desolate place. He should be surrounded by people, not alone. He didn't fare well alone... She hurried towards him, but though she walked and walked he still looked to be so far away. She started running, but her feet were only treading air. So instead she threw her hand out, reaching for him, calling his name.

But her shout was but a whisper, and the deep, strange humming of the world seemed to swallow her words. Something wet splashed down from her chin to her chest, and she realised that she was weeping.

**The day after the 57th expedition - Year 850**

_"A dream," _she thought as she awoke, _"I've been having such sad dreams."_

She had rolled off Reiner's arm during the night, and had been sleeping with her back to him. Now she rolled back over though, and edged up close to him. He looked younger when he slept, she thought. Those tight muscles around his eyes and brows were relaxed, and his mouth was not pressed together in a hard line. Right now, he looked like a teenage boy of seventeen. In a better world he would have looked like a teenage boy all the time, she thought, and played with the thought as she had so many times before. She wondered what it had been like if there had been no titans, and he was just a boy from her neighbourhood. Would they even know each other then?

"Do you often stare at me while I'm asleep?" He opened his eyes drowsily.

"I had a bad dream."

"What about?" He stretched a little. The sheets rustled, and the wooden bed frame creaked. She felt sad.

_"You."_

"I can't remember," she lied. There was no way to explain to him why the dream had been so sad, because she didn't know herself. But thinking of it made something inside her ache.

"A lie," he smiled crookedly. "I can still tell whenever you lie. You never did get any good at it."

"Shouldn't you be upset I lied to you?"

"What's a little white lie? Nothing really. You probably just dreamt that I had an accident and became disfigured, and then you had to like me even though I was ugly." His eyes glimmered. "We're all liars Iris."

"Oh," she blinked innocently, "what have you lied about? Were I not your first?" She told herself she would not care if she wasn't. The question was more in jest than in seriousness. Like he said, little white lies did not matter much... Like why he and Bertholdt would meet in the dead of night... She did not care to think about that right now.

"It wasn't blatantly obvious that you were? I'm flattered..." He pondered for a little while. "Remember the time I told you that you don't make silly faces when you read? Well.. you do, silly, adorable faces. Sometimes in class, I'd just look at you instead of studying." Reiner's voice was soft and slow. He touched her face, brushed her cheek with his thumb.

"I've been lying to myself too. I kept urging you to stay back, kept wanting to stand in front and shield you, because I told myself that you needed me. It felt good to be that person for you. But it's a lie. You're strong, so much stronger than you think. You're good too, not just a pretender, but genuinely good."

"You're a boy, and a silly one at that. What would you know about what a girl needs?" she smiled teasingly. _"I love you, do not say that I don't need you. I do."_

Iris propped herself up on her elbow fully intent on a make out session and some groping, morning breath and tousled hair be damned, when a knock on the door made her flinch. She locked eyes with Reiner, who motioned for her to hide underneath the blankets. She crept down, making sure to be completely hidden as she heard Reiner look through their clothing on the floor before shoving all her clothing underneath the blankets with her. A moment later she heard him open his door, and greet someone.

_"Did he just answer the door naked? No... of course not."_

She heard whomever it was at the door relay some orders, and then she heard Reiner shut it again. She peeked out from underneath the blankets, and saw that he'd put some underwear and his green shirt on. He went back over to her.

"We've been ordered to dress in civilian clothing and report to the stables. They're sending us on some recon mission, he said." Iris sat, and climbed to her feet, lips puckered with disappointment. Reiner looked at her up and down, sighed and pulled her in, squeezing her butt cheeks with his hands. "You better put some clothes on quickly, before I give in to temptation," he murmured with that raspy, throaty quality his voice gained when he was turned on. She battled with herself. The soldier in her wanted to hurry down to the yard by the stables and pray to whatever gods that no one had noticed she wasn't in her room, and had pieced together where she had been instead. But at the same time she wanted to wrap herself around him, kiss him and rub herself against him. She wanted him to do that thing with his mouth and his tongue again that had felt so wrong, but so good at the same time.

Finally, the soldier in her won, and with a sullen scowl on her face she pulled away from him. She turned, and bent over, knowing very well the view she presented him with, and picked her underwear up from the bed. She heard him sigh as she dressed, but then he followed by her example. Not caring about folding he crinkled up his muddy green shirt and shoved it into one of the drawers in his dresser. Then he donned that graphite grey button up shirt of his that she found so depressing, and his dark trousers.

She swept past him, hugging him from behind briefly on her way, and then poked her head out the door to make sure no soldiers were by her bedroom door, waiting for her to answer from within. With quick and silent steps she scurried down the hall and slipped into her room to dress in a plain black shirt and a pair of trousers. She found Reiner waiting outside when she was done, and together they headed down to the bottom floor.

The stairs outside the main entrance were slick with morning dew, and as the sun poked through the clouds to cast a shy light down upon them, the steps glimmered like gemstones. The air was cool and fresh, smelling of wet grass.

"This makes me uneasy," Reiner said with his voice lowered. "Why are we riding out without our equipment?"

"How should I know?"

"Don't you at least have a theory?" he peered at her.

"No," she stated, yawned and stretched. "Actually I do. My theory is that the commander has some kind of plan."

"It wouldn't harm you to be a bit more suspicious. Going along with plans without knowing your part in them could leave you in a very dangerous position one day." His mouth was tight.

"They wouldn't send us out wearing civilian clothing if we were expected to fight, so that means we're going somewhere safe."

"Unless you expect every possible outcome of a scenario, something unexpected might happen," he said darkly. She frowned, chewing her lip.

"Like what?"

Just as Reiner opened his mouth to answer her question, Gelgar from Mike Zacharias's squad strode up to them at a brisk pace. He looked like he'd been awake for hours already.

"Bachmann, you will report to captain Levi. You are not to come with us." She felt a tug of unease inside.

"Yes sir," she replied stiffly, "do you know where I might find the captain?"

"They will be awaiting the arrival of the Military police brigade in the dining hall. Braun, saddle your horse. We ride out in ten minutes."

They watched Gelgar hurry off, crossing something off from list he held in his hands. Next to her, Reiner tensed. A look of mistrust was on his face.

"This is wrong," he said, his voice hard and strained. "They shouldn't be keeping you here but sending us off."

"I agree, it is a bit odd." He gave her a long, hard look. She noticed that he hadn't buttoned his shirt all the way up. With how broad he was over the shoulders, most shirts would probably be uncomfortably tight around his throat if he buttoned them all the way up. His adam's apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed.

"Iris," he began, hesitated, sighed and continued, "ah, never mind that for now." He grabbed her shoulders, bent forward and kissed her forehead.

_"Morning breath can go bugger itself," _she thought and wrapped her arm around his neck before pressing her lips to his. A heartfelt kiss, it was, and it ended too soon.

"I'll see you soon?" she asked, her voice tremulous. She did not want him to go. _"Stay with me, don't leave." _But he had to.

"I'll see you soon." His voice was low and coarse. They shared one last embrace, then Reiner walked down the stony path towards the stables, turned around the corner of the southern tower; and then he was gone.

_"It is those we live with and love and should know who elude us."_ \- Norman Maclean


	15. 14

_"No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks."_ \- Mary Wollstonecraft

**Year 850 - Stohess district**

Her breath came out in little puffs of white smoke, writhing in the air before her eyes until it dissipated, faded. She flexed the muscles in her left cheek and was rewarded with hot, searing pain. She raised her hand to it, and her cool skin against the swollen apple of her cheek felt soothing. But there was an unmistakeable tremor in her arm. Whenever someone asked, she would tell them that she was fine, that they should worry about themselves. It is a lie though, _she is not fine_. Another breath, another white stream of smoke rising. She flexed her toes inside her boots, and only the sensation of her icy toes against the balls of her feet let her know that they were moving, bending. She could not feel them anymore. The darkness felt as if it threatened to lean into her, pushing back the light from the lamp they had brought.

_"I wonder how deep underground we are. I could probably scream at the top of my lungs, and no one at the surface would hear me. All that dark soil around us just outside these walls would just swallow the sound of my voice. Once we leave, this place will become a tomb... We could bury her down here forever, and no one would ever know."_

"Should you not be upstairs for the meeting, captain?" Her words bounced against the naked walls, jumping back and forth and lending a ghostly quality to her voice.

"As if I'd want to listen to those fat pigs squealing? _Tch_, politics. We will know what happened soon enough." His voice produced a dull, stale sound down here. As if he was speaking through a sheet of cloth, no echo.

Iris looked towards her feet, and could see her chest rise and fall with every breath. It is natural to breathe, fast or slow, deep or shallow. Yet only two of the three people present in this musty, dark dungeon still drew breath. The lamp light flickered, making the shadows dance across the walls. There was no wind to rile the flame that she could tell. Yet the fire stirred, the flame rose up tall and hungry one moment, and shrunk back fading the next. The massive black shadow behind the object in the center of the room shuffled, grew longer against the wall, and drew back, darkening in its retreat.

"Come, this place is depressing." Levi turned, his footsteps echoing as he made for the door. She followed silently behind him, still keeping her eyes cast down towards the floor. Her joints produced dry, creaking sounds as she moved. Hot air rushed in through the door as the captain swung it open, and a range of different smells wafted down towards them. Iris thought she recognized the appetizing scent of barley stew, and her stomach growled.

"I did not realise how stale the air was down there," she murmured as she climbed the steps leading up to the bottom floor.

"The bitch is going to have to come out if she wants to file a complaint."

Iris had been letting her eyes follow a crack in the wall to her right during their ascent. It looked deep, she thought. Perhaps one day, if the ground decided to quake like some said it did at times, this entire structure would crumble and collapse in on itself on the account of this one crack. Long and jagged, it reminded her of a weeping wound.

"Did you just... was that a joke?" She stared uncomprehendingly at the remaining three steps in front of her. She could not remember that she had stopped moving. The captain did not deem it necessary to answer her, but he waited silently at the top of the stairs for her to find her wits again and get moving.

They waited inside the small, empty mess hall inside the base the MP's held in the district. Though the smell of their supper still lingered, no food was offered to the soldiers from the survey corps. Sullen looks, whispers and snarky remarks behind their backs was all they supped on that evening. Iris stared at the table in front of her, following the lines in the wood as if hoping to find some clarity there. But what she was really doing was trying to think of anything but Annie down there in the cellar. Quiet, still... but not dead.

Thomas, one of Zacharias's squad members was the one who arrived carrying the news that titans had been spotted inside rose. With just a few dark words, he shattered what little peace and acceptance she had managed to accumulate after having to face that Annie was... what exactly? The enemy? A monster? And now she was forced to endure knowing that Reiner and the others were out there in titan territory, _unarmed_.She huddled by the table, looking down as she tried to hide her tremors.

Two hours later they were on their way to Ehrmich district in a hurry. Her teeth clattered as the cart rattled noisily across the uneven pavestones, and the sound of iron horseshoes echoed between the houses. Hange and her were sitting close enough for their shoulders to nudge against each other with the rocking of the cart. Though the woman was her superior, and not unkind at all, the touch made Iris's muscles twitch with unease. Rolling out of Stohess the world around them grew quieter. The rider's torch hummed as the flame burned and flickered, but apart from that only the pale stars in the sky were there to light their way. Iris looked to one of the larger stars, surrounded by a cluster of smaller ones. It seemed to glimmer vaguely, so close but so incredibly far away at the same time.

She heard the others talking, but their speech blended together into an incomprehensible murmur to her. Armin and Hange seemed to be theorizing about the origin of the walls, something about fixing Maria... Eren fixing Maria. She didn't listen. There just wasn't any space left inside her head for their musings and their theories. She was full to the brim, about to spill over like a bucket underneath a tap that someone had forgotten to turn off. The cart hit a bump in the road, and loose strands of hair fell across her eyes but she barely noticed.

"Iris?" Armin's voice.

_"Leave me alone."_

"Is there something wrong? You're very pale..."

_"Sure, ask the girl if she is alright. No one ever asks the men, do they? Always the poor, emotional women in need of some coddling... _**_It_**_ must showing on my face, my damned, treacherous face."_

"Just a headache. Don't worry about me."

"He's right you know," Hange chimed in. "You're such a pale little thing. If you're going to pass out, let us know so you don't fall out of the cart." She sounded almost cheerful. At a time like this.

_"Annie, I don't want to think about you anymore." _She closed her eyes. _"... I hope there are no gods. Just the thought of them make me tremble..." _She put her face in her hands.

No one knew yet that Reiner and Bertholdt were from the same village as Annie. An innocent little secret entrusted to her during a candid moment over a year ago. Her bucket was full, but the tap kept on pouring, careless that the floor underneath her feet was growing wet. Beneath her the wagon clattered, and the wood moaned and grumbled like an old crone complaining about the damp.

Sounds drifting through the night announced their impending arrival upon the gate to Ehrmich district. A deep, rumbling murmur of hundreds of lowered voices reached her ears. A child's high pitched wail cut like a knife through the air, being muffled a moment later as if a hand had been laid across a small mouth somewhere. That, or perhaps a well intended slap had silenced the screamer. As they rolled closer she could see the people flooding through the gate, clasping their most cherished belongings, holding up their torches and lanterns, moving slowly like pale ghosts.

"This will be it for us; I'm leaving the rest of it to you. Erwin decided the rest of you will work as an improvised team, got that Armin? Keep using that head of yours together with Hange." Levi's tone was dark, as were his eyes. The injured soldier, being left behind.

"Y-yes sir!" Armin stammered nervously.

"Mikasa, use all your skills to protect Eren." As if Mikasa needed to be told, but she swore to anyway. "I don't know why you're so attached to Eren... But control yourself. Don't mess up again."

As if words could keep Mikasa from throwing herself in the way of danger for Eren. As if oaths and promises forged some kind of chain that could not be broken.

They pushed their way through the gate, making the crowds part before them as they ploughed through with their horses and their wagon. The minister stared at the masses in silent awe, as if he had not expected there to be so many people on the run. Or perhaps he had not expected the horror he saw in their faces, or how harshly the tugged at unruly children, leaving the old and the sick behind to fend for themselves.

During the clean up after the battle for Trost they had found that inside the larger clinics, many patients had been left behind as people fled. Iris had not been to any of them herself, but she had heard a soldier from the garrison tell his friend of what his unit had been sent to clean up. He had been a man well over forty with a weathered face, bearded and rough featured with a bald spot at the back of his head. Big and broad with large hands and a deep grumbling voice. When he described what they found inside the ruins of a clinic that had served as a birthing center, there had been tears in his eyes.

They stopped by the barn beside one of the small military offices inside Ehrmich, and Levi unceremoniously pushed the minister off the wagon, herding him along with them. While Levi had a muttered conversation with the minister, Iris followed behind Hange as the rest of the group went to the other side of the barn where saddled horses awaited them. Strands of her hair hung down across her face, and they swung back and forth like pendulums before her eyes as she walked. It tickled as the hairs brushed against her eyelashes.

All of them changed into their combat gear in silence, all of them except for her. Iris just stood helplessly with her hands balled into tight fists, feeling the bucket inside of her overflowing; the water now beginning to rise over her feet. A soldier hurried to Hange and handed her a bunch of papers, which the woman immediately started reading through.

"I see," Hange finally uttered after what felt like a long time. "The results of Annie's background check came in. It looks like two others from the 104th were born in the same region as her. Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover."

So there it was. The secret was out now, but it meant nothing. Like Reiner had said, Annie had always disliked him; they were not friends or even friendly. They were from the same place, that's all they had in common, nothing else. She tried to swallow but her mouth was so try her throat just closed up instead.

"Because of the chaos five years ago, all the family records were in rough shape. The documents were so poorly managed that it took us until now to figure this out. Those two were also part of the group that was falsely informed that Eren's position during the expedition would be on the top right of the formation. Annie Leonhart, the female titan attacked our right flank... Of course, that doesn't prove anything on its own, but just in case... I'd like to know about the relationship between those three during their time in the training corps. What are your thoughts?" She looked to each of them in turn.

None of the others could place them being friendly with Annie, or acting suspicious. Iris just felt more and more cold. They turned, and were all looking at her now.

"Annie never liked Reiner much. Sure, they interacted when necessary as soldiers." Her lips formed the words, her throat and tongue unleashed them. Little golden truths they were, those words. _Maybe she was finally beginning to understand how to lie._ "Reiner... He is good, and kind. He is always doing stupid things for others, when he should be thinking more about himself. Does that sound like a traitor to you?"

Were they all so eager to call him a traitor? And Bertholdt too, did he really strike them as someone who would have the stomach for killing innocent people?

"...As a member of the 104th, I don't think there's a strong reason to suspect them. Putting aside Bertholdt, who's always quiet, Reiner's like an older brother to most of us. And he doesn't seem cunning enough to deceive people." She was glad to see Eren take Reiner's side.

"I feel that way too," Armin joined in. "Reiner fought against Annie together with me and Jean. Reiner was even near being crushed to death and-" Armin's voice faltered. When he took up speaking again, his words made her feel sick. Annie had changed direction after that encounter it seemed; perhaps Reiner had carved directions into her hand.

That's how quickly the tide could turn. That's how quickly your friends could turn their backs on you it seemed. The background check had dug a hole for a traitor to lie in, and every single word coming out of Armin's mouth was another nail in his coffin. No one said it out loud, but the look they all shared spoke of a quiet understanding.

All except Eren.

"Why the hell would you say something like th-"

"Eren!" Hange interrupted. "No, everyone. Listen to me. If we do find Reiner and Bertholdt, don't make them think we suspect them. And don't even mention the existence of Annie Leonhart. Whether they are guilty or not, we need to lead them somewhere deep underground and confine them there."

Iris could feel her heart flickering inside her chest as if a small, frightened animal was trying to claw its way out of her ribcage. The numbing indifference she had been battling ever since they captured Annie was gone. They were all talking as if there was even the slightest possibility that this was all true. They didn't know Reiner, if they did they should know he would never do anything like that. He had a will like nothing she had ever seen, if he set his mind to something that was the way it would be. And he was set on being a soldier, fighting to save humanity, to be able to return home. Not some traitor or some... _Just, no_.

They were moving around her, talking to Minister Nick. So fast, everything was moving so fast and she found it difficult to keep up.

"... was caught up in a conflict in the blood line thee years ago... she is now in hiding under a false name. She doesn't know it at this time, but... She knows the secret of the wall and possesses the right to choose to reveal it in public. I heard that she entered the survey corps this year. Her name is... Christa Lenz."

This revelation brought on a chain reaction in which everyone started scurrying around to get themselves ready to go. Iris stood frozen on her spot, not really understanding the conversation she had just heard. Then she realised they were all mounted up. They were leaving.

"Wait, Eren!" she shouted, and ran towards his horse. His head whipped around, and they locked eyes. The torchlight flickered across his features, distorting them into a grim mask that reminded her of a painting that used to scare her when she was little. The man in the painting was sitting in a dungeon lit by torchlight, and behind him in the flickering light sat the shape of a thing. Its face lay in shadow, except for the contours of its cheekbones, and its hot, burning eyes. The painting was a metaphor, her father had said, but to her it had looked like a scary picture with a monster in it.

"If you find Reiner, please tell him-" she broke off... A chill crept through her as she realised she'd almost said: _"tell him I forgive him."_

Instead she reached out and touched Eren's knee. The touch felt strange and wrong. "Just, bring him home. Please."

"Of course he's coming back, it's Reiner we're talking about here!"

Her hands hung limp at her sides when they galloped off. Something inside of her was screaming for her to grab a horse, any horse, and ride after them. Just blast through the darkness, unarmed, with nothing except the clothes on her back. Instead she turned, and went to her captain's side. They led the minister inside the building and found it to be dark and deserted. They settled themselves inside a large office, and prepared to wait for the other troops. There were two sofas grouped with an armchair and a table to the right of the room, a desk which Levi seated himself behind. Minister Nick sagged down into the armchair and looked at least a decade older now than when they had set out a couple of hours ago.

Iris paced back and forth. Walked to one end of the room, turned, and walked back. The pain in her cheek added to the beating of her heart and she could feel her pulse in her fingertips. It was difficult to breathe. She did not know for how long she had been at it when Levi seemed to have had enough of it.

"The one they talked about, that's your special friend isn't it? The one you claimed is not a traitor. If you're so convinced of his innocence then stop wearing down the floorboards with that pathetic look on your face. Sit down, it's annoying."

"They are somewhere out there on the front lines without their gear," she argued but sat herself down on one of the sofas. The green velvet sofa was soft underneath her. Levi's flinty eyes were full of scrutiny.

"Can you fight him if you're wrong? Kill him?" The question seemed to suck the air from her lungs. She felt little pangs of pain inside her chest, as if someone inside were shoving searing hot needles into the soft tissue of her heart.

_"You said I don't need you, but you're wrong."_

"I-I will do my duty," he stuttered stiffly. "If it is my duty to assist in his capture, I will do so." His cold gray eyes were unreadable.

The troops finally arrived after a long, excruciating wait, and Iris realised that she saw the unicorn crest on the backs of about half the soldiers who had arrived. They met them outside as the long formation of soldiers came pouring into Ehrmich, lead by commander Erwin. Their commander had always made her uneasy, and today was no exception.

She found a set of equipment among the supplies the troops had brought along, and put it on even though Levi had not expressively ordered her to. He had asked if she could fight, so she thought to use that as an excuse. She had to get to Reiner somehow. She needed to talk to him, so they could sort all of this out. Whatever it was he had been hiding there had to be a perfectly sound explanation to it. They would talk, and then everything would be alright... _right?_

But her body kept shaking.

She climbed onto the wagon together with Levi and Minister Nick as the order to pull out was given, and off they went. Back to Trost. Back to where he'd held her hand while strolling down dark alleyways, and whispered to her that he wished they could go together to find a better place. Or perhaps he'd meant a better world. She had kissed him for the first time that night, but she had been thinking about doing it for months.

Iris had liked Reiner from the moment she met him. Many of the things she would be thinking, he would just simply say out loud, often with a wry smile on his lips. She thought too much about why the world was the way it was, but he would make her shake off those worries and live there and then. He smiled easily and often, chuckled, teased and could always coax a smile out of her. He'd made good on his promise to teach her to swear properly as well, and during their first sessions he'd said things so rude and foul she had blushed and hid her face in her hands. And when it had been her turn to try she had stuttered and stammered until he was rolling in the grass, choking with laughter and clutching at his sides.

They would sit outside during warm evenings, and she would read him her favorite poems, and he would tell her ghost stories. Some of them were so scary she found it hard to sleep for days afterwards, but she had always loved the scary stories. And she really liked it when just the two of them would sit together, talking as the hours went by. She had taught him how to climb trees, the kind that had no branches at the bottom, and it had always amazed her how he could climb like a cat despite being so tall and muscular.

He was brave, never afraid to try something new or challenge himself to do things he knew he wasn't good at. And even when faced with bad odds he never gave up but gave it everything he had. To her it had always seemed like his greatest strength and his greatest weakness, because he never knew when to stop. Getting himself involved in something too big for him to handle, but going down swinging - That's the kind of person he was. And she loved him for it.

_"No matter what happens," _she thought as their column of riders and carts approached the gates of Trost, _"I have to protect him from you." _She peered in between the riders to where commander Erwin sat atop his horse. _"And from you." _She looked at Captain Levi. The thought made her feel despicable.

The sun was coming up as the procession came to a halt. Levi was leaning back, seemingly not in a hurry to get off. The minister sat stiffly on the opposite side, doing his best not to look at the little man with the scary eyes. Iris felt the tension eating away at her, like the crows that had arrived to eat the dead after the battle of Trost. Were there crows out there now somewhere, flocking to poke at the remains of her comrades from the 104th? Titans inside the walls... they we unarmed... Reiner could be dead, and she wouldn't even know it yet.

_"If someone must die, let it not be him. Take everyone... take everything, but don't take him. Please." _She felt her lower lip tremble, so she bit it just to make sure the captain wouldn't see. She didn't notice Jean approach, and to be honest she had no memory of what she had been looking at, or thinking about before he showed up.

"Iris? Oi, Iris?!" He slammed his palm down on the wooden seat next to her. She turned to him, and watched him shrink back as their eyes met.

"Sina! You look like absolute shit. What the hell happened after you guys left? Where's Eren?"

"Ugh." She forced herself to stand, stretching her aching back. Her knees almost buckled when she leapt off the wagon and landed on the ground, but she managed to save face through sheer will somehow, straightening herself back up. "Water, I'm parched." She dragged Jean along by the elbow, ignoring his protests. She got a water bottle from the team handling the supplies, and drank deep as she shuffled to the side of the crowd. Once her belly felt full, she leaned into Jean, seeing his face contort with surprise.

"Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Hange and her team, they have all gone to the front lines. They were going to Utgerd castle where squad leader Mike, his team and the rest of the 104th are. Minister Nick said something about... bloodlines and secrets, he claims Christa holds the right to reveal the secret of the walls. I didn't understand any of it, but what is even worse..." She bit down as she realised her voice was about to tremble. _Not now._

"Jean... Bertholdt and Reiner, they're from the same village as Annie. They are suspected of being the colossal and the armored titans. Armin said that when Reiner fought Annie during the expedition that day... could he have written directions in her hand so she could find Eren?"

_"It's okay... I was never in any real danger" _Reiner's voice whispered inside of her. She felt water splashing around her waist as yet another searing hot needle was driven into her. Before the day was over, she would have drowned. Could you rise again after you had been drowned?

"Ah, shit. Yes, he could have." Groaning, he rubbed his eyes. "You don't really think Reiner could do this... right?"

Iris looked down at the outline of her left hand, remembering how small it looked when Reiner held it in his. His fingernails were always short and chipped. He also had these long and surprisingly slender finders, gentle, sometimes teasing.

"That's the problem," she whispered. "Reiner's incredibly naïve... give him the right reasons.." She couldn't finish her sentence.

"So many people have died. Just the thought that those two could have done that... and looked us in the eyes, pretended to fight with us. That's fucking disgusting. I'll want to see them for myself, because it all sounds like bullshit if you ask me. I mean why?! Why all this?!" He motioned around them, green cape flapping like a pair of injured wings around him. Iris grabbed him hard by the shoulders, seeing the whites of his eyes widen as she stared at him.

"Yes, _why_. Why is the world like this? If we are forced to fight them, if they try to take Eren, _the people like them, _Mikasa, Levi, Erwin; they will try to kill them, and we will learn nothing! We need them!"

Jean stepped back from her, shaking her hands off. His eyes were cool.

"Sorry Iris, but it's not like you're impartial in this. If they are guilty they are traitors, filth. We already have Annie."

"We don't even know if Annie is still alive," she argued. "Capture Reiner though, and I could trick him into talking to me. Just think of it."

He gave her a long look before he turned around and walked away. All she could do was stand there, and hope that she had at least made him consider the greater worth Reiner would have to them alive. Chewing her lip she turned, and caught a glimpse of herself in the reflection from the window behind her. She did look like shit. Dark circles under her eyes made her look gaunt, her hair dishevelled, with long strands having escaped the confines of her braid. Her cheek was swollen to about double its normal size, courtesy of the battle against Annie. Blood had pooled and clotted around the swelling, painting half her face in shades of blue, purple and green.

_"Who are you?" _she thought as she looked into the eyes of the woman staring back at her. _"You suspected this, didn't you? You saw what I didn't want to see. I just wanted the good, thinking I could let all the bad of this world just pass me by." _Drowning. She was drowning now.

Once she was back by Levi's side, she couldn't exactly remember how she got there. She could feel the captain's looks, yet her own eyes kept rendering the world out of focus. Her mind however was far away. Seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned into hours as she tried to push her anxiety back into its separate compartment box inside her. She could not succumb to panic, not know. She needed to be strong now.

The scouting teams returned, reporting no visible titan activity in the surrounding area. While most of the soldiers from the survey corps and military brigade breathed sighs of relief, several members of the MP's grumbled and complained. Why had they been dragged all the way out here in the middle of the night if there was no threat, one soldier wanted to know. The wall might be breached, half of what remained of humanity might perish in the next year or two, and Reiner... _gods, Reiner_... and that's what this soldier cared about; his beauty sleep. Her hand clenched, as if it longed to close around the hilt of a blade.

"Hey Levi" one of the idiots bawled to the captain, emboldened by the shared attitudes of his friends. "Where's our prey?" The captain turned to them, slowly craning his neck around until his stone cold grey eyes fixed upon the dimwit. The man visibly recoiled, taking one clumsy step back. The insolent look melted off his face in an instant.

"Huh, you fellows look awfully disappointed." Levi's voice was dull. "Sorry I couldn't set you up with any titans. You might be out of luck this time but there are plenty of chances to see them outside the walls... Why don't we start combining our forces, and face off against the titans together?" The soldiers mumbled as they retreated back, perhaps remembering why they chose the MP's to begin with - So they wouldn't have to deal with the likes of Levi. The sound of running footsteps made them all turn.

"**The advance party is back**! **_Someone tell commander Pixis!_**"

The garrison soldier collapsed on the ground, wheezing shallow breaths. He was completely soaked in his own sweat, and his dark hair clung to the contours of his head, dripping. With a mounting sense of dread, Iris drew closer to hear his words.

"W-we found... no holes or any other irregularities in the wall..." the man panted, his dry voice almost cracking. Commander Pixis hummed, urging the man on.

"B-but the situation has turned into an emergency! On our way to report to Trost district we encountered a survey corps team led by Hange. There were a number of unequipped recruits from the 104th with them. And among them, three of those soldiers... _they were titan shifters!_"

Everything became still for a moment. Every murmur quieted, every soldier held their breath. Iris felt cold prickles in her fingertips, her face, and her toes. Even though she had half expected it, the shock hit her like a ton of bricks, knocking the air from her lungs. She blinked over and over again as the world insisted on going out of focus. Through the haze, she heard Jean shouting. His voice echoed unnaturally, bouncing back and forth against the inside of her skull.

"What are you saying?! There were still three titans on that team?! WHO?!"

"Jean, wait." Erwin raised a hand and silenced Kirstein with one simple gesture. His frightening blue eyes were fixed on the garrison soldier on the ground, but she imagined she could hear the wheels in his mind turning, processing this new information and entering it into his register. Like a machine. "Once they were discovered, what happened?"

"The survey corps engaged the colossus titan and the armored titan, and by the time we joined the battle it was already over! They made off with the third shifter, one soldier and Eren Yeager!"

_"Made... off...?" _Her mind was so hazy. Made off as in... _"No, please no. He said we would see each other soon, they... they can't be gone."_

Commander Erwin straightened himself, and looked around at each of the faces of the soldiers by his side.

"We cannot let the titan shifters make off with Yeager! Get ready to ride out!" People rushed to obey, scattering in all directions to gather up supplies, saddle their horses and don their manuevering gear. Jean lingered by the commander's side. "Levi," Erwin looked to her captain. "Stay here with Nick until you hear back of our progress. Once you do, take him back to Stohess." He made a move to leave, and Jean and Iris hurried to follow him.

"No," Erwin's voice was as cold as it was sonorous. "Bachmann, you are not coming with us. Levi, keep her at your side." He kept walking. She stood, frozen in the spot trying to understand what the commander had just ordered. Stay here? No, she had to go after them. Her body shook as her mouth opened, lips moving but no words came. She willed her feet to move, one after the other. Her hand went out, reaching for the commander to hold him back.

She had to make him understand.

"No, commander Erwin! You need me! I need to-" Someone grabbed her arm from behind and held it in an iron grip, holding her back. She tried to yank free but the person was too strong. "Let me go! Erwin, stop, _you need to let me go!_" She struggled, raked at the person behind with her free arm, whipped her head around and saw that it was Levi holding her. She twisted in his grip, dropped and threw her leg out in a vicious kick. He dodged it, tugged her around with a quick jerk and wrenched her arm up behind her back.

She fought against him with all the strength she had in her, swiping, twisting and cursing, ignoring the mounting pain in her arm. She thrashed wildly to the side, and they both went tumbling over. She hit her chin hard on the ground, and went sprawling on her belly with the small but inhumanly strong man on top. Her arm wrenched up even further, and her muscles screamed in protest. Through the tears in her eyes she saw Erwin and Jean fully equipped, mounting their horses now.

"Take me with you!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. "I have to go, let me go!" her voice cracked, and her throat felt like an open wound. She screamed "No!" over and over again, louder and louder until her own head felt like splitting. Jean looked at her as he turned his horse, a mixture of pity and disgust in his eyes. She threw her free hand up, reaching towards him.

_"Don't go please, you have to take me with you... They will try to kill him... I have to go, I have to protect him. You can't leave me here!" _She screamed to him inside her mind, yet her mouth seemed to have forgotten all words except 'no'. Jean gave her one last pained look, turned away from her, and brought his horse into a gallop.

"NO!" Her screams echoed through the city. Her free hand turned into sharp talons and she swiped at Levi, feeling her fingernails dig into flesh with a wet, scraping sensation. He groaned with pain, and as he reached with his free hand to stop her from trying to claw his face open she felt him push her twisted arm up another inch. There was a dull, sickening crunch, and then her arm and shoulder exploded with pain. Her screams turned into a long, wordless shriek. When the air inside her lungs ran out she drew a deep breath and screamed over, and over again.

As her strength slowly went out of her, Levi loosened his grip but did not release her completely. Her tears ran down her face, wetting the ground beneath her as she wailed. The pain in her dislocated or perhaps broken arm was nothing compared to the pain inside.

_"Don't go," _she thought helplessly. _"Reiner, please... don't go."_

She lay on the ground, broken. Her voice did not carry any longer; she only managed to produce a hoarse little whimpering. Levi finally released her completely and got to his feet.

"It's for your own good," he muttered darkly. "We need to fix your shoulder." Iris opened her eyes, thinking that she did not care about her shoulder. She couldn't stay here. The soldiers were riding, hunting after Reiner. They would kill him if they had to, and that was all that mattered. She couldn't let them.

Blinking through her tears, she saw the rock a few inches from her good hand. She could use it as a weapon. One good hit, then she could snatch a horse and go. Doing her best to ignore the blinding pain in her arm and shoulder, she pushed herself up onto her knees. As she climbed to her feet unsteadily, she swiped the stone into her fist in a swift movement. She tried to conceal it behind her back when she turned to Levi, but that damned minister had seen her. He pointed and stuttered:

"W-watch out, she has a-"

Perhaps Levi had seen her pick it up, or he just had a sixth sense for these kinds of things. He caught her arm as she was bringing the rock down to smash it into his skull. She hissed at him as they struggled. Stars exploded before her eyes as he smacked her across her wounded cheek, but he'd erred and gotten in too close. She directed a hard kick at his shin, and he took it, grunting. He shoved her backwards with such force she lost her footing. She saw the ground come rushing up to greet her. Her head went bouncing off of it, and there was a dull _'crack'._

Then there was only darkness.


	16. 15

"From childhood's hour I have not been. As others were, I have not seen. As others saw, I could not awaken. My heart to joy at the same tone; and all I loved, I loved alone." – Edgar Allan Poe

**Year 850 – The wooden door:**

A speck of dust swirled through the air, diving and twisting like a hunting swallow. It glowed like a tiny ember in the light trickling through where the curtains were not completely drawn shut. It fell silently, writhing as if it struggled against its unavoidable fate. As the dust trailed from the path of light and into the shadow lurking in the rest of the room, Iris blinked her dark blue eyes slowly. Her retinas felt dry, and she imagined a dry, papery scraping sound as her lids closed. How long had it been since she had blinked the last time; minutes, or hours? Her mouth felt dry, longing for a taste of water. But there was no water.

Her head ached. The more she thought about things, the more her brain would voice its displeasure by throbbing, sending blinding flashes of searing pain through her skull. If she just lay still, not thinking too much, the pain would fade into a dull murmur. Lying still was easy, because there was simply no reason for her to move. Where would she go? Not thinking was more difficult, sometimes almost impossible. Sleep always came as a blessing, like a friend opening their warm embrace to her. Not even sleep lasted forever though. She would become aware of her aching body again, and just a short moment after that the memories would come flooding back. They had been hazy at first, but after a little while all the missing pieces started to come together.

She wished she had more of that drug, whatever it had been inside the syringe they had plunged into her neck before they pushed her shoulder back into its socket. It had made her feel dull, as if her insides were made of wet cotton. But medicine was valuable, and she was just a girl who still had all her limbs attached to her body. A hair tickled the side of her face, and as she inhaled it tickled her nostril until she felt like she would either have to sneeze, or push it away. But her body felt so heavy, and her muscles felt so weak that none of those actions seemed possible.

She did not know much time had passed since Levi had left her here. Time was difficult to keep track of as well as what had happened and when. The scabs on Levi's face where someone had clawed him had begun to flake before he departed. He'd told her she had done that to him, and he was probably right. Perhaps he would never return. Perhaps that would be for the better.

Her free arm finally dragged itself up towards her face, brushing the hair away just as her body twitched and managed a dry sneeze. The sudden rush of movement after such a long time of complete apathy made her nerve endings whir vaguely. The creeping feeling was uncomfortable, so she dragged herself up to sit. Her brain screamed as if someone had given it a violent shake inside the confines of her skull. Blinking again she turned her eyes down towards her own chest. Her clothes were filthy, and the sheets beneath her were brown with dirt, and straws of dry grass hid in between the crinkles in the fabric. Next to her lay a rumpled pillow that she had been hugging so tightly it seemed to have shrunk into a lumpy, sad little thing. She would lie for hours with her nose pressed into the fabric of it, breathing deeply.

The floor was cold underneath her feet, but the bitter chill felt strangely befitting. She stood slowly, and her dry bones creaked and grumbled. Her heart flickered nervously inside her chest, like a small malnourished bird. She brushed her fingers across her dry, cracked lips, not really knowing why she did it. A couple of unsteady steps brought her out the door and into the hallway outside.

Nothing but the wind howling around the corners and through the vents in the castle walls seemed to disturb the silence. The muffled sounds of her naked feet against the wooden floor produced a lonely echo, bouncing between the walls. Or perhaps the echo was only inside her own head. Her breaths felt heavy, and the air had a damp, moldy taste to it. The floorboards creaked as her feet stopped.

She could not remember intending to walk to this door.

Closed and silent it loomed before her; old dry wood, streaked with age, chipped and dented. Her good hand went out, and she let her fingertips gently brush over its slightly rough surface. It almost felt warm to the touch.

"Hey," she whispered. Her voice was hoarse and raspy, as dry as her lips were. "I'm sorry, I should have come sooner." She sank to her knees, hearing a low hissing sound as her palm dragged over the door's surface. The shoulder of the arm she still had in a sling throbbed dully. As she let the thoughts come flooding in, her brain screamed in protest. Her head pounded.

"Are you hungry? ... I can't remember the last time I ate," she murmured. "I don't want to bother you if you're busy; I swear I'll go soon. I just wanted to talk, because I'm lonely." She smiled, but then her shoulders sagged as the smile faded from her lips.

"I promise I won't cry again if you let me in... I know I shouldn't be acting like this." She pressed her mouth together for a moment. "You're not here."

She reached up, grabbed the handle of the door and pushed it down. The door swung open.

Dust stirred up at the sudden draft of fresh air. She sat for a moment, looking at a pair of dirty socks that someone had carelessly kicked off and left on the floor. Her eyes wandered from the floor, to the bed, to the chair and finally back to her own hands; one of them poking out of her sling, the other resting in her lap. The room was silent. She struggled back up on one knee, rose but then hesitated at the threshold.

"I'm coming in." She stepped inside. "See, I didn't knock..." her voice trailed off.

No one had made the bed before leaving, and someone had left one of the dresser drawers slightly ajar. She thought that whoever had lived here had expected to come back to put their socks away, and sleep in their bed another night. But that person had not returned; and never would. Her right hand closed, feeling her face twist and contort. She closed her eyes, and her hand opened again. The room smelled of sweat, dirty socks, old stones and loneliness. The memories roused by all these scents caused her head to throb painfully.

Her eyes opened, and with sudden urgency she stepped to the dresser, knelt before it and pried it open using her one good arm. Her hand closed on a piece of fabric, pulling it out. It unfolded itself as she held it in front of her; crinkled and dirty it was, colored a muddy green. She used to think that color was too bland for the owner of this piece of clothing. Now she put the shirt on the floor before using her good arm to wiggle her aching arm out of its sling. She gritted her teeth as she did it, but within a moment the sling fell to the floor. The shirt was much too big for her, and hung loosely on her body. She looked down, seeing only her fingertips poking out from its sleeves, and raised her hands to her face; breathing in deeply. The shirt smelled of sweat as well, but most of all it smelled of _home_.

"You need to fold your clothing, or everything will be wrinkly," she scolded and smiled, glassy eyed. "You're not a little kid anymore, you know. Adults fold their clothing." She stood up, and the shirt came down over her hips.

As she lay herself down on the bed she could see a puff of dust take flight, swarming in the air like a flock of birds. She carefully wrapped her arms around herself, feeling her lips tremble with the effort of keeping the smile on her face. There she lay, covered in his things, his smells and his memory. She half closed her eyes, and through the haze of her eyelashes she thought she could see him standing there, looking at her. His face was obscured from her view, but she imagined him flashing that wry little grin only he could manage.

"Reiner," she murmured, feeling the last ghost of a smile fall from her face. "Can we stay here together?"

But he was already gone.

She had promised not to cry again, but she did.


	17. 16

A girl huddled alone in the dim light inside a dark hallway. Her body was still visibly strong, even though a look of slow decay had begun to manifest itself in the slight sagging of her trousers, and the dark circles beneath her eyes. Pale and saddened, she sat as still as a statue. The girl was waiting to fall asleep again, hoping that her dreams would bring her 'another'. Another day, another moment, another chance to fix what had gone wrong.

"Iris?" She felt something against her thigh, perhaps the toe of a boot. It nudged her insistently. "What the hell are you doing there?" The girl recognized that loud, abrasive tone of voice.

The daylight stung her eyes as she opened them, making her blink repeatedly to keep them from tearing up. The thundering inside her skull was just about bearable, but she knew her visitor's loud voice would make it worse. She was sitting down with her knees drawn up against her chest, her side leaning against a closed wooden door. Her buttocks felt numb against the chilly floor. How long had she been here, and where had she been before that? The girl could not remember. But she was back outside this door again, _his door._

Her eyes stared up at the familiar visage, seeing him but staring right through him at the same time.

"Get up!" Loud, insistent, but also pleading words seemed to echo inside her aching head. He went to one knee, grabbed the collar of her shirt, and shook her. Her head bobbed back and forth with the motion, until her eye caught sight of the fabric he was holding. _Muddy green._

"Let go," she croaked, her voice coming out as nothing but a dry hiss.

"Is that all you have to say to me after I came out here for you? Let go?!" His eyes went to the shirt, studying it for a moment. He let her go; whipping his hands away as if he had realized that he was gripping a piece of rancid meat. "He is a traitor, a murderer, and he's gone. Accept it."

His words just washed over her, like waves of dark water. He would leave soon, and she would slide back into her stupor while the minutes and the hours melted away around her like the winter snows under the warm spring sunlight.

She heard a _'crack' _as the palm of his hand crashed against her cheek. The slap drove a thousand thorny splinters into the soft tissue of her brain, and a throaty cry of pain escaped her lips. Her hands went up to form a shield in case he would strike her again.

"_I'm sorry," _he said in a small voice. She heard a soft thud as he sat back heavily on his ass, and then came what could be the sound of a hand being run through short, ashy brown hair. "Things are really messed up out there. I don't know what you did to Levi, but if I don't bring you back for him it's my ass on the line, and he's one creepy dude.. I really don't wanna be the one to tell him you've decided to sit here and rot." A _'thump' _followed his words, the sound of knuckles against old wooden flooring.

"We're hiding Eren and Historia – Ah perhaps you don't know about that yet. Christa, we're hiding Eren and Christa. We need you." He paused, and the words hung between them like old cobwebs. "Come on Iris, _I need you._ Get up." He shuffled, got back up on his feet. She blinked, and her hands shielding her face fell. Her head tilted back, and strands of hair fell away from her forehead like a curtain drawn aside.

"You need my help," she rasped. Her voice was dry and brittle, threatening to break if she tried to raise it. Jean was right; the world was a mess out there. There were so many things she needed to know, too much she couldn't understand.

"Yes." He extended his hand to her, and she took it. As he pulled her to her feet he shot her a doubtful look. "He said you were injured, where's your sling?"

"Did Levi tell you he was the one who almost ripped my arm off?" she retorted, not without a hint of anger. Jean had clearly figured this out for himself, although he made no attempt to answer her.

She turned around and raised her hand. The door's rough surface scraped against her palm and her fingertips. "I'm sorry," she whispered, not really knowing who she was talking to anymore. Perhaps some sentimental part of her wanted to believe that the ghosts of who they had been together were still inside. "I have to go now."

"Who are you talking to?"

The look she gave him seemed to be answer enough. "Let's go."

"You're not wearing any shoes." He scratched the back of his neck. She looked down at her feet. He was correct.

Moments later she pulled a pair of clean trousers from her closet. Her old shirt stank, the trousers were ripped at the knees and filthy.

"W-what are you..." Jean spluttered behind her as she pulled the green shirt over her head. The motion made her injured arm ache, even though she'd been careful. Once her own shirt followed, Jean fell silent behind her. His mouth hung open as he stared at the scarred skin on her back; his embarrassment forgotten. She put on a pair of clean trousers, and then she put Reiner's shirt back on. It was large enough to look like a tunic on her, and she had to roll the sleeves up so they wouldn't catch everywhere and fray with time. But it felt important that she would wear it. She pulled on her leather boots, and struggled with tying the laces without hurting her shoulder. Once done she turned, and noticed his eyes on the jagged scar across her throat. The neckline of the green shirt did nothing to hide that old mark – But that did not matter anymore. Many of the things a young girl had fretted over did not matter anymore.

"Let's go, it'd be a regular shit show if someone found us here. Can you ride with that arm?" They were walking briskly through the long hallway and down the flights of stairs.

"Just boost me up, I'll ride."

So once they were outside in the yard, Jean threw her up onto her mount. This horse was a dark bay, unfamiliar to her but seemed to have a good nature. They rode out of the courtyard, leaving the survey corps castle behind them as they urged they horses forward. Iris turned and saw the castle shrink behind her.

Although she could not explain it in any reasonable way, she felt that this would be the last time she would ever see the survey corps headquarters. She hugged her injured arm to her chest, and her fingers plucked at the sleeve.

"Ymir was the third titan shifter." Somber words... When she did little to acknowledge she had heard him, he continued: "We headed out to catch up to Reiner and Bertholdt when we met Ymir in the forest of giant trees. She took Christa. She had begun working with... _them_."

Jean paused, as if the words did not come easy to him. It struck her that she had not even spared a thought as to whom the third titan shifter was, yet it made perfect sense for it to be Ymir. She'd always had that look about her, as if she'd seen the bigger picture to life but chose to keep its secrets to herself. Just how much did she know about Reiner and Bertholdt beforehand? Ymir loved Christa; she'd never said it but Iris thought she did. She would never have turned to Reiner and Bertholdt and tried to take Christa with her unless she thought she could protect her that way - But from what, the titans, or something else? Either way, this meant that wherever Reiner came from things were not all bad there. But at the same time, how could they not be? Just look at how bad it had made Reiner become.

"I spoke to them when we caught up. Reiner was in his titan form, but he heard me. We all tried talking to them. Bertholdt he said something pointless like 'Do you think anyone would want to do this?'. What was he hoping for, sympathy? If so then he's more messed up than I'd ever have thought. But then, no sensible person could ever do what they have done. Reiner wouldn't have stopped for you, trust me on this. I'm sorry, but I don't think he ever cared for you at all."

Her hand closed into a tight fist. "We will never know that now, will we?"

Perhaps he thought her anger was directed at him, but it wasn't. Not really. She just wished he would keep that glib tongue of his in check for once. While most people tend to go quiet when they sense tension however, Jean only seemed to be encouraged to keep running his mouth. She let him prattle on as they rode into the wilderness. As they left the road behind she silently hoped that he knew where they were going, and that they would get there fast. If he kept talking like this she would sooner or later feel the urge to throttle him. In between words like "traitors", "losses" and "sickening" however she picked up that Christa Lenz was actually Historia Reiss, a bastard daughter of one of Mitras noble families. Her own mother would surely relish the thought that her only daughter had made common cause with a titan shifter, fucked a traitor and befriended a bastard. The thought almost made her smile for a moment. But then she thought of the intact half of Marco's pale face, and Annie's tears as they had carried Eren away; and she did not feel like smiling anymore.

She lost any sense of how long they had been riding, and when she had finally begun to resign herself to the fact they were probably lost, a cabin appeared in between the trees. It was a small cottage with a thatched roof, and beside it there was a small stable area for the horses. A familiar chestnut mare turned its head and peered at her as they approached, and the filly flicked her ears in recognition. There was an empty wagon in the yard, and a few barrels that may or may not be empty placed at the side of the barn. She dismounted with great difficulty, and watched as Jean put the horses away while mulling over what it would feel like to see Eren again.

The room went quiet as she stepped inside the cabin. Sasha stood by the cupboards with a crate filled with potatoes, and Armin was polishing the plates and cutlery. They both stared at her only for a moment before politely looking away. She knew she looked like shit, and there was also the rather delicate matter of her whatever-they-had-been turning out to be the enemy of mankind to take into consideration. The huge, pink elephant in the room jiggled it's massive behind, and the tension felt almost palpable.

"Where's Eren?" Jean asked, and with uncharacteristic gentleness he ushered her over to the table inside the room. She allowed herself to be pushed down onto one of the chairs, keeping her injured arm pressed against her midsection. She had begun to do it without thinking.

"He's dusting in the other room. Levi will be here soon," Armin replied and threw Iris a look that bled with pity. "Hey." She could have sworn she saw Jean shudder the slightest bit as Levi's name was mentioned, although he made a brave effort at hiding it.

"Hi," she croaked in response. "Do you have any water?"

They did. So she drank while the rest of them fussed about, dusting at random things and wiping down the more obvious surfaces. But they missed the dust on the skirting boards, and no one cleaned in between and behind the cushions on the couch. They better pray Levi did not sit himself down there, or god forbid, put his hand back there to check... Before long Jean was scolding Sasha for sneaking away food, and Armin was mediating. Just like old times.

"Guys, did you brush all the dirt and dust off before coming in here?" Eren's voice came from the door behind her. They hadn't, and he and Jean went at it much like they usually did. For all the fear Jean had for Levi he did not seem to grasp the level of cleanliness the captain expected. As they were clucking at each other like two old hens, Mikasa and Christa, no, Historia came inside carrying firewood in their arms. Iris hadn't known Mikasa had been injured during the mission to reclaim Eren before Armin mentioned it. But it was really Historia who drew her eye. The girl milled around, glassy eyed, functioning but absent mindedly as if she was only half there. Most people at least attempt to hide their grief, parading around wearing some brave expression like a sad parody of the person they had been before. Iris had thought Christa was the kind of person who would do that; hide her grief so she would not inconvenience anyone. Who this Historia Reiss was, she did not know.

While the rest of them bickered Eren fell silent. He looked at the little group solemnly for a while, lost in thought. Then he turned to her as if he hadn't quite noticed her before. The kerchief he was wearing gave him a slight resemblance to Levi wearing cleaning garb. But lacking the air of menacing the captain had around him, Eren more reminded her of a young, rather unattractive wench.

"Guys, finish cleaning. This place needs to be clean when Levi and Connie arrive." He handed his broom to Jean who for once had the good sense not to complain.

"You're wearing that traitor's shirt." Eren said coolly as he sat down on the opposite side of the table.

"Thanks for letting me now," she replied.

"_I can't believe you._ Doesn't it make you sick, knowing what that bastard has done? Pretending to be some righteous person, spouting all that bullshit about duty and honor; sleeping in the bunk _next to mine,_ knowing he and Bertholdt got my mom killed." He breathed deeply, nostrils flaring. "I don't understand how they could even sleep at all." ... Yes, it was truly awful when put that way.

"You're right, it makes me sick... Hearing it like that it does sound like the most despicable thing a person could do... It's so cruel I almost can't believe it, even though I know it's all true." She felt the tightness in her mouth.

The look on his face was dumbfounded. "I don't get it, then why-"

"You're right, you don't get it. You have every right to feel the way you do. But I'm not you, Eren. I understand what you've lost, and what we all have lost because of them." Her hand balled into fists. _"Don't cry. Never cry again." _She forced herself to look directly at him. "But I lost my friend just a few days ago. And now I have to try live with the knowing that he has done such evil things he does not deserve any forgiveness or mercy. So don't you presume to judge me."

"Fine. You want to know if he said something to me, right? He left without you, isn't that answer enough?"

Iris wondered if he could see the anger flash across her face. "So he said nothing?" Eren's mouth tightened.

"... He said plenty of shit; I found it hard to even listen to all the crap he went on about." He paused, sighed. "There's something seriously wrong with Reiner. He was acting crazy, as if he was still playing at being a soldier. Bertholdt got this weird look on his face, and he told Reiner to remember they weren't soldiers, but warriors. Then the lousy bastard started acting all superior, as if he wasn't the scum of the earth. I told him that when you found out what a piece of shit he is you'd want him dead too."

She closed her eyes, thinking _"Warriors"_.

"Warriors, are you sure? Odd thing to say."

"I told them they were nothing but murderers. But yeah, I'm sure."

"And that's all he said?" She felt her heart sinking.

"No, he said you'd remember Rose, and the promise."

Iris frowned deeply. "All he had to say to me was something nonsensical. Man, that's cold."

"He's a bad guy. You deserved better." Eren said stiffly, clearly uncomfortable with the topic.

"We all deserved better," she added dryly, and he looked the tiniest bit relieved. Perhaps he'd thought she was going to cry.

"Did you really try to fight Levi?"

"Tried. I'd seriously advise against it."

He gave her a look that could be misconstrued as deep admiration.

She waited quietly after their conversation had ended. By the time Levi showed up with a pale Connie in tow, Eren had put the kettle on and was in the middle of serving tea. The little captain stepped inside, letting his critical eye sweep the room in search of dirt and other filth. She noted that for the moment he seemed content with their efforts, and as he went to seat himself by the table they all gathered. But before everyone had settled, Hange burst into the cabin, wild eyed and seemingly distracted. Her team had come along as well.

"I'll deal with you later," Levi gave Iris a disapproving look. Hange tittered and seated herself and her team on the sofa and extra chairs to the side of the room, but apart from that she was uncharacteristically quiet.

Levi ran his hand underneath the table top, and scowled. He produced a clean white napkin from his pocket, wiping the dirt off his hand. "You all should have had plenty of time... Never mind that, we'll talk about your lax cleaning job later." Eren shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, pressing his fingertips to his right temple.

The kids mostly listened to the conversation that followed, apart from Armin who presented them with the theory that since Annie and Reiner both had hardening abilities, and since the walls seemed to have been formed from hardened titan skin, there was a rather simple answer to how they would recapture wall Maria – Eren would need to learn how to do it, and then he could seal the hole in Shiganshina. The boy kept his head down the whole time he was speaking, cowering protectively as if he expected harsh criticism to lash him like a whip at any moment. The truth of it was that it was the best plan Iris had ever heard, the only plan ever presented that seemed doable; as long as Eren had hardening abilities, that is.

But before anyone could get excited they were hit with another dose of reality. Hange informed them that after she had relocated Minister Nick to Trost in order to hide him, someone had found him, tortured him, and killed him. And she suspected the first interior squad of the MP's to be the culprits. _Djel Sannes_, when Iris heard that name mentioned here, she felt a chill run down her spine. That man should never have been allowed to wield a weapon, nor have been put in a position where he had influence. Mean, she had thought the first time she saw him. Her fingers twitched, as if they wanted to dance.

Hange wanted to lay low because someone powerful hiding inside the political system clearly wanted their hands on Eren, and keep the men of the church from revealing anything to Historia. Iris heard Hange speak Reiner's name in reference to the "enemies outside", and felt a heaviness that had begun to grow inside of her. It felt somewhat like her insides were slowly filling up with liquid lead, pressing her down in her seat. The enemies were outside; the enemies were inside, eating at their table, and sharing their beds.

A plan was hatched, a double edged sword aiming to take action on both fronts at the same time. Eren would discretely work on hardening his skin out here, and in the meantime the survey corps would start to take covert action to find out who was trying to bleed them from the inside.

Jean and Sasha were put on the first guard shift, the rest of squad Levi were ordered to prepare dinner, and Iris was lead outside to receive her verdict. Time to be 'dealt with', as he had put it. She was beyond fear of him as a person, and fearing what he was capable of doing was just common sense as she saw it; but she respected him. She had looked up to him long before she knew he was a solider. Odd how circumstance had put them here, where she felt ashamed of how she had acted, but also knew she would not take it back even if she could. As long as you had a beating heart in your body that cared for something other than yourself, there would be times you could not be still, would not stand by.

Standing by the low stone wall surrounding the little cottage, they watched the sun set the sky ablaze where it hung low on the horizon. She sat down, feeling the warm stone underneath her buttocks, but Levi contented himself with leaning against it lightly. He did not look at her as he spoke.

"Do you resent me for what I did?"

"No." The question was surprising. She had not thought he would care at all to know how she felt. "It wasn't resentment or anger; you were simply in my way."

"When a dog turns bad and bites the hand that feeds it you have the mutt put down. I ought to kick the shit out of you, put you in a cell and throw away the key you damned brat." He sounded more tired and annoyed than vengeful. "Some would say that if a dog goes bad it's the handlers fault." In the distance she saw Sasha moving back and forth inside her little watchtower. The other one where Jean was must be on the other side of the property.

"You fought for someone you cared about, but when people fight out of sentiment they get stupid." He looked at his fingernails as if the conversation bored him. "...I thought you were dead when I first found you. Thought it might have been a mercy. Took you to a hospital when I saw you were breathing and could have just left it at that. You'd be someone else's problem today."

"But you didn't. Why did you come to my house?"

"Who knows? Erwin was always getting on my damned nerves back then. I could get some peace and quiet, and drink some rich bastard's tea. The reason doesn't matter; the result is that you're my responsibility. If you ever get the brilliant idea to fight me again, don't. You almost took my face off, whelp."

Wondering if it was a bad idea, Iris looked him in the eyes and said: "What's a face? It will heal."

During a couple of excruciatingly long seconds she feared she had pushed the captain's buttons, but the moment passed. She saw something flash across his face, an almost boyish visage that betrayed nothing of his real age, and she could have sworn he looked amused.

"Can you fight with that arm?" The look of amusement was gone, with nothing but her memory to prove it had ever been there. She flexed her fingers, feeling the burning sensation in her shoulder.

"I won't be able to fight wearing our gear for now, but I'm a good shot." She could hear a crow cawing somewhere. The sound echoed slightly before the sound faded, and the forest that surrounded them again seemed dark and threatening. It's a bleak and lonely sound, a crow's cawing. It sounds like they are trying to warn you of something, knowing full well that you will never understand. Ravens were different, they had many sounds, and some even spoke. The stories were that the birds could steal the voices of people, especially children. If a child turned two years old and would still not speak, people would say the parents had been neglectful and left the child alone with a window open. Once your voice had been stolen away, you'd be a mute; and no one wanted to be the parents of one of the silent children.

"Captain, you said you would tell me about my background check but you never did." She'd almost forgotten, and though it seemed to be of little importance now it might give her something to think about. A silly notion really, all she did was think as of late. She found herself trying to think of everything, not really knowing if she was getting anything worthwhile out of it, yet completely incapable of quelling the uprising that had begun to manifest itself inside of her.

"How much do you know of your father's side of the family?"

"Everything worth knowing," she replied lightly. To say that Dieter Bachmann had been his daughter's hero would sound rather cliché, but it would be close to the truth. He was a very knowledgeable man with an air of superiority and secrecy about him. Every little secret shared with her felt like a privilege, like he had seen her among the masses and held her in higher regard than all others. As a physician he was well liked, even loved by some who would entrust their health to no one but him. His methods were odd, unconventional and many of his cures were shrouded in the same sense of mystery as the man himself was. To her, he was the closest thing to a living hero she had ever come. In their house, no question would ever go unanswered unless she asked about some of the things that 'a child could never understand'. In her mind she had piled all those questions onto one another, tucking them away for a day when she was older, and able to understand.

"Then where was he before year 829?" It was unlike Levi to ask leading questions, she thought.

"In Mitras, he was an apprentice to some old master, Mr. Rosoff or something. He worked for him for years."

"He showed up at the doctor's doorstep in 829 asking for an apprenticeship. Before that, he's a ghost. That damned four eyes had several people look into it, but none of them found any record of him. Erwin figured he's taken a new name because there's dirt on his real identity. Just the kind of creep to spawn a titan shifter, he figured."

Iris sucked the inside of her lower lip thoughtfully. Perhaps she ought to be shocked, but this was just more water under the bridge really. She'd lost her father years ago, even though he was still walking, talking and living his merry own life. He had cast her aside, not literally, nor had he said it out loud. But he had done it. Perhaps he thought that as far as he was concerned his daughter did die in that alley where Levi had found her. All she could do was speculate, because she thought she would never find it in her to ask him. Maybe it was her pride preventing it, or the fear of falling to pieces before him. Tears would shame her more than it shamed him. She had called him "pa" when she was little. She had wanted to become just like him.

"Ask him yourselves if you wonder where he was, I have no idea it seems. I take that as my grandparents being fictional as well, always thought they sounded a little too good to be true." She laughed harshly, feeling a hot murmur of anger deep inside.

"You've been cleared, so it doesn't matter."

"No, I suppose it does not."

Later that evening Iris found herself tucked into a lumpy straw bed inside the girl's room. The shadows in the room were deep, and the one cast by the tree outside their window made it look like there were hundreds of long, slender fingers reaching across the walls and the floor inside. As the wind rustled the tree it flexed its long fingers, and their shadows began moving, creeping forward, reaching for her. Disturbed by the view, she turned onto her side and faced the wall. She heard the other girls breathing silently, and thought Historia's breath sounded forced. She was probably awake too.

"_Remember Maria, and the promise."_

She remembered. This was far from over; or perhaps it was only beginning now. Coming here had been the right decision, even though it was not easy seeing the world just move on.

Her mind found the memory of a pair of hazel eyes, glimmering with flecks of gold. A killer's eyes. _"I remember."_

She lay awake all night, thinking.


	18. 17

The sun was on her back, hot and bright, making her dab some sweat from her brow. The light stung her eyes as it reflected off the small piece of paper before her. It would seem that all she had left inside of her were embarassingly cheap rhymes scribbled in black ink; the little letters blotchy and pointed on top of paper so dry it threatened to crumble if not handled carefully. Paper didn't come cheap in this world. Nothing did. The words demanded her attention, insisting on their own importance. So she stared at them, trying to figure out why the words made her feel so... bad.

"_My eyes won't let me look away;__  
__I don't want to see__  
__What you have done__  
__-I don't want to know-__  
__The shadow beside you entered the fray;__  
__it had the shape of a beast__  
__This thing you've become__  
__-And I let you go-"_

Somewhere above her head there came the creaking of a floorboard, and a sound that might signal the shifting of a chair, or the shuffling of feet. A few of them were up there, waiting for Eren to wake. If you thought about it, all they were really doing was watching him sleep. Kind of creepy. He'd been almost unrecognizable as they brought him back yesterday; his skinless face a grinning skull with empty eye sockets. His arms had been gone too. A few hours later he had regrown all but his hands. She had sat by his bed staring at the flesh returning to his body, unable to take her eyes off him. She kept thinking about what Jean had said: That when Mikasa had tried to kill Reiner he'd used his arms for protection. Just how hard would it be to kill a titan shifter? Was the nape the weak spot in them too?

She became aware that someone was watching her right now, though they were making an effort to not reveal themselves. At first Iris did not know what it was that had alerted her to the presence of the other person, but then she realized that she could actually hear someone breathing quietly.

"Historia," she said. Somewhere behind her she heard the girl move, stepping around the corner from the hall leading over to the stairs and the back rooms.

"I didn't want to disturb you," the blonde said as she approached with her arms protectively crossed. She stopped before Iris, looking down at the paper with narrowed eyes trying read the messy handwriting. Historia bit her bottom lip in what Iris thought was an unconscious gesture, and reluctantly felt herself admiring the girl's striking beauty. Not even grief and lack of sleep could rob her of that. "You were thinking about him," the girl said.

"How do you know?"

"You look angry when you think of him. Think you're even scaring Sasha a bit." Historia took a seat on the sofa by the window. "Sometimes when I think of him I get angry too," she admitted. "I keep thinking that if not for them Ymir would still be here. I've thought that it would be better if they didn't exist at all."

"Yeah, I can see why you'd feel that way." Iris replied. As the words left her lips Historia gave her a look that told her she was missing the point, before her gaze drifted down to her hands resting on her lap.

"But you know, other times I remind myself that Ymir chose to leave. We promised each other to live only for ourselves. This was her way of doing that. And instead of feeling angry I just feel empty." Historia had told them her life story the night before yesterday. It was one of the few times she had spoken at all during the last few days. "It's not wrong if you miss him, I think. The others can't understand. They keep saying things about Ymir, judging her though they don't know anything about who she is."

Iris found that her palm was laid across her face, but she did not remember putting it there.

"There's a part of me that hates him." Her eyes drifted up to a point over Historia's shoulder, staring. But it was not the room around them she saw, but the lands beyond the walls. She used to picture the world a vast wilderness, where the overgrown ruins of towns and cities were all that was left to bear witness of a time when humanity populated the earth. But the picture of the world in her mind was burning now; trees turned to soot, lakes ran dry, grass crumpled and died. She knew it was just a representation of her innermost feelings, yet she could swear she smelled the dust and the burning grass.

Perhaps it wasn't good to tell Historia about the things she was thinking of, but who else could she talk to now? No one wanted to hear her pondering over them, thinking of _them_ as people. No one wanted to ask themselves if there was a situation in which their roles might have been reversed. Were there a set of circumstances that could have made them do what the trio of titan shifters had done? Iris thought there might be, for most of them. She kept thinking of what Annie said to Armin before she revealed herself as the female titan. Her eyes glimmered with something that looked like relief, as she said the words: _"Armin, I'm glad I could be a good person to you."_

Would they question her loyalty if they knew she was thinking about these things? On the other hand: If mere thoughts were a dangerous threat, the foundation to this entire organization, their world, could not be very solid. She had not thought much about it before, but now she had begun to understand some things. Those books and papers her father had kept secret, perhaps they were the kind of things you were not allowed to have. Perhaps the writings inside them were knowledge it was not safe to possess. Perhaps, if someone found out that you knew these things, some accident was to befall you. Disturbing thoughts like these were rooting inside her. She had the creeping notion that perhaps the thing she really ought to be afraid of was not the titans at all.

"I think Reiner found something here he didn't even know he wanted. At times I'd wonder why he had so much contempt for himself, but it makes sense now. The more he started caring for this place and the people here, the less he must have felt that he became. It must have been excruciating to endure for a person like him, who only wants to be respected and needed. Judging from what Bertholdt said, I don't think they felt like they had any choice."

Historia frowned deeply. Her plump bottom lip puckered out as her brows furrowed.

"Then, why are you so angry?"

Looking down now, Iris pulled gently at one of her sleeves with her fingertips, thinking of how much she hated this color. She had hated it on him, and now she hated it on herself.

"I'm not sure how to answer that question. There are just so many things to be angry about. I'm angry with myself because I have been so blind, and because I don't know anything about why this is happening. We must all have seemed like stupid children to them. But Reiner grew close to me anyway, despite himself, even though he must have thought it was beneath him... What a fucking _joke_. Does he even realize what he has done to me?" She put her face in her hands.

"Reiner's coming back, I can feel it. I'll see him again soon. The thought of that is what makes me get up in the morning. That's why I'm angry."

"That's pretty miserable," Historia replied, making Iris chuckle. But her face, hidden in her hands, twisted into a grimace.

"True. I'm pathetic."

"I don't know why I get up, perhaps because everyone expects me to."

Hange's voice came drifting down the stairs, and above their heads people began to stir and mumble. Then there was a drumming, as if someone was tapping the heel of their boot against the floor. Iris mumbled that Historia better hurry upstairs. She would stay down here with her thoughts. The girl got up and started walking off, her light footsteps barely audible against the floor.

"You should probably hide that paper" she said.

"Yeah."

It was deduced that Eren could not harden his skin at this time, for whatever reason. His mental health seemed to have taken a hit as well, and he was often caught staring at an empty wall in front of him as if he could see something there the rest of them could not. Meanwhile Iris was able to move a little bit better so Levi armed her with a rifle and a pistol, his dark eyes cautioning her to use them wisely. She liked the smell of the gunpowder, liked the weight of the pistol in her hand. It felt solid and heavy. The barrel felt cold to the touch, but the wooden grip always seemed to be warm against the skin on her palm. She would spin it and watch the muzzle circling, point to the floor, to herself, the ceiling, and then at her imagined enemy. Sometimes she'd imagine Reiner in front of her, his face pained, ragged, and gaunt. Then the pistol would swing around to point to her instead, and his eyes would widen. His hand shot up, reaching for her with long, grasping fingers.

In the evening when Jean had the watch she joined him atop the watch tower. They didn't speak much, except to bicker about whether or not the shadows were moving, or if the snapping of a tree branch was something to worry about. In between that they shared long silences.

They received the note from commander Erwin the day after. It told them someone had made their location and was coming for them. With great haste they evacuated the cabin and snuck off into the darkness; tired and armed to the teeth. But there was a plan in place for what to do next.

They headed for Trost district where Historia, Eren and Iris were hidden inside a vacant apartment. The person who lived here had possibly been among the casualties during the battle for the district, or they'd not returned even after Eren sealed the wall back up. She hated this place. The streets stank of urine and human decay.

Jean had mostly seemed annoyed at being asked to body double for Eren again, insisting they looked nothing alike. He'd looked almost touched when Iris told him to be careful, and to come back in one piece. True to his slightly irritable nature he'd snorted and turned his nose up at her, but not before she'd seen the corners of his mouth turn up. He had a slightly long, narrow face that was fair skinned and boyish. His eyes were pale and deceptively impassive most of the time, but once his temper flared they would have a menacing gleam in them. She supposed he was not bad looking, although Eren's nickname 'horse face' was slightly fitting. Armin had just pressed his lips together when Levi said no one would be able to tell him apart from Historia. If he had felt humiliated he did his best not to show it.

The plan to have them mistaken for Eren and Historia was successful; they were snatched away in the open street. The rest of squad Levi followed close behind and overpowered the captors inside one of the storage buildings. It seemed that the Reeves Company was behind this failed attempt to abduct Eren and Historia, but they were just the cat's paw of the first interior squad of the MP's. So another deal was struck, for the Reeves Company to assist in the capture of Djel Sannes and his associate.

That's how Iris found herself sat inside the small stone hall inside one of the military's 'undisclosed' locations together with the youths of squad Levi. In the other room Djel Sannes had been strapped to a chair, while Hange's associate Moblit fetched a tray on which several instruments were laid. Tongs made of beaten iron, steel ice picks and smaller nails rattled against each other atop the tray. A large wooden hammer with a black hammerhead, as well as a branding iron and several fixtures were also present. There was a glass jar filled with something that was most likely antiseptic.

Iris had snuck down to the doorway as Levi and Hange were busy trying the ropes around the man. He had been drugged while they brought him in, but he was waking now. Groggily he raised his head, taking in the room for a moment before noticing the ropes around his hands, feet and torso. His pale blue fisheyes widened with surprise as he understood what kind of room he'd been placed inside. Then he looked at her, mouth opening as if to say something to her. She could see the recognition dawn on his face as he took in her taut visage and dark blue eyes. The lines on his face had deepened considerably in the years since she last saw him, and she noticed that his hairline had begun to recede. His hooked nose might have been broken not too long ago, and his cheeks seemed to have sunk back. The snarky air of superiority had gone from him for the moment as well, and now that he was sitting down he could not look down at her the way he'd done in the past. Seven years had gone since the last time she could remember meeting him, and she bore little resemblance to the child who'd hide behind corners, watching him with suspicious eyes. She bore a striking resemblance to her father though, and that must be the reason to why he so obviously recognized her.

His mouth closed. He was pale now, looking much smaller than she remembered. She smiled to him, wondering just what kind of business he and Dieter Bachmann had done together back then. Mr. Sannes gave her a defiant look in response, but as she nodded towards the tray of instruments to his right, his eye twitched. He had tortured Minister Nick with similar objects, as she was sure he remembered well. He did a very good job at hiding how he felt, but she was sure that if Mike Zacharias had still been among the living, he'd be able to smell the fear in the room right now. Levi stood, and noticed her in the door.

"I told you kids to stay out of here."

"Easy, I just wanted to look at him for a moment."

"You..." Djel interfered, looking at her. "You don't realize what you're doing."

"But you do, so why don't you just tell us why you are trying to capture Eren and Historia?" she replied to him over the top of Levi's head. Sannes just clamped his mouth shut. Levi gave her a cold look.

"As if he'd give that up so easily after all he has done. This is why you kids are staying out of this. Go." He closed the door in her face. She stood for a moment, observing how the knot in the wood before her resembled a large staring eye. Then she turned on her heel and ascended the steps leading to the bottom floor.

And there she sat now, spinning her pistol in her left hand. On the opposite end of the table sat Historia, and along the sides were Sasha, Connie, Jean, Armin and Eren. Mikasa stood in the background with her arms crossed over her chest, close to Eren's left elbow. Down below, Djel Sannes screamed, making the comrades around her stiffen. Jean rested his head in one of his hands, sweating slightly. He mumbled something about fighting titans, not unknown enemies while Iris focused her eyes on the spinning barrel of her pistol. Round and round it went, accompanied by the screams from Sannes and the murmured conversation between her fellow soldiers. Armin was speaking now.

"We're already criminals you know. The enemies we're facing now aren't going to eat us if we don't kill them. They're enemies because they have different ideas." Armin's voice was somber. "Or maybe just because they're in a different group," he continued. "Sometime soon we might have to take people's lives for reasons like that... We're not good people anymore."

"You're saying we'll have to use the same methods the enemy uses if we're going to have any chance to catch up to them?" Iris spoke up, flicking her pistol around for another loop. The tiny flame from the candle lit atop the table reflected off the metal, throwing little dots of light around the room. "What will we have to do to surpass them then? I can imagine what. You know, now that I think of it – I don't think I've ever been a good person." She slammed the pistol down onto the table, the thud and clang from metal meeting wood echoed slightly around the room. Djel Sannes screamed, and she could hear Hange wail for him to be still.

"They should just flay him, and we could skip this little charade" she remarked, leaning back in her seat. They all turned, looking at her strangely.

"What?" Armin looked incredulous.

"Not much, just one finger. Leave him down there overnight, tied up of course or he might try cutting the finger off. Tomorrow you flay another finger, before asking him to reveal what he knows. Everyone talks then."

"How do you know that?"

"Someone told me. What, do you think it's beneath you? You're sitting here now, listening to him scream aren't you? The only thing that separates us from Levi and Hange is that we aren't even there to look at the person suffering so we can accomplish our goals."

"Be quiet Iris" Jean's mouth was downturned, troubled. "You're almost making me worried when you say shit like that; you and Armin both."

She shrugged. "Alright, I was going to head off to bed anyway." She grabbed her pistol, stood, and left them sitting there. Upstairs on the second floor were the rooms they would sleep in. Lacking actual beds they'd just laid out bedding on the floor. As she lay down she could feel the chill from below through the sheets and blankets. What she wouldn't give for a feather bed right now. She thought of the danger of their situation. If these plans fell through there would no longer be a place for them within these walls. If captured, they might be executed. That was definitely not part of her plan. She must avoid it, no matter what.

Iris closed her eyes, hoping she would not dream. Bitter or sweet, dreams were just no good anymore.

Morning came, misty and demure. Iris yawned, stretched and felt only a slight stiffness in her shoulder. Soon she'd be able to fight again, which may very well be needed. Next to her, Historia's sheets were in a tangle, and the girl was nowhere to be seen. Sasha and Mikasa were still in bed, though the latter seemed to be awake already. Dawn had just broken outside, so it would be another hour before they would be called downstairs. She got up and dressed in silence. She had to tuck Reiner's shirt into the front of her trousers to holster the pistol at her side. Lacking anything to brush her hair with, she just redid her braid once so it was slightly less messy.

Descending the steps to the bottom floor, she noticed the door to the cellar was open below. They must have moved Djel Sannes to the cells, which probably meant that he had broken and talked. Seems they had found his weakness; everyone had one. Old 'Pa' had always said so.

She went back inside the room with no windows and only one table. Their packs and crates holding all their provisions were piled in one corner of the room. She rummaged through them, only to walk away empty handed. Instead she filled her waterskin from the sink in the bathroom, and sat down to wait for anyone to show up. Little did she know then that Historia was about to be revealed as one of the real royal bloodline, explaining why the wallists would be allowed to reveal the secrets of the world to her. Historia was unwilling to shoulder the burden at first, but Levi convinced her by giving them all a motivational speech, and through some rough handed extortion. The latter part of this new plan involved giving up Eren and Historia to the MP's in order to locate the real king of the walls – Rod Reiss. A risky operation but they had no safe options and no time to play it safe, thus Dimo Reeves and his son Flegel departed with Eren and Historia in tow.

When news reached them that Dimo Reeves was dead, murdered supposedly by the survey corps, Iris wondered if it was all over. She had found out nothing. She was no step closer to understanding Reiner's betrayal. The messenger, Nifa, had no orders for them. It all seemed hopeless. But Levi was not joking around when he'd said he would be ready to fight. The news had come from Stohess, so that's where they headed in order to stage their stake out. It might be a dead end, but it was the only chance they had at the moment.

Once they arrived they split into smaller groups to move through the crowd gathering news, and to identify where the MP's of the first interior squad were staying, and what they were doing.

"You look like a very special kind of strange wearing a fedora" Iris commended to Jean, who puffed his chest up, bristling at the jape.

"It's a disguise alright? What is yours supposed to be?"

"It's called 'looking normal'" – She was not wearing a disguise, only a green cloak that did not have the military emblem on it. "I guess I'll have to pretend that 'strange' is my thing. Come on." She grabbed his arm and pulled him along with her.

"You should have left your pistol" he mumbled in her ear as they walked. There were only three inns in Stohess district, and the interior MP's would either be spread out between them or all staying in one place.

"I'll just make sure it doesn't show."

"Why are you so attached to that thing? It's unsettling." She thought he was trying to sound casual about it, in that severe kind of way he had about him.

"If we get caught I don't plan on letting them take me."

"What?!" Jean hissed. "You're planning to shoot your way out with that thing? That will never work."

"If there's only one of them it might. And if not then I have a bullet for myself."

"You don't mean that."

"What about you, would you not use any force necessary if someone tries to kill you?"

He gave her a long look, his slack jaw making his face look even longer. With that fedora on he looked some something out of a corny mystery novel whose main character was an eccentric private detective.

"I am not a killer."

"Well, if the theory about the titans being humans that have been turned is correct; then technically you are."

His face twisted. "I'm starting to miss the version of you who'd blush if she said a bad word."

"You don't mean that. Silly girls are nothing to you, or you wouldn't be so smitten with Mikasa."

He blushed. "I'm not."

"You'll never get her unless you figure out how to actually talk to her instead of stalking behind her like some lost puppy."

His cheeks turned scarlet red. "I don't!"

"Alright, but the day she stops mothering Eren you might want to have already distinguished yourself."

"I suppose. Alright there it is; there's a coffee shop across. Do you have any money?"

"You might want to say something nice to me if you want me to treat you."

"Not everyone grew up wealthy you know."

"Gosh Jean, you really know how _not_ to stir a woman's heart" she complained and headed over to the entrance. "Let's try to look like we actually belong together. It's called acting, get good at it." She hooked her arm in his, pushing up close to him and donned a light hearted smile. He gave a look that let her know she was invading his personal space, but led them through the door.

They had their coffee leaned across a small round table by the window, speaking in hushed voices. Time seemed to pass slowly, and after two coffees there had still been no activity from the MP's by the inn across the street. They exited, putting a few blocks between them and their target before hunting down a girl. She was perhaps ten and did not look to belong to one of the more well off societies in Stohess, so they promised her one silver to go to the inn and ask if he had any MP's staying there. She was to say she'd seen someone being pickpocketed in case any MP's were actually staying there and happened to be present at the time. A silver was a small fortune for a child like her, and wide-eyed the girl hurried off with the promise of receiving her payment upon her return.

Come evening though they returned to their hideout empty handed. The inn was small and had only three guests at this time, and none of them seemed suspicious. The disappointment within her felt palpable. She sat on the floor indoors, cleaning her rifle with minute precision. It was all she could do except wrapping those green sleeves around her chest to cry. When Jean stuck a small piece of bread in her face as he sat down beside her, she realized that she had forgotten to eat again.

"You won't become prettier if you lose weight you know" he said in some misguided attempt at humor.

"Don't ever become a comedian. You'll starve."

The truth was that food had lost its savor. As she ate the tears burned in her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. Jean sighed at her struggle and did something she would never have thought of him; he put his arm around her shoulders.

"There, there" he said flatly. "Don't you dare cry. I hate it when women cry."

Instead she snorted with laughter.


	19. 18

One man's wilderness is another man's playground.

Iris blew at the hairs that fell down her forehead and tickled the side of her nose. Behind her R.D raised her head from her feeding bucket, eyeing her rider as if judging her mood. The horse's chewing produced a low rumbling sound as her flat molars ground together in a slow, rhythmical way. Wispy white clouds drifted lazily above their heads, resembling giant white slugs creeping across the deep blue sky. The barn they were waiting by smelled of horse, dung and dirt. Across from her Sasha stood stiffly, wearing a long green cape, keeping her hood pulled up as if to accentuate that she was up to no good and knew it fully well. To her left Connie brushed through the mane of his horse as it was feeding. He had one of them hats on, this one being even uglier than the one Jean wore. Iris thought they were ridiculous as far as disguises go, because no teenage boy would, or should be caught dead in them. The streets were buzzing with the news that commander Erwin Smith had been arrested for murder. Rumors had him pinned as a dangerous leader of a cult previously known as the survey corps; trained and savage killers, obedient to a fault and now plotting to take over the military ranks.

The irony of it was just how close to the truth these rumors came, with one minor adjustment of course; they were trying to crown a new monarch. Most of the corps members would probably object to being labeled as savage killers as well. The people though, especially those in Stohess, remembered the military letting two titans battle here. Those who died that day had been a calculated sacrifice by Erwin, because an evacuation of Stohess ahead of time would have alerted Annie of their plans.

"Armin" Iris said quietly. He was sat atop a crate to her right, thoughtfully staring at a tuft of grass sprouting from the dirt. They grew here and there, forming small green patches in the street.

"Hm?" He looked up.

"I have been thinking about something. How do you think they knew that Dimo Reeves had turned sides?"

"I've been thinking about the same thing. Perhaps someone figured there was something suspicious about the 'accident' of the two interior MP's that we captured. Or they noticed that Mr. Reeves was acting strange. But them figuring everything out that way seems a little far-fetched, doesn't it?"

"With their job being what it is, paranoia probably comes naturally. They might just have suspected Mr. Reeves had betrayed them, and killed him to eliminate the possibility. Maybe they just had no more use of him."

"Why would the king have need of men like that around him..." Armin mumbled.

"Because people like us exist." She studied her nails. Biting them off had left the frayed and uneven.

"I have a feeling that whoever figured us out must have known Levi was likely to make a deal with Reeves instead of just killing him. But who other than Erwin and the veteran soldiers in the corps could judge his character so well?"

"He was pretty well known by the MP's back in the day; perhaps one of them took a special interest? Either way you're probably right."

"If I am they might see through our plan for today." He sounded troubled.

She was about to tell Armin there was little they could do about that when Jean came strolling around the street corner. He wrote a button up vest over his plain white shirt, paired with a pair of dark trousers, a cape and that ridiculous black fedora with a white linen band around the base. His combat gear was hidden underneath the cloak for the time being. As she saw him walking towards them Iris realized she had been wrong – He looked more like the overlord of a criminal gang than a quirky private detective. It was the eyes.

"You can use that street." He put his hand out, offering a flyer to Armin. "They were passing these out."

Iris poked her head over Armin's shoulder as he read the text. There was a drawn likeness of Levi on there, but if not for the hair Iris would not have known it was him. They had really not captured the captain's baby face, or his flinty eyes. "... This means the survey corps is dissolved" Armin stated numbly.

"Yeah, it feels like it's all over... Just in general" Jean muttered as she walked around Armin to put herself at his side. "I was prepared to die inside a titan's stomach, but to think that a bunch of angry people are going to lop my head off..." He sounded depressed.

"Hey it hasn't come to that yet" Armin argued. Iris reached up, and snatched the fedora off his head. He did not even protest as she turned it a couple of times in her hands, before placing it on herself. It was slightly too big.

"Always so cynical Jean. We still 'ave a heist to pull off, ya kno'" she drawled in a commoner's accent and pulled the hat down to cover one of her eyes. He gave her a look that said he'd rather not be reminded of it.

"The commander isn't going to sit back as they falsely accuse him and shut down the survey corps" Armin's eyes begged her for support.

"I care about finding out the truth, and rescuing our friends. The commander can take care of himself" Iris shrugged.

"Yeah about that," Armin continued, "it _has to be_ the undertaker, right? Who else would stay at an inn with two coffins?! ... And if we can just get lord Reiss to tell us or find records of how the walls were created then we can probably find out a way for Eren to harden his skin too."

There was a moment of silence. If Eren found that out they could retake wall Maria, find his basement and learn the truth about the world.

Reiner and Bertholdt were coming back along with that other one she'd heard about; the one who turned the people in Ragako into titans. That she was certain of. She wanted the truth before he came so she could face him head on; with no regrets. She felt the weight of her pistol against her thigh, and her throat produced a dry click as she swallowed.

"Even if it does go well... If you're going to kill other humans... you can still count me out. If the captain ordered me to kill I still don't think I could do it" Jean said through clenched teeth.

"Me too. Captain Levi thinks he can just use violence to make people do as he says... Just like he did with Historia" Connie agreed loudly. He spoke less since he'd found out about his village being destroyed. Iris wondered if the titan in his house, the one who had been his mother once, made him feel hope or anguish. She was not dead so he could not grieve for her, but the mother he'd known was gone.

"He acted all humble with the Reeves Company," Sasha fell in. "But threatened Historia when she was practically a husk of her usual self... He probably just wants her easier to control once she becomes queen!"

"In any case, I didn't join the survey corps to become part of a violent street gang. What I did was dedicate my heart to saving humanity." Jean closed his right fist in front of him, looking at it intently. She took his fedora in her hands, and placed it back onto his head, pushing it down onto his brow. He was a couple of inches or so taller than her, even though she'd grown in the last few years.

"So far the only people who have killed to get their way are the first interior squad. And we all know the secret of the Reiss family now, which means they cannot let us live. Are you going to die for this king?"

"Exactly, don't let yourself falter now" Armin chimed in. "Right Mikasa?"

"I always thought there was something off about that shorty" Mikasa replied darkly. "But I think our best option right now is to follow the captain's orders. And I'd like all of your to decide too, right now."

They all fell silent, their expressions unreadable. They would not have much time left to decide, and what kind of choice was it anyway? She stood with her hands at her sides, watching those huge white clouds passing by on their journey to someplace far off. _"What do you see yourselves doing tomorrow? Will you have food on your tables? Do you think you'll get a good night's rest in your beds? Will those around you still be there tomorrow?"_ Levi had said he never thought so for any of it. She thought it sounded like a wretched existence, but it seemed to be good enough for him. They had all misunderstood his intent with Historia, and with the Reeves.

After some contemplation they all agreed to proceed with the plan as before, and to follow Levi's orders. Jean still maintained he'd do anything but kill people, no matter the circumstances. So basically nothing had changed at all. They could not just give up on Eren and Historia and surrender them to the first interior squad knowing what kind of people they were. If Djel Sannes was just the tip of the iceberg, who knew what kind of other deviants that bolstered their ranks? She found herself saddling up R.D in silence, working slowly as if she wished to keep her hands busy for as long as possible.

"Iris" Jean muttered to get her attention. She had not heard his approach. "Are you sure you're alright with this? You're not making some rash decisions because of, you know, other reasons?"

"They're my decisions to make, so don't worry yourself with them... Why are you so adamant about not killing? These first interior people are willing to do it."

"Are you serious? Because it's wrong" He gave her a deeply troubled look.

"So it's an altruistic thing?" The question honestly seemed to puzzle him for a moment.

"No" he replied with an exasperated sigh as he ran his hand through his ashy brown hair, giving a slightly messy finish that suited him. She wondered where the fedora had gone. "How about compassion, empathy?"

"So you think people who kill lack empathy?"

"I don't know. Honestly these questions..." he drew in closer to her, lowering his voice. "Did you... I mean, did something happen to you sometime?"

She adjusted the saddle girth while trying to figure out what he was fishing for. She had said a little too much back in that den while they were torturing Djel Sannes. That man had put her on edge. Why had she even wanted to look at him? Had she thought that seeing him would make her feel good, seeing him so small and defenseless? She had thought she'd gained something from their little staring competition, but perhaps she'd had something taken away instead. It had been a stupid comment to make, especially since no one was going to follow through with it. Some little part of her had liked the thought of his red, blistering and skinless finger; some part had felt that he deserved that pain. But why, when - even though he had hurt so many people - he had never hurt anyone she knew? Altruism? Was there even such a thing? _"Reiner would have said that it is the duty of the strong to feel the pain of the weak." _The version of Reiner she'd known, at least.

"Like what?" She felt that the corners of her mouth had drawn down. She really ought to think less about Reiner.

"Like" he mumbled, "the way you talk sometimes, and those scars." He looked as if he was ashamed to admit he'd seen them.

"Are you curious of how I got them?"

He scowled. "Do you think I'm that tacky?"

She stopped what she was doing, contemplating the rough leather of her saddle for a moment. It was dry and dirty, in need of a good wash of soap and a coat of oil to keep it from drying out. Jean had used that defensive tone of voice, which meant he felt scrutinized.

"It's rather natural to be curious I think. I look a right mess, don't I?" She smiled a little, but Jean's face told her he was not of a mind to answer that question. "I ran into someone who had no good reason to hurt me. In truth he had good reason not to hurt me; but he did it anyway. The only explanation I could ever come up with is that my life simply meant nothing to him... Perhaps that's why I think that people have always thought of ways and reasons to kill each other. Maybe some reasons are good, I cannot say." She bit her lip, tearing at a little dry flake on it.

"Tch," Jean spat. "You and your damned middle ground. I thought good people did good things. Thought I'd be one of those people – Not one of the best, but passably good, having a comfy existence at the same time. I'm almost thinking I object to this because I'm a coward, not because I'm some 'good person'. How disappointing."

"I never took you for an idiot, so stop saying stupid things. You're still here. Give yourself some credit for once." She patted his shoulder. He pushed his lips together, and for once did as he was told. They continued to ready their horses and themselves for the task that lay ahead.

She noticed a slight tremor in her hand as she raised the bridle to offer the bit to R.D. It was barely noticeable, just a little quiver that no one would be able to see; only she would know it was ever there. She felt it in her bones as well, this anticipation of what was to come. It was the first time in a while that she would be in the field, yet her shoulder was not fully healed. If it came to fighting she would only have the bullet in her rifle and the bullet in her pistol to fend off her enemies with. She would be too slow and clumsy to reload on horseback, and her gear could only be used for escape if such was needed. Friends could fight and die before her because she had nothing left to fight with once she had fired her two bullets.

She let her eyes sweep over the barn and the comrades who were readying their horses. Which ones would she prioritize saving, the strategic choices, or those who might hesitate to use force to defend themselves? If she had to put her own life at risk to do it, would she? She had said to Jean that one bullet might be for her, but she had lied. She could not, would not die here. Not for anyone. Knowing that made it harder to look them in the eyes. She bit her lip, and tasted blood on her tongue.

The sound of gunfire resounding from the other side of the wall made her head snap up. Levi was over there together with Nifa, Keiji and Abel from Hange's squad. She whirled around, looking to the others.

"Gunfire, multiple shots over there!" Sasha pointed, confirming what Iris had heard. Levi had been found out.

"They found the captain, we'll switch to plan B" Armin looked between them, pale but steady. They hurried to mount their horses, bringing the extras with them. The plan had been for Levi to come here when the MP's made a move for it, and they would all follow the hearse on horseback, but this would have to do.

"This all seems like a game of cat and mouse. Whoever is in charge of them seems to know what to expect from us" she heard herself mutter.

"The gunfire is getting closer" Sasha said, looking over her shoulder. What exactly was coming? Was the hearse with the coffins even on the move? Next to her, Jean swallowed hard. He was looking rather pale and sweated profusely. She squeezed the reins in her hands, feeling that slight tremor. "You can't chase someone with vertical maneuvering equipment while firing a gun...but..." Sasha trailed off. Whoever was after Levi seemed to be doing just that.

"What MP could even keep up with Levi and his team?" Jean added.

"The first interior squad is nothing like the rest of the military police" Iris hummed darkly. They were far worse.

The hearse rolled through the gate at high speed. The driver, completely clad in black, leaned forward in his seat, giving the horses free reins. The clattering of the wheels against the cobbles sounded like thunder rolling down the street. Armin flicked his leather rains, and his horses broke into a gallop; a moment later Levi emerged through the gate of wall Rose. Behind him at least three members of the first interior squad was in pursuit. They were all equipped with vertical manuevering gear, but the soldiers did not look to have any blades drawn. Instead they had something that looked like _pistols_ in their hands. Iris blinked, looked again thinking she'd seen it wrong. The things in their hands still looked like pistols. Then she noticed the captain had blood spattered all across his face and his shirt. He was injured, though not badly by the looks of it. Whoever these people were, they had managed to injure humanity's strongest soldier.

They raced down the street that ran parallel with the one the hearse thundered down, and out of the corner of her eye Iris saw one of the MP's fly up close. The shy light from the sun above, partly veiled behind a cloud, reflected in the metal barrel of the gun the man held in hand. The sound as he fired was deafening. Levi twisted in the air as the side of the building just above his head exploded into a cloud of dust and debris. His gear hook shot out and lodged itself in the MP. With a flick of the switch the two of them were crashing towards each other as his line retracted. Even if the man saw death approach, he had no time to reload his gun. Levi's blades bit deep, almost severing the man into two pieces. He killed people in the same fashion he would kill a titan.

"He cut him apart" Jean breathed, so low she almost couldn't make out the words. The whites of his eyes seemed to shine with a strange light from out the shadow cast underneath the brim of his hat that he'd put back on. The corners of his mouth were turned down in an almost comically exaggerated grimace. He looked like he wanted to cry, but had forgotten how to.

Levi made it up ahead of them, resembling a demon in the sky with his blood soaked face. He signaled for them to turn left, further away from their target. Then he swung around, landing in the back of the wagon Armin was driving.

"Stop chasing the hearse. Our plan leaked" he ordered. "We have to give up on Eren and Historia for now. Their plan was to use the two of them as bait to lure out and kill the rest of the survey corps. There are probably more ambushes up ahead... that's how they killed the three I had with me."

_Will those around you still be here tomorrow? _Iris saw Mikasa grit her teeth, and her already dark grey eyes seemed to darken further. Her expression had been made of stone ever since Eren was taken, and now that she'd been within arm's reach of him she would have to let him go again.

"Armin, go left and get to open ground as fast as you can" Levi continued.

"Okay!"

"Sasha, Connie, you bring the horses."

"Yes sir!"

"Jean, provide fire from the cart."

"... Y-yes sir!" Jean's face turned the color of curdled milk.

"Iris, support Jean. You can fire from horseback."

"Yes captain."

"Mikasa, you and I will use our vertical maneuvering equipment to assist in the escape."

"What about Eren and Historia?" Mikasa asked him.

"We will have to find a different way. And that's assuming we make it out of here alive. Kill the enemy when you can, understand?"

"Yes, sir" she replied darkly.

The wind made the fringe of Iris's hair whip around her face as they rode. It was too late to fix it now, so all she could do was try to tuck it behind her ear. She had her rifle slung across her shoulder, and it thumped painfully against her lower back in rhythm with R.D's galloping steps. She would use the pistol first. At this speed and on horseback she would not be able to make any long range shots anyway. Better to wait to see if the enemy came up close where the short range of the pistol would not be a hindrance. Jean had better range and a better position to fire in now that he crawled into position in the wagon.

"Captain, they're here! Multiple enemies coming in from the right! We're turning!" Armin called out, and turned the wagon so sharply one of the wheels came off the ground, hovering in the air for one breathless second before it came crashing back down. A cloud of dirt stirred up behind them, and in the street people threw themselves out of the way screaming. Levi and Mikasa grappled into the building behind them, and were off. As one of the enemy's men fell out of the sky with a blade deeply lodged inside his skull, Jean shuddered in the back of the wagon. The muzzle of his gun was shaking so badly it would be a miracle if he hit anything even if he did try to defend them. He looked queasy.

"Agh, damn it! More people are dying... why, why'd this happen?" The droplets of sweat running down his face looked like tears.

"Jean?" Armin urged, but got no response. Behind them Iris saw one of the MP's break past the line of Mikasa and Levi fighting, heading straight for them. The soldier came in on the opposite side of the cart, and Iris raised her pistol. She aimed with both her eyes open, feeling her own heart hammer in her chest. _Two bullets. _Jean was in her line of fire, she couldn't get a clear shot. Damn it. The MP was a woman with her dark, shoulder length hair in a ponytail. She turned in the air, and pointed her gun at Armin's face. Iris still had no clear shot, she could just stare helplessly on as she imagined seeing the woman's finger flex to squeeze the trigger.

Out of nowhere Mikasa appeared, aiming a vicious kick at the woman's head. The force of the blow as her boot connected with the side of the MP's face sent her spinning and crashing down onto the back of the wagon next to Jean, who jumped so high it was a miracle he did not fall out of the wagon. He whirled around pointing his rifle at the woman. The muzzle of the gun was only inches away from her. Too close.

"Don't move!" he screamed, but did not shoot. The panic in his voice and on his face was evident. The MP would have to be stupid not to notice it. This time there was nothing in her line of fire, so Iris aimed her muzzle at the woman. For a moment the enemy did not move as ordered. Blood streamed from her nose, and it looked oddly crooked and squashed. Iris put her finger against the trigger, feeling the reassuring pressure of the sturdy metal against her fingertip. This was not how she had imagined it would be. The MP cowered on the floor of the cart, and seeing her like that it was easy to forget that just a moment ago she had intended to shoot Armin in the face. She had pretty eyes with long dark lashes, and it looked like she plucked her eyebrows – Perhaps so she would look pretty for someone. Did she have someone out there to whom she was everything that mattered? The woman moved, pushing herself up on her hands and knees. Iris's throat produced a dry click as she swallowed.

"I SAID DON'T MOVE!" Jean bellowed, and his voice cracked. The woman struck like a viper, knocking his rifle from his hands. He fell back against the side of the cart, speechless as the woman aimed her strange looking gun at him. She would shoot him in the face while looking him in the eyes. Iris readjusted her aim, pointing the muzzle of her pistol at the side of the woman's head. She saw a movement out of the corner of her eye as her finger squeezed the trigger. The recoil planted itself up her arm and into her shoulder, but it was the good arm. The sound of the gun going off was not as loud as she expected it to be, yet it left her ears ringing. The woman's body did a strange jerking motion as the round hit her... almost as if she had been shoved from behind just after the bullet hit the side of her skull. The back of her head exploded, blood and clumps of dark red matter sprayed upwards before the body slumped forwards. Iris stared at the dead MP, noticing a hole in the back of the woman's body. What was it doing there? Someone was screaming; had perhaps been screaming since the shot had gone off.

One shot, two holes.

She blinked, expecting the strange vision to fade but it remained. The woman had a hole in her back. One of her dark eyes was turned up so Iris could see the long, curved lashes. Then she remembered the movement she'd seen when pulling the trigger. It had to have been Armin who had pulled something out from underneath his cloak. She looked to him, realizing that he had shot the MP in the back.

"We're almost out of the town!" he called, facing forward. He urged the horses to give them more speed, never looking at the body behind him. Iris tried to put her pistol back in its holster, missing it twice because she was shaking so badly. Finally it went into place, and she secured the strap around it to keep the pistol from falling out. She told herself to breathe calmly as she rode up closer to the wagon where Jean was still slumped on the spot where he'd fallen. He stared at the body as if he was unable to take his eyes off it.

"Push it off the cart Jean, we can't take it with us" she urged him. Her lips felt strangely numb, and the ringing in her ears would not relent. For a moment it looked like he would protest, but then he grit his teeth and grabbed onto a fistful of clothing, pulling the body to the edge of the cart. He struggled to get her over the edge. With a dull thud she finally fell over and hit the pavestones.

Sasha stood on watch while the rest of them ate. They had made their way into the woods and were hiding by an old stable. Armin had at first been so shaken by what had happened that he could not stop shivering or heaving, but he seemed to be calming down now. There was palpable tension in the air that Captain Levi either seemed immune to, or he just did not care about. Sasha had stitched his wounds, and he seemed to be doing alright. Most of the blood on his face had been someone else's, which Iris was glad for. Jean sat staring into his cup. His brows which normally curved slightly now formed thin, straight lines on his forehead. He looked smaller, sunken somehow.

"What's wrong Armin, this filthy stable make you lose your appetite?" Levi asked the blonde boy who stared at his food as if he feared it was poisoned. The little captain casually sat with one leg underneath him. His teacup was placed on the ground next to him.

"No. There's something I don't really understand... When I pulled out my gun I-I thought I'd be too late, sorry Jean. I mean she was already aiming at you... I can't stop asking why Iris and I were able to shoot first...?"

Jean's shoulders sunk a little further. He closed his eyes. "Well..."

"She hesitated" Iris broke in. She hadn't spoken since they got here, yet her throat felt a little sore as if she had been screaming. Armin's eyes widened.

"Guys, I'm sorry. I should have fired much earlier, but I couldn't... and now..." Jean hung his head, looking as if he wished he could dive into his cup and disappear.

"I see, so that's what it was" Armin said hollowly. "The woman must have been a kind person then... more so than me. She must have been more _human _than I, because I did not stop to think. I just pulled the trigger right away. I'm-"

"Armin. Your hands are already dirty. You can never go back to who you were before" Levi's flinty eyes were fixed on the boy. Mikasa protested, but the captain ignored her. "Accept who you've become. If your hands were still clean then Jean might not be here right now. You were able to pull the trigger because you thought your friend was about to die. I'm grateful that you were ready to get your hands dirty."

"You pulled the trigger before me" Armin's eyes looked impossibly blue in the light from the fire. He was looking at her.

"I saw her face and hesitated too. Forgive me Jean, I should have shot her the moment I realized you couldn't. If you were dead... I'd never forgive myself." She spun the pistol in her hand, finding it difficult to put it down. It felt as if it belonged in her hand now. She had reloaded it, and the weapon smelled of gunpowder.

"No, this is my fault. Because I couldn't do what I should have you two had to... Captain Levi I thought your methods were wrong, but I just wanted to think that. I was afraid of having to hurt others. But you weren't wrong, I was. Next time, I'll fire. I'll protect my friends, I promise."

"Yeah, your hesitation put us in danger, but what's done is done. I won't tell you what's right and what's wrong, because I don't know what is. I never did. Were you really wrong?" Levi said gravely, and Jean looked stunned. Iris thought about how Dimo Reeves had said the captain was a kind man.

"Whether you kill others when you need to, or choose to die a pacifist has nothing to do with kindness" she said darkly. Jean's eyes met hers.

"Because of me you had to-"

"I'd do it again. I'm glad she's dead if that means you're alive. Anyone who presumes to pull a weapon and point it at someone I care about better be ready to face the same fate" she bit off, and the pistol in her had snapped to a stop, pointing towards the heavens.

"So you finally ended up killing someone" Levi's dull voice expressed some sort of emotion, though she had no idea which.

"Perhaps its fate" She turned to Levi, ignoring the confused looks on her friends faces. "Sorry Levi. I think you did what you did to give me the chance to lead a different kind of life. You must be very disappointed with me."

"With all the trouble I went to, I am. Should've known better than to think a child like that would choose a quiet life. At least you might turn out to be useful, instead of just rotting away in a hole somewhere." She smiled a little.

"Maybe I would not have been caught."

"Tch, a disturbing but spoiled brat, of course you'd have been caught."

"Hah, guess I owe you then. Thank you captain... I'm glad you're alright. Those guns were really potent. I wonder if they have rounds that scatter or something like it in them. Whatever they hit seemed to explode."

"Something like it. Must be some technology that's being kept a secret to all military branches apart from the first interior squad. Of all the people in the world, _they had to give it to a guy like that_" Levi muttered. He did not offer to explain whom he was speaking of, and the look on his face dissuaded them all from asking any further of it right then and there.

A few hours later Iris finished her watch for the night, leaving Armin to take her place. When she had asked if he would be alright out there he'd given her an odd little look, and said there was no way he could sleep anyhow. She gave him a little hesitant pat on the shoulder before she headed into the stables. The straw would offer somewhere to sleep that hopefully wasn't too cold.

The darkness inside made it difficult to see what was what, even though part of the roof above had caved and let the pale moonlight shine down inside. She heard the horses chewing on some old hay they'd been fed, and one of them scraped a steel clad shoe against the ground. She heard breathing as well, slow and steady. Seemed to her like everyone was asleep. She shuffled closer to the stalls she knew were empty of horses. She picked one that sounded like it was empty of people, and went into it to find a good spot. Her boot thumped against something, and she heard a little 'ouf' being uttered.

"Sorry," she whispered. "I thought this one was empty"

"It definitely isn't" Jean hissed back at her.

"Mind if I sleep here?" She felt as if she had aged ten years in a day. If she kept up at this pace she'd be ancient within the year.

"Erh, isn't that a bit weird?"

"I saved your life you know. Besides, wouldn't you feel safer knowing that a murderer is sleeping next to you?" she whispered in reply. She heard him shift on the straw.

"Sheesh, that really isn't funny you know"

"I'll take that as a 'please stay'" she said and bent to feel around with her hands for a spot in the straw. She sat down next to Jean, feeling how the spot was slightly warm where he'd shuffled to the side to make room for her. She undid her green cape so she could use it as a blanket, then she lay back. The straw smelled slightly of mold, and the draft chilled her.

"Iris"

"If you say you're sorry for freezing up one more time, I'm going to hit you. And not a nice little slap either, so shut it."

"Fine."

"You froze today, but you fought alongside me back in Trost even though you thought I was a hopeless soldier who'd be dead before the day was over" she mused. "It's like Levi said though. I'm just glad you're still here."

"Hah, that's so soppy I can't believe it's coming from you. I just wanted to not be a despicable person who abandoned his comrades back then, so I figured I had to try and get you through it. Sounds really selfish now that I think of it."

Iris pulled her cloak further up to her chin, flexing her toes in her boots. "Well I pretty much decided not to leave your side because I'd promised Reiner to not die, and I figured you were strong enough to be my best bet."

They were quiet for a while. She closed her eyes, letting the tiredness wash over her, ignoring the biting cold. A feeling of disorientation swept over her as she heard Jean's voice again, and she was unsure of whether she'd fallen asleep for a moment or not.

"You and Levi talking, what was that about?"

"Warm me and I'll tell you, I'm freezing here." She heard him shift uncomfortably, and then there was a sigh.

"It's your own fault for only wearing that smelly old shirt. Damn this is awkward." But he shuffled closer until their arms were touching. Perhaps he felt her quivering, because he turned on his side and put his arm across her. "Don't scream, I'm not groping you."

"I know that dumbass" She breathed slowly as she began to feel warmer. "The person who gave me all those scars, I wanted to kill him for what he did. The person who saved my life found out what I wanted to do and got me to tell him the name of my assailant instead. He saved my life more than just once, Levi."

After a slightly awkward silence, Jean said: "Man, I used to think my life was shitty just because it had been boring and uneventful."

"You've changed a lot since then though."

"So have you."

He could never know just how right he was about that. "I have. And I'm not done yet."

"The heck does that mean?"

"Nothing really, I'm just sleepy"


	20. 19

**An empire rises from the ashes – Year 850**

A crease formed between the guardsman's brows, and the many lines across his leathery forehead deepened as he frowned. The wispy hairs in his moustache moved as he read through the identification papers that she had provided him with. Perhaps his eyesight was poor, or he just found reading a daunting task because his lips moved with every word. People would usually not mouth out what they were reading, but children often did before they learned to read fluently. Her military trench coat was unbuttoned, stirring slightly with the breeze that made locks of her hair fall into her face. She waited patiently for the guard to finish.

"What's your business here cadet Bachmann?"

"I am here to visit Mr. Sannes" She removed her pistol from its holster and offered it to the guard in the booth by the gate. Questioningly he looked at the weapon, then to her.

"What would a nice girl like you want with that cur?" He made no move to accept the pistol. Iris let her eyes meet his, knowing how unrelenting hers could be made to look. The guard blinked, as if her gaze made him feel deeply uncomfortable.

"I am here to speak to him" was all she answered with. A man like him, nearing fifty years of age should at least take care not to seem too interested in the affairs of young girls. He took the pistol, putting it into something on the floor to the right side of his guard's chair. His mouth gave a small nervous twitch.

"Any and all weapons need to be surrendered here at the gate."

"That was all I was carrying. My papers?" She looked to the documents on the tabletop in front of the guard. He pushed them towards her. She rolled them back up, putting them into the inside breast pocket of her coat.

The guard exited his booth and made his way to the gate. He fumbled with his keyring. She would estimate he was 5'6", out of shape, and those red splotchy patches on the skin on his neck could suggest he liked his drink. His eyes were slightly sad now that she thought of it. They signaled the sense of self-worth that came with a crippling feeling of worthlessness and impotence. He found the right key, breathing a little harder than he had a minute ago. The door opened, and the guard motioned for her to step inside the fenced area around the prison facility. The sun hung low in the sky, and most of the people held here had finished their work shifts for the day. The majority were men, but apart from the fact they were all criminals they had little in common; old and young, high born murderers and low born scum, some scarred, other fresh faced and orderly.

She saw Sannes in amongst the others almost right away. He was at least four inches taller than most other men, and his broad shoulders and jet black hair made him stand out. As she made her way towards him it became clear to her that he was aware of her presence. Perhaps he'd made her the moment she showed up at the gates. The man looked oddly naked in his prisoner's jumpsuit. He still looked like a man who ought to wear a uniform, not this grey ragged outfit that slightly resembled pajamas. She made an effort not to let her tension show on her mouth. She was prone to purse her lips, pushing down the corners of her mouth whenever she was anxious. Old pa' would call it a "tell" – All people had them, and most did not know which theirs were. Someone who needed to hide their intentions needed to master their faces, masking their 'tells' and create false new ones. She had never been good with any of that but perhaps she was learning now, little by little.

Sannes was leaned against the side of the outer wall of the massive complex that housed the prisoners. It was one of the three facilities that had been established where military men and former nobles were sentenced to incarceration after the new monarchy was established. For his own safety, Djel Sannes had been separated from his former colleagues and was held here together with the worst dregs society had to offer; though Iris supposed he was no better than most of them. Sannes himself had let the word slip that he was the one who'd broken the secret of the true royal bloodline, perhaps hoping for a shiv in between his ribs and the cold embrace of death. They had thwarted any such plans by placing him here. He would have to live with his sins, now laid bare as the shield the royal family had provided him with had fallen.

"You again" he snorted, nostrils flaring slightly. "Here I was thinking that if I ever saw you again it'd be too soon."

"I want to talk to you" She stared him down.

"Got nothing to say to you. Go away, girl."

"Don't be so quick to send me away, I might be the last visitor you'll ever have." She spoke the words light heartedly as if she meant them as a joke. They both knew better. Staring at the ground, Sannes sighed heavily. He peered at her.

"What a cruel thing to say to someone who doesn't even own the clothes on his back. What do they call you?"

"My name is Iris Bachmann, although I suspect you'd guessed the latter part of that already"

To her surprise Sannes smiled, though his veiled eyes remained heavy. "Hah, is that what they call you. The resemblance is striking I'll admit."

"Let's sit" she pointed to a row of stone benches in the yard that would be warm from the sun. If she were to spend time with this man she may as well do it with the sun on her face.

Sannes went to where she had pointed out, sitting down slowly as if the last couple of weeks had aged him twenty years, turning him from a hardened grunt into a brittle old man. A sense of slow decay had settled in the slump of his shoulders, his now sagging skin and the grey streaks in his hair. The people who had died in his care would have seen a completely different man than the one she had in front of her. Now he looked a rather pitiful creature. She disliked how disarming his poor state of being was.

"Are you pleased now that you and your 'friends' have shattered the world my comrades and I sacrificed so much to build?"

"Shouldn't you be saying 'the world my comrades and I forced others to sacrifice so much to build'? No, I'm not pleased" She closed her eyes for a moment, fighting back her feeling of irritation. Because men had taken it upon themselves to play gods, deciding what their people were allowed to know, think and do for over a hundred years, her friends had suffered. They had fought against former allies, been wounded, kidnapped and degraded. Forced to do things they would never have chosen to do unless they had been faced with an impossible choice.

"What would children know of sacrifice? You were just a bunch of kids following the orders of those two, right? I bet none of you wanted to be part of a military coup, but you believed in your commanding officers. So you went ahead and did all those things anyway." He turned his face to her and his cold blue eyes shone with a strange light. "I believed in what I was doing too. You look at me with that judging stare, but deep down we are the same. "

"I did not come here to talk about any of that"

"And you didn't come to threaten me, so just what do you want?" He twisted his hands together in his lap. She thought he seemed uneasy.

"I want you to tell me about the business between you and my father."

"You people have already taken everything from me" Sannes' deadpan expression betrayed little of his thoughts, but his hands fidgeted, twisted. "Do you think I'd be stupid enough to risk the only thing I have left? I'll live out my existence here in quiet, hoping to get the privilege to die in my sleep. You tell him that."

"Tell who?"

His stare was that of a man wondering if he was being made fun of. "Is this a test? I don't know any names. Why would I? They're only a liability anyway."

"I'm not testing you or playing some game here, I came on my own behest because I want answers. I'll assume you meant for me to pass that message to my father whom I am certain you do know the name of. It'll relieve you to hear I haven't seen him in years, we're estranged you see." She narrowed her eyes at the former torturer. "Your reaction just now confirmed my suspicions about the nature of old pop's involvement with you lot."

Sannes' fish eyes were wide and watery and his laugh lacked any air of humor. "Hah, so you mean you really don't know? That's the worst joke I ever heard. He got to you somehow though, I can only imagine what he did to his offspring. I used to think you were a boy, always sneaking about trying to listen in on things you were not allowed to hear. Bet the good doctor thought it was such a shame you were a girl..." His smile was full of holes where Hange had pulled his teeth out.

"Words, but not the ones I want to hear. Just tell me what I want to know. I could _make you _tell me you know. No one would come to your aid."

"You don't have the stomach for it yet, girl, so don't joke about things you know nothing about" he sounded stressed now, and though he tried to hide it she could see his eyes scan the area around them as if to see if anyone was paying a little too much attention to their conversation. "I just want to die quietly now that I've had the chance to come here. I could tie my sheets into a noose, all because some girl would not take pity on a broken man. Do you want that on your conscience?" His blue, glassy eyes bulged slightly. His lips were thin and bloodless in contrast to his ashy skin.

"Threats seem to come naturally to you; I suppose I ought not to be surprised. Strangely fitting, what old pa' used to say: There's no refuge from confession but suicide, and suicide is confession" she muttered darkly. He blinked.

"What?"

"Guilt, it's about guilt. Guess I'll just have to go to him myself after we've retaken Maria. If I make it back, that is." She stood up, wanting to be gone from here as soon as possible. Sannes' lips trembled slightly. He licked them, leaving them glistening with saliva.

"Will you tell him? Tell him there's no need to... I-if he needs new subjects... I'll live quietly in here. If anyone asks I know nothing, I've never even heard of this doctor."

She stared at the middle aged torturer whose feverish eyes gleamed like those of a dog waiting for its master's appraisal. The tremor in his hands made the hem of his prisoner's shirt quiver in its folds. She averted her eyes and turned to walk away.

"Sannes" she said over her shoulder. "Do you see their faces when you close your eyes? Do you ever think about the things they never got to do because of you?"

"Who would bother living a depressing kind of life like that? I thought about my next promotion, what I'd have for dinner, how sweet Mila's tits looked in those low cut dresses, normal things. What kind of a miserable sod would go around thinking useless thoughts all the time? No one."

"But you were just doing your duty for something you believed in, right?" Why was she asking these questions as if the kind of replies he gave would make any difference whatsoever? No matter the intention or the circumstances, the deeds done were the same... Reiner's deeds would be the same no matter the reasons. Nothing could change them.

"At first. I was a young soldier, frightened by what I found that I could do. But it grew on me. The power to give pain or ease it, to frighten and then comfort, give a little hope and then take it away; it's addictive. One day you'll know for yourself."

She gritted her teeth. "I'll never be like you."

He laughed at her as she walked away; a high pitched, shrill laughter. He was a disgusting, miserable shell of a man. The twisted ideals he upheld had let him become something that only looked human on the outside, but who took joy in things ordinary men did not. She spat on the ground and banged her palm against the gate, hoping the guard would hurry here to let her out. He did not deserve her pity. Her hands coiled into fists, trembling slightly. She heard the guard fumbling on the other side of the gate, and then there was a click as the mechanism to the lock turned. She stepped outside, and the look on her face made the guardsman draw back from her. He hurried into his little hut to fetch her pistol which she accepted in silence. As she turned and started towards where R.D was tied in wait for her, she thought of the ill-disguised fear in Sannes voice.

The horse seemed to take note of her rider's state of mind as she mounted up and urged the filly forward. The horse's ears were thoughtfully turned back towards Iris as she galloped down the dirt road, stirring up little clouds of dust with her steel shodden hoofs. She let her thoughts wander to Historia. Since she had been crowned the girl had taken it upon herself to round up the runts of society everywhere to offer them shelter, food and safety. Iris had never seen Levi engage himself so much in anything that did not involve killing, but he had seen the lives that awaited the lowest of the low, and could perhaps sympathize with the orphans and street kids. And Historia, who had experienced little love or appreciation growing up, only seemed to have been made kinder and stronger from it. Iris envied her, if only a little. It was an ugly emotion, _envy_, and she much preferred to pretend she had no relationship with it – But what was the point in lying to oneself?

Historia had moved on, learned to see the colors on the canvas of the world again. They would speak sometimes when the opportunity arose, but it was not often they found themselves alone anymore. It was only with Historia she could speak of the things she thought of; the thoughts of Reiner, and how it was impossible to accept that he was gone, that they were supposedly enemies. How it rubbed her the wrong way, like thorns digging into an open wound, irreconcilable. The little queen had told her of a conversation she had had with Eren where he had said he would kill Bertholdt and Reiner. He had said he had no other choice. Those words pained her to think of, "no other choice".

She had gone with them as they visited Keith Shadis at the training grounds. It was the first time she had ever been inside his office, which also served as his dwelling. Calling it a home would be going too far, the man lived so sparingly it was a wonder he did not indulge in self-flagellation every time he had a joyful thought. He'd told the story of how Eren's father, Grisha had been found outside the walls. The natural assumption was that he was from the world outside, just like Reiner. And like the trio, he had chosen not to share his knowledge of the outside world with anyone. So many people knew the truth of the world, but chose to keep it to themselves. Grisha Yeager had returned after the fall of Maria and taken Eren into the woods where Shadis had found him sleeping later – Alone. Eren had eaten his father, gaining his abilities as a titan shifter.

After they reached that point in the story, all she could think about was that Reiner must have eaten someone too. How old had he been then, the day he was chosen to be turned into a weapon? Had the person about to be eaten volunteered like Dr. Yeager, or had the person pleaded for their life to the child standing before them? She had begun to question if there was any justice in this world other than that you made for yourself. Was it justice that Darius Zackly was keeping leaders of some of the former noble families as his prisoners, subjecting them to continuous torture? And the instructor, his sense of justice seemed to be that he should live a joyless life sending new young soldiers out into the world, some of them to be devoured before they had the faintest knowledge of the concept of adulthood.

Once Shadis had told them all he knew they thanked him; even Sasha, who had seemed to be deeply uncomfortable with being back inside that place. Her hapless, goofy nature had seen her sent there quite a few times during their three years of training, and the instructor's favorite punishment was to deny her dinner. Quite a mean thing to do to a girl who ate like a starved wolf every chance she got. Iris had lingered behind the others as they exited the instructor's little hut. Standing by the threshold she had looked to the man who had inspired both fear and determination in her. She told the instructor he should try to live better the time he had left, although deep down she knew Shadis would not do any of that. Why she had troubled herself to waste those words on him she did not know.

Jean and her had gone to Trost to visit his mother. He'd tried to sneak out in the early morning from their temporary residence inside Sina, but she had caught him. He'd cursed her and muttered, threatened not to go at all. But once she told him she would go see his mother without him if he backed out, he'd relented and come along. Why he was so afraid of his mother spending a little time with his friends she had never quite figured out. Seeing his reaction to her threatening to visit his home without him made her think that maybe he was afraid of his mother telling people of things he did not want anyone to know. Perhaps he was afraid of being laughed at, or made fun of. Had that happened to him? She thought asking would make him uncomfortable, so she let it be. His mother was delighted to see them, and fussed about to make them breakfast. After they'd eaten she had leaned over the table and locked eyes with Iris, and in a voice that both expressed pride and concern she had asked if her boy was doing as he was told. Iris told Mrs. Kirstein of the crucial part Jean had played in so many events since the day of their graduation ceremony, and of his leadership skills which had saved their lives many times. By the end the woman's eyes were aglow, and she practically lunged towards her son. Her boy found himself fighting off his mother who tried to wrap her arms around him and shower his cheeks with kisses. His face had still been a glowing scarlet when they took their leave. It took him some time to figure out she was in no mind to make fun of "Jeanie boy", but once he did he went back to being his usual dry self. The memory of that day brought a smile to her lips, and she felt the muscles in her face protest against the strain it put on them.

Richard carried her through the gate into wall Sina. The garrison soldiers stationed there waved to her as she passed them by, and she briefly reflected on how the survey corps had found themselves in a place of friendly greetings from strangers, and even receiving some admiration from the common people. In a heartbeat they had gone from dangerous criminals to some kind of league of heroes, almost drowning in the large amount of new requests for transfer from the other military branches. Wearing the wings of freedom was all the rage right now, but would that change after the expedition tomorrow? If they were successful they might even find themselves buried underneath a mountain of transfer papers a week or so from now; _but if they failed..._

She had not told anyone except Levi of where she was headed today. The captain had not seemed too surprised when she told him that she had seen Djel Sannes around her father's little clinic in the past. But it was always difficult to deduce anything about the inner workings of Levi just from looking at his face. He did not have a way with words either and often found himself having said rather harsh, rude or just very misleading things to people. Iris had a theory that he had at some point figured out he was prone to saying the wrong things, and adapted a way of living where he let his actions speak for him.

If there was more time to investigate all the loose ends surrounding the way their society had been run, they might very well have prioritized investigating the wider net of people surrounding the first interior squad. But as things stood now all the immediately guilty parties had been trialed and sentenced, and everyone either had their hands full with maintaining order in this new society, or assisting with the preparations for the expedition to retake Maria. One of the rookies who had joined the survey corps in the time leading up to this next expedition was Marlowe; the one who had joined their side in their time of need and helped them find the way to the first interior squad's headquarters. He was very... upbeat, young and naïve with very idealistic thoughts and values. He had at one point stared at her neck, inquiring what had happened to it. She told him someone cut it, and asked him what had happened to his hair. For a moment he'd appeared dumbstruck, but then he had laughed and told her "someone cut it". After that she thought he was alright.

She reached the grounds of the military base, bustling with people and animals busy at work with their own separate tasks. Soldiers were scattered across the obstacle course over by the flatlands on the brink of the forest. Calling it a forest was an exaggeration to be honest; there were no real forests within Sina, only bunches of trees that covered enough ground to be large enough to get lost in. They only remained because the soil was not rich enough to grow fruit, grapes, tobacco or other luxury items that were produced in these southern parts. In this particular spot the military had utilized the forest as another training ground for their maneuvering gear, quite similar to the one they'd had back at Shadis's military training camp. To her left were the stables, the barns, storage buildings and the pastures where horses were either grazing or half asleep while lapping up the sun. They were all blissfully unaware of the dangers that awaited them tomorrow. Titans were not interested in horses sure, but horses were often trampled, crushed or tossed around in the titans' pursuit of human flesh. And any horses running off into the wilderness would be forced to endure a much harder life then it was accustomed to. There had been times the corps had come across the carcasses of escaped horses outside the walls, ones who had not adapted to the tougher diet, or more commonly failed to find water and succumbed to thirst.

After putting R.D back in her field with the promise of a treat later that night, Iris headed towards the second largest building on the grounds. The stone building stood two stories tall, composed of granite bricks with a structure made of timber. The windows were small, the tiled roof dark, and the steps in front were worn. The building did have a rustic kind of charm she thought as she climbed the stairs to the entrance. The entrance hall on the inside felt to her much like a library, urging her to speak in whispers and walk with light footfalls, as if too much noise might entice the ghosts who lingered there. Her steps then steered her towards Eren's sleeping quarters. When he was not training he spent quite a lot of time in bed for the time being. The work took a toll on him, and he would sleep quite a lot.

Their voices drifting out into the corridor let her know Eren had company. Quietly she slowed her steps, padding closer while listening intently, hoping to figure out whom the voices belonged to. _"Armin"_ she thought about the lighter voice. Unless pigs had learned to fly Mikasa would be there with them as well, quiet as ever. She heard Jean complaining, and though she could not make out what about she easily recognized his tone of voice. After listening for a few moments she decided there was a good chance there was no one but them inside, so she stepped into the light shining out through the doorway from the room inside. Armin startled.

"I-Iris" he stuttered.

"Don't creep up on people like that, it's disturbing" Jean made a face of disapproval. Mikasa only looked up, but did little else to acknowledge her arrival. Eren was sitting in his bed, and she thought she could see small red flakes of dried blood under one of his nostrils. He did his best to hide it when his nose bled, but they all knew about it anyway. The only one who seemed completely oblivious to the extreme toll the training took on Eren was squad leader Hange, who got so carried away with her experiments she forgot everything else; including the most basic things like sleeping, eating and on occasion, washing.

"Are you expecting anyone else?" she asked them.

"We weren't exactly expecting you either. Where have you been?" Eren's eyes were searching.

"So no one else?" She looked between them, and when no one spoke up she turned, grabbed for the door handle, and shut the door behind her. She turned the key in its hole, and heard the locking mechanism click.

"The hell" Jean muttered. Iris drew a couple of calm, deep breaths. She cleared her throat.

"I want to tell you something. You should know at least part of the truth about the world you are defending, but what I tell you must not leave this room for the time being" She wondered if she was making a mistake in doing this. Their faces were mostly blank as if they did not quite know what to make of this strange new pattern of behavior from her. She was not one to _share_ normally.

"I'm not sure what you mean by that, but you can trust me" Eren replied. Armin shifted uncomfortably.

"Me as well"

Mikasa looked at her with dull grey eyes. "As long as it doesn't put Eren in a bad situation" Eren groaned almost inaudibly, and earned himself a slightly sullen look from Jean.

"Really need me to say it?" His pursed lips indicated he would take it as a slight if she made him swear to it.

With her back against the door, she allowed herself to slide down onto the floor. It felt cold and hard underneath her, and she suddenly felt slightly ill when she thought of how much dirt there would be on her trousers once she stood. Whatever Levi had it seemed to be somewhat contagious.

"Where to begin?" she mused, closing her eyes. "You know what the Reiss family and the nobles had other people do to anyone who threatened their rule. What you don't know is that so much more has been going on. This nation is sick, and many through the years have had their own ideas about how to make it well again. The survey corps is one example of this, but there's another that I think you should know about."

She opened her eyes again, letting her gaze rest on the windowsill where a fly crept through the dust, leaving a little trail behind it, like the stroke of a paintbrush on a canvas.

"Not too many years ago there was a group of people conducting a covert operation within these walls. They took people out of their homes, poor people I believe, and rounded them up before sending them to their research facilities. There they were stripped of their belongings, divided into groups, and were made to partake in whatever experiments the group was running. Some were used as enforcers for a while; I suppose they thought it was their only chance to avoid being made research subjects instead. Sooner or later they ended up on the table themselves however, or in one of the observation chambers, despite their best efforts." A heavy silence rested inside the room.

"I don't know how many people they took during those years, five hundred, a thousand, more? My point is that it must have been a known fact that people were taken, people who never returned again, yet those who knew stood by and let it happen. Perhaps they thanked their lucky star they had not been chosen, I don't know" Her braided hair was slung over her right shoulder, and she found herself staring at the few unruly locks of hair sticking out towards the bottom of it. "I keep wondering if there is still records of the missing people within these walls? Somehow I doubt it... They were chosen because they were 'special' supposedly; perhaps special like the Ackermans and the Asians seem to be. I was told they had made the ultimate sacrifice, and that we owed them our respect. The older I get, the more I think that my respect for people who were violated in such ways by a corrupt system would not mean shit."

She fell silent. The bottom of her spine felt oddly numb after sitting on the cold stone floor for so long.

"How do you know any of this happened?" Armin asked in a low voice. She had thought he would be naturally inclined to believe her because of how he viewed the world and the people within it.

"I've seen the researcher's notes. I've also seen illustrations of their... results. At least I believe they were illustrations, or perhaps I was there. It's so many years ago... I can't think of why I'd have been there though."

"I don't mean to question what you think you saw, but why would something like that be done? What was the purpose of it?" he asked insistently. She felt her face twist into a grimace, and her lips pursed. A 'tell', everyone had them. Even her old pa', but which were his 'tells'?

"The one trial I remember best concerned something called 'sulfuric acid' and how it affected a human body. How much you could dilute it before it became harmless, what amount of dilution caused the most damage without threatening the subjects life in an acute way, how pure it had to be to completely dissolve a body, what the effects were on the internal organs upon ingestion... Such things. There were more trials than that one, many more. I only remember that one particularly well because one of the women they used for it had such pretty hair... At least before they started with her" Iris pushed her fingers into her eyes, feeling the stinging sensation in them as the salt residue on her fingertips was transferred into the inner corners of her eyes.

Jean produced some kind of choking sound, and she heard Eren shift uncomfortably in his bed "That... So you're saying some people knew about this?" Eren's voice had a strangely hollow ring to it.

"Yes" her lips barely moved to form the words. "My father knew. In fact, the notes and illustrations I was shown belonged to him."

On the other side of the door, somewhere further into the bowels of the building, some people were talking in light voices. There was the sound of laughter, echoing slightly through the halls. Tomorrow they would ride for wall Maria, hoping to reclaim Shiganshina and find out the truth that Eren's father had hidden inside the basement of their house. She also had the feeling that Reiner would be waiting for them out there. There was nowhere left to run now; she would have to confront him. She had no time left to make any plans that made sense, no time left to find out the truth, and no time left to find out just what kind of blood she had running through her veins.

_There was simply no time left._


	21. 20

**The battle for Shiganshina - Year 850**

Anyone who has walked through the forest knows the feeling you get once you realize the world around you is alive with so much more than what you can see with your two eyes. Her footsteps thudded quietly against the soft yet compact undergrowth. The people around her all seemed to be making a conscious effort to walk quietly, careful not to disturb anything lurking in these woods. The silent trees around her and the darkness lingering in between them felt vast and imposing. If she listened intently she could make out the sound of a light breeze through the thickets, and it reminded her of the sound of air wheezing out between puckered lips; like the silent echo of a child somewhere out there in the dark, trying to learn how to whistle. The sound of a tree branch snapping underneath one of the horses' hooves made her jump, and she heard the sound of her heart thundering in her ears.

"Easy, it's just the horses" Jean hissed next to her, but her flickering heart would not relent. It beat hard and fast in her chest, calling out to her flesh to be alert, be ready. Fight. She pursed her lips, and heard those unbidden words whisper inside her mind: _"It's a 'tell', everyone has them"_

"I know that" she quietly snapped back at him. The look he gave her was full of concern, but he pressed his lips together and said nothing. What was there to say anyway? But he did look over his shoulder to the group behind them carrying the thunder spears. Their new weapons were able to blast through materials their blades could not pierce. She knew they were there, but did not want to look at them. She had seen what they could do. That was enough.

Perhaps sensing that she wanted to be alone, Jean went slightly ahead to bicker with Eren. She heard the group of friends talking, but their words faded into the murmur of her thoughts. She kept her eyes on the dark ground before her, each step of her feet feeling heavier than the last. The titan they came upon just sat there on its ass; its deadpan fish eyes never even moved to look at them. The titans at Utgard, now believed to be the villagers from Ragako, must have been special somehow. Further through the darkness they went at a slow, creeping pace. Every single member of the survey corps was in attendance, and for the first time in many years the people who saw them off had cheered. The success of this mission was a possibility because of Eren, but the reason anyone really dared believe it was because Commander Erwin was betting everything he had on this. He had even come along with them, despite Levi doing his best to dissuade the man. The captain hadn't said that he'd done it, but she had seen it on his face. The kind of friendship between those two had was difficult for her to understand, especially once she had learned the story behind how Levi had gone from an underground thug to humanity's strongest soldier. She thought that maybe they relied on each other in some strange way; Levi was the sword and Erwin its wielder. But it was only a theory.

She heard Mikasa say she recognized this place; that she used to come there to gather firewood. How Mikasa could recognize anything inside the darkness of this wild forest was beyond her understanding. All she saw was grass, bushes, trees and dark shapes all around her. That's when they heard the call from the front of the procession, letting them know they had reached the foot of the mountain. Just as the first trickling light of dawn became visible across the sky, they mounted up and rode hard for wall Maria, and the hole leading into Shiganshina.

The ruins of the settlement just outside of the gate stood empty, clear of titans as far as they could see. The horses thundered down the main street, stirring up a huge cloud of dust around them. As the wall came rushing on and the sound of her own heart drowned out everything else in the world, Iris's eyes darted between the people around her on their horses. Their green capes flapped in the wind, tousled strands of hair whipped around pale faces. Some soldiers sported looks of excitement, though most were grave but full of determination. Her eyes found Jean's, and as he mouthed _"You ok?" _to her she felt her lips tremble. Unable to force her features into a look of hardened resolve she just stared back at him, wondering if the horror showed on her face.

With trembling hands she pulled her hood up to hide her face, and around her the riders did the same. She kicked her feet free of the stirrups, let her reins go and readied her gear. Drawing her blades, she hooked onto wall Maria and felt that old familiar tug around her midsection as her body was launched off R.D's back and into the air. Her eyes watered as she flew upwards, and with less control than she ought to have now that she was a seasoned soldier, she crossed over the edge and came to a stop atop the wall. Ahead of her lay the abandoned buildings of Shiganshina and beyond it she could see the wilderness she used to dream of. The wondrous world beyond the walls looked to her like it was just more of what they already had inside. The same grass grew, the same trees loomed, and above it all the sky was innocently blue. Her eyes scanned the top of the wall around her but found nothing. The place appeared to be abandoned.

She felt a tug at her sleeve. "Come on!" Jean urged, snapping her out of her dazed state. She rushed her steps behind him, seeing the soldiers in their group run to the side of the outer wall, launching themselves forward over the city below. The goal was to get Eren to the outer wall quickly while concealing everyone's faces with the hopes that the enemy would have no time to figure out where Eren was. Her eyes landed on Armin who had stopped running, looking at something by his feet. Running past him she shot one look towards the spot at his feet, and instantly she knew what he was seeing. Soot, as if from a campfire. A black mark ran down across the edge of the wall as if the remainders of the fire had been kicked over the side. Then she was back in the air close behind Jean, and somewhere among the green shapes in the air around her was Eren.

They reached the outer wall within minutes, landing their party of soldiers' right above the gate. She saw Levi and Hange stand back to back, each of them keeping watch the way they were facing. The green caped person still in the air must be Eren heading for the outside of the wall this very second. The city around them was quiet, empty, dead. To her left she heard Jean mutter "Trap", and heard Connie argue they couldn't know that.

"There should be titans here" she heard someone say, only to realize she was the one speaking a moment later. Sasha's eyes met hers, and she saw the experienced huntress had made the same deduction she had. There was only one good reason for there to be no titans here. She looked around her again, searching the wall and the city below. A flash of light behind her signaled Eren's transformation, and she heard shouts confirming that he had succeeded in closing the hole. A droplet of sweat ran down her forehead and into her right eye. It stung, but she forced herself to keep looking. The flares were fired, and reluctantly she tore her eyes away from Shiganshina.

"We're heading to the inner gate! Keep your faces hidden!" Hange ordered. Everyone scrambled to obey. In passing she heard Levi tell Eren that until they had killed all their enemies, including Reiner and Bertholdt, the mission to retake Maria would not be over. Iris felt her muscles tremble slightly as she descended into the city below, chasing behind her comrades on their way to the inner gate. She had been told that was the gate that the armored titan had smashed through five years ago, directly and indirectly causing the deaths of over one hundred thousand people. She bit her lip hard and tasted blood in her mouth. She kept asking herself what to do, and as if by their own will, her eyes kept searching the area around her.

The sight of a yellow flare from the commander's position caught her attention. That was the signal to halt the operation. She felt her own rapid breathing increase even more as she experienced a pain she had not felt in a long while. The scars on her back seemed to come alive, burning as if they remembered the edge of the blade. She heard Hange bark for them to spread out on top of the wall and wait for further orders, and she saw the others obey. She heard strange noises coming from the inner wall where the rest of the troops were located. The clangs of metal meeting stone came drifting their way, tapping in a rhythmical fashion. She landed next to Sasha, Jean and Connie who stood back to back, looking around them with wide eyes.

"What's going on?" she asked Jean. There was tension showing on his face, and those cool and slightly slanted eyes were thoughtful.

"Yeah, should we really be stopping here?" Connie muttered under his breath.

"What was the point of that quick charge... Wait" She saw the light of understanding dawn in Jean's eyes as he turned them towards the wall, listening intently to the tapping.

That's when she understood.

As she was turning she saw Levi head off towards the commander's position. The speed with which he moved through the air distorted his features into a blur of green fabric, and the light from the sun that reflected back from his blades blinded her for a moment. She blinked.

"Iris, don't" she heard Jean's voice behind her. "It has to be this way"

"Don't ever say that to me again" Her voice was cold.

Without another moment's hesitation she went after Levi, utilizing the buildings below to maximize her speed. Even at the full use of her skills she could not catch up to Levi who had a good head start. If there were calls for her from behind the wind must have drowned them out, because she heard nothing but its howls. Armin must have figured something out, and judging from the sound of that tapping they were searching the wall for some kind of crevice where someone might be hiding. Was that their plan, a surprise attack from within? Just before she reached the wall she heard a shout from the other side, signaling that someone had found something. She felt a stab of pain in her chest as if someone had slipped a shiv in between two of her ribs, and she maneuvered herself up towards the top of the wall with such a sharp turn she felt her head snap back painfully. For a moment she felt an uncomfortable burning sensation at the base of her neck as she soared upwards, but it faded as she was flung up over the edge. Her eyes trailed downwards, found the target of their search, widened. _Reiner..._

The light from the sun made his blonde hair glow like spun gold. His muscles bulged underneath the cloth of his shirt, and the straps of his maneuvering gear looked to be digging into his flesh. His lips had drawn back to bare his teeth in a menacing snarl, and it startled her to see he looked every inch the beast they had described him being after their real identities had been revealed. He and Levi were entangled in some strange embrace, and it took her a moment to process what she was seeing. Reiner's neck had been pierced with a blade, and what looked like an embrace was actually the captain having driven his second blade right into his chest. For one short moment the world stood still around her. All she heard was the beating of her own heart. Her brain felt like it had been filled with cotton; she saw the scene below, but she did not understand. There were no thoughts to think, no actions to take. She just hung there midair in infinite suspension, staring down. Reiner's own blade was slick with crimson blood. He was falling towards the ground.

Her mouth opened to call his name, but all the air seemed to have left her lungs. He bled from the wounds where steel had cut through his warm flesh. His eyes were veiled and staring blankly at that clear blue sky above, unaware of her presence. Even as Levi broke away from him shouting and cursing she did not understand. All she could do was watch the person who mattered most to her bleed as he was falling. She felt her own knees crunch against the flat surface of the wall as her own body crashed down on top of it without making any effort to break her fall. The dull sound of him hitting the ground made her cringe, but as she saw him lie there she finally understood what was happening. The world flashed before her, temporarily illuminated by a strange light, and the wall trembled with the rumbling sound of thunder. A cloud of dust and smoke enveloped his broken body, and once the air cleared she found herself staring at the armored titan's muscular form. Its chest was broader, and it was more powerfully built than any other titan she had seen before. She saw its blonde hair, and with a chill she thought to herself that it even looked like Reiner. It lay still for a moment as if pondering its next move, or perhaps it was weakened by Reiner's injuries.

She heard what sounded like a feint echo from somewhere, and then Commander Erwin gave the order to search for and capture any other enemies. He was interrupted mid-sentence by a series of loud bangs, and out of the corner of her eye she registered that all the soldiers were now staring behind her. Iris forced herself to take her eyes off Reiner's titan form, and swung her head around to see what everyone was looking at with such startled expressions. Her eyes settled on the huge ape-like titan just as it flung a massive rock their way. It was surrounded by a large number of titans of all sizes; all of them standing perfectly still as if waiting to receive their orders. She had never seen titans behave that way before. She had time to ask herself if it was possible that this beast titan could control other titans just like Eren was believed to have done once, before the piece of rock smashed into the base of the wall down by the hole in the gate. It crumbled to pieces, blocking the way into Shiganshina for the corps horses.

She whipped her head back around when she sensed movement from Reiner behind her. As if the stone shattering against the wall had been a signal he was now moving. The massive titan form had its teeth bared in a similar snarl to the one she'd seen on his features only a minute or so ago. The titan's eyes glowed in its skull as it got to its knees, stood. And then it called out; a deep, rumbling cry echoed between the walls of Shiganshina. The armored titan's fingers grew into long, hooked claws, and she realized he meant to use them to climb the wall. Their plan was probably to attack from both sides at the same time, wedging the corps in between them before releasing the incredible destructive power of Bertholdt's massive titan form. If they succeeded, the survey corps would be completely wiped out. Her train of thought was broken when the massive, furry beast titan bellowed, slamming one massive fist against the ground. At his feet, the smallest titans started sprinting towards the foot of the wall where the horses and the new recruits were posted. And on the other side Reiner began climbing up towards them.

She felt her brows furrow as she looked upon the monstrous features of Reiner's titan form. She imagined his thoughts were fixed on accomplishing this mission, shutting out everything else. Looking to her left she saw squad Hange and the rest of squad Levi had joined them in this spot, and all eyes were turned to Erwin. Quietly he contemplated their situation, never letting his cool blue eyes stray from the beast titan. The wait was excruciating, but the orders finally came. Squad Levi and squad Hange were ordered to take down the armored titan, and she felt herself sigh with relief.

Being ordered to keep the horses safe would have been bad.

She composed herself, masking her relief behind a frown as her comrades turned her way. The commander held Armin and Levi back, discussing something with them in hushed voices. She accepted two of the thunder spears that were offered to her, feeling their weight as they were attached to her. She stared at the cold metal, seeing her own reflection stare back at her with its unyielding blue eyes. Then she noticed Jean's looks, and her facial expression hardened.

She listened to Armin and Hange lay out the strategy before them without a word, and followed behind the others as they moved into position down inside the ruined city. She landed on one of the roofs, and for the third time today she saw that strange flash of light that appeared as Eren shifted into his tall titan form. The sound of thunder rang in her ears a split second later, and then she was hit by a strong gust of air that made her braided hair flap behind her. Atop the wall she saw Reiner turn around, peering down at Eren who started moving away from the wall, further into Shiganshina. It only took him a few seconds to comprehend their strategy, and then he was on his way back down. She felt the ground rumble as he connected with it, and thought that all that armor must weigh a considerable amount. Eren stopped moving, drawing Reiner into the right position. Sweating, she wondered where Bertholdt might be. If he showed up at the wrong time he could screw up this entire plan.

The two titans clashed together, but Eren managed to duck and evade every single blow Reiner directed at him. The first punch Eren threw with his hardened knuckles made the armored titan's face fracture with a terrible crunching sound. She cringed, and found her eyes staring down at the green fabric of her shirt. With all the weight she had lost it was large enough to accommodate three of her. She shook her head, trying to clear it, and started moving into position. This was no time for useless thoughts. She had a job to do, and she must do it well. Everything was at stake.

She saw the two shifters grapple, making the earth tremble beneath their feet as they wrestled. For a moment they were in a deadlock with Eren having the upper hand. Reiner realized he needed to break free, and rolled out of the other shifter's grasp. He was losing this fight, she thought, and he probably knew it too. That's when the signal was given, and she saw Hange and Mikasa move in. Reiner saw them coming, and on some level he must have been aware of the fact he was surrounded, but he did not consider them a threat to him. Too late did he react to the thunder spears, and the women were successful in driving theirs into the eyes of the armored titan. The blast shattered the titan's eyes, temporarily blinding him to their movements.

That was her que; time to move. She snapped her jaw shut, ignored her muscles screaming in protest, and zoned in on the neck of Reiner's titan. Out of the corners of her eyes she saw Connie, Sasha and Jean join her in doing the same. With the wind howling in her ears she executed their swift attack, firing the spear from her right arm into the nape of Reiner's neck. The spears found their mark, and as they swung away to put some distance between them and him, she heard the blast go off. The cheers from her fellow soldiers confirmed their success, and from somewhere she heard Hange give the order to finish him off. She was already turning in the air, diving back in. She would dig him out of that dark, disgusting place. The wind made her eyes water, so she detached her remaining thunder spear and drew her blades without use of her sight. His flesh would regrow even if she did a bad job carving him out of that titan. The world was blurry, but she could see she was almost there; just a little further.

Strong arms wrapped around her as another person slammed into her from the side, altering their trajectory. Her furious scream echoed between the ruined buildings as she struggled to get loose. She kicked the person holding her, feeling her blood run cold as time slipped between her fingers. They would be moving in with those spears by now. She had to stop them or they would kill him. They would kill Reiner.

"Stop!" Jean shouted in her ear, and then he cried out in pain as she directed a hard kick at his kneecap. The two of them crashed onto the side of a roof in a jumble of wires and green fabric. She accidentally pressed the release on her devices, hearing her blades clatter against the roof tiles. She finally felt herself slip from his grip and she scrambled to her feet with her heart hammering in her ears. She could still make it, she could still-

The sound from the explosion seemed to plant itself inside her chest, ripping through her flesh as it tore her apart. She closed her eyes to blink, and the world around her seemed to come and go in flashes. Her feet were treading air. She felt wind on her face, but she could not see. She was no longer flying, but this place was hot, too hot. The world flashed back before her eyes, and the ringing in her ears drowned out everything else.

She was stood on the armored titan. Her cape was gone. One stumbling step forward brought her up to him, and the cloud of smoke enveloped them. She wrapped her arms around him as if to shield him from harm. She held that beloved flesh tightly against her own body, feeling his warm blood wash over her. They had been so close to each other, but he had never known she was there. His body felt so warm against hers, just like it always had felt before. If she closed her eyes, it was almost as if these past few months had only been a bad dream.

Iris barely registered the movement as the armored titan raised its head, and the sound it produced only sounded like a faint whisper to her ears, though she felt her chest vibrate with the sound. As he slumped back over she held on tighter, wondering if the wetness on her face was blood or tears. Something that could be voices rang inside her head, oddly distorted but intelligible. She heard the words "blow its whole body apart", and then she heard Armin scream to get away. The colossal titan was coming in from above to blow them all away. She closed her eyes and waited, content with everything coming to an end here.

Moments later she heard the whoosh of someone coming in using their maneuvering gear, and instinctively shifted to shield Reiner's body with her own. She thought to draw a blade to defend them with, but there was not enough time. The person came to a stop next to her, and when nothing happened for another two seconds she opened her eyes, staring up at the person.

"Bertholdt" His name flew as a whisper from her lips. His face was incredibly pale.

"Reiner?!" he half sighed, half shouted. His face twisted as he inspected what they had done... what she had helped them do. He bent over, carefully placing his hand on Reiner's chest. He still felt so warm in her arms, as if he was still-

"He's alive" Berthold's eyes met hers. "He must have succeeded in transferring his consciousness across his entire nervous system, probably even going so far as to link himself to his titan's brain to retain his memories. It's a last resort... I-I can't believe you people were able to push him into doing this... I told him I wouldn't harm you, but if you get in my way I will kill you Iris. This needs to end."

He straightened himself up, frowning at the tears of joy rolling down her cheeks. It was not too late.

"Reiner" he said gently, "I want to ask you something. If you can, I need you to move your body a bit. If you can't... I'm sorry, but you need to prepare yourself. I'm going to end this."

Perhaps it was only her imagination, but she thought she might have felt the slightest twitch of his muscles when he heard Bertholdt's words... However it was possible he could hear in this state. The top of his head had been completely blown off in the blast, but if his friend was right he was connected to his titan's brain right now. In a way he had been forced to fuse himself with this disgusting flesh that was the cause of all this evil. She watched Bertholdt head off, and knew that his targets were her comrades. She hoped she had not hurt Jean earlier. She needed to chase after Bertholdt, protect her friends. But she could not leave Reiner, not again. Iris bit her lip, wincing at the pain as she felt the blood on her tongue, and she let her face fall forward to rest against Reiner's shoulder. No matter what she chose someone might die.

"Reiner" she whispered, hearing her voice cracking. She could feel his heart beat now that she focused on it. "I'm here now." Perhaps it was only her imagination, but she could have sworn that his heart sped up when he heard the sound of her voice, so she kept on speaking. "When you said we'd see each other soon I didn't think I'd have to wait for two months... I've missed you." She stroked his back with her hands, and the curves and ridges of his muscles felt so familiar beneath her fingertips. She wanted to keep holding onto him like this, shutting out the chaos around them.

"Do you think you can move? You heard what Bertholdt said; you need to prepare. If he transforms and your body is exposed like this you might be hurt even more... and the soldiers will be coming too" For a moment everything seemed still. Then she felt the armored titan shift the slightest bit. "Yeah, that's right" she urged him on only to realize a smile had spread across her lips. Slowly she let her arms fall to her sides. The smile faded, and beneath her the armored titan stopped moving. A few moments passed, and she began to wonder what was amiss.

"You're in the way dumbass" she muttered, forcing her heavy body to move. She hooked onto what remained of the house nearby, soaring up before coming to rest on top of a naked wooden beam that still stood upright though the building around it had crumbled. She hoped Jean would stay away from Bertholdt, because the gentle giant had a look about him she had never seen before. He had seemed focused, almost content with this bitter battle.

The armored titan slowly turned on its side. Dust stirred up to envelop its body as it rolled over on its back. The cloud was thick enough to completely obscure her view, making her cough dryly as she drew the pulverized brick and stone into her lungs. Afraid that the soldiers could show up while she was temporarily blinded, Iris shot her hooks down into the cloud, hearing the clang as they attached themselves to the armored titan's body. As she went shooting through the thick smog she thought she could hear raised voices somewhere in the distance. Bertholdt had headed to the west, and she could almost swear the voices she heard came from that general direction. Were they negotiating? Bert really had not seemed like he was willing to talk things over. She spotted the armored titan's shoulder through the haze, and let herself land amongst the rubble on the ground by the base of his neck. The titan was so large he almost completely obscured her view, a great disadvantage if she would be forced to defend him. She doubted they would ever reach her however, because Bert clearly meant to transform. If she was lucky she would be shielded from the blast by the armored titan, and she could hold onto him to avoid being blown away. She crouched inside the curve of the armored titan's neck as the steam began to rise from the titan's wounds. She knew it meant he had begun healing. With shaking hands she reached out to wrap thick tests of the titan's hair around them, hoping they would hold when the time came. The titan's empty eye sockets filled with steam that pillared up towards the heavens. Though she was no believer, she closed her eyes and prayed.

The soldiers cried out in surprise as they approached. One of them shouted to his comrades, asking how they were supposed to do this now that the armored titan was facing upwards. A moment of silence followed before she heard someone call her name, but she kept her eyes closed. The ground suddenly rumbled and heaved beneath her feet, and an eerie silence crept upon them all for one split second. When the shock wave hit them Iris felt her feet being knocked away from underneath her as she was flung into the air. Her grip on the armored titan's hair almost slipped, but somehow she managed to hold on. She never even heard the soldiers' screams as they were blown away. All she heard was the monstrous roar of the storming winds, smashing through the buildings around her, pulverizing brick and stone. She pinched her eyes shut, hoping for it all to be over soon. She hoped for a quick death, if death was all the world had left to offer her. How much did it hurt to die? She felt her heart thundering. Rubble flew past her to her left and right, and she could hear the feint crashing of stone smashing against more stone. Though she was part hidden behind the massive body of the titan she could feel the sharp points of the debris spraying across her face, biting into her skin. The air was so hot her throat felt slightly raw as she drew it into her aching lungs. Her strength was waning with each passing second. Soon she would not be able to hold onto him any longer.

Then it was over; the winds abated and she sunk to her knees on the ground. The air felt so dirty going into her, rubbing against the soft inside of her throat, filling her mouth with sand and ash. She coughed and drew in even more filthy air. Her face felt hot, and when the opened her eyes they stung. She rubbed them repeatedly until the pain subsided a little. As she brought her hands away she saw the blood on them. Bringing her fingertips up to her battered face she felt several cuts across her forehead, cheeks and nose, but none of them seemed very deep. To the west she heard great, thundering footsteps that made the ground quiver. She craned her neck around, and her eyes found the massive shape of the colossal titan. She remembered the first time she'd seen him. Just over three months had passed since that day, but it felt to her more like three years had gone by. She heard the roaring of a titan, but the sound did not come from Bertholdt which meant it must be Eren calling for the colossal titan. So Eren was still alive; perhaps they had all escaped the blast. She opened her mouth as if to call out for them, and swallowed a mouthful of the thick smoke, choking on it. Through the smoke and the haze of her own tears as she coughed, Iris saw the colossal titan draw its leg back, and as he kicked it out again she saw Eren's titan soaring through the air. He landed on top of the wall after being thrown almost a mile through the air. She saw tiny shapes that must be soldiers come at the titan, buzzing around his massive skull like little flies around a pile of dung.

White smoke began oozing out from the colossal titan, and a moment alater she could see flames rising from the buildings surrounding its feet. The soldiers in the air fell back, driven off by the intense heat. At her side Reiner's titan suddenly came alive, stirring where it lay partly buried underneath the debris. She was forced to hobble backwards to get out of the way as he rose to his feet. She was showered with a spray of dust and rocks that came falling off his massive shape, and she covered her face with her arms to shield her eyes. As she let her arms fall she found her own eyes staring into the massive shielded eye sockets of the armored titan. He stood motionless, staring down at her in silence. Though no expression could be read from the titan's face, she thought she could sense some bewilderment coming from Reiner. The armored titan turned to her slightly, reaching down to her with one of his steel plated hands – Hands whose shapes so much resembled his own ones. Those long slender fingers that had always looked almost oddly delicate in comparison to his otherwise brawny build. Seeing his fist open as he reached for her she experienced a moment of fear that he did not recognize her. When he picked her up he handled her like a piece of delicate glass. He knew it was her. He placed her at the base of his neck and covered her with his palm. All she could see of the world outside was a thin sliver of light shining through between two of his fingers. She could feel them moving.

"Reiner, where are we going? There is still time to stop this."

There was no reply from him, probably because his titan form could not speak. But he did not slow his steps; instead he walked at a quicker pace. He would not stop, not for anything. She held on to one of his fingers inside, peering out through the crack and saw buildings passing by. The sound of the armored titan's grumbling roar made her entire body vibrate. She saw the colossal titan heading towards the wall, and Reiner seemed intent on going the same way. Her heart sank in her chest when she saw the soldiers move in to intercept them. Jean was unharmed, at least for now. He'd grown his hair out in the last few months, perhaps thinking it made him look older. Sasha and Connie were there as well. They had been assigned to hitting Reiner with the thunder spears earlier. If their attack had landed one moment sooner they would have taken him away from her forever. Mikasa was with them, focused, resolute, and deadly. All these people she cared about were gathered here to destroy each other. Reiner had done nothing so far to target his old comrades, but that could change at any moment.

She felt the armored titan ready itself, digging its feet into the ground as its muscles tensed. They lunged forward with such force she was hurled backwards, hitting her head against his hard shoulder. Stars exploded before her eyes, and for a short moment she could no longer tell what was up and what was down. The world spun, quickly at first but it soon slowed until all she felt was the rough rocking back and forth as the titan sprinted. Just as she thought the worst part was over she heard the sound of a blast that must have come from a thunder spear, and then the armored titan went tumbling over. She was flung around inside the little space as they crashed to the ground. For one moment she feared he would remove his hand, letting her fall andbe crushed underneath the mass of the titan's body as they tumbled. But his hand stayed firmly planted around the side of his neck, shielding her from the force of the impact. They finally stopped, and she could feel Reiner straightening himself up tentatively. Again she sensed that bewilderment in him, as if he couldn't fully comprehend the predicament he was in. If he did not remember anything from the previous battle he wouldn't know to look out for the thunder spears.

She felt her eyes widen, and her entire face twisted into a look of horror at what she saw through the crack between the titan's fingers. They were attacking. She saw Jean come in from behind, heard him screaming Reiner's name. She crawled forward, screaming too, calling for him to back off but it was too late. Reiner swung around, using his free arm to smash through the surrounding buildings, spraying wooden splinters and rock everywhere around him. She saw Jean get hit by it, saw him get blown back and out of her line of sight. Sasha was hit by it as well, and though Iris could not make out how bad her injures were she could see Sasha begin to fall. From somewhere behind her came a bang, and the armored titan's body trembled. He must have been blasted with a thunder spear somewhere close to her position. For one trembling moment everything went still. She saw Connie catch Sasha, but she could still not see what had happened to Jean. Her fists pounded against the inside of Reiner's hand, but he did not release his grip.

The second explosion as a thunder spear detonated was so close to her she was thrown back, deafened by the blast. The body around her shook, and she could spot smoke outside the confines of his hand. She could not figure out what had happened. Where had he been hit; the nape? As his hand fell away she felt her insides go cold. Her wide eyes just had enough time to make out the blur of Mikasa's form as she dove in with yet another thunder spear, aiming it at the armored titan's jaw. The joins of the jaw had been blown off she realized, leaving it hanging open. They were going to get Reiner out of his titan. She had no choice but to launch herself out of the way or she would be caught in the blast. She caught the side of a building and flew up through the air as she heard the explosion behind her. The hot air hit her back a second later, and she turned mid-air, diving back down into the smoke.

She caught sight of his body being launched backwards out of the titan by the force of the blast. He had a hole in his chest, but lower down than where his heart would be. Startled she saw the top of his head still had not grown back fully. It must be the fatigue slowing his regeneration. His arms and legs were in tatters, splintered and splayed from the explosion. They must hurt. Gritting her teeth she steered into him, closing her eyes as she sliced through his ruined limbs. If he was too exhausted to turn again he could be subdued – That was the only thought she allowed herself to think. Then she wrapped her arms around him, and together they tumbled to the ground. The landing was rough, and she heard a low moan escape from him. He was conscious. She pulled him to the side of one of the houses, leaning his back against it. Smoke pillared from his injuries and severed limbs. His face looked like something out of a horror story, part of it skinless and other parts still covered in the tissue that connected a shifter to his titan during transformation. His clothes were mostly in tatters, and she could see something shiny sticking out from the breast pocket of his vest.

"Is he subdued?!" she heard squad leader Hange cry out behind her as she came rushing their way.

"Yes" Iris heard herself rasp.

"What were you doing cadet, had you been taken captive?" Her voice was stern. She had a drawn blade in her hand.

"I hid beneath the armored titan when the colossal transformed, and when he got back up he took me with him" Iris wanted Hange to put the blade down. The woman's eyes gleamed dangerously. For a moment the woman stood poised as if to attack, but then she relaxed and her face brightened.

"I'll believe that for now, don't make me regret it. I heard you trying to warn your friends."

"Where's Jean? Is Sasha alright?" Iris still stood in front of Reiner, partly blocking Hange's view of him.

"They are both alive" Hange sheathed her blade and moved in closer to them. "Let's cover his eyes, and oh, what is that?" she said as she approached Reiner's body, plucking the shiny object from his pocket. Iris produced a bandage from one of her own pockets, and tied it across Reiner's eyes. He sat perfectly still. She heard noises behind her, and turned to see who had arrived. It was Mikasa supporting Jean who had an injured arm and some rather nasty looking gashes across his chest. Up on the rooftop Connie landed with Sasha in his arms.

"You're alright" she cried out to Jean who stared back at her incredulously.

"We thought you were dead. You should have been caught by the blast"

"How's Sasha?"

"Alive but injured thanks to that bastard" Jean said stiffly. Hange twisted and turned the little metal object she had taken from Reiner, inspecting it curiously. It was square and its surface was almost perfectly smooth.

"What is this thing" she muttered to herself. Reiner held his silence, offering her no explanation. Remembering very well what Hange and Levi had done to elicit information from Sannes, Iris stepped in between them and crouched down at Reiner's side.

"What is that object? It must be important."

He flinched at the sound of her voice, as if her words had burned him. Another moment of silence followed, but then he replied: "A letter"

"Oh, a letter. What kind of letter?" Hange's voice had lost its usual chirp.

"From Ymir... please, you have to give it to Christa..." Reiner's voice was low.

"Sure, sure. After we examine it of course"

Behind Hange, Mikasa dressed Jean's wounds. Reiner's chin was pointed towards the ground. The smoke rising from the exposed tissue around his head drifted lazily up towards the sky above. One look at him would tell you how exhausted he was. She put a hand on his shoulder and felt him recoil slightly. Perhaps he had expected a blade against his throat.

"Reiner" she said, making no effort to lower her voice. "You can't stop, because you believe this needs to be done. Correct?"

He made no reply, but she could see a tiny flex of the muscles in his mouth, a purse of the lips. She was probably right. But he would not say. The truth was worth more than his life; that or he had some hope the fight was not over yet. She heard a scraping sound, and saw a flash of sun reflect from something out of the corner of her eye. Turning her head she realized Hange had drawn one of her blades again, having lost interest in the metal object for now.

"All right" the squad leader impassively said. "I have a whole lot of questions I'd like to ask you, but you don't strike me as the talkative type. Will you give up and tell us what we want to know?"

"...No" Reiner's voice signaled defeat.

"Good, that makes my job a whole lot easier" Hange stepped in closer, ready to plunge her blade into his neck to end his life. Iris placed herself in the way.

"No!"

"Wait, please!" Jean called out behind them. His disheveled hair hung into his eyes as they darted between Reiner, Iris and Hange. "Are you sure about this? It's possible we could take his power from him."

Hange's eyes gleamed with murderous intent. "I don't think the conditions have been met. We don't know anything about what has happened to the others or where Levi is, and I don't think we have the time to check on them. Who knows how much strength this bastard still has in him? Even if I sent his head flying right now I wouldn't feel safe enough to let my guard down. Get out of the way cadet, I'm ending this now."

She took another step closer, and Iris readied herself. Jean fell to his knees, turning his eyes to the grass growing in little tufts all around them. His brows furrowed as he pursed his lips. "...That's... not like you" he said. His voice was soft and slow. "If you're content with leaving things unknown then how can we ever expect to defeat the titans?" He looked sad.

"Jean" Mikasa took a step towards him, seemingly uncertain whether to comfort or scold him.

"When will we ever learn to gauge our enemies?" he said to the ground. Hange hesitated, and Iris felt herself relax slightly.

"Mikasa, how much gas do you have left?" Hange asked the raven haired soldier.

"Hardly any, but I have enough to reach Eren and Armin." When she heard Mikasa's reply, Hange lowered her blade.

"Go check on Eren and the others immediately. Replenish your gas while you're there, and get the injection from Levi. If you can't do that for whatever reason, fire a flare. It'll be my signal to kill Reiner."

"Understood." Mikasa immediately took off, leaving Jean kneeling on the ground, weary and troubled. Though the situation was no longer as dire, Iris could feel Reiner's life slipping between her fingers.

"Hange, I-" Jean began but the squad leader interrupted him.

"It was my decision, you only reminded me of the situation. Question is who to give it to, Sasha who's injured but not critically, or is there a better candidate?"

She leaned in closer to Reiner, whispering tender little words meant for no one in the world but him. Things she had carried with her, waiting for the moment they would meet again. His skin felt blazing hot underneath the hand she still had on his one shoulder. She told him to trust her now. Everything was going to be alright. He listened to her words in silence, keeping his head slightly bowed. As she was about to rise to her feet, he turned his face up, whispering two words to her. Two short words, and then nothing more. She stood, and went over to Hange.

"Squad leader, can I have a word with you?" Her words snapped the woman out of her train of thought.

"Go ahead, speak,"

"In private" Iris insisted, nodding her head just around the corner of the building Reiner was resting against. At first Hange seemed inclined to deny her request, but then she looked over to Jean who was back on his feet.

"Watch him, and keep an eye out for the signal"

"Understood" Jean shot Iris a long, uneasy stare. Following behind Hange, they both turned the corner and stood in the shade of the building. Iris thought through what to say.

"We don't have to kill him" she said, and saw the squad leader open her mouth to deny her, so she kept going: "Wait, listen to me first. We can keep him subdued, and with time I can make him cooperate with us. He proved how much I'm worth to him when he tried to take me with him instead of killing me; we can use that."

"I thought you might say something like that" Hange replied, and Iris could read the answer on the woman's face. "If we were not out here in Shiganshina I might be tempted to consider it. But it's too great of a risk when we can't lead them somewhere we can physically restrain them. Either we have someone eat him, or we kill him. Sorry, I know he's your friend." Hange turned and started back. Iris hand went to her sheathed blade and she steeled herself. But before she had a chance to draw it she heard heavy galloping footsteps come down the street where Jean and Reiner were, and then she heard Jean screaming for them. Hange sprinted towards the spot where they'd left Reiner but came skidding to a stop, falling backwards as the massive quadrupedal titan thundered by. Riding on its neck was a man whose body and clothes were in tatters, and protruding from its mouth was Reiner. They had already passed by when Iris made her way around the corner.

She stumbled after them, her limbs heavy with shock and fatigue. She heard Connie shout that the titan took Reiner, but she already knew that. Softly she cried his name over and over again, watching the titan shrinking into the distance as it carried Reiner out of her life.

She sat atop the wall, feeling the wind on her face. Her feet were dangling over the side, feeling nothing but the open air beneath them. The world opened wide before her, lit up by a merciless yellow sun. The sky was as innocently blue as it had been that same morning. The trees in the lands beyond looked taller than the ones on the inside, but apart from that they were the same. The grass grew wild, intensely green in some places, yellow and withering in other places. Bushes formed thickets in between the tree trunks where they stood closer together. It was ugly, the world.

How did she end up here? Things came to her in little snippets in between longer periods of complete darkness. What time was it? She had some fuzzy memory of Armin's burned body and Bertholdt's screams, but apart from that it was all a great nothingness. Her trousers were bloody. Her green shirt was bloody and still too big for her. Her hands were bloody. The bottom end of her braided hair that she could see was bloody too.

She turned to look over her shoulder. Two people were bundled up in blankets behind her amongst what was left of their supplies. Further away she saw someone stand on lookout; a blonde recruit she could not remember the name of. Where were the rest of the new recruits? A memory prodded against the back of her mind, but she could get no grip on it. One of the blanketed people suddenly sat up.

"Bertholdt..." the name rolled off his lips. That's when she remembered that Bert was dead. Levi had used the serum on Armin instead of Erwin like he'd first intended. Erwin Smith was dead too. Reiner was-

"It hurts..." Sasha's voice moaned from the blankets next to Armin.

Eren came running, where he'd come from she had not seen, and he threw himself at his friend, wrapping his arms around Armin's neck.

"Welcome back" Eren breathed as tears dotted his eyes. Armin looked confused. Their eyes met from across the wall, and from the look he gave her she could read that she'd cut her face up pretty badly. A 'whoosh' signaled the arrival of another soldier, and Levi's dark head of hair popped over the edge of the wall. She turned her back to them, staring out into the wilderness. She wondered what it would feel like to fly.

"So he's up" she heard Levi say. Armin asked what was going on, claiming not to remember anything. "Doubt you would. Eren, tell him. And don't hold anything back" Levi fired a green flare into the air.

Armin listened to Eren tell him of everything that had happened during and after their fight against Bertholdt while the remaining members of the corps gathered around them. Iris stayed where she was. She remembered the childhood story Reiner had told her once, a story with no happy ending; just like their story had not ended happily.

They spoke of why Levi had chosen Armin over Erwin, and even the boy himself agreed that Erwin would have been the tactical choice. But Erwin had trusted Levi, and the little man had chosen Armin for reasons only known to him.

"Don't get it wrong, you could never replace Erwin" Levi said in a tone suggesting no one ever could. "But it's true you have a power no human has. Got that? Don't let anyone regret this. Not me, not these two" he grabbed Eren and Mikasa. "Not anyone, not even yourself. No regrets from anyone, that's your mission."

She was ordered to stand guard while Eren, Mikasa, Hange and Levi went to find out what was inside the basement of Eren's old house. The secret she had hoped would let her understand Reiner's actions seemed to matter little now. She stared from atop the wall at the landscape below without really seeing it.

She felt a hand on her shoulder. Lazily she turned her head to the side to inspect the person standing next to her. One of his arms hung limp at his side, and his chest was wrapped in bandages. Dirt and dried sweat caked his cheeks in between cuts and bruises. The hair lay tangled across the forehead of his narrow face. He did not seem to be able to find any words to offer her, for once.

"The man riding that cart titan was the owner of the beast titan, right?" Her voice sounded flat.

"Yes"

"They took him" were all the words she could find in her. They spent several minutes just standing there, side by side.

"If he had stayed here we would have had to kill him. Perhaps you should thank those bastards for making off with him" Jean finally muttered with a mix of relief and spite.

"I'm not going to be grateful for any of this"

As they words left her lips they saw a flare soaring towards the sky from down below. They were on their way back.

Together the remaining members of the survey corps gathered up their supplies, and took turns in carrying Sasha as they made their way back to the few horses that remained to them. They waited atop the wall for the night to come, and there she learned the secret Grisha Yeager had wanted to share with his son. They bent over the notebook that Hange showed to them, looking at the odd little picture on the first page. Once they turned the page over and read the note scribbled on the back, Iris started laughing. As dusk settled around them she laughed until her sides hurt, and some of her wounds opened back up. They all stared at her as if she had gone mad, and perhaps she had.

It all made sense to her now.

A week after their return to the kingdom within the walls, Iris stood at the foot of the steps leading up to a richly decorated doorway made from carved mahogany. The lush garden around her was dotted with flowers of different colors and shapes. She had never been a flower person, so she only knew the names of the roses and the hackberry bushes. She raised the rifle she held in her hands, checking it one more time. Then she ascended the stairs, and opened the door leading into the house that had once been her home.

The long hallway before her was empty. Keeping her footsteps light, she treaded forward to the first doorway to her left. The salon was empty, but the round breakfast table still bore the signs of at least three people having had brunch there. The painting hung on the wall in the hallway on the opposite side of the open doorway was a portrait of her own great grandmother whom she had never met. Further up ahead was the doorway leading into the kitchens. She padded up to it, rested the butt of her rifle against her shoulder as she raised the muzzle of it, and stepped inside.

"Oh my" Elfrida Bachmann swung around, flinched and dropped the plate and biscuit she'd had in hand with a little shriek. The porcelain shattered, and the shortbread went bouncing across the floor, coming to a stop next to one of Iris's feet. She held her finger against the trigger, staring at her mother with a cold expression.

"Where is he?"

"Dear, you frightened me. What in the world are you doing with that... that!" Elfrida pointed to the rifle with one trembling finger. Little pearls of sweat dabbed her forehead, and her pouty little mouth was twisted in a grimace of disapproval.

"It's a rifle, mother, and if you do not answer my question I will show you how it works. Now _where is he_?" she growled, seeing the buxom woman turn milky pale. She shook so badly now even her skirts quivered, doing a little jig of their own.

"T-the study... he's in there..." her lips trembled. She looked like she might burst into tears or swoon. Iris had always hated the mimicry and exaggerated behavior of upper class women - Mewling idiots, the whole lot of them.

"Stay here, I'm going to have a little chat with him" she spat, backing away with the rifle raised, keeping the muzzle pointed straight at the woman's chest. Back in the hallway she continued walking forward to the door at the end of it. This door stood directly facing towards the entrance at the other side of the hall. It had a heavy metal handle with a solid locking mechanism, though she could never remember it being locked when she was little. She reached for it, feeling the rush of blood throbbing in her fingertips. Three days from now Historia was to be crowned in a ceremony where they would honor the remaining members of the survey corps; the heroes who had retaken wall Maria. What a joke it was that she was to be among them. The letter Reiner had been carrying really had been from Ymir, and true to his word he had made sure Historia got it. But he had left no letter for her. The door's handle felt cold in her hand as she turned it. The door swung open, creaking on its hinges.

Her father sat before the desk by the window inside. He still had a full head of hair, though most of it had turned grey. The curtains were drawn, leaving the room dimly lit. On the desk stood one single oil lamp, casting its flickering light across the documents on the desk before him. An inkpot stood by his right elbow; always taking notes, alternating between writing with his left and his right hand. The script his left hand produced was flowing and elegant, and his scribbles with his right where rough and pointed. He had joked that his handwriting reflected the light and the dark side of his personality, and she had thought it funny once upon a time. He put the quill back into its inkpot when he heard the door open.

"Iris" he said neutrally. "I was wondering when you would come." He swung the chair around, and one of the wheels dragged slightly across the floor. It had been broken for ages, but he said he liked the chair too well to get rid of it. _"Few things serve you well in life, cherish them"_

"Hello father. We have a lot to talk about" she raised the rifle, pointing it at his face. He did not flinch, or even look at the gun. His eyes were on her. The shadow of a smirk played on his lips. He nodded approvingly.

"Oh, do we now? Why, put that gun down then so we can talk?"

"No chance" she bit off. He chuckled.

"Do not worry dear" he looked past her. Elfrida stood in the doorway to the kitchen, peering anxiously their way. "Iris and I are just going to have a conversation. Continue with whatever you were doing" Her mother disappeared back into the kitchen, possibly to fetch herself another biscuit. "You will not be needing that here." He motioned to the gun.

"Perhaps not, but I like holding it like this" She stepped into the room. "I want the truth from you."

"Come inside then" He swung his chair back around and gathered the papers in front of him into a neat pile. He had always liked things neat and tidy. "Close the door Iris. I shall think we do not want your mother to hear any of this."

She put her hand onto that adorned door handle, closing the door behind her.


	22. 21

**13 October 851 - First sergeant Alfred Lindner **

_To my dearest Irma_

_Five days have passed since our arrival here in Dimigrad. The rain will not let up, and I swear to you, this damp gets into everything. My clothes are wet when I put them on in the morning, ought to sleep wearing them I suppose. Not that it would help with them being wet, but at least I would not have to change into cold, wet clothing. The men complain, but when in the world do they not complain? If it is not the rain it is the rations, the uniform, the heat, the orders, anything and everything they can think of. They ought to be thankful to be serving here instead of at the front if you ask me. It might not be as impressive a tale to have served in restoring peace and order in the borderlands while there's a war raging – But at least they know they will see the faces of their loved ones one more time before being shipped off to the front lines. There has been no word of 'thanks' though, of course. No one wants to be here, and __**those two **__make the rest of the men wary._

_The academic prowess of his son would make any father proud. I do not mean to boast, but I have noticed how corporal Muntz has taken to going off on a tangent whenever I get into talking of my boy's achievements. Ought to teach him some good manners, Muntz, or he will never advance up the ranks... That other business Roman got involved in needs to be cleared up however. I will deal with that teacher once I get back. What was her name again, Ms. Schobert? Schilling? Either way, the woman must understand that boys sometimes express themselves strongly – It is completely healthy. If she cannot handle such boyish shenanigans I really must question her adequacy as a teacher. We will sort it out or the school board will hear of this, mark my words._

_I'm inside my tent listening to the rain pattering against the canvas. It's well past midnight and I know I ought to be sleeping. But if I may be honest with you sweet wife; on nights like these I get no rest. I find myself sitting here, listening to the silence as intently as mother listens for the cries of her child. A few of the men are probably awake too, yet no one makes a sound. We are all just waiting for the dawn to rise. Once the first light of morning is visible on the horizon we will muster our courage and head into the town. It is as unsettling now as it was the first time, but I must keep a brave face for the men. It will take some time to make sure we have completely wiped out all the rebels in this area – Not that I ever think we do get them all. But if we kill enough of their leaders they will settle down and get back to their daily lives. That's how common people work; they need their leaders to hide behind._

_Sometimes I toy with the thought of what might happen if I pulled into town before first light. What might I see there in the dark? But then I sit back in my chair, shake my head and chuckle to myself. The idea is preposterous in itself since all I have to do is to wait here, knowing that most of my troubles will be taken care of by someone else. Instead I write you these letters, thinking of my home and my family._

_Commander Magath has strongly hinted that this will be our last assignment in these outskirts, and that there is a promotion waiting for me upon my return. Your husband is about to make the rank of captain, and not the captain of just any company. But I must not say too much, you will know it all in due time. Be glad for me Irma, this will be good for us both, and for Roman. Before this war is over he will have a father figure of good standing to look up to; perhaps one day he will follow in my footsteps._

_At first I was convinced I had made a grievous mistake in taking those two recruits, but this gamble is about to pay off. I only wish that one made me feel less uneasy, but as long as I sleep a safe distance away I have no cause of complain. Do not worry, I have made it clear to Holt not to bring him to our house again._

_Wait for me, Irma. And be sure to iron my best suit. When I return we will have a feast for all our friends to announce my new posting._

_Your loving husband,_

_Alfred E. Lindner_

**3 February 852 - Reiner Braun**

He stood before the window quietly regarding the view of the street outside. The morning mist drifted in long wisps across the rough ground, slipping in between the empty merchant stalls reminding him of spun sugar, or perhaps fluffy cotton balls. The reflection in the window did its best to avoid looking him in the eyes. His body felt heavy, and his thoughts felt dull as if he was still only half awake. Turning away from the haggard looking man he saw reflected in the window, he went over to the pile of clothing at the side of his bed. The shirt only smelled a little. No one would get close enough to notice it, so he put it on. If someone wanted to mock him they had plenty of other material to use. His belt was too long, but it had fit when he first got it. The sigh slipped out of him before he even felt it coming, leaving him feeling deflated. He laced up his shoes with deft fingers. Then he stood, throwing one last look around the room, feeling as if he had forgotten something yet knowing he had not. Nothing was forgotten, only missing.

Heavy steps carried him down the stairs. The wooden handrail felt rough and splintery against the skin of his palm. The hairs on his chin itched endlessly, but he could not muster enough enthusiasm about his appearance to shave it. His lackluster appearance was in no way a reflection of the barren wasteland he felt spreading out on the inside – Unkempt facial hair, smelly shirts and eye bags were just... inconveniences; the inconveniences that came with being alive. Something clattered inside the tiny kitchen, and inwardly he sighed again. He had told her she did not need to get up, or go to any lengths to serve him in the mornings, but she would not listen.

"Good morning dear" Her big, watery eyes wander restlessly over him, never quite content with looking him in the eyes. Her mouth smiles nervously, lips quivering slightly though she makes an effort to hide it. There is bread on the table, and butter. Butter is too valuable and difficult to come by to be had on any regular day, yet she puts it on the table before him the few times he visits. And he turns it down, again and again they go over this little ritual. He mumbles politely, sits, eats his bread with his head bowed low. Her kindness is like a belt fastened around his neck, squeezing the air out of his lungs.

He offers her no explanation to where he is going when he leaves the house, and she does not ask. She smiles as he walks out the door, wishing him a good day in a soft voice only a mother can manage. She loves him and goes to great lengths to show it, more now than she did in the past. Sometimes she calls him 'her pride and joy'. Every time he hears her say that he feels his insides disintegrating.

He bears it for her sake, gulping down all the shit thrown his way, swallows it, ignoring the burning at the back of his throat. Porco is not even the most difficult one to stomach, though his jeers often hit home. Lately he is mostly focusing on how badly he sleeps, and how he is feeling hungover though he has not had a drop to drink. In all honesty he does look like shit, and has been looking like shit for the last week or so. No, Porco's spite is easy – It's people's random acts of kindness that are the difficult to take. A stranger smiling as they meet, someone wishing him a good morning, his mother putting butter on the table; he suffers their kindness.

There's just a couple more days before the train would be heading back out with the warrior unit. It was easier to get up in the morning in the field, less time to think about useless things and more monotone chores to keep his hands busy. Out there he felt less like himself, which was good. The fact that every dead soldier was another mark on his conscience; that he could take. At least for now.

He still had something to do – This war; he would make sure they won it. When the end came there would be one person in the world he had not let down. He would become a son she would not be ashamed to mention to strangers. He would become a son she could think back to with fondness, and the taste in her mouth would no longer be love muddled with disappointment.

He would not let her down again.


	23. 22

**Reiner Braun – 4 February 852**

"I will pray for our victory"

His mother embraced her son, who had to lean over for her to kiss his cheek. His long trench coat sagged across his shoulders, giving him the appearance of a man slowly shrinking. Their eyes met, his weary with dark circles underneath, hers large and watery. He straightened himself up, and saluted her halfheartedly. As he turned and began walking down the street he had to suppress the urge to run. Mr. Dolinski saluted him as he passed by, urging him to lend all his strength to the nation, to which he inclined his head. The smile made his mouth ache. Alicja Pianka, the seamstress, said she would pray for their victory and for the warriors. He saluted her. Little Julia and Krystian Michal were playing together with Oleg Stefanik and Klemens Berkhoff. Oleg called the opening line to the nursery rhyme "Here comes an old soldier", and the other children replied what they would give the soldier today. The game was to remember all the items as the list grew longer. These kids were only a few years younger than his little cousin, Gabi, who wanted to become a Marley warrior. She had been nothing but a snot nosed brat when he left the first time. The children's game came to a halt, and he found four sets of eyes peering at him hesitantly. He had come to a halt, staring at them. The deep frown felt as familiar on his face as the company of an old friend. The kids scattered, running down the street and turning into alleyways further up ahead. They must have thought their rhyme about the old soldier had offended him. He rubbed his face, feeling the coarse stubble on his chin and cheek. He walked on.

They were awaiting his arrival by the gate leading out of the internment zone. With his shoulders sagging, Porco yawned. The pack containing his clothing lay misshapen and bulging at his feet, indicating that he had thrown his things together in a rush that same morning. Pieck's glossy black hair looked to have been brushed, her shirt was crinkle free and her long pleated skirt looked freshly cleaned. Her hooded eyes gave her a deceptively sleepy look. Zeke, with Colt beside him, looked to be talking to the other three. The four of them, and Colt next in line to inherit the beast titan, were all that was left of the group of six who had been chosen nine years ago. Porco now filled the empty shoes left by his brother. Why Marcel had pushed Reiner out of the way that day had been a mystery to him for many years. Now he'd come to think that Marcel had wanted to be forgiven. Colt spotted him, and nudged his mentor slightly. The boy was fifteen by now and had begun to come out of his shell. Colt's sandy blonde hair would catch the light from the sun during bright days, shining like pale gold. He found the boy difficult to look at. Averting his eyes, he felt the scowl tug at his cheeks.

"Ah Reiner, there you are" Zeke greeted him with as he came up to them. "Now there's just the captain missing." His eyes scanned the area outside the gate.

"He better hurry up so we can get to the train" Porco complained, "I'm in no mood to laze around here." Another yawn made his jaw crunch slightly. He eyed Reiner critically as he stretched his arms. His baggy eyes were puffy and red. "The hell are you staring at" he muttered under his breath. Reiner broke their eye contact. Porco preferred to be referred to as Galliard, perhaps that's why he found himself unable to think of him as anything else than Porco.

"Easy, Galliard" Zeke cautioned.

"It's your own fault you stayed up late Pock." Pieck batted her haze of thick dark eyelashes at him.

"I didn't" he muttered. "Think I'm coming down with something. Feel like absolute crap, and man I've had some messed up dreams." A kick of his foot sent some pebbles flying. He sighed irritably. Reiner turned his eyes to the blue sky above, remembering a time when he looked up at the same sky with Bertholdt at his side. He heard the gate creak, and then the familiar screeching as it opened up.

Looking down he saw a uniformed man treading towards them. He looked to be in his early forties, standing at around 5'9". His bushy moustache and mutton chops were reddish brown, but his hair looked to be coming in a mix of grey and auburn underneath his hat. His manners were typical of the Marleyan officers, assured with an air of self-importance. He halted stiffly which prompted them to stand at attention, saluting the man who must be Captain Lindner.

"At ease Warrior Unit" Lindner smiled disarmingly, establishing himself as the kind of officer who liked to think of themselves as the benevolent type. "You may address me as Captain Lindner, or just captain. I'll be second in command of the reformed S Company, which the Warrior Unit is part of. I am pleased to meet you all. Together we will fight for the victory of this great nation!" The man looked to be swelling with pride. Reiner shifted, adjusting his pack that he had slung across his shoulder. The warriors stood in silence, letting the man appraise them through curious grey eyes.

"You must be Warchief Yeager, the beast titan" Captain Lindner put his hand out to Zeke. They shook hands briefly, and Reiner found himself throwing glances around him to see if any of the surrounding personnel had taken note of this interaction. The Eldian guards by the gate whispered between them, but apart from that everyone looked to be going about their own business.

"Pleasure to meet you, Captain Lindner"

The captain waved his right hand dismissively. "No need for niceties, I wanted to have a look at you all. Private Siri Holt will escort you down to the train." Lindner looked up as if he only just now remembered something was missing. "Holt?" He turned, bellowing down the street to the groups of military personnel taking inventory and readying the supplies to be freighted. "HOLT?!"

A person emerged from one of the groups of young officers and came sauntering their way. The unbuttoned trench coat revealed the standard uniform underneath, the only difference from their own outfit being that she wore no yellow, nor red band around her left upper arm. Reiner felt his breath catch in his throat.

"You called for me, captain?" She spoke the words with a thick, rolling Marley accent. She casually rested one of her hands on her hip, looking at the captain with a familiarity bordering on insolence. Her sandy blonde hair was tied together in a long braid, her face clean with sharp, straight features.

"Mind your manners, Holt. Escort the Warrior Unit down to the train; I'll reconnect with you later. Have you seen Muntz?"

Reiner's lungs ached for air. He drew in a sharp breath, earning him an odd look from Porco. With icy clarity, he remembered that Porco should have acquired some of Ymir's memories by now. But Porco showed no signs of recognition as he eyed the blonde woman stood before them. Reiner felt his eyes dart between them as the sweat broke on his back.

"I swear he was alright the last time I saw him" she replied with a shrug.

"Don't tell me you took him drinking?!"

"Well what else were we supposed to do when you didn't invite us to yours?"

"For god's sake" Lindner sputtered. "Where did you leave him?"

"The medics" she put a thumb up over her shoulder. "I'm sure he's fine, had plenty of water."

"He better be" Lindner cautioned icily. "Now get to it!"

"Yes sir" She saluted the captain, and then beckoned them to follow her. With a look between them, Zeke and Colt started walking. He watched her braided hair swing back and forth in rhythm with the swing of her hips as she walked. Again he looked to Porco, whom by now seemed to be sick of his staring. He snorted loudly, quickening his step so he ended up ahead of Reiner. His own feet felt heavier than ever as he dragged himself forward. She was not supposed to be here.

The station was flooded with military personnel loading crates of ammunition, medical supplies, food and weapons onto the cars at the back of the train. Theirs was the third car in the procession, behind the two first class cars reserved for the officers and any VIP's. There were no such guests today though, because this war was not something the government wished to highlight. She poked her head in through the door of their train car.

"This is our stop" She motioned for them to climb on. He waited behind, feeling his heart beating hard in his chest. He could have turned her in the moment he saw her, she must have known that. Their eyes met, but he saw no recognition in hers. Then he climbed the steps onto the train, put his pack in the corner with the rest, and slumped down onto the seat next to Zeke. His eyes stared down at the table in the middle of their group of four seats. He heard her slam the door shut, and then her steps came closer.

"You must be Pieck" she leaned over, extending her hand to the raven haired woman who smiled mildly and took it. Her head turned to Porco. "The other Galliard, Porco was it?" she drawled in that strange, thick Marley accent. Porco stiffened, eyes flashing with anger.

"I'm the jaw titan" he replied sourly. She nodded, humming.

"So I've heard" Turning, her eyes went to Zeke. "Warchief Zeke Yeager? I've seen pictures of you. You've made quite the name for yourself, Marley's child prodigy."

"Only tall tales I'm sure, I'm but a humble instrument such as yourself" Zeke's voice had an edge to it. She wrinkled her nose and snorted in response.

"Humble instruments, yeah. And you are?" Her face still showed no recognition as her dark eyes bored into his. He opened his mouth, but no words came. He felt himself shrink underneath the weight of her gaze. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" Her mouth twisted in a harsh grin.

"I'm... the armored titan" he squeezed out. His voice sounded gritty. Her eyebrows shot up as she eyed him critically.

"Reiner Braun then, I take it. I thought you'd be shorter." She broke eye contact. He looked down, realizing his hands were balled into fists. She stared at Colt.

"Who are you?"

"Colt Grice, chosen to inherit the beast titan." Her staring seemed to make him uncomfortable.

"You're nothing but a green boy" She sounded incredulous.

"I'm fifteen" he bit off a little too quickly. The officers would treat him like a child because of his youthful face. Her lips drew back in a toothy grin, and she leaned into him.

"You've seen battle- Tell me, have you had your first kill yet, boy?" Colt drew back from her slightly. He swallowed hard, making his adam's apple bob up and down.

"I don't think so" Her smile faded. She straightened herself, eyes never leaving the youth.

"Ah, so that's how it is" she murmured, turning away from him. "So, you're Marley's loyal pack of well trained dogs... _What a cruel jape._" Her face twisted. The silence spread inside the cart as the driver sounded the train horn, and they began rolling out of the station.

"Sorry, that's a rather awkward thing for me to say isn't it. Sheesh I really have no people skills" she muttered walking over to an empty set of seats, and sat down.

She must know the whole truth, or she could not have made it here. The real question was why she had come. Looking at his hands, he found himself remembering how he had awoken half-buried underneath the rubble in Shiganshina. The memories of the battle leading up to him waking there had never fully returned. He remembered scolding Bertholdt to get him to be serious, and he remembered telling him to confess to Annie once they had completed their mission. After that his memories were muddy. He must have gotten careless because he thought only Eren could pose a threat to his armored form. They must have used those spears on him. He had heard Bertholdt's voice, but he could not remember the words. And he thought he'd heard her as well.

Despite everything he had been through he had still been the fool going into that battle. He'd had some fantastical vision of a swift victory, taking her with him by force once they were done. He had thought that given enough time her anger towards him would subside, and then they would... what exactly? He could not remember what he'd thought would come next, but he had even convinced himself that she would not be executed upon their return. In his mind he'd dreamt up that he would have enough influence to sway the Marley lawmen to pardon her. He would have taken away her life like that, all because of his own selfish desire. She would have been brought to the gallows and ended her days with a noose around her neck. He had not been able to see it at first, resenting Zeke and Pieck for snatching him away at that moment. But when they were finally aboard the ship for home and his injuries had healed, it had all come to him. Being away from that place finally let him see things clearly. He returned home having lost his childhood comrades and all his dreams.

Almost two years had dragged by, years he had spent fighting the war that started because of their failure at Paradis. He had tried not to think of anything but the task at hand. He had wanted to forget.

His seat was turned her way, and now he had to fight to keep himself from looking her way again and again. She had changed, but to what extent he did not know. He wondered if she had come for revenge. Then he wondered if she knew the danger she was in. Had the people within the walls figured out to which extent the memories of the previous host were passed to the next keeper of the titan powers? Any day now Porco could wake up and remember seeing her face in Ymir's memories. Once he did, Porco would see the two of them together. Porco might even jump at the chance of labelling _him_ as a traitor. He stared at her hair, remembering how soft it had felt as he ran his hand through it. He felt someone looking at him, and spotted Pieck out of the corner of his eye, watching him.

The door at the front of the car slid to the side, revealing Captain Lindner. He stepped inside, followed by a pale faced youth whose hair was dirty blonde. The young man's skin had a slightly greenish hue, and he looked to be sweating profusely. Reiner wondered if this man was the 'Muntz' they had been speaking of earlier.

"Everyone's getting along I see" Lindner stated to no one in particular, completely missing the tension in the air. "Congratulations Corporal Holt, you now have your own assignment" He walked over to the woman who now called herself Siri.

"Thank you, captain." She leaned back, staring disinterestedly at her short trimmed fingernails.

"Commander Magath and Colonel Bjergsen advised that you'd be assigned a medic, and suggested you might want to pick someone to serve as private first class. My suggestion for the medic was private Vinther, whom they accepted."

"Vinther? Name's not familiar to me."

"You'll get on splendidly I'm sure. He is Major Heinrich Vinther's son."

"And the private first class?" It felt so strange listening to that new accent of hers. He would never have guessed that it was not authentic.

"I thought I'd let you pick your man" Captain Lindner said it with the tone of a person granting someone a gift of great value.

"I want Bjergsen"

Lindner gaped at her for a moment "That's not fun- Oh, you mean the son?" Lindner rubbed his face with one of his hands, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Colonel Bjergsen harbors great hopes for his son, pick someone else. The boy's only fifteen for god's sake."

"So?" she stood, putting her hands to her sides. "Most officers would just use the boy as cannon fodder anyway. With me he will be safe and warm. I'm sure Colonel Bjergsen would first and foremost want his son to outlive him, correct?"

"What's this boy to you, if you do not intend on using him in the field?" The man frowned.

"He speaks five languages, captain. He's diligent and clever" she said insistently. "He's a good boy. You told me to name my choice, I pick Bjergsen" her tone had a finality to it. The captain threw his hands up.

"Alright, alright" He looked between the warriors in their seats. "Where is _he_?" The young man who might be Muntz shifted uncomfortably from one foot to another at the captain's side.

"Don't know, probably in the back with the rest."

"I don't want him wandering around on his own too much, you know that. Muntz" he turned to his subordinate. "Get him here, make it clear it is not a request." The young man's visage turned ashy grey.

"Must I, captain? Why can't she-"

"Private, that's an order."

"Y-yes, sir." His shoulders drooped as the young man made his way through the train cart to the door in the back. He did not look at any of them. Once he was gone, Holt looked to her captain with a reserved expression on her face.

"You don't want him to wander? You do him an injustice by talking about him as if he is something less than a man. Have we not served you loyally, captain? Are you dissatisfied?"

"He does not serve me, you do. Keep him close, that is our agreement."

Reiner noticed Colt giving Zeke a contemplative look. They had been assigned officers before who liked to make themselves chummy with some of the soldiers, but that familiarity was never extended to the Eldian troops. Most of the time the best they could hope for was taut formality from any superior officer. They wanted you to adhere to their superiority, and keep your mouth shut. This captain had offered his hand to Warchief Zeke, perhaps as a sign of respect. Reiner thought that Colt was probably trying to figure out whether or not Captain Lindner was to be trusted. On the other side of the cart, Porco had leaned his head back, snoring slightly with his mouth wide open. Across from him, Pieck looked to be reading the newspaper in her hands, but he doubted that the printed propaganda about the war was of interest to her.

The door opened, and the pale faced Muntz came hurrying back inside. He looked to be in his early twenties, and his tall and lanky build reminded Reiner of Bertholdt. His facial hair grew in thin and patchy, though he did not look to have shaved in weeks. His pale blue eyes were wide as he hurried past. Behind him followed the man he had been sent to fetch, quiet as a shadow. Reiner estimated his height to be around 5'7", which in no way made him a tall man, but his body was sinewy and looked strong. His features looked foreign, possibly of Hizuru origins or somewhere else to the east. Jet black, unkempt hair fell across his forehead and into his single lidded eyes. A long, pink scar ran across his left cheek, down to where his upper lip had once been cleft in two. Thin, wispy facial hair grew on his upper lip and on his chin. His nose looked to have been broken at least once. He was definitely older than Reiner, perhaps older than Zeke, but it was difficult to tell.

Siri Holt turned to the two men as they approached, offering the newcomer a crooked grin, while Muntz hurried to place himself by the captain's elbow.

"Ah, there you are Jun. Did you get what Pöpel owed?"

The man made no reply, but he stuck one hand into his pocket as he was walking up to her. He held out a fistful of paper bills, offering it to her. His eyes were as black as obsidian.

"Nah that's yours, you keep it" she waved a hand dismissively. He put the money back in his pocket. "From now on you must address me as Corporal Holt" she grinned jokingly and raised her fingers to her brow in a mock salute. Captain Lindner cleared his throat. The woman Reiner in his mind kept referring to as Iris leaned back leisurely, steadying herself on the table in between the seats behind her. Expressionless, the man she'd called 'Jun' quietly observed the captain.

"Now that we are all gathered; our orders are to pick up supplies at the base camp, but to then immediately head out for Syrkov Pass. The enemy has dug down deep up there, halting our advance in that entire area. Moving our troops around the mountains would take months, we need to take the pass. More details on the situation will be provided to us once we reach our destination. That is all, you may rest until we reach base camp. Come Muntz, I have some letters for you to write." With that the captain turned and made his way to the door leading into the parts of the train where only Marleyan personnel may enter. The rumbling sound of the train rushing forward atop the tracks cut through the silence as the door opened. Then everything quieted again once they were gone.

"Syrkov Pass eh, I heard the allied forced have machine guns posted all the way across" Iris murmured darkly. She craned her head around, looking to where Colt sat. The boy had turned in his seat to look at the captain when he was speaking, and now they locked eyes. When Colt noticed the silent man looking at him as well, he turned away from them both.

"Do you know what the inventor of the machine gun called his creation, Jun?" she asked her companion, now looking at the back of Colt's turned head. The silent man made no reply. "He called it 'the widowmaker'. Tacky, eh?" She sat down, turning her back to where Reiner sat. The man sat down across from her. For the first time since he had entered the car, Reiner noticed the sheathed blades at the man's sides; two, the one on the right longer than the one on the left by at least six inches.

"You know the other night when I was invited to dine with the captain's family? Finally met his son, Roman, now I sort of wish I hadn't. Found the kid drawing a dead woman and a bunch of soldiers. He said the dead woman was his teacher" Iris leaned forward, putting her elbows on the table and resting her chin in her hands. "Asked him why she was dead. Know what that little brat said?" The silent man looked at her, unblinking. He made no reply. "He said he hated her because she'd told him off in school, so the soldiers had come and killed her. Then the little shit gives me a creepy smile and says she was afraid when she died... I mean hell, what do I tell the captain if he wants my opinion on that little monster?" She sighed. "Thanks for your input, Jun. You always were a brilliant conversationalist." The black eyes man's lips parted in a predatory grin. The scar on his cheek pulled at his upper lip, baring his teeth.

Reiner's eyes closed at he listened to her spoken monologue. He hung his head. Had he really thought that she would just go on to live a long happy life within the walls after all that he had done to them? Again he had been fooling himself. He never learned. Their halted attack on Paradis was bound to continue one day, they must have known that since they had destroyed all the ships sent there after his return home. Thinking she was free to live happily had just been another pathetic way for him to spare his own feelings. He was truly despicable. Pitiful. _A fraud_. That's what he kept thinking as the train rocked them back and forth on their way towards the eastern front.


	24. 23

She had been the first to exit the train as it came to a stop at the station now known as 'base camp'. The army green tents spread out around the train platform, stretching as far as the eye could see. The station house, and the few other buildings erected around this far eastern train stop were almost swallowed up by the green sea surrounding them. The station house itself had electricity, plumbing and sported a working kitchen, and now it had been turned into a temporary cafeteria, small enough to require all personnel to follow a rotating schedule for their meal times. Storage houses had been cleared and converted into sleeping quarters for the officers, and two of them served as temporary medical clinics for the wounded being shipped back from the front lines. The platform was packed as they got off the train. Reiner felt someone shove past him the moment his feet connected with the ground, a young Marleyan officer hurried past him. The young man threw him a nasty look over his shoulder, but was in too much of a hurry to stop to reprimand him.

"Seems we have missed something" Pieck noted with a nod to the masses swarming around the platform.

"Yes" Zeke hummed, looking around him. Colt placed himself close to his mentor's elbow, making an effort not to look towards where Iris stood with the scarecrow of a man close at her side. A dull thud announced Porco's exit off the train as he threw his pack down onto the ground.

"The hell happened here?" he muttered. Reiner towered over most of the people here, so he could see the men carrying the stretchers approach as uniformed guards began trying to clear way for them to the train. They were shipping a fresh wave of wounded soldiers out of here, and by the look of it there were many of them this time. To his right he saw captain Lindner pushing his way through, accompanied by his subordinate Muntz and two more boys whose faces were unfamiliar to him.

"This way warriors, Holt" he called as he passed them by. The silent man fell in behind Lindner and his three companions, and like magic the masses parted before their little procession. Reiner felt himself contemplate the somber look on _her_ face as her eyes followed the men being carried out by the medical personnel. Bandages covered stumps where limbs had once been, faces were wrapped up in so much gauze that their features were made indistinguishable. Some men were awake, staring at them silently as they passed by, others looked to be sleeping. A few had their eyes opened wide, but seemed unaware of what was happening around them. He wondered what she was thinking of. She had always been drawn back and secretive, like a dragon guarding its treasure of gold and gemstones. The captain zig zagged between the rows of tents, greeting some of the uniformed men they met on their way, bringing them through to the point where the camp cleared. The grassy area stood host to rows upon rows of jeeps and trucks, all painted beige to blend into the dry eastern lands they would travel through. Another thirty or so soldiers were waiting by the trucks, standing in little groups. Some were smoking, some were joking with each other, others stood alone. Their uniforms were not the standard uniforms for the Eldian troops, though they wore the yellow armbands as a sign of their race. Their straps and belts had no metal fastenings, and their weapons looked odd and foreign.

Lindner came to a stop, turning to his little mismatched group of underlings.

"They are shipping home those wounded in the last offence on the pass, that's what all the fuss is about. Unsightly, I'd just had breakfast... Wait here for me." The captain walked over to the trucks, and disappeared in between them. Reiner let his pack fall to the ground.

"Bjergsen" Iris drawled, stepping up beside the boy. "You're on my fireteam, and you've been promoted. Address me as Holt or corporal, don't call me ma'am. The first person to call me ma'am will lose an ear, got it?" she commanded, unsmiling. The boy nodded mutely, his light blue eyes were large and childlike. His friend to his left snickered and rolled his eyes. The freckled youth had reddish brown short cropped hair, looked to be of age with this Bjergsen boy and Colt, and had an air of arrogance about him.

"You find that funny, private?" Her dark eyes fixed on the boy whose wry grin did not falter.

"Not at all"

"You must be my medic, Vinther was it?" A little smile tugged at the corners of her lips, but the warmth never reached her eyes. "Don't worry, I won't harm a hair on your little heads" she smirked and put her thumb up, pointing to the silent man who stood a bit away. "He might though." The freckled boy looked less assured of himself. The blonde named Bjergsen who'd never seemed defiant to begin with, now looked frightened.

Iris seemed to notice the glances the members of the warrior unit were throwing towards the Eldian soldiers to their right. Reiner had noticed that they all had a strange looking short blade hanging from their hip. Swords seemed a thing of the past now that machine guns and heavy artillery had entered the battlefields.

"They're specialists" Iris said to no one in particular. "Fireteams of five man each, trench raiders the lot of them. High mortality rate" Muntz, who'd been left behind by the captain crouched down on the ground, pale and sweating.

"The things they come up with. Do they really _think_ that will be the way to win this war?" Zeke looked slightly amused. "Is that what you are as well, Corporal Holt?"

"I suppose we are" she peered at Zeke with her head tilted.

Reiner found himself trying not to look at her too much. She would not disappear if he let her out of his sight, yet every time he averted his eyes a sense of surrealism came upon him. He had fully expected to never see her again, had grown accustomed to living with that knowledge. He'd fallen into the rhythm of getting up when told do, eating when told to, doing what he was told to. A past version of him would no doubt have turned her in the moment he saw her, a more recent but still past version of him would have felt his fingertips tingle at the sight of her.

The captain returned, ordering all soldiers on the field into the back of three of the trucks. They would be taken a hundred miles into enemy territory, and from there they would have to walk the rest of the way. Porco was very unhappy to hear of this, muttering under his breath as he climbed into their truck. Pieck turned him by suggesting such a trek would be no a challenge for a warrior, to which he agreed. Of course it would be no problem. Porco's frail sense of pride was easy to exploit like that, something Pieck knew how to take advantage of. He must be careful not to give anything away when she was around. If anyone here could figure out their prior connection, apart from Porco seeing Iris in Ymir's memories, it would be Pieck. He climbed into the truck, found himself a seat and placed his pack between his two feet on the floor. Looking up he found that Iris had seated herself on the opposite side of the truck, and she was now looking at him. He could not hold her gaze, and found himself looking down at his hands instead. Each time he looked at her he expected to see disdain, or hatred, but so far all he'd seen was that deep blue he had once liked so well. He did not know how to face her fury. If she had come to kill him, he wished she would get to it soon. He supposed it would be some kind of justice. If there was no afterlife, all the better.

The truck rattled loudly as they rushed down the paved roads. The thundering drowned out most other sounds, and conversing was close to impossible. To his right he saw Zeke lean into Pieck, speaking into her ear. She seemed to contemplate his words before she responded. Whatever their conversation was about, they did not seem to deem it necessary that he heard. They had probably noticed over time how disillusioned he had become, even though he dutifully continued to fight. They probably imagined that they understood why he was this way. But they understood nothing. They did not know of the dreams in which he was still a soldier shrouded in green. He would wake up believing it to be true. Then there was the harrowing confusion when his mind could not puzzle together his memories with his surroundings. He would hear the bombs in the distance, the sound of the machine guns firing, and before his eyes the world would blur between the grimy trenches and the faces of titans; the guns would start screaming like dying horses and men being devoured, and the smell of burning flesh overwhelmed him, making his eyes water. He felt afraid. When the memories finally aligned themselves and reality came crashing down it was close to unbearable. The fear never died completely, because he knew he was a wounded soldier, warrior, and slowly going mad.

He looked up, noticing the silent man watching him from where he sat next to Iris; no Siri, he must remember her name right, Siri Holt. Did she think it a clever jape to spell her own name backwards? That man she was with had the blackest eyes he had ever seen, even in the light outside they'd been like dark pits in his skull. Had he ever seen him blink? This scarecrow of a man now scrutinized him silently, making him feel uncomfortably exposed. He remembered the look on that Muntz's face when told to go summon this creature all too well. As if the man had heard his thoughts, he blinked. The motion was slow, like that of a lazy fat reptile. Reiner felt his upper lip curl reflexively, and on the other side of the truck the scarecrow smiled. His face held no warmth. Reiner decided that he greatly disliked the stranger.

For hours they shook down bumpy roads, in parts paved and smooth, in other parts full of holes where grenades had exploded. Waste cluttered the surrounding landscape, left behind by the troops as the armies had moved on. The ground had turned to mud and dirt where thousands of feet had treaded over it. Twice they had to stop to clear barbed wire off the road; both times the fumes from the decomposing dead nearby formed a thick cloud of stench that turned many stomachs. Muntz scrambled out of the truck both times, the second time he fell on his way to the side of the road and vomited all over himself. His ears and cheeks burned red with shame when some soldiers in their truck, Iris included, insisted that he put on a clean shirt before being welcome back inside. Captain Lindner who had been amicably quiet until then bristled, telling the soldiers to quiet down and Muntz to change with haste.

Their pace slowed as darkness crept upon them. The lights on their trucks were turned off, the flap in the back of the trucks were pulled down and fastened, making an oil lamp hanging from the ceiling their only source of light. They rolled silently through the thickening dark. Without the sound of the tires thundering against the road and the rattling creak of the truck's hull, the silence in the back felt heavy. For the last hour Iris had been sat with her head leaned back against the canvas, her eyes closed though it was beyond Reiner how anyone could sleep like that. She looked younger when she slept. Her skin was still smooth. He could see the soft round shapes of her breasts through the uniform, and the fabric clung to the curve of her hips. She looked lighter, harder than he remembered. Warmth stirred inside of him as he stared at the soft skin of her throat, just above the bright red scar running across it. He still wanted her. How typical of him to want things that were out of his reach. He shifted in his seat slightly, stiff and aching from the long ride.

The war had broken out only months after the news got out of his failure at Paradis. The world called it Marley's failure, but it was made very clear to him who was responsible. They had talked of taking the armored titan from him, but had decided to give him the chance to win this war for them instead. He had bent his head, thanked them, and leapt at the chance to drown his regrets in the sweat and blood of others. He could not be the one who let everybody down.

An intense period of constant shifting, drawn out battles and little sustenance had landed him in a hospital bed for 24 hours with a saline drip hooked up to his arm. There had been a nurse there who had clearly shown him interest. Eager to ease his guilty conscience he had taken her into his bed, imagining she was someone else as he delved into and moved himself inside her. For a short while there, as the sweat ran down his back and all he heard was her gasping breath and the thundering of his own heart, he had felt something that had almost been good and sweet. But once he was done he only felt dirty. He could change his clothing, wash mud and blood from his skin, but the filth always remained. It was inside of him, in his soul. After that time nothing would stir his lust. His attempts at fondling himself left him feeling sickened by his own touch; his cock would not stiffen but simply hung there like a dead worm.

He rubbed his face, suppressing the urge to curse under his breath. He should not be thinking about these things. On the opposite side of the space, Iris pried one of her dark eyes open, watching him. He wondered if she could see it in his face. He shifted again, earning him a grunt of annoyance from Porco who had drifted off an hour ago, slowly sliding more and more to the side up until he was resting against Pieck's shoulder. Iris turned to the boy Bjergsen on her left.

"I don't get why we bother with these attempts at sneaking, we hold this damned outpost, and the enemy knows we're here. Silly right? Tell me boy, why did you want to become a soldier?"

"I-It's a great honor to serve your country. Marley is the greatest nation in the world, and it was built by heroes like Helos and great men like general Calvi" he stuttered. He was a boy with a lithe build who looked to be both weak and gentle hearted. Iris had probably been right; many officers would have dismissed him as cannon fodder, Marleyan or no. Iris chuckled.

"I didn't ask for your father's thoughts on this _great _nation, what about you, what do you want?"

"I..." the boy looked at his knees nervously. Reiner remembered being fifteen and realizing his fellow cadets relied on him for encouragement and advice. He had been bigger than most of them, stronger, already trained as a warrior before becoming a cadet. He had begun to feel out of breath when Iris was around, and when she wasn't he would think of what she was doing, planning out conversations he wanted to have with her. Life had never been so good before. Until he thought of what his life _really_ was of course. He had wanted to think less and less of it. Annie and Bertholdt hadn't helped either, always doubting and fretting over shitty things, needing him to tell them what to do and despising him for it at the same time. They'd been more manageable when he'd slipped into playing Marcel. For a long time he'd actually been kidding himself that he was doing a good job in his place, perhaps even being better at it than Marcel had. Everyone seemed to like it when he played Marcel.

"I want to serve my country, do something important. But I don't know how to." The boy looked crestfallen.

"Don't look so discouraged. Start with doing as I tell you to, and figure things out as you go." She gave him a crooked little smile that made Reiner's stomach ache. The freckled boy snorted loudly.

"Having no ambition or plan sure is a great plan." His tone was snarky.

"Speaking of which, isn't a field medic just a glorified nurse?" she quipped. Vinther's mouth fell open in silent fury, Bjergsen looked relieved to have been spared of making a reply, and the scarecrow smiled chillingly.

"I'll be a surgeon one day!" Vinther protested, swelling with outrage.

"Well you ain't one yet so sit the fuck down and stop rocking the boat, boy."

The captain covered his face with his hand. "Language, Holt. A woman should not take such words in her mouth."

"Men" she huffed, "they want you to take all sorts of things in your mouth, but god forbid you let slip a curse or two." Lindner cringed, but at his side the greenish Muntz actually managed a little smile.

"Don't take god's name in vain when you're being vulgar" he snapped.

"Alright alright" She leaned back again. "How about a song?"

"No singing" Lindner looked stressed. "We are not in the wilderness anymore."

"Sorry captain" she muttered sullenly. "I'll shut it for now, but as soon as we're back in the middle of buttfuck nowhere again _there will _be singing. Me and Jun are gonna sing some sweet acapella for young Bjergsen and Vinther here."

The scarecrow seemed to find this amusing, his teeth and his black eyes both glimmered in the dull light, though he made no sound. For some reason the notion earned Iris a look of discomfort from Lindner, but without further complaints of her use of language.

Upon their arrival at the checkpoint they were all divided by unit and ushered to their sleeping quarters for the night. Seeing how the checkpoint was built around a small community that had been taken over, the sleeping quarters consisted of people's abandoned homes. Reiner was used to this by now, but he still felt that there was something ghostly about how people's personal belongings, including family photos, were still cluttering the spaces now swimming with military cots and unwashed men. The Warrior Unit was directed to a bedroom inside a run-down cottage whose windows had been boarded shut either before or after the occupation. Pieck was instructed to sleep inside the space that had probably been used as a storage closet, while Zeke claimed one side of the double feather bed that took up most of the floor space in the room. Neither Colt nor Porco seemed comfortable with claiming the other side, so he placed his pack there. They took to the two foldable cots without a word about it, so he assumed no one objected to him having a soft mattress to sleep on. No matter where in the room they slept, Zeke's snoring would be inescapable.

They walked together to the canteen, lead on by the smell of vegetables and pork. Inside the soldiers were grouped around tables of six; Eldians sat together and Marleyan officers had their own corner inside the large room. They received a bowl of greyish soup each from the kitchen staff, women all clad in white aprons with kerchiefs covering their hair. Reiner wondered if these women were original occupants of this little community, but it was difficult to tell. Not all people of the mid-east looked very different from them. In the corner where the Marleyan officers sat, Iris stood, beckoning them over.

"Warchief Zeke, over here!"

People stared at them as the five of them approached the table where Iris, her fireteam, the captain, and private Muntz were sitting. Iris went to the tables around her, gathering chairs so they could all squeeze in together. One Marley officer, an older man with a broad face and an equally broad build gave them an openly hostile glare, and spat on the ground in their direction. Captain Lindner seemed acutely aware of the reactions from the Marley soldiers around them, but obviously chose to go with his subordinate's decision.

"I hope your accommodation is to your liking, Warchief. I apologize for the little nook you were assigned, miss Pieck. There are too few women present to set aside a space specifically for your kind." He did a good job playing at being oblivious to the reactions of his fellow Marley officers. The warriors began taking their seats, and with a sinking feeling Reiner realized that the only open space was at her side. He slipped down, trying not to bump against her as he went. He was used to the smell of sweat, but he was unprepared for her familiar scent as he breathed in deeply, trying to relax.

"I don't see why they bother separating us by gender at all. What are they guarding, our _modesty_? Don't make me laugh. I suppose it spares us of watching the men bugger each other, but I ain't one to say no to a good show" Iris shrugged. Pieck let a giggle escape before she muffled it by putting her hand across her mouth. Lindner's mouth settled into a hard line.

"Not everyone is subject to the same depravity as you Holt. Sometimes I worry for your future."

Reiner put a spoonful of soup into his mouth, tasting the stale water. The pieces of pork were like dry woodchips, and the parsnips had been boiled for so long they disintegrated, turning into mush on his tongue. He tried not to choke, swallowing quickly.

"Ah come on captain, live a little. Most people find they like it up the ass if they just give it a try. Thousands of young men are marching towards an early grave; let 'em have some fun along the way. No one should have to die a virgin" she snickered. Colt's spoon clattered into his bowl. Iris gave him a knowing look, which then swept over to Porco who avoided her gaze, his ears reddening slightly. When her eyes fell on Zeke, her eyebrows shot up and she made a face of mild surprise.

"I'm eating" Lindner said with a tone suggesting this topic was done with. The scarecrow was seated to Iris's right side, and he nudged her slightly. Reiner did not know where he had gotten it from, but he pushed an apple her way. She gave her companion a long look, and then bent over, pulling a knife out of her left boot. She parted the apple in two, putting one half out towards him and jamming the other half in her mouth as she slipped the knife back into her shoe. He took it.

"Thank you Jun. I really did you an injustice in giving you that name... ought to be ashamed of myself" She chewed her apple. The fruit gave her breath a sweet scent. Reiner forced another spoonful of the disgusting soup into his mouth, feeling his heart beating hard. "You know, that could all be amended if you would just tell me your real name." The silent man made no reply.

It turned out that Captain Lindner had done quite a lot of research around the Warrior Unit beforehand. He knew of their past achievements, the families they all came from, and he hinted at knowing much more about the previous hosts. Yet another topic Reiner really did not care to think of. If he was not mistaken, Iris showed some well masked disdain when the topic was brought up as well. He wanted to talk to her, ask her what she was playing at, yell at her for being here instead of living in peace somewhere else... Hear her whisper his name softly into his ear, grovel in the dust begging her to forgive him. Instead he stared into his bowl of soup, not saying a word. He was afraid his words or his voice would betray all the things no one was allowed to know.

They all got up together once their meal was finished, exiting the building as a group. The captain made off towards the nicer accommodations reserved for commissioned officers, excusing himself with that he had letters to write. Iris confided that he wrote to his wife almost every day, which Muntz confirmed. He himself had been assigned a cot amongst the trench raiders, men he seemed to mostly dislike.

"Come with us, we can fit you somewhere" Iris offered. Muntz turned her down, purposefully avoiding looking at the silent man. Reiner imagined the black eyed man watching over Iris as she slept, and found that he disliked the thought almost as much as he disliked and mistrusted the harrowing stranger.

Back inside their own cramped space, they all sat down for a moment at Zeke's request.

"I think we can speak freely in here, but keep your voices down" Zeke began, sitting on the edge of the mattress on his side of the bed. "I think we should be careful around this new captain. Even if he and his underlings treat us as their equals, we need to remember what we are. I'm sure I don't need to remind you of any of this, but now I've said it anyway."

"I don't like him. I mean what's he playing at with that kiss-ass attitude towards you? Don't like how he talked about you either, Pi." Porco had his arms crossed against his chest where he stood, leaning against the wall. Pieck only smiled mildly. There had always been a disarming sense of tranquility to her smiles.

"I don't think he meant anything by it Pock. He seems rather old fashioned. If he had a problem with women I don't believe he would have raised Holt to the rank of corporal, or let her get away with as much as he does. I even get the sense that he likes her."

"Don't see why" Porco bristled. Reiner thought he was probably dissatisfied at how he had defended her, only to have her brush him off. Still wearing that deceptively sleepy smile, Pieck turned her gaze to him.

"Why don't you ask Reiner, he likes her too."

Ice inside his stomach; Pieck sees too much. Without being able to help himself, his gaze fell to the floor. The stubble on his chin itched. "I don't know where you got that from." His voice sounded hoarse and throaty.

"Maybe I am mistaken" Pieck offered mildly.

"Really hope you're not dumb enough to hope for that one Braun, she's one of them. I thought you were still brooding over that girl, what was her name?" Porco jeered.

"Lea" Pieck finished. He rubbed his face. He really did not want to talk about this, or think about her. "Sorry Reiner, I should not have brought it up." But she had. His head hurt.

"Never mind her though, what about that _thing _that follows her around? Gives me the creeps."

"I don't know" Zeke sighed. "I have no idea what to make of that one, but I can tell you one thing – Watch your words around him. He listens to everything and says nothing, a quality I do not care much for. Let's sleep, or I might perish during the march tomorrow."

"Sounds good to me" Pieck murmured. "Goodnight Colt." She always made an effort to make him feel included. The door closed behind her, and Reiner removed his uniform jacket. He would sleep wearing his undershirt, trousers and socks in case there was an attack during the night. You could never be too sure these days. Not long after creeping underneath his blankets he heard Zeke's breaths grow heavy, and then he started snoring. Reiner twisted and turned as the minutes ticked by, more weary than ever before but sleep eluded him. Not until the wee hours of the morning did he feel himself overcome by sleep, and he hoped for a short rest without any dreams. Just one night of peace, couldn't he at least have that?


	25. 24

He was hit with such force he jolted backwards. The shockwave sent massive tremors through his body; his bones crunched, compressed, shattered. His flesh burned, tearing loose in massive chunks. He wanted to scream but his mouth was filled with fire. The hot tendrils of flame burned down his throat and all he felt was pain as the insides of his lungs blackened. _Wait; _he had wanted to call for them to wait. His inner voice became a wordless scream as the skin melted off his face.

He recoiled from the hand placed on his shoulder, gently shaking him from sleep. For a moment he scrambled, entangled in the bedsheets that had covered his mattress, then he fell backwards over the side of the bed. He crashed to the floor, twisting his arm underneath him. Pain exploded in his shoulder, and he bit his tongue, blood instantly filling his mouth. The sheet wrapped tightly around him was soggy and wet, a droplet of sweat rolled into his eye as he looked up at the dark wooden ceiling. It stung. He remembered the feeling of his eyes bursting from the heat, running out of their sockets and down his face. Whose memories were those?

"It's morning Reiner" he heard Zeke say as he took a moment, trying to assemble the memories. At first he feared he'd collapsed again. If he did they would probably take the armored titan from him. If they did take it they might give it to Gabi. He could not let them do that, Gabi must never know, she must never see. He closed his eyes, tried to calm himself.

_Iris. Her blue eyes looking at him, the light bounces off her dark lashes. It's as if she sees something that is beautiful._

He remembers this room. Detangling himself from the twisted sheets he stands, swallowing a mouthful of blood. His tongue has already healed yet it aches, remembering the wound that was there a moment ago. Doctors speak of phantom pain for patients who'd had their limbs amputated; though his grew back it was as if the flesh remembered. On the other side of the room a bare breasted Porco looked to be trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with him. Colt was already dressed, and even looked like he might have brushed his pale blonde hair. He let the sheet trail to the floor, feeling the coarse bristles of his cheek against his palm as he let his hand rub his face. Time to dress, no time to tarry.

"Pieck, are you up?" Zeke raised his voice, rapping the door gently. A shuffling was heard from within as Reiner slipped his arms through the sleeves of his uniform jacket, and Pieck emerged from within a moment later.

"Morning" she offered sleepily.

"Good morning" Colt replied shyly. Porco grunted something that could be interpreted as a greeting. They did not wait for him to put his shoes on, for which he was grateful. As soon as they had closed the door behind him he sagged back onto the edge of the bed. He breathed deeply for a few moments, counting quietly to himself as he drew breath.

As he entered the canteen he found the warriors seated together with the two boys from Iris's fireteam. Zeke had lectured them about not trusting marleyans even if they were friendly, yet twelve hours later he had foregone his own advice.

"Good morning Mr. Braun" the Bjergsen boy said to him as he approached with his bowl of porridge. He mumbled a good morning to the boy, ignoring the insolent look the freckled one gave him. Sitting down, he stared into the unappetizing grey sludge he was expected to digest. There had been a time when food had seemed important to him, whether it tasted well or not. He had needed to keep himself strong, so anything he could get he would eat. But he had less need for his body today, and others cared little about it. It was the titan they needed, not him. He would never be the one everyone needed. The day he had realized that he had been bent over the ship's rail, fighting back the tears. After they'd laid anchor back in his homeland he stepped off that ship, dry eyed, leaving the last remnants of the child he'd been behind him.

"Are you not feeling well Mr. Braun?"

"I'm alright, only a little tired private Bjergsen." Had she really picked the boy for the reasons she had given? It would not be very like her to admit to her true intentions. But then he had never quite understood her to begin with. He had imagined that he was a great judge of character at some point, or Marcel had been at least... But he was not Marcel. He had joked with her about being a liar, imagining himself to be the irresistible double agent in some cheap novella.

"O-of course, forgive me if I..." the boy trailed off. Reiner tried to turn the corners of his mouth up, hoping to convey that it was quite alright. He was in no mood for talking. Perhaps the boy was as perceptive as she had claimed; at least he seemed to pick up on Reiner's state of mind. "Was he not feeling well?" - A question no one had asked him for as long as he could remember. It had made him defensive. He'd been short with the boy, but perhaps that was a good thing. He ate a few spoonfuls of his porridge, feeling it sticking to the inside of his mouth and throat like glue. Disgusted he let the spoon fall into his bowl, straightening his back as he suppressed the urge to yawn.

"You're tired" Porco muttered. Reiner could hear the confrontation coming from his tone of voice. "I'm fuckin' exhausted from listening to you squealing like a stuck pig in your sleep Braun. Even unconscious you're a sad sack, it's getting on my frickin' nerves. I can't wait until we win this war so I don't have to see your stupid face all day." Despite his heated words his voice was low and steady. When they were young he'd lose his temper, yell and punch and kick until Marcel would pull him off, but with age he'd grown more controlled. The Bjergsen boy's mouth was ajar as he stared at Porco uncomprehendingly. Perhaps he wasn't used to people swearing, although how could any soldier be completely alienated from coarse language?

"That's not fair Pock, and you know it. We're all on the same side here" Pieck's voice had an uncharacteristic sharpness to it. Porco's face darkened, no doubt blaming Reiner for him being reprimanded. Reiner wasn't quite sure why Porco so desperately wanted Pieck's approval. The thought that stingy, pug nosed Porco might have a crush on her had crossed his mind. He doubted there was much allure in the overcompensating younger Galliard brother from Pieck's point of view though. He had found that he liked the thought of Porco's hopeless love interest. One little piggy went to the movies, one little piggy stayed home, and one little piggy never got the girl, spending his sad short life pining after someone who didn't want him. He noticed the Bjergsen boy staring at him again, and he wondered what expression the boy had read on his face just now. Now or in the near future, he'd figure out what a wretched man this Mr. Braun he'd so courteously addressed was. Just give it time.

Feeling done with his meager breakfast he stood, turning his back to them all as he walked away. As he made his way back to the room they'd slept in, he thought of Gabi again. She had been a toddler when he had left for Paradis. Seeing her again had been quite the shock. She was a snot nosed brat now, bursting with enthusiasm, always speaking her mind assuming everyone was just dying to hear what she had to say. She reminded him of Eren... stupid, justified fucking Eren with his righteousness and his damned crusade. Hot pain in his right hand let him know that his hand had balled into a tight fist, his fingernails digging into his palm. Thinking of Eren always made him feel wired. Gabi also reminded him of himself, the way he'd been once. She was so _proud _of her cousin, the warrior. She wanted to become just like him, fighting for their great nation, fighting against evil. He rushed his steps, bursting into the little bedroom where the old family's glass framed pictures still hung on one of the walls. He drove his fist into the glass that reflected his own damned image back at him, feeling the crunch as the glass broke. The pain creeping up his arm felt dull, more caused by the force of his punch than the splinters of glass digging into his knuckle. It showered down to the floor as he removed his fist, and the sound as shards of glass hit the wooden floorboards reminded him of music. He tried to calm his heavy breathing, feeling the itch in his body as it wanted to regenerate but he prevented it. He'd pluck the glass from the cuts first, or the flesh would heal over them, encasing them inside his body.

He stepped out of the room and walked the few steps over to where the bathroom was. Using the foldable army knife he kept in the pocket of his uniform jacket he dug out the little splinters of glass from his flesh. The pain made his hand shake, and little spatters of blood sprayed up on the mirror and stained the washing basin red. Once he was done he allowed the skin to heal over his fist, experiencing that familiar sensation of heat as his body rapidly regenerated. He looked up, meeting the eye of the man in the mirror. His tired eyes were framed by a weathered face with a scraggly beard. He remembered a voice saying _"You're trying to hang me, aren't you?! You and your damned mother both, I'm going to run as far as I can from you Eldian devils"._

_Wait_

He'd wanted to tell the person to wait, instead a door had slammed shut. He looked down at the knife in his hand, raised it, placed it against his skin where his carotid artery was located. He stared at the stranger in the mirror, standing there with a knife at his throat. He looked frightened, as if the possibility of the blade sinking in, opening him up and leaving him to pour out all over the floor scared him more than the thought of tomorrow did. He angled the blade, brought it to his cheek and began scraping off the scraggly facial hair.

He found the other members of the Warrior Unit were packed and ready to go when he returned to the room. He had taken his time in washing the blood from the stained mirror and basin, and once that was done he had washed his face. Someone had gotten rid of the broken glass, removing the shards still held in the frame on the wall before hanging the picture back up. It was probably Pieck or Colt who had done it, they were the kind of people who cared about such things.

"You've shaved" Pieck smiled. "It suits you." She winked slyly at him, and he thought he understood what she was hinting at.

"Really, a goatee Braun?" Porco questioned critically, clearly having missed the mischievous look in Pieck's dark eyes. He ignored Porco and Pi both. She probably meant to encourage him, thinking it was a sign of health that he would take a little care of himself. But her keen eyed comment stirred something in him that was better left alone. Why had he bothered to shave anyway? It could not be what Pi thought. Wearing what he supposed was a somber look, he picked up his pack from the floor, pushing past Porco in the process. As he turned to leave he noticed Colt following him. The boy looked deflated. Reiner thought the tension between them all was difficult for the boy to handle. They walked through the hallway at a slow pace; there was still time before they would march but he itched to leave this claustrophobic little house.

"How're you doing Colt?" he heard himself ask although he was not sure he cared for the answer.

"I'm okay... sometimes I wonder if I'm just in the way though."

"It's not you... I heard your brother has enrolled in the program."

"He's in the same group as your cousin, a candidate to inherit – ah but you know that already."

"I know."

"When I was enrolled all I thought about was how much better our family could live if I was chosen. I thought of how mother could bake real bread using only flour, we would have electrical lights in our house, and my parents would be less afraid" he went quiet, looking around them as if worried that someone had heard his words. His family had escaped being sent to Paradis or sent to the gallows when his uncle's involvement with the restorationists was revealed, but it did not mean that they were safe. They were demoted to the lowest class citizens whose rations were meager, jobs simple and heavy, and they were deprived of electricity and communal heating.

"It is a great honor to be chosen as a warrior candidate" Reiner droned mechanically, wishing he could go back to sleep.

"Yes"

But the boy gave him a long look that made him wonder if he too doubted the truth of those words.

He walked them to the southern gate of the compound from where they would head out. The nights out here were icy cold, and though the sun was on the rise the air still held a chill that crept through his clothing. He remembered a place where the days were warm, sometimes uncomfortably hot. Tight leather straps had dug into his skin as the sweat rolled down his back. He could still smell the dirt and the sweat from the bodies around him. In a few hours they would head on back home. He was hungry, tired, and they'd been working since dawn broke. Seriously, they ought to be promoted for this. He hadn't survived three years of training to be chomped before receiving a pro-

He stopped dead in his tracks, shaking his head to try clear it. He was in mid-eastern allied territory. It had been almost two years since he'd returned from Paradis, or had it? He could have been sent back for another attempt. No, he _had been_ sent back for another attempt. That's when he had lost Bertholdt... but when was that? He tried to arrange his memories in a timeline but could not, and it frightened him. The people around him all knew how the events of the last seven years had transpired, but he could not ask them. Bertholdt would have reminded him... or Bert would have squealed to Magath in which case he would not have been here now... But Bert was most likely dead. People said you should not speak ill of the dead, perhaps that rule could be applied to thoughts as well. Iris would know what had happened, but she seemed more likely to throttle him in his sleep than tell him of his comrade's fate. His fingernails dug into his palm, and he kept himself from cursing under his breath, because somewhere he had it in the back of his mind that Colt was probably staring at him.

He looked up, finding that Colt had left his side. He was stood a few yards away, speaking to Bjergsen and that snooty Vinther boy. The auburn haired boy looked down over his nose at him as he approached them, but was forced to turn his face upward as Reiner's height made him tower over the boy.

"My father says you're the reason for this war" Freckles said to him, because greetings were obviously a thing of the past now. "This is what happens when Eldian scum are involved."

"Don't say that Jannik, it's the island devils that are the cause of this. Eldians have made sacrifices as well" private Bjergsen argued. Colt's eyes had dropped to gaze upon his own shoes. The tips of his ears were slightly red.

"Ooh Jannik, is that your name? You heard what Bjergsen said, it's those monsters out on that blasted island that are to blame. Mr. Braun here did his very best to carry out his duty"

Reiner felt himself flinch as she weaseled out from behind him. Had she not spoken he would not have known she was there. She sauntered into view wearing a crooked, predatory grin. His mouth felt as if it was full of sand.

"I am responsible." He noticed that her bottom lip was split and swollen.

"For a lot of things I'm sure, but this war is really about politics. Vinther, are you aware of how many neighboring nations we have absorbed or colonialized in the last century? Genocide is never all-around popular." He tried to remember if she used to be so tongue-in-cheek, but could not. She had spoken in an old fashioned way, rarely expressing her thoughts but when she did it had been genuine. She'd kept things from him but it had made him feel less guilty somehow.

"That's the way the world works, the strong always overtake the weak" Vinther argued, seemingly upset that his team leader always shot down his arguments. Her smile faded, and Reiner could not read the look on her face as she made her reply.

"You're right about that." Her eyes met his, and she held his gaze for a moment. He thought that for the first time he saw a glimmer of recognition in her. His heart beat fast and hard, and he wished she would smile at him the way she used to. Having let his imagination wander that far made him feel disgusted with himself. He thought he'd come to peace with his life, and now she came here, stirring things up again. He had not wanted her to see him like this. As if she'd heard his thoughts her brows furrowed slightly, and she looked away from him. There it was, the disgust he'd waited for.

"Hope all of you boys can keep up all the way to the front. Anyone who falls behind will be given to Jun."

"For what?" Vinther did not seem excited by the prospect of being left in the care of the silent man.

"I doubt you'd like the details. Oh look, there's the Warchief now!" She waved. A bit away Reiner saw some men shooting dark looks their way, muttering and grumbling. To his surprise he found that they were Eldian soldiers, and they were looking at Iris. Again he was struck with the feeling of surrealism, like all the rules of their society had been turned upside down. What kind of messed up company had their unit been assigned to?

"Good morning Corporal Holt. Are we expected to move out on time?"

"Of course, the old captain is never late. He should be out here, brimming with enthusiasm in about two minutes." She put a hand to her side, pushing her hip out. The shy morning sunlight caught her hair, making it glow. He remembered waking to find her resting next to him with a hand behind her head, bare breasts exposed. They had fit nicely into his hands, and when her nipples stiffened from his touch they would tickle the palms of his hands.

"Where is your friend?"

"Jun? He's somewhere around, behind you, behind me, who knows?" she shrugged.

"I doubt it's suitable that I call him by his first name" Zeke starched his ear wearing an apologetic smile that was undoubtedly faked.

"Don't worry, he doesn't care much for what you call him... at least I don't think he does. Here comes the captain now" She tapped her wristwatch expectantly as Reiner heard Porco ask Pi if she needed any help carrying her pack. She was rather small, and though her titan form had great endurance her own physique was somewhat lacking in strength and stamina. New equipment was being developed for her titan, allowing her to carry a unit of gunmen on her back into battle, but the cooling system of the machine guns were so far not effective enough. The equipment they had designed for carrying supplies would not have sufficed to carry even this little company of soldiers across the plains to the pass, but Reiner had a nagging feeling there was another reason for their trek on foot, or they could just have driven the trucks all the way there.

As if on cue, Captain Lindner came treading up towards the gate with his subordinate Muntz in tow. The young man looked a lot healthier today, smiling broadly with an air of charm about him. He had very straight teeth, Reiner noted.

"Good morning, nice to see everyone getting along."

"Yeah, Neuhäuser and his gang of thugs are ecstatic to see us again." Reiner could only surmise that the men glaring from across the yard were the aforementioned thugs.

"I trust there will be no problem from any of you"

"Of course not, captain."

"Good, call your man and we will head out." Lindner produced a pocked watch from his uniform jacket and gave it a stressed little tap.

"Call him, why sir, when he is already here?" Iris smirked. Reiner had no idea where the man had come from, but he slid out of the shadow cast by the house to their left. He could have been watching them this entire time for all they knew. Again he felt the dislike for the scarred and ragged man itch at the back of his neck. Jun walked up to Iris, ignoring the rest of them completely. Bjergsen and Colt who'd stood quietly listening to the conversation up until now fidgeted nervously, as if remembering Iris's words on entrusting anyone who failed to keep up to the care of her quiet companion. Technically Zeke outranked her, but the ranks assigned to the warrior unit were mostly for show, so it was probably not impossible for her to order such a thing for Colt, or any of them if she wished it. Personally he found it difficult to pinpoint why he felt so uneasy around this Jun character, there was just something about him that made Reiner think of snakes, lizards and other cold things.

Lindner ordered the march, and they formed an orderly column as they walked out through the gates. Pi had surrendered her pack to Porco, but Zeke insisted they would all take turns in helping her carry her equipment. Perhaps he thought they needed to work on their team spirit. It mattered little to Reiner, Pi's things weighed nothing. He had other things weighing on him, but those were things no one could help him carry.

Iris seemed in a good mood, chanting marching songs as the miles slowly rolled by. As midday passed, she went onto singing. He had never heard her sing before, in fact, she had never expressed an interest in music to him at all. He found her voice easy to listen to, but the songs sounded like ones meant to be sung amongst your own men in the trenches, far from where the officers could hear.

"The coffee that they give us, they say is mighty fine  
it's good for cuts and bruises but it tastes like iodine  
I don't want no more of army life, gee but I want to go home

The biscuits in the army, they say they're mighty fine  
one rolled off the table and it killed a pal of mine  
I don't want no more of army life, gee but I want to go home"

On the song went, and it seemed to be a well-known one because some of the men fell in. Several verses later most of the specialists had joined in, singing in low, deep voices. They marched and they sang until the sun dipped behind the mountains in the east and darkness came upon them. Then they set camp, building small fires to cook and warm themselves around as the chill of night came creeping. They would sleep under the open sky, counting themselves lucky if they found a cozy, flat surface on the ground to lie down on. Pieck sat cross-legged before the fire, tugging at the hem of her full length skirt to make sure it covered her knees. The people who decided which kind of fashion was proper and which was not obviously thought that the sight of a woman's knees would be too exciting for men to endure. Exactly whom these people were who still held onto these fusty old ideas no one seemed to know, yet they all abided by the rules of society. If the Marleyan establishment had sought to birth a generation of conformists, they seemed to have succeeded in their goal. At least until you scratched the surface, and found rebel uprisings in the colonies and the borderlands, secret societies of Eldians dreaming of a better future, a military force whose numbers were dwindling quickly due to the lack of progress in military technology and so on. Reiner knew that around thirty years ago Marley had made fast advancements in the development of new weaponry. The water-cooled machine gun had been developed, and together with the titan powers they had put the fear of god in their enemies. There had even been talk of bombs with greater capacity than the world had ever seen before, and chemical weapons that could lay waste to entire armies at a time. But the advancement had come to a halt when the genius rumored to be responsible for it all had disappeared. Since then Marley had been on a slow decline as the rest of the world began to catch up.

Reiner blinked, and found that he was standing undecidedly by the fire while the rest of the warriors had seated themselves. He had gone off on a tangent, he supposed. His mind would wander often, and each time he snapped out of his train of thought he would find that he had completely forgotten what he had been doing before mentally checking out. He sat down on the cold ground, watching Zeke stir the contents of a pot that had been placed on top of the large rock they had placed beside the fire. The flames licked the stone, making it too hot to touch with your bare hands. The contents of the pot would never come to a boil this way, but it was not needed to cook their watery, meager soup.

"I'm spent" Pieck huffed, running a hair through her hair. She looked less herself in her crinkly clothes and disheveled hair somehow. "How much further do you think?"

"A little over fifty miles" Reiner figured that by the end of this trek, even his blisters would have developed blisters.

"That far?" She sounded appalled and disappointed at the same time.

"At the pace we've been going I think they'll push us to reach the pass the day after tomorrow." They would probably be awoken before dawn, and would be walking until after the sun set, but he decided not to say it in so many words.

"I wonder if they'd let me use my titan for some of it. I could scout ahead."

"Why don't you try asking the captain? He seems to have a thing for girls." Porco had probably not meant for the comment to sound demeaning.

"I'm just upset because my feet hurt Pock. Have you not wondered why they make us walk there?"

"I assumed it was part of some masterful plan of theirs" The words were uttered with a certain amount of irony.

"Undoubtedly" Zeke chimed in. "Trucks would be easy targets for grenade launchers if they suspect there's hostile troops in the vicinity. They could move us to the front more efficiently by letting us use our titans to get there, but that plan has one fatal flaw."

"What flaw?"

Zeke looked to Colt who'd been sat with a pondering look upon his face. "Yes, what flaw indeed. Colt, any ideas?" The boy fidgeted nervously.

"I guess... I was thinking that they don't want the enemy to know the warrior unit is being mobilized. If they are watching us they will know that there's troops being moved up to the pass, but the identities of the titan vessels are not thought to be common knowledge."

"Good, that's what I was thinking as well" Zeke always looked like he dressed himself in the dark, never taking a moment to look in the mirror. His blonde hair fell in pale locks, paired with a fuzzy mustache and an unkempt beard. Someone else might have appeared a slob, but Zeke rather reminded him of an eccentric aristocrat. His glasses and customary cigarette rather emphasized this look. More than ten years had passed since he first met Zeke yet he did not know him on a personal level, and he doubted the other warriors did either. Zeke had a way of performing acts and stating opinions with a sense of sincerity that was convincing if not authentic. He was a very smart man who seemed to have figured out that the only way to keep a secret is to keep it to yourself. What was his end game? Reiner had no idea, he simply trusted Zeke the way he trusted the Marley officials, which is to say, not at all. Just do your duty, soldier.

"I believe you are both correct" a voice behind Reiner said. He reckoned it belonged to private Bjergsen.

"I'm curious" Zeke replied with mild amusement "How would you know that?"

Bjergsen stepped out from behind him and into the light of the fire. For someone who supposedly disliked the company of the boy from his unit, Vinther kept strangely close to the blonde boy. Perhaps it was mostly talk, because he followed close behind Bjergsen, and seated himself next to him by the fire. The tins in their hands were filled with soup similar to their own.

"I caught a glimpse of a transcript of our marching orders" the boy's ears reddened. He looked to be ashamed to admit that he had been peeking at the documents.

"Clever boy"

Out of his pocket, Bjergsen produced a little package of something that was wrapped in tinfoil. His slim, nimble fingers unwrapped one corner of the square object, and Reiner realized that the boy had a bar of chocolate. He bit a chunk out of the chocolate bar and then stilled. Colt was staring at him, wide eyed and full of amazement. Some things you just could not come by inside the internment zone they lived in, unless you traded it on the black market, an offense for which you risked capital punishment. Sugar you could come by at a high price, but cocoa powder was just too rare.

"Would you like some?" Bjergsen asked Colt who drew back as if he'd been burned.

"Oh no, I could not-" but Bjergsen simply broke off a piece and held it out to him. After a moment's hesitation he gave in, and took the treat in his hand, staring at it for a moment before putting it into his mouth. "It's so good" A smile spread across his face. Bjergsen returned his smile.

"Mother knows I have a sweet tooth so she always packs me some."

Vinther snorted. "You should start packing your own things, do want to be a kid forever?"

"You're right, but I kinda think it makes her happy to feel like someone needs her" The boy stirred his soup thoughtfully. "I wonder why the soldiers don't like Corporal Holt..."

"Some of them served together with the corporal under Captain Lindner down south." Vinther shoveled a spoonful of soup into his mouth. Zeke poured soup into their own small tins, distributing them between the unit members. Reiner accepted his, but found himself stirring its contents aimlessly. He needed to eat or people would start watching him, waiting for him to fall apart so they could tear him to pieces. So he forced himself.

"That doesn't explain anything" Bjergsen protested.

"Well" Vinther lowered his voice into a conspiratorial whisper "They sent out Lindner and 42 men to quell riots in several locations and... they all returned"

"So?"

"Don't you get it? Most peace keeping forces lose half their men, they get killed or desert, some units never return at all."

"But how does that explain why no one seems to like Corporal Holt?" Colt asked. Vinther seemed to have laid his spite against Eldians aside for the time being, and now seemed excited that Colt had asked that very question.

"I've heard that in the dead of night Lindner would send Corporal Holt and the silent man into the rebel camps and towns. No one knew why but they were not allowed to move in until first light, so they would wait for dawn to break, and once they advanced they would find the dead everywhere." His eyes glimmered in the light from the fire. "Some say he sent _only_ the silent man each time... There are even some rumors saying that he's not..." He fell silent and picked up another spoonful of his soup.

"Not what?" Colt seemed to have forgotten all about his food.

"Not human" Vinther finished. Bjergsen's mouth fell ajar, and he stared mutely at his friend. Colt only seemed confused by the prospect.

A movement in the corner of his eye caught Reiner's attention. He had time to snap his head around just as she stepped out of the darkness. She was smiling.

"You really shouldn't believe in everything you hear private Vinther."

"How long have you been listening?!" All three paled considerably.

"We did lose men down south, three of them in fact. Bjergsen's right though, they do hate me... But they hate Jun more."

The boys seemed to conclude they would not get into trouble for their gossiping.

"But why?"

She stepped closer to the fire and sat herself down where there was a free spot.

"Because I'm a better soldier than they are, and on the captain's good side, so they think I'm an annoying cunt. That's all the reason they need. Jun though, him they fear. Fear makes men believe all sorta' nonsense. The eldians oughta' know what I'm talking about." She looked between the members of the warrior unit, saving Reiner for last. As their eyes met he felt weak, as if her eyes alone could tear him down.

"Some people say eldians are evil, but I don't believe any of that. Jun too, he must be a good person." Bjergsen looked at Iris as he spoke the words. She seemed surprised.

"What makes you think that?"

"He looks after you, doesn't he?"

As Iris contemplated his words, her eyes went to the fire before them. Her right hand coiled into a tight fist, and she raised it up to her face, staring at it intently. The gesture reminded Reiner of someone, but he found it difficult to remember who.

"There was a time when Jun would have cut me down without a moment's hesitation. You see the good in people Bjergsen, I like that about you. But don't make the mistake of thinking Jun is a kind man."

"I don't understand"

Reiner did not really understand either.

"Well... you see, Jun used to be a slave."


	26. 25

She had been watching him all day, the woman who had made a traitor out of him at a time in his life when he had thought he could sink to no greater depths. He'd caught her glancing his way as he unenthusiastically gnawed on a strip of dried meat. Her eyes had found him again as she helped tend to Colt's blistered, bleeding feet before lacing his shoes back up. And even now as they marched he felt her watching eyes on him.

The ground lay dry and cracked underneath their feet, and their treading stirred up a massive cloud of dirt that trailed behind them for miles. Above his head, the sky cast its blinding light down upon them, making the air vibrate before his eyes. He knew he had to ration his water, but his throat felt dry and parched. In the last hour he had found himself in the middle of daydreaming about ponds, creeks and the splashing sound of water running down streams. His thoughts moved slowly, much slower than his feet did as the miles dragged on. Up ahead he saw Iris slow her pace until the warrior unit had caught up with her. Effortlessly she fell in beside him, keeping her eyes nonchalantly aimed ahead as she spoke quietly to him.

"Vice captain Braun, did you know the human body dehydrates quicker if you deprive it of nutrition?" she drawled, and detached her water skin from her belt, holding it out to him. She must have been frugal with her intake, because it was still almost full. He made no move to accept it, so she raised it up to his face, giving it a little shake. "I insist."

He did not want to admit to the surge he felt in his stomach at the thought of water, but he accepted the skin. He drank, taking care not to seem too eager, and lowered the skin after a few swallows though his insides screamed for more water. He could almost feel Porco's mocking gaze on him.

"Thank you, Corporal Holt."

"Not the talkative type, are you? Honestly I'd hate for you to grow weak, slowing us down. I'd have to hand you over to Jun, and boy would he like breaking you" her tone of voice was casual as if discussing the weather instead of threatening him. "I'd miss having such a pretty face around" she added almost as an afterthought, and gave him a sly, crooked little smile. He could not help but wonder if there was rage hidden underneath it. Would she find peace in causing him pain? Would she find justice?

"You're making fun of me" he stated dryly, experiencing a quiet simmering anger spreading within. Did she think to come here and humiliate him in front of the warriors? If she thought there was anything she could teach him about shame that he did not already know, she was sorely mistaken.

"Oh I wouldn't dare."

The captain came pushing back through the mass of bodies to their position with the silent man trailing behind him.

"Holt, I need you to translate for me. I asked him if we're moving fast enough" Lindner was visibly frustrated.

She turned her face to her companion. "Jun?" They looked at each other in silence for a few moments, as if they were having a conversation that only the two of them could hear, and then the man raised a hand, made some movements with his fingers in the air. To Reiner it looked like he might as well have been swatting flies.

"We're moving too slowly, at this pace we won't reach the pass until midday. And we're being watched. A small group of men, perhaps only four or five of them."

"How did you get all of that? I don't think that was even proper sign language... Corporal" Vinther, who'd been up ahead of them had turned around, now looking at Jun with open disdain. He added the last 'corporal' reluctantly as if he resented having a woman as his superior officer, bound to show her the same respect that he would a man. Iris only smiled, offering no explanation.

"We'll have to keep going after dark then. Just what I need, someone breaking a foot in the black of night." The captain muttered peevishly.

"It'll be alright Alfred" Iris offered cheerfully. The captain gave her rather glum look. They must be close, Reiner thought. He must know that she was not who she presented herself to be, which meant that he was not to be trusted. Perhaps he was in on whatever her plan was, or she had information about him that he would do anything to keep hidden.

Twenty one, Reiner suddenly remembered. She would be twenty one now, two years older than him. He had only seen her fight against the titans in Trost. She had attacked one that was aiming for one of the cadets, the noisy, gloomy one with the long face... He knew his name but the memories from his days as a soldier wanted to slip away... Kirstein, Jean. She had attacked a titan going for Jean, and he'd felt his insides turn cold when he thought that she would be killed. The decision to attack Trost had been his, and it was the only good plan he'd been able to come up with. That had been the first time he truly felt rotten. He knew that Iris might be injured or killed, but he saw no other way to move ahead with his mission. He'd told himself the mission was more important than he was, and subsequently, more important than she was. Again and again he'd been the cause of her being in danger. He'd watched her riding out with the survey corps, knowing that Annie would bring abnormals into the midst of the formation, knowing that she might go against his wishes and kill Iris to eliminate the disturbance. Each time she had returned unharmed he'd held her, feeling himself become more and more wretched. Time had dragged on without him trusting her enough to tell her the truth, nor being able to push her away. The truth was, he could have pushed her away. Maybe then he would have saved some of his dignity in the process. But he had not, because he wanted her, and he had never hesitated to go for the things he wanted. He was going to be a hero, celebrated among his people, and he would make her his prices, his reward for fathful service – That had been the plan. He had told himself that he would take her with him, and in time she would understand.

He'd been delusional, of course. Despite his flaws, he was not entirely ignorant. Even back then he'd known that he was losing it. He would wake up sometimes not knowing who he was. He had two lives in his head, and he found it hard to recognize which was real and which was fake. Iris had made it easier to carry the burden. Next to her he'd been the kind of person he'd always wanted to be. So there had been more to it than him just wanting her. She had meant a lot to him, a whole lot in fact. Realizing that he would never become the hero he'd wanted to be, failing his mission, and losing her had really been a whole lot of shit he was expected to live with.

Once the shock had passed and he truly began to feel the loss, he'd realized that it was just a matter of time before he'd eat his gun. It had been a dry, somber kind of realization, similar to looking out of the window to find that it was raining. There was no questioning it, it just was. He had some time left to try and right some of the wrongs he'd done, like making sure his entire family would not have to suffer for his blunders. He'd gone at it wanting to be practical, but Porco's scorn, his spiraling madness, and the ache inside his chest had made him a sloppy mess. But it had been alright because he would win this war, he'd told himself. And then it would end. He would not let another warrior inherit the armored titan. He would make sure no one ever saw his shameful memories, and the world would forget he ever existed.

It had been a good plan. He'd been content with it.

Then Iris showed up, tearing down that sense of calm resolve he had developed. And now he was even beginning to think she had not come to end his life, but for something else. What? He'd thought she had a gentle heart, and her care for the Bjergsen boy, Colt and even that wretch Jun reinforced his belief in her bleeding heart; which is why he found it difficult to believe that the islanders had tasked her with infiltrating Marley in order to bring them down. Perhaps he just did not want to think of her as his enemy? In all honesty though, he really did not think her capable of the kind of thing he had done to her and her people.

As they had been sitting by the fire the night before, she had mentioned that she would not have been alive today if she had not met the silent man. It had made him angry to hear that, though he could not pinpoint exactly why. Or perhaps he could pinpoint it if he tried, but he had the sense that it would be an ugly realisation, and so he decided not to.

After nightfall Lindner ordered them to halt and set camp. Then he sent Iris and the silent man into the darkness to find whoever was following them, and Reiner did not see her return. As he awoke on the hard ground in the morning he found that his teeth were rattling from the cold. He sat up, and saw her standing a few feet away.

"Get up, time to march" her voice cut through the silence like a razor. Then, a bit further away, another voice echoed her command to rise. He put a hand out, shaking the sleeping Porco by the shoulder. Porco grunted and swatted his hand away.

"Fuck off Braun"

Reiner climbed to his feet and started getting ready to go while looking her up and down out of the corner of his eye. He wondered if she had found who they'd been looking for. If so, what had been done with them?

Marching orders were called, and the unit of warriors moved closely together in the column of soldiers. They took their breakfast rations on the go while Colt did his best to conceal his limping. The bandages Iris had wrapped around his bleeding feet the morning before probably needed changing, but he was too shy to ask anyone for help. So he clenched his jaw, and limped on. Meanwhile Reiner felt the meat against the inside of his mouth turn into a gloopy disgusting mass. He spat it out, and drank the last of his water. When he looked back up she was in front of him, staring at him critically.

"You need to eat Braun"

He dodged past her, not wanting to engage in this strange charade in which they pretended to be strangers to each other. How could she be so unfazed with the danger of Porco finding her inside Ymir's memories? Was she that ready to die, or had she done something to Porco which made her feel reassured? People related by blood retained clearer memories from the previous hosts than hosts which had no connection to each other, but exactly how it worked no one knew.

A hand clasped his shoulder tightly, and he marveled at the strength in her grip. Her fingers dug into his flesh like talons. "Eat, or I will shove the food down your throat" she hissed. Icy needles pricked at the back of his neck when he looked into her face and realized that there was something different about her. She looked like Iris, and yet something about her had changed, like she was only a visually convincing replica of the original girl. He swallowed, feeling his throat produce a dry clicking sound, and nodded to her. She let his shoulder go. "Marley needs your strength." Then she increased her pace and headed over to Colt. They traded a few words that he could not hear, and then he watched her place one of Colt's arms across her own shoulders. Steadying the boy against her she called for the Bjergsen boy to come, and between them they half dragged, half carried Colt along.

"I think she likes you" he heard Pi say softly. She had gotten this all backwards.

"I don't see what would make you think that" he replied tiredly. Part of him wanted to be done with all the lies. Part of him just wanted to rest, slip away into dreamless sleep and forget all of this.

"Reiner, why not live a little? We don't have that much time you know"

He thought to himself that she had no idea just how little time he had left. "I must win this war. That's what matters."

"It's not your fault. This war, it's not your fault you know. Even Zeke knows it, though he likes to pretend otherwise."

"I'm responsible, so I'll set it right." She gave him a smile that let him know she thought he was being stubborn, but then she quieted and focused on walking.

As midday approached the mountains around them grew taller and finally appeared to come closer. When Reiner focused his eyes he spotted a sea of barbed wire. The pass must be over a mile wide. A mile reinforced with wire, sandy banks, trenches and machine guns. Half an hour later they reached the mouth of their trenches, and it became obvious to him that they had been here for a long time. Both sides must have dug down deep, unable to push the line in either direction. The dirt walls rose high on both sides, enveloping them as they kept moving forward, muffling the sound of the soldiers talking among themselves. The trench reminded Reiner of a grave opening up to swallow them.

A surly looking officer appeared up ahead where the trench divided in four directions. He stared at them as they approached, but did little else to acknowledge their presence. When they got close Reiner could see his mustache bristling. Lindner went up ahead, speaking to the man in hushed whispers. They traded a few short sentences, and then Lindner turned towards his troops.

"Teams one through four head on east, five through eight up ahead!" Lindner called out from ahead of the column. Soldiers shuffled around him, heading further into the labyrinth of mud and dirt. "Warriors, follow me. Your team as well Holt. Major Marquardt has arranged for you to be put in one of the bunkers. What's wrong with private Grice?"

"It's his feet, captain. He needs some patching up." Iris replied.

"Alright, hurry then, this way"

The surly man, followed by Lindner led them through the winding maze of narrow dirt corridors until they reached what looked to be a shell proof bunker. The trench curved around the front of the bunker and continued further across on the other side. Through the open side of the bunker, facing towards the enemy line, Reiner could see the barrel of a machine gun protruding. Lindner pulled at the handle of the heavy door leading into the bunker, and motioned for them all to head inside. The major informed Lindner that he would be expecting him in his quarters, and then briskly departed.

The space within was dark and cool. Once his eyes had adjusted to the darkness, Reiner could see folding cots pushed up against the dirt walls. The only natural light inside came from the place where the barrel of the machine gun poked out through a round hole in the side of the steel-enforced wall. Two tables stood lined up to his left, one of which had a map spread across its surface. The chairs, and various other objects serving as chairs, like barrels and absurdly enough an anvil, looked rather mismatched where they lined the sides of the tables. An oil lamp that hung in the middle of the room served as the only other source of light in here.

"I'll return once we have our orders, until then keep close to here so I don't have to search for you." Lindner sidestepped around the silent man on his way out, grimacing ever so slightly as he passed the man by.

"At ease, men." He left.

Reiner dropped his pack atop one of the cots, and set Pi's things down on the cot next to his before he dragged himself over to one of the mismatched chairs. A little huff escaped him as he sat down, watching as Iris knelt before Colt and began to unlace his boots. Colt looked bothered by the proximity, or perhaps was embarrassed to have his feet tended to by a strangely attractive woman. Zeke lit a cigarette and picked one of the more stable chairs to sit on. Reiner did not much care for the smell of cigarette smoke, or the thought of inhaling toxic fumes, but Zeke was his superior so he kept quiet.

"Vinther, fetch some bandages from my pack by the door. And the booze too." Colt's feet were bloody from the open wounds on his heels and toes. He had made no complaints during the day, trudging forward with his head bent. Despite being just a kid he was tough, used to pain. The auburn haired youth lazily made his way over to the door where Iris had let her pack fall to the floor, and began to rummage through it.

"Erh, Corporal, did you mean this smelly old rag?" Reiner turned his head to where Vinther stood, holding a piece of fabric in his hands.

"Let go of that" she walked across the bunker's floor in five long strides and took the green shirt from the boy. "I said bandages you imbecile, are you not a medic?" She quickly folded the dirty old shirt and crouched to put it back in her bag. When she stood back up she held a bottle of rum and some clean, white bandages in her hands. "You were looking through my stuff, don't even try to play coy with me you little shit. Next time I catch you with your paws on my things I'll cut your fingers off and feed them to you." Stiffly she walked over to Colt who had gone completely still.

Reiner found himself grasping onto the edge of the table so hard his knuckles whitened, because he recognized that dirty old rag that she had handled with such care. It had been his once, before he'd seen her wear it. And finally he remembered.

He remembered waking up covered in debris, enveloped inside the hot flesh of the armored titan. He had been disoriented and hurting, remembering nothing of what had transpired. He pieced together that he must have been gravely wounded by something, but he was unable to understand what could have caused such damage to him except for Eren. And Eren would not have left him alive, would he? He had stood, and once the cloud of dust had settled around him he'd seen her on the ground, looking up at him. She'd worn his shirt. Knowing that the plan must have gone awry he had picked her up before seeing Bertholdt heading towards a beaten Eren. They had won, he thought, so he'd made for the horses to make sure the survey corps could not pursue them. He had held her captive in the titan's hand, not knowing how they had ended up here together but feeling like it was destiny knowing on his door. He was meant to succeed, and he was meant to have her.

Then they had hit him with those cursed spears, ripping him from the titan's fleshy hide, and then they had quarreled over whether to kill him right away or not. But once that mad scientist woman had backed off, Iris had leaned in close to him. She had whispered: "Everything will be alright. I will protect you from them, I promise." And then she had told him that she loved him.

He felt little droplets of sweat run down the back of his neck. His head spun, but he felt sure that this was the truth that had finally come back to him. He looked over to where she was nonchalantly crouching before Colt as if she hadn't just threatened to mutilate her subordinate. There was a chance she was not his enemy. There was a chance of – What exactly? He was running out of time, and he dared not think of what she must see when she looked at him now.

He watched her dab Colt's wounds with a piece of gauze drenched in rum with a gentle hand. The boy winced, his foot twitching but he did not cry out. He probably felt that he had something to prove to them all, because he'd been chosen to be the next beast titan. Iris seemed to decide she was done cleaning the wounds, and raised the bottle of rum to her lips, drinking deep. She used to dislike alcohol, perhaps because of what it reminded her of. A little trickle of amber colored liquid ran down the side of her mouth and she swiped it away with the back of her hand. Putting the bottle down she asked Colt to hold one foot out while the wrapped it carefully. Once done she stood, looking around as if only now noticing the repressed mood in the room. Vinther had retreated to the cot in the corner after the telling off he got, and now he looked like someone who'd come to the conclusion he was in the company of some very dangerous people. The others had scattered around, most of them taking the opportunity to sit after having spent so many hours on foot.

"Rum anyone?" She raised the bottle.

Zeke contemplated his cigarette for a moment, letting a long trickle of smoke out from between his parted lips. "I'll have some"

She went to the table, hesitated almost unnoticeably for a moment, and then picked a seat next to Reiner. He tensed as she sat down next to him, noticing the feint smell of citrus coming from her. Her knee brushed against his leg lightly, making his skin tingle. He wondered if she was gauging his reactions to her presence. He tried to imagine this situation from her view, wondering if the first test had been their meeting. She must have been aware he could have betrayed her right away. Yet she had bet her life on that he would not. It was difficult for him to imagine what might be going through her head.

He watched her extend the bottle to Zeke who took it. He complained there were no glasses, but then drank from the bottle. When he tried to hand the bottle back to Iris she made a motion for him to pass it around the table instead. Pi turned the drink down, but Porco helped himself to a long swig. When he seemed in the mind to pass the bottle to Bjergsen however, Iris reacted.

"No booze for the kids, sorry boys." With the threat made to Vinther fresh in their minds, Bjergsen and Colt made no complaints. Instead Porco held the bottle out to Reiner with a begrudging look. He took it, but found himself staring down the neck of the bottle instead, not feeling very tempted by the rich, spicy fumes rising from it.

"Corporal" he said while watching the ripples in the liquid, caused by his shaking hand. "What you said about the people on that island, did you mean it?" He had no idea why he was asking her that. Perhaps he just wanted to talk to her, though he knew she could not answer him earnestly. She looked him in the eye, shocking him with her answer.

"It doesn't matter much if I meant it or not, as long as I said it. Isn't that the way things work in civilized society? I mean, hell, I can't pretend to know what it must be like for you Eldians. You hear the story of the terrible people living on that island, and then people go and bunch you up with that lot saying you belong to the same cursed race. After all you've done for them... or well, for Marley at least, you'd think we'd be grateful, but no. Your grandfathers' grandfathers did a whole lot of bad shit to a whole lot of people who are all dead by now, and that shit matters. But we might forgive you lot, if you terrorize and murder a whole new generation on our orders."

"J-just what are you saying?!" Reiner heard a high pitched voice ask from behind him. Vinther had climbed to his feet, and now stood staring at Iris as if he could not believe his ears. What she had just said could be considered as insubordination, or even treason for speaking critically of the way the nation was led.

"I'm saying that by the time we're done with this war the Eldian race will be more hated than ever before. And if you're thinking of snitching on me, go ahead, try your luck. Or you could sit yourself down and have a drink. Lindner told me you're sixteen, and while I don't condone youths drinking you're legal. What do you say?"

The boy gulped, seemed to consider his options, and then came to the table. Reiner put the bottle to his lips, his mind churning over what she had said, and why she seemed to unafraid despite the position she was in. He drank, felt the liquid burn down his throat, making his eyes water. He closed his eyes, drank enough to know he'd be slightly dizzy in a minute, and then he pushed the bottle over towards Vinther. The other warriors looked rather uneasy with the direction of the conversation.

"Sorry, I realize this is not really something any of you can have an opinion on. It's a great honor to be a chosen warrior, and all that you've done, you've done for your people no doubt. You've got the smell on you, apart from the boys of course." Iris looked to Porco, then Pieck. "You two have less of it than our dear Warchief here." She looked at Reiner, making something inside his chest stir a little, and for a long moment she was quiet. Then she said: "And you, you reek of blood. Was it worth it I wonder?"

"I failed my mission." he replied monotonously.

"Aye, I heard as much. And yet you'd do it all again, wouldn't you?"

His head had begun spinning. Gods, he would do it all again. What other choice would he have, if he found himself back in that same spot? There had never been a choice, not for him.

"Reiner was always the most devoted to our cause, but they were sent in without supplies and without any knowledge of what awaited them there. He did his best, you shouldn't judge him." Pi defended him, and she was right of course. They'd known nothing at all, going to Paradis.

"Oh but I do. We are all responsible here, let's not kid ourselves. I've killed people too, because I chose to, because they were in my way. I think you warriors might not be very different from me. The people in charge decided that some people needed to die, and that someone had to do it. We were the people who had to do it."

"You're wrong, Corporal." Porco's eyes gleamed with defiance. "We were attacked, and we're just defending what's ours. Paradise threatens everyone, we will be the ones to save the world from their evil. And these mid-eastern shit heads attacked us when we were weakened" he threw Reiner a poisonous look. Iris smiled as if his words amused her, but she said nothing.

"Let's not waste our energy when there's still the task at hand" Zeke interjected, shutting the conversation down.

"Don't worry Warchief, have another drink."

The door opened to the bunker, and Lindner stepped inside. He looked them over where they sat, and Reiner thought he looked a little pale. The alcohol had affected him strongly however, and he found it difficult to focus his eyes.

"The order has been given. Get ready." Lindner said, looking at Iris. She nodded her head and climbed to her feet. He felt her hand on his shoulder.

"I'd expect such a large man to hold his drink better, have some water Vice captain Braun." Her grip on his shoulder was soft but steady, and he did not want her to let go. He realized that he had missed her. But she let go, walking across her room to her pack again. Jun, who'd been skulking around in the shadows echoed her movements.

"Holt, there's ten of them, spread out evenly across."

"Alright captain. Unless you fancy watching me change you better go now."

Lindner turned to leave, placing his hand on the handle to the heavy door. Then he paused, hesitated, turned back to Iris. His eyes shone in the light reflected from the lamp, and Reiner thought he looked glassy eyed.

"God speed... Siri."

He left.

Iris and Jun shared a look between them, and began pulling equipment out of their large packs. To Reiner's surprise Iris pulled out two blades, each one about two feet long and resting inside a black sheath. They pulled out a set of uniform clothing, boots, gloves, a hood and lastly something that reminded him of gas masks. Unfazed with the presence of men in the room, Iris stripped down to her underwear. The room fell deathly silent as the flickering light from the lamp fell across her scarred skin, bathing her in a warm red light that accentuated the angry gashes. Reiner felt sure that there were more scars there now than last time he had seen her, on her upper arms and on the back of her thighs, and there was one smaller scar on her shoulder that he could have sworn was from a bullet. She slipped into the black clothing, and he remembered how she'd been uncoordinated and occasionally clumsy when she was younger. The silent man removed his own shirt, reveling a sinewy torso that looked like nothing Reiner had ever seen before. The man's skin was a ruin of scars and burns overlapping each other. One of his nipples looked to have been torn off. He was a one man horror show. Quickly he dressed again and belted himself as Iris laced her boots up. Lastly they equipped themselves with one fine caliber pistol each. The weapons were small and dark. Reiner thought it must be some reconnaissance mission they were being sent out on.

"If I were you I'd take this opportunity to get some rest, warriors. Don't let Vinther drink too much. See you on the other side." Iris offered them all a crooked smile. As she went for the door the pulled the hood over her head, concealing her light blonde hair. She pushed the heavy door open, again displaying a strength he would not expect a woman of her stature to possess. Just as she disappeared out through the door he saw her push the mask down to cover her face. Jun followed her, closing the door behind him.

"They're... they're really doing it" Vinther slurred. He tittered nervously. "I thought those assholes were just full of shit, but they're really doing it. Fuck... I don't think I want to be here no more. I wanna go home" his bottom lip quivered slightly.

"I think you've all had enough of that now" Pi offered mildly, leaning over the table to take the bottle from Vinther. "Bed time, all of you. We don't know when we'll get the chance to sleep again."

"What do you mean they're doing it?" Reiner asked the freckled boy who'd gotten up, reeling slightly as he stood.

"It's just like they said... you'll see" the boy muttered and wobbled over to his cot where he collapsed. He pulled a blanket up to his chin, still fully dressed, and fell asleep immediately. The other two boys traded a look, and headed to their cots as well. Colt still had a slight limp, but he looked a lot better than he'd done earlier. Reiner looked to Porco, then Pi whom both just shrugged as if to say they did not know what Vinther had meant either. Zeke avoided looking at all of them as he went to his cot. He'd been quiet for a long time, which made Reiner suspect he was deep in thought about something. His thoughts never seemed to be meant for anyone else's ears than his own.

He pushed himself up, remembering what Iris had said about water. He asked Pi if she had any, and she did. As he was lying in his cot he found his mind twisting. The alcohol pumped through his system, making his thoughts hazy and slow-moving like in a dream, yet he was still awake. He tried not to think in order to sleep, but his thoughts kept returning to Iris. He felt that her words earlier had been important, that there had been a message in them for him, but he was drunk and could not decipher such things right now. Instead he thought of how she had promised him that she would protect him. He heard her whisper that she loved him, as clearly as if he was there right now. Then he thought of what a great shame it was that it was too late for all of that now. He was running out of time.

Tick tock.


	27. 26

The dawn broke over the mountain tops as they huddled close together in the trenches. The usual chatter amongst the men had quieted, but feet shuffled restlessly and looks were shared between the men. Lindner looked intently at his watch as his index finger tapped the side of it. Next to Reiner, Porco stifled a yawn. Zeke puffed on his morning cigarette, and he saw Pi discretely wrinkle her nose as the draft carried the smoke towards her. All troops had been called to arms, so here they all stood, armed and ready for the officers to give the advancement order. The warriors had been instructed not to summon their titans, but to just pack up and stand with the rest. It felt strange to him, standing here. He had not fought outside of his titan form in such a long time that even the thought of aiming a gun at someone and pulling the trigger felt alien. He could not remember if he had ever done that, killed someone in that manner. He'd always been a lousy shot, no matter how much he practiced.

Lindner ceased his tapping, took two long strides over to one of the ladders, and slowly climbed up. As he reached the top he stopped, hesitating for a moment before poking his head up to peer over the edge. The breeze whispered through the narrow corridors of dirt, and the very trench sighed quietly. Then everything went quiet again. Lindner made a decision, continuing his climb upwards. He stood right at the edge, and without a single look behind him he raised his arm high in the air.

"All troops, advance!"

There was a low murmur, and at first no one moved. Then, as if the consequences of disobedience had just struck them, everyone started moving at the same time. Comrades pushed their fellow men out of the way to scramble up the ladders like ants converging to attack a beetle threatening their existence. Reiner let Pi and Colt climb up before him before he followed. Perhaps he ought to be afraid. Advancing on foot, unprotected by his armored titan, he could be shot and killed. But he only felt bewildered. There had been soldiers on the other side of the sea of barbed wire that soldiers liked to call 'No man's land', yet now it all seemed quiet and abandoned. They would never have abandoned their posts and let the enemy have the pass. But where were the bullets whistling by, and the 'thunk' of metal burying itself in warm flesh?

They advanced with their weapons raised, zig zagging between rows of barbed wire and stepping over the fallen. The dead had begun to rot, but looked dry and shrunken after having been cooked under the scorching sun. Reiner tried not to look at them. He already knew that a lot of them were his own people, the rest being the enemy, but friend or foe did not matter much to him. He'd seen death, so much of it he had grown numb to it. The dead were nothing anymore, just husks, and what they'd been before that would soon be forgotten in the passing of time. When he looked at them and found that he did not care for them he had to ask himself what he'd become. He had broken the gate to the outer wall at Paradis and caused the death of thousands of people, but they were the root of all evil and mattered little to him. He had caused the death of several people within the walls who'd trusted him, telling himself that any sympathy he felt for those people was weakness needing to be burnt away. Now that his own people were dying around him he felt nothing for them. All he cared about was himself. Perhaps it had always been that way? His wishes, his wants, his ambitions, they had always been what mattered most. He'd disguised it to himself as a sense of duty, but he had served himself at all times. He knew what he would call someone like that. A monster.

He halted at the precipice, looking down into the darkness below. He lowered his gun and focused his eyes in an attempt to comprehend what he saw down there. A young soldier sat with his back leaned against the side of the muddy wall. He had his hands folded on his lap, and his gun rested on the ground next to him. His throat had been slashed open so savagely his head hung lopsided, and his empty eyes stared up at the sky above. But he had not thrashed as he bled out, rather, he looked like he might have passed in his sleep. His friend sat next to him only a couple of feet away, leaning against a pile of sand bags. Yet another couple of feet away the third body lay face first on the ground, his blood staining the soil underneath him black. Reiner let his eyes sweep the trench, quickly losing count. They were everywhere.

He climbed down the ladder and felt his stomach tie itself in knots as the smell of death enveloped him. Zeke stood bent over one of the bodies, humming knowingly to himself. Lindner emerged through the doorway of the bunker to their left. He held a handkerchief pressed against his nose and his mouth, but otherwise seemed unfazed with the state of the enemy troops. Trailing close behind him was the gangly Muntz. Stopping beside the warrior unit, he threw a quick glance at the young man Zeke had been inspecting.

"Gentlemen, miss Pieck, the pass is ours. We ought to burn the dead I suppose, but we can't risk them seeing the smoke over in Maraan." He turned around and stood to attention and saluted Major Marquardt. The major did not spare one look at the dead, but seemed rather eager to speak with Lindner.

"If I didn't see this with my own eyes I wouldn't believe it. Quite frankly I took you for a crackpot, Captain Lindner, but this –" he made a sweeping motion, momentarily at a loss for words. "While I regret that we have to rely on freaks and monsters, this is good for us. We can establish a supply line into enemy territory, all thanks to you Lindner. General Calvi will hear of this, I'll make sure of it. Collect your men and pull out, we must take Maraan within a day or we will lose the element of surprise."

"What about the dead?"

The major spat on the ground next to the body of the young man. "Leave them to rot."

The order seemed to displease Lindner, but the emotion showing on his face was disguised so quickly Reiner could not be sure he ever saw it there in the first place. They saluted the major before he exited the trench, heading back the way they had just come, and let Lindner lead them further behind enemy lines. On the way he shouted orders to the groups of men they passed. The machine guns were to be dismantled and readied for transport, and any supplies they could gather would be brought along.

"Are they all dead?" Colt wondered aloud, taking care to avoid the corpses as if he feared they would awaken and reach for him.

"I'd be surprised if they were not, private Grice" Lindner replied.

"How? I mean..."

"I have no idea. Perhaps it's better not knowing."

"But-"

"Enough about this." He picked up the pace.

Reiner tried to understand how anyone could have done this, and failed. No panic spreading, no alarm sounding, no gunfire. They passed through one of the bunkers, and inside men were still lying in their cots. He would have mistaken them for being asleep if it had not been for the open gashes across their throats. No one had gotten up to fight back their assailants.

Back outside they made a sharp turn, and began climbing the hill leading out of the trenches. He saw her as they reached the top. She had removed the mask and hood, and her long blonde hair whipped around her face as the wind caught it. The two boys on her team were waiting next to her and Jun. Bjergsen had insisted that they bring the gear and the packs the duo had left behind last night, and despite his grumbling, Vinther had picked up the silent man's pack and carried it with him. Reiner remembered what Vinther had said on the night before, and he thought that he could see fear written across the boy's features as he glanced towards Iris. She gathered her hair in her hands and tied it back as they approached. Their eyes met, and he wondered to himself if she truly could have done this. The thought made him feel cold. He told himself that had to be some trick of the other one, the snake. He stood by her elbow, still masked. The face of the mask had big, dark eyes allowing it's wearer to see, but it lacked all other human features. Jun removed the mask, pulling the hood off along with it, and Reiner found little improvement in the man's appearance. He wondered what this man had done to Iris. She must feel indebted to him, eager to pay him back for helping her.

"Are we good to ambush Maraan, Holt?" Lindner inquired of her.

"You mean, did we let anyone get away?" She looked down at the ground. "No one got away, cap."

"Good job. Major Marquardt will make sure General Calvi hears of what we've done here."

"They will probably give you a medal."

"Probably... You as well, and Jun."

"They can keep them for all I care."

"Do not tell them that. If we get called to an award ceremony I expect you to be on your best behavior."

"Don't worry Alfred, I'll play along."

"You will. Muntz, spread the word further. We are moving towards Maraan. Warriors, we will need you to take the city." Lindner produced a folded map from his front pocket. He unfolded it and turned to the silent man. "Jun, I need you to do recon. Get close, scout for heavy artillery. The rendezvous point is here, find us and relay your findings to Holt. Go now."

The man did not move. He studied the map for a moment, and then looked to Iris.

"Go, let me know what you see." The man nodded, picked his pack up, turned, and started running. The terrain beyond the pass was uneven. Large rocks sticking out of the earth formed hills and drops, and vegetation sprouted from crevices, flourishing wherever the stone provided some shade. "Be careful" Iris added quietly, but the man would be too far away to hear her.

"He's useful, but I feel better when he's not around." Lindner murmured.

They waited for the troops to assemble, and while doing so Reiner took a good look at Iris. The sleeves of her black jacket were stiff with dried blood, but she did not have a scratch on her. She sat on her pack on the ground, yawned, stretched. The question of how they had done this was begging to be asked, but judging from Lindner's reaction to Colt's questions Reiner doubted that she would give them any straight answers. He thought of the shirt, dirty and frayed from use, that she had put away as if it was a treasure needing to be guarded, and he felt sad. She gave him a searching look, and he wondered if she could see the grief on his face.

"Nice little trick you used here, Corporal." Zeke said casually, just as the silence was beginning to feel unbearable.

"Thank you, although I'll admit I'm only the apprentice."

"The apprentice of what, though?" He began rolling another cigarette. Reiner had begun to wonder if the increase in smoking was due to stress, or if it was simply the only luxury that Zeke afforded himself.

"Oh I don't know much of it if I'm honest. Jun knows, but he'll never tell me now, will he."

"Is he a mute?"

"No, he had a voice once. A high pitched, beautiful boy voice I imagine. Until they poured the acid down his throat."

No one spoke for several moments.

"Why the hell would someone do that?" Porco's arms were crossed over his chest.

"I don't know. Perhaps all of them are like Jun, or he was unfortunate enough to have a particularly paranoid master."

"But he signs, doesn't he?" Zeke's cigarette had hung from the side of his mouth, temporarily forgotten, but now he lit it.

"Not in any language I, or anyone I've come across know. I've tried to teach him to sign in our language, but he won't take to it. Same with writing, he refuses to learn. Perhaps he knows all of it, playing me for the fool. Might be some secrets are just too great, or too shameful to share with anyone... I mean I can only imagine what someone would want to use a boy slave for, when not using him as a weapon in your own private army that is."

"Perhaps you just haven't met anyone who speaks his native language. Where's he from?"

"What's it to you Warchief? He'll never be of use to you, unless you charm me onto your lap. Either way, I've got no idea where he's from. I've asked, and he shows me this sign, the only one he's ever made in our tongue." She held her hands up, letting the tips of her fingers cross, the sign covering her mouth. "It means 'silence'. His name too, he showed me this. After a while I stopped asking."

"How curious, very intriguing."

"I think most people would find it in poor taste to put it that way" she said lightly.

"Do you mind?"

"Nah, I suppose you're right. You know you really ought to quit smoking, that shit's gonna kill you" she grinned crookedly. The corner of Zeke's lip curled slightly, but someone who had not paid close attention to the man's face might have guessed the joke went over his head.

As Lindner showed up ordering them to move out, Iris fell in beside Reiner. Her company felt familiar, yet he felt pathetic for craving it. She spun some story of how she was a bastard born in one of the Marleyan colonies to the other warriors, while he found himself remembering the smell of her hair, and how his nerve endings had tingled when he'd felt her lips against his. In his mind he constructed a theoretical scenario in which he found himself alone with her. He imagined bending over to kiss her, and for a moment the fantasy tasted sweetly. But then the thought that they were enemies crept in, and he was forced to remember what he had done to her. He imagined her face twisting with disgust, felt how the rejection would wound him. Then he thought that only a pathetic person would think that way, and at once he felt dirty. A true patriot would have betrayed her again, a good son would never have failed in the first place.

"You're awfully gloomy"

He shuddered at the sound of her voice directed at him, as if she'd had an inkling of what was going through his mind.

"I'm thinking about the battle ahead of us."

"Don't worry, if they have anything there capable of piercing your titans armor Lindner will send in teams to neutralize them first."

"I wasn't worrying about that. Those teams neutralizing anti-titan artillery, will your team be one of them, even though your trick won't work in that setting?" If he'd wanted a reaction from her, he got it. Her eyebrows shot up, and her mouth formed a little 'o' in surprise.

"How could you know that?"

"I didn't, but your reaction confirmed I'm right."

"Sly bastard" she replied, but her tone of voice, and the curl of her lips made the comment sound almost flirtatious. He wondered if he'd really made her reveal something she had not intended to share, or if she'd offered it up to him.

"Will they go too?" he nodded to the two teenagers plodding along a few feet away, keeping their heads down as they moved from one sheltered point to another in an attempt to avoid detection.

"Yes, unfortunately they must. But I'll be in front. I'll get them through."

"You're kind" He would have wanted to urge her to not play the hero, to just get through unscathed any way she could. But he could not. The others could hear, and think it strange that he would speak so freely to a Marley corporal, almost as if he cared about her. Though the real reason he could not is because he was afraid of this lingering attachment he felt for her. Nothing good could come from it.

"Tell them that" She put her thumb up, pointing back the way they came. "I guess I thought myself kind once... perhaps I was. At which point must we ask ourselves whether it's still possible to be kind, I wonder." Her eyes looked into the distance without really seeing the slab of rock they were presently huddled behind. Then she blinked, looked at him, and grinned wolfishly. "Besides, I'll have you and your pals to hide behind once things get hot, so I figure my chances are pretty good today." The smile made little wrinkles form at the corners of her eyes, and despite the dirt on her face and the sweaty strands of hair hanging across her forehead, she was pretty. He had felt special when she had chosen him to confide in back when they were kids, _chosen_, by a girl who kept people at bay. She watched his reaction closely, and he did his best to conceal the fact that his pulse had increased considerably.

Their proximity ended when they joined back up with Jun, who'd been waiting for them at the assigned rendezvous point. Immediately Iris slipped away from him, and went to her companion's side. Reiner looked into the black eyes of the foreign looking man, and felt the resentment towards him bubble within. There was no way that snake had sided with Iris out of the goodness of his heart, he must want something from her. Or he wanted her. In his head he saw them entwined, heard Iris moan as the ragged man was on top of her, pushing himself inside her. The scar on his upper lip twisted his smile into a vicious snarl as she writhed underneath him. Reiner felt his jaw crunch, and realized he'd been grinding his teeth. He felt someone nudge his elbow very lightly, and found Colt looking at him with worry in his eyes. He must have let his thoughts shine through. Shit, he was slipping. Better pull himself together. He felt tired, but Lindner was laying out the strategy for the assault on the city, and he better listen.

Four team leaders were assigned a position in which they were to quickly take out the anti-titan heavy artillery. The things were massive and could not be moved with haste, making them easy targets. Reiner, Zeke and Porco would be positioned out of the artillery range, causing a distraction and taking out any other troops and artillery in their way. When an anti-titan cannon was neutralized a flare would be fired, and as soon as they were all out of commission the warriors would converge and destroy the enemy troops. Pi was charged with blocking the major roads leading out of the city. The fewer enemies who escaped with their lives, the better. They would have to take care not to level the buildings, because Lindner planned on sending teams through them to smoke out any enemies hiding within. One of Zeke's primary moves was to throw massive chunks of rocks at the enemy troops and buildings, so he was less than enthused with the battle plan. He did a good job of hiding it, but Reiner could still see it written on his face. No doubt Pi, Porco and Colt could see it too. Colt was to be sent in with the ground troops, and Iris was quick to ask him if he wanted to join her fire team seeing as they were one person short of the standard formation of five. Reiner thought that with Colt on her team Zeke was less likely to accidentally bombard buildings until the point where they collapsed, and he found himself comforted by that thought.

They had sought cover in the hills, but as the hour of the attack drew near the anti-titan target teams readied themselves. Despite the cover provided by the warrior unit, their mission would be dangerous, and losses were figured to be inevitable. Reiner found himself walking through the crowd searching for Iris. He noticed the two boys huddled together with Colt. All three of them seemed too absorbed with their own thoughts to speak to one another. Colt stared at the mountains in the distance while the Bjergsen kid fidgeted. Vinther was keeping up a tough exterior, but his hands shook as he kept looking through his medical supplies.

"Have any of you seen Corporal Holt?"

Bjergsen shook his head, and so did Colt. Vinther laughed a little bitterly.

"Perhaps she ran off eh, her and him. Good riddance... how the fuck am I ever supposed to sleep with them around? I mean I saw the titans on the battlefield and I thought that it must be the worst thing in the world, we don't need more freaks of nature. What if it's contagious, whatever it is that's wrong with them... the worst thing is... I think I might find out one day." He kept trying to count his rolls of gauze, losing count and starting over.

"Stop talking like that in front of Colt and Mr. Braun, Jannik" Bjergsen said quietly.

Reiner wanted to see her one last time before he had to go. He thought of what it would be like to find her in the ruins of the city, dotted with holes where bullets had perforated her. He'd hold her, and listen to the stillness of her missing heartbeat. She would leave behind so many questions that would go unanswered. Most of all he would think about how she could have let him go, by all rights should have done so. He thought of saying goodbye to her one final time, knowing there would never be another moment for them together. This feeling he carried now, was that how she had felt when he left her behind?

The sound of footsteps behind him made him turn around. Iris's step had a suggestive swagger to it as she strode towards him. She had changed back into the muted standard uniform, and her swords must have been put away. Like a loyal dog Jun trailed behind her, and his face was as impassive as it had ever been. The mental image of them together threatened to infect his thoughts again, but he pushed it away. Because this might be the last time he got to speak with her.

"Mr. Braun, are you all set to go?" Her eyes were shrouded in a haze of dark eyelashes as she peered at him.

"I am. I wanted to... wish you good luck."

"Thanks, I think I might need it." Perhaps it was his imagination, but he thought he heard a silent plea hidden within her words. He still felt rattled by the stir of emotion he'd felt, which might be why he decided to go on out a limb for her.

"If you find yourself in trouble, try to get close to me. My titan can shield you."

"Marley's loyal shield, is that how you'd like to be remembered?"

"If I may be honest" he began, looking at the dirt beneath his feet. "I don't think I'll be remembered at all."

"You've got a lot of people counting on you. They'll remember. If I make it through I will remember you too. You obviously set out hoping to make people love you, and respect you. At which point did you start hating yourself I wonder? A pity. There can be no love, without self."

"You don't know anything about me" He hated how her words crept underneath his skin, and he hated that she presumed to understand him, as if his feelings towards the things he had done were simple, little things. Her blue eyes were cool and reserved when she stared him down.

"I guess not. Must have mistaken you for someone else." She turned away from him, calling out to the boys waiting a few yards away. "Grice, Vinther, Bjergsen, get your asses here. We're leaving!" Then she stormed off.

He immediately regretted his words when she left, but he could not have taken them back if he had wanted to. He watched her back as her figure shrunk into the distance, ponytail flipping underneath the protective helmet she wore. They crouched down low, advancing quickly but with caution. The teams ventured beyond one of the ridges, and disappeared from his view. With regret he mused over the possibility of his last words to her being harsh ones. Her face had shown nothing, yet he knew that he had wounded either her pride, or her feelings. Call it intuition, or whatever else one might want to explain it with, but he could _feel_ it in the pit of his stomach. He had hurt her. Again. Damn it, if she could just stop being so vague and passive aggressive. He had just wanted to be nice to her, but she had attacked him... or, at least that's what it had felt like. She had been right though, about him, about what he had wanted, and about what he had gotten. A pity, she had called it. Did she find him pitiful now? Or, possibly, it hadn't been meant as criticism at all... perhaps she just wanted to let him know she understood him. She could have been less offensive about it, but then, she might not be as tough as she looked. It could be a brave act put on by a girl who had gone too far, gotten in over her head, and realized she stood at the brink of losing everything.

Zeke was polishing his glasses. The Mauser bolt-action rifle slung across his shoulders looked out of place, but Reiner knew him well enough to know it was not. Zeke was the most ruthless man he had ever known when it came to succeeding in his mission. Whether it was his iron will or something else that did it, he was the strongest out of them all.

"Reiner, get ready" he said. Reiner nodded, and shouldered his weapon. If something went wrong and he was forced to abandon his titan, a weapon was a good thing to have.

"Miss Pieck, wait for your comrades to engage the enemy before you move in. Warchief Yeager, cover Vice Captain Braun and Mr. Galliard. Keep the enemies eyes on you until you see the signal, when you do, crush the enemy troops. We will be right behind you. God speed." Lindner ordered them, stony faced and straight backed. Reiner wondered if there was a god, and if so, would he be watching?

Some soldiers speak of battle frenzy, but to Reiner it felt more like claustrophobia. He'd thundered through buildings, feeling brick and stone shatter from the force of his hardened hide. The enemy had not seemed prepared for their assault, and they had been overtaken before they had time to form a unified front. When they realized they were losing, many dropped their weapons and started running. Some officers had the presence of mind to shoot their fleeing men, but most had let them go.

Surviving enemy troops were rounded up and brought to the plaza on the eastern side of city central. The buildings in this part of the world looked strange and foreign with its terraced roofs and domes in brightly colored tiles. Religious symbols that he was unfamiliar with decorated many of the richly ornamented larger buildings. The sun felt hot against his hair and his skin, and his chin and cheeks itched slightly where his stubble was growing back in. The warrior unit was placed in full view of the prisoners herded into the center of the plaza, told to relax in the shade of one of the buildings. It was an intimidation tactic, he felt sure. With growing anxiety he searched for a glimpse of her in the masses of unwashed soldiers. Most people's faces where white with the dust from the buildings that he and Zeke had accidentally pulverized as they fought. He could not stand still, but paced back and forth. All the cannons had been dealt with successfully, so he figured there was a good chance she had made it through. But his stomach was tied in knots anyway.

Major Marquardt rolled into town in a jeep a couple of hours after they had radioed HQ to report that Maraan had been taken. He left Lindner in charge of the hostages, and started the arrangements for the occupation of the city. Tents would be raised outside of town, a clinic was to be established, and they needed to find buildings suitable for storage. Lindner came their way, eyeing them wearily.

"Do any of you speak their tongue? I need help identifying their officers."

"Colt does, but I haven't seen him since before the battle" Pi offered.

"He was with Corporal Holt's team. I haven't seen any of them." Reiner tried not to let his tone of voice reveal his state of mind. As he was speaking he felt the sweat run down his back in a little trail. He must smell like a cheese factory by now.

"Oh" Lindner looked relieved. "We found some transcripts of the enemy's correspondence in one of the buildings; I put them there hoping Frank's son might crack their encryption. It appears private Bjergsen is some kind of genius, the one who wrote the Valkyrie code. Young Grice is with them. You may rest, eat, whatever you wish. You've done your duty here."

He felt his muscles relax, and at once he was very tired. He went to a well at the side of the plaza to fill his waterskin, before he lounged in the shadows next to Pieck. She gave him an enigmatic little smile that let him know she was keeping an eye on him. He did not enjoy the feeling of being watched very much, especially not by her. He figured though, that Pi preferred to focus on him rather than deal with her feelings towards Zeke. She had always looked up to their Warchief, perhaps even harbored a crush on him from when they were kids. Reiner could not say really, he had never focused much attention on any of the other warrior candidates, or their motivations for enrolling in the program. But he knew from the way Pi talked to Zeke that she must feel an attachment towards him. The whole matter was probably complicated by the fact that Pi was bright enough to see what Zeke really was. He had proved that to him some things mattered more than family, friends, attachments... It had been better for Pi's sake if she had preferred Porco.

Colt showed up walking next to Lindner. They stopped by the prisoners who had been forced to crouch down with their hands placed against the back of their heads. They must be weak, aching and impossibly thirsty by now. It was rather cruel to put them out in the sun like that, Reiner thought. Then he spotted Iris. She was incredibly filthy, her hair was in disarray, but she looked strong and whole. She made a quick pause next to Lindner, traded a few words with him, and then came their way. She carefully avoided looking Reiner in the eye as she stood before them.

"Galliard, is your titan any good for digging?"

"Digging for what?" He wrinkled his nose.

"I need a hole, twenty foot long and ten foot wide."

"How long do you have? I can dig sure, but claws aren't a quick way to dig."

"I'll need you too then, Vice Captain." The look she gave him was reproachful. "Come with me."

They walked five blocks east from the plaza, climbing upwards ever so slightly. Where the rows upon rows of buildings abruptly ended there was a large, open patch of earth by the foot of the mountain. Off to the other side there was a steep, stony hill leading down towards the jagged rocks far below.

"Dig here. I need the depth to be around six feet. You have an hour." She stepped away to allow them room to transform.

As the smoke cleared and he saw through his titan's eyes, Reiner turned and found Iris still there, watching them. He turned around and started digging. None of their titans could speak, but he was so used to working with Porco that they did not really need words to communicate. His hardened fingers shoveled a lot of dirt out of the way in a single stroke but the jaw titan was quicker, resembling a weasel, or a rabbit as it was furiously digging. They finished the work in forty seven minutes, and once he'd climbed out of the steaming hide of his titan he found himself staring over the edge into the hole.

"Braun!" Porco called, sounding annoyed. He was tapping his foot. Iris stood next to him, waiting.

"Good job. Let's get you two back to your Warchief now, or he might think I'm attempting to steal you from him." Her tone was humorous, but her voice wavered ever so slightly. Immediately he felt sure that her light heartedness was feigned. They followed her back in silence, and not once did she look at him. Back at the plaza he sat down on a crate left beside a doorway. Colt joined him a moment later.

"What did Lindner want with you?" he asked the boy who shrugged.

"He wanted to identify all ranking officers. They were taken somewhere else. I think they want to... question them."

"Marley needs to know what the enemy is plotting, it can help end this war more quickly." Reiner replied sternly, knowing full well how prisoners were interrogated in war times.

"Y-yes, of course. It is for the good of the nation." The boy hurried to say.

Iris had been rounding up soldiers, and Reiner counted there was fifteen of them now, including Jun, who had gathered by the group of prisoners. She spoke quietly to her men who listened with their heads bowed. Lindner stepped in, and the two of them looked to be having a heated exchange of words. He tried and failed to hear what was being said between them, but Iris finally pressed her mouth together solemnly, and bowed her head to Lindner. The captain then left, heading in the direction that Major Marquardt had gone a few hours prior.

"What's going on?" Colt asked him, but he shook his head at the boy.

"I have no idea." He looked to his left, over to where Zeke, Porco and Pi were relaxing. The Warchief was watching Iris while puffing on a cigarette, clearly interested in whatever was going on.

The men Iris was with singled out prisoners, kicking them while screaming one of the very few words Reiner knew of their language. "Up! Up!" they shouted, kicking at the helpless men on the ground with their heavy boots. The prisoners raised their hands to their faces, trying to shield themselves from the abuse as they staggered to their feet. Iris looked on silently, but made no attempt to stop the brusque handling of the captured troops. Reiner noted that Jun grabbed a man, pulling him to his feet by his collar, but he did nothing else to harass the man. The little group of soldiers started moving, following behind Iris as she started to lead them up the long slope.

Reiner's and Porco's eyes met, and they got up in unison. Reiner started following after the group, and noticed that the others had fallen in behind him. Bjergsen and Vinther had appeared from somewhere, and were walking next to Colt. They all looked bewildered. Zeke's nonchalant posture and movements signaled lazy interest, but his eyes glimmered with quiet curiosity. The cigarette pinched between his fingers was still lit. Reiner felt his heart rate increase as they climbed upwards. It was a slow trek; the prisoners stumbled over their own feet, urged on by kicks, and the barrels of the soldier's rifles pressed against their backs. He did not like this one bit, something about it felt wrong. Iris's face was a stony mask as she turned her head and noticed them following.

They reached the top of the hill, the place where the mountain cast its long shade in the light from the setting sun. "Spread out!" Iris called to the men, and as they began pushing the prisoners forward, spreading them between the men, Reiner understood what was happening.

"Corporal Holt" he called out to her. "Stop, wait!" He scrambled towards her, holding his hands out to her. She turned to him, but with the sun in his eyes he found it difficult to see the features of her face.

"Stand down, Vice Captain Braun." She turned away from him, walking forward to the edge of the hole they had dug, to where the soldiers were stood with the prisoners. "I said spread out!" she barked again, grabbing a man by the shoulder and pushing him forward so he stumbled to his knees on the ground.

"Holt!" Reiner called, frantically. He took another few steps towards her, hearing the hammering of his own heart in his ears. "Who gave the order?! This must be a mistake, it's not too late to-"

"I said, stand down Mr. Braun. This is none of your concern. Get yourself over there, shut the fuck up, and let me do what I must." He could hear from her tone of voice that her eyes must be flashing with anger. He backed off, but every fiber of his being screamed against what he was seeing play out before his eyes. "Siri!" he called out, knowing it was futile. She gave him one last look, and as she turned away he heard himself whisper "No..." under his breath. He hoped it had been too low for anyone else to hear.

Iris turned to the man at her feet. He was crawling in the dust, reaching his hands up to her. His voice rasped incomprehensible words in a pleading tone. He touched her knee, and she grabbed his hand, gently, removing it from her body. The man looked relieved. She straightened.

"Take aim!" Iris called. Reiner did not want to see this, he felt ill, but he could not look away. She looked at the kneeling soldier, holding the barrel of her Mauser pointed towards the ground beside him. She said something, two words in their tongue that Reiner did not understand. The man looked uncomprehending for a moment, and then his eyes widened with fear.

"Fire!" she called out, raised her weapon, and pulled the trigger. Reiner looked away. His eyes fell on the faces of the three young teenage boys who seemed too shocked to move. Philip Bjergsen's bottom lip trembled, and tears began to spill from his eyes, rolling down his cheeks.

"Out of curiosity, Colt, what did the corporal say to the man?" Zeke asked flatly.

Colt's light blue eyes slowly moved to Zeke. It was as if he had forgotten how to blink. He cleared his throat once, twice. "Forgive me."

"Is that all?"

"Yes."

"What an odd thing to say" Zeke mused. Behind him Reiner could hear Iris call for another group to be brought up. He felt a slight chill creep up his spine as he remembered the last two words he had spoken to her in Shiganshina. _"Forgive me"_

"This is..." Pi murmured, and then put her hand across her mouth as if to withhold the words she was about to speak.

"What of it, Pieck?" Zeke raised the cigarette to his lips, and a moment later a long line of smoke trailed out of his mouth. "They are our enemy. We're taking away their reinforcements, that is all."

Tasting bile in his mouth, Reiner took the crying boy by the shoulder and began leading him away from there.

"Wipe your tears. You don't want to know what soldiers do to sissies out here" he mumbled to the boy who wiped his face with his sleeves. Bjergsen staggered two steps, doubled over and threw up a few mouthfuls of water onto the ground. Then he succumbed to another fit of sobbing, all the while keeping his face turned to the ground. Reiner waited, disturbed and uncomfortable.

"I was- was supposed to... to have" he whimpered, and Reiner understood what he was supposed to have done.

"You should have stayed away when you had the chance, kid."

"I thought... I mean, it just sounded unreal. The people at home, they don't know about this, do they? This is wrong." He looked up at Reiner, and his eyes were open so wide he feared they might pop out of his skull. He slapped the boy, hard.

"Are you slandering our great nation?! What do you think your mother would say if she learned that her son had been executed for treason?"

The Bjergsen boy used his sleeve to stifle the flow of blood from his cracked lip, but he did not cry out, and his tears dried on his cheeks. He did not say another word for several hours.

She staggered up to their campfire hours later, drunk to boot, swinging a bottle of unknown contents from her left hand. She sat down, missing the dried log she had aimed for, and thudded to the ground. It would probably have hurt, but she was too inebriated to notice. Instead she just sat there on the ground, brooding as she stared into the flames. Jun crept out from the darkness a moment later, and he seated himself on the log she had aimed for. The gravel didn't even crunch underneath the man's boots when he moved. It was as if whoever had silenced his voice had taken away the sound of his footfalls, the wheeze of his breath, even the rustle of fabric from the clothes he wore. Jun reached down to the bottle Iris held, and took it from her. She sighed heavily.

"Corporal" Bjergsen, sitting close by Reiner, squeaked. Iris's head snapped up, as if she hadn't really noticed anyone else was here. Her eyes were misty from the drink.

"I'm sorry" the boy continued. "I'm sorry I couldn't... you could have had me reported."

"You saw?" she slurred. When he nodded her face contorted in a pained expression. "Come here." she held a hand out, pointing to the ground right before her. He stepped there, a look of uncertainty plastered across his face. She threw her hands up, too quickly for him to react, and took his right hand in hers. She closed her eyes, and leaned forward, placing her forehead against their adjoined hands.

"What you will not do, someone else must. But you can only cross that line once. If you do, you will never be the same. It can never be erased, never forgotten." Her words came out choked, low. She let the boy's hand go. "Sit."

He sat down on the ground in the spot between her, and the crate that Porco had seated himself on. She raised her hand, swiping at the bottle that Jun still held in his hands. He had taken a drink from it, but now he moved it away from her, firmly placing it on the ground to his right. Then he slid down off the log, and sat cross legged on her other side. She pursed her lips, but seemed to let it go a second later.

"Jun" she murmured and leaned against him, placing her head on his shoulder. "If I die, burn my body. Or leave me out for the crows. Don't... put me in the ground where it's cold and dark." The silent man bowed his head in agreeance, which was probably as close to a vow as you got with him. She looked relieved.

"I have killed so many" her eyes were lost in the fire again. "At first I did it to protect my friends, the people I loved. Then I killed to punish my enemies... and now, now I just can't seem to stop. Perhaps this is all I'm meant to be."

The man held his hands up, forming the sign that Iris had showed them earlier that morning. It felt strange to think that merely hours had passed since then. Reiner remembered that she had said the sign meant 'silence'.

"Yes" she agreed with her comrade. "But what does it mean?" Reiner noted that she often spoke to him as if expecting a reply of some sort. Of course, she didn't get one this time either. She closed her eyes, and he thought she might have fallen asleep. Her badly disguised anguish pained him, and he wished he could comfort her, but at the same time he could not wipe the sight of her doing what she had done from his mind. She was a stranger to him now, wearing the face of someone he thought he'd known. There was even a little part of him that insisted that she was not to be trusted, that she was dangerous. He blinked slowly, and was startled to find her dark blue eyes fixed on him.

"I was given an order" she slurred. "No way to refuse, don't you see? There's a whole line of them behind me, waiting to take my place the moment I crumble. Wolves, wearing skinsuits. Fuck them all..." She spat on the ground. He thought he could understand her then, so he nodded. He wanted to amend whatever offense he'd done to her earlier that day.

"I misspoke earlier, Corporal Holt. I hope you can forgive me." There it was again, that plea.

"I want to forget, but no matter how much hooch I drink I still remember... got any remedy for that?" she muttered, and her eyes were full of fire.

"There is none"

"Ouch, but I guess it was stupid of me to think a warrior might be an optimist" she sneered. She turned her face up at Jun. "If you're not going to give me anything more to drink, you could at least drag me to my tent. I'm not sure I can walk on my own. Fucking horsepiss they make here."

Jun pushed her back up to sitting position, then he rose and pulled her up by the arm. Putting his arm around her waist, and her arm around his neck, he started walking her away from the fire. She looked behind her.

"I'm sorry Bjergsen" she called out. Neither her, nor he seemed to know exactly what it was she was sorry for.

"It's alright" he replied, and his big, blue, troubled eyes followed her as she was walked off.

Reiner did not like to see her being dragged off by that man, but he had to try and accustom himself to the thought that perhaps this Jun character was looking after her, whatever their relationship might be. He had not been cruel to the man he'd pulled up, but neither had he thought twice about shooting someone execution style. The fact that she needed allies like that made it clear to him the kind of peril she must have been in. He sat by the fire, lulled into drowsiness by the crackling of the flames, the few sips of anise flavored firewater, and the comfort of his own memories. Without knowing how much time had passed since Iris had left, he decided it was time for him to sleep, so he rose to his feet, and bid the others a good night. He noted how quiet Colt had been all evening, but he did not figure himself to be the one to talk to the boy. They were not close, and he was a terrible authority figure, so he just nodded to the boy and walked off towards his tent. The luxuries of sleeping in occupied territory included the warmth of a fire, and a small but private tent to call his own.

He awoke, breathing hard. At first, he wondered what had awakened him. He lay still underneath the blankets he'd been given, for once feeling rather comfortable. He heard nothing. How long had he been asleep? It was still completely dark, and he could not hear a single voice coming from anywhere outside. His eyes searched his small tent, but he could not see anything. He felt the hairs rise on the back of his neck, because though he could not see or hear anyone, he felt like there was someone else inside with him. His skin prickled as he imagined someone standing by his feet, looking at him. His heart rate increased, and he racked his brain for a memory of where he had put his weapon. He had left it lying on the ground on the other side of the tent. He thought of reaching out to grab it, but imagined his hand finding something else instead. Cold sweat broke on his brow as he tried to rein in his galloping imagination. He tried to tell himself he was imagining things. There was no one here but him. Then he heard someone, or something move, and he went icy cold inside.

A hand was placed over his mouth.

"Ssh" he heard someone whisper, and then he could smell the alcohol on her breath. Its pungent smell mixed with her familiar scent of citrus, and something else he could not define. For a moment he was not at all comforted to know it was her presence he had felt. For a moment he wondered why he hadn't heard her come in, or why he hadn't heard the sound of her breath in the darkness. As if paralyzed, he felt her remove her hand from his mouth, felt her slip it underneath his blankets to touch his chest. Her fingers lightly brushed against his skin, sending little shivers up his spine. He felt the gooseprickles form on his flesh from the touch of her warm hand. She ran her fingers along the line of his throat, and for one exhilarating moment he thought her fingers might wrap around his neck. But instead he felt her lean forward, and then she pressed her lips against his. He tasted the alcohol, but there was something else there as well. He returned the kiss, feeling his fright and his shame intermix with something else, something hot. His chest ached, as if she was breathing liquid fire into his lungs. He felt his eyes sting, but he wanted more of this, desperate for more of her. Her hand travelled down his naked torso, tracing the outline of his abdominal muscles, which were a lot less defined than they used to be. He wanted to pull away from her, feeling acutely aware of his physical decay, but no one had touched him like this in so long. He craved it. Her hand brushed down the side of his leg, and at once he felt afraid. He wondered what she wanted, and immediately after he worried that she would touch him, want him, but that he would not be able to... to... The tears burned against the back of his eyes, and he felt his throat tighten. He felt himself crumple, and he turned his face away from her, wanting to shield himself from this wound, but finding that his body wouldn't move. His face burned hot. He felt dirty. Disgusting.

"Ssh" she whispered again, and her breath tickled against the skin on his neck. Then he felt her lips press against the skin just behind his ear, and he could not stop himself from shivering. She trailed soft kisses down his neck, and he felt her hand brush against his cock. His heart hammered in his chest, and his limbs felt rigid with anxiety. Her felt her other hand grip his chin, and with surprising strength she turned his head around. Her lips brushed against his, and felt as if a wave of hot water washed over him. Her hand brushed up and down his cock as she kissed him, gently, teasing. He had missed her so much. Just thinking of it made him ache. He felt himself begin to rise, and she broke their kiss, shuffled. A moment later he felt her take him into her mouth, and it felt so good, but so wrong at the same time. His body reacted, and pleasure came and went like little jolts of electricity coursing through his nervous system. He wanted to tell her to stop, but his throat felt so tight he could not get a sound out. Instead he lay there, feeling his pleasure mounting, letting it happen. As if she could sense his build up she abruptly moved, climbed on top of him. When he felt her naked legs against his skin he wondered if she had snuck through camp wearing just her underwear. He felt her push the fabric between her legs to the side, and then she guided him inside her. He slid deep into her, felt her move on top of him, and heard her jagged breath. Again he tried to tell her to stop, to just wait a second, but no words came. Instead he heard himself moan slightly, and he felt ashamed, like everything he was doing, everything he was feeling was wrong. He gripped her hips, driving himself deeper into her. For a moment he wanted to forget. Just this one moment he wanted to pretend that all the bad things had not happened. He shuddered, climaxed, and as the pleasure began to subside he could no longer hold back his tears.

He crumbled, unable to stop himself from trembling as he suppressed his sobs. He didn't want her to see him like this. He felt like the shame might kill him. His arms went limp, fell to his sides. For a moment she sat completely still on top of him. Then he felt her cradle his cheeks in the palms of her hands. Her thumbs brushed his tears aside, kept doing it as new ones formed. She said nothing. He was weak, pathetic, and nothing he ever said or did would wash away the memory of this moment.

Within moments he managed to pull himself back together, desperately wanting to blame shock and fatigue for his breakdown. He could not be weak, not now. He felt himself slide out of her as she dismounted him, stood up, and then he heard the rustling of fabric. So she had been clothed. Somehow she had managed to sneak into his tent and undress without waking him. She was almost as quiet as her companion was. He really did not want to think of that man right now though. He felt stressed when he realized she was about to leave. He scrambled, entangling himself in his blanket that she had just thrown aside as she had started to feel him up, and reached for her.

"Forgive me" he croaked. His muscles trembled, and he hated the tremor in his voice. Iris stopped mid movement, and now that his eyes had gotten used to the darkness he could see her silhouette inside the tent. He wondered if she was looking at him.

"Not yet."

She left.


	28. 27

"I saw you"

Reiner groaned internally. He was already struggling to ingest the piece of bread that stuck to the inside of his mouth like a piece of dry sponge. Porco stood over him; eyes squinted in the bright sunlight. His grin was like a knife.

"I knew you were a brown-nosing, useless piece of shit, but _come on_. I wonder what the pretty corporal would think if she knew you were creeping around the bushes spying on her. Have you been peeping while she's changing too? Honestly, how can you even stand, when you have no spine" he sneered contemptuously. Reiner felt his face twist into a grimace, growing hot.

"I was-" He did not know how to finish his sentence. All the explanations he'd so carefully gone over in his mind had sounded pathetic, even to him. He'd been stalking far behind her through the narrow streets, crouching behind an overturned wagon, praying that no one would come by and spot him. Why, out of all the people in this camp, did it have to be Porco? Giving up on making any excuses from himself he looked Porco in the eye, letting his mocking smile burn him.

"What's the excuse Braun? I'm dying to hear it" He laughed. "I didn't think so. Seriously though, you're embarrassing yourself. Us too, because we have to be associated with you."

He was about to go on further when Pieck showed up behind him. She leaned heavily on the wooden crutch pushed up under her left armpit. Their titans had been used to fortify the city in the last two weeks, and unlike the rest of them Pi had spent the entire time up until now transformed.

"What are you two talking about?" she asked, through Reiner knew she must have heard at least part of what Porco had said.

"Nothing, Pi."

Reiner thought Porco did not want her to see how petty he could be. He tried looking down at his hands, but felt pretty sure Pi had seen the look of embarrassment on his face anyway.

"Pock, have you considered that it might be a good thing if Reiner was on good terms with one of the officers?"

Embarrassed to have been caught mocking Reiner by Pi, Porco sulked. "As if that'd ever happen when he keeps acting like some pervert."

Reiner had to fight the urge to stand up, grab Porco's neck, and throttle him. He wanted to defend himself, but what could he say? Iris had spent the last two weeks busy with everything that didn't involve him. She'd left him in his tent that night, naked, sticky, and confused. He'd felt embarrassed that she'd come in and found him naked, when he always slept fully clothed these days. Embarrassed that she had put her hands on him, and not asking what she wanted or anything, he'd just let her do whatever she wanted. She had touched him, pleasured him, and he had just laid there passively like a dead fish. He was not even sure he'd wanted it. Or rather, he had wanted it, but he had not wanted it to happen that way. She must have been disappointed. And then to make matters worse he'd teared up. He dared not think of what she must have thought then, being forced to comfort him like he was some massive, dribbling child. She must have been disgusted, that's why she had left so quickly. Not a word to him in two weeks. For some reason she had come to him, given him a chance for some sort of reconciliation, but all he'd given her was a disappointing sexual performance and tears. No wonder she was avoiding him. She must have come all this way hoping to find the person he'd pretended to be with her, and been disappointed to find... _This_.

His bread slipped from his grasp and fell to the ground. He looked at it, disappointed that it had not lodged itself inside his throat and killed him instead.

Every early morning she would spend an hour with Jun out in one of the abandoned districts of the city. He knew because he had followed her there one morning, and every morning since. He knew that he shouldn't, but he couldn't stop himself. Sitting there, crouched low and watching them in secret was such bittersweet torture, he felt as though he'd become addicted. He'd watch her move in a way he'd never expected to see from her. She had always been good in the air, but clumsy on the ground like a duck out of water. Now she was quick, agile, and deadly. But no matter how good she was, the silent man was better. He would make the air sing with his wooden practice swords, too quick for the eye to see. His thrusts, kicks, punches were savage, and when they hit their mark Reiner found himself cringing. She took the hits, bled, bruised, but kept rising. Day after day they repeated their savage dance, and he found himself wondering if Jun was the reason to why Iris had changed. Judging by this brutal training it was a small miracle that she had survived in his care. She had always been good at surviving though, he had to admit.

He had no idea why he was doing this to himself; stalking her. It hurt to see her willingly subject herself to Jun's brutal punishment, yet every day she shunned his company, treating him like he did not exist.

He looked up, saw Pi's worried eyes. She sat down next to him. Porco had gone, probably to stew because Pi had once again caught him being nasty, and he had failed to play it off as something else.

"Reiner, you have been acting a little strange lately. Is everything alright? You know you can trust us if you need anything."

He thought it was ironic. He could trust them, in battle, in that they wanted the best for their people. But at the same time it was a lie, trust. If they knew certain things, his friends would turn to enemies within moments.

"I'm fine, just wondering why they're keeping us here with so little to do."

"I think it has something to do with the interrogations. You'll see, things will start moving soon."

He nodded, humming low and feigning interest in their situation. The interrogations she had said, but why that would keep the rest of them here, he could not fathom.

"Porco's probably right though, you should just approach her if you want to win her over." He tensed at her suggestion.

"I can't. Let it go Pi, she wants nothing to do with me. Besides, it's not her I've been keeping an eye on, it's _him_. There's something off about him, haven't you noticed?" His arguments sounded rather more feeble than he would had liked.

"There's something off about lots of people here. And despite what Zeke thinks, I believe she's the one to win over."

"For what purpose?" He was not sure he liked where Pi was going with this. The less they had to do with Iris the better.

"The more we know about what is being said on their side..."

So that was her angle, or at least the angle she chose to put forward to him. He shook his head.

"I know you think you can't, but you're not seeing yourself clearly. Pock doesn't see you very clearly either, with Marcel and all... But if you put some effort into it, I'm sure you could get to her."

"You'd have better luck asking Colt. He's with her every day" he said bitterly, before realizing how it had sounded, and sighed to himself.

"It's no wonder she wants to unwind by playing house with the teenagers, considering what she's been tasked with." Pi sighed at his questioning, puzzled gaze. "Shouldn't you know? You're the one who's been following her."

"I haven't" he protested.

"I knew about it before Porco did. I suppose it's not a big surprise you're awkward around women when you were sent away as a boy, but that's why you should take my advice and approach her if that's what you want to do..." She paused for a moment. "Lindner put her in charge of the interrogations."

He went cold inside. He licked his dry lips, but his tongue felt like sandpaper against his burnt, sensitive skin.

"I don't think she's the one who physically does it, because they go in together, her and the man. But someone needs to ask the questions. 'Where are your forces stationed? How many men do you have? How many ships? How is the anti-titan artillery made? What's the encryption key?' You know how it goes. It's probably wearing her down, which is why now might be a good time for you to make your move." Pi said, with an uncharacteristic edge of ruthlessness in her voice.

"You don't want me on her good side; you want me to use her"

"Yes. But it might do you some good too. When this war is won, what will you do with the rest of your time? There needs to be more to your life than the fight."

"You never took much interest in my life before."

"We didn't know each other that well before. We are comrades, but there's more to it than us wearing the same uniform. There are things only us warriors can understand. So in a way, I guess we're family."

"In that case I let three of my family members die" he replied hollowly.

"No, they just died whether you let them or not. There's no saying who is at fault."

He wondered if she meant that no one was to blame, or that someone _was _at fault, you simply couldn't say it. Pi gave his shoulder a quick pat before she rose. "Think about what I said." Then she left him.

He spent another half hour cooking on the sands, staring at his piece of bread. Then he decided to try his luck at dices in one of the gambler's hangouts, and he brought the two Roth-Sauer sidearms he had taken off the enemy troops to wager. A couple of hours later he'd lost them both, but won himself a bottle of Doornkaat. Despite his personal apathy towards gin he felt pleased, and carried the bottle tightly pressed to his side on his way back to his tent. If he were to confront Iris, he might want to take the edge off first. Plus, she seemed to have taken a liking to drink, so he thought it might come in handy. Before he had a chance to stow away his liquid treasure inside his tent, he noticed Lindner's aid Muntz heading towards him with an indignant look of importance on his face.

"Vice Captain Braun, the warrior unit is to report to the central plaza at noon. Pack your things, we won't be returning here."

"Where are we headed?"

"Just do that you're told, Eldian" Muntz replied coolly. There was no doubting where he stood on "the Eldian issue". He gave Muntz a curt nod, and then he strode past him, crouching down slightly to slip inside his tent.

He put the Doornkaat down, and began to pick up his dirty shirts, shoving them into his large pack. Muntz had said 'the warrior unit', and now he felt acutely aware that Iris was not part of the warrior unit. Perhaps she didn't detest him, like Pi had said, but then why would she have avoided him for two weeks? The worst thought he had, the one he wanted to put away, or shove into the bottom of his pack and forget about, was that she might be ashamed of him. What if she had come all this way for him, but what she found was so disappointing that she could not even stand to look at him now? Fuck, shit. He yanked a shirt from the ground, not noticing he was standing on the other sleeve with his foot until he heard the sound of fabric tearing. He looked down at his hand and released the shirt, watching it fall into a heap by his feet. Without really knowing why he did it, he sank to his knees. He put his face in his hands, and welcomed the darkness. He thought that he deserved this pain, so he let it overtake him.

Pi had wanted him to use Iris, and he had not turned her down. Instead he had felt lighter, as if another mission to bury himself in made it easier for him to breathe. No wonder Iris was ashamed of him, it was well deserved. He let his hands fall to his sides, feeling calmer now. He climbed to his feet, looking at the torn shirt. After a moment's hesitation he picked it up, and put it with the rest of his things. He could try to fix it with needle and thread later. He pushed the bottle of Doornkaat into the large cloth sack, and closed the flap.

As he left the tent and walked towards the central plaza, with no intention to collect his lunch rations before going, he thought of Iris. He thought of her the entire way there. His eyes swept the plaza as he turned a corner and entered from the south. She was not there, not yet at least. He saw none of the warriors either, so he found himself a seat, and then he waited. Zeke was the first to turn up, his hair slightly ruffled and his shirt untucked. His glasses were crookedly perched on the bridge of his nose, and he had a cigarette tucked behind his ear, as if it was waiting to be lit while in the company of annoying people whose faces he wished to blow smoke at. He stood by Reiner's side, clearly not in a talkative mood, and contemplated the religious symbols on the church-like building opposite to them in silence. Pi and Porco arrived together, and they both seemed to be in a rather high spirits. Spitefully Reiner summoned up a mental image of Porco eating breadcrumbs off the ground at Pi's feet. It made him feel a little better, and a little worse at the same time. If Marcel could see him now, having such mean thoughts about his little brother, he might regret saving Reiner's life that day. He might have wanted to feed him to Ymir instead. Perhaps that would have been better for everyone in the end. Some little part of him sniggered contemptuously at his self-pity, but the greater part of him could just not muster enough enthusiasm about it to care.

Colt arrived in the company of Philip Bjergsen and Jannik Vinther. He could see why Colt and Philip got along. They were two peas of the same pod in most aspects, barring the fact that one of them was an Eldian and the other an open-minded Marleyan. Vinther was somewhat a third wheel to their bicycle, but seemed to have no one else to turn to around here, and so chose bad company over exclusion and the inevitable loneliness that came with it. Reiner felt a little surge of hope at the sight of the boys, because it meant that Iris would likely be accompanying them as well. Bjergsen gave him an almost shy looking little smile, but he made no effort to smile back.

"I really hope they don't put us on a cattle transport this time" sighed Vinther. "I swear the seats in that last train hadn't been upholstered in the last hundred years or so."

"You do know that the Eldian soldiers were the ones who were actually forced to ride in the cattle cars, right?" Bjergsen retorted. Vinther gave Colt and the rest of the warriors an odd little look.

"Well, yes but... that's just the way things work, it's not my fault."

"They're really not that bad" Colt interjected. "There's usually crates and things to sit on. And everyone's in a good mood, because we are proud to be fighting for our homeland."

"Of course" Bjergsen smiled thinly.

His clock showed that it was fifteen minutes past midday when Iris and Jun showed up together with Lindner and Muntz. Seeing her approach made him feel even more bothered by the heat than he had been before. He tried to look at her without it being obvious that he was staring, afraid of what he might see in her eyes if she gazed back at him. She looked wretched. Blue and green bruises discolored the skin by her collarbones that the low cut camisole had left exposed. Pink blood vessels discolored the whites of her intense blue eyes, and the dark circles underneath them aged her by at least ten years. Blood had spattered across her trousers, coagulated, and turned into dark brown stains. There was a tightness around her mouth that he recognized, because he had seen it before. Lindner stood in the center of the ring of soldiers that had gathered.

"Everyone, to the jeeps. We are homebound" he smiled as if he had just delivered great news. Reiner felt something inside his abdomen tighten a little at the thought of home, of the house that he no longer liked sleeping in. The quiet meals he ingested while weighed down by the palpable tension in the room. Going home had been all he cared about once, now he felt as if he might never want to return there again. But he let nothing show on his face. He noticed Jun prying the pack off Iris's shoulder as they started moving, and with an almost unnoticeable sigh she let it slip from her grasp.

"Are you alright, ma-" Bjergsen coughed to hide the fact he'd almost addressed her as ma'am, something she had warned him against. "Corporal" he finished. Iris put on a translucent smile, put her arm around his shoulders and pulled him close to her. His cheeks reddened slightly as his arm was pressed against one of her breasts.

"I'll be fine. Such a thoughtful young man, aren't you." She extended her other arm, grabbing hold of Colt who had been just within reach. She pulled him in while uttering a low cooing noise. "You both are. Have you made any more progress with the encryption?"

Colt cleared his throat, visibly unnerved by the physical contact. "We have identified a handful of grouped symbols, probably identifying a predetermined set of letters... But in honesty we haven't really figured out much."

"That's more than I'd have accomplished. I was never that clever growing up, and I doubt it's gotten any better"

"What were you like?" Colt asked thoughtlessly, but then he looked nervous, as if he'd realized a marleyan might take offense at being spoken to in such a familiar way. "I-if you don't mind, Corporal."

She seemed to think it over for a long while, as if it was a complex question in need of thorough analysis. Reiner felt himself tense in anticipation. She bit her lip, looked down at the two boys with her slightly hooded dark eyes, clearly reminiscing.

"I was a dumb, nosy little shit" Though she was looking at the trucks parked up ahead, Reiner thought her eyes looked vacant, as if her thoughts were somewhere else. "When I got older I wanted to do the right thing, be wise, dependable... all of that. But in a sense I suppose I was still that kid who just wanted her father. I honestly felt like he was a man touched by a higher being, far beyond the ordinary man and mind. I so much wanted him to pick me up, and for him to raise me above all others... But it seems I was unworthy of his affection. I was just too... ordinary" She broke off and looked down at the two boys eyeing her. Reiner saw her retreat back into herself, like a shadow that swept across her face.

She had always spoken freely about her mother, Reiner remembered, but in the beginning he had not listened too much. He'd only approached her because she was from Mitras, if he was to be honest. A time or two Iris had let something slip about her father, a little anecdote, a mention of books, and that he'd been a doctor of some soft. Each time she would just break off as if she'd just caught herself speaking of things she was not supposed to, and she would retreat back into the safety of her own thoughts. She had told him that a friend of her father's had forced himself on her, and that her father had subsequently cast her aside after that. At that point he thought he'd known all there was to know about their dysfunctional relationship. But it seems she had kept her innermost thoughts and feelings hidden from him in the end.

"I hate my father" Bjergsen whispered. "Nothing's ever good enough for him. He tells mother that she's stupid and worthless all the time... I even didn't want to enlist, but I had to or he wouldn't leave her alone."

Iris pulled him even closer, ducking her head slightly so their eyes were levelled. "Don't let the captain hear you say that, Philip. Even if you're right, it'd put the captain in a tight spot if he heard. Between you and me though, Colonel Bjergsen is a bully, and I despise the man. But he's the top of the food chain, far out of our reach." She gave him a smile that said it'd be their little secret. Then she looked to Colt, gave the two of them a little pat on the shoulder, and let them go.

Reiner spent the entire ride in the jeep back through the territory they'd crossed only weeks ago stealing glances at Iris. She had fallen asleep within moments of resting her head against Jun's shoulder. As the jeep thundered across the provisional bridges created over the deep trenches of Syrkov Pass, her head bobbed slightly and her body began to slide forward. The man put a hand against her chest, pushing her back upright. He did not remove his hand once she was steady, and while there was nothing improper about its placement, there was something intimate about it. She mumbled something incomprehensible in her sleep, but quieted immediately after. Reiner watched her eyes move underneath her eyelids, saw her brow tense and contort. The nights they had slept close together inside the empty barracks a few years ago came to mind. The times he'd forced himself to stay awake for hours so he could sneak off to meet with Annie and Bertholdt, he would often watch her face as she slept. She had always appeared younger with her eyes closed, when her mouth relaxed. Right now he thought she looked sad where she sat, shielded by her companion.

She had lied to him back then, she must have. He'd just been too self-involved to notice it. The fate of the world resting on his, Bert's and Annie's shoulders had been hell of a burden to bear. The fact that the devils beyond the walls were just people had made it worse. He'd told himself over and over that they were not his people, and while he always felt very clear on that part, at times it had felt unfair to him that they needed to die. It had not been the heroic mission he had dreamt of, but he knew that once he'd saved everyone beyond the walls, he'd have the love of an entire world to make up for it. Iris had been what blurred the line between his people and the enemy. She was not his people, and not his enemy. He had been caught in between, unable to accept the way things were.

But he had never asked her why she seemed to love her father so much, despite the fact he had practically abandoned her, and despite the fact she was obviously afraid of him. Why had he never asked? He did not know. He might have thought he'd do it later, and so it had gone on, later turned to even later. And then before he knew it he awoke below deck on the ship headed for home.

He'd lost all track of time when he felt the jeep slowing down. His inner compass told him there was no way they had gone as far as base camp, but as Lindner reached out and opened the flap at the back of the truck, he saw the tracks of the railway outside. They looked new, still shiny and freshly laid. How many men had been at work here in order for them to lay down new train tracks into enemy territory with such speed?

"Where are we?" Vinther voiced Reiner's unspoken question. Lindner scratched his hair behind his left ear.

"Jikhashkari or however you pronounce it. The names of these places" He tittered slightly. Colt was the only one who looked like he had the faintest idea of where that left them. Iris yawned, stretched, and looked outside.

"So that's why we're always short of men at the front lines, they're back here, making sure the officers have a steady supply of luxury goods and rum. They seriously wasted no time putting down these tracks."

"While I don't disagree with you, I think you should keep thoughts like that to yourself from now on, Holt" Lindner cautioned before he climbed out of the truck.

"Does he really think I'd have made it this far if I kept running my mouth?" Iris said wryly, offering Zeke a crooked little grin before she jumped out. Reiner picked up his pack and followed behind the three teenage boys. Once he was out he turned, offering his hand to Pieck after he'd hoisted her crutch to the ground. Pi gave him a thankful smile, but before he had the time to offer to take her pack to the train, Porco shoved him out of the way. Zeke acted the way he usually did, and completely ignored Pi's struggle. He followed behind Lindner, barely sparing the rest of them a glance.

The train stood at one the tracks as if awaiting their arrival. There were only two first class passenger cars trailing behind the locomotive, and they both looked to be empty. With a slight chill Reiner climbed aboard. Once inside he felt very out of place, and he became acutely aware of just how dirty he was. His clothes hadn't been washed in weeks, and he was covered in dust and sand. He walked down the aisle before seating himself on one of the sofas. He let his pack slide to the floor, watching everyone spread out around him. Colt sat on a sofa next to Bjergsen, and on the opposite side of the table, Vinther sat down, putting his pack on the sofa next to him to dissuade anyone from sitting there. Zeke tracked down an empty set of four seats, but within moments Pi had sat down on the opposite side of him, and Reiner heard her make the excuse that there was something she wanted to discuss with him. Porco sulked, sitting by the table on the opposite side of the aisle. Lindner had disappeared, probably into the other car, taking his subordinate with him. Reiner watched Iris leisurely stroll down the aisle, looking around at everyone on her way. There were plenty of free spaces, but she walked up to the empty sofa in front of him.

"First time in first class, Colt?"

The boy gave her a shy smile. "Yes, Corporal Holt"

Without looking Reiner's way, she slid onto the seat. To his delight Jun found his own seat a few feet away from them, close to Zeke and Pieck. He immediately leaned his head back and closed his eyes, but Reiner always found it difficult to gauge if he was actually asleep or just pretending to be. The train began rolling slowly, and the steady hum of the wheels against the track reached his ears.

For a long time Iris did not look at him. She stared out of the window with a vacant look in her eyes that told him her thoughts were somewhere far away from here. He thought of home, wondering of his mother knew he was on his way back so soon. She would no doubt act as if she was happy to see him, and in truth _he did not know_ that her joy was feigned, however he could not help but suspect it. Things had been tense between then since he'd come back from Paradis. In a sense he thought she might have expected her little boy to come home, older, yet somehow still the same, smitten with Marley's greatness and his dreams of becoming a hero, still hoping for his father to come home one day. It must be difficult for her to associate the person he was now with the boy she remembered. And as she always did when faced with the harsh reality of their existence, she stuck her head in the sand and pretended that they were happy together. He thought that in some sense she still lived in the world of make-believe that had marked his childhood, a world where her one true love was still waiting for her on the other side of the fence. He understood why she did not want to see things as they were, because the harsh truth was that she would outlive her son, and die alone. He wished that she would have moved on during the years he was away. She had still been young enough to find someone to share her life with, but instead she had clung to the past. Perhaps she was afraid to let go of it because she'd have to see the affair for what it had really been. He felt no resentment towards his father; what he felt was closer to the feeling he'd gotten the time he'd seen a praying mantis eat her mate. He thought it sad in a way, but she was only doing what was in her nature. He thought his father was the same way.

He jerked in his seat, experiencing the sensation of falling for a short moment before he realized he was on the train headed for home. As he twitched he'd thrown his hands out, gripping the edges of the table in front of him. He relaxed, wondering to himself if he'd fallen asleep, and if so, for how long he'd slept. He felt ridiculously paranoid that he'd slept with his mouth open, snoring loudly, but a quick glance around the train car revealed that no one was looking at him. No one except for her. Her dark blue eyes transfixed him, and he felt the heat rise on his cheeks. He had to force himself to not look away, and push back the instinct to protectively fold his arms over his chest. _She knew_. He could see it in her eyes. She must have seen him, just like Porco had, but she had let him go on thinking he was getting away with it. Was there a chance she could understand the reason to why he'd been doing it, when he was not entirely sure himself? He did not want her to see those parts of him, the lack of pride, the desperation. His heart thundered in his chest, and he did not know for how much longer he would manage to hold her gaze, to not look down at the floor pretending to be somewhere else, somewhere where all of this was not happening to him.

His stomach gave a deep, resounding rumble. The sound absurdly seemed to echo off the walls of the car, and he heard everyone go silent around him. Iris's eyes widened slightly. He sat rigidly in his seat, completely at a loss. Again his stomach growled, louder this time. He watched her grimace for a moment, but then her face split into a smile. She giggled, quietly at first, but then she burst out laughing. Writhing in her seat, she laughed until her cheeks were red, and her eyes were dotted with tears. He felt a tug at his cheeks, and realized that he was smiling too. It felt strange to laugh in a place like this. He'd gotten used to all the shit happening all around him, but he would never have expected to find something to smile about here. He had never adored her quite as much as he did right now, in this moment.

Still laughing she wiped the tears on the sleeves of her shirt jacket, and the dirty fabric left brown smears across her cheeks. He felt the urge to lean over to try to wipe them off, and knew that in another life he would not have hesitated to. When she finally composed herself, still blushing and out of breath, she gave him an appreciative look.

"You should smile more often" she said, and he could not think of a single thing to reply with, so he shrugged slightly hoping that it would suffice. "Did you forget to eat, Vice Captain?" she inquired innocently, and for a moment he wondered if she was making fun of him. Then he thought she might actually be helping him make up another excuse as to why he was skipping his meals.

"I didn't get much time to pack up my things, must have slipped my mind." He felt his stomach twisting and grumbling. Iris bent over her pack, and within moments she pushed a small package wrapped in paper across the table to him. He hesitated for a moment, but she gave him a nod that said 'Go on', so he took the package in his hands. Inside he found bread, a small container of pudding and an apple; parts of an officer's lunch. He dared ask himself if there was a chance she had put these items aside with him in mind; and instantly he felt frightened, as if someone might hear his thoughts and laugh at him. He looked into her deep blue eyes, but found no answers there.

"Thank you" He felt absurdly grateful, but the same time he did not relish the idea of her watching him eat. He could not say why, but he'd have liked to eat somewhere out of sight, alone. Instead he took a bite of bread, and made a great effort to chew quietly with his mouth closed. Iris did him the favor of looking out of the window again, almost as if she sensed his dilemma. That, or she might have found the view unsavory. Sometimes he wondered if thoughts like the ones he had were just overly paranoid, but it's not considered paranoia if you're right... right?

"You've never tortured anyone, have you?" she asked, and he could see that she was watching his reflection in the glass. "My first time was a mess... honestly I didn't think I could do it. The scary thing is, _it's easy_. There was a time when everything inside my body wanted to stop, and I felt as if the knife was in my own flesh. I listened to his agony knowing I could stop, but I didn't; I kept on going. It gets easier after you pass over that threshold. What you used to find repulsive starts to pass you by without making an impression."

Her eyes were no longer watching his reflection; instead she was staring at the landscape rushing by outside the window. He was not sure whether or not he was expected to say something, or just keep quiet. She blinked slowly, as if the action required a great effort.

"I don't think about their families at all. Perhaps I should... After all, I know how much it hurts when someone you love is suffering. They're probably waiting at home just like I have, hoping to see their loved one's face another time, fighting against that feeling in your gut that tells you that they're never coming back."

Reiner heard someone somewhere behind him shift in their seat, and knew that they would all be listening to some degree. He could not help but wonder whom she was referring to, her friends in the 104th, the survey corps, or someone else he had tried to kill? He hadn't thought of anyone's families either, not even his own. But then, he had never tortured anyone, or had he? Then he thought of Marco. As if trapped inside a bad dream he saw himself hold Marco by the arms, ordering Annie to take his gear from him. Her frightened eyes had threatened to spill over with tears as she tried to get him to ask Bertholdt instead. It had been the point of no return for her, and she knew it. That's why he'd made her do it. If her hands were stained with blood like his were she would be no better than him. He wanted her to be the same as him. No, he had wanted her to be _worse_.

"Do you know what I do think about?" Her reflection in the window was staring right at him with unnerving intensity. "Sorry, that was a rhetorical question. Of course you can't know... I keep thinking that this man probably doesn't know anything. If he did he would have told me on the second morning when I came to flay his second finger. He edges away from me, repeating over and over that he knows nothing. - And I believe him. But I can't stop, not until he starts answering my questions."

He scraped pudding out of the little container, though now he felt the slightest bit queasy. There were things even he hadn't done, and he did not much enjoy thinking of whether or not he'd be capable of them. So far, whenever he had asked himself that question, the answer had been 'Yes'. He was capable of all sorts of things as long as he was ordered to do them. He might even have done it without feeling any remorse, because once he'd been convinced the devils of Paradis were evil. They were the reason to why people looked at him like he was filth. They deserved it.

"Are you happy now, Vice Captain Braun?"

The question honestly confused him.

"Why would I be?" He realized within a second that she could interpret it as an admission of sorts.

"Well, I assume you became a warrior for a reason. For your nation, your people, your family perhaps. I take it from your facial expression that no one informed you why we are headed home: We're about to receive the blue cross, and the captain's getting his two headed lion's badge that he's been pining for. Allowing eldians to attend the ceremony as guests must be a tremendous honor. I thought you'd be pleased."

He stared at her for a moment, wondering if she really had thought that he would be happy to receive such news. There had been no hint of mockery in her voice, but he dared not trust his intuition anymore.

"If our leaders see it fit, I am honored." The platitudes sounded rather tired even to him. Or it was his voice that sounded tired.

"Oh yes, anyone around here would be, me included. To think that a man as great as general Calvi would look down far enough to gaze upon us... gosh. I really must make an effort to look my best" Her tone had been dripping with irony at first, but those last words practically left her purring. Her mouth flashed a cool smile that drew him to her, but at the same time made him feel on edge. He felt sure there was rage hidden underneath those carefully arranged facial features. He wondered what about this situation made her so angry, then he realized he'd sensed it from her since the moment he laid eyes on her back in the capital.

"Do you play cards?" she asked.

He shrugged a little. Nowadays he felt like every little word might betray him. Or his tone of voice. Anything might make Pi sense that there was something off about the way he interacted with "Corporal Holt". Even when Pi was not around he felt paranoid. Warriors were expected to interact with other military personnel on a strictly professional level, and with his past fiascos fresh in people's minds he'd have eyes on him. They were all around him, lurking, waiting for him to slip up again. If he did it would be all over. He wanted it to be all over, but at the same time he did not. The people around him would be held accountable for his mistakes, and that was something he found difficult to come to terms with. Well, that among many other things. He realized he'd disappeared into the confines of his own thoughts when Iris tapped the table in front of him with her index finger.

"Well I do, as I'm sure you've noticed. I think it'd be just the thing to pass the time, care to play?"

"Alright, why not" He felt his cheeks turn hot. She definitely knew what he had been doing. Perhaps that scarecrow and her had shared a good laugh about it, or even worse, perhaps she'd found it too sad to even laugh about. Had the whole camp known? He tried to tell himself that of course they had not, that was implausible, but the tightness in his chest remained. She dug around inside of her pack, and produced a slightly shabby looking deck of cards.

"I feel like a few rounds of gin rummy." She shuffled the cards.

"I'm not a very good player." he mumbled, and resisted the urge to nervously scratch his freshly shaved cheek. He'd like to claim that he had started shaving just because the beard annoyed him, but that was not the whole truth. He had waited for Porco to make some snide remarks about it, but so far he'd got by unscathed.

"Really? I'd thought you to be the strategic type of person. Playing the long game, so to say." Her tone was light, but she gave him this sharp look as she said it. He looked down, avoiding her eyes.

She dealt them their cards, and they played mostly in silence. He felt miserable, but tried not to show it. He felt her watching him, and he felt as if her eyes alone scrutinized him, picking him apart piece by piece. He wanted all of this to stop; this situation in which she was kind to him one second and furious the next was unbearable. He had lost control of everything. The world kept raging around him like a storm, pushing him in all directions and he could only float along, hoping for it to be over soon. It would have been better if she had never come here. He could have died with her memory safely tucked away inside his own mind; something good that he could take with him, something that no one could destroy.

Something touched his hand, startling him for a moment before he realized that Iris had casually leaned forward across the table, and placed her hand over his.

"Vice Captain, Liberio." She nodded towards the windows on the opposite side of the car, and he realized he felt the train slowing down. He must have been playing absent mindedly for quite some time for them to be back already. Suddenly he felt that he wanted to stay on the train and just keep riding towards wherever it was headed, never looking back. But the last stop was just another mile away from Liberio station, and it would offer him no escape. He realized that he still felt the warmth of Iris's hand on his, and as he looked up he was met with a pair of slightly troubled dark blue eyes.

"I'll see you tomorrow at the ceremony." She said it softly. She must have seen it in his face, seen the dark places which his mind travelled to so often. Of course she had. Perhaps they all saw it, but no one wanted to get involved because if he would go down it would be dangerous to have been too involved with him. He made a motion to stand, but she held on a little longer.

"Take care of yourself now, Vice Captain." She let go of him.

"Thank you, Corporal Holt. I hope you enjoy your stay in the capital." He wished she would touch his hand again, but she did not. Colt, Zeke and Porco had stepped out of the car already but Pi lingered, looking his way. It would seem strange for him to linger any longer, so he had to go now. But he did not want to, and something inside him ached dully. He had gone once willingly with the vow to return for her. The second time he had thought that he missed his chance to say goodbye. He was not ready to part again. He stood there, torn back and forth between what to do although there really was no choice for him to make here, Pi was waiting.

"I will try to make the most of it, although I shall have to suffer through a dinner with Lindner, Irma and their disturbing son, but enough about that. I've heard there are some master craftsmen inside Liberio, so I expect to be paying a visit as well, as soon as I get clearance. I won't keep you any longer now." Her tone had a finality to it that brought some order back to his jumbled thoughts. She was right, it was time to go. He turned, picking up his pack from the floor. Then he walked over to Pi who smiled at him, giving him a little wink that made him feel rather uncomfortable, and together they climbed out of the train car.


	29. 28

He straightened his tie for the third time within thirty minutes, finding that it felt as tight as a noose around his neck. His heart beat fast as he thought of being in the same room as Marley's military leaders. Such a thing had never happened before, and he wondered if it was a good sign for the Eldian people. Could it really mean that they were pleased with the warriors efforts? Little beads of sweat formed at his temples, and he brushed them away wishing he owned more than one white formal shirt. Today's shower had been the first one he'd had in weeks, and he did not want to show up to the party smelling of sweat. Trying to think of calming things only made him more agitated, and he decided that he had to get out of this house before it smothered him.

He ran a hand through his damp hair as he walked out the door and headed down the stairs. His mother was waiting in the room below, pretending to read a book in one of the soft chairs. She stood as she heard him coming, eyeing him as he grabbed his army jacket from the hanger by the door.

"Your tie" she exclaimed and came to him. He wished she would leave it alone. He wanted to tell her not to touch it, but the words died in his throat. He wondered why he was afraid to confront her as she undid his tie. "I suppose it is my fault, I should have taught you how to tie one of these before- Anyway, we can't have you showing up in front of General Calvi wearing a crooked tie. There, that's better." She brushed imaginary dust from his shoulders, and he put his jacket on.

"I should go" he said. She nodded.

"Oh yes of course, you mustn't be late." She paused a moment. "I'm so proud of you."

He drew back from her and tried to smile though they both knew his joy was feigned. Then he leaned into her, placing a dutiful kiss on her forehead.

"I'll be back later"

With those words he left the house behind and walked onto the dark street outside. The lights from the houses outside of Liberio lit up the sky, but inside all the smaller streets were unlit. He steered his steps towards the main gate where he would meet with the others. He had run into Gabi as he stepped off the train platform, and she had been ecstatic to see him. She had told him all about her training progress in the weeks since he had left, and he had listened with half an ear. His aunt and uncle would bring Gabi over for dinner at their house tomorrow, and he was glad for it. The house was less quiet when Gabi was around, and he had come to appreciate that. She had grown so much since he'd first come home from Paradis, but even as he met her the first time she had told him that she would become a warrior too. He wished he could tell her how he felt about that, but then what would it change? She was already a cadet and the top of her class as well. Somewhere along the way he had resolved to protect her from all of this, just like Marcel had tried to do when he influenced the higher ups to pick Reiner over Porco. He hoped that one day Gabi might understand his decision the way he suspected Porco had come to understand Marcel, even without being able to access his memories.

Pi was already waiting by the gate together with Colt and Porco. Both of them wore their best shirts and their formal suits, while Pi was wearing a dress for once. The outfit was slightly ruined by her not very clean military jacket, and the shabby crutch she was still leaning on. Her hair looked silky smooth though as it reflected the lights framing the metal gate beside them.

"Good evening" he said to them.

"Well" Pi looked him up and down, nodding her approval. "You clean up nicely, Reiner."

He tried to smile again rather half-heartedly.

"That goatee makes you look queer" Porco muttered, but he smiled while doing it so Reiner took it as a sign that he was in a good mood.

"Nonsense" Pi corrected him mildly.

"Where is Zeke" he asked them, ignoring Porco's little jab at him. He was in no mood for a confrontation, but then he never was..

"Oh you know how he is, always busy with something... Or he fell asleep on his couch after lunch again. He says that he doesn't nap, but I've caught him at it a few times" Pi smiled warmly. Reiner thought that her eyes always looked so lively when she spoke of their Warchief. It was those rather subtle things that she did which made him suspect that Pi felt something more for Zeke than comradery.

"Mr. Braun" Colt said shyly.

"You don't need to talk to me so formally when it's just us, Colt."

The boy's cheeks reddened slightly. "Oh, sorry... I was just wondering, do you think we'll be expected to say something?"

"I think we better keep our mouths shut. If this party's anything like the ones they usually throw I have a feeling we'll spend most of this evening being stared at like we're a bunch of lepers." Porco helpfully answered for him. Sometimes he could be rather sensible, Reiner thought.

"Good, I would not know what to say anyway" Colt mumbled in reply, and looked to Reiner again. "Falco said that you met Gaby yesterday. He said they are friends, even though she is so far ahead of him in training. I bet you're proud that she looks to be the one to inherit the armored titan, I'd be proud if Falco would -"But he did not finish his sentence. Reiner thought that it was a little ironic how they always spoke of inheriting titans, as if it did not involve the act of eating another person and condemning themselves to a short, violent life.

"Gabi wants to be the best at everything she does, and she usually succeeds. Your brother is probably a good influence on her, keeping her grounded. He and that dark haired boy with the glasses."

"His name's Udo" Colt offered mildly. Reiner nodded, though he'd really had no idea of what the boy's name was.

A few minutes later Zeke came walking with hurried steps. With his hair a bit tousled and his shirt untucked, Pi's second theory of what he'd been doing seemed plausible. He appraised them silently while tucking his shirt into his trousers, and then he led them up to the gate where they produced their papers. The tired guards who were forced to leave their booth to come to inspect them only briefly glanced at their documents.

"Headed for city hall eh? I never thought I'd see the day when they would let your sort in unless they needed servants" one of them said, not unkindly. He was tall and lanky, and Reiner had some vague memory of him and Gabi trading a few words upon their entrance in through the gate once. Perhaps this man was a kind marleyan.

They were let through, and proceeded on foot towards the magnificent city hall. They were a little late, and when they were forced to hurry their steps Zeke offered his arm to Pieck, who did not hesitate to take it. She held on tightly as they walked, and Reiner thought that she might be walking a little closer to their warchief than was absolutely necessary. He thought to himself that he might just be reading a little too much into this, but one look at Porco's face told him that he was not. The younger Galliard brother was stomping along, staring angrily at the buildings up ahead. His face expressed indignation, but his eyes were sad. Despite himself, Reiner felt a pang of sympathy for him.

He noticed Colt throwing glances Porco's way and made eye contact with the young lad, shaking his head almost unnoticeably. Colt blinked at him, he'd understood. And so they all walked on, pretending not to notice the awkward tension between them all as the minutes ticked by. They made it to city hall shortly before the ceremony was to start, and were greeted by suspicious guards at the door who looked over their papers more thoroughly than the gate guards had. Reiner wondered if they really thought that anyone would be daft enough to show up here if they had left the internment zone without a gate pass.

Once inside Reiner noticed how the entire festive hall quieted a little bit as the warriors stepped inside. Some people shuffled to the side and away from them in a not too subtle way. People looked over their shoulders, focusing their unfriendly stares on them as they passed by in tight formation. He had never before been inside a room filled with so many people who hated him, and his discomfort grew. An Eldian serving boy showed up before them.

"Refreshments?"

"No thanks" Porco said politely, but then mumbled under his breath: "I'd feel safer sharing a drink with a bunch of rattlesnakes."

Pi shushed him gently. They all turned the drinks down and stood close together in silence as they watched the people enjoying themselves all around them. Reiner looked for Iris, but could not see her anywhere. Though he was at least a head taller than most people in here he found that all the full skirts and extravagant hats obscured his view of the room. Philip Bjergsen emerged from the crowd and made his way over to Colt.

"Good evening everyone" he offered to them, earning himself a look of disapproval from a woman wearing a purple satin gown who had drawn away from them the moment they imposed on her personal space. He looked between them uncomprehendingly. "Have you not been offered any refreshments?"

"We should keep our wits about us" Zeke replied wryly, and Bjergsen blushed.

"Oh, I did not think of that. Sorry."

"Do you think we'll be expected to speak?" Colt asked, but his friend just shook his head.

"What do I know; I never expected to find myself in this situation."

Pi put her hands on their shoulders reassuringly. "Just stand to attention, and speak as little as possible." They nodded, but did not seem thoroughly reassured.

Within five minutes Reiner saw general Calvi making his way towards the podium. The crowd parted to allow him passage, and the murmur of conversation around them quieted. Everyone in the great hall turned their attention towards the general, and as he cleared his throat the room fell silent. His thin face and distinguished bone structure made his face look as though it had been carved from stone. Calvi let his grey stare sweep across the crowd, and as his gaze passed over Reiner he found himself holding his breath. He had not met the general back when they had discussed the future of the armored titan, and he could not help but wish that he would not have met him now either.

"The war has been hard on all of us" Calvi addressed the tuxedo clad men and the women draped in satin. "Our enemies have not just attacked our borders, killed our sons and awakened fear in the hearts of our people. This is an attack on all that we hold dear, our pride, prosperity, freedom. You have all made sacrifices for our nation, and I will not lie to you, the progress has been slow. This is why we need men like Captain Alfred E. Lindner" Calvi looked to his right, and out from among the crowd Lindner appeared. Clad in a brand new officer's uniform and hat, he strode up to the podium with his head held high.

"Captain, you have distinguished yourself. We will be expecting great things from you from here on out." Calvi's aide pinned a couple of medals onto the captain's chest, and the crowd around him began applauding. "Captain Lindner led the recent assault on Syrkov Pass and Maraan, forcing our way through one of the enemy's strongest points of defense. Because of this we have been able push the front line several miles further into enemy territory." More applause.

"Serving directly under the captain is the warrior unit, the very pinnacle of our military prowess. Despite our recent set-backs, the warrior unit is stronger than ever before. Brand new technology being developed as we speak will further ensure that no one can match them in combat."

That was their que and they started moving, leaving Colt behind as they went. The room fell deathly silent as they made their way up to General Calvi, and their stares felt hot against Reiner's skin. They stepped into line beside Lindner, and for a moment General Calvi's eyes fixed upon him. He shuddered. Then the moment had passed, and the general looked to the crowd again.

"The world must never forget Eldia's reign of terror, and their crimes against humanity. Today the warrior unit's efforts have gone a little way towards repaying the great debt that the Eldian race owes the world, and our nation most of all." No one applauded this time, and the entire time it took the aide to pin their little blue cross to their uniform jackets the crowd stared at them sullenly. Calvi then cleared his throat.

"For their efforts at Syrkov Pass, and for the role they played at Maraan; Private First Class Philip Bjergsen, Private Jannik Vinther, Private Colt Grice, Corporal Siri Holt and..." he stared at his papers, pursing his lips ever so slightly. "... Jun."

Reiner watched the boys moving towards them, and then his eyes fell on Iris. She strode through the crowd wearing a dress that was so tight he could see the outline of her ribcage and her flat abdominal muscles through the thin fabric. Her neckline dove down into a daring plunge, exposing the pale skin around and between her breasts. She swiveled her hips and wore a coy smile on her face as if she had just been told a rather amusing joke. He found his eye drawn to her exposed skin, and the soft curve of her breasts. She had her hair done up and pinned back, displaying the pink slash across her throat, and he got the feeling that she wanted people to look at it. Then his eye wandered to the person walking behind her. A short, lean man with jet black hair styled in an asymmetrical fringe (that was slightly too long to be considered proper) stalked closely behind her. If it was not for the scar running down the side of his face, twisting his upper lip into a slight snarl, Reiner would not have recognized him. Well groomed, clean shaven and dressed in a neat uniform, Jun was a changed man. He looked younger than Reiner had first assumed, but it was always difficult to tell with people of his origin.

They all stopped, and the aide hurried to action in pinning the little blue crosses to their chests. Reiner saw people in the crowd stare at Iris's outrageous dress with wide eyes, and leaning in to whisper among each other. The aide reached Iris and for a moment seemed stumped, not knowing where to look or attach the little pin.

"Just put it here sir" she grinned impishly, pointing to a spot on her left breast. General Calvi had fixed his impassive grey eyes on her, but it was impossible for Reiner to decide whether or not he was displeased with her attire. Lindner however shifted form one foot to another with a look of discomfort written across his face. With the pin in place, the aide moved to stand in front of Jun. With only a quick look at the man's face, the aide hurried to place the pin by his left breast pocket. Then the young man saluted General Calvi, and backed away from the podium.

"These men and women will continue our tireless push east. Our false friends will come to regret the fateful day they chose to take up arms against Marley. We will overrun their cities, break their armies, and put them back in line where they belong. We are stronger together, ladies and gentlemen. Lend us your support" Calvi finished, and he turned away from the speaker's podium without another look at any of them. Reiner saw Iris and Lindner share a look between them before the two of them broke away from their little formation, walking in opposite directions. A small group of guests greeted Lindner, beckoning him over to them. Meanwhile Iris took Jun by the arm and led him off towards a more secluded spot in the corner of the room. She leaned in, whispering in his ear as they went.

"Well" Pi breathed. "That wasn't so bad, was it?" She had her face turned towards Colt who had finally let his shoulders down, relaxing for the first time that night. He shook his head.

Bjergsen leaned in towards Pi and whispered: "Don't you think it was unnecessarily harsh?"

"I hope you are not suggesting that the general has erred in his judgement of our people, young man" Zeke said rather coldly to the boy. "It is certainly not for us to question the judgement of our great leaders."

Bjergsen opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, unable to find his words again. The clueless boy had no idea of the situation he could cause by speaking carelessly.

"Yeah Phil, watch your mouth or you'll die young" Vinther said with grave seriousness.

Pi looked around. "I really must compliment Corporal Holt on her dress, would you mind Pock?"

Porco had took her arm in his almost before she had finished her sentence, and they moved over towards where Iris was stood, still whispering to her dark eyed friend. Reiner hesitated for a moment before he followed them, and behind him trailed Colt, Philip and Jannik. Zeke watched them go before he pushed his glasses up, and very quietly turned the opposite way from them and disappeared into the masses. Reiner wondered where he was going.

Behind him he heard Pi say: "Your dress is spectacular, Corporal Holt" He turned in time to see Iris shoot a hot stare General Calvi's way.

"Thank you, I bought it for this occasion. It's the first time I've had the _honor _of meeting so many of our esteemed leaders." He pushed one of her hips out demonstratively.

"I'll admit you make me feel rather underdressed"

"Which is what you intended, I believe? Very smart choice of clothing, I'd never have thought of it."

Pi only smiled at her comment. "If I saw you in the crowd I would not have recognized you" she said to Jun. It was the first time that Reiner could remember that someone apart from Iris spoke directly to the man. His black eyes transfixed Pieck, but his face gave no hint of emotion.

"I almost couldn't believe my eyes, who knew that this is what was hiding underneath all that grime and shabby hair!" Iris patted his shoulder fondly and flashed a toothy grin. "A bit sad to think we haven't been washed or groomed in over a year, don't ya think?"

But the man didn't really seem to think anything about it. He just stared back at her silently.

"Oh come on, cheer up. Smile a little."

He smiled chillingly, twisting his mouth into a snarl while his eyes remained impassive. Iris looked a little crestfallen. "Perhaps you shouldn't smile. These people seem to be rather skittish, I bet they scare easily." The smile dropped off his face, leaving no trace of it behind. Iris turned as an Eldian servant passed by, snatching two of the glasses off his tray. She stuck one of the glasses into the silent man's hand. He looked at the liquid inside the glass for a moment, and then gave her a look of what might have been appreciation... or bemusement.

"How do you like the city, Corporal Holt?" Reiner heard himself ask. It was a rather dumb question really, but he wanted to say something.

"It's big. We only stopped by to pick you lot up last time, so this time Philip's been showing me around. His mother even gave us permission to stay at their house, such a sweet lady." She drank half her glass in one gulp.

"She never liked the house being so quiet when we're away. I think she's glad for the company" Bjergsen reassured. Iris gave him a smile and a little wink.

"I'll make sure to give her a royal 'thank you' before we leave."

"Miss Siri, won't you consider purchasing a home in the city after the war ends?"

Iris looked thoughtfully at the boy for a moment, and Reiner could not help but notice the tightness around her mouth.

"I think not, Philip. I will probably be needed elsewhere when this war ends."

"Oh" He looked disappointed.

"By the way Braun" Porco suddenly turned his attention towards Reiner. His comrade's smile instantly made him uneasy, because there was something triumphant about it. Porco paused a moment for effect, his eyes gleaming gleefully.

"I met someone while I was out today. Can you guess who it was?" His smile was like a knife. Reiner tried racking his brain for people that Porco could possibly use to get back at him.

"Who?" he was forced to ask, feeling the situation slip out of his hands but unable to stop it from happening.

"What was that girl called that you were involved with? Lina? Lydia?"

The sentence seemed to hang in the air between them like sticky cobwebs. Reiner stood rigidly, momentarily at a loss for words.

"Lea" was all he managed to get out. Iris features had frozen into an impassive mask, and she was looking intently at Porco.

"Ah yeah that's her name." Porco smiled. "She seemed very concerned with how you were doing. Of course she didn't say it, but I think she's missed you. Contact her, she'll definitely take you back." The fake sincerity in his voice felt like a slap to the face.

Perhaps he should have protested loudly, telling Porco he had this all wrong. Maybe he should even have gotten cross with him, telling him to stop being such an ass. His anger might have made him seem less guilty. But he just stood there, somehow unable to form any strategy for how to handle this situation. After what felt like an eternity of everyone just staring at each other, feeling the tension rising between them, Reiner saw Pi shift uncomfortably and knew he had to say something now.

"That's not... That was just a mistake." He immediately knew that it had been the wrong thing to say.

"That is an unkind thing to say, Vice Captain. I am pretty sure no girl wants to be a mistake" Iris replied frostily. He opened his mouth, but closed it again when he could not think of a single redeeming thing to say.

Theatrically she looked down into her now empty glass, raised an eyebrow, and said in a snooty Marley accent: "It seems that my glass is empty. I better go fetch a new one" With that she turned around and walked away through the crowd. Porco stood still, quietly celebrating his victory while still wearing that fake, sincere smile plastered across his face.

Reiner just stood there thinking about all the things he should have said, but had not.

She walks ahead of him with her hips swinging from side to side. There's an urgency to her step now. Her movements are overly animated and the further they get, first through the crowd and then through the hallway, the faster she walks. Towards the end, when they have come outside into the dim streetlight, she is almost running. Her heels smack against the cobblestones, and after a couple of blocks she trips, just like he knew she could. He grips her upper arm firmly to keep her from falling, and listens to her speak words that must be curses, though their meanings are unknown to him.

She bends forward, tearing the high heeled shoes from her feet before she straightens up, holding them in her right hand. She keeps her face turned away from him, and he notices that some of her hair has come loose.

"Jun" she says quietly. "I should have given you a kinder name... It means 'obedient', did you know? I thought it was fitting at the time. Now it just seems unkind to me. I'm sorry."

She starts walking again and he follows close behind. After they turn a street corner he hears voices somewhere up ahead. They are loud and joyful, but there's something distorted about the way they speak. He sniffs the air and smells the stale scent of alcohol. She just walks on; too busy with whatever is in her thoughts to be aware of what is up ahead.

He puts a hand on her shoulder, steering her onto a darker, smaller street that leads them away from the people he sensed up ahead. They smelled like soldiers, and he did not like it. Quietly she lets him lead her through the darkness.

He notices her skin prickling underneath his hand. It is cold, so he removes his jacket and hangs is across her shoulders. The home where the little pup offered them to stay is not far off when she stops abruptly.

"Did I make a mistake in bringing us here?" Her voice is weak and tremulous. It is unlike her to speak like this.

"Wait, don't answer that" she adds after a moment's silence. She asks for his opinions quite often, something which he finds quite unusual. She is the first one to do that. She has even given him _a name_. Now she stands still, and he can see that her shoulders are sagging underneath his jacket.

"Fuck, I'm so..." She inhales sharply, and her hands ball into fists. "I barely recognize him anymore. Sometimes it's like he's a completely different person." Her voice is trembling, and he hears the anger in it. There's another thing there too, one that she struggles to keep control of.

"Have I been wrong all along?" she asks the empty air in front of her. He hears someone moving their way, still far off but definitely heading in their direction. He feels the hilt of the blade he has strapped on his back against the skin between his shoulder blades, knowing that he can draw it quicker now that he is not wearing his jacket.

"He could have killed me, or just let me get crushed under the falling rubble in Shiganshina... He could have tried to turn me in when I showed up at the gates of Liberio, but he didn't." She mused to herself, and the trembling in her voice grew stronger.

"It must mean something, right?" He was not sure of whom she was trying to convince.

"He must have cared about me once, even if just a little bit."

He waits while her shoulders tremble, lets her wipe her face on the sleeves of his jacket, and listens to the sound of approaching footsteps over her ragged breath. After a few moments she seems to compose herself a little. Her voice is thick when she asks him:

"Do you hear soldiers?" She still hears like they do. He nods slightly.

"Let's go then. Enough of this."

They start walking again, and this time he sees that she is trying to listen to her surroundings. Her resilience is what time and time again has surprised him. She is not at all like any of the others were. He wonders if she has changed her mind now, or if the plan for tomorrow is still on. He looks at her face, but her expression reveals nothing to him.


	30. 29

"He just tries too hard!" Gabi gestured eagerly with her fork in the air. "You should have seen him, he fell flat on his face. What was he thinking? He can't outrun me and we both know it. For a moment I was really worried that he was going to cry. Can you imagine that? He'd be written off completely!" She laughed merrily. "I think he understood that much, because he just clamped his mouth shut and got back up."

"You kids are such hard workers." His mother smiled. Aunt and uncle, although brimming with pride, looked like they had already heard this story more than once today. Uncle put a hand on Gabi's shoulder.

"Gabi, Aunt Karina has gone through a lot of trouble to make this food for us." he reminded her. She nodded impatiently at him, shaking his hand off her shoulder.

"Reiner, let's walk to HQ together tomorrow morning, yeah?" she beamed at him.

"Alright, I'll come by and pick you up." Gabi was in a splendid mood tonight, and he did not want to ruin it. He had always imagined that once his father could come live with them he would have had a sibling, but Gabi was the closest to it he would ever get.

"Don't make fun of Falco. One day he might be the warrior watching your back" he cautioned.

"As if! Me watching his back, more like. I'd rather have someone strong beside me, like you or Mr. Zeke."

He made no reply to that, and made a move to shuffle some more of the vegetable stew onto his spoon instead.

"I think they'll test us in action soon to see how we handle it. I can't wait to fight for my homeland" she continued with a smile on her lips. "It'll be just the right time for me to show them all that I'm the only candidate worthy of the armored titan. I don't know what I'll do, perhaps device some clever scheme taking the enemy off guard, or I'll think of some awesome maneuver that'll let us claim victory." Her eyes glimmered. Her parents smiled in a way that said 'Please excuse our daughter, she gets ahead of herself' and he actually felt the corners of his mouth twitch a little.

A tapping was heard from the door in the front room and they all stopped in their tracks. He looked from his mother to his uncle, then to his aunt. They all looked startled, which was enough for him to deduce that no one was expecting a visitor at this hour.

"Should I get that?" He made a move to stand up but his mother leapt to her feet, holding a hand out to stop him.

"No, stay Reiner. I'll go see who it is."

He sunk back onto his chair and watched her walk out of the room.

"Isn't it a bit late to go knocking on someone's door at this time?" Gabi wondered aloud and he was somewhat inclined to agree. Auntie shushed her daughter just in case the visitor was someone who might take offence if he or she were to overhear what they were talking about. He tried to settle his features into a mask of cool indifference, knowing full well that most of the time he just ended up looking grumpy. The older he got the gruffer he appeared to be. The laugh lines around his mouth had deepened although he could not remember smiling much, and the wrinkles underneath his eyes aged him beyond his years. _Nineteen going on thirty-five_ he thought.

He heard the front door open and though he could not hear the words, he heard from his mother's light, strangled tone that she had greeted a stranger. He listened for a reply but the person must be speaking too quietly for their voice to be audible through the sturdy stone walls. He heard the creaking of the floor as his mother stepped back, allowing the person to step inside. The door wailed on its hinges as it swung shut. Karina snuck back into the kitchen, directing her wide and frightened eyes his way. Her look of surprise and insecurity puzzled him.

"Reiner dear, there's someone here to see you." Her fingers gripped onto the loose fabric at the front of her dress, twisting it around nervously. He frowned to her for a moment, listening to the lithe footsteps approaching.

It was Iris. He felt his mouth fall open for a second when she entered the kitchen because she was about the last person he had expected to see. The icy way she had looked at him last night before she turned to walk away had lingered in his mind. Those proud blue eyes had pierced him for a moment as if trying to melt him where he stood, but when she had turned to walk away he could have sworn that they looked sad.

"Corporal Holt" he spluttered and stood. He felt quite ridiculous as he saluted her while clad in his rugged grey shirt from which the top button had fallen off.

"Corporal?" Karina paled. Iris was clad in civilian clothing, a full length skirt and high collared blouse, jacketless though the night outside must be chilly. "F-forgive me Corporal, I did not realise-"

"The fault lies with me ma'am, I have neglected to introduce myself properly. Corporal Siri Holt, at your service. I work with your son and was hoping to have a word with him." She did a little awkward bow towards his smother and then turned to him. "At ease Reiner. No need to be so formal, I'm here off duty."

He let his hand drop to his side, trying to read the expression on her face. His mother shifted her weight from one foot to the other, and her wide eyes flickered from his face to the back of Iris's head. She wet her lips a couple of times before managing to speak.

"Corporal Holt, would you like to sit down?"

Reiner wished that Karina was less transparent; anyone with a pair of eyes would be able to see her unease.

"Oh I do not want to disturb your family dinner." The tone in which Iris made her reply made it very clear that she did wish to join them. She smiled crookedly towards the older woman. Although they were almost of a height his mother looked small and frail next to Iris who was lean and hard.

"Reiner, fetch a plate and some cutlery for the corporal."

He did as he was told, feeling like a little boy stuck in a grown man's body. He wished she would talk to him like an adult. Behind he heard Iris open her mouth again.

"I am so sorry for the intrusion, but I do feel rather peckish."

He turned around, seeing his mother making her way over with one of the wooden chairs that were usually kept in the other room. She put it by the corner of the table, seating Iris by his left elbow and perhaps deliberately far away from Gabi who could be a little rough around the edges.

"How can I ever pay you back..." Iris mused, and then stuck her finger in the air. "One moment!" She turned on her heel, scurrying back out of the room. They heard a rumbling noise and he realized that she must have brought a bag of some sort with her. She returned carrying two bottles.

"I don't know if you drink wine? The fellow who gave me this claimed it was a good vintage, and it's wasted on me I fear." She pushed the bottles into ma's hands and Karina seemed temporarily at a loss.

"I c-can't accept this" she stuttered, eyes widening even further.

"Oh _I insist_. That's the way it works around here, isn't it? You must politely decline because nothing is ever free in this part of the world, but if I insist you must accept." Iris smiles carelessly and took her seat, unabashedly helping herself to a serving of stew from the pot at the center of the table.

His mother looked to him again. "Glasses" was all she managed but he understood. He gave them each a glass, meeting Gabi's eye as he put one before her too. She looked puzzled for once. He seated himself, letting his mother pour them all a cup of wine. She only gave Gabi a mouthful, but filled the Marley corporal's cup to the brim. Reiner noted the quizzical look in Iris's eyes as she watched Karina move between them. He felt pressed to say something.

"I did not see you leave the ceremony last night" he began, wanting to kick himself. Of course he hadn't seen her leave when he had been the very person she wished to get away from.

"Captain Lindner had ordered me to be there, but he did not say I had to stay for the party" she casually replied, sipping her wine. Around the table he saw his mother, aunt and uncle follow her example. He had expected her to reply with something snappy that only he would know the meaning of. Her playing it off as nothing made him feel even worse. He gulped a mouthful of wine, sloshing it around inside his mouth.

"Miss Holt, I want to apologize for-"

"Don't. I know that look in his eyes, poor man." She stirred her stew, putting the fork into her mouth and chewing thoughtfully. "I'm not allowed to know any details about the Paradis debacle but it has to do with that I bet. He lost someone."

He frowned, feeling his family's eyes bore into him. They would be in trouble if someone caught them speaking of this, especially if a Marley corporal was to turn them in herself.

"All details regarding that mission are privileged information."

"Don't worry I won't press you to discuss that matter. All I meant to say is that I sympathize with him. I've lost people too, a lot of them."

"I'm sorry to hear that." And he was.

"Don't be. We have all lost something and I've gotten no less than what I deserve." She turned to his mother, smiling brightly. "I must compliment you on your cooking Mrs. Braun, this is delicious!"

Karina looked both flattered and startled by the marleyan woman's friendly comment. Reiner noted that Gabi was eating in silence, eyeing Iris suspiciously.

"It's rare to see you without your companion, miss Holt." It was his turn to feel transparent.

"Call me Siri when we're off duty" she replied. Her tone of voice made him think of a certain kind of Marleyan who acted as if it was a kindness to speak to eldians as if they were human beings. "He is out tending to some business right now. Have I told you the story of how we met?"

"You haven't, no."

She rubbed her chin. "I found him at the gallows, of all strange places. I'd crept into this village and there he was, looking a right mess. I just watched him as he took on two armed men with his hands tied behind his back and noose around his neck. After such a magnificent show I felt obligated to free him and the rest is as they say, history." She made a sweeping gesture with her free hand and her smile was careless. Reiner felt his frown deepen.

"You put your life in the hands of a man someone tried to hang?"

"The easterners tried to hang him, but I am not an easterner. He was alone too. There had been a battle, and his side had lost. I had picked through his comrades clothes in the fields, but none of them were carrying any valuables or provisions. I figured they were a slave army because of their tattos. I decided to risk it."

"That can't be true" Reiner heard Gabi say from the other side of the table. Her spoon lay flat on the table, forgotten for the time being. "There are no slave armies. Slavery is forbidden."

Iris looked at Gabi for a long time.

"Of course it is forbidden here in our enlightened nation. Things are different in the far-east."

"That is barbaric! When we have conquered them they will have to give that up. We'll show them how a civilized society works."

"People don't like being told that the way they have lived for thousands of years is wrong."

"Tough luck, if it is wrong they should be ready to change for the greater good."

Iris smiled at Gabi. "So the people of the world should conform to one way of thinking or perish?"

Gabi grimaced. "If evil people are left alone to do evil things there will never be peace."

"You're Gabi, the warrior candidate?" Iris peered at the girl, visibly amused by the exchange of ideas. Gabi gritted her teeth.

"I am the best candidate. I will be the one to inherit the armored titan."

"You certainly seem to be made of the right stuff."

"Gabi" her mother said warningly. "The corporal did not come here to talk about politics."

"That's alright ma'am, I don't mind." Iris drained her glass, setting it down on the table carefully. "I've always thought ideology is a rather interesting subject." As she finished the last bit of stew in her bowl, Reiner asked the question that had been gnawing at him for the last few minutes.

"How did you end up that far east?"

She put her spoon down on the table, and at once her smile seemed forced.

"My father brought me" Their eyes met, and the surprise he felt made his jaw go slack. "Our relationship has been rather strained over the last decade, and I think both of us made the trip hoping to reconcile our differences." She paused flashing that crooked wolfish grin he'd come to like, and shrugged. "It didn't work out, so I made my way back home alone."

Taking care to try not to look too baffled he heard himself say: "That must have been a long journey to make alone" in a lame voice.

"I try not to dwell on it."

Karina served the adults around the table another cup of wine but they finished their meal mostly in silence. Iris's presence had everyone watching their words carefully. Reiner felt his mind racing. Questions were piling on top of more questions and Porco's revelation from the night before still burned at the back of his throat. He wanted to explain, but what was there to explain really? And when would they have a moment alone where they could talk? Perhaps he ought to try to take her aside but he was honestly dreading to do so. It was the worst feeling, knowing it was time to own up to some of the things he had done. He wasn't ready. Perhaps he would never be ready.

Iris took one last pull from her wineglass, looking unabashedly at him out of the corner of her eye. His aunt and uncle shared a nervous look between them. Everyone had finished eating but no one wanted to be the one to suggest that it was time to leave.

"This was great, thank you so much for inviting me to join you Mrs. Braun. I really have to get going. Reiner, I had hoped to speak to you in private. Business, I hope you can forgive me. Would you walk me to the gate?"

He stood up a little too quickly. "Of course Corporal, as you say." Regretting that he had jumped to his feet he took care not to move too quickly as he cleared her plate and his own, carrying them back to the washing basin at the back of the room. Iris bowed slightly several times as she backed out of the room and headed for the door. He leaned into his mother, hugging her shoulders slightly.

"Dinner was lovely ma. Don't worry about Corporal Holt, she is always a little eccentric."

The look she gave him was so grave he felt his stomach drop. _"What are you doing?!"_ her eyes screamed. _"Don't go there my son, there are mistakes you do not want to make."_ He supposed a mother knows even the things you try to hide from them. But she had it all wrong, as usual. He wished he could tell her that they were nothing alike. He would never make the same mistake she had, never.

"I'll come by and pick you up at six" he said to Gabi as he headed for the door. "Good night." He left them all sitting there, seeing Iris wait by the door. Her dirty old canvas bag was slung across her shoulder and her eyes were dark and unreadable. He took his jacket off the hanger on the wall and held the door open for her.

She stepped out into the street before him, waiting for him to shut the door before steering her steps in the general direction towards the gate. Half disappointed he followed behind her, battling against the feeling of having done something wrong. They were just passing by the openings to some smaller side streets when he felt Iris grip his arm tightly, pulling him into the darkness to their left. A moment he stumbled, but then he found his footing and followed her out of his own accord. Quietly they went, further and further from the residential districts of Liberio, and he understood that she was looking for a place where they would not risk being overheard by curious people passing by.

"Here" she finally said, slowing her step. They had come to a little square space in between the tall buildings. He came to a halt in front of her and noticed that the moon illuminated the spot where they were stood. Her eyes looked black as they stared at him.

"I think it's about time that we talk, you and I" she began neutrally.

"Iris" he said, finally able to say her name aloud. "What Porco said, it was-"

"The truth" she interrupted. "I could see it on your face. It... it doesn't matter" she said in a tone that let him know that it mattered a whole lot more than she wanted to let on. Her voice that started as a whisper grew louder and louder the more she spoke. "I mean, you were probably just trying to live, right? It's a pretty common thing men do, they feel incomplete and somehow get the idea they will find whatever they are looking for up women's skirts. Why waste your breath on it?! I don't care if you fucked one girl or this entire town!" she spat with such venomous contempt that he took a step back from her, feeling the surface of the brick wall against his back.

She clamped her jaw shut, grinding her teeth together as if she hated the bitterness in her own voice. Her face screwed up in a mixture of hurt and anger.

"Was it all just one big lie? A play for your masquerade as a soldier, the great double agent?! Did you ever care for me at all, Reiner?"

Her voice quivered and softened as she spoke his name. He knew that this was it; If he were to say the wrong thing it would all fall apart.

"Seriously? ... Don't you already know the answer?"

"I don't know anything anymore because of you. Say it. I want to hear the words out of your mouth."

"It wasn't all a lie, most if it was the truth! I did everything I could to keep you out of all this... I even put the mission at risk for you."

"The mission" she growled. "The mission to exterminate the island devils, to exterminate me you mean? So you cared for me, you never meant to but you did... I see how it is now. You must have felt bad, falling for a girl who was so far beneath you. It must have been hard for you to lie to my face all that time. I bet you felt really shitty sending me out into the wilderness to be attacked by Annie and the abnormal titans she sent our way. Poor you, having to make such distasteful decisions. Alright... _I get it now_." Her voice dropped, turning into a whisper.

"You said you wanted to save the world... So the mission meant everything, and I did not." She turned her face down until it was cast into shadow. But he did not need to see her expression to understand.

"Iris, you meant more than anything... to me."

"If that is true, then how could you?!" Her head snapped up, and he found himself staring into a pair of blue eyes that were swimming with tears. "How could you let me go?! You gave Ymir's letter to Historia but what did I get? I was left with nothing. Was I just supposed to forget you or what was the idea? You took everything from me and then you let me go..."

He thought of how he'd sat in the cargo space below deck as the ship carried him home. He had thought of his dreams that would never come true, the evil things he had done while telling himself it was all for a good cause, the friends he had guided to their doom, and of the girl he had sworn to never let down that he would now never see again. He had known that nothing would ever be alright.

"I wasn't going to let you go." His lips felt numb as he said the words. "I was going to take you with me whether you wanted to go or not, after we finished our mission. If I had succeeded... you would be dead by now, like Ymir is." He could not stand to hold her gaze any longer. "Letting you go was the only good thing I ever did."

He saw her hand shoot out like a viper striking at its prey, but he felt he had no strength left in him to block the blow. Her open palm stung against his skin as it smacked him across the face, wrenching his head to the side. Her hands balled into fists and her chest heaved with every breath she took. Worse than the pain in his left cheek was the void that spread inside his chest, that hurt he had tried so hard to keep out. He hung his head.

He heard her say: "And now?! Do you feel anything but shame for me now?"

He opened his mouth but no words came. He swallowed hard, once, twice, tried again but all he managed was a strangled croak. She waited quietly for several seconds, but he felt her impatience grow. Why was it so hard to say what he was thinking? He knew what to say, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead he gave up, closed his eyes and waited for the sound of her fading footsteps.

Instead he felt her arms wrap around his waist. The touch is so tender and unexpected he can only stand there for a moment with his arms hanging limply at his sides.

"You never knew how to talk about how you felt, always getting flustered and giving up" Iris murmurs.

He was tall and she was not, but he bent over and buried his face in her hair. It smelled of citrus, warmth and laughter.

"It took a lot to get here. But I swore that I would let nothing stand in my way" she said quietly. "Once I'd found you I thought that forgiving you would be easy." Her arms hugged him a little tighter.

"But it's not easy." Her voice trembled. "Sometimes it's hard for me to even look at you."

It stung. How many times had he not looked in the mirror and thought the very same thing? He wanted to say something that would make it better, but he realized that there were no words that could.

"Reiner" she whispered into his ear. "It's hard for me to accept that you have done these things, but I love you anyway. I don't care who's at fault here. I don't need you to be sorry, or to explain yourself further... or even love me if you do not." She pushed back from him, taking his face in her hands.

"I need you to get yourself together. Get back up on your feet. I need you to fight again, live."

"Fight?" His throat felt raw. She hadn't understood what he had tried to tell her.

"You are walking around as if you are half asleep. What happened to you? Reiner, wake up."

She had said that he did not need to explain, but he wanted to. He wanted her to understand. He did not want to carry the weight of all of this by himself anymore.

"It was supposed to be for the _greater good_. Something bad that happened so the world could be a better place... But the world's not a better place now. My people will never be free. It was all just a child's stupid dream. Look at me Iris... there is nothing left to fight for."

"So you're just going to lie down? Let them violate you and use you like some cheap whore until your body and your years are all spent?!" She sounded angry.

He scowled. "Don't say that... you can't understand."

"What can't I understand? Do you think you are so special just because you're a shifter? You are not the first person to have been used. It is happening all around you, just open your eyes and look." Her thumb brushed his cheek she had slapped only minutes ago. His flesh had healed the trauma and had begun to forget the pain of that blow even though there had been such force behind it. Her strength was surprising for such a small person.

"You make it sound so petty; stop. Most people make mistakes, but what I've done... I don't deserve to be forgi-" She put a finger across his lips, silencing him.

"All you've ever cared about is what other people thought of you. You cared so much you were willing to do anything for them; whoring yourself out and wasting your life for them. Look where it's got you. You don't need to be forgiven Reiner, it would not change anything. What is done is done, accept it. When I say fight I mean that you should fight for yourself just this one time."

"I only have four years left, it's too late for all that." Is that how she saw him, as some naive idiot who buys into the military ideas of grandeur, a whore, a victim? He hated it.

"Four years is enough"

"I don't understand what you... my family needs me, my country..."

She pressed her lips together for a moment, hesitating a moment before she softly replied: "Do they need you? Really? They are willing to feed you to Gabi. You are right, I don't really understand that part of this, how they could ever even consider doing that. I'm sorry, I know it is not for me to judge... but I would not let anyone hurt you. I would do anything to stop it and if I failed... I don't think I could bear it."

Now wasn't the time to tell her that Gabi would not inherit the armored titan. Iris looks at him with something that could be fear. It is the first time she has ever said something like this to him, and he understands that it is no small thing for her to admit. He is suddenly convinced that if their roles had been reversed in Paradis she would not have chosen the mission; she would have chosen him. Shit, she would have chosen him.

He leaned in and kissed her. She seemed surprised, but then she opened her mouth to him. The kiss was soft, tentative and very different from the ones they had shared in his tent that night. Now she pressed her body against his, and he felt the heat rising in him almost as if he had been set on fire. She had crossed half a world to find him. She was strong, alive and warm in his arms. He broke their kiss, looking down at her small, serious face. He kissed her again.

"I love you" he said, ignoring the lump at the back of his throat. She smiled then, a shy, girlish little smile that made her face light up. For a moment it was like they were back in training again, young, scared and falling in love. The light washed out all the stains of what had come after. For a moment he did not think of the end.

She placed a soft kiss on his lips, but then she straightened. "I have a lot to tell you, but this not the place or the time. Your mother might get suspicious if you're gone too long. We should get me to the gate, and you need to go home."

"She is already suspicious. I think she knows."

"Thought so, but we need to keep up appearances. The world is watching."

"Can't we stay just a little bit longer?" he asked. She grinned as if he had made a joke, but he really would have wanted to stay a while longer. As soon as they headed back this feeling of weightlessness would leave him again; reality would come creeping back in.

"We need to go. I'll see you at HQ tomorrow. I could come by in the afternoon as well?"

"Alright" he replied as she took his hand and started to lead them back the way they had come. "Didn't you get lost in the forest a lot when we were cadets?" he murmured as she confidently turned them left and right through the unlit alleyways.

"Yes, but I am better now." Though he could not see her face, he could hear the smirk on her lips. He thought it was an odd thing to say, as if she had recovered from an illness or had been profoundly changed, but he soon forgot all about those cryptic words. Her hand was warm in his. He had forgotten just how soft her skin was, how silky and smooth. Strangely enough she does not have any callouses. They walked silently for a couple of minutes, and he found there was something tugging at him that he couldn't let go of. He still wanted to explain.

"Iris, with Lea, I want you to know that it was just one time. You were right, I was a mess and the moment we... I knew it was a mistake, on my part not hers."

She stopped mid step and he almost crashed into her but managed to wrap her in a half embrace instead. She stood still, not pushing him away but she did not turn to him either.

"About that... you misunderstand, that's not why I- ... Don't explain any more, I don't think I want to hear it. You should know I've had others too, if it makes you feel any better." She pulled free and kept walking.

It really did not make him feel any better.

As they reached the gas-lit main street they walked further apart, and he saw Iris put on what he had come to think of as her "corporal-walk", in which she swaggered as if the whole universe was hers and hers alone. The guards at the gate were out of their cubicle for once, smoking together under the bright blue moon. Iris stopped and turned to him in a neutral fashion.

"Good night Vice Captain Braun."

"Good night Corporal Holt." He bowed to her and watched her back as she walked over to the guards. They greeted her by name and only glanced at her papers. One of them was the tall one that he had seen talking to Gabi. Perhaps he was a douche with a thing for girls and not at all the kind Marleyan he had imagined last night when they passed through the gate. He allowed himself to hold that thought as the man followed Iris to the open mouth of the gate. Then he turned and started home, not wanting to be seen lingering too long after his company had left.

On the way back he tried not to think, but found that it was impossible to do so. He felt lonelier than he had ever felt before, as if Iris had stormed in with all her warmth and hope only to take it with her as soon as she left. _"Fight"_ she had said, but what the hell did that mean? And that last thing she said, that he misunderstood. He did not see what there was to misunderstand when the hurt had been so visible on her face. _"You should know I've had others too, if it makes you feel any better."_ He scowled.

He stomped down the dirt road, stirring up dust around his boots. The sounds of his footfalls filled his ears. He wasn't looking forward to enduring Karina's long, meaningful stares or the tension in the air whenever they were not speaking to one another. He wanted to be alone for a while, alone to think, sleep, wake up.


	31. 30

She gets up, turns around and walks over to the washing basin at the corner of the room. Though she feels like she wants to run there she forces herself to walk slowly. Once there she bends over spitting into the basin. Pushing back the reflex to gag, she straightens. Behind her she hears the sound of a zipper being pulled up and a rustle of fabric as he gets to his feet.

"You're pretty good at that" She turns to him as he digs underneath his jacket with his hand. His wolf eyes meet hers as he holds a thick envelope out to her. "Here, you've earned these." He smiles smugly. She accepts the papers, and the smell of his breath washes over her face. Sour, just like the old musty taste of him.

"You're not too hard on the eyes either. A young woman like you could rise even in this shithole, provided that she had the right attitude. I could help you, got friends in all the right places." Ludvig Engels is not as tall as Reiner is, but then few are. Around thirty, he looks strong and he is comely she supposes. But he smiles with his teeth bared like a wolf snarling at its prey, and his eyes are cold and piercing.

"And you'd do all that out of the kindness of your heart?" she asks, though she knows the answer already.

"Nothing's for free love, and there's only one kind of payment I want from you. Who knows, you might even like it." He grabs her, one arm gripping her around the back and the other he tries to push down into the front of her trousers. She twists out of his grasp and lifts the envelope up to her face, pretending to read the letters scribbled on it.

"I need to think about it."

"Don't wait too long." His eyes flash angrily, and he bares his teeth as his mouth twists into a humorless grin. "You have an expiration date just like anyone else. And don't come crawling to me if you get disfigured in battle. No one will open their door to an ugly wench." With that he turns and walks to the door, not bothering to say goodbye as he exits the office.

The moment he is gone she walks to the shelf in the corner by the window, and grabs a decanter from amongst the various glass bottles on the shelf. Putting the envelope down, she uses both her shaking hands to fill a glass to the brim. She puts it to her lips and downs the whiskey in one go. The liquid feels hot down her throat, burning away the disgusting taste in her mouth. She feels the alcohol working its way into her blood a minute later, and she welcomes the fleeting feeling of floating through lukewarm water. Moments later she feels as if a wind stirs up in her system, lashing at her with strong invisible hands as all her senses flare like fireworks against a dark skyline. Bitterly she wishes that the tranquility and the lull of ordinary drunkenness would come back. "Nothing's for free love, we gotta pay our way" she thinks, and it is Engel's voice she hears whispering in her head. She fills another glass to the brim, picks up the envelope and presses it to her chest. She sips the whiskey, suppressing the urge to grimace at the taste.

Her ears pick up on the sound of footsteps, and she is reminded that there are more people on the way. After momentarily putting her drink down she tucks the envelope into the back of her trousers and conceals it underneath her low-cut camisole and her uniform jacket. She picks up her drink again, and listens as the person outside walks up to the door. She has her back to him, but she knows who has come from the sound of his footfalls. Just as she takes another sip of her drink, he enters.

"Corporal Holt"

She turns to him.

"Good morning Warchief"

He eyes her drink with cool interest.

"Are we celebrating something?"

She lifts her glass and shoots him an equally cool look.

"Yes" she determines. "We are. Can I offer you something? You like a smooth taste I believe." She walks back to Alfred's shelf of liquid treasures and begins to rummage through his stash to see what's on offer. For a man who does not drink much he keeps a lot of different kinds spirits.

"Cognac, or perhaps some mulled wine? I feel like Chartreuse might be too spicy for your liking..."

"A glass of mulled wine should be sufficient for whatever it is we are celebrating." He sounds just a little bit amused. She pours him a glass, and walks over to where he has seated himself on one of the sofas. There's a small, milky stain on the cushion of one of the armchairs where Engels had been seated not long ago.

"Well, I don't know about you, but that party the other night left me feeling rather unfulfilled. Cheers to us, and our great achievements" she says dryly, and raises her glass to him. He shrugs.

"To us then."

They drink.

"Do you mind if I smoke?"

Iris shakes her head, and Zeke starts digging through his pockets. Seems he likes to roll his own cigarettes, and to be honest she is not surprised by this. In control every step of the way seems to be his thing. The world has begun to render more crisply before her eyes as if seeing everything through a looking glass, and her nerve endings have begun to tingle. She feels bold.

"Actually, would you mind sharing one with me?"

"Not at all" He fills the small paper with tobacco. "I assure you, I don't carry any diseases."

She snorts a little and smiles. "I'm not afraid of a little Eldian saliva." Zeke gives her a wry look that could pass as condescending or appreciative, it is really difficult to tell with him.

He hands her the almost perfectly rolled cigarette, and she leans into Zeke to let him light it. She looks him in the eye the entire time, and finds herself comfortable with looking into the face of a man who had sacrificed his own family because of his convictions. Then she straightens back up and takes a long pull at the cigarette, filling her mouth with dirty air.

How she had hated Zeke. It was him and Pieck who had taken Reiner away. For a long time she had not known whether or not they were to blame for what had happened to her home and her friends, if they were the instigators or just in the same position as Reiner. But Levi had said that Zeke had seemed cheerful when they fought, up until he started losing that is. Her father had told her some parts of the story, but from his own point of view, and he had never taken much interest in the warrior program. It was not until she managed to come into contact with Alfred that she got to hear Zeke's story, and as a consequence of it, Reiner's story. No matter how she looked at it now, Zeke was a man to her liking. His eyes saw the world without the rosy veil, and he let nothing stand in his way. It was... impressive.

"I didn't know you smoked" he comments.

"I just started" she hisses between parted lips, letting out a long trail of smoke. She coughs a couple of times, almost spilling her drink.

"Careful, those things will kill you" he comments in a friendly tone, but then his expression sobers considerably. "Do you ever have the feeling of being followed, Corporal? Not so much hearing steps behind you as it is minding your own business when, for no apparent reason, you find that the hairs on the back of your neck are all standing up."

"Nah I don't." She swallows a mouthful of whiskey, finding that it burns even more now. "Sounds like paranoia if you ask me. There was something I read once, a man who'd devoted his life to categorizing the way our minds work, he mentioned something like that. Something about how the conscious mind under stress sends signals to the subconscious mind which triggers your body to get ready to either fight, or flee. Think he called it acute awareness; your senses peak and you become hypersensitive to the smallest things."

"I believe that theory was based on the workings of a guilty conscience, was it not?"

"Was it?" She swirls the glass that is now only half full, and hears the familiar humming in her ears that comes with her intoxication. "I spoke out of line then, pardon me. I did not mean to insinuate that you had been up to anything that would require you to suffer from a guilty conscience."

"Acute awareness or not, it is only considered paranoia if your feeling of being watched is imagined. You see I've been asking myself – Is it possible to be pursued by a shadow? Sometimes I swear there's something I see just out of the corner of my eye, but when I turn there is nothing there but shadows."

"Are you asking me if I believe in the supernatural?"

"What is natural really? If we were to start discussing philosophy now we might be here for a while. My question is simpler than that. Do you think there are things around us that we cannot see with our eyes?"

She sucks in another mouthful of smoke, looking at him through half closed eyelids. She lets the smoke trickle out between her lips slowly. "Of course there are. People's thoughts and ideas exist, yet we can't see them. In the dark we are blind, but I'm fully convinced that the world around us, and everything in it is still there." She drinks the last of her whiskey.

"Yes, I suppose that is so" Zeke replies, and though it is mostly concealed by his beard, she can see that his mouth is tight. She smiles disarmingly, and imagines that some of the tension drains from his face.

"It's alright to be a little stressed and paranoid in this day and age. Most people might not understand why I sleep with a knife under my pillow, in fact I count on that they do not, but we see things most people don't. Sometimes I meet someone kind, and find myself wondering when I'll see it, the monster hiding underneath their bed. Everyone's not an enemy though. There are actually some decent people who are not morons still around, and thank god for that or I'd become a complete misanthrope."

"I always theorized that soldiers were true optimists" Zeke comments and sips his drink, leaning back in an open gesture. She was about to argue against him when there's a knock at the door.

She raises her voice. "Enter!"

Porco Galliard steps inside, and stops so abruptly when his eyes fall on her and Zeke that Pieck who follows behind him crashes into him and is almost sent sprawling on the floor. She reels and grabs onto his arm to keep upright. Iris raises her cigarette towards them.

"Welcome" she smiles.

"This looks cosy" Pieck comments softly, and Iris cannot tell if she looks alarmed or at ease. Her eyes have a lazy tilt that makes her look sleepy most of the time, yet she always seems to recall conversations and events with uncanny clarity.

"What's going on?" Galliard looks openly suspicious, as if he expects any friendly gathering between marleyans and eldians to be a trap of some kind.

"We are celebrating, come in, sit down. What can I get for you two, something sweet or something spicy?" She blinks at them in a good humored way that most men will take as flirtation and wiggles over to Alfred's well stocked shelf yet another time. She hears them sit down, and she asks herself where Reiner is. Is he alright? Is he going to be late?

"Whiskey is alright" she hears from Porco.

"Just a little one for me" Pieck shoots in when she sees Iris pour a full glass for Porco. Iris fills Pieck's glass about half full, and fills her own again for good measure. The alcohol now burns like a fire in her, and she sees little dust particles swirl in the air before her in slow motion almost as if reality around her is slowly grinding to a halt. Colors in her field of vision flare brightly, and objects are illuminated with an alluring glow. Her body sings to her, hyperaware despite her lazy movements. She feels strong, no, invincible. A lovely poison, it is. Jun tries to keep her off it a lot of the time, and that tells her that there is some kind of downside to this insane high that allows her to perceive everything possible, and do things that should be impossible. But who cares really? It's not like they are going to live long enough to grow old and sickly anyway. Same goes for smoking, who the fuck really cares? Perhaps the alcohol burns the black from her lungs as well, just like it does with a lot of other things. If Jun's really that concerned he can just get this thumb out of his ass and learn how to write down his warnings, because she ain't no god damned mind reader... Alright, perhaps using a double negative is taking it a little bit too far.

As she draws breath the smells of the people in the room are so vivid she can almost taste them on the tip of her tongue. She cannot help but smile to herself as she rides the high. The first time it happened to her she had been afraid, but Jun had indicated that the reaction was expected.

As she turns to head over to the two newcomers, her ears pick up the sound of Reiner entering the building two floors down. There's another step next to his, light but assertive. It's a child, and its heartbeats are rapid, excited. She hands the glasses to the two warriors who politely thank her. There are dark circles underneath the younger Galliard brother's eyes, and his water combed hair looks unwashed. Briefly she wonders how old he really is. It is honestly difficult for her to tell. He has the light build and pure skin of a young man, but his face is slightly gaunt. And the eyes... those eyes are just like Reiner's, sad and haunted. She's not supposed to care about these people, they are inconsequential. But when she sees those sad eyes she does wish that he did not have to feel this way.

She might be feeling just a little bit guilty for continuously poisoning him as well... But it's not like it's going to kill him, and she is pretty sure that once they stop dosing him he'll go back to normal. They are all means to an end, can't have him experiencing an epiphany about why she probably seems familiar to him. There's still the risk of him finding her face floating around inside that scrambled, frantic brain of his, but she wonders if he could make enough sense of it to figure out who she had been. He does a good job at hiding just how messed up he must feel right now, she must admit. These warriors really had been chosen for being extraordinary, all of them.

Speaking of Reiner, he has reached the top floor now and is headed their way. He smells of soap today, and his clothes are clean. She turns around as if to pick up her own drink, not wanting to look like she was expecting him as he knocks on the door. She calls for him to enter, turning to him to smile as he does so.

"Ah Vice Captain, welcome. We are celebrating, would you like a drink?"

He looks surprised, and his mouth falls open in an almost comical way. She notices that he has shaved off his stubble from yesterday. He looks good, larger somehow now that he is well groomed and dressed in neat, clean clothing. He recovers from his surprise and his face settles into the usual troubled frown that he wears these days.

"Sure... but why?"

"Like I said to the Warchief here, that party the other night was a little anti-climactic." She fills a glass of whiskey for him, knowing that he won't mind much what he drinks. With a little plop, a small droplet of the deep amber liquid breaks free from the stream pouring into the glass, and smears on the side of the glass. She thinks of how differently it behaves from water, almost as if it is heavier than good old H2O but less viscous at the same time.

Reiner accepts the glass she hands him and looks at her searchingly. That is when she starts feeling guilty. Masking her irritation, she leans back against Alfred's brand new desk. It's difficult for her to focus on one thing at a time, when a thousand impressions and thoughts are speeding through her brain. The warriors' bodies are warm, very warm, glowing before her eyes. Except for their napes... She discovered that weeks ago inside the dugout at Syrkov Pass, and it has intrigued her ever since. It's as if they're cooler there... or... denser? Pieck and Zeke share a look between them, and Iris realizes that she is staring. She is just about to say something thoughtless when Alfred steps into the room without knocking. He freezes momentarily, looks to her and she hears him exhale in a small sigh.

"Good morning to you all. What is the occasion?" He walks to her side, looking at her in a fatherly, judgmental kind of way. Not for the first time Iris thinks of how different her life might have been if he had actually been her father. It could have been good, she supposes.

"I thought that we would just share a toast between us, and I thought you wouldn't be inclined to join in."

His eyebrows shot up his forehead, though he did not roll his eyes at her. She thought that he'd wanted to do it though. She raises her glass to the others, and flashes what she knows is a crooked, humorless smile.

"To our great deeds, our nation, and a beautiful life." She knocks back the entire glass in one go. Then she slams the glass down onto the polished wood surface, hoping that it was going to dent it.

"Holt..." He gives her a long, disapproving look. She raises her hands.

"It's fine, I'm done anyway." She swipes the glass from the table, avoiding Reiner's searching eyes as she puts it on the tray atop the sideboard. Some other poor sod would have to clean it, not her problem. "Shall we get started?"

She sits down next to Pieck, making sure there were a good few inches of space between them. With every movement she makes the envelope pressed against her back rustles, and to her ears it sounds so loud she is half surprised that no one inside the room seems to notice except for her. Her heart thunders inside her chest. Too much booze, again. This was about the worst place in the world to be losing your shit, she better get herself together. The paper pressed against her naked skin feels red hot, and she is sweating now. She hopes it will not soak through, at least not to the point where the documents will be ruined.

She swallows and tries to slow her racing thoughts, and she watches Reiner out of the corner of her eye though she keeps her face turned towards Alfred. Reiner listens intently to the captain, a picture of professionality in his trench coat with that red band attached to his upper left arm. A band that sits there to let the entire world know that he is dirty. Sometimes she feels resentful towards him, but the angry part of her isn't exactly being fair about it all; it's just hurting. At first she found it hard to contain it, but lashing out had not made her feel better at all. Now she looks at that red band that would strip Reiner of his humanity, and she thinks that what she told him about not needing to be forgiven yesterday was wrong. She needs to forgive him. It won't make her anger subside, but her rage is not what is important right now.

She listens to Alfred with complete disinterest as he goes through the status report. Things are bad on the front lines, big shocker. He drones on about budgets and expenses, performance reports and the development of new armaments for the jaw and the cart titans. It is supposedly impressive that they are planning to equip the cart titan with an armored unit housing four machine guns. It would be handy, she has to admit. The enemy would no longer be able to dig down, forcing them to send waves upon waves of infantry into the range of their machine guns. But four machine guns posed upon a moving independent unit like Pieck... she wonders how much friendly fire there will be. Imagine that, squeezing the trigger and feeling the gun roar to life in your hands, the recoil being strong enough to knock the air right out of you... and then post that you're mounted on swings around or tilts to avoid oncoming missiles, and you find yourself spraying bullets into your own kind. That's gonna suck _big time_. Hell of a thing to live with.

When Alfred seems to be winding down Iris finds that Reiner is glancing her way. He has drunk most of the whiskey she had poured for him, and she wonders what he is thinking about. Since she would like to avoid being seen scheduling a visit to his house in public, she catches his eye. Hoping that he knows Morse code she glances down to the index finger on her right hand, the hand that is the furthest away from the others, and taps out a short message against the side of her thigh. It does not really matter much if the people in this room come to believe they are having an affair, at least not to her estimation. It happens all the time though it is not supposed to, and most of the time it won't matter unless you get in trouble with the authorities for something else you've done, like having a kid that fails its first blood test. Reiner subtly glances at her message, and she believes that he had understood because he clasps his hands together on his lap. He was always a quick study, she likes that. It is also a sign of the old Reiner still in there somewhere.

Once they seem to be done Iris jumps up, making an effort to act as if she is a little bit drunk for good measure. Outside she hears Philip and Colt speaking, but there's a third person there. Perhaps it is Colt's younger brother. After hearing the way Reiner's cousin spoke of him the other night, she would like the opportunity to have a good look at the boy. She glances at her wristwatch, eleven thirty. Jun should be back by now.

"Is that all, captain?"

"Busy, are you?"

"Oh yes" she smiles.

"Come to dinner at our house tonight, but don't bring him along."

"As you wish, sir" she submits.

"You're all dismissed."

The warrior unit quietly moves towards the door, knowing they are not expected to make any reply to their dismissal. Iris follows behind them, impatient at this slow moving pace. Once out of the room she moves to push past them through the hall. Reiner has trailed slightly behind the others, and as she moves past him she lets her hand brush across the small of his back.

"Pleasure as always, warriors" she bubbles as she takes the lead in front of them, making sure to slur her words just a little bit. She stomps down the hall at a much quicker pace than the others, jogging down the flights of stairs and exiting the building at the same pace. Outside she takes a small detour to say hello to Colt, Philip and the boy slumped on the ground named Falco. She hurries on within a couple of minutes, satisfied to have met Colt's brother at last. They're good boys all three of them. And though she was rather displeased with that Jannik Vinther at first, the little shit is growing on her. Narrow minded and convinced of his own superiority he might be, but he is straight talking, not unkind and absolutely terrified of her. It's rather funny actually, seeing him almost trip over himself in his rush to get away from her sometimes.

She jogs in what feels like slow motion, ignoring the looks she gets from some of the people milling about in the streets on their merry way to "whatever it is people do all day". People here are always so well dressed, she reflects as she veers to avoid knocking a young mother down as she passes. Her toddler gives Iris a wide eyed stare as she passes, and Iris is struck by that feeling of alienation that she always feels around small children. Up ahead a Zeppelin glides into view, massive but elegant at the same time. The first time she saw one she could do nothing but stop and stare, making the soldiers in her platoon think of her as a country bumpkin. No one is laughing at her anymore though.

She turns left onto Heisstrasse and slows her pace to a walk even though she is not tired or out of breath. Better not come barging full throttle through Mrs. Bjergsen's front door. Iris's nose tells her that the woman is home, but then she is home a lot. She rarely has any visitors either. Iris would have thought that the woman would be surrounded by admirers and opportunist women looking to make their way up the social ladder, thanks to her husband being a decorated colonel. But Mrs. Bjergsen seems to be the odd one out, too shy or perhaps too conscientious to play the social game. Instead she spends most of her time alone in her house, no doubt cherishing the times spent together with her son, and dreading her husband's next visit.

Iris finds the woman sitting by a window inside the drawing room. She has a small leather-bound book in her left hand, and a cup of green tea in the other.

"Miss Holt" Herta lights up in one of her rare smiles. "Your friend came in earlier. He looked rather tired and hungry the poor thing, so I made him some lunch. He's waiting for you upstairs."

"How kind of you Mrs. Bjergsen, I thank you."

"It's the least I can do when you've been so good to my boy."

To her own amazement Iris feels her knees bend in a little curtsy, and she hopes that Herta will not notice that her pupils are oddly dilated. She gets ready to hurry up the stairs when her curiosity gets the better of her.

"Mrs. Bjergsen, if you don't mind me asking, what do you make of Jun?"

She seems to contemplate her reply for a moment. "He's rather grim, isn't he? And perhaps just a little bit shy... But then I don't think people have been kind to him, so it's not that surprising is it?" She smiles apologetically. "Please, don't tell him I said that."

"My lips are sealed."

She leaves Mrs. Bjergsen and heads up the stairs. The woman had insisted that her guests would have separate rooms, which Iris found rather ironic but chose not to argue against. It was kind of Philip's mother to offer them a place to stay, and they really were in no position to complain.

She opens her door and steps inside, already having sensed Jun's presence though he is much more difficult to detect than most people, even when she's been hitting the juice. Iris struggles out of her jacket, tossing it to the side before she gets the envelope out and sinks to the floor with her legs crossed.

"Heard that you've made a friend of Mrs. Bjergsen, perhaps it's a good thing we're not staying longer." She bares her teeth in a wolfish grin and looks up at Jun who is seated on her bed. He does look tired, but he will get some sleep soon. His impassive stare lets her know that he doesn't condone her careless consumption of alcohol, but honestly, she had to get that damn taste out of her mouth.

"Ah, don't look at me that way. If you had to deal with that fucking asswipe Engels you'd drink too."

Jun gets up from her bed, and sits down next to her. Her heart is beating so fast it makes her hand unsteady, and she stares at it, willing it to stop shaking but it defies her. With a grimace she opens the envelope and pulls out a map which she unfolds onto the floor. The three encrypted letters containing the battle plans for S Company and the Warrior unit are there as well, and at first glance she knows that she will never be able to break the encryption on her own. Engels must have thought that she would never actually learn what was in these letters. It probably gave him pleasure to think that she was selling herself for nothing.

But Engels does not know about Private Philip Bjergsen, the one who really wrote the Valkyrie-code. Very few do. Getting her hands on Bjergsen was a real stroke of luck, or of fate. Translating these encrypted and top secret battle plans for her will be an act of high treason, but she has no doubt that Philip will do it. He trusts her... and well, honestly, he is in love with her. It's kind of sweet actually. Perhaps she ought to have put an end to his hopes the moment she realized what was happening, but she chose not to. What harm can it do? When the world seems so cold it's nice to feel wanted. And though she hates to admit it, a part of her knew that his love could prove useful. People do extreme things for the people they love.

Philip will help her commit treason, and he won't realize what it is that he has gone past the point of no return. If it all goes according to plan no one will ever know; all he needs to do is find a way to live with the knowing of what part he played in her scheme.

"Look" she says, pointing to three spots on the map that are marked in red. These are the places where the plans will be executed. From underneath her mattress she pulls out another map detailing the lands that lay south of the Allied Mid-East, and places it next to the strategy map.

"There, look how close it will take us. We might never get another opportunity this good, especially not if Marley win this war." She sat up, looking into Jun's black eyes. "Zeke is suspicious. He is unsure of what he thinks is happening, but if he decides that we are a threat to whatever plans he has he will try to get rid of us. Did you find anything out?"

Jun nods, and pulls a little notebook from his pocket. He produced a little reservoir pen from his breast pocket, and onto the paper of the first blank page he draws out the Hizuru flag.

"What, Zeke met with Hizuru?"

Jun looks at her, blinking his eyes slowly in a flirtatious way.

"A woman eh. Alright..."

He draws something that looks like a cylinder, and for a moment she feels thoroughly mystified. But then he begins to add several fixings onto the cylinder, and she feels her mouth fall open as she stares in awe.

"What the- ... Shit, Zeke, how long have you had that hidden away? Why in the world would you be showing it to someone from Hizuru? ... Ah I don't get it." She shakes her head in frustration while Jun looks on, puzzled.

"I'm so sick of these stupid games!" She pounds her closed fist against the floor, regretting it only a moment later. What if Philips mother heard and is on her way up? She listens, but to her relief the woman remains by her window. She closes her eyes.

"We'll do it there, it has to work." Rising to her feet she folds the maps back up. "Can you stow these away somewhere I don't know about? I'm going to see him now, and after that I need to head to Alfred's place. Do whatever you want the rest of the day."

Jun takes the maps and the papers from her, and stands there waiting as she changes out of her sweaty camisole. She dabs just a tiny bit of scented oil behind her ears, wishing she had something to wash the scent of whiskey from her breath. She is going to stay in uniform in case she is seen on her way there. Looking down at herself she wonders if she looks alright... Does it even matter if she looks alright?

Of course it matters, she's going to go see _Reiner_. She rubs her face with her palm.

"Wish me luck." She puts a hand on Jun's shoulder. He gives her a long silent look that she does not know how to interpret, before he inclines his head. She smiles and exits the room. Iris calls to Herta that she is going out as she hurries through the hallway, and then she's out on the stairs and on her way.

She thinks back to the muddy fields on that wet, misty morning that she found Jun. What had drawn her to the place was the smoke seen in the sky. Her going had been slow and stumbling, and he pain she felt somewhere around lower abdomen scared her. Perhaps she was bleeding on the inside. The weapon she had stolen felt like it weighed a hundred pounds, and she was forced to half drag it along the ground behind her. The hills up ahead covered her view, but the smell alerted her to what was waiting on the other side. The ground was uneven where hundreds of feet had shuffled across, and she tripped, almost falling on her face in the wet grass. If she fell here, perhaps she would not be able to get back up. Creeping over the precipice she crouched down in case there were watchers on the outer walls, but one look towards the houses up ahead told her there was little risk of that. The village was burning, almost half of it already turned into blackened husk. And apart from the roaring flames the world was silent around her. Below she saw the bodies of men, hundreds of them. She went and picked through their pockets, noticing that half of the dead looked like mercenaries. They were shabby, broad and their weapons ranged from rifles to crossbows, to sabers. The rest of the dead were no doubt slaves. Small, sinewy, just as shabby as the mercenaries, but these men wore no protective gear. They looked to have been equipped with two short, curved blades. She brushed one man's hair aside to expose the nape of his neck, and found the symbol of an eye tattooed there in black ink. The iris of the eye was adorned with a black cross instead of a pupil. Though she was familiar with many of the warlord's markings she had never seen this one before. None of the men had been carrying any food or water. One of the forces must have been defending this place, but the other force should have been equipped with some provisions. She figured that the victors had gathered the scraps before setting the village on fire. Did it mean that the attackers had won? She had been too weak and too hungry to turn away from this opportunity, and the place seemed to be abandoned. So she had crept close while she imagined that every crouched movement tore the holes inside her wider, and thought that she could feel the blood slowly filling her abdomen.

She had been wrong though, the place had not been as abandoned as it seemed. The mercenaries had been the victors, and they had pillaged the town before setting it on fire. They were just about to hang the last slave warrior, the one they believed to be their commander, not knowing that slave armies did not have commanders. That was when Iris laid eyes on him for the first time, Jun. She thought that the man standing on an upturned bucket with a noose around his neck seemed conflicted. In one moment he seemed ready to die. Perhaps he had been abandoned by his master, or the master was dead too. But then it was as if his body acted on its own, reflexively fighting to survive despite all odds. He had somehow gotten his legs up and around one of the men's neck, and before his companions had time enough to raise their weapons Jun had wrenched the man's head to the side, snapping his neck. Iris could not remember thinking much at that moment. She just raised her own rifle and shot the two mercenaries closest to the bound man. After that everything had been frantic, and to this day it seemed unlikely to her that she had gotten out of there alive. She had been lying on her back in the dirt at the end when Jun's face hovered into view. For a moment she had thought it was Reiner who had come, and she had been glad that he was here in her time of dying.

Jun did not seem to be in a mind to let her die though. He cleaned and cauterized the wound where a bullet had ripped through her shoulder. To her fright he lifted her shirt up, but he simply felt along her abdomen with his fingertips, pressing lightly, listening to her moans of pain. He had made her drink something from a flask, and made an improvised gurney that he placed her on. Then he began to drag her along the road. He had simply ignored her weak protests, and had offered no reply when she had asked him where they were going. She will probably never know why he chose her, but without him her journey would have ended that day.

Iris shakes her head as she walks down Heinrichstrasse and turns onto Hausburgerplatz. It isn't like her to be sentimental, maybe she really ought to drink less. She makes a promise to herself: If her plan works she will change, she'll be better.

The guards at the gate to Liberio today are the same ones that were there yesterday, and the day before that. Is this all they do, guard this damned gate all the time? That's gotta be a mind numbing chore if anything. They recognize her, only giving her papers a lazy look over before opening the gate for her. The shorter one mutters something about there being a lot of traffic today under his breath, no doubt certain that she won't be able to hear his comment.

Once inside Liberio she heads towards the area of Liberio where Reiner's mother's house is. To call it his house would be an exaggeration since his mother was moved there after he got chosen to inherit the armored titan, and he was sent to Paradis not too long after that. He has slept more nights inside the boy's barracks during their days in training than he has in his own house. She got the sense that he doesn't much like going home. Not that he has said it; they have barely had any time to talk to each other in private. But there was something in his eyes when they found out that they were heading home that made her believe he was not glad to go.

She looks at the faded façade of the building to her left. The windows are covered in a thin layer of dirt, and in one of them the glass has been broken. The owner of the residence has nailed over the broken window, perhaps in an attempt to keep the cold out during winter. The dirt road feels uneven beneath her feet. And yet there is something here that she likes. With the rations system in place people here are not technically poor, at least not according to popular belief, but to her it feels like the Eldian community has built something from nothing. There is warmth here. Kids play in the streets, and as thin and ragged as they look, they are laughing. People at the market stalls don't haggle, but share things in a way you'd never see on the outside. She is almost sad that she cannot be a part of this place. Where does she belong, if anywhere? Tomorrow she will bring something for Karina. But what would be worth something to her? Reiner will know. That's his house up ahead to the right now.

She taps the door gently and it swings open just a couple of seconds later as if he has been standing just inside, waiting for her. She looks up at his face, and thinks that he looks happy to see her. There's the hint of a smile in his golden eyes. She often wonders where he got those eyes from, deep and ever changing depending on the light. Letting a little smile settle on her lips, she salutes him.

"Good afternoon, Vice Captain Braun" she says loud enough for his mother to hear, she hopes. The skin around the corners of his eyes creases, and his mouth tightens a little. Coming from him that's a suppressed smile.

"She is not home. Come inside?" The last part is asked as a question, as if he is afraid of overstepping and offending her. Iris steps over the threshold and motions for him to shut the door behind her.

"Even if she is not at home there are people in the street outside. Sheesh, how did you ever manage to live within the walls for years without being discovered? You're supposed to be good at this undercover bullshit." It comes out more harshly than she had intended. Reiner looks uncertain for a moment, then he frowns and turns away from her.

"Yeah. How did I manage that... beats me."

"Reiner" she hurries to say, and feels a twinge of guilt inside. "I'm just... We need to keep up appearances."

"You're right. I've forgotten how to do these things, or at least I think I've forgotten. Nevermind that... would you like a hot beverage?" He grimaces a little and smiles as if he finds the choice of words ridiculous, rubbing the back of his head with his hand. "It's instant coffee and tastes like donkey's piss if I'm honest, but it's all we've got."

"The way you're blushing I was beginning to wonder if 'hot beverage' was some kind of euphemism. I'll have some coffee, I mean, how bad can it be?" She blinks at him, and sees how he suppresses another smile. He walks into the other room, the one that passes for a kitchen diner. In the corner there's a water pump with a hand crank on it, and he uses it to pour water into a small pot. He crouches down onto the floor in order to light the stove as she quietly watches him work. The top button of his shirt is undone because shirts are always too tight around his broad neck. If he had been born Marleyan he could have had some tailored for him... but she always kind of liked the haphazard look on him. She liked the contrast between that and his carefully arranged facial expressions.

"I was forced to drink purified horse urine on my way across Osman. It was kind of weird at first I'll admit, but I got used to it. The booze they make from it though" she shudders. Reiner's head pops up over the stove top.

"You went across Osman? Why?"

Iris draws closer to him, and leans back against the wall next to the kitchen cabinet.

"I'll give you the full story once we're upstairs, but let's just say I wanted to go around the Mid-East. My options were crossing Rossiya and then Hizuru, or go through Osman."

"Isn't Osman wild country filled with barbarian warlords?" There was a streak of worry in his voice. The comment made her feel a little surge of anger inside. Worried about her wellbeing was he, the hypocrite. Perhaps he saw the shadow pass across her face, because he turned his eyes down. Damn, hadn't she just earlier decided to put her anger aside? It was easy to say, harder to do. She had to do it though, or she would end up pushing him away.

"Don't be square Reiner" she replies, trying to make the comment sound playful. "Who told you that, the Marleyans?"

"It's not true then I guess. Figures. I'm not even surprised."

"Erh, well they're not completely wrong. The Osmani bow to their emperor, but it is wild country for the most part I suppose. Marley's very good at editing the truth to suit their needs."

"I thought I'd never see the day when you would compliment my homeland."

She smiles thinly. Yes, it might seem like a strange thing for her to say, but she has come to hold great respect for this giant beast of a nation. To deny its prowess would be rather arrogant, especially now that she has seen it first-hand. Their way is the only right way, assimilate what you can and destroy the rest. Very effective.

The water is boiling now, and he takes the pot off the stove. He produces two cups from somewhere below the counter, and puts a spoonful of freeze dried coffee into each cup. Their fingers touch as he hands her the cup, and it feels nice.

"Did you really think I'd just move on?" she asks him softly.

"It seemed to be your only option."

"Oh no, you really are square." They both smile a little.

"Sorry." He is still just barely smiling, but there's another expression hidden underneath it. She sips from her cup, grimaces slightly and shudders.

"You really were not joking... this is awful." Her tone is light, and when Reiner opens his mouth to offer her another sheepish apology she reaches out and touches his elbow, effectively silencing him. "Let's go."

He nods and moves past her. With long strides he walks out of the room and across the next room towards the narrow stairs. She can still smell the whiskey on him, but most of all he smells like Reiner. Perfume vendors prattle on about cedar wood, myrrh, essence oils and all that shit, but she has yet to meet one that could distill the essence of a person. That old shirt of his that she had worn until she feared it would crumble, and that she had carried with her through fire and brimstone ever since; it still smells faintly of him. That's why she could never throw it away. She even had to rescue the damned thing out of a burning building once, because she felt like if she lost it then she would have lost the very last piece of him.

"Are you feeling alright?" His voice snaps her out of her train of thought, and for a moment her mind is rendered blank.

"What?"

"The whiskey. And you looked a little upset this morning."

"I'm quite alright, just had some pesky business to tend to and then had a little too much to drink. But I'm feeling better now." She hopes that her words will deter him from pressing her about it, while sounding non-dismissive at the same time. It is only half successful, she feels.

"Strange, I can still kind of feel the glass I had."

"You shouldn't have skipped breakfast."

He stops so abruptly she bumps into him and is forced to grab onto his shirt not to lose her balance on the stairs. Her coffee cup spews some of its dark, stale sludge onto her sleeve.

"Sorry" he says and places a hand on her back to steady her. "But how did you know that?"

"I was just guessing" She blinks at him. "You should eat better."

He smiles crookedly, and momentarily seems to forget about the weight of the world on his shoulders. "Says you, scrawnier than ever."

"Careful now Vice Captain."

Smiling, he shakes his head at her and continues up the stairs. At the precipice he turns to the first door on the right, opens it and steps aside to let her through first. The room is small and scruffy. There's a narrow bed, a dresser, a chair by the window and not much else, unless you count the clothing that has been carelessly tossed on the floor. Iris drinks her coffee, remembering an unmade bed inside a small room from long ago. There had been a few pairs crumpled up socks on the floor as if their owner had carelessly tossed them there, thinking to pick them up later. Except that he had never returned. Reiner closes the door and then spends a moment just standing there, looking over the mess inside. He runs his hand through his hair, and she sees his cheeks flush.

"I should have cleaned up" he says, and downs his coffee in one go. It must burn his throat, but he doesn't let it show. Instead he sets the cup down atop the dresser, and bends over to gather up some of his dirty clothing in one hand. She watches him for a moment with mild amusement. Then she puts her cup down on the floor next to the door, moves to him and grabs his free arm. He lets her turn him around towards her, but seems unprepared for the way she wraps her hand around his neck and pushes herself up against him. Their lips come together, and the clothes that he had gathered in his right hand drop back onto the floor. His arms wrap around her, and his fervent kisses makes her heart pound loud and hard inside her chest. The alcohol fueled high makes her lose herself in his smell, the warmth radiating from his body, the sweet taste of his mouth.

She tears at his clothing, eager to feel his skin against hers, desperate to be touched by someone who loves her. Why did he have to wear a damned button up shirt, even if it looks good on him? With growing frustration she struggles to unbutton it without ripping any of the buttons clean off, which is her real inclination. They struggle around and she thinks he might be smiling through their kisses, the smug bastard. As soon as his shirt is open she leaves it to him to wriggle out of the sleeves. She wraps her arms around his hot, soft skin and runs her hands along his back, feeling the ridges of his spine underneath her fingertips. He has lost a lot of weight in a short amount of time, and his skin feels a little looser than it used to, creasing as she tugs him closer. Once free he tugs her jacket off, and underneath it there's just her camisole and brassiere. Some of her hair gets caught a little as he pulls the camisole over her head but it's fine, she can barely feel it. She unbuttons her own bra before he can have a go at it, too impatient for any fumbling, and tosses it aside. His gaze feels hot on hers when he pulls her to him again, and through their heated kisses he navigates her to his narrow bed where he lays her back. He kneels to untie her boots, pulling them off one by one while she unbuttons her trousers and pushes them and her undergarments down across her hips. "Get off already" she thinks to herself, yanking at the stiff fabric.

Seeing that she is managing her trousers on her own, he steps back and gets his shoes off. Then he straightens and lets his smoldering eyes rest on her where she lays now, completely naked. Her first instinct is to shield herself, and it makes her a little sad to feel that way. She pushes back the instinct and lets him look at her. The feeling of being vulnerable and exposed is gone within a moment, replaced with something else. He looks at her as if she is desirable. Now that her own irrational fear has quieted she takes a good look at him, feeling a familiar tingle in her fingertips. Whatever it is that is reflected in her eyes, it seems to make him shy as he steps out of his last bits of clothing. He stands there with his cheeks flushed, perhaps waiting for her to give her some cue of what's to happen now, but she just looks at him. It's been so long since it was just the two of them, but at the same time it feels like no time at all. It's as if everything inside her has been frozen in a perpetual state since the day he went and left her. She looks at his broad-shouldered frame, smaller and stringier now than it once was. The muscle used to bulge from him, now there's more of a hint of them underneath his thin skin. Those delicate hands that looked almost feminine in contrast with his stocky build then now look as if they really do belong to him. Has he ever been more beautiful than he is now?

This is better than last time, last time was all wrong. She had wanted to talk but the drink made her on edge. She had wanted to feel his hands on her, wanted to feel him inside her, thinking that maybe she could forget about all the rest for a moment. Had she cared about how he felt about it? He hadn't told her to stop so she hadn't, but it had been all wrong. The tears at the end had frightened her. She had forgotten how much that stern face could keep hidden. It had dawned on her that she had used him without asking for consent or caring about how he felt. But how could she apologise? He had used her and doing the same to him should have made her feel better, but she had only felt wretched.

She sits up, pushes herself back onto the center if the shoddy little mattress and beckons him to her. He is quick to obey which is good, because if he took too long she might not be able to hold back the tears she feels burning at the back of her eyes. He crawls up between her thighs, wraps an arm around her and places soft kisses upon her lips as he lays her down. When he grabs her wrists and pushes them down into the mattress, pinning her down underneath him her stomach swirls with excitement. Then he becomes still, and she does not understand why. Then she sees that he is looking at her left wrist, and he moves his hand a little to get a better look.

"Iris" His voice is low. He lets his thumb brush across the red, uneven skin. "What are..."

"It's nothing" she hurries to say, not wanting him to stop now. He frowns, seemingly unconvinced.

"These look like-"

"Rope burns" she finishes for him. Then she pries her hand free and uses it to push his face down to hers so she can kiss him again. She wraps her legs around him, and as he leans in closer to her she pushes her hips up, rubbing herself against his erection. He does not ask her any more questions after that.

Afterwards they lie next to each other for a moment. The bed is narrow and the mattress is pretty lumpy, but she doesn't mind. He had been shy and awkward, eager to please her she thought but unsure of what she wanted. Perhaps he really had been telling the truth when he'd said that his affair with that Eldian bitch was just a one off. She really wanted to believe in the things he said, but there was always the little voice in the back of her mind that whispered that he had lied before, why not now too? What was another little white lie if he hoped to spare her feelings? She wasn't sure of which option she liked less, another lie or a detailed description of the whole fuckscapade. It wasn't the fact that he'd stuck it in someone that was the problem, not really. He had turned to someone else for closeness, gratification, whatever it was, while she had been half a world away reeling from his betrayal and facing the fact that her entire life was a lie. He had replaced her with someone else, and that hurt so much she wanted to _puke_. She had put those feelings to the side for now, and when he'd seemed troubled and uncertain in bed she had put what she had learned about how to please men to good use; using her hands and her mouth to make him forget about whatever it was jingling around inside that brain of his. While she knows that she is good with her mouth, the real secret is in the more subtle things you do like the way you caress him, the look in your eyes and where you let them linger, and so on. She had enjoyed doing it now, because it was with him.

He tries to put an arm around her, but she sits up.

"We need to get dressed." She shuffles to the end of the bed and begins to look around for her clothing. There's something in his eyes she can't read as he pushes himself up. When he turns away from her to sit at the end of the bed without a word however, she knows that something is amiss. Damn it, was it something she said? She can't think of what it would be. Instead she turns around and crawls over to him on all fours. She wraps her arms around him from behind, hoping to squash the tension in between their naked bodies.

"You mother might come home, we can't be caught like this" she murmurs while feeling that she's missing the point, but she doesn't know what else to say.

"She already knows how I feel about you. Looked like she had seen a ghost when I came home yesterday, and she's barely said a word to me since."

"Don't you want to spare her of having to keep quiet about finding her son in bed with a Marleyan?"

"I do."

She can tell there's still something unspoken between them, because his body feels rigid in her arms.

"So what is on your mind then?" she asks softly.

He inhales as if to brace himself for what he is about to say, but exhales without managing to get a word out. He tries again.

"Was that... alright? I'm a little rusty"

Her first impulse is to laugh, but she stops herself. Then her brain connects the dots together, and she realizes that he must be thinking of what she had said to him last night after he had mentioned the Eldian bitch for the second time. Long ago she had vowed to keep some things to herself in order to spare him, and it had been wrong of her to say what she did. But he had kept poking at her wounds until she wanted to either track that whore down to poke her full of holes, or bite back at him. The words had slipped out, and now she can't take them back. She does not feel like laughing anymore.

"It's not like I had planned to jot down a performance report, but yes. I'd very much like to do it again, soon." Humor, her most preferred method of deflection. But there's truth in her words, and perhaps that's what he hears because he relaxes. All men in some lesser way feel like the sun rises and sets at the tip of their penis, or so she figures.

"Good, that's what I was thinking too."

She feels like it's safe to let him go now, and climbs off the bed. She scurries around the room, plucking items of clothing off the floor, either tossing them his way without looking, or gathering them up in her hand. When she straightens and looks around, she sees that he's been watching her the entire time with obvious appreciation showing on his face.

"Did I ever tell you that you're beautiful?"

She thinks about it for a moment.

"No."

He smiles sheepishly and scratches the stubble on his chin.

"Damn what a charmer I was. You never stood a chance, did you?"

The smile that spreads on her face is so wide it pulls at her cheeks. It feels so good to hear him cracking jokes.

"I was too floored when you called me your 'weird friend' to resist." She winks at him and steps into her trousers. He groans.

"Eugh, don't remind me. Thanks for not punching me in the face." He gets up and puts his underwear on, much to her dismay. She liked the view and would prefer to just stay in this moment a while longer, half naked and reminiscing about happier times. She wiggles into her bra.

"You had just called me your friend, the rest seemed unimportant somehow."

He pauses with his shirt in his hands with a genuine smile on his face, and at that moment he looks his age. "Nineteen, god he's still just a boy" she thinks, strangely weirded out by the realization that she must be twenty one by now. She had missed her own birthday.

They both focus on getting into their clothes and she even walks over to the side of the door to pick up her cup of coffee. There's only a little left, but she drinks it even though it is lukewarm by now. Then they look at each other, a little uncertain of how to do this next part.

"Alright, so... time to talk. You're probably wondering what happened on Paradis." She sighs. "Where do I begin though?" She turns and looks out the one window in the room, and sees a group of men standing together in the street outside. They are talking, and judging by the way they're smiling they are friends.

"First of all I have a question for you." He looks down to his hands on his lap. "If you can, please don't get angry - I just want to know... Did they send you? Is my family in danger?"

She turns to him fully, feeling the warmth from the window against her back. This damned summer seems intent on lasting forever. For a long time she just looks at him.

"Would you turn against me if I said yes?" It takes her some effort to ask the question.

"No. I've assumed you are working for them this entire time."

"What a spot you're putting me in here. If I _was_ working for them there is no way I could tell you, you understand that right?"

He looks sad, or at least she thinks that's sadness in his features. "Because you can't trust me."

"No I can't, not right now. And you can't trust me either, can you?"

"I'd want to. I really would." He rubs his face with the palm of his hand. She walks over to him, leans in until their faces are just inches apart.

"Trust can be rebuilt." She smiles mildly. Reiner seems to think it over for a few seconds, then he nods solemnly. She walks back to the window and leans against its frame. She wonders where the story really began; after she met Reiner, or before? This would have to be the boiled down version though, because as always their time together is limited.

"I lost you once, you know. In Shiganshina. I was part of the first assault with the thunderspears... perhaps you don't remember any of it?"

His deadpan face reveals nothing of how he felt hearing this piece of news.

"I remember very little of Shiganshina over all. Nothing of what happened... before I woke back up."

"I don't think you ever realized I was there. We blew open the armor on your neck. Mikasa, Connie, Sasha and Jean were supposed to finish you with their second spears, while I had planned to turn around before the smoke settled. I was going to cut you out of there and then... I don't know. I hadn't thought of it, just that I had to get you away if you'd let me. But Jean caught me. He must have seen it in my face, known somehow that I'd do anything for you." She closes her mouth and grinds her teeth remembering what came next.

"I held your body in my arms." She pauses, swallows hard. "The top of your head was gone, and as I held you I felt no heartbeat. Your titan screamed, it sounded like death anguish to me. Then you became still. People started fleeing, shouting that the colossal was coming, get away from the armored titan, but I stayed... I felt that if I let go now you'd really be gone forever. Bert came, he started talking and I just thought "He's gone mad, can't he see that Reiner is dead? There is no use talking to him anymore, he can't hear you. He's gone". But Bert he leaned in and felt your chest and told me that you were alive. It was impossible, but I got you back. When you finally woke I could tell that you were confused, but you picked me up. The second time they went for you I dove right into the blast and cut you out myself. I'm sorry, but I had no choice." She looks to him, wishing he would give her some sign to let he know he understood why she'd had to do it. But his eyes are golden and unyielding.

"Sometimes I wonder if Jean meant those things he said to her, or if he wanted to protect me... But I was thankful when he spoke against Squad Leader Hange. It gave me an opening when I took her off to talk in private. She told me no, one way or another you had to die and I was just about to cut her down when Pieck and Zeke galloped in and took you." She sighs. "I wasted so much time hating them for doing that, but in the end it was probably for the best. I'm not sure I could have defeated Hange, Jean and Connie if they ganged up on me."

Reiner stares at her for a moment. "You were really going to try to kill Hange Zoë?"

"Yes, and so what? What was she to me?! And the others... well, it never came to that now did it. Thank god for that, because they were my friends and I really cared for them. Reiner... I'm sorry but... Bertholdt is dead."

There was the smallest twitch at the corner of his mouth, but his eyes did not widen in shock. She realized he must have assumed that Berthold was dead.

"I thought so. Did they... did they have Eren eat him? Or someone else?"

They stared at each other for what felt like a long, long time. "Ah... that's right. You can't trust me."

"I will tell you what happened to the colossal titan power, but not right now. I'm sorry Reiner, I would have liked to save him because he could have led me to you, and because he was your friend."

Reiner nods slowly.

"He was my only friend back when we were training to be warriors. He was picked as a titan host way before me, but he was nice to me anyway. I don't think I actually deserved his friendship in the end. As soon as I was picked for the armored titan I assumed it was because I was the best choice, and I started looking down on Bertholdt, thinking he was soft and indecisive... Shiganshina was the only time he showed some initiative and it killed him." He looked up at her. "Is that ironic? I honestly don't know."

"A little I suppose, in a dark sort of way. I think I might have seen his father on the street yesterday, is he dying?"

"He's getting sicker. I've only seen him once. He was at the gate when we returned."

"Grief can do that to a man. It's hard for you to face him, right? Does Annie have parents in Liberio?"

Reiner nods, and she interprets it as a 'yes' to both of her questions.

"A father."

"You avoid him too." It was not a question. "You feel that it is your fault that their children are dead. Well, it's not, and Annie is not dead. At least she was not dead last time I saw her. She encased herself in unbreakable crystals, and was taken captive by the survey corps."

Reiner pales noticeably and his eyes widen in shock. A moment later he composes himself, rearranges his facial features into a stern expression.

"Good, I'm glad. Perhaps I shouldn't be because I would not have wanted to be held hostage there, but I am."

"Thought you might be. Anyway... Historia, Christa I mean, she got Ymir's letter. She cried when reading it, but at least she got to understand what was in Ymir's heart. That was your doing alone, wasn't it?"

His mouth turns into a hard, thin line on his face. He nods.

"No one needed to tell me you did that out of your own initiative. That's just the kind of guy you are." She smiles at him, but he does not smile back. He's probably thinking that only hours later Porco Galliard was turned into a mindless titan and devoured Ymir, turning all her love and regrets into dust. Iris hopes that Reiner did not have to watch it happen, but if she knows Marley right then it is likely that he, Zeke and Pieck were all present.

"They did not bring me with them to Eren's basement once you had gone. I was with the crew guarding the weak and wounded. But they showed us what they found as we set camp on the way back. They had found a diary belonging to Eren's father, Grisha Yeager. Zeke Yeager is Eren's half-brother. He said that there was a world outside the walls that was very much alive. Stuck between the pages was something he called a "photograph", and the moment I saw it I knew what it was. You see, this was not the first time I had seen a photograph. I used to see them all the time when I was little, only, I wasn't supposed to tell a living soul about them."

Iris had closed her eyes as she spoke of the photograph that had changed everything, so she can't actually see Reiner's reaction. She hears him inhale sharply, and then he shuffles on the side of the bed.

"My father had a secret compartment behind a bookshelf in our house. In it he kept notebooks of what he called "his work", and photographs recording his progress were glued onto the pages. When I got older he took me down to his lab a few times. Before I knew the truth of the world I never thought it strange how the focus of my father's research had shifted over the years, and I never questioned whether or not all his work had been done in one place. I thought he had just gotten interested in new things just like I, at the age of six, liked chocolate one day and vanilla the next. Of course realizing then that my father must have come from the world beyond, I wanted to rush to him immediately but things were kind of chaotic when we returned from Shiganshina. Christa, Historia Reiss, descendant of King Fritz was crowned as queen you see, and the outside world was made public knowledge. Us few remaining survey corps members were the only veterans, and we were promoted. I doubt our new commander, Hange Zoë, would have done that had she known that I had been close to murdering her. Fate rolled the dice my way I suppose."

Iris pauses. Her throat feels sore now, and she wishes that she had a glass of water. She rarely talks this much in one go. Reiner had not reacted to Christa being a descendant of King Fritz, which leads her to think that he had deduced that much himself already. Perhaps all three of them had found it out together. Could be that was why Ymir had at first attempted to take Historia with her, but then changed her mind when they all realized that Eren had activated the founding titan's ability.

"Once I could I went to my father and demanded that he told me the truth." She pauses, smiles at Reiner who gives her a look of bewilderment in return.

"My name is Iris Frederike Holt. I was born in an abandoned shed twenty kilometers east of Jagomo, close to the narrow sea separating Marley and Paradis Island. My mother's name was Anna-Marie Holt. She was sixteen years old when she gave birth to me, and she named me after her grandmother whom she had loved dearly. She and my father were in hiding, planning to continue their journey once she got stronger; instead she got sick. My father did not want to take the risk of finding a doctor who could prescribe antibiotics, in case the doctor would turn them in. She died five days later. She nursed me until the end and I was strong by then, but my father told me that he fully expected me to die along the way. I thwarted him at this, though he had run out of milk and powdered milk by the time we reached the northern point of Paradis by boat.

Once there he implemented the second part of the plan, and during full dark he flew us into the lands beyond the walls. Hot air balloon, right over the wall and into the mountains, crashing us somewhere in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. I've heard cockroaches can survive pretty much anything, which explains why he was not afraid, but the fact that he was going to put his wife and newborn child through it says something about how far his love goes... Anyway, though he is not a professional doctor he knew enough medicine to pose as one in their medieval society, and he found me a wet nurse to save me from starvation. He met my "mother" after attaining a recommendation letter from one of the old physicians of Mitras. She was a young, barren woman from a good family, who could not find a husband. She was willing to take him and his child since he was a widower, not that anyone asked for any papers confirming it. Are you with me so far?" she asks Reiner. He looks as if he wants to put his arm around her, perhaps rock her a little to soothe her. She does not need to be soothed however; all of this is old news to her. Then he frowns.

"How could an Eldian find enough funds to pay his way on the outside, escape the internment zone, get to the coast and have a boat and a balloon waiting for him? And why would anyone want to flee to that place?"

"The simplest explanation is often the correct one. An Eldian could not have done all of that."

Reiner looks at her uncomprehendingly. They are both quiet, and after a while the understanding creeps into his face.

"He's not an Eldian."

"No, he is not. And neither was my mother. By extension, neither am I."

His face falls. The color drains from his lips, and the dark hollows underneath his eyes deepen considerably until he is so pale she fears he might pass out. The reaction is so unexpected she just stands there by the window staring at him, unable to think of what to do or say. What the hell is with this reaction? Sure it had been shocking and confusing to her, after all it was her own life that was turned on end, but what was it to Reiner? He had never struck her as a racist, not that there had ever been many races to mention within the walls but there had been the oddity here and there, but once she got here she had met many races within the troops and Reiner had never treated any of them differently.

"Reiner?" she says and her voice is high pitched, scared. "Are you alright? Say something"

He puts his face in his hands for a moment, in no way easing her distress. Finally the thought to go to him pops into her head and she hurries to his side, sitting down next to him and putting her arm around him. She feels him shaking, and she can see that his jaws are clenched.

"So you're Marleyan" he finally says through still clenched jaws, and there's something to his tone that has her worried.

"By blood, yes."

"Then..." He straightens, letting his hands fall away from his face as he turns toward her. He looks pained. "We are not the same" he says, as if it is the end of all things.

"What?" she replies, still not understanding why he looks as if he's just stared into the face of the pale rider.

"I'm Eldian."

"I am aware of that you know."

"But my father is Marleyan." Again he speaks in that tone of voice as if the abyss has opened up to swallow him whole.

"She would tell me that he loved us, but that he could not be with us because it was forbidden. But then the news spread that those accepted as warriors and their families would become honorary Marleyans. I thought that if I could become- Then he could- ... But in the end it doesn't matter. He never loved us, how could he."

"Oh... So you became a warrior for her, for him, and by extension for yourself. I assume you met him since you're telling me this, before you came to Paradis?"

Reiner nods, but refuses to look at her.

"I still don't understand why you're acting like this" she says unhappily. Then he finally looks at her.

"I thought we were the same, but we're not. You're pure and I'm-" He seems unable to finish his sentence. There's something more hidden there underneath, she thinks. But he does not know how to say it.

"Pure? Seriously? Reiner, look at me. I have done bad things in order to attain a goal, just like you. I am also rather sweaty right now, and pretty sure that some of your jizz is running down my thigh. There is absolutely nothing about me that is pure." She shakes her head in exasperation when the look of defeat won't leave his face.

"Look at me" she growls and grabs his chin, forcing his head around. His eyes are just sad, full of helplessness. She hates that fucking helplessness because it's like it sucks the oxygen out of the air around them.

"The marleyans are not my people, just like the people behind the walls are not my people. It's got nothing to do with blood, and even if it does there is no such thing as dirty blood. You are my people."

"It's not that easy Iris, you can't just say things and make them true. It's not really that either it's just... I don't want to be like her. My mother. I love her but..." He throws his hands out as if hoping the simple gesture will express what his words cannot. She bites her bottom lip, tugging at a dry flake with her teeth.

"Forgive me for saying this but – Your father is a weak, small man. Please don't bunch me in with the likes of him. And you are not like your mother!" It was her time to throw her hands out in frustration.

"No, but-"

"No more fucking but's Reiner!" she screams, furious now as she leaps to her feet. She stares him down furiously; angry at the tears that threaten to form in her eyes, angry at him. "Do you think less of me now all of a sudden? No? Then what is it?! Why can't you fight for me for once?! Don't just sit there saying useless things! Just what are you even saying? I can't-" She is unable to find any more words, and her voice cuts off mid-sentence. She grinds her teeth together with the sheer effort of keeping her eyes dry.

He had drawn back when she started shouting, then he had just stared. She can't remember if she has ever shouted at him before.

"Calm down" he says but it does nothing to pacify her, quite the opposite. How the fuck dares he tell her to calm down?! Does he have any idea of what she has gone through to be here?! Any idea of the things she's had to do and endure?! ... _Actually no, he doesn't_. The thought comes to her with icy clarity. It's like some bad movie drama, of which there are plenty in this world. Moving pictures, fucking insane. He grabs her hand despite the fury on her face and pulls her back down to him. Her first instinct is to struggle against, but then she lets herself slide down onto the side of the bed.

"I'm sorry Iris." There it is again, the fucking 'sorry' that she's so sick of hearing. She is about to bristle again but he stops her before she has a chance to. "Wait, I wasn't done. I didn't mean to upset you, of course it doesn't really matter I was just... unprepared. I was attached to the idea of us sharing this invisible bond, that we were the same."

"... Alright" She breathes deeply, anger settling.

"You're right. I never fought for you, not enough" he continues grievously.

"That's not what I meant" she protests. "I wasn't talking about back then, you tried in your own way and how much could you do really? Sometimes you talk as if I don't know what it's like to be powerless but I do, more than you know. I was talking about right here, right now. Sometimes you're so sad it scares me, that's all."

"I bet you felt helpless when I was suddenly your enemy" he says to which she nods. "Sometimes I wish I had told you. I wanted to, but if you didn't take it well I was afraid of what I would have to do. I did not want to risk it. I'll try to do better by you, if only to make sure you don't shout at me again... You're kind of scary when you're angry." The corner of his mouth twitches as he says that last part.

"That was a joke, right?"

"Yeeah, sure" he mumbles and smiles sheepishly.

Iris reaches out and takes his hand in hers. She puts her other hand on top, squeezing tightly.

"You don't care about race, or buy into the theory of the Eldian race being evil because of some ancient heritage, do you? It's just something that other people told you about yourself. Forgive me if I'm putting words into your mouth, but you've felt like there's a hole in your chest for a very long time, haven't you? You were looking for something to fill it with."

She can see Reiner's jaw clench. The corners of his mouth pull downwards, but he says nothing.

"It's been hard for you, putting on that stern face every day, keeping up the lie about Paradis being an evil place. You probably hate it for showing you all the good things that could never be yours. Do you hate yourself for wanting them too? Reiner, you've been so very lonely, haven't you?"

He looks down at their hands, clenched jaws grinding but he does not make a sound.

"I forgive you, for everything. In your place I think I might have done exactly what you did."

After a long silence he speaks, and the words send icy chills through her body.

"Sometimes I wish I was dead."

"I thought so" she replies, forcing back her tears. "But what good would that do? You would lose your last chance to put things right, and what would become of your family without your protection?"

"Put things right..." he says as if each word wears him out. "The way to do that is to go back, and destroy that cursed island. I've been thinking about it. When we win this war they will want us to go back, and I don't think I can do that Iris."

She puts her arms around him, pulling him close. There's still no one in the house, and if there had been then to hell with them.

"Whatever comes I'll be there beside you. That day is still far off, anything can happen."

He gives her a sharp look, but decides not to ask her if she if referring to anything specific by saying that. He will know when the time is right, and he will make the right decision then... right? He sighs, leaning into her embrace while wrapping one of his arms around her back.

"I'm sorry Iris. I'm a wreck."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. You've just had too much, it is no wonder you are tired."

They sit quietly for a minute or so with their heads leaned together. Iris feels the stubble of his cheek scrape against hers, and she holds him tightly, never wanting to let go again. This is it – Home. Reiner had taken it with him when he went, but now it is hers again. Nothing is going to take it away.

"Why there though?" Reiner mumbles. Iris frowns, pulls away and looks at him in bewilderment.

"What?"

"What you were telling me, about your family. Why would they go there?"

"Oh." She decides not to argue against him calling her father 'family'. "For it to make sense I guess you must learn who he is. He was born Dieter Holt in 799 to a military family, but he became known to the world under another name. You would know him as Siegfried Hess."

For a moment there is no reaction from Reiner, then he inhales, holds his breath. When he turns his face to her his eyes are almost angry, like they are accusing her of lying.

"Is that a joke? Siegfried Hess, the genius?"

"The one who, among other things, developed Cordite" she replied. Reiner searches her face as if still in doubt over whether she is joking or not.

"But he-"

"Disappeared" she finishes for him.

"You're serious, aren't you? That man is your father?"

"Well, I came from his seed. To call him a father would be stretching the truth."

"This is madness. Why did he abandon his homeland? People back then were under the impression that he was working on some incredible weapon before he vanished."

Iris purses her lips. The irony of it is almost laughable. Almost.

"In a way he was. His disappearance was a consequence of "irreconcilable differences" as he put it himself. He was working on something great, at least to his own mind, when Marley marched in and tried to put their foot down. There was peace at the time, but the people of Marley all lived with an enemy within. They held no seats of power, had no say over their own lives, but their blood held a terrible power that had frightened and disgusted the people of the free world. Shared among them this people held nine powers greater than those of any man, and Marley had control over seven of them. Marley had been working on a plan for how to "manage" these powers by creating the warrior program, using family ties and scare tactics to control the hosts even once they were let loose on the world – But would that be enough? All it would take was one warrior who was willing to sacrifice family and loved ones, and their entire system would collapse. And if it is anything Marley understands and fears, it is cold calculation."

Iris felt a chill creep down her spine, and the skin prickled on her arms.

"So they came to my father, ordering him to stop working on his great masterpiece of modern warfare and instead begin a new project. In case a warrior would go rogue, or there came a day when the Eldians became expendable the Marleyans wanted to be able to pull the plug on their entire people in one go. My father's research, the one he showed me the records of when I was a child, was on finding a way to target Eldians on a molecular level, and destroy them. He had the sharpest minds of his nation at his disposal, a whole horde of biologists, chemists, various other experts and an unlimited budget.

They dubbed the project "Jormungandr" – The ouroboros biting onto its own tail. When it is released, it brings the end."


	32. 31

"No." All the colour seems to have drained from his face. His eyes are wide and pale, glowing feverishly. He shakes his head in slow motion, resembling one of those twist-up monkey toys that turn their heads while frantically playing some miniature instrument. Iris has never understood why you would give such a toy to a child unless you meant to scare it. Those toys all have mad eyes; as if they have seen something so unspeakable it has driven them from their minds.

"Yes."

His brows push together and twist into a pained expression. His mouth opens and closes, then he grits his teeth.

"That's impossible. We have served well for over a hundred years, they have no reason to- What would they do, round us all up and put us somewhere to be-" He throws his hands out, looking as if he is stifling some mad laughter that threatens to bubble up his throat. "But how, what is this thing even?"

"I do not know."

He sighs and his shoulders sink as if he is deflating. For a moment he appears to struggle against the acceptance that is slowly creeping over him, but then he steels himself, eyes flashing as he grinds his teeth together.

"Alright, so it's true. I've had my fair share of thoughts of what will become of us in the end but I never expected to live to see it happen. He disappeared though; does it mean that he refused to create this weapon?"

Iris feels herself smile grimly, and Reiner falls silent. He sees that he must have gotten some of it wrong, and the skin of his forehead crinkles as he thinks on what.

"He did not refuse." His eyes search for hers.

"No. But once he figured out that it was only a matter of time before Marley would decide to rid themselves of the Eldian race, and that they were happy to slap his name on this ultimate solution, he decided to flee with his unfinished invention."

"What about the other scientists? Could they have finished without him?"

"Not unless they have found a way to work out of their graves."

Reiner looked relieved. Iris could only smile thinly, knowing that he would not like this next part.

"In the years after his marriage to Elfrida Bachmann my father made a name for himself in Mitras. He was acknowledged by the previous king Uri Reiss in year 835, and after that he was put in charge of a division tasked with developing highly addictive combat enhancers for the king's henchmen. In year 839 he had gained enough autonomy to finish the work he had started over ten years ago, and in secret he awoke Jormungandr." She feels her face twist into a grimace.

"You can imagine what he was thinking the day you and Bert demolished Maria. Obviously he has never trialed Jormungandr on titan shifters, but he is certain that it will take you too. If you two hadn't stopped when you did-" She broke off, not really wanting to dwell too much of what could have been. Once you opened the door to that, other things came flooding through. There was just too much of it, so many bad, but also so many beautiful things that could have been that never would be.

It seemed to her that her life could be divided into three parts- The early days with her father laced with light, wonders and unimaginable terror. Then had come the long summer, the time that began with her enlistment in the cadet corps. And lastly there was this time. It had taken from her, home, dreams, that fragile understanding of the world, and it had taken friends and enemies alike. It wasn't all bad though, she had gained a few things too, Jun, a second life, and _los._

She'd had much time to think in this recent stage of her life, perhaps too much time to think. An image had slowly formed in her mind like the imprint of a memory, or of a dream. In it she saw Reiner stride through a swaying field of sunkissed barley. He walks slowly with his back turned to her, running his one hand through the coarse bristles that are giving way to allow his passage. From afar they look so soft, those bristles, and she is tempted to forget how razor sharp they are once stirred by a gust of wind. The shirt he is wearing in this figment of her imagination is always blue, a soft, timid color that brings out the gold in his peculiar eyes. Of course she never sees his eyes in this vision because he is always walking with his back to her. But in here she never feels afraid that he is going to go too far from her, because in here they are safe. In just a moment she is going to call his name, and he will turn around to smile back at her as if it is the most natural thing in the world. Everything is still and calm until she sees the little boy emerge at his side. The boy grips the edge of Reiner's untucked shirt with one of his small hands, holding on as he falls into his stride. The boy is blonde and his tiny figure looks hazy as she gazes at him with the sun in her eyes. She can't make out his face, the light is too bright, and he too has his back to her. She can make out a slightly plump cheek, high cheekbones and a strong chin. The cowlick at the back of his head bobs in rhythm with his step. She always shades her face with her hand, squinting her eyes and tries to make out his features. She must see what he looks like because in some inexplicable way she knows that if she does, something will change forever.

But she never sees his face. The fantasy dissolves at this point, as if her mind has imposed some kind of impenetrable barrier around any continuation of her daydream. Too much time to think.

"Your appearance on Paradis made him start thinking of moving on, something I believe he wanted to postpone for as long as possible. When you attacked Trost and Eren revealed himself, he put two and two together and figured out that this new shifter was probably the current host of the stolen founding titan. He must have thought it was only a matter of time before you warriors would capture this hapless idiot who seemed to have no idea how to control his titan power, so he began to prepare for his departure. He had picked up his old project, a thing that he had hoped would serve as his life insurance in the world outside, but perhaps he had been distracted with Jormungandr or he might have just grown complacent in Paradis, because the _new_ old thing was still in its infant stages. When I came to him in the week after our battle at Shiganshina he was still frantically at work with it, but upon hearing just how… minor our victory had been he decided that we would have to cut out losses and go – Him and I. In the weeks that followed we worked together to gather supplies. It is more difficult work than one would imagine, trying to get your hands on some rather conspicuous objects in an inconspicuous kind of way. Even with the slight civil unrest live and kicking inside the walls, everyone is not bound to take the news of a world outside that wants to kill us in a good way, there were people who had their eyes on us. Even something as simple as ferreting food could awaken suspicion at this point. During all this the survey corps began their work to clear the lands inside Maria of titans as well. They wanted us to reach beyond Maria within the year, to the edge of Paradis so we could see this 'ocean' that allegedly awaited us there. Jean was always around as well, looking over my shoulder and fussing about my health. Sometimes I wonder if he feared that if he left me alone for too long I'd tie my bedsheets together and hang myself."

She bites her lip, thinking back to his clumsy attempts to cheer her up. The elephant in the room was that everyone thought that she was better off now that Reiner was finally gone - She could get her act together and begin to move on. They must have sensed that telling her so would not be well received, and instead they all made much effort to avoid even saying his name in her presence. He had become a curse waiting to afflict anyone who heard of him with melancholy, betrayal and bedsheets tied into a noose. Even Jean had been afraid. Perhaps he'd thought that some part of her hated him for stopping her from diving in to save Reiner from the thunderspears. Only that one time, four weeks after their return from Shiganshina had they spoken of it. He had revealed to her that somewhere along the way of their coup d'état he had begun to suspect that if forced to choose, she might make the _wrong_ choice. He said it like that, "the wrong choice" as if it being the wrong choice for him, the survey corps, humanity within the walls, the world, automatically made it the wrong choice for her as well. Then he said that one look at her face in Shiganshina when Levi launched forward and drove a blade through Reiner's neck after he'd been discovered inside the wall had confirmed his suspicions. It had been an attempt to save her from herself, as he put it. It hurt now, but time would make it better. She had thanked him, not because she felt that he was right but because he had _tried_. That was the last time she ever saw him.

During their first months together she had told Jun a lot about Jean. It had been a way for her to keep him alive in her heart, perhaps also a way for her to grieve him. Jean had kept so many secrets, playing with a full hand the entire time she had known him. He wasn't the quiet type, had never been so, but much of what he blathered on about was just… you know, a lot of hot air. His thoughts, the _real thoughts_ were harder to pin down because he never spoke of them. It was as if a great many things were just too private for him to share with her.

She carries Jean with her wherever she goes. He is the voice of reason and good judgement inside her mind now. Is he still alive? Yeah… he must be. By now he should be a squad leader. Has he outgrown his crush on Mikasa, or manned up enough to try his luck? Does he ever think about Iris Bachmann?

"Anyway" she continues. "I don't believe anyone ever saw father and me leaving the same way we had once come in. No one shot at us at least, and I imagine they would have if they saw. All the titan-killing machines we were developing were mounted on the wall to the south where the highest amounts of titans were wandering around, and we no longer even had watchers placed up there. I mean, what was the point, when nothing ever happened up north? Technically speaking I suppose it was no longer forbidden to develop technology to fly either, now that the old regime had fallen, but I imagine they would have a great many questions for anyone suspected of being a spy after what you warriors had pulled on us.

I think I might have enjoyed flying that way, in a basket and further up into the air than I had ever imagined that I would go, but I just couldn't take my mind off the huge fucking box we were pushed up against on our ride out. I tried to make him destroy it before we went but he would not - A waste of resources he said, besides, it was perfectly safe to bring along. He claimed that there was something called a vacuum inside, a complete lack of oxygen. But what is inside a box if not air? I can't get my head around it, no matter how hard I try. Is it dark inside a box that holds no air, because a lack of light always renders things in darkness, or is all that thrown aside when you remove a key component such as oxygen? … Being that close to it gave me the creeps, mostly because I couldn't stop thinking of the fact that I was within inches of something that, if we fucked up and let it loose, could kill… Oh I don't know, how many Eldians are there in the world? It was a relief to finally get to the coast. There was nothing out there but sea birds and fish, and even though I had my gear with me so I could fight I did not see a single titan during the week it took us to repair that old piece-of-shit boat we were supposed to travel by. All that water… It was so big, but it was like I couldn't really see it. I looked across it and wanted to feel your presence. I had never been much of a believer before but I prayed to whatever might hear me for a sign of where to go, what to do, that you would not be harmed. I guess somewhere along the way I realized that I had to decide that you were alive and well somewhere, waiting for me to find you, or the uncertainty would kill me. Once I had decided that much I got better, I knew exactly what to do."

She looks down at herself while she's speaking, and sees that some dust has gathered by her feet. For some reason she is reluctant to let him know just how bad things had been with her. There should be no shame in admitting this to him, but there was. She fels a slight heat rise on her cheeks, but the inside of her chest feels icy cold. _"People love you, until they don't need you anymore"_ – Who had said that? She could not remember. Her father had said she was an idiot to head west to find Reiner. Why go all that way for a boy, a stinking Ymirite at that, when there were plenty of boys where they were? He'd said more than that, though she did not care to repeat any of it.

"I think it is best for you if I tell you as little as possible about his whereabouts in case something goes wrong. I don't even know where he is myself, only that he left the place where we touched land after leaving Paradis. We have not been in contact since I asked him to help me and he refused."

The silence settles in the room. Reiner's eyes are fixed upon the wall in front of him but they seem to see right through it. She lets him do his thinking in peace, having many thoughts to occupy herself with while she waits. She thinks of the patches hidden underneath the sole inside young Galliard's shoes, wondering how much longer they will last. Dieter Holt, the father who much preferred the name of Siegfried because of the implications the name held, had mentioned there was a small chance the poison would eventually begin to break Galliard down, turning his brain into soup. And there was even the smaller chance that the opposite might happen, who knew with shifters really, he might become immune to it.

Perhaps there was a timer attached to the string through eternity that was her life, slowly ticking down until it would eventually reach zero. She has tried to drink these thoughts away, somehow still unable to remember that there won't be any more respite in drink for her. Once she tried something harder than liquor, a powdery substance that burned its way up her nose like wildfire, but the reaction to it had put her off for a lifetime. Either her body had rejected the substance, or the people who were fans of this particular kind of high just loved spending what felt like endless hours in a state of complete terror. She had heard things inside her mind, scuttling, rattling noises of thousands of little feet _(or claws)_ that came closer and closer until her head felt like splitting, and then she had felt something crawl inside the confines of her brain. Experiencing pure terror she had realized that her head was full of centipedes, and the pain as they started making their way out of her, eating away the soft insides of her skull on their way out, had been indescribable. Huge, slithering things had welled through her ears, dropping down on her shoulders like fat fruits, crawling into her clothing on their way down to the earth. Her vision had blurred more and more until she could no longer see, and now her eyes hurt too as if someone had driven hot pokers into them. Then the first centipedes had crawled out through her eye sockets, hooking their feet to the skin of her eyelids as they forced their way out of her. She opened her mouth to scream, but instead only managed a huge, wet burp. Then she had bent forward and vomited. Seeing the millions of tiny black bugs that had spewed out between her parted lips she tried to scream again. The skin on her arms had risen as if she had gooseprickles, but she could see that the little bumps were moving as the beetles crawled around in there, inside her. They were everywhere, feeding on her on their way out.

Needless to say, she had not touched any white powder since.

"That's one wild story. It sounds so insane I feel like laughing." Reiner's voice snaps her out of her train of thought and she shudders at the desolation in it. "… I'm not kidding myself, I know that my homeland- that _we_ are bad. I have known it for a long time, and I have resigned myself to it, or at least I thought I had. I don't want to think that they would decide to just… get rid of us one day. But at the same time I do believe it. It's as if I've been waiting for someone to come and shout it to my face this whole time." He looks at her.

"They are going to kill us. They don't have your father's weapon but they will find another way once Paradis has fallen."

"I believe they will, yes. And Paradis _will _fall; it is only a matter of time now until it does. You, the warriors, you can't refuse when the time comes to advance on the island. If you do they will just replace you with someone who still believes that Eldians have a place in Marley's future vision of the world. Someone like your little cousin."

A shadow crosses over Reiner's face at the mention of Gabi Braun, and for a moment she is almost afraid of the hint of hostility in his eyes. With all that he has been through, perhaps he is not ready to confront the fact that the cousin he loves so much would probably betray him if she knew that her uncle had neglected to turn in an infiltrator from Paradis – The same way he is not ready to face the fact that his mother could have protected him from this grim fate he faces, but chose not to.

"Gabi is a child. She _believes _in our nation the same way I did, that our lives and our actions matter. She believes she can change the world for our people, but you don't see that. You're an_ outsider_, you can't understand how someone who grew up with the warrior program would look at it." His tone is short and hostile.

"All I meant was that the responsibility would be pushed over on her if-"

"Gabi will never inherit the armored titan. No children deserve to live to see their dreams die, or to shoulder this burden… But if I could sacrifice any of the other candidates to save Gabi I would do it. I had hoped one of them would surpass her but she is getting stronger by the day. I thought that dying might be the only thing left that I could do for her, but now…"

Silence grows between them. She is left staring down at the floor where a knot in the wood resembles a large, staring eye. Her bottom lip trembles, but it takes her a moment to realize that she is crying. Her body convulses with her sobs, making her sway on her feet where she stands. She hears him rise. The wood boards creek underneath his weight as he makes his way to her. She feels his warm hands against her shoulders, gently pushing her towards him. He smells just like he always did, a mixture of soap, dirt, something inexplicable that is the property of his scent and no one else's, and with the slightly sour undertone of sweat.

"I didn't mean to upset you." His tone is soft and sad. "It's just a lot to take in at once."

"It's fine" she manages, pushing her face into the rough fabric of his shirt. "I'm fine. I uh-" she gulps "I'm sorry I brought up Gabi… I have come to realize how much she means to you."

Actually, she isn't sorry. Someone needs to say it out loud, that his cousin has volunteered to be the one who ends his life, stealing away all that makes him who he is, volunteering to pry into his most private and precious memories, abusing him even after he is gone from the world. Someone ought to be appalled and disgusted by the savagery of it. - That horrible child he loves so dearly wants to take Reiner from her, and that's enough for Iris to wish her gone. Gabi could fall out of a window one day and break her neck, be murdered by some lowlife in the night, or perhaps be blown to little pieces in the field once they are shipped out. There were just so many things that could happen to a little girl, so many dumb ways to die… but it isn't very likely to happen anytime soon, and Iris knows it. Reiner loves the little brat, which means that Gabi Braun is out of Iris's reach; she can't kill her, quite the opposite, she must care for her.

"Does it actually work? – Jormungandr I mean… were I and Bert really that close to killing everyone?" Reiner's voice interrupts her musings. Her tears are already drying, though there's a small, damp stain on his shirt where her face had been pressed against it.

"He ran trials. It works." Her voice is thick with emotion. She tries to clear her throat but there's a lump down there that won't give.

"So," he hesitates for a moment "your father has a weapon capable of wiping out at least a large part of the Eldian population-"

"Not part of it" she interjects. "All of it."

Reiner's mouth forms a thin line across his face as he looks down at her. "Alright, all of it. So he is an enemy?"

She produces a sound that's somewhere between a snort and laughter, feeling her eyes tear up again as she does it.

"That's not an easy question to answer. Of me and you, of the Eldian race – No. Of Marley though…"

"This is not the time to be cryptic, Iris."

"I'm not. He created Jormungandr because it seemed like an impossible task, something to pander to his ego. But then one day he finds that his shining legacy of war and destruction is in danger – Marley not only derailed the making of his greatest invention in order to cater to their whims, they actually planned so tarnish his splendor with something as petty and vulgar as genocide. I think that if General Calvi had spat in his face he would have found that less insulting."

"If he is Marley's enemy then he _is _my enemy, you must realize that. Even if I hate it, this nation is my home." His jaw jutted forward in that stupidly stubborn expression that used to warm her heart whenever she saw it. There was something noble about his single-mindedness, the iron determination in which he went about his duties, but it was also his greatest weakness. The iron that does not bend will eventually snap under pressure.

"Right now he is not much of anyone's enemy. He's not someone who can thrive as a nomad, it's why he stayed in Paradis for so long - There he could live comfortably and gain influence in order to push people around the way he is used to. Right now he's probably living like a rat in some gutter somewhere, he's no threat."

"Okay" Reiner mutters quietly, and she wonders if he believes her. It sounds like he does, and she sees no mistrust or any trace of that hostility from earlier on his face. She wants to trust him again, wants to close the distance that has grown between them.

"I think I need some time to sort this out in my head" he continues, stops, and looks at her thoughtfully. When he opens his mouth to speak once more he looks almost embarrassed, and she feels that old pull, like a kind of magnetism between them that makes the air tremble. "So you came here for me, nothing else?"

This makes her smile a little. "I did."

"And all this while I've been turning my brain inside out trying to figure out what your plan is, who you are working for… if … - if you'd come to kill me. You know, for what I did to you… and to everyone else."

"I came because it was all I could do - There was never anything else in the cards for me." She avoids his eyes as she tells him this. It is the truth of the words that makes her turn her gaze away, and that feeling of being completely exposed is back once more. In her heart she never really doubted that Reiner had cared for her despite what everyone else thought, and she even believed that he had loved her though he never said the words. But _she_ had been ready to give up anything and everything to save him – And he had not. What did that mean exactly? She did not know.

She reaches up and grabs his chin, looking into his eyes intently. "I'm your soldier Reiner, believe it if you can. I'll fight under any banner for you, even if you lay down your weapons, even if you're too tired to fight for yourself. My life for you."

Color rises to his cheeks, he looks sheepish and embarrassed. She feels rather embarrassed herself, but it is the truth so why bother denying it? She can see his mind scrambling for words, a reply of some sort, but he comes up empty. His mouth hangs half open like a broken down door on its rusty hinges. He clears his throat a couple of times, blinking slowly.

"You don't need to say anything" she continues. "Take your time, think about what I've said. Think long and hard. We are being shipped out tomorrow, further south this time according to Alfred. Now, I know that you wouldn't do anything thoughtless, but I need to say this anyway: Keep everything you know to yourself. Act like you always do. The warriors are dangerous to _you_, to me, and to everyone you know and love."

"You used to think much higher of me - Nevermind; I guess I've earned it. I'll keep quiet, don't worry. But you are wrong about them, Pi is a good person. I guess Porco wasn't all bad either before I stole his titan and got his brother killed."

"I know they are alright, but they have people they love and need to protect too."

Reiner nods, obviously realizing this as well.

"Yeah, they do. I suppose we have always kept secrets from each other. We are family because we are all warriors, but if not for that I doubt we would have been friends. I just want to put it out there; they were good kids who wanted to protect their families, and to show our nation that we are worth something... Annie and Bertholdt too."

"And Zeke?"

"No" he growls, eyes flashing. This surprises her though she has sensed that Reiner's feelings toward Zeke are of a conflicting nature. He followed him faithfully during their assault on Paradis, perhaps even feeling relieved once Zeke showed up and took charge of the situation, and he seems convinced of Zeke's complete superiority as a titan shifter. But Zeke betrayed the parents who had loved and raised him, and she could see how that would be something Reiner found hard to stomach.

"He is a monster" he finishes gravely.

"I guess I don't need to tell you to be careful around him then." She comments wryly and sees Reiner's eyes narrow.

"Why would you be telling me that, haven't you two been meeting in private lately to smoke and drink together?" His tone is sharp, dark. The muscles around his jaw pop out as he clamps his teeth together. Before she can stop herself she titters, covering her mouth with her hand.

"Seriously?" She smiles crookedly and his face darkens.

"What? Why are you looking at me that way?"

"I believe the real question is; why are _you_ looking at _me_ that way?" She winks at him. "Me and Zeke have had a few things to discuss, and I'll admit he rolls one fine cigarette… Come on, don't tell me you feel threatened?"

She had hoped to lighten the mood, but her teasing, light-hearted words have the opposite effect on him. His eyes narrow angrily, his hands fall to his sides and he takes a step back from her. Scowling, he turns his face away. Dumbstruck the stands there, already missing the warmth from his body.

"That's not funny" he grumbles.

"It was just a joke. I've been keeping an eye on Zeke to see whether or not he suspects me, that's all." She reaches out and tries to grab him, wanting to pull him close to her again but he dodges her grasping hand and turns away from her.

"You should go Iris, before my mother comes home. I need time to think about all this."

"Reiner-"

"Just go. I'll see you tomorrow" he interrupts her coldly, and it is clear from his tone that he has gone off into that dark place in his mind.

She stands there looking at his back for what feels like a long time, hoping that he is going to change his mind, but he doesn't. Finally she turns around, mumbles a weak goodbye, and leaves the room with the sound of her heart pounding in her ears. Her legs feel unsteady as she makes her way down the stairs, and she suddenly feels like an intruder in this house. Reiner's coldness has left her stomach in a tight knot, and she replays their conversation in her head over and over as if that could somehow change the outcome of it. The roof above her head creaks as he shuffles across the floor and the sound pains her because he is so close, and yet he has shut the door on her.

So she steps out onto the street and heads back towards the gate. The thought of having to go to Alfred's house for the evening is suffocating, but she had promised to come and so it must be. Alfred is very proud of his family, and he loves his wife so much he is ready to do anything for her. For fifteen years he has hidden her Eldian heritage from the Marley authorities, risking his own life and his family's reputation. There's a whole network of people invested in disguising Eldians as Marley citizens, and it is so covert that it is practically impossible to "get a foot in" with any of them as an outsider. But her father had known of them, and his parting gift to her had been the name of a doctor involved in the operation. The doc had been reluctant to help her at first, but he had talked him into it, so to speak. He had directed her to Alfred, a young sergeant with great ambitions and a whole lot of baggage to carry around. It had been a dirty job to quell the riots in certain areas where people had had enough of oppression, and the men they had served with were hard and mean. She had often feared for herself and for Jun, and they had slept many nights back to back with weapons in their hands. But Alfred had seen them through, and he had been true to his word. She had threatened him when they first met, but he had taken her in and warmed to her in time and that meant a great deal to her. So, she would come to dinner and she would smile. She would even play nice with his son, despite the fact that the boy was cold and quite frankly scared her a great deal.

Iris left Reiner's house without a single look back, which meant that she never saw Reiner standing by the window, watching her through brilliant golden eyes.

* * *

When she is finally walking home towards the Bjergsen residence later in the evening she is struck by how old and tired she feels. The dinner had been lovely, the conversation easy, food delicious, and the company unexpectedly pleasant. The son had been out of the house, spending the night at a friend's house. But despite all that pleasantness Iris had found herself unable to enjoy any of it, her mind constantly milling over Reiner's cold dismissal. His moods were unpredictable, prone to the extreme though he had once been so steady. At one point she had thought him unshakeable, or had she? He might have seemed steady, but there had often been a hint of self-loathing and contempt in the way he spoke of himself, the few did he did speak of himself that is. But none of that, not even the night before or the day Trost was attacked could compare to what she sensed in him sometimes now. It was as if he was standing at the edge of an abyss, and more often than not he chose to stare down into it, leaning further and further over the edge.

She had told him part of the story today, but only part of it. Sometimes she questions whether or not he is strong enough for what is to come. What he said today - He had not used those words, but he had implied that he had contemplated doing the _unthinkable_. How many times has he thought of _it_ while sitting alone somewhere, mulling over his life? If he had thought of _it_ (suicide, let's face it, the word is "suicide") before she told him of the final solution… Perhaps it had been a mistake to tell him. How much more can de take?

Iris turns her gaze towards the part of town where the Liberio gate is located. Her insides feel as though they are crawling with rats, scratching and gnawing there inside. She imagines Reiner staring down the barrel of his rifle, and the thought chills her. She wants to sneak there to check that he's alright, but if she goes now she knows that she will end up spending the night hidden on his roof, watching over him as the hours trickle past. She can't watch him all the time, because despite all the ways that she is changed she still needs to sleep. He had said he would see her tomorrow, and he would not have said that if he meant to… meant to- No, she must not think that way. He said he would come, and so he would, right? Somehow she had at first underestimated the amount of pain that he is in, how deep his despair runs. Sometimes his eyes are like empty caverns, and at those times she wonders if she has come **too late**. She can fight with all she's got, but there might still be one thing in this world that she can't save him from – Himself.

He has to show up tomorrow, he just has to.

She drags her feet through the front door and is greeted by Philip's bright eyes. The sight of him is almost too much for her to take right now. Everything about this boy is good and sweet, and he has given her his complete trust; a trust she needs to betray and exploit. It had been a little easier to bear if not for the fact that she is still unsure of Reiner, unsure that he can handle all this, wondering how he will react once she reveals her full hand; but she will just have to deal with that when the time comes. And before that she will need to decide how to handle Philip.

"You're back" he smiles warmly, blue eyes sparkling in the lamplight. "Can I take your coat?"

She nods silently and begins to shrug it from her shoulders when she sees him narrow his eyes slightly. He contemplates her tired, sad face, her sloping shoulders and she tightness around her mouth.

"Is something wrong?" he asks tentatively. The question brings on a wave of emotions, affection, guilt, exasperation, but most of all worry. Is Reiner alright? He seemed so upset when she left. Please, god, make him be alright.

"It's not too bad." That feels like a lie on her lips, and she tries really hard to keep them from trembling. "I'm just really, really tired."

He helps her get her coat off, watching her intently. He obviously is not buying into her "just tired" story, but at the same time he is careful to show respect towards her. He hangs her coat beside the door, pausing with his back to her.

"You went and saw Mr. Braun today, did you not miss?"

She flinches and her first instinct is to deny it, no she has definitely not seen Mr. Braun today and they most definitely have not been trading treasonous secrets all afternoon; but one look at the boy's posture tells her that the question is just another nicety.

"Why would you think that?" she asks instead, carefully avoiding giving him a straight answer. He shrugs.

"You seem sad. You are often sad when you have been spending time with Mr. Braun." There's a hint of petulant resentment in his voice when he says this. Iris forces herself to laugh.

"I really don't see where you get that idea from. We are just-"

"It's alright, you don't need to lie. I understand why you would be sad."

"You do?" Bewildered, she wonders where this exchange is headed. For a moment her anxiety is completely forgotten.

"You like Mr. Braun a lot, but that is not allowed." He looks at her with all the wisdom that only a fifteen-year-old boy possesses, and in his face she reads empathy, fondness, and sadness akin to her own.

"You understand that if the wrong kind of people heard you say that we would all be in trouble, right?"

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone I swear" he replies with fierce solidarity, and it warms her. She reaches out and pulls him into her embrace, not giving two shits about how it looks or how he will take it. After a moment's startled hesitation he responds by hugging her back. For a minute they stand there, taking comfort in each other in whatever way they can. She decides that she will give Philip the choice to side with her when the time comes, and that makes her feel a little bit better.

Once she lets go of him he looks shy and breathless, and she finds that it feels good to have that effect on someone. He takes no liberties with his words, his eyes or his hands. Instead he offers her his silent adoration, and his full respect. She gives him a genuine smile.

"Thank you Philip, I think I'll retire now. Good night."

"Goodnight miss." Red cheeked he watches her climb the stairs and steer her steps down the long, narrow hallway. She stops by Jun's door and the place feels cold, _feels_ empty, but she opens the door anyway and peeks into the darkness therein. The room is empty. Where would he have gone? It's not like him to go off on his own, he usually stays close to her. Once inside her own room she flicks the switch, and the room is bathed in bright, artificial light. Electricity - It is amazing and frightening at the same time to see how far ahead of Paradis the rest of the world is. Of course the entire world is not powered through electricity, only the rich and technologically advanced parts of it. A large part of Marley is still gas-lit, and she hears that all of Rossiya still runs on gas. In all honesty this dependence on a power she has no way of seeing, or knowing where it comes from unnerves her somewhat. She lights the little oil lamp that she keeps on her night stand, and then turns off the electrical lights. She undresses, taking care not to throw all her clothes into a pile on the floor. Naked, she then combs through her long hair before crawling into the large bed that still smells of dust and abandonment. This entire room smells of the kind of emptiness that comes with disuse, but she has decided that it is not an entirely unpleasant aroma.

"_He is a monster" _she hears Reiner's voice whisper in her mind. Is that opinion a recent development, or has he spent years following Zeke despite his feelings? Maybe she will never be able to fully understand Reiner. It is already difficult to piece together his benevolent nature with the kind of life he has chosen to lead. It might be that therein lies the greatest conflict of his character, the clash of light and darkness that has left him in the grey, wounded, tired.

She rolls over on her side and feels the anxiety stirring deep inside. Her body feels tired but her mind is icy clear, whirring and stirring up images of the Mauser rifle that had been leaned against the wall inside Reiner's bedroom. Then her mind shows her Porco Galliard raising his accusing finger towards her, staring at her as if he has seen a ghost. Next she sees herself at the gallows, feeling the coarse rope press against the soft skin of her throat, and below her Reiner is kneeling on the cobbles with his hands tied behind his back. She imagines his look of disgust when he finds out about Engels, General Bornemann, and master Solak, son of Everim.

Iris presses her eyes shut, covering her face with her hands. She wants a drink, a big stiff one that will calm her down, sink her into the tranquil waters of intoxication. She can barely even remember what it is like to wake up with a splitting headache after an incredibly wet night. It's been about a year since she last felt a little drunk, and in a way it feels like a cruel joke that she can't even remember what she was drinking on that last night. It was probably wine… there was always wine in master Solak's camp; the Osmani like their wine red, blood red. Drink had flowed on that last night, music had been playing and the dancers had flickered and writhed in the light from the fires. The wind had picked up until its howling had begun to drown out the cries echoing in the night. Horses whickered softly as they shuffled their hoofs and rattled the chains they were tethered with. Hundreds of them had bounded into camp a day earlier, panting and foaming at the bits, urged on by the spurs of their masters. Six great warlords had gathered in the hundredth year since the coming of Aclerius the Unbroken to hold the eleventh Ahn-kahat.

When morning came a red sun had risen on the horizon, and below it the camp had stood mostly silent. Master Solak's tent flaps had been left untied, fluttering open and then shut again in the morning breeze. The rich blue cloth of the master's abode had been stained with dark splotches, and inside women and men lay doubled over, splayed out, sat sunken into their chairs. All around the ground shone red. Red like wine. Red like blood.

* * *

Iris jerked as she awoke. Her eyes flew open to be greeted by close to complete darkness. The lamp had almost burned out, but a small flam flickered there yet. She lay on her side, her blankets were twisted around her body, and her heart was beating hard in her chest. Her perspiration had made the sheets damp, and the air in the room was cold. Her nipples felt hard and sore, and she shivered violently, teeth clattering audibly. For a moment she wondered what had awakened her, then she realized that the window was open. There was a short moment of panic before she recognized the presence in the room.

"Jun" she whispered. "Is everything alright?"

He moves closer to her, soundless in the dark. Even his breathing is beyond her hearing, and she feels him more than she sees, smells or hears him. Then the fabric of reality seems to ripple before her eyes, and his dark silhouette seems to step out of something. It is as if he has squeezed his way out of an invisible pocket in the universe, not there one moment, there the next.

_Camouflage… _she thinks to herself, and though she has seen it so many times before she feels a stirring deep within; a sensation of strangeness as she sees the _impossible_ become _possible_. Jun nods his head slightly, everything is all right.

"Where have you been all night? I looked for you when I came back." Of course he does not answer her, just takes another step closer. Now that the veil… _the camouflage… _has dropped she can smell him, and he smells of the outside. Green leaves, metal and the stink of soot wafts towards her, and she wonders where in the world he has been. Then her mind connects the dots, the smell is familiar, and she knows.

"You followed me. You were there when I was with… when I spoke with Reiner." She feels him nod more than she actually sees it.

"And now you've been watching Zeke, have you not?" She hears the hint of accusation in her tone, and Jun remains still as a statue, neither confirming nor denying her statement. He never lies to her, not through words or action.

"Why, when I warned you that he is wary?"

Jun comes to her bedside with his eyes downcast. She is sitting up, bare breasted and shivering in the cold air, but she makes no move to cover herself. There is nothing he can see that has not been seen before. Jun kneels, his head bowed as if to accept any punishment she wishes to inflict upon him. She knows this gesture because her knees have been pressed against the floor too, her own head bowed, wordless, heart flickering inside her chest.

"Don't" she says. "Not to me, not to anyone."

Her hand goes out and she grips his chin, tilting his head up so that his eyes meet hers. The whites of his eyes shine through the darkness. The lamp light flickers, grows fainter, and there is no way for her read the expression on his face.

"Did you find out what he hides?" She waits breathlessly. Jun nods, and Iris feels her eyes widen. Even in this darkness she can make out the front row of his teeth as he smiles at her obvious excitement.

"Show me" she reaches for him and grabs his hands. "Show me!"

And he does. When he speaks to her it is without words, and his low, raspy voice is not one that her ears can hear, but rather something that resounds through her mind. She is convinced that what connects them goes beyond the human condition, but if asked to explain what it is exactly she would most likely shrug, unable to find any good answer. The idea of shared cognition is as foreign to her as the idea that there is something beyond the blue sky above their heads. Her ability to hear when Jun speaks is simply not something that she can understand through logic.

When Jun has shared what he knows, and what he suspects she sits quiet for a while, thinking. This is beyond anything she might have hoped for, and far worse than what she feared. No doubt it is a secret of greater importance than any and all of them, worth killing for.

"If this is true then I am afraid it will not matter much what Zeke suspects that we are up to – Anything that threatens to attract too much attention to him and the warrior unit will be considered a threat. He was probably suspicious of the captain, you, and me from the get-go." She says gravely to Jun who nods his agreeance.

"We must change our plans, must act much sooner than I had intended. Until then we must pay close attention to everything we eat and drink, any strange behavior from the soldiers surrounding us since we do not know which ones of them belong to him. We need to stay together and… Philip, we have to protect him. Zeke should not know about the code or suspect what I'd want Philip for, but I don't know how solid the boy will be once his deed is done… Shit, as bad as this is for us right now I think that further down the line this could actually be a good thing."

To this Jun purses his lips, and that is all the confirmation she needs that Jun dislikes Zeke as much as Reiner does. To her however it seems that, rather than just following orders, Zeke Yeager is doing _what he thinks is right_. Iris finds honor in that. The Eldian people have been persecuted, dehumanized, murdered and imprisoned over the last century. It cannot be easy to find any dignity in such a life, and if Zeke has found honor in his then good for him.

"I think Galliard's getting stronger. He seemed suspicious of me today, although I don't think he knows why. The ring father gave me, I think we'll have to use it. Give him a strong dose and just hope that he doesn't completely lose it, or attract attention to himself by getting sick. I'd prefer to wait until we can fix up his shoes but I don't dare wait… we are so close now."

Jun just nods in agreeance.

"Jun… thank you."

He bows his head to her again and then rises to his feet, preparing to take his leave.

"Wait." She does not shout out of fear of awakening the other people sleeping in the house, but she raises her voice considerably, making the silent man halt abruptly. "Don't go. Stay, please."

He turns his head to look to her over his shoulder, and then he continues making his way towards the open window. Iris knows that he just means to close it though, he will return. She pulls her blankets up to her chin, shivering from the cold as he secures the latch. Then he returns to her bedside. He removes his jacket, his boots, his shirt and his trousers, and she shuffles to the side to make room for him. It is an easy task, making room, because this bed is much larger than any bed she has ever slept in before. Jun climbs in, nimble as a cat, and lies on his back with his hands to his sides. She folds her blankets over him and shuffles closer. One of her hands comes to rest on his left shoulder, and his skin feels incredibly hot underneath her fingertips.

Jun does not like being touched. He does not shake hands or bump into people on the street. If not engaged in a fight or following orders he avoids making physical contact with other human beings. Gods know that she can understand why.

"Reiner is sick" she hears herself say. "It scares me. He goes to a dark place and his thoughts turn black and toxic, and when he's there all he wants is to be left alone."

Jun says nothing, but she feels him in her thoughts. He does not console her; such actions seem to be nested in the dormant part of his person, the neglected child that was never allowed to grow. But Jun will stand to protect Reiner if need be, and that is enough. That is plenty.

* * *

"_Iri" Lira nudges her elbow. The sun is in her eyes, and the heat is making her feel sluggish. The water feels warm against her hands, which have begun to look pale and crinkly. Lira still calls her "Iri" even though she has told her many times that her name is Iris. _

"_You dream" the girl cautions her. She speaks the common tongue better than most do in master Solak's following, but she speaks it with in a thick accent that Iris cannot place. She supposed she was dreaming, the mind wanders easily in this heat and she is tired. _

_Lira's eyes are fixed on the men tethering their horses at the edge of camp. One of them is a large man with a long braided beard that falls to his navel. Though the men surrounding him are well dressed with long beards of their own it is clear that they are lesser lords while he is one of the six. The man has a long, steel tipped spear strapped to his back. The weapon looks well made, wrapped in ornate leather with gilded detailing. Iris watches as the men speak amongst each other. One of the lesser lords say something, a joke judging from his companions' reactions. As they all bellow laughter a thin boy hurries to them. He is bare chested, his trousers threadbare and he is filthy. Iris recognizes him as Otis, and knows that the boy speaks with a lisp ever since one of Solak's foremen knocked out three of his front teeth. The boy kneels by the men's feet, bowing so low his brow touches the dirt. The warlord kicks at him, and the boy scrambles to his feet. The big man growls something to the boy, he is probably displeased with the welcome he is getting, and the boy motions for them to follow him._

"_Lira, do you know those men?" she asks the girl beside her. Lira grips the hem of her toga and wrings it, making her breasts bob beneath the sheer fabric. The movement makes the iron collar around her neck rattle. Her small, bright pink, and always perky nipples reminds Iris of spring buds waiting to be plucked. Those beautiful breasts earned Lira the envy of some of the female djebi, and with her doe eyes and pleasant manners she has earned the favor of many men. Iris garb covers her ugly back underneath a layer of thicker cloth that stops at her belted waist. Below that the fabric is as sheer and transparent as that of Lira's togas. _

"_Aslan" The girl leans in closer and whispers the name to Iris. _

"_Tall man is Aslan. They name him Oroboshi" she continues unhappily. "Red star" she finishes, so quietly that Iris can barely hear the last word. Lira's complexion turns pallid as the tall man throws a glance their way, almost as if he had heard her despite her whispering. One of his companions gets a foot up against Otis's turned back, shoving him forward with such force he topples over, slamming his face down into the dirt. The man laughs lazily, stroking his long mustache as if it is a beloved pet. Aslan's eyes have come to rest on Iris and Lira where they crouch in front of the tubs they use for washing things. Iris can see the distorted image of herself reflected in the soapy water._

"_Why do they call him that?" she questions, meeting Aslan's eyes from afar. To her he just looks like another Osmani, big, dirty, uncouth. Sometimes Lira is easily impressed, and perhaps it is that wide-eyed look of wonder and impressionable way of being that earns her the grace of so many good men among this wild horde of savages. She knows how to make them feel 'special'. She seems genuinely frightened of this one though, Oroboshi. Iris doesn't know much of these men's crude tongue, and what little she knows often gets lost in the many different dialects they seem to speak. But that one, Oroboshi, she could have figured out without Lira's help; 'Oro' means 'red'. Lira does not offer her any reply. She just shakes her head wildly so that her collar clatters and jingles, and then the covers her mouth with both of her hands, crossed over one another. It's some kind of warding gesture, Iris thinks. _

"_Only small men need big names" Iris mutters as Aslan breaks their eye contact. Otis is back on his feet and now he trots ahead of the men, taking care to be out of kicking range. _

"_Quiet Iri!" Lira says sharply and grips her upper arm in a strong hand whose nails dig into her flesh. "Stupid. Quiet" _

_Lira's large, frightened eyes watches the backs of the men as they go, only looking away once they have been completely been swallowed up by the large sea of billowing blue cloth. They were headed towards master Solak's tent. _

"_Iri not understand. Oroboshi very bad man." She releases her grip on Iris's arm, her nails having left angry red marks on the skin, and makes as if to shove her hands back into the tub. Instead she looks around them as if making sure that they are alone. Then the girl fumbles with the rich blue belt of cloth that ties in her garb at her waist, and before Iris's eyes she reveals a hidden pouch. Lira plucks something from it with deft hands before twining the cloth back up, concealing the pouch within the rest of the fabric. She looks at Iris._

"_Dry hand."_

_In the beginning it was not always been easy for Iris to understand Lira's broken sentences, but five or maybe six months down the line she understands the girl perfectly. She pulls her hands out of the tub, wiping them on her garb that in truth does very little to absorb the wetness, but the strong sun helps in drying her skin. The ointment Lira makes to protect her from some of the sunburn leaves a white cast on her skin, but her hands look even whiter. She puts one pale, wrinkly hand out towards the girl who drops something small and round into her palm._

"_What is this?" she asks, eyeing the tiny… pellet? She takes it between her fingertips, carefully applying a little pressure to it. The pellet is solid, a dirty brown in color. She raises it to her nose to sniff it but Lira grabs her wrist._

"_Nightshade" she breathes, and Iris notices that the pupils of her eyes are dilated. There is a noticeable tremor in Lira's arm._

"_Poison?" Her own heart beats a little faster now. "Why would you give me this?"_

"_Nightshade root, very strong. Oroboshi take woman tonight. If he take me, I take this. If Oroboshi take you, you take." She points to the little pellet pinched between Iris's fingers. Iris laughs but it's a hollow, trembling kind of laughter. _

"_That's not funny." The girl's pale face agrees with her, it isn't funny. Iris wets her lips. "I can't take this, I have someone waiting for me, someone who needs me."_

"_You are djebi" Lira says, with startling grammatical accuracy. "Djebi is no one, no one need you. No one wait for you" she finishes matter-of-factly._

_Iris chooses to ignore her remark, looking at the pill again. It is small, so small it is difficult to believe that it could kill a person. "Remember Sheerkan, Lira? They called him the butcher, but he took a shine to you. All men are men, what if you please Aslan, satisfy him?"_

_Lira had belonged to master Solak six years ago when the last Ahn-kahat had taken place, and Aslan must have been here then too. Sina, she couldn't have been more than nine or ten years old. Now Lira's eyes are wide, and her lips tremble when she opens her mouth. If this Oroboshi makes women want to take nightshade rather than warm his bed, then master Solak would never give Lira to him, she's one of his favorites._

"_No Iri. Oroboshi no want happy, no want play" she says. "He want pain."_

_Iris opens her mouth to respond with something, but the look on Lira's face quiets her. _

"_You take, if need." Lira puts the pill back into her palm, and closes her fingers over it. "You take" she says resolutely._

_Iris holds her hand close to her chest. She has no hidden pouches, if she wishes to keep this she will have to hide it somehow. Perhaps she could strap it to her leg and hide it underneath the heavy, metal ankle bracelet she wears, a gift from a tradesman in one of the settlements master Solak sells his plunder to. Or perhaps she can hide a pouch inside her toga, right by the small of her back where the fabric crinkles._

"_Lira, did you make these?" she asks, the wheels in her mind turning rapidly, and she throws a careful glance around them to make sure they are still alone._

"_Yes" Lira nods._

"_How dangerous are they, can I keep them against my skin?" _

"_One leaf kill man, root kill many man if he eat. Nightshade good too, is medicine. Little help wound no rot. Help ease pain too, make sick better. And if very sick, old, damage I give root for long sleep. If you no eat, no touch wound, is safe."_

"_Okay, thanks." She smiles bleakly to Lira who does not smile back. _

_The long sleep is what they call death, the time when the spirit tears free of the fleshy prison and is finally allowed to roam into the planes where the gods reside. Iris had noticed how there were no old djebi, but she had thought that maybe they were sold off once they got too old to travel with the lord's following. And as for the soldiers, it was considered the highest honor to die in battle. Fallen soldiers were bid to dine with the gods of warfare after their passing. Somehow she had thought that accounted for the lack of wounded or disfigured young men in master Solak's camp. But it must be Lira's nightshade pellets that kept the very wounded and sick at bay. At least they did not leave them behind when the following moved on, there was that._

_They hung the last of their washing from the lines of rope they had strung up between the palm trees surrounding the oasis. The Ahn-kahat always took place here, where Aclerius the Unbroken had once fallen and had later been put to rest. His bones rested deep underneath the sands, and a large stone had been placed to mark his grave. Iris could not read the symbols on the stone, but Lira said that it told the world that the son of Acleidon, the god of legions, rested here, and that the world would never see his like again. Iris wondered where they got their gods from, because many of their names seemed to be of a different origin than the languages and dialects spoken here. _

_Her conscious mind insisted that superstition was just people's way of keeping fear of pain, sickness and death at bay, but she actually felt like there might be some kind of power here. The air felt static, denser somehow. She did not like this place one bit, and while these people had their gods to pray to, she felt alone and scared._

_When they were done Lira told "Iri" to help djebi pour the wine into carafes, then she hurried off in the other direction. Ninye was expecting and about to deliver her baby at any time now, and Lira was the only medicinal woman the following had right now, though she was hardly a woman at all. The girl was nothing but a child, born in this camp and daughter to the old head medicinal woman. The woman had passed her knowledge on to her only heir, and had died when the gods saw fit to take her, at least that's what had happened according to Lira._

_Djebi… these people had only one word for slaves, servants, whores, and the word was 'djebi'. It only seemed to have the singular form, one djebi, a million djebi, but in all honesty Iris did not know enough of this strange language to figure out how it worked. She was djebi, that much was clear. The gun she carried when the warrior horde fell upon her had slain two of them before it was snatched from her hands. An iron collar had been fastened around her neck, a short stump of chain dangled and jangled from the ring on the back where the locking mechanism was attached. Her clothes had been stripped off, including Reiner's dirty green shirt. To her relief they had not burned it, and as long as she wore the sheer garments of the djebi that left nothing to the imagination, she was allowed to keep the old rags that had once belonged to her. The djebi had moaned at the sight of her scarred flesh, but when master Solak had come to inspect her and saw that her face was unscarred he decided to keep her anyway. She was given her own custom robes, and in turn she was given to the men who did not care that she was ugly as long as she had the right kind of parts. _

_Instead of making haste to help the djebi pour wine, Iris turned her step towards the tents where they slept. Horse hides had been spread on the ground inside, muffling her steps as she padded across. Far to the right her backpack was perched atop her blankets, thin rags that did little to fight off the icy chill during the desert nights. The only nights she spent in warmth and comfort were the nights when she warmed a man's bed, but you were not always lucky enough to get to stay once he had taken what he wanted from you. Often she was sent back to huddle in the cold. Sometimes she and Lira slept together, but the girl thrashed in her sleep and Iris rarely got any rest that way. The days that followed these cold nights were filled with hard work. Thus she slept alone most nights, dreaming of a bunkhouse inside wall Rose where she had felt warm and safe._

_Looking around now she saw that the tent was empty. She heard voices from outside but it sounded like they were far away. She stood still, listening intently for the sound of footsteps headed this way, but all she heard apart from the distant voices was the sound of her own breathing. She quickly crept over to Lira's resting place, putting the little brown pellet on the ground beside her, and after a quick, paranoid look around her she shoved her hands into the girl's goat hide pack and began to rummage through it. There had to be more of them somewhere. Her breathing hitched when her fingers felt a little pouch, and she pulled it up. No label, of course not, Lira most likely needed no labels. The contents of this pouch felt loose however, like a ground powder rather than little pellets. What did that mean? Was it leaf rather than root? Iris wanted nightshade root, she wanted to be sure that it would work if she actually managed to do this without being discovered. She thought they might not be satisfied with cutting her hands off if this plan fails. The thought made the sweat break on her back._

_Deciding in her mind that what she holds is ground leaf she sets it aside, digging deeper among Lira's things. She does not know how much of a taste nightshade has, but her father had named it "Beautiful Death" to her once. Her fingers close on something that feels like pellets inside a leather pouch and she snatches it and holds it up in front of her. This has to be it, and by a quick estimation she figures there could be as many as twenty of the little pellets inside. She unties the string around the pouch and shakes a few pellets onto her open palm, completely forgetting her surroundings. They look like they are the right kind, but she can't be entirely sure. The voices outside suddenly seem to be a lot closer, and with her heart pounding in her ears she closes Lira's pack, trying to make it look as though it had not been disturbed. She takes the two pouches with her over to her backpack, stealing a glance into the one she suspected to be leaf, and sure enough, that looks like ground, dry leaf. Very carefully she sniffs it, detecting only a very faint odor of something earthy. Surely nightshade would not be such an effective way to poison someone if it had a strong taste?_

_Iris does not feel that she has any more time to reflect on this; instead she shoves the little pouches into the back of her toga, tucking them underneath her belt to hold them in place. Master Solak likes her to wear her long hair down to distract from the solid cloth across her back, and now she hopes her blonde locks of hair will help to cover the stolen treasures. She hurries her step out of the tent and moves towards the part of camp where the smoke pillars towards the sky. On her way she passes by the pens where the goats and the cows are kept, noting that their numbers have increased since yesterday. The warlords will all have brought their offerings to this Ahn-kahat, where they are to feast, quarrel and parley for seven days._

_As she gets close to the huge slabs of rock where she knows that the casks of wine are kept she slows her pace, begins to creep forward. She hears noise from inside the blue tent, clattering, and knows that by now djebi are crowded in there with huge platters, filling up the tall carafes that are to be carried out. Hidden from view of the entrance, pressed up against a cool slab of rock she waits until she hears the rustle of djebi lifting their platters, and the sound of their feet as they in pairs carry the wine out of the tent. They will be taking it to master Solak's abode now as he is the host of this Ahn-kahat, but his guests will not be drinking from those carafes until the evening feast is about to begin. Such is their ways, no wine before supper. Instead they drink the distilled stuff they make from their animals urine during the bright hours._

_The sound of djebi footsteps fades, and Iris slips into the huge tent. It is empty. She listens but hears no one close by. The cask of wine they have been pouring from has a vat placed in front of the tap, lest someone spill any precious droplets when pouring. She hurries up to the cask and climbs onto the stool placed beside it that allows you to reach up and pull the bung out of its hole. It is already open, and wasting no time in doing it, Iris reaches into her toga and pulls out the small leather pouches. Unceremoniously she dumps the contents of both bags into the wine cask. She wishes she could stir it, make sure that the poison spreads evenly into the wine to create a deadly concoction, but it is out of her hands now. She puts the empty pouches back into her garb, and is just about to climb down when she hears someone enter the tent._

_The foreman narrows his eyes at her, barking something at her in their tongue. They have met before but he never remembers that she does not understand much of their language. Iris stares at him for a moment, her mind racing. When she does not reply or move the foreman looks her over again, and finally some recognition creeps into his face. He sneers at the foreign djebi, raising one gauntlet clad hand to point at her._

"_What" he bellows, and Iris's mind quickly fills in the blanks left by his almost non-existent common tongue. (What are you doing?) She steps down, trying to look cool and collected._

"_Joai le no saoro" she replies. (I help with the wine) Then almost as an afterthought, but with the intention of belittling the foreman's authority, she adds: "Nen manno Solak je Everim." (For master Solak son of Everim)_

_The look in the foreman's eyes darken, but he seems then to deduce from her thick accent that she does not know enough of their tongue to insult him with it. He lets it go, barking to her to "get on with it then" in his own language. Then he exits, leaving her to the sound of her pounding heart, and her own thoughts._

_It is only later that day she thinks to herself that she should have kept the one pellet that Lira had given her. She should have crushed it and used it to poison the tiny blade that she has strapped to her ankle and hidden underneath her bracelet; the gift from a merchant whose name she will always remember, because he wanted her to say it when she pleaded for him to tie her hands behind her back, and again when she pleaded for him to not put it in her rear end, though he rarely listened and it hurt badly each time. He would often ask her, was he not gentle? Sure he was never rough, but he got his way each time they met. Now, as Aslan "Oroboshi" steps in front of her after letting his lazy eyes sweep over the female djebi, she wonders why she did not keep that one pellet. His height dwarfs her, the swell of his thigh larger than that of her torso, and as he leans in and grins at her she sees that he has a golden tooth. He turns to master Solak, and his voice is a grunt when he asks why she is covered. _

_Iris tries to swallow but her mouth and throat feel bone dry. She is not the prettiest here, but most men do not care as long as her face is undamaged. And she is good, she knows how to please. Her exotic features are even preferred by some, and she is not without admirers, though their numbers can't match those of Lira's. This makes her valuable to master Solak. He would not give her to Oroboshi, just like he would not give him Lira, right? Her eyes turn to master Solak who turns from the man to his left whom he seems to be having a discussion with to throw her a glance. In his crisp, clear accent that Iris never has any trouble understanding, he says that this djebi has had some damage done to her. His tone is derogative, clearly dissuasive. Oroboshi considers for a moment, and then grunts something that Iris cannot decipher. Master Solak shifts in his seat, the corners of his mouth turn down slightly. He sighs, giving her a regretful look. Then he says:_

"_Kridhe no jigha. Denno so zurrok." (Take her then. Do what you want.)_

_Aslan grins at her and motions for her to follow him. Momentarily frozen with shock, Iris looks to the other djebi women present inside this blue, softly billowing palace. The horror that she sees on the women's faces drain all the thoughts from her mind. Numbly she puts one foot in front of the other, following the large man as he folds the tent flap to the side and steps out into the evening. She thinks that the feast will begin soon, and the food will be served along with her poisoned wine. _

_Aslan walks through camp to where his band has set up, stopping only momentarily to talk to a man he meets on the way. She dares not do anything except follow him. Her knees feel shaky when she hears soft cries some somewhere, because they do not sound like cries of pleasure, feigned or elsewise. Again she thinks that she has served master Solak well, he would not let anyone do too much damage to her. But what if he knows? What if he knows that Siri Holt is not a permanent feature here, because someone out there needs her, what if they have found out about the nightshade-wine? Upon that thought her mind screams for her to run. But what if they have not found out about the wine? She can't risk causing any trouble now; this chance might never come again for her. She has to try to satisfy his man so that he will leave for the feast soon. Let him drink poison there, let him choke on it. "He no want happy, no want play. He want pain" Lira whispers inside her head._

_He shows her to a large tent made of some dark cloth of a color she cannot make out in this light, and when he motions for her to step inside she does so without question. Inside she sees two men sitting beside a table in the corner and she freezes. She recognizes them too from earlier. One of them is still wearing his armored gauntlets, and the weapons rested against the table beside their chairs makes her heart speed up. Her muscles scream for her to turn and run, but she knows that if she does so now she will be completely helpless against them once they catch her. If she shows them that she is afraid they will hurt her. They will hurt her bad._

_They hear her enter and turn. One of them has tied his beard up in some kind of intricate bun, a sign that he is a third, but the other one keeps his in a plain braid. He is most likely Aslan's second. She feels a huge hand shove her forward from behind, and the force of it is enough to send her stumbling forward. She hears them laugh at her flailing. When she straightens again she finds them both smiling, and in the lamplight their grins look like snarling fangs. She hears Aslan Oroboshi repeat master Solak's words lazily, and it sounds to her like he is smiling as he does it. His companions rise, and her fear takes over. She takes one step back and feels Aslan grip around her shoulders with hands large enough to strangle a horse._

"_No" he grumbles, and from the sound of it his smile is wider now. _

_The two come closer, and when they are just a couple of steps away she feels herself being shoved forward again. She manages to stay on her feet, and she turns to flee, to run, to get away from here any way she can when a gauntlet clad hand smashes into her face and sends her sprawling. There's a flash of light before her eyes, and a crackling sound seems to echo through her head. She does not really know that she is falling until she hits the ground. "You take" she hears Lira say, closing her hand on the pellet. Someone grabs her where she lays._

"_Up."_

_She is lifted up by the scruff of her neck and by her robes, and she hears the sound of fabric tearing while her head spins. She tries to bat away the hands that come to her shoulders, yanking at her clothes but he is too strong. The man with the tied up beard slaps her in the face hard, and she feels her mouth fill with blood as her lip splits. Her robes are yanked down from her shoulders, and the belt that ties her clothes together is ripped from her with such force she feels as if she is about to break in two. The skin where the belt burns her feels hot and raw. She covers herself with her hands and hears someone laugh. They say something she doesn't catch, and then the third pushes her towards his friend. The friend catches her and gives her one uncovered breast a hard squeeze as he snickers, and then he pushes her back towards Aslan's third. Like a ragdoll she is thrown, and when she reaches the man he brings one of his knees up, driving it into her stomach, knocking the air from her lungs. She doubles over, falls to the ground and feels him kick her again. Gasping she manages to fill her lungs with air, and she cries out from the pain. Out of the corner of her eye she sees that Aslan sits on one of the chairs, content to watch for now. _

_The third grabs her hair and yanks her to her feet. She screams, her scalp feels like it is on fire and she hears a ripping sound as he pulls some of her hair out._

"_No" she pleads, and again tries to cover her naked body with her hands. Aslan's second now says something, and his friend releases her hair, shoving her that way. The second, he who wears the gauntlets catches her in his arms, laughing as she whimpers. His steel clad hand closes around the chain attached to her collar, and before she knows it her breath is cut off as he drags her by it towards the large pile of skins and blankets. She can't breathe. Her body screams for air but she can't breathe. Her feet drum against the ground trying to find her footing, but he has her off balance. Her vision blurs, dark spots dance in front of her eyes as she begins to lose consciousness. Then she is thrown forward again. She draws one wheezing breath as she lands on the makeshift bed, and the air feels raw and stale as it flows down her throat. Immediately she begins to crawl away from the one who threw her. Behind her one of them guffaws, and in her panic she doesn't register which one of them is behind her now, coming for her. "You take" she thinks incoherently as someone grabs her by the collar again, giving her a rough yank back to stop her progress. The collar buries itself in her soft, sensitive flesh and it hurts to much it brings tears to her eyes. She crosses her arms over her chest, curling into a fetal position._

"_No" she cries out as the man with the gauntlets kneels by her, still holding the chain to her collar. Her voice is raspy and cracking. With his free hand he tries to pry her arms open but she resists. Angered, he smashes his hard, steel clad fist down into her face. She hears a sickening __**crunch**__, and then blood comes pouring into her mouth, into her eyes. For a moment there is no pain, only shock. But then the pain comes, momentarily drowning out all other sensations. The muscles in her arms loosen, and when he tugs at one of them it falls to her side like a dead tree branch._

"_No" she whimpers again, blood bubbles out from her nose and she is forced to breathe from her mouth. As one steel clad hand pushes her thighs apart her tears break. Seeing them he slaps her hard, and she screams from the pain in her broken face. The blood in her eyes blurs her vision, leaving them stinging. Shrieking with pain and fright she aims a kick towards his crotch, but he catches her foot in his hand, squeezing it so hard she thinks she might hear another crunch as her bones mash together. He fumbles with his trousers before he pulls them down, still holding her foot in his grasp. White panic grips her mind, and she starts flailing and writing, kicking at him with her free foot, clawing at him with her hands. For a moment his grip on her loosens, and she lands a kick in his midsection. He grunts as her foot connects with his stomach, and through her muddy vision she sees his large hand come shooting towards her face. She tries to turn her head away but her grips her hair again, wrenching her head upwards before he smashes it down so hard she hears the sound of bells ringing. Again he lifts her head, smashing it against the ground. Her body goes limp._

_They hurt her, worse than she ever thought possible. The first time one of them chokes with her own collar she slowly loses consciousness, thinking that she is going to die. But she does not die, not that time, and not the next._

* * *

_She comes to one final time as they leave. Something hot, wet and sticky runs down her thighs. Her body is an open wound, each movement hurts. Blood has pooled beneath her, but she can't tell exactly where she is bleeding from. She hears their steps fade, and she hears their laughing voices. Her eyes search for the way out, and she feels a cold surge run through her as she sees the bloody javelin that has been left inside the billowing tent, a spear clad in ornate leather._

_Afraid to look down, feeling as though someone has stuck a knife in her and opened her up front to back, she struggles to move. Her limbs feel whole, but they are the only parts of her that still feel intact. The pain is so intense she sheds tears, completely unable to hold them back. The soldiers up on hands and knees and rests a moment, frightened at the amount of blood visible where she had lain. Then, steadying herself against a chest pushed up against the side of the tent she staggers to her feet. Her head swims, and she wobbles back and forth, almost falling again. It is so hard to see through the clouds in her eyes and she wipes at them. Raising her arms hurts so much she cries out. Somewhere some voice tells her to search for cirica leaves or she will bleed to death. She stumbles around among Oroboshi's things, searching for the herb that any warrior carries to treat wounds. Just as she is about to give up, crying from pain and helplessness she feels inside the pockets of the robe he had taken off before he came to hurt her, and there she feels a pouch. She pulls it out, opens it and thinks that it is cirica she sees in there, but to tell the truth she can barely see anything through her blood-clouded eyes. She puts the leaves into her mouth anyway and chews, thinking that they taste right. If she can just stifle the blood flow she might be alright. _

_In truth she knows that she will not be alright, something or some things inside her are torn and broken, but what else is there? There's someone in the world who needs her. This can't be the end, it just can't. So she pushes on, beginning with looking for something to put on her. By now they should have begun eating, and within an hour everyone bid to dine with master Solak should have tasted the nightshade wine. As she finds a crate that contains trousers much too big for her, and shirts large enough for her to drown in it strikes her why they left her here as they went to eat. They must expect her to be dead when they get back. Instead they will be the ones to die. Laughter bursts out of her sore throat, but dies out within moments as a fresh wave of pain travels through her shredded body. _

_She falls as she struggles to get into the huge trousers belonging to the warlord, and when she hits the ground she screams out loud. For a couple of minute she just lays there unable to move, but then she forces herself to get up again. The shirt comes on easier, and she intends to steal Oroboshi's greatcoat before she goes. But first she needs a weapon. She looks to the spear but just the sight of it is enough to make her feel like she might go mad. Instead she turns to the crate beside the one she found the clothes in. For a moment she thinks that she is too weak to get the lid open, but with one final mighty push it lifts and opens. _

_She stares down at sheathed swords, there must me more than ten of them, and her tears start spilling form her eyes again. She can't use a sword in this state. Screaming her frustration the leans forward and starts raking the blades aside, ignoring the pain in her body, and barely registering as two of her nails snap and are ripped off. Finally her fingers feel something smooth and cool and round down there, and her heart leaps. She pulls at it, feeling blood begin to soak through her stolen trousers, and finally she sees that what she is holding is a rifle. It's not an old musket like the one she had once either. Her eyes widen as she realizes that it is a bolt-action rifle, able to carry five rounds at a time. Somehow she manages to pull it out, and upon inspection it is loaded. Four shots. That is all that will stand between her and what's out there. _

"_It's all pointless" the voice inside her says. "You're dying. Can't you feel the life run out of you already? You're a goner, Iris. You will never reach your goal."_

_A sound carried by the wind reaches her, a scream. Then there's more screaming voices, and within another moment she hears the sound of rushing footsteps all around her. They all seem to be heading to the center of camp, to where master Solak's tent is._

_Thinking of how ironic it is that Aslan would stuff the most useful weapon he has acquired into a crate, she staggers over to the chair where his coat is hung. With great effort she manages to get her arms through the sleeves of the coat, and she shrugs it up on her shoulders, whimpering as she does it. She lifts the rifle, but keeps the barrel pointed down to the ground. She hopes the ones outside will be drawn to the screaming at the center of camp, but if not she will try to shoot her way out. With four bullets. _

_She takes a deep breath. It hurts inside, her legs feel wet, and she is afraid._

_Iris steps out into the night._


	33. 32

**32: The price**

* * *

Iris heaves herself bolt upright, gasping for breath and shaking like a leaf. For a moment she sees a twisted figure looming at the foot of her bed, its arms flapping in terrible convulsions, feet drumming deafeningly against the floor. Its mouth is wide open, howling like the wind across the open sea. The stuttering eyes roll in their sockets, expelling streams of blood that runs down the things cheeks like red tears. Its ears and nose are bleeding, and its frothing mouth seems filled with red foam.

She blinks, and the thing is gone.

Still shivering from fright and from the adrenaline pumping through her system she looks around, half expecting to look over the edge of the bed to see a pale hand slither out from underneath it. But there is no hand. Knowing that she is just scaring herself she lets her eyes wander to the full length mirror on the opposite wall. For a moment she allows herself to think that she will look into it, and the body beside her on the bed will be a cold grinning corpse. Just the imagining makes her heart leap inside her chest.

But it is Jun sleeping beside her, and the things she lived through a few minutes ago were just a dream.

She pulls the blanket up to her chin, still too wired to lie back down. She should not have thought of Master Solak before going to sleep. For a while now she has been able to sleep peacefully through the night, but that can change quickly. Our thoughts are dangerous things, prone to taking on a life of their own if left unattended. Despite being shoved into the deepest, darkest corner of her mind, Oroboshi had waited for her in the depths of sleep.

_How long will be it be until he is finally gone? _Something inside her answers that she will never truly be free of Red Star because she is not _supposed_ to be. It is all in the way of _los_ she supposes, but finds no comfort in the thought. _Los _is the flow that runs through the world, and all things are swept along with it like leaves tumbling downstream. Nothing can ever turn back. What once was will never come again. It does not stop there though, not with her world, because there are _other worlds_ and _los _runs through all of them. _Quite spooky to think of really_. She shivers.

"Jun? Are you awake?" Her voice sounds high pitched and whiny like that of a small child who suffers from bad dreams. To his credit he does not actually stir before he wakes, but she can hear his breathing hitch a little just before he opens his eyes. To no avail Iris tries to swallow the lump in her throat.

"I dreamt of the Ahn-kahat …" _Actually I dreamt of Red Star and his ornate spear. The arrogant fucking whoreson didn't even stop to make sure I was gone, he just left me there to do my own dying. I hope that he puked his own guts out, and that he died with the taste of shit in his mouth_. She hungers to be comforted, but something inside her feels as though no amount of comfort could ever be enough.

Jun just looks at her as though he expects her to continue, perhaps hoping for her to present him with some kind of problem than he can resolve.

"How old were you when they cut your face?" she asks rather coldly. His expression does not change, and to be honest she had not really expected an answer. She had asked _because_ it is a touchy subject.

_See how you like that one. Not at all I think, that's what that dumb look on your face says. There, now you know how I'm feeling you bastard. What do they call mutes like you in the camps? Where I grew up we called them dummies. Got nothing to say eh dummy, cat got your tongue? _

She turns her face away from him, and her hands coil into fists. Can Jun feel her thoughts like she can sometimes feel his? Her cheeks feel hot, and she blinks back the tears that burn at the back of her eyes.

"When we met, was it you… Did_ you_ choose me?" Her voice is shrill and full of spite as she continues: "Or was it the other who picked me while you were just along for the ride?"

He makes no reply. She waits for a moment while the tears of frustration and hurt rise in her eyes. She turns from him and lies back down. Iris pulls her knees up and curls into a fetal position, crossing her arms over her chest in a protective gesture. She hurts without really knowing why. A Minute goes by and she thinks that Jun must have gone back to sleep, perhaps hoping that her foul mood will have bettered itself by the morning. Tempted to give up on sleep she vows to give it five more minutes, if she is still awake she will rise and find something useful to do as she waits for the sun to rise.

Then she feels Jun's fingertips brush against the back of her shoulder.

"_I did not choose you, but I am glad the other one did. You are worthy." _his mind whispers to her. His speech is in some foreign language that means little to her, but his thoughts come to her with icy clarity. It feels as strange now as it felt on that first morning. The silent man had taken her to a cave where she had slept the final sleep. In its murky depths she had dreamt the strangest dreams. When she finally awoke she found that all her mortal wounds had healed themselves. Jun had been with her then, stalking quietly at the outer borders of her consciousness. His body was sitting at least ten feet away from her, but his mind was inside hers. The other had said not to fear Jun, but she had feared him at first anyway.

"What could a whore ever be worthy of?" she mutters.

"_Better"_

She frowns at this cryptic response and yet feels comforted by it. As she has many times before, she wonders if Jun knows and understands much more about the one who brought them together than she does. He surprises her by putting one lean and sinewy arm around her. When she makes no protest he shuffles closer until her back is pressed against his chest. For a moment she stiffens, and in her shock she wonders if this is really alright? The blankets on the bed are the only things hiding her nakedness, and not even that separates them now. He lies still, and she wonders if he is taking her rigidness the wrong way. But then what would be the right way? She inhales and allows her limbs to relax, sinking back against him and into the mattress.

The proximity, the feel of his bony chest against her flesh is both strange and welcome. She thinks of the healed defensive wounds on Jun's forearms, shoulders and back. Of his scarred skin that has been painted black and blue time and time again, and of bones that have snapped and healed back together. Iris closes her eyes and breathes deeply, remembering how Jun used to recoil from her whenever she placed a thoughtless hand upon his shoulder. She realizes that she is grinding her teeth.

"_I was younger than" _she sees Philip, Colt and Jannik together _"when Master Bekh'im cut my face."_

Surprised that he has broached the subject she ponders upon this piece of information, her fury momentarily forgotten.

"Don't you remember how old you were? Bekh'im, was he your first master?" Jun's skin is warm against hers. She can feel his heart beat against her back.

"_We did not count our years, were given no names, took no possessions. I remember no mother, no father, no life before Master Bekh'im."_

"If you were raised by the women of his camp maybe one of them was your mother?" Iris murmurs.

"_No women, no girls, and no men either. Only boys."_

"Oh." There is not much more she can think of to say. She feels Jun's breath trickle down her neck.

"_He liked gold, was very rich. All his front teeth were made of gold, men called him Goldfang. Bekh'im Goldfang liked to bite us, sometimes boys would get very sick and die. He was a tradesman, sold spices and gunpowder to the islands and to __Xšassa in the east__. When I grew too old for his liking he cut my face. Then he sold me to the silence." _Iris receives a mental image of a Jun who looks to be about twelve being handed over to armored and shrouded men wearing black, painted ceremonial masks. The cut that has split young Jun's upper lip runs up his face, ending just below his left eye. The wound looks as if it was made with a blunt blade, dirty and healing badly.

"Were they the ones who took your voice, the silence?"

"_Yes."_

"What are they?"

"_Ancient. They buy boys to train, those who make it are sold as warriors. They taught me the way of the sword."_

"They must be a dying breed, the time of the sword is over."

"_Maybe. It is not for me to say."_

"Many died didn't they? Hundreds even, but not you. Because you are strong. The one who bought you was a warlord I bet."

"_Master Anníbas bought over two hundred of us. He paid extra for me, I was the strongest."_

"Anníbas the Wolf? Lira told me of a lord whose helm was that of a snarling wolf's head. She said even his horse came clad in steel, and that he wore a great white wolf's pelt over his shoulders. At some point he was one of the great six."

"_The Wolf, yes. He answered the call to the tenth Ahn'kahat, finding that seven warlords had come. The seventh was young, had gathered many followers. He styled himself Red Star. Before Aclerius the Unbroken died he claimed one would come who would speak with the voice of Acleidon himself. Oroboshi claimed to be the one prophesized. He named himself after the star that summons the lords to the Ahn'kahat. Anníbas the Wolf broke upon Oroboshi's great host, and all but me were slain."_

"You found the tomb after the battle?" She feels Jun nod against the back of her head. She has suspected all of this, but he has never wanted to speak of it. "I don't understand, why did you go back to the masters afterward? You could have gone anywhere."

"_I was alone."_

So that was it. She takes the hand of the arm that he has put around her and holds it gently.

"I was unkind earlier. I'm sorry." Again she wonders if he hears her thoughts. He has never acted as though he does, but who knows? She could ask, but perhaps she does not really care to hear the answer.

"Do you have any idea of how old you are? Seven years have passed since the Ahn'kahat where Oroboshi broke The Wolf, and you should have been eighteen or more before it." There's a moment's pause before Jun answers her.

"_Older than you."_

Iris smiles a little to herself. Perhaps that is his best estimation of his own age he can make, or he is humoring her with that strange, dry wit he shows on rare occasions. If she were to guess she would place Jun as slightly older than Zeke Yeager, but in the end what does it matter?

"I chose you" she says, thinking of the day she had found him standing atop an upturned bucket with a noose around his neck. He had looked a rather sorry thing then, thin and bloody, clad in rags. At first she had thought that he seemed broken, and it had hurt her because it was as if she was looking at a reflection of herself. The pain in her belly had been a roaring lion by then and she had known that her time on this earth was coming to an end.

"No god told me to pick you, I did it myself." She mutters petulantly, wondering if it is really the truth. If all things work in the way of _los _then perhaps she is kidding herself by thinking that she had a choice in the matter.

"How could the world be so cruel? It was going to take my last wish from me, and I were to die alone in a world that had lost all sense, far from home. I have always been terrified of dying, did you know? I think I raised my gun because I hoped to save a little piece of myself in you… So I suppose it was a selfish act in the end."

He is quiet for a moment.

"_You saved me. I might fulfil my duty because of it. Thank you."_

"And what is your duty? What did you have to promise?"

"_I cannot tell you that."_

She had not really expected him to tell her, it was just a way to keep the conversation going. His moods are a mystery to her; it might be a day or a year before he would be this talkative again.

"What language is it you speak?"

"_You will not know it."_

"Tell me."

"_Pamphylian"_

"You were right, I've never heard of it." _But I bet it is old, ancient even… Jun, how the hell do you speak a dead language? Just who are you?_

"_It is old."_

Iris closes her eyes, feeling that she will probably be able to sleep another hour. Her mind slows, her thoughts become intangible. She hears Jun's voice as though it is coming from someplace far away, rather than from within her own mind.

"_You are right to worry. There is a shadow growing inside your warrior's head. Even if he chooses you he might be too weak. And if he does not choose you, what will you do then…?" _He calls her something by the end, but she doesn't catch what it is.

"I don't know" she slurs and drifts away.

* * *

The gate is open to allow their passing. Armed guards are posted on each side, but no one _really_ expects disobedience from the warrior unit. _Only following orders, protocol and all that, yessir_. Iris shifts the wedge of cheese she has brought from one arm to the other. Pinned to her chest is the medal they were sent here to receive, her clean uniform has been pressed, and she has tied her hair back. Behind her Vinther, Bjergsen and Jun are stood close together. They are all waiting for the Warrior unit to say goodbye to their families. Vinther seems to be wearing a whole new set of clothes, and the pack that he has placed on the ground by his feet is no doubt stacked with sweets. _He must have a mother who loves him, the little shit._

She sees Porco Galliard bend to hug his mother. She gives him a kiss on the cheek and he does not look the least bit embarrassed by this naked display of affection. Now that she thinks of it, all of the warriors are saying goodbye to their loved ones with solemn sincerity. Even the little warrior candidates Gabi Braun and Falco Grice are here. Iris looks at Falco standing next to his brother Colt. People will have a hard time telling them apart once they both reach manhood… If they ever do, that is. She lets her eyes sweep across the crowd of people; even those with no warrior kin to say goodbye to have flocked to the gate to see off their heroes. These are all people who would have been affected if Marley's solution to the Eldian problem,_ Jormungandr_, had been a success. Reiner had not finished his thought out loud yesterday, but Iris thinks that he had not been far from the truth in what he had been saying. _If_ Marley one day devices a new plan to resolve the Eldian issue, these families would probably be rounded up and brought to the trains. There they would be herded into the cars reserved for cattle transports, the doors would close leaving them in complete darkness, and the journey towards their final destination would begin. _Ladies and gentlemen, this train terminates in the serpent's mouth. Please leave your luggage behind; you will not need it where you are going_.

She motions for her squad to wait where they are, and then she starts toward the place where Reiner's mother is trying to smooth out the crinkles in his uniform jacket. He does not look to have slept much, perhaps too busy with his own thoughts to get any rest. His cousin eyes Iris up and down as she approaches, and the enmity on the girl's face is evident. She stands rigidly to attention, raising her hand to her brow. She is wearing her armband, probably on the way out to headquarters to resume her training. Iris gives her a casual smile and nods to the wedge of cheese in her arms, her excuse for not returning the gesture. Out of the corner of her eye she sees Zeke Yeager stand together with what must be his and Eren's grandparents. Had Grisha's journal told of the fate of his own parents? Iris can't remember. Perhaps Eren doesn't even know that he has family across the sea. She does not know whether or not he would care either. The Eren she left behind had been in the middle of trying to figure out where his path was headed. He had wanted to rid the world of titans, but finding out that they themselves were the source of titans might have caused him to change his ambitions.

Are Eren and Zeke cut from the same stuff? Maybe. She had not known him that well, Mikasa had always hovered over Eren like an overbearing mother, and the age difference had served in distancing them from one another... In truth Iris had never really been his friend, only a comrade in arms. Iris feels some amount of kinship with Zeke that she never felt with Eren, but she prefers not to dwell too much on why. Better not get too attached to Zeke either in case they end up trying to kill each other.

Reiner is looking at her now, and as their eyes meet his tight lined face seems to kind of… smooth out, become softer. She takes that to mean that whatever discord there was between them as she left yesterday is at least in part forgotten today.

"Vice Captain Braun, Mrs. Braun, miss Braun, good morning to you all." She dares a smile. "Are we all set to go?"

Reiner gives the cheese in her arms a puzzled look. It is a Limburger, and it is a rarity. The fermentation process, followed by a period of ripening to produce this native cheese is a well-guarded secret only known by five people in the world. Or so the tradesman had claimed, and who was she to question him? Cheese is not one of her passions, but then neither is the woman for whom this gift is intended. To Iris a basket hiding six deadly vipers within would have seemed to be the more fitting and symbolic choice of gift, although not very subtle.

"Good morning Corporal. Ready at your pleasure." Reiner replies, and then almost as an afterthought his cheeks flush. Karina Braun shifts from one foot to the other, and though her face remains impassive her posture does nothing to hide her unease.

"Good" Iris imagines that she can feel the eyes of the guards boring into her turned back, their ears cocked, eager to quash any rebellious tendencies, more than willing to administer a repercussive beating or two._ And every once in a while someone ends up dying from one of these well-intended correctional beatings; what a riot. _

"Mrs. Braun I felt obliged to repay your kindness with a small gift. You may share it with your sister and her family if you wish, and thank them for me if you please." She holds the cheese out to Karina who takes it in her hands as if she suspects it to be an armed explosive device.

"Thank you, Corporal Holt. For your kindness and for your service" she offers stiffly.

"You are welcome. Forgive me, I did not mean to intrude on your last moments together." She allows the words to hang in the air.

"We were saying goodbye" Gabi pipes up in a tone that clearly suggests that Iris is doing just that.

"Gabi." Reiner's voice rings out deep and sonorous, causing the girl to look up at him. Iris thinks that this newfound authority suits him well. Clad in his uniform and boots, tall, broad, and stoic, his commanding presence is crippled only by his tired and weary eyes.

"Be good while I'm off, won't you? Train well and try to be kind to the others. Don't talk back to people as much, people don't like being lectured you know. And obey your mother and father."

Gabi nods, brimming with pride. "I will! Next time we see each other will be at the front lines, I heard they will let us ship out next year if the war's still going by then. I'll show them what our family is made of, so don't win until I get there!" She shoots him a winning smile and he ruffles her hair.

"That's good. Just remember, watch your mouth around officers." He turns to his mother. "Don't worry about me ma, I'll be alright. See you when I get home."

"You show them" Karina says gravely. Her large blue eyes are sad and watery. "Show them what happens to those who rise against us." She hesitates a moment. "My boy." She reaches up and cups his cheek in her free hand. "Go now, for the fatherland. My sweet boy, the light of my life." Her voice wavers as she caresses his stubbly cheek. "And when the work is done _you come home_… I-" Karina's voice breaks, and she is unable to finish. Not a single tear leaves her eyes however, perhaps out of care for her son's pride… or her own.

"I love you too ma" he replies self-consciously. When she motions for him to embrace her, he obeys.

Porco Galliard makes his way up to Iris without giving the Brauns' so much as a single look. Half grudgingly he meets her eyes, pausing beside her. Trying to make it look like a casual gesture she lifts her hand, firmly seizing him by the shoulder.

"You make your way over to my team, Galliard. I've got thanks to give before it's time to cheese it." She pinches his shoulder in what she knows is an iron grip, hoping that the force of her hand alone will disguise the prick from the thin needle that she has jabbed into his flesh at the base of his neck. The braided brass circlet around her pinky finger is an idea she took from the ring Annie had been wearing the day they captured her. Hers had been made with a thorn to rip through flesh, while Iris's ring hides a patterned needle point. Galliard does not even flinch, dead set on not giving her the satisfaction of seeing him wince. He does not give any acknowledgement of having appreciated her joke either, or perhaps he had just not noticed the wedge of cheese that Karina Braun is now carrying.

Satisfied, she removes her hand. The poison that he has been absorbing through the soles of his boots is another one of her father's ideas. The toxin that the sea-creatures produce causes paranoia, disorientation, stomach cramps and memory loss in normal human beings. In concentrated doses it causes vomiting, seizures and has a high fatality rate. Of course they were far from sure of how it would affect a shifter considering the rate of their regenerative abilities. The patches underneath the soles of his boots make sure Galliard is always dosed up, and though he has the occasional bout of stomach aches and vomiting he seems to be weathering it well. Jun refreshes the patches, and if not for his special talents Iris would not know how any of this would be possible. She would have had to chance it all on Porco not having obtained enough natural memories from Ymir to recognize her; it had taken years for Eren to gain his, sure, but Eren is not a warrior.

They had trialed the poison a week ahead of picking the warriors up on the first day of Alfred's new assignment. No reports had come in of a shifter being mysteriously ill (or dead), and so far the plan seemed to be working. But she had been very scared being called in front of the warrior unit that day. For all she knew he could have been immune to the toxin, and to this day she cannot be sure that he is not. He seems to be ill though, just rather good at hiding it. His irritability is one thing she has noticed, and the ways he sometimes looks at things intently, as if making sure that he is really seeing what he is seeing. He should also be suffering from blackouts, gaps in his memory. She has noticed how Pieck, the clever girl, seems to be taking care of him. Perhaps she thinks he is close to a breakdown, stricken with grief over his dead brother. It has only been two years since they learned for sure that Marcel is dead.

While muttering something under his breath, Galliard stalks past her, heading outside to join her unit. Without having to be asked Pieck and Zeke, having said their final goodbyes, join him. Colt trails behind them, offering her an enigmatic little smile as he passes her by. Reiner lets go of his mother, who reluctantly follows his example, and turns to Iris. Before he has a chance to say anything she motions for him to get going.

"I'll be right behind you, Vice Captain."

He gives her another puzzled look, and then he heaves his pack off the ground and shrugs it up on his shoulder. He starts towards the others without a single look back. Iris stands still, listening to his footsteps for a moment before she looks at Karina Braun. Dark blue, almost black eyes interlock with teary pale blue ones. Then she leans in and whispers to the woman, confident that Gabi will not overhear.

"Don't worry Mrs. Braun. I will take care of Reiner from now on."

She watches the woman's eyes widen more and more. Her face draws out in a mixed expression of fear and disbelief. Iris turns and walks away.

* * *

The train they are riding with today is nothing but a cargo transport. Alfred meets up with them at the station, unable to mask his growing dismay as he leads them across the platform unable to locate a passenger car. Huffing exasperatedly, he finally surrenders and motions for them to climb into the cargo hold of one of the half-empty cars.

"This seems to be the best we can do today. It seems that the leadership's sense of decorum is on the decline. I wonder what commander Magath would think if he heard of this… but perhaps it is best not to inform him… he has a lot of things to deal with I am sure." Absent mindedly he walks to the back of the car where a great number of barley sacks are shoved in amongst crates containing other goods. Empty sacks suitable for redistribution upon arrival have been stuffed into the gaps, and he yanks a few of them free. Then he finds himself a spot on the floor, lays the roughspuns there, and sits down.

"This'll rattle the old bones" he mumbles.

"Don't you have a sleeping bag, sir? Sit on that." Iris suggests. He looks at her as though she has begun speaking in tongues.

"Those death traps? Never in life Holt. Those things will get you killed, mark my words."

The bell on the station tower starts ringing, and a moment later Iris feels the train moving underneath her feet. She is about to walk to the cargo door to shut it when Jun beats her to it. There's a grinding screech as the door rolls into place, and then light inside the car goes out. There's the sound of bodies shuffling in the darkness, a thud, and then someone is cursing under their breath. Iris digs around inside her front pocket looking for a lighter, but Zeke beats her to it. A small flame is lit only inches from his face, giving his features a strange, distorted look.

"I think there is a lamp. You should be able to reach it Reiner."

Through shared effort they light the lamp, and there's a small sphere of light at the center of the car. The air inside already feels a bit stuffy, and the place will be a sauna by midday.

"Never thought I'd say this, but I miss the capitol already" Iris mutters glumly. The train car jerks unexpectedly and she half sinks, half crashes down onto the floor next to Reiner. A few inches to the right and she would have fallen into his lap. Not exactly the smooth, sliding down next to-motion that she had in mind.

"And here I was under the impression that the capitol is a great city" Zeke comments, offering her a wry and humorless smile.

Crossing her legs Iris lets her pack slip from her shoulders. Philip sits across the car, watching her next to Reiner with a neutral expression. Vinther jabs an elbow into the boy's ribs, turning his attention away from her. He is offered something that looks like a small package of raisins which he accepts. After only a moment's hesitation Vinther digs up another small package, offering it to Colt.

"Well" Iris drawls. She likes the accent of the common folk, it rolls off the tongue in a nice way. "There are plenty of things about it that I like just fine. But it seems to me that behind every mansion there's a gutter" she starts, and sees Alfred turning his face towards her with a look in his eyes that warns her to tread carefully.

"People pay to have the newspapers lie to them" she presses on. "Then they go to see moving pictures where other people dress up and pretend to be someone they're not. Generals plan wars that they never intend to fight in, while violent men wear police badges and guards uniforms. Common folk go to churches to pray to a god they no longer believe in, and then they go home to worship their machines."

Reiner is looking at her as if he suspects she has gone mad, they all are; and perhaps they are right.

"Holt" Alfred whispers, his tone is low and deadly. "Keep your blasphemy to yourself. There are those of us who have people we care about to consider, perhaps you could keep that in mind next time you feel obligated to voice your opinion."

"Oh come on" she replies, transfixing Vinther with her most intimidating stare. "We are all on the same side here. We have all shed blood for the fatherland."

Seeming to assume that she is talking to him, Vinther puffs his chest out. "I'm not some informer if that's what you think, Corporal Holt. Do you know what happens to informers out there? But I won't lie for you, or anyone else for that matter."

To her right Zeke seals the cigarette he has been rolling and lights it. He leans back lazily, his expression that of someone who had let their thoughts wander, barely registering the chatter around him. He takes a long pull from his cigarette, and lets out a long trickling trail of smoke.

"I think I just heard you praise General Calvi for his leadership skills, a very fine and fair assessment of his capabilities. And you are right; our city _is_ the pinnacle of modern society."

A pregnant pause follows in which they all look at each other, wordlessly challenging anyone to contradict him. No one does, but the tension remains almost palpable within the car. Iris leans back, supporting herself on her hands as she looks up towards the ceiling. The stuffy air inside the car is now polluted with the stink of Zeke's unfiltered cigarette, and she feels her head swimming slightly.

"Zeke" she ponders aloud. "Short for Ezekiel."

"Hm?" the man in question offers, but she barely hears him. Her mind is whirring, and once again she is struck with the irony of it all.

"It means 'God strengthens', or alternatively 'The strength of God'. Your parents must have held such high hopes for you."

Perhaps it was cruel of her to add that last bit, but if he was offended by it he did not let it show.

"I fear my parents were more than a bit overzealous in naming me. I'm sure you heard that they are condemned traitors."

"The strength of God sent them to paradise…" she mumbles in response, unable to ignore the surge in the pit of her stomach. _In mythical terms, Ezekiel could even be interpreted to mean "the hand of God". Circumstances leading to more ironic circumstances, or is this __**los**__? _Iris shifts uncomfortably.

"Is the origin of names one of your interests?" Zeke asks her coolly. Iris blinks, still shook by the feeling that has taken hold of her.

"I suppose it is" she agrees, intent on not letting her awe show through. She looks to Reiner on her left and finds his face as unreadable as ever, but she suspects that the course of his conversation has displeased him. His rigid seat and tight mouth suggests as much.

"More specifically, I find old names interesting because they often have hidden meanings. Like yours, Reiner." She gives him a friendly nudge with her elbow, and he gives her a look of mixed surprise at being addressed.

"Ancient in origin, your name would typically be interpreted to mean "Strong counselor", the latter part, counselor, having strong ties to war-counsel. Because of this it _could _also be interpreted as "Counseling warrior" – Ironic, isn't it?" She smiles. Reiner gives such a doubtful look she is forced to wonder if he suspects that she is making fun of him. The smile wants to fade from her lips but she holds onto it. _What have I done to make you look at me that way? _

"Are you sure? It sounds a little far-fetched…" he mutters slowly, completely forgetting his manners. Iris has noticed that Zeke tends to do the same most of the time, but Reiner has never been anywhere near as shrewd or as unquestionable as Zeke. Now she sees Pieck's eyes glimmer with newfound interest, and she does not think it has anything to do with Karina Braun's debatable foresight.

"I'm sure" she replies and smiles lopsidedly. _If the jig is up then give them something real to think about. _She looks deep into his eyes and leans into him, wishing she could do more_. _"Perhaps you were destined to be here" she finishes softly. She sees that he has realized his own mistake and knows what she is doing. He clears his throat, and while that reaction is something he manufactured she somehow doubts that the slight flush of his cheeks is. Reluctantly she pulls back, secure in that everyone here now knows or think they know the nature of their relationship.

She looks around and finds Vinther appalled at this new realization, while Colt beside him gives her a look of deep sympathy. Again she thinks that his brother Falco looks just like him.

"Close your flap Jannik, I can see your breakfast." She leans back again, feigning relaxation. Reiner, much less tense than before, looks down into his lap; chuckling under his breath. The sound seems to reverberate through her, filling her with joy. It is so good to hear him laugh. She sees an almost invisible smile grace Pieck's lips, and thinks that Pieck must care for him. Perhaps they all care about each other in one way or another.

"By the way Vinther, your name means "God is gracious"" she says, and then notices that Galliard is staring at Reiner. The resentment and naked rage she reads on his face gives her pause, and worriedly she wonders if this is the work of her poison. Perhaps he feels his life and his sanity slipping between his fingers, poor thing. Discretely she looks around for Jun and finds him sitting in the back, outside of the halo of light cast by the lamp. He seems to have his eyes on Galliard, and that is good.

"You know a lot of biblical names, but I would never have taken you for a believer." Zeke's remark comes off as innocent, but is it? She does not know, but finds the idea of him trying to get underneath her skin unnerving.

"Belief is interesting, but I never found the courage to believe for myself. Who knows, maybe names _do_ have meaning. If so, I guess I am lucky." She smiles secretively, half wanting to keep it to herself and half wanting to slap him in the face with it. Siri is the reversal of the name her mother had given her, yes. But it is much more than that. It is a boastful name, one of great meaning. Perhaps it is mere coincidence that her name mirrored would be this, but she is not sure she believes in coincidence anymore.

Inquisitively Zeke tilts his head and raises his eyebrow at her cocky smile. She wonders what he makes of the triumph on her face - Does he like it? Mistrust it? Normally she prides herself on the ability to analyze people, but Zeke is difficult. He is one cool cat.

"Please" he drawls, mimicking her accent perfectly. "Don't make me beg."

Behind her, Alfred titters. She stares at him unimpressed.

"What?" he shrugs and smiles. "He sounded just like you."

"Really?" she looks around with growing exasperation. To her annoyance they all seem to be agreeing, even Porco. Jun's face twists into a grin.

"Alright" she surrenders. "Perhaps it sounded a little like me." She looks at Zeke who unflinching holds her gaze. His face is discretely smug. _I bet you grew that beard so that you could smile without people noticing. _For a moment she is tempted to tell him the story she heard of a Roskiye officer who made a habit of cutting the noses off of people he felt had insulted him in some way or another, but then she decides to keep that story for another time.

She thinks through the words she is about to speak, feeling a surge of power run through her.

"Siri means "Beautiful victory"." She smiles.

"Oh" Zeke hums, seemingly impressed. "A good name, it suits you… I wonder though, victory over what? Or whom?"

She sucks her cheeks in, pretending to ponder the answer.

"I don't know yet, but I'm sure I will one day. If we are still together at that time I will make sure to tell you."

"As good an answer as any. Cigarette?"

She accepts the offer. The train rattles on as the hours drag by. Her joints begin to ache and she can't feel her butt cheeks anymore. She stands up and walks in small circles, trying to shake some life back into her stiff limbs. They were brought to the capitol in luxury befitting royalty, paraded in front of the crowds like prized possessions, and were then shipped out like cattle. Elevate the Ymirites, raise them up for a night and give them a taste of decency and value, and then shove them back down into the dirt where they belong. Is she reading too much into this? No, not a chance.

She sees that Jun had spread his sleeping bag atop a few of the crates at the front of the car, and now he lies there with his eyes closed. He has not made a single effort to communicate since they woke that morning. Whatever door he had opened under the cover of darkness has been shut again. A year they have been together, and not once has he made an effort to tell her anything about himself… not until now. And he had embraced her, crossing some kind of invisible line they had established without realizing it. It would have been inappropriate if not for the simple fact that there is no tension of _that _kind between them.

_Would anyone be attracted to him the way he is? _That thought makes her indescribably sad, because the most likely answer is "No".

She goes to his side and finds that his usually troubled face now looks serene and relaxed. Perhaps he is really sleeping. He has made an art of pretending to be asleep, but there's an openness to his features right now that leads her to believe he is not faking. She looks at the jagged scar across his cheek. _Bekh'im Goldfang liked to bite his boys._ Jun has healed teeth marks on the back of his shoulders. Now that his mouth is free of all tension his upper lip seems less twisted; the snarl has left his face. He has pronounced cheekbones and his nose might have been chiseled before it was broken. His slanted eyes speak of eastern descent, but he does not look Hizuru to her. And there's that strange language he had claimed to… speak? Think in? Pamphylian… He looks eastern but she knows _all_ the nations to the east, and he is from none of them. She tries to imagine his face without the scar, but it is impossible. _I saw glimpses of you from before… I'm sure you did not mean for me to see that much. You were a beautiful child._

That thought makes her even sadder. She looks at the hair falling across his forehead, thinking of how vexed he had been when she insisted that he get his hair cut. In the end he had allowed Herta, Philip's mother, to cut it, visibly uncomfortable with having a pair of scissors that close to his face. She raises her hand to brush some of the hair from his brow, and jumps when he seizes her by the wrist. A startled gasp escapes her mouth, and his eyes open. They look at her, black and as deep as oceans. He lets go of her wrist.

"Do you ever go into deep sleep?" she asks, trying to slow her racing heart. The only answer he offers her is a half-smile that could mean either "Of course" or "That's a pretty dumb question".

As long as he refuses to read, to write, and to sign he will be cut off from other people. _And even if he starts doing all those things he is marked for life. Women would see his body and either want to weep or run away. Most would not even get that far. One look into his eyes is enough to tell you he holds no hatred in his heart. Instead he has killed men he pitied, women whose affections he desired, children that he wanted to protect. That is the true savagery of it. _

She turns away hoping that the connection they have only goes from him to her. Iris does not want him to think that she pities him, because she knows that there is little dignity to be found in being pitied… But she does pity him.

Vinther seems to be talking of all the things he has been up to during their stay, his face bright and aglow with excitement.

"You should have seen the explosion, it created a huge crater in the ground. The dummies they had placed several hundred yards away were torn to shreds by pressure wave. The colonel said that we can make lots of them, the only problem right now is the delivery system. The technology is years from being ready to use in active combat, but just imagine the possibilities. It'll eliminate trench warfare completely."

"Are they sure those things are really a good idea?" Philip asks. He and Colt do not appear to be sharing their friend's enthusiasm.

"Of course they are a good idea. We could win wars by detonating them in the right places, and less soldiers would have to die. Anyway… Once we were done there we went to see the place where they train the mine detecting dogs. Apparently there's always a shortage of them, because they die faster than we can make new ones. Makes you ask how effective they really are if they get blown up all the time."

"I think it is cruel to use dogs that way" Bjergsen comments softly. "Sergeant Fincke strapped a pipe bomb onto one of his dogs and tried to send it to the enemy trench. It didn't make it that far though, in fact it didn't even get halfway there. The bomb exploded and… clumps of fur rained down on us… fur and… something else. It was awful… I like dogs, I like them a lot."

"I hadn't thought of it like that… I guess I like dogs too" Jannik mumbles, seemingly crestfallen. Colt nods his agreeance.

"Me too. There are lots of strays in the internment zone because people can't spare enough to feed them. It's a shame."

Iris resumes her pacing, counting down the minutes until this miserable train ride is over. Her movement causes Philip to look up at her with his sad blue eyes.

"Do you like dogs, miss?"

Iris stops. Does she like dogs, she ponders. To tell the truth it has been years since she thought of dogs _at all_. Cats too, but most of all she rarely thinks about dogs. There had been desert hounds in Osman, and hyenas too but they rarely bothered the nomad people. She looks at the three teenagers, and they seem to be taking her silence as the wind-up to a story. She supposes there is a story there, one that she has never told anyone. It seems befitting her mood, telling that old story now.

"I guess I used to love dogs" she begins, finding herself a crate that is steady enough to lean against. "We never had any pets in the house when I was little. None of my parents had ever said I was not allowed one, more like we were just "not that kind of family". But I would daydream that my father would come home one day and tell me that he had brought something for me, and out in the yard there would be a puppy. I imagined him to be spotted in black and white, and perhaps from a lack of imagination I'd name him Spot. He would always be happy to see me, would wait by the door for me to come home, and when I was sad I would bury my face in his fur. I would teach him to fetch, and he would run by me when I was riding, and when my birthday came around I'd wrap a gift for myself and pretend that it was from Spot… I uh, did not have many friends growing up…

Anyway… My father never came home to give me a puppy, and by the time I had turned eleven I had stopped hoping. One day my mother sent me to the baker, and on the way home I found a stray pup in one of the alleys. I spoke to him he wagged his tail at me. He was so hungry he even ate the bread I tossed to him, and then he followed me home. I was scared that father would not let me keep him, so I kept him in my room from the time he came home until he went to bed. If he found out later that he had been living alongside a dog for weeks without noticing, he would let me keep my dog, or so I hoped.

On the second day my puppy slipped out when I opened the door, and he ran down the hallway and went straight up to where father was… I was afraid that he would be angry, not that he was angry a lot but when he was he scared me, but upon seeing the pup he seemed completely calm. He said that if the dog was to stay he needed a name. He was not spotted so that name was out, and he looked too wild to have a name like that. I liked his red fur, so I named him Brand. Father helped me bathe him, and rubbed something on him to get rid of the fleas. Then we went and bought ground beef, kidneys, chicken livers and other things to feed him with. I took this to mean that Brand could stay and I don't think I had ever been happier. Father said I had to train him every day to do his business outside and to obey, and I did. For three months Brand was my only friend.

One day father came home with a strange look on his face. It made me worried, and when he disappeared out into the backyard I felt relieved. Later he came to my room, knocked on the door and told me to join him out in the yard. "Bring Brand along" he said, so I did. When Brand and I get outside I see father standing over by the hackberry bushes, next to one of the tubs our maids use. We walk up to him and I see that he has filled the tub. I look into his face and that is when I understand what we are doing out here. He shows me how to grip Brand by the scruff, and tells me that I must keep my grip very firm. Then he tells me to lift Brand up, to take him by the scruff and to push his head into the water. He tells me to hold him under until he stops struggling. At first Brand does not struggle, but then he does. He fights harder and harder, and he tries to whip his head around to bite me, but I hold him. I hold him tight, just like father showed me. His back paws claw against the side of the tub and the sound makes me want to scream. Water splashes onto my face and I can't see my hands anymore. My mind is screaming that this is wrong, wrong, wrong, it is all _wrong_ but I can't stop now. Then his body goes limp and heavy and I know that it is too late to take it back…" She stares into thin air, remembering the little droplets in the pup's fur. Remembers his weight in her hands... The water in her eyes… running down her cheeks.

"My father dug a hole in the ground behind the hackberry bushes, and we put him there. Then we went inside and had dinner, and never spoke of it again… Ever since then I can't stand dogs. I suppose that some illogical part of me is even afraid of them, afraid that they will look at me and _know _what I did."

She remains still, leaning against her crate, not wanting to look at any of them right now. Everyone inside has gone quiet, but outside the wheels whine along the tracks, the cars shake and rattle, and the wind is moaning softly.

"Dear God" Alfred breaks the spell, taking his lord's name in vain.

"That is…" Colt seems to search for words. "Awful."

Iris thinks of her father, and of how much she had loved him. She remembers another time, she was six, maybe seven years old, and her father calls her into her study. He has a syringe in his hands, and tells her to sit on the chair. The syringe frightens her, it looks so big and she is so small, but he says not to be scared. She is of his line, and their blood is old and brave. He says that what is in the syringe will make her body stronger, more able to resist disease, and she thinks that she does not want to get sick but she does not want to get a shot either. She wants to make him happy though, and when he tells her to sit still and to look at the wall she does what he asks, her eyes spilling over with tears. The shot hurts and she cries, but it is over soon and after he goes to fetch his secret notebook, puts her on his lap, and begins to tell her the stories of the people in the book. She feels better then, and soon forgets about the syringe and the pain.

Red boils cover her face and neck and shoulders on the day after, but her temperature is normal and her father says that since they pay for her to get a first-rate education she will to go to school despite the boils. She is in first grade and likes learning to read and how to count, but her stomach feels like it is in a tight knot when she walks the short distance to school that morning. Once there the kids laugh and jeer and they call her Pigface Iris. _"Pigface, pigface! Watch out here comes pigface! If she gets too close she will try to kiss you, and your face will melt too!"_ And that afternoon she weeps openly in the street as she runs home, even though she is too big to cry like a baby. When her father comes home he takes her into his arms, rocks her gently as she cries against his chest, and whispers to her that "People are cruel". Now that she thinks of it: He never told her just what sickness the shot was for. No new cures were ever announced and just like a certain dog she loved years later, they never spoke of it again. _People are cruel._

"Miss" Philip says, breaking her away from her thoughts. "Don't blame yourself; it wasn't right what he did. You are kind, and a _good_ person."

The words feel like a slap to the face. She finds herself struggling to keep her composure, keep that face stale and cold. _A good person. What a joke… like any of that matters. I was asked to name my price and I did; my price is Reiner. You must all make way so I can have him, or break underneath me. _

"It is a tactic the Roskiye have used for a long time. The Vecheka are put through that final test before they receive their assignments." She sounds calm, almost tranquil.

In meeting Zeke's eyes across the car she thinks that _this_ is the kinship. Her father loves her, just like Grisha no doubt loved Zeke. It is the kind of love you never recover from, the kind of love that comes with the knowledge that war never ends.

Reiner looks from her to his warchief, then back again. He does not like what he is seeing, that much is clear. Just like she does not understand Karina who condemned her son to die young, or how Reiner can love a cousin volunteering to be his executioner, or why he remains loyal to a nation such as this one; just like all those things she cannot understand about him, he cannot understand the humanity she sees in Zeke. She walks back to her previous spot, sits next to Reiner and puts a hand on his arm. For one moment she is afraid that he will pull away, disgusted to be touched by the kind of person who kills puppies that love them. But he remains where he is, and when he turns his head to her his eyes are full of warmth and sadness.

Galliard looks at them with envy and a hatred that worries her somewhat. When thinking clearly most of them would realize that it is better for them to turn the other cheek to something like this, rather than risk the scrutiny of the higher ups. They can't take the Armored from Reiner because no one is ready yet, and they can't pull him from the field because they need his strength. They could hang her if word got out, but the warrior program has not been such a whopping success because Marley kills the people the warriors care for. The real problem here is that Iris doubts that Galliard is operating in a rational way anymore. Iris senses that Pieck has figured out that she might have something to gain from Corporal Holt's infatuation with one of them, and Pieck does have a way with Galliard… But if he derails completely that won't matter… And there's Jun to consider, him they _could _hurt. She needs those letters decrypted _right now_. Time is running out.

The remaining hours of their train ride pass slowly. Iris tries to work every angle, apprehend every possible outcome until she feels like she is about to lose her shit completely. She wants a drink, she does not want a drink. Hyperawareness is the last thing she needs right now. Just as she despairingly thinks that this fucking ride will never end the train slows. Instead of jumping up like she had intended she staggers to her feet, moaning and stretching. She sees that Alfred is trying to mask the ache in his joints and walks to him, offering her hand which he takes. She pulls him up.

The train jerks to a stop, they all gather their packs, the door opens and they all squint as the daylight blinds them. Once her eyes have adjusted she sees the frenzied activity going on outside. The platform is small, and the town beyond it can't have housed more than a thousand people during the peace. Some of the buildings have been reduced to ruins, and tents have been erected in between them to make up for the loss of housing. A young sergeant pounces on them as soon as they step out of the train, telling them to follow him to their assigned quarters for the night.

Once they make it there Iris sees that the building is a place of worship. She wonders how its guardians feel about housing soldiers underneath its roof, but then she realizes that perhaps the guardians are all dead by now.

"Sergeant Winzer" Alfred questions the man, who seems to be in a hurry. "What about the women?"

"They go with the rest of you."

"I must ask you to reconsider, it is not proper" Alfred argues. Winzer sighs and throws his hands out.

"Captain Linder I have my orders. If you have a problem with them then take it up with Colonel Shürer. I would really advice against it though sir, he does not suffer fools. If they cannot share quarters with men, then perhaps they should not be here. This is a _war_ we are fighting sir."

Just as he has finished talking an explosion rocks the ground they stand on. Instinctively they duck, but only silence follows the deafening roar of the detonation. For a moment the entire camp seems to hold its breath. Then a scream pierces the silence.

"God damn it" Winzer curses, straightening himself. "That's the second land mine in a week, even though the dogs have searched the area twice. Be careful where you step people, keep the titan vessels inside the church-or-whatever for the night, they must be delivered to the checkpoint safely. I'll be off now sir, gotta inspect the damage."

He hurries off.

"How rude, I ought to report him" Alfred comments indignantly, watching the back of the man as he jogs towards the place where someone is screaming.

They used the smaller door to the side of the massive gates leading into the place of worship. Inside there is a large rectangular courtyard. The fountain at the center of the courtyard is dry, and looks to have been that way for a while. They cross the yard and are led into a great, almost empty hall that is housed underneath a domed ceiling.

They settle in one of the corners of the large hall. Apart from the bugs that have found their way in, the place is deserted. Their voices echo even as they are speaking quietly to one another. As soon as she has tossed her things to the ground, Iris asks her captain to have a word in private. He walks her onto the yard outside, seemingly troubled by her request.

"What is it Holt?"

"Is there an office here that I could use for a couple of hours?"

"I don't know. What is it that you want to do?"

"I need a place with a door that locks, and a few hours alone with Philip."

The request makes him visibly uncomfortable. "With Bjergsen? Why? Please tell me you are not planning to- Colonel Bjergsen is not someone you want to get in trouble with. Besides, I thought the warrior was the one you wanted to get close to."

"Seriously?" She laughs bitterly. "Do you think that lowly of me Alfred? It is nothing like that, I need his mind. The less you know the better, you have enough secrets to protect."

He looks at her, not without an amount of hurt in his eyes.

"You are going to twist my hand on this if I say no, I take it. Whatever game you are playing I have a feeling that it is going to end very badly for me… and for you."

"I swore to you that your family would be safe. So far, have I not done everything I promised that I would? Have I not followed orders even when my conscience spoke against it?"

The answer to that is "Yes" and they both know it. Instead of offering her a reply Alfred chews his lip. The emblems pinned to his chest reflect the sunlight, gold and enamel glimmering like precious gems.

"What in the world did you find in Osman, Siri? What madness possessed you to keep dragging us all towards the abyss?"

"Can you give me a few hours with Philip? Pretend to have sent us out on some errand."

"The warrior will die in a few years no matter what you do, either a new host will devour him or the curse will claim him. Don't throw your life away."

"It is not up to you to decide that. Give me what I want."

"You know I will, it is not like you give me any choice. Please keep it quick and… you won't hurt the boy, will you?"

_Define "hurt" please. _"I will try very hard not to. I care about him."

He gives her a contemptuous look. It hurts.

"When has that ever stopped you? … God help us both."

She looks to her right, and sees that across the courtyard there are doors along the wall. Perhaps they are doors that have a locking mechanism. She needs to retrieve the documents from Jun before they can act too.

"Your god does not care about us. What are those doors over there?"

Ignoring the look of indignation and puzzlement on Lindner's face, Iris totters across the courtyard. There are ten doors in total along the wall, cast in shadow by the overhanging roof that rests upon the row of pillared arches. Upon closer inspection she sees they all from the outside as well as the inside. She found the key in the keyhole on the inside of the door, and peered into the room within. There was a window on the opposite wall, the room was shaped like the letter "L" and a door on one of the walls made her suspect that there was a privy attached to the room. A narrow bed stood against one of the walls. There was a small table with only one chair pushed up against it. The walls were made of stone, and the room was cool. That signaled to her that the walls were thick, which was good, but the door was much less sturdy. Raised voices would be heard through it… The best odds of no one inside the complex overhearing them would come from picking the door farthest from the prayer hall in which they were squatting, but what if someone came by outside the holy place and heard something?

"Captain, I need you to go into the room on the far end, close the door around you, wait ten seconds and then I want you to shout for me. Do it three times, loudly. I will run outside and see if I can hear you."

Alfred's eyes bulged.

"You said you would not hurt the boy."

"I need to know that we can talk loudly without anyone overhearing."

He gives her a doubtful look. "Alright Holt. As you wish."

He starts towards the room on the far end, and she jogs back the way they had entered. Once outside she sprints, worried that she will miss his callings. Huffing slightly she reaches the point of the outer wall where she estimates that the room within is located, and there she waits. At first she hears nothing… nothing… _there… _faintly she hears someone call her name, but it is difficult to tell even which direction the voice is coming from. Satisfied that it will give her the privacy she requires she makes her way back.

Lindner has opened the door to whatever kind of room it is that he is in, and as he sees her return he comes to her. His affection for her wars across his features, locked in battle with the suspicion and fear in his heart. He is a good man despite all his flaws; old fashioned, easily impressed by titles and surprisingly pious for a man of war… but also astonishingly colorblind and raceblind, a true believer that a man's worth is decided by his heart, and terribly saddened deep underneath by the fact that his son is… soulless and vicious. He has looked at her with a father's pride many times, something that her own father never did. Now he looks at her with grief and foreboding.

"Satisfied?"

"Yes, we will use that room. Let us go back, I need to fill Jun in and then I will give you a signal. When I do you pull me and Philip out, for whatever reason you can think of. I will take care of the rest."

He looks at her for a long time. Uneasy and stressed out she waits for him to give her some kind of confirmation that he is ready. She taps her foot, chews her lip.

"You can still turn back."

"Time only goes one way. We can never turn back. Now let's say no more of philosophy or any of that crap. Are you ready?"

"Yes, alright. Yes."

They go inside. Several of them have wandered off into the bowels of the building to explore the rooms and corridors. Only Jun and Reiner remain, the former full at work with sharpening one of his shortswords, the latter at hand with needle and thread, patching holes in his clothing. She looks at Reiner's neat cross-stitching, thinking that he never ceases to amaze her.

"You're good at that" she comments. He looks up at her, apprehensive at first, appreciative when he realizes that she means it.

"It's nothing. Most of my stuff would fall to pieces if I didn't patch it back together."

"I did always like a man with nimble hands" she murmurs quietly, hoping that Alfred won't overhear. The comment makes him smile a little. Aware that this is no time to stand around, she walks over to Jun and leans down until her mouth is level with his ear.

"The documents."

He puts the whetstone down, and then brings his hand to the toe of her boot.

"_In the thermos" _

She digs through his pack, finding the thermos almost immediately.

"You don't mind if I borrow this, do you?" she asks him. Jun shakes his head. "Thanks."

"Where is private Bjergsen?" Alfred asks without betraying a hint of his emotional turmoil.

"Here sir" comes a voice from the opposite side of the room where a wooden staircase leads up to a small, wooden balcony. A pair of blue eyes pops up over the balcony side.

"Ah… good. Private, you are to go with Holt. She will fill you in on the details. I expect you both to be back before ten tonight."

She sees Bjergsen rise to his feet, mumbling goodbye to someone else inside the balcony. Two voices answer him, so she takes it that Jannik and Colt are also there. _Those two together without Philip to mediate? That's going to be strange… _Trying to look casual she swings Jun's thermos in one hand as she walks to meet the boy. He does not even ask her where they are going, just follows her out of the massive door leading outside.

"Pretty sad to see the fountain like that… this whole place really. People use this place to pray, don't they miss?"

"Aye that they do. Although right now they might not want to be here anyway."

She steers them to the room that she has chosen. When Bjergsen sees the interior of it he hesitates on the threshold.

"Miss, what exactly are we supposed to be doing in here?"

"Go inside, sit down. I will tell you in a moment."

He obeys. She closes the door behind them and turns the key around until she hears a click. She tries the door wanting to be completely sure that it is locked. She leaves the key in the door, turns around and meets Philips nervous blue eyes. He is sitting on the bed.

"No need to worry." She gives him her best smile. "Alfred needs you to do something for him, and it is important that it is done in secret. That is why we are here."

"Oh… okay. Does it have anything to do with my code?"

Iris nods at him, and he relaxes. His smile is warm and trusting, and he looks proud. He should be, he is the youngest and most accomplished cryptographer she has ever heard of… Not that she has heard of that many, but the ones she has read up on were all men grown with lots of field experience and acquired knowledge.

"You knew that Valkyrie was mine before we met, didn't you miss?"

"I did."

"How did you know?"

"Bornemann told me"

He seems surprised by this. Bornemann was his old superior officer, and the one who made sure that someone else got the credit for the creation of Valkyrie. The General is a stout man with a bushy mustache, his hair powdered with grey. For a moment Philip seems to ponder why a general would reveal such a secret to a regular soldier. The intense blush creeping up his face lets her know that he has thought of a reason why. _Cards on the table now Iris, no reason to keep something like that to yourself. _The boy stares down at her boots, suddenly too embarrassed to even look at her, much less say anything in response to this revelation.

She opens the cap to Jun's thermos, pulling the tightly rolled documents from within.

"You are to decrypt these. No pressure, take your time. The contents of these are very important."

Out of her pocket she pulls four sheets of folded papers and a fountain pen. She has come prepared, just in case the opportunity would present itself today. The order surprises him enough to make him look up at her.

"Sure… I have my book with me" he says uncertainly. She had not even considered that he might need additional tools to do this, cryptography is really far beyond her capabilities. She could have gone through all this trouble only to have him tell her that it was impossible to decrypt the plans right here. The thought makes the sweat break on her back.

"This is Captain Lindner's orders?"

"Did you not hear him back there?"

"I did but this is pretty unconventional. I thought no one knew I could decrypt, so why would someone give Lindner documents like those?"

She resists the urge to wipe the sweat from her brow. She decides that instead of entangling herself in half assed lies, she will trust in Philip's wish to think the best of her. So she smiles warmly.

"I'm sure the captain will tell you when you ask him later. Now come on, don't make me beg."

"Alright." He stands up and walks to the table where she has placed the rolled up documents. He sits on the chair, still a bit red around the ears. From his pocket he pulls a little notebook, and from the glimpse of its contents she deduces that it is filled with strange signs and what looks like mathematical symbols. Just as he is about to unroll the battle plans she places one of her hands on his shoulder.

"Do you have any idea how special you are? I almost could not believe it when I heard that the genius who created Valkyrie was a teenage boy."

"Oh it's not much" he says, blushing hard. "I'm not even that young, sixteen next year."

"A young man then." She pats his shoulder. "I'll occupy myself while you work. As I said, no pressure. Take your time."

To her grief he smiles at her. "I won't need that much time, this is really not that difficult."

_So eager to show you what he can do, hoping to impress you no doubt. How does it make you feel Iris? _She quashes the thought, and sits down on the bed. Leaning her back against the wall she pulls the little book of poems from one of her pockets. Although it contains some of her favorites she finds it hard to focus on the written word right now. Her eyes keep darting towards Philip's turned back.

He unrolls the documents, puts the blank sheets of paper in front of him. Then he opens his little black book, bows his head down low, and begins his work. The sound of the fountain pen against the paper seems inappropriately loud, and she catches herself muffling the sound of her own breaths in order to listen to the pen against the paper. Smooth strokes, calm. He seems to be decrypting without thinking through or reading the contents of the documents. Ten minutes pass by and so far he seems calm and focused.

After twenty minutes she can feel her sweat soaking through her clothing. Her crotch feels warm and moist. She shifts her seat, uncomfortable no matter what she does. Half an hour goes by, then forty minutes. She sees that he is reaching the end of the first page, still showing no sign of upset. She on the other hand is coiled up, body ready to spring at any moment.

Philip pauses in his writing, straightening his back and stretching his shoulders. Then his body goes rigid, his breathing seizes as he stares at what is in front of him. Her own breath hitches in her throat, and she is afraid to move because if she does she will break the spell and then things will happen so fast there will be no time left to think. She counts the seconds, and when her count reaches ten she can't stand the silence anymore.

"Something wrong?" Her voice sounds strange, small, tremulous and uncertain. If he was not convinced of the wrongness of this situation before he must be now. He turns his head towards the sound of her voice but his spine remains straight as a razor. _Like an owl _her mind screams. _Just like a goddamned owl._

"Corporal." His voice is completely flat, and the vacant look in his one eye, the only eye she can see over his stiff shoulder, is that of a dead thing and not a living boy. "These documents should not be here. The only reason they would be here is if…" His voice trails off.

She meets his one eye, and the knot in her stomach loosens. They stare at each other for a long, breathless moment. Then slowly, almost as if he thinks she will not see the motion if he just does it slowly enough, like she is some kind of lizard or something, he turns his head back around. Around it goes with creeping speed until his eyes turn towards the door.

_You did not remove the key Iris._

The thought hits her the same moment he flies up in a burst of speed. He is halfway towards the door, arms outstretched and ready to grasp for the key. Their bodies slam together as she jumps at him, grabbing for his arms or anything else she can grab hold of. He is just about her height and rather skinny but in his fright he is stronger than she could ever have anticipated. He drives one of his elbows into her stomach, and she feels herself coil against the pain. A hard shove sends her crashing backwards, her tailbone connects with the hard stone floor sending a jolt searing pain up her spine, and she cries out. He reaches the door and she sees his finger fumbling with the lock. In his panic he tries to turn it with brute force, causing the lock to jam.

She throws herself onto her stomach, grabbing onto both of his ankles and yanks him off his feet before he has time to aim a kick at her face. He falls forward, banging his face against the door with a hard _thunk _as he goes down. She pounces on him like a cat, hoping that he will just stay down but it is a futile hope. He bucks underneath her and though she is putting all her weight on him she feels him get a knee up. He struggles onto his feet with her hanging onto him like a baby possum, her arms crossed over his throat, choking him. His hands fly up to claw at her forearms, gasping for breath. She undoes her chokehold on him only to seize him by the crook of his elbows, forcing both of his arms back. As he draws one long gasping breath she wrenches him to the side, throwing off his balance. Together they struggle backwards and she is slammed against the wall hard enough to drive the breath from her. But she was ready for it and now she releases his arms only to lock hers around his thin body in a bear hug. His mad strength is waning, and even at his peak he is no match for her in a fair fight. Her grip around him is iron, she could squeeze the life right out of him like this, cave his chest in until his ribs would perforate his lungs, but she won't do that. He struggles in her arms, thrashing from side to side as she drives her knee into the back of his knee. Together they sink down to a sitting position, her back leaning against the wall. He screams and thrashes as his hands claw the air, no doubt thinking that she is going to kill him.

"Sssh" she whispers into his ear, over and over again as he bucks and throws, the heels of his boots drumming against the stone floor. He is crying, his screams become choked until he is screaming no more. She hushes him, gently, thinking of how frail he feels in her arms. Her face is wet, her breath ragged. She holds him, waiting for the worst of it to fade. His entire body is trembling, one violent shake of his head smashes his scalp into her front teeth. She feels her lip split and she tastes her own blood. Swallowing it down the hushes while he bawls his eyes out, voice breaking the way voices do when the last gate has been breached and all your bridges are burning.

"T-t-traitor" he cries, tears running, snot running, lips trembling. "Y-y-y-you… I…" Whatever he wants to say does not seem to want to come out. _You used me… I thought I loved you… How could you…. Why? Why, why, why?_

She holds him, hushes him, and as he trembles in her arms she rocks him gently.

"You're going to kill me" he sobs. "I don't want to die. Why, why must I? Traitor, you're a filthy traitor aren't you? Those papers are yours and now I'm going to die for what you have done." He pants as if the words have sucked all the air from his body. The next time he speaks his voice is but a whimper, bleeding hurt into every single syllable.

"You said I was special."

All strength seems to leave him, he goes limp in her arms, head tilting forward as though he lacks the strength to even keep his chin up. She presses her sodden cheek against the back of his head, still shushing gently. She closes her eyes, softening her grip on him ever so slightly. _I don't want to die _he had said.

"Philip" she tries to say but it comes out so weak and choked she is not sure he heard.

"Sssh, Philip. I do not want to hurt you." This time the words come, and her voice is low and soothing. "You are special, more special than you could ever know. I am sorry that I have hurt you. There was no other way than this, but you don't have to be afraid of me. You are not going to die, I swear it. I swear."

"You're a traitor, all you do is lie. Your words are poison" he whines and begins to struggle again. She does not answer him, not then. She tightens her grip, closes her eyes and waits for him to calm down again.

Finally, after what feels like a long time, he does.

"You are right I am a traitor, but I want both of us to live. I want to talk to you, and I want you to listen to me. That is all I ask, that you listen to my story. Hear me out, please. You can make your mind up once you have heard, once you know."

He is quiet. His blonde hair is disheveled from their struggle, jacket twisted and pushed up. She feels his flickering heart, hears his hitching breath and feels the tears that roll down his cheeks and drips onto her clasped hands.

"Will you hear me?" she whispers into his ear. He shudders as if it is death he feels breathing down his neck. Then he nods.

She begins to talk.

He listens without a word as she tells her story from start to finish. She tells him all the important bits, even the unbelievable ones because the time for lies is over. She unclasps her hands turning the grip into an embrace, offering him comfort he no longer wants from her. Without a single attempt to flee he listens, perhaps too stunned or disillusioned to fight.

When she is finished they both sit there for what feels like a long time, listening to the silence. The tears have run their course. The hour is late.

"How could I believe you?" he asks, but she hears the belief in his voice.

"Believe in what your eyes have seen."

"… Okay." He thinks for a moment. "I'm an idiot. You just needed me for the code."

She bites her lip. He was right, at first she had only cared about the code.

"It was that way at first, but it is not that way now. I am sorry that this is how things went down, but there was no other way, you know that don't you?"

"Sure" he says bitterly. "But it doesn't make it seem any better does it? It doesn't make it right, does it miss?"

"No" she replies because it is true. There is no justice in this, only purpose. "Join me. If you can keep the secret you might be safe here, but it is far from certain."

Philip leans his head back against the wall on the side of her face. She sees that his eyes are turned upward, staring at the roof above their heads but seeing right through it.

"You wouldn't leave me behind?" he asks.

"Say the words and I will do everything I can to keep you with me."

"But if it came to choosing between me and mister Braun we both know what you would choose. It does not matter what's at stake does it, you would always pick him, right miss? Because he is the debt owed, the price. If I am to come with you I better come to terms with that. I think I can, even though I hate you a little right now.

"Only a little?"

"Maybe I should hate you a lot. I don't think I will ever see my home again because of you. You lied to me, used me. But you also made me feel like I mattered, like I was someone you could count on. That is why I'll go anywhere you want me to miss."

"You might see your home again…" The words feel like a lie in her mouth.

"I don't think so… What if mister Braun does not pick you?"

She laughs, feeling tired… Oh so tired.

"I really wish people would stop asking me that... He will face an impossible choice, and he will choose me if _los_ wills it."

"If what wills it?"

"Los."

"What is that?"

"What is existence? Why does time only go one way? Why do we live? _**Los**_ is the answer. It is the string through eternity that ties all things together, the flow through the world… through _all _the worlds, because I am pretty sure there are a plenty of them. Maybe an infinite number."

"That sounds insane, miss. So it's like God?"

"No, definitely not."

She feels a fresh tear fall on the back of her hand.

"I'm going to miss my mum" he mumbles.

"You are with me then?"

"It's not much of a choice, is it?"

"I suppose not. I'm sorry Philip…"

"Pardon miss, but I don't really care if you are sorry. It won't give me my mum back."

"No… but time might."

"I don't think so. It doesn't feel that way… would you mind letting me go now miss?"

She lets him go and he climbs to his feet. His eyes are red from crying, and absurdly enough it reminds her of a lullaby. It was about a red star, and a dreamer of sad, sad dreams. A child had been lost, and the dreamer searched near and far for it. The red star lit the path, and the tears that flowed kept the dreamer company. She does not remember how the lullaby ended, or even where she heard it. It might be something she found inside Jun.

_I need to remember to ask him about that later._

She stands, relieved that Philip has made no new attempt to flee the room. He looks at her thoughtfully, putting his weight on one foot, then the other. Her lip feels fat and swollen. She reaches out and takes his hand in hers. He flinches as if he is afraid that her touch will burn him, but he does not pull his hand away.

"Finish decrypting the documents, help me."

"Your lip is bleeding again."

"It will heal."

He nods his consent, and she lets him go. The pen he had been writing with had fallen from the table as they struggled, but she finds it for him. This time she stands by his shoulder as he does his work. When he is done he puts the pen down and sits there for a moment, reading through the details of their route. If these documents were to fall into the hands of the enemy they would know exactly where the warrior unit plans to strike next, when it will happen, and how it will happen.

They are scheduled to continue southeast, reaching Ставрополь in three days. Iris suspects that the three major roads that connect through Stavropol are the reasons for this assignment. The city itself lies in the old disputed lands where the Roskiye have fought against the people of the Eastern alliance and the Osmani warlords for centuries. Right now the East holds it, but its ancient name derives from a dead language that marks it as a holy place. Once Stavropol is taken their journey takes them further south, but this time they will be headed west towards Aleksandrovka, the black city. They will be facing hundreds of miles of flatlands, easy terrain by foot, even easier if you travel by horse. They will pass through a number of checkpoints, marked down with an estimated head count for each one.

"If the enemy got hold of this they would know exactly here to hit us."

"Don't worry Philip, no one will see this except for us."

"Do you know what to do now?"

She nods and grabs the original documents as well as the translated plans. Careful not to rip them she rolls them up tightly and puts them back inside Jun's thermos. If Philip wants to betray her he will have the opportunity to do so within the next few days. She knows what her father would have urged her to do, even going so far as imagining his voice in her mind as he lays out their course of action. But this is not his choice to make.

She steps to the door and turns the key until she hears the lock click.

"Comb through your hair before we go, you look like you have been through the wars. If anyone asks what happened you tell them that you tripped."

He eyes her warily and then combs through his hair with his fingers.

"What will you say happened to you?"

She smiles and her fat lip throbs as the wound opens again. She undoes the buttons on her jacket while keeping her eyes on his face. Her fingers feel for the item inside her inner pocket, a hip flask made of pure silver. She pulls it out, screws the cap off and drinks from it. One swallow is all it takes.

Philip's eyes widen, and the look of marvel on his face is all the confirmation she needs. He will keep the secret.

"Don't forget the thermos." She smiles, opens the door, and steps out into the dying light.


	34. 33

The village situated approximately twenty clicks north of Stavropol had been abandoned long before they arrived. The meager farmland surrounding this village had only supported a small population of workers, and their homes were little more than huts. Stavropol's main business in peace times was trade, hence the major roads connecting at its heart. The factories in which the armored Dartz automobiles were made were another contributor to the city's influential status.

Iris stood at the end of the table they had pulled into the center of the main room inside the small house. The warrior unit surrounded her; Reiner sat at the other far end of the table and Pi was seated to her left, Zeke and the hollow eyed Porco were standing. Jun was lurking in one of the darker corners of the room. He had stalked in behind her when she had returned to inform the warrior unit of their orders. The time to invade the city had come.

"There is a suspicious lack of activity in the critical parts of the city, making it looks like an easy conquest. I say it stinks, and I've said as much to the captain. Told him we should send in reconnaissance teams to scour the outer perimeter before we send any men in there… Or preferably bombard it from afar using the beast titan, but the colonel want us to take the city "intact". I hear he has it in for a lordship if he manages to take the city without destroying the Darz factories."

There's a long moment of silence. Pieck is looking to Zeke as if waiting for him to make an input, but he seems completely occupied with the cigarette pinched in between his fingers.

"I agree. Must be a trap" Reiner finally puts in. Pacing behind him, hunched and tense, Porco reminds Iris of a hungry predator. He snickers and in one quick, jerking motion his head snaps around to transfix Reiner with his red-rimmed stare.

"Hah, of course you do." His upper lip curls in what is a cross between a smile and a sneer.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Porco laughs humorlessly. He steps up to Reiner and leans in until their faces are level. Iris could swear that she has not seen him blink once since she entered.

"You know very well what I mean, Braun. You look fucking ridiculous with your chest puffed out like that, like you think anyone gives a shit about your opinion. That she looks at you like you are god's gift to mankind doesn't change the fact that you're _nothing_. So why don't you do us all a favor and shut your fucking mouth."

Pieck stirs in her seat and leans in over the table.

"Calm down Pock, you don't mean that. Reiner is entitled to an opinion as much as you and I. He happens to be right; we will be sending the troops into a trap."

Porco stands back up scowling and clenching his fists so tightly his knuckles turn white.

"Oh you agree?! Of course you do, you all agree don't you because this is the Reiner Braun pity party and everyone here is part of his fucking fan club. Have you hit your head and forgotten what happens to people who rely on him?! What happened_ last time_ Braun had a plan, eh?!" He swings around furiously, sweeping his eyes across them all without really looking at any of them. The motion unsettles his water combed uppercut hair, and long strands of it falls across his forehead and into his eyes. He makes no move to brush it back.

"Galliard…" Reiner begins but Porco interrupts him.

"Don't you fucking "Galliard" me you gutter rat bastard! They should have taken the armored titan from you when they had the chance! Anyone, even a little girl would have been a more worthy vessel than you!" He points his finger at Reiner as if wishing it was a loaded gun.

"No," he continues louder and louder, voice rising with each uttered word. "They should not have given you the titan in the first place! It was **mine**, and you took it from me you mopey piece of shit! _**I**_ would not have botched the Paradis job like you did! _**I **_would not have lost the female and the colossal titan! _**I**_ would not have lost the jaw titan!"

Porco leans into Reiner and fixes him with his bloodshot eyes. His face is red with anger, eyes blazing as he bellows into his comrade's face.

"_**I**_ would not have let Marcel die!"

He drives both of his clenched fists into Reiner's chest, putting all his strength and all his rage into it. Reiner's chair topples over, propelling him backwards. He hits the floor with a thud, banging the back of his head against the floorboards. The chair clatters as it hops away across the floor. Porco towers over Reiner, his entire body trembling with rage that he must have spent years suppressing.

"This is all your fault, you let him die you bastard! You shittin' miserable failure, you let him die!" Porco lifts his foot and kicks at Reiner with all his force. He does not even raise his hands to shield himself from the impact. The foot connects with his ribs hard enough to knock the breath from him, but he bears it silently. At once Iris falls upon the youngest Galliard brother, twisting his arm up behind him as she pulls him away from Reiner.

"YOU KILLED HIM, YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!"

He twists in her grip as if he is barely registering the pain, bringing down the heel of his boot onto her foot. She sighs from the pain but holds him, gripping around his midsection with her free arm. If she twists any harder his shoulder will pop from its socket. Jun leaves his place in the shadows and comes up to Reiner, offering him his hand. After a moment's contemplation Reiner takes it, allowing Jun to pull him to his feet. He puts one hand across his ribs, wincing slightly from the pain.

Galliard utters a wordless anguished scream as he sees Reiner rise. Then he hangs his head, panting and still shaking from head to toe. Pieck looks pale and troubled but Zeke's deadpan face reveals nothing of this thoughts. Sometimes she wonders if it is this face that was hiding inside the beast titan as he showered the survey corps with rocks, seeing them fall one by one. Is it this face that watched his parents as they were led away by the uniformed men?

All Iris feels as she holds the trembling Galliard in place is pity.

"Reiner did not kill your brother…" she says quietly into his ear, knowing that the others can probably hear her. Porco tenses, and for a moment she thinks he will struggle again. If he does she will snap his shoulder out of its socket. He's a shifter, so it is not like it really matters. But he seems to feel that the fight is lost this time, and instead of soldiering on he goes limp.

"… A titan did" she finishes.

She lets him go and he just stands there, head bowed, hair disheveled. Within moments he brings one arm up, wiping at his face with his sleeve. His shoulders shake and he sways on his feet but he does not make a sound.

"A titan killed him, and nothing you do will bring him back. Who is responsible? Who made things turn out this way? Maybe the answer will not bring you peace, or happiness. Think of the ones who await your return home, the family you still have. If you attack the Vice Captain again I will report you."

He does not make a reply, instead he laughs. It is a shaky, haunted sound that is filled with loss and with regret.

* * *

She hunkers down and runs from the street corner to the doorway of the building to her left. There she presses herself against the door hoping that it will obscure her from view. She listens intently for a moment. The street is silent. She puts her arm out, signaling for Vinther to join her. His footsteps are loud enough to echo down the street as he crouches and runs to her. Together they wait and listen. There is no wind, no sound of footsteps approaching, no hum of machinery. Even the birds seem to have fled this place.

Then, far in the distance she hears the rhythmical thundering of titan footsteps, and she knows that it must be Zeke or Reiner on the move. They are at least eight clicks away from her position, charging into the plaza at the heart of the city. The ground troops have been positioned to advance through the outer perimeter, driving the enemy either towards the center to meet with the armored titan and the beast with its minions, or to drive the enemy out of town to where armored Galliard is equipped to demolish vehicles while Pieck is equipped with machine gun turrets.

She had pitched the idea to divide the platoon into two-man teams moving independently towards a unified target, and the lieutenant in charge had backed her idea. If they would run into an ambush fewer would be caught in one spot, while back-up could pour in quickly where it was needed. It was unconventional as they would normally advance all at once in formation, hoping to overwhelm any hidden machine gun turrets through sheer numbers. The colonel and lord major had both insisted that the coast was clear for their advance, but the leaders had been wrong before. Well, either wrong or just plain liars.

Three times had Syrkov Pass been shelled before the warrior unit was sent there, and three times the officers had claimed that there were no living men left in the enemy trench as they signaled the battalions to advance across no man's land. Each time the enemy had showered them with machine gun fire until the bodies lay piled on top of each other all across no man's land. Whole regiments were wiped out. Over fifteen thousand men were dead before the leaders would admit to themselves that they were in a deadlock.

"All clear Corporal?!" Jannik wheezes into her ear. She would have thought that the empty street ahead of them would be a dead giveaway.

"For now. Let's keep moving, they have to be somewhere."

At the end of the street ahead of them is a hefty building made of white sandstone, perhaps a courthouse or an embassy. She decides that they will get there and inspect the adjoining streets before radioing for the rest of their squad to move in. When she takes aim for the doorway on the opposite side of the street and begins to run Vinther follows without having to be told. The cross sewn to his breast pocket and printed to his helmet might not save him from enemy gunfire, not in the heat of battle.

She pauses briefly as she conceals herself within the doorway, but quickly makes the decision to advance again. There is still no sign of movement ahead of them. The sound of her footsteps against the cobbles echo between the buildings, making it sound as though an entire platoon is charging ahead instead of it being just her. Her heart is beating fast and hard as she wonders if there are people hidden within the top floors of the buildings, snipers waiting for the rest of the platoon to show themselves so they can begin picking them off.

Something to her right explodes, and the cracking boom of the detonation shakes the very earth beneath her feet. She has time enough to register that her ears are ringing, and time enough to see the ball of fire rising towards the sky before the shockwave hits her. The roaring torrent lifts her up into the air, but it is not until she is showered with brick, stone and mortar that she realizes the very building itself has exploded. Stones shower her face in a stinging swarm and she is thrown hither and dither as smoke envelops her. There's a sharp pang of pain as something hits her in the head, and then there is only darkness.

When she comes to there is no telling how much time has passed since she lost consciousness. She pulls in a long breath, coughing as dust tickles the back of her throat. She feels her body, daring to wiggle her toes before she flexes her ankles, knees and hips. Her legs are whole, she decides and starts an inventory of her other limbs. Fingers seem okay, wrists too. One of her elbows ache but it is more of a dull throbbing from blunt trauma than the sharp pangs from a break or fracture. She opens her eyes. Grey mist pushes down upon her like a heavy blanket, blocking out the sky and darkening the world around her. The ground tremor underneath her as it is racked by another explosion, but the sound of crumbling rock is feint as if coming from someplace far away. Her ears still ring deafeningly.

_You have forgotten something Iris._

Something is digging painfully into her lower back, and she realizes that she must be lying down. Funny, that had not even crossed her mind until now. Something sticky that is slowly beginning to dry into a hard crust has plastered her hair to her face. Blood? Maybe… Perhaps she should see if she can still stand.

She sits up slowly but despite her careful movements the pain in her head is overwhelming, and she quickly leans to her right, acquainting herself with her half-digested breakfast. Light and darkness flashes before her eyes and little stars dance in and out of her field of vision as her head pounds.

_Must have been hit by debris, possible head trauma._

_Where is Jannik?_

She feels her eyes water from the pain in her skull and from the dust in the air as she swings her head around. The street around her is completely gone, devastated by what must have been several consecutive detonations. Everywhere she looks she sees parts of crumbled buildings, steel reinforcement bars sticking out of the earth like thorns, cobblestones intermixed with slabs of concrete that still resemble walls though they have been torn from the buildings they once supported.

Iris screams his name across the devastation but her own voice sounds muted and garbled, barely audible over the ringing in her ears. She hears no reply, is not sure she would be able to hear it even if there was one, so she climbs to her feet. Turning on the spot she desperately tries to get her bearings. Which way had they been going? Vinther had been behind her but there is no telling where north or south is in the smog. Without picking a direction she moves through the debris, still calling for Vinther in the hopes he might come to her. She finds herself unable to keep the feeling of dread at bay.

_What have you forgotten Iris?_

Jannik is the one who finds her, not the other way around.

"Corporal!" He grabs her elbow from behind her, obviously realizing that she can't hear him well. She swings around and nearly collapses against him when the whole world suddenly tilts on end. Back and forth the ground beneath her feet rocks, as though she is a ship caught in stormy waters. He drapes her arm around his shoulder and supports her to keep her upright.

"The rendezvous point" she gasps. "Do you know which way?"

By the way he flinches she must be speaking a lot louder than it seems to her she is. He begins to half carry, half drag her in one direction while he asks if she is feeling nauseous or tired. They stumble across the wasteland, coming to a place where only parts of the buildings have been torn away. As they make their way past one of the structures it crumbles with a deafening _'whoof'_, and it takes Iris a moment to realize that it is glass raining down on them.

Her feet slam to a halt when she realizes what has been forgotten.

"Jun" she cries out, startling Jannik who is yanked back from her sudden stop. Her eyes dart around them hoping to find some kind of marker that tells her where they are. The rapid eye movement causes a new wave of nausea to sweep over her and she doubles over, heaving dryly. Her stomach is empty.

"Jun" she tries again, croaking.

"We have to get to the rendezvous point Corporal. We'll find them there." He pulls at her to make her come with, omitting the _"if they are still alive" _from his reply, but she still hears it in the tone of his voice.

"They would have been a few blocks away, we can go past them on our way to the checkpoint. Which way did we come from? If we just know where north is it will not be difficult to find their location" she babbles as he drags her along. She cannot get herself straight, her thoughts seem to come in short bursts and no matter how much she tries she cannot find her bearings.

"You have suffered a trauma to the head Corporal, we need to get you to the rendezvous point. With all due respect, shut the hell up and come along."

She surrenders to him, allowing herself to be dragged through the fog and the distant thunder of explosions. Red light flashes ominously in the sky from time to time, perhaps more balls of fire like the one she saw before the world around her broke apart. Inside her mind she calls for Jun over and over, not sure that he hears her, not even sure he has ever been able to hear her, but it is all she can do.

The fog finally begins to clear as they reach the outer perimeter. They come across walls of sandbags stacked upon each other to provide their allies with cover. Vehicles are parked in formations and men are spread out all around them. A few of them are clean and whole, but most are bloody, powdered with white dust. Already there are men on stretchers everywhere, moaning and screaming. A dead man on one stretcher looks to have lost most of his lower body. Could he even have been alive when they carried him here? One boy sits on the ground, his hair powdered white from all the dust, and he weeps openly as he stares down at his hands.

Alfred stares at her as though he suspects the dead are walking when they stumble into the command tent. The colonel in charge of the charge looks a little pale around his mustache, while the major wrinkles his nose at the sight of her.

"God almighty, what happened to you two?" Once again Alfred takes his lord's name in vain.

"Bombs" she wails accusingly. "Bombs everywhere, in all the buildings for all I know. There is no city left out there, just one big heap of debris. Thousands of our men have been crushed, and thousands more are dying just outside this tent."

"Who is this woman Captain Lindner?" The major questions, holding his lit cigar close to his mouth.

"This is Corporal Holt, Lord Major. I apologize for her behavior, she has obviously suffered a traumatic head injury."

"_The _Corporal Holt from the assault on Syrkov? Then I must congratulate you on making it through Corporal, you will be glad to hear that the entire town has **not** gone up in flames. The titan vessels have broken through the enemy lines. The enemy's men have put down their weapons, they are fleeing head over heels. Most of their officers have turned their guns on themselves. This operation is a **massive** success."

She stares at him in incomprehension. _A massive success?_

"Captain" she fixes him with her gaze. "Jun? Is Jun back yet?"

"Why, no I have not seen him."

Without making the proper goodbyes she turns around and bursts out of the tent, ripping free from Vinther's grasp. She makes it a few steps before she stumbles over someone's severed leg and falls on her face. The pain in her head causes the world to turn black for a moment, muffling all sound. Someone grabs her and pulls her up.

"Stop Siri, you are injured. I must insist you let Vinther take you to where the medics are stationed."

"Let go of me! I need to find Jun, let go I said!" She wrestles to get free of the hand that hold her up and hold her in place at the same time.

Why won't they understand? Jun is out there somewhere and he has Philip with him. She tries to open her jacket to find her flask, knowing that it will give her the strength to go find them. But her hand does not seem to operate the way she intends it to, instead it fumbles with her buttons and she sways on her feet. Someone comes and grabs her other arm and they begin to pull her along, but they are going the wrong way. They are taking her back beyond the checkpoint, away from the city; away from Jun and Philip.

* * *

Rocks and dirt showers down across his shoulders and back as he rises. His jacket is white with dust. He shakes his head and a cloud of dust particles spreads around him. All the buildings to his left had exploded almost simultaneously, and his memories are a blur. He feels that his arms and legs are scraped and cut, trousers torn in a couple of places, gun lost amongst the rubble. But he is whole, which is more than what can be said for the groups of men who had been ahead of him. Two buildings had collapsed on each other and the men trapped beneath them had no time to get out. He looks their way even though he knows nothing could have survived. Anyone unlucky enough to still be alive will be buried deep underneath rubble, and the slightest tremor could send it all crashing down.

_The boy._

Her whelp. Philip Bjergsen had been with him when the city fell. Now he looks around at the formations of concrete rising out of the rubble. Steel rods poke out of piles of brick and mortar, forming nests of razor sharp points that remind him of Osmani spearmen in formation. The boy had been just behind him.

He begins to search for the boy, backtracking his steps from just before the blast. Once he finds the place he stands completely still and listens for any sign of Philip. In the distance he hears something that troubles him deeply. It is the sound of heavy footsteps made by feet too large to be human, titans, but there are too many of them. He counts up to fifteen pairs before the sounds of people screaming rattle him so much he loses count. The sounds of soldiers and horses screaming intermix, and the air drifting in from the south smells of blood and panic.

He tries to put the sounds of the massacre out of his mind and to focus on what is closer to him. He takes two steps, bends over and begins to dig through the piles of stone. Sharp points dig into the skin on his hands, his nails get caught and snap off but he pays it no mind. The boy is down there. He finds what must have been a door and turns it over, and there Philip lies. His face is very pale, eyes closed, but the man can hear him draw breath. Half his chest and all of his lower body is pinned down underneath a slab of concrete. Jun grips around the edge and tries to lift it. He puts all his strength behind the motion and just as he feels the slab shift a little he knows that he will not be able to clear it.

He puts it down carefully, afraid that moving the object will hurt the boy. There is an oddly squashed look to the lower portion of Philip's body.

The man is completely still for a moment. Somewhere in the distance she is calling for him, but he cannot come to her without the boy. He pulls the flask from his inner pocket and looks at it for what feels like a long time. His hand shakes. Then a shadow crosses the boy's face and he moans softly. The silent man kills his hesitation and unscrews the cap, taking a drink from the flask.

The reaction is instantaneous. The world lights up before him as if it has been set on fire. The smell of blood wafts up his nose and rolls down over him like a crashing wave. The screams and the sounds of the titans' lazy footsteps reverberate through his skull. He stumbles slightly and is forced to steady himself on some of the debris. He brings his hands up to cover his ears, wanting to shut out the voices but it is pointless. His mouth opens wide, but despite all his terror he only manages to produce a hollow wheezing sound. His entire body shakes as his bloody hands grip around the edge of the concrete slab, and he pours all the power of his rage and terror into his arms as he lifts it up.

When the boy is finally free he picks him up, taking care to hold him gently. He gives the boy's still, pale face one long and troubled look.

* * *

She cups Philip's cheek in her hand. It feels icy cold even though sweat is pouring down his face. His face is small like hers with high cheekbones and a straight nose, pointed chin and sculpted brows. He lacks all Reiner's broad chiseled masculinity, looks younger than he is, but possesses boyish good looks that mothers are sure to warm to. His usually bright skin is sallow and his cheeks have taken on a hollow, sunken look.

Jannik is on the chair next to hers, pale and hunched over. He has not spoken for a long time and he keeps shooting glances towards the exit as if he wishes he could escape this place.

"Corporal Holt." A doctor comes up to them, chart in hand. "May we step outside for a moment? I need to speak with you."

She stands and Jannik follows her example. They accompany the doctor outside without a word between them. Once outside the doc looks at them gravely.

"I understand that the boy is under your command, Corporal. It is my duty to inform you that I have done all I can here."

"What?" she says, frowning. "But you have done nothing?! You have to operate on him or something, and what about his leg?"

"There will be no operation."

"Why not?"

"We have limited resources and many are wounded."

"But he will die without it!" she says frantically and looks from the doctor to Jannik. The boy will not meet her gaze. He pokes the toe of his boot into the ground.

"We have been ordered to prioritize those with minor injuries. Private Bjergsen has suffered extensive internal injuries" the doc says, looking at his chart.

"You're joking." The world rocks beneath her feet. This whole situation is surreal. Barely two hours have passed since Jun had come walking out of the dusty fog with Philip in his arms. "There must be something you can do?"

He looks at her patiently. "We can make him comfortable."

She just stands there completely dumbstruck, and after a minute or so he tires of waiting for her reaction. He mutters that he has more people waiting and takes his leave.

"We have to go get Colt" she says, and her lips are barely able to form the words. "He will want to-" She does not finish.

Without waiting for Jannik to respond she makes her way towards the opening in the circle of medical tents. The armed guards there step in front to block her passage as she approaches.

"Move" she orders them, but they take one look at her bandaged head and remain in place.

"What is this commotion?" a medical officer hurries up to her.

"We are going to fetch private Grice and anyone else from the warrior unit who wishes to… to pay their respects"

"This area is reserved for marleyan patients and personnel only."

"They are a part of my company. Private Grice has served on my squad, and his friend is in that tent back there!" she barks at the officer who crosses his arms in front of him.

"Eldians are not permitted within this zone. You two, guards! No Eldians within this zone, is that clear?! They can pay their respects once the body is in the ground just like everyone else."

The guards raise their rifles to point at her and she just stands there staring at them for a moment. Vinther tugs at her sleeve.

"Come on Corporal, it is no use."

She looks into the eyes of each guard, but their faces are stony and cold to her distress.

"One day the world will remember what we did here" she says, and one of them blinks and swallows hard. But he does not lower his gun.

They return to the tent where she sees that the nurses have come and cleared away all the surgical instruments. Operation cancelled. A drip is attached to Philip's arm, and the needle mark on his other arm indicates that he has been given morphine. His leg has been fixed but not corrected, and his hair is still grimy with dust and sweat.

She almost falls onto the seat she had taken earlier.

"Vinther, will you go to the others and tell them what is happening? They should at least know. I… I can't leave him now, not like this. Tell Jun that I am alright, please."

Jun was not allowed in here either, and he had been quietly distraught when they had taken her away. The Eldian doctors would have patched him up, and he would heal rapidly anyway now that he had drunk the firewater. The enhancements they benefitted from when consuming alcohol came at the price of sensory overload, emotional turmoil and paranoia. It had always affected Jun far worse than it did her, and he hated and feared the effects. He must have been desperate to drink from the flask. How many hundred pounds of rock had come down on Philip as the buildings blew up? She would never know.

"I'll come back" Jannik replies hollowly before he slinks away, seemingly relieved to be sent off.

Iris leans in and brushes through Philip's hair with her fingers. He has been awake once since he was brought in, but he went out again while the field doctor examined him. The thin skin around his eyes looks almost translucent, and she can see his eyes moving beneath his eyelids. He is dreaming. She holds his hand tightly. It is small and frail, just like he appears to be.

"These are the words of a poet, and he was _**right**_. Do you hear me Philip? He was right. "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, **rage** against the dying of the light.""

Philip does not wake. Within the hour Jannik returns and his eyes are puffy and bloodshot as if he has been crying. While he is with her he keeps it all in, perhaps because of her stoicism. They sit side by side in silence while she holds Phil's clammy hand in hers. When he begins to sigh and moan in his sleep as though he is in pain Jannik cannot stand it any longer. He leaves.

She strokes Philip's cheeks and his forehead, and sings to him whatever comes to mind so that he will know he is not alone, if by chance he can hear her. His breathing is light and fast, sometimes heaving as if he is in distress.

For two days his status remains the same. The nurses change his drip, but they only give him morphine if he is clearly in pain. Jannik comes and goes, and it is clear that the situation is taking a toll on him. He eats little and looks like he sleeps even less. Alfred comes by and on one occasion he puts an arm on her shoulder as if to console her, but she shrugs it off. She eats when food is brought to her, sleeps in her chair and leaves only to tend to her business. She tells Philip all the poems she know by heart, and she knows quite a lot of them by heart, but eventually she runs out of pretty sentences. Then she just talks to him, sings, and waits.

On the third day as night darkens the horizon, he wakes.

"Miss" he croaks, and the head that she has been resting against the side of his sickbed snaps up.

"Hey" she says and smiles bleakly. "How about you call me by my name… Are you in pain?"

His eyes are glassy and he seems to have a difficult time looking at her for too long. She suspects that he is feverish. It won't be long now.

"I dreamt that you were dead" he whispers. "You were calling for Mister Braun… calling and calling, looking for him in the dark. But you were not alone. There was something behind you, circling and waiting. A shadow bigger than anything I have ever seen and its eyes were ancient… inhuman. They… they filled the emptiness." He shudders and his eyes fill with tears.

"It's alright, it was only a dream."

"I feel strange" he says and blinks slowly.

"It is probably the morphine."

"What happened? I remember Mister Jun, we were following the others at a distance and then it is all jumbled. I remember the ground shaking and there was fire on the horizon, but other times I think I was only dreaming like when the lions came and when my mum started crying." Tears spill from his eyes and his hand twitches as if he had intended to wipe them away but found that his hand was too heavy to lift.

"They bombed us. The warriors won the battle."

"Is Mister Jun alright?"

"Yes. He found you and brought you back to me."

He looks down the length of his body with mounting distress.

"I can't feel my legs" he says and begins to breathe harder. Fresh perspiration rolls down his forehead. "Everything hurts but I can't feel my legs. Are they going to cut them off?" He stares at his toes with his feverishly gleaming eyes.

Iris swallows hard.

"You have broken one of them, but the doctors are not going to amputate it."

He looks up at her and she sees panic in his face. On some level he must know what is happening to him. He begins to breathe even faster, almost panting now, and she is afraid that he is about to go into shock. She takes his face in her hands, shushing him gently.

"Ssh, everything is alright. Look at me. You will be alright."

His eyes flutter but within a minute he stops hyperventilating. He looks at her and she sees that he wants to believe her even now, in spite it all.

"I dreamt that I heard your voice" he manages in between heaving breaths. She wipes some of the sweat from his brow.

"I have been here with you the entire time. Perhaps it was no dream."

A nurse comes in, and though she hides her surprise well Iris knows that they had not expected Philip to wake again. She asks him if he is in pain, and when he says that he is she gives him a dose of morphine. His breathing slows and becomes more even when the drug takes effect. At once he seems very tired.

"You told me of something a poet once wrote, miss" he mumbles, and despite her urgings he fails to call her by her name. "Will you read them to me again before I sleep?"

"Alright" she says helplessly, not wanting to deny him anything. She takes his hand in his and he closes his eyes, listening to her voice.

"Do not go gentle into that good night,  
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;  
Rage, **rage** against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,  
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,  
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight  
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,  
Rage, **rage** against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,  
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.  
Do not go gentle into that good night.  
Rage, **rage** against the dying of the light."

By the end Philip sleeps and she rests her head on the side of his sickbed, still holding his hand in hers. It feels hot and cold all at once, clammy and frail.

As his fever rises, he begins to fade away.

The second time he wakes he does not recognize her at first. His eyes are glassy and unseeing as he stares at her, here in the moment, but at the same time too far away to be called back.

"Mum? What time is it?"

She leans in and tries to tell him that she is not his mother but he does not appear to hear her.

"Am I late for school? I put my homework in my bag but now I can't find it. I want to go see nan… we saw her last Tuesday… or was it last year…" his voice fades and he closes his eyes again.

The air inside has begun to take on a sickly, sweet smell like rotting vegetables, mixed with the sour smell of urine and sweat.

"My name is Iris, Phil. I am sorry, but I'm not your mother. She will come to see you later though" she lies and brushes his forehead. His eyes snap open and at once he sees her.

"Miss Iris" he whispers and she nods. There is no one else around, and who cares about the jumbled words of a dying boy anyway?

"Is she really coming?" He means his mother.

"Yes, she is on her way so you just wait."

"I don't want to die" he whimpers with naked fear showing on his face. His lower lip trembles as his eyes spill over. She does not have the heart to tell him that he will not.

"Everyone dies eventually" she replies sadly, knowing that it is no comfort.

"Yes but not now. I don't want to go now, I'm afraid." He trembles, sweat and tears mixing on his face.

"I'm here with you. There is nothing to be afraid of; I'll be with you every step of the way."

"Not all the way" he cries. "When it comes for me I'll have to go on alone, and I'm scared. I don't want to go, I want to stay." He sobs. "I want to live."

"I'm sorry" she says and puts her arms around him, hiding her face in his hair so he will not see her tears. "I am so sorry."

He cries and continues to murmur that he is afraid. No words of hers can comfort him, and all the while he grows weaker. His temperature rises as his time runs out.

He loses consciousness and she does not expect him to wake again. Perhaps it is gentler this way. It was selfish of her to urge him to cling to life when there is no hope left. It was not supposed to end this way, but end it will. End it **must.**

When he to her astonishment wakes again he sees his mother at his side once more. His speech is incoherent but it is clear that he is happy to see her one last time. He asks if she has seen his medal and wonders if dad will be proud of him. He wants to visit his nan again, unable to remember that his nan had passed two years back. When he begins speaking of someone whose name is unfamiliar to her it is apparent that he has travelled back through time, and that he is a little boy once more. He likes the model trains, and he hopes that the person unfamiliar to her will allow him to help paint the trains. Then he becomes sad and begins to cry again, repeating over and over that he is afraid.

"I don't want to go alone" he sobs.

"You will not be alone. God will be with you all the way."

He grows still, eyes moving back and forth underneath his eyelids. His lips move, and she thinks they form the word 'God' before he opens his eyes and looks at her.

"Y-your eyes are p-pretty" he says. His teeth clatter as if he is cold, but the sweat rolls down his face and neck. His entire body is shaking. She wonders if it is her, or his mother, or someone else completely that he sees at his side.

"I f-felt brave wh-when I was at your s-side. One d-day I would h-ha-have m-made you p-p-proud of me" he says, and it is clear that he knows her face once again. She squeezes his hand tightly.

"You already have."

He closes his eyes and his trembling eases a little. His lips are thin, cracked and blueish. Then he opens his eyes once more and his entire face lights up. It is as if he has remembered something very important, something which he must tell her of right away.

He dies.

She sits with him for a long time, stroking his cheek gently, holding his hand in hers. Iris closes his eyes, placing one coin on each closed eyelid. Then she gets to her feet and exits the tent. Once outside she finds a medical officer and orders that a bucket of water and a piece of cloth be brought to the tent, but no one is to touch him. Then she finds a shovel and goes to the fields outside of camp. There she begins to dig a grave for him to rest in. She makes sure that it is deep so that no animals will get to him, and she measures the size of the hole from her own height so that he may rest comfortably in the ground. Her hands blister from the work, and then her blisters burst, but she keeps on working.

Once the hole is deep enough she climbs out and heads to the supply tents where she steals a clean uniform for him to wear. She returns to the now so quiet tent and sees that the medical staff has done as she asked. With care Iris closes the tent flap and ties it into place so that no one will come in, and then she undresses him. She uses the cloth to wash him clean, trying not to look at the black veins and blood vessels that stand out on his skin. He is as pale as snow.

She dresses him in the clean uniform, despairing once she sees that it is too big for him. For a moment she is left standing there, overcome by the fact that the last thing she has done for him is to find a uniform that does not fit him. Then she forces herself to move and puts his leather belt on, tucking the folds of the uniform jacket in behind his back. She rolls up his sleeves and the legs of his trousers. With her fingers she combs through his wet hair, putting it into place so that it looks neat. His combat helmet is on the ground beside his bed. She bends to pick it up and presses it against her chest, holding on for dear life.

Once outside she arranges for staff to carry him out of the restricted area, and to leave him there until she returns. He will not be alone out there; hundreds of men are currently waiting to be put in the ground. He will be the cleanest and best dressed among them. She leaves the restricted area and seeks out her company, squad, and the warrior unit.

What they read in her face as she comes to them she will never know, but it is apparent why she has come. Together they return to where his body now lays on a gurney. He is carried to the grave she has dug, and by leather straps they lower him into it.

She begins to fill the hole using the one shovel she had left behind. She starts with his feet, shoveling the dirt down into the grave until they are buried. Then she works her way up to his knees, hips, chest until all she can see of him is his pale face. The coins had done their work and his eyes are still closed, almost as if he is sleeping. She hesitates here, knowing that once she shovels the dirt onto his face he will never see the sun or the blue sky again. She holds the shovel so tight her knuckles turn white, willing her body to do what has to be done.

Here he will rest no matter what she does or how she goes about it.

The thought gives her the strength she needs and she lets the dirt fall onto his face, hiding him away from the world. The sweat rolls off her before the hole has been completely filled, but she pays no mind to her tired body or her aching hands. Once it is done they share a moment of silence between them. They have all come, all but Muntz who is still on leave. Alfred offers the boy a prayer for safe passage into his god's kingdom. Jannik takes a handful of soil that he drizzles onto the grave with the words "Goodbye old pal". Quietly Colt tells them that Philip Bjergsen is the first, and the last marleyan friend he ever expects to have.

She raises her hand to her temple.

"Hail Philip, son of Frank, son of Herta: Private first class of the fourteenth squad, member of S company and the 213th battalion of the Marleyan Armed Forces. Born in year 836 of the marleyan calendar, dead today on April 7, year 852. Dead today, in the hundred and first year since the coming of the breaker."

She lets her hand fall to her side.

"It has been an honor and a privilege to serve alongside you, but here our journey together ends. Rest now; rest long and well. Step into the halls of the gods with your head held high. May you sit at their tables, dine at their feasts, and drink the sweet wines of victory. May you greet me at the gates on the day that I come to join you in the lands of the undying. Before that day comes I hope to make you as proud of me as I am of you."

She steps up to where his head rests six feet below the earth, and there she places his helmet.

"Goodbye Philip."


	35. 34

Jun watches her in the light from the kerosene lamp as she checks the gear they have packed. He is dressed in black, and the dark canisters hanging from his belt gives his legs an odd bulging look. His swords are at his sides and in his hand he holds the stylized gas mask they opt to wear. His custom made pack clings to his form as to not restrict his movement. Hers is the same but she will have to carry an extra for a short while. The syringe is packed along with the container whose label is marked with a circle and three crescents on top an orange base. The pair of boots makes her extra pack bulge, but if all goes well she will not encounter anyone during the time she is over encumbered.

Jun looks ready to go but before he can move she grips him by the shoulders. He meets her gaze calmly and does not pull away.

"Wait for me until you see the first hint of dawn on the horizon. If I have not come by then you go on."

His black eyes look straight into hers. He shakes his head.

"Yes. You go, that's an order. If I am not there by then I never will be."

He shakes his head again. She is about to argue when his voice comes to her.

"_Where you go, I go."_

There is a finality to his words that makes her think she does not have time to argue.

"I wish you would not do this Jun, my friend." She gives his shoulders a squeeze but sees that he is not swayed by her words. _So be it then. We will both chance everything we have on Reiner. _"Let's go."

He drowns the light while she shoulders her packs, strapping herself in. As she unbuttons the tent flap she can make out Jun's shape in the darkness. At first it looks to her eyes as if he is becoming darker, like his body itself absorbs any residue of light from the atmosphere around him. Then he begins to fade from view until she can see the tent canvas right through him. To this day the trick unsettles something in her, the same part that stirs at the absurdity of people turned into mindless titans.

She turns the tent flap aside and slips out into the night.

* * *

At first he is not sure what it is that woke him up. He opens his eyes but sees only darkness, yet something in him tells him that there is someone inside his tent. He listens but hears nothing.

A hand is pressed over his nose and mouth.

His arms fly up, and he grips the lean arm of the person. When he feels the soft skin he relaxes, realizing that the hand over his mouth belongs to Iris. She shushes him and he nods his confirmation. The hand falls away.

"I will never understand how you do that."

"Do you have a lamp?" Her voice sounds tired.

He feels around for the lamp, and now that his eyes have adjusted to the darkness he can just about see his hands. He strikes a match and lights the lamp. The light flares up and her face comes into view. Something warm stirs in him at the sight of her.

It has been a week since they buried the Bjergsen boy. At first he thought she was handling it well, taking it in her stride. But then he had begun to notice how she never spoke unless spoken to, how she withdrew from their company to spend hours sitting alone staring at a book she was not reading a single word of. Her body moved around autonomously performing any duty set in front of her, but the real Iris had retreated far into herself.

He looks at her in the dim light, the girl with all the secrets, and he sees the plain sadness on her face. He reaches out for her. It is not her fault the boy died, but she seems to want to make it her responsibility. Why is she torturing herself? Nothing good can come of it.

She pulls back from him but before he has time to feel hurt by it she has shrugged a pack from her shoulders and is shoving a roll of clothing at him. He blinks at her and notices that the deep cut on her forehead is gone completely, almost as if it had never been there in the first place.

"Get up, get dressed. We don not have much time."

"Huh?" he asks and unrolls the clothes. Black, they're all black, just like the outfit she is wearing. "We have marching orders? In the middle of the night?"

She gives him an impatient look. Stupid Reiner, always one step behind. He looks at the clothes, then looks at her, and then finally he pieces it all together.

"There is no order to march" he says stating the obvious. He should have expected this. He should not feel hurt or surprised that she has kept things from him. Of course she has not come here to stay. It would be impossible. Any hopes he had of them being together here before the end are stupid, just like he is.

"We are leaving, but we do not have much time. The gas won't keep the shifters subdued for long."

He looks at her, then to the clothes in his hands. When he realized she had come to him there had been a short moment in which he had thought she had come to slip down next to him to let him hold her, kiss her and comfort her in her grief. Of course not; things were never that simple.

"… What if I can't?" he asks. Her face does not change.

"If you can't go then so be it."

He thinks that she is going turn to leave without him. He closes his eyes and bites down hard, steeling himself for the sound of her departure. Everything is a mess.

But she does not move. He opens his eyes and looks at her in incomprehension.

"I cannot make you go" she says sadly. "But I cannot stay here and watch you die. Reiner, say to me that you cannot go and I will surrender. When morning comes I will go to the colonel and reveal myself as a spy and a traitor."

He gapes at her. No… impossible, there is _no way_ she would.

"You're kidding" he breathes, unable to process the events that have led up to this point.

"You don't really believe that" she replies, summing up his thoughts and emotions with just one sentence as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

"You are standing at the precipice, Reiner. All your life has lead up to this point and now you must choose. Come with me and we will seek redemption together. I will fight for your family and for your people, for _all _your people. Or stay here and let me go. Let me die."

Her words make him cold. The sweat breaks on his back and he says nothing, stares at her hoping that any time now she will smile and laugh. Because this is a joke, a cruel, horrible joke. There is no way she would do this.

But there is no smile, no laughter. Only large dark eyes looking at him through their unperceivable depths.

"I can't-" he begins, unable to go on. _Can't betray my family, can't let her go. Can't choose, can't go on._

"It is not very different from the choice you were going to give me once" she says. "You could not save me back then. You were never Helios the savior, or even Fritz the tyrant. You were just a wheel, turning round and round in circles. That is the conclusion Bertholdt reached in Shiganshina just before he died."

Iris stands up, pressing on without mercy.

"You could never save me before, but you can save me now. Save me, Reiner. You are the only one who can."

_Can't let my family die… can't let her die. Can never go back… could never really go forward... I was born to be a hero, but as I stand here on the precipice all I see is the squalor. My life has been in the mud, my deeds begging to be forgotten._

"It's no choice" he says, pouring all his disappointment, outrage and despair into those three words. He pulls the shirt over his head.

_No choice._

"Have it your way Iris" he says accusingly, not bothering keeping his voice down. Gas, she had said like it explained anything at all. Fucking gas.

He rises, pulling on the trousers. They are too short for him, and of course they are because they belong to Jun, the miserable shorty.

"Here" she says, tossing him a pair of shoes. "They will be too small for you I think, but you need to leave your shoes behind."

"Why must I? If you are going to manipulate me into doing what you want I think the least you owe me is an explanation" he barks, a little happy to see her wince as if his words had cut her.

"We need to give them reason to doubt that you were complicit in this."

She brings out a vial with a symbol printed on it in black and orange. He has never seen this symbol before, but one look at it is enough to deduce it is a warning of some sort.

"Why the hell would they ever doubt it?"

She looks at him calmly with the patience of an adult explaining something to a small child.

"Have you ever stopped to consider how this nation dares give these powers to you despite their belief that the Eldians are the servants of evil? Why not gather all the powers within the Tybur family, their cohorts? Intimidation tactics, propaganda and behavioral conditioning are not the only weapons Marley have against you. This substance I have here destroys the nerves that allow your brain to communicate with your bodily functions, it is called a "neurotoxin". I could have plunged this syringe into your neck and taken you by force if I wanted to. Your body would be desperately fighting to preserve and repair your life while I carried you off. Things such as this, and the weapons coming into existence are the reason to why Marley have begun to consider a final solution to the Eldian problem, your powers will soon be trumped by science and technology."

He stares at her. The realization that he had loved her without either knowing or understanding her is mind boggling. For the first time ever he finds that he is a little afraid of her.

"Would you have jabbed me with that if I had said no to you?"

The question obviously hurts her. The corners of her small, sculpted mouth turn down.

"Even if I say no, would you believe me? I am not going to do anything with it except this-" She throws the little vial to the ground and stomps on it, crushing it underneath her boot. Then the syringe meets the same fate. She kicks at his clothing. Almost in spite of himself he finds that he believes her. Is it ironic that she resorts to extortion without a hint of shame or guilt, but the mere suggestion of poisoning him and taking him by force profoundly insults her? He has no idea.

She has even provided him with black cotton socks, and he finds himself stifling laughter as he puts them on. This is ridiculous, a show. There are no substances able to control a shifter, there is no way they have obtained a gas that will let them slip away from camp, and no one will believe he was not complicit in this. _Can't let my family die… can't let her die._

Iris said they would fight for his family, for the people. But what could one person ever do? One person is nothing against the power of Marley; they have conquered an entire continent and are about to crush the allied Mid-East. Nothing can stop them. No one can. It is all futile.

"_You could not save me back then. You were never Helios the savior, or even Fritz the tyrant. You were just a wheel, turning round and round in circles."_

_Maybe I was never meant to be a hero, only a wheel. Maybe there are no heroes. _

"Ready?" she says, snapping him out of his stupor.

"No" he replies earnestly.

"Put the gas mask on" she says, and pulls the black hood over her head. Then she fastens that horrible, alien looking mask over her face. Eager to stop thinking, he obeys.

The claustrophobia he feels as the mask closes around his face is like nothing he has ever felt before. He breathes and feels the air in his lungs, but his brain is screaming that he is dying, it was all just a clever rouse to trick him into wearing this death mask, he is dying now for sure. He stands frozen in place, breathing hard. As if noticing his panic she grabs his hand and pulls him out of the tent. Fucking hell she is strong, no one that small has the right to be this strong.

Nothing seems to be amiss outside the tent. He does not know what he had expected really, banks of yellow mustard gas drifting in perhaps… or people writing in pain just before they turn into titans. Instead there are just the tents, spreading out for miles in either direction. He sees the lights from a few kerosene lamps off in the distance, but that would just be the usual black market trading that goes on after the camp falls asleep. He looks to Iris and sees that she holds a finger over where her mouth should be.

_Quiet._

She crouches and he does the same. They zigzag between the tents, her leading him by the arm in that iron grip of hers. Once his claustrophobia lessens he begins to hear the sounds around him. The soldiers with the lights are being noisy and there is something strange about their behavior. They seem to be talking, but it sounds like no one is listening to the other.

As they close in on the outer edge of camp Iris starts jogging up a steep hill. At the top they push their way through the brushes and enter into a cluster of trees. They slow to a walk.

"You can take the mask off now I think." She removes hers.

"Why were we even wearing them? I thought you said there would be gas."

"There was. Did you not hear how strange those soldiers were acting?"

"I thought they were having a party."

She laughs.

"In a way I suppose. The belladonna affects people in different ways. I have no idea if it affects shifters at all to be honest. But even if one of the others discovers that you are gone during the night the officers will be under belladonna's influence and in no state to issue any orders. Do you think they would risk going after you on their own?"

"Maybe. It's not like something like this has ever happened before."

He sees someone up ahead along the path, a man. As they come closer he realizes that it is the captain, Captain Lindner. Is the captain in on this plan?

Lindner turns to them as he hears their approach. He looks confused, a little defensive even.

"Siri, what is the meaning of this? Calling me out here in the middle of the night, dragging him with you, have you lost your wits?"

Iris walks up to him with ease. For a moment it looks like she is going to embrace the captain, but at the last moment Reiner sees the thing she is now holding in her hand, and he realizes that she intends to do no such thing. He opens his mouth in protest, but the deed is done before he manages to get a word out.

She plunges the black steel blade into Lindner's belly, burying it all the way to the hilt. Alfred's eyes widen, his mouth falls open and a gasp escapes him, almost as if to say that the steel feels cold inside his body. Iris's face betrays no emotion as she withdraws the blade. Lindner staggers slightly, his ashen face frozen in an expression of shock and pain.

"Siri… why?" he whimpers, swaying from side to side.

She thrusts the blade forward again, angling it up and into his chest cavity. The air bursts out of him as if she had punched him rather than impaled him. He coughs and blood bubbles up, bursting from his parted lips. For a moment they stand there frozen in place. Then Iris pulls her blade out. The captain falls back slowly, almost as if every fiber of his being is screaming in protest. He hits the ground and he does not rise again. He gurgles and blood oozes from his mouth. Then his eyes lose their focus, becoming blank and unseeing. Black blood pumps out of the mortal wound in strong bursts: Once, twice, thrice… then it slows to a trickle.

"Goodbye Alfred" Iris says. Her voice is completely flat.

Right in the heart, who had taught her that? Reiner stares at the body of the man who must have helped her infiltrate their military ranks, unable to fathom why this man is now dead. He looks at Iris hoping to find an answer in her, but her face is cold.

"Can you run?" she asks.

"Of course" he replies, expecting some further explanation.

"Then run."

She takes off, leaping through the underbrush like a gazelle. He sprints after her, outraged that she would just take off like that with no explanation, just assuming that he will run after her like some well-trained dog. He forces his feet to move faster. It has been a long time since he has run like this even though he used to do a lot of running. Now his body feels slow and cumbersome while Iris runs as if it is what she was born to do. He has let himself go since he came back form that cursed island.

They continue for what feels like an eternity and when his strength is spent he staggers after her, tripping over his own feet and on rocks and tree roots. She notices his struggle and slows her pace.

"It's not far now" she says.

He wants to ask "Not far to what?" but he lacks the breath.

His unspoken question is answered when they come to a riverbed. The river is wide, three miles at the least, and the only bridge across it has been demolished. He looks around but sees no other signs of war around here. So it is a recent thing then, perhaps very recent.

As they approach what remains on the bridge he notices that Jun is waiting for them, although he could have sworn that the man had not been there a moment ago. It is not the first time this man has done shit like that, appeared out of nowhere like he is just a damned shadow or something. At least that answers the question of who blew up the bridge.

Jun looks at them both and then he smiles. Iris jogs up to him, obviously happy to see him again. That makes one of them.

"We need to swim across" Iris says after they have taken each other by the elbow in some sort of secret greeting, and without waiting she charges forward down the riverbank and into the water. It looks black in the early morning light. Jun follows her without hesitation. Reiner is left standing at the riverbank all by himself.

_I have about a hundred questions to ask you if you would just wait one fucking minute. _Swelling with indignation he decides to follow them into the water.

_Too late to turn back now. _To his surprise he feels relieved. All that is left now is to push forward. Advance or die. He has always been good at devoting himself to the things set before him, so why not this too.

The water is freezing cold but the current is weak. Even in his tired state he makes it across.

"We need to keep running. Those mountains are seven miles away, once we reach them we will rest. Tomorrow I will find us horses to take us to Xacitarxan and beyond. Once we cross the border into Rossiya they will not be able to track us further without it being considered an act of war."

He bends over his knees, feeling as if he has swallowed about ten gallons of water on the way over.

"Can't" he pants and is forced to catch his breath before he continues. "Can't we use my titan? I am not sure I can run seven more miles."

"No, we cannot risk your titan being seen by anyone."

He had not thought of that. Even his mind seems to have withered over the years. Can he run seven more miles? There does not seem to be any other choice, so he supposes that he will find the strength… somehow. Before he has time to nod his agreement Iris has taken off again.

_Seriously? Would it fucking kill her to wait just a minute?! _

The anger gives him strength. Staying just behind the two of them he runs with his teeth gritted and his hands balled into fists. None of what is happening is fair. How could she do this to him?

They reach the foot of the mountain and Jun immediately leads them to a small crevice that opens up into a small cave. The entrance is hidden behind thorny bushes, and by the time Reiner has made his way through them he is bleeding from several cuts and scrapes. The pain fuels his anger. He marches across the cave until his outstretched hands touch upon stone, and there he throws his pack down. It lands with a resounding thud. He sits next to it, pulling the boots from his aching feet before he tosses them aside. He crosses his arms over his chest, brooding silently.

"We will sleep three hours" Iris says.

Keeping his eyes fixed on a spot in front of him, he makes no reply. He hears them put their things on the ground, sees their dark forms out of the corner of his eye as they sit.

"… I'm glad you came, Reiner" he hears her say and grits his teeth.

_It's not like you gave me any damned choice. _He makes no reply. She waits quietly for him to say something, but when she realizes he is in no mind to talk to her she stirs. He thinks he hears her lie down, but this place is too dark for him to know for sure.

"Okay" she says flatly. "I'll leave you be."

_You have no right to make me feel guilty here Iris. You're the one who has lied to me and manipulated me into doing what you want. I have every right to be angry, so don't you come here making me feel guilty._

He catches himself suppressing the urge to stand up and kick his things around and all at once he feels foolish. Sitting here moping like some big baby, shit, Porco might have been right about him in the end.

"Why did you kill him?" He asks her, not entirely sure she is still awake. A few moments later she replies in her slow drawl.

"For his family."

He sighs impatiently. He used to find this aspect of her personality fascinating. She had a way of talking around things, saying one thing that implied another but without ever really giving a straight answer. Despite his irritation he feels himself soften a little bit.

"That's no answer and you know it."

He hears her move as if she is turning over to face him.

"His wife is Eldian. There is a doctor who helps people forge their records and manipulate their blood tests so they can live free lives. Alfred found out about Irma's status before he married her and he has helped her hide her ethnicity ever since."

Reiner suppresses another sigh.

"Talk around it all you like Iris, why is he dead?"

"Why are you asking when you already know the answer?" she says, sounding frustrated now.

He pinches the bridge of his nose, forcing himself to breathe slowly. Couldn't she just give him what he is asking for this one time?

"You think he would be questioned. But you can't know he would have talked."

He hears her sit up.

"Everyone confesses under torture, Reiner. Even the innocent. SEINU would have figured out that I had something on Alfred, and it would not take them long to find Irma. Not just that, through her they would no doubt find the doctor and all the people he has helped. I said to Alfred that I would protect his family and by doing this, I have. Irma will receive an annual emolument, and she will be able to enjoy all the perquisites of being a war widow."

She had been right; somewhere he had known the reasons why.

"You can't be sure SEINU won't investigate his family anyway. The others saw him turn a blind eye to your traitorous opinions several times, and the Vinther kid-" He pauses, confronted with a new question, one that he knows he will ask even if he is not sure he cares to hear the answer.

"Yeah" Iris says. "Me and my goddamned mouth, I might have ruined it all just because I'm such an amateur." There's the smallest quiver in her voice towards the end. Not so stoic after all.

"The Vinther kid, did you… is he-"

"Dead? Are you asking me if I killed him too?"

That is exactly what he had been asking. He decides that his silence will be all the answer she needs.

"He does not know more about this than your warrior pals do."

"What if he had known something?"

She does not reply. The silence grows between them but he finds that he has nothing more to say. He lies down, turning his back to where she must be sitting. Within moments he hears her do the same. He closes his eyes, but it takes a long time for him to fall asleep.

* * *

He is awakened by the sounds of her moving around. She is changing into a spare set of clothing she must have carried within her pack. Morning light trickles in through the narrow opening into the cave, making her hair shine like pale spun gold. He always loved her hair, her wide hips, her soft breasts and her dark eyes. The scars she had been so bothered by had never mattered to him. She pulls a grey long sleeved sweater over her head. His eyes move down to her pale thighs and lean calves.

She notices that he is awake.

"Eat while I am away, Jun will give you rations. I will return with horses and clothes."

"I thought you'd take him with you."

"No, I go alone. I am best suited for the job."

She steps into a pair of khaki trousers and pulls them up. He sits, stiff from having slept on the hard ground. The idea of her going off alone is not appealing. He climbs to his feet as she turns to leave.

"Wait" he says, and taking two steps he is close enough to grip her by the arm. She turns around and faces him. Her sensually tilted eyes peer up at him, searching for something in his face.

"Don't go alone just because… because I'm angry with you" he says, finding it hard to say those words to her. To his surprise she smiles a little at this.

"You are not angry with me, you are distraught."

Again she goes with the fancy words. _Distraught who, me?_

"Either way, don't go alone. Take him with you, or take me."

She shakes her head at him.

"I'll come back, don not worry."

But he worries anyway. He worries so much he can barely eat. The dried fruits and the tough strips of meat seem to grow in his mouth. She had said she was "best suited" for the job, but like so much of the shit that comes out of her mouth it made no sense. There's a war on here, wherever _here_ is, and does she even have the money to pay for horses?

Alright, alright. Let's face it; she is probably not planning to pay for the animals. But people who stick around in war times most likely know how to defend themselves and what is theirs. That worries him. It worries him _a lot._

"She should have sent you" he says to Jun. The man's black eyes linger on his face in a way that makes Reiner uncomfortable. The silent man makes him uncomfortable just by being here. There is something unnatural about him. And no it has nothing to do with the fact that he's been out in the bush together with Iris doing god knows what while Reiner thought he had lost her forever – There really_ is_ something unnatural about the man… not to mention that he looks at Iris with almost perverse reverence. That shit is just not right.

"You don't have a problem with her going off to face what is probably angry men with guns on her own?" he barks at the man. The wry smile he is offered in response twists the man's mouth into a snarl. Jun shakes his head slowly and gives him a look. The look seems to say "_You really don't know anything". _

He gets up and begins to pace back and forth. The muffled sound of his naked feet against the flat rock bounces between the walls. His footfalls and the sound of his own breathing is all he hears for a long time.

Finally he hears a horse whicker softly outside. Moments later she comes inside carrying cloth sacks that look to be full of clothing. She tosses the sacks to the floor. Her hair is on end like she has been riding hard on her way here and her cheeks are flushed.

"I found you some shoes that ought to fit better" she says to him and bends to rummage through one of the sacks. He goes up to her, and when she straightens he puts his hands on her hips. She looks up at him through eyes so deep you could drown in them. He had wanted to do this at an earlier time but the right opportunity had never presented itself. He pulls her in, and after a moment's hesitation he feels her arms around his lower back. Her body fits against his as if they had been made to be like this.

"It wasn't your fault. You did all you could for him."

She stiffens and her grip around him hardens. He thinks she is about to cry, but instead she speaks.

"He was supposed to come with us. He decrypted the battle plans for Stavropol and the journey toward Aleksandrovka. "

This is news to him. Sure Bjergsen had been squeamish and not too happy about violence, but he would never have taken the boy for a rebel.

"Wait… wait. Battle plans? How did you get your hands on those?"

There's a long pause.

"It doesn't matter" she says, but the way she says it makes him think it does matter. "Come on, we do not have time to stand around."

She breaks free of his grasp without looking at him. For the second time today she undresses. The garb she puts on is so long it touches the floor. It is plain and loose fitting, hiding her figure completely. Its long sleeves come down so far they cover her hands. To his surprise she puts on a pair of full length, loosely fitted trousers underneath. She wraps a brightly colored and intricately patterned shawl made from some thick kind of cloth around her head and shoulders, pinning it down before she seems satisfied.

Completely mystified he stares at what he has been given to wear.

"I think you've made a mistake… this is a dress."

She sighs, stupid Reiner.

"It's a tunic. You will be wearing trousers underneath, now get moving."

He dresses himself in his belted tunic, feeling about as ridiculous as he ever has before. What she had called trousers were more like pantaloons, and their loose fit made him feel somewhat uncomfortable; too much freedom around the groin area. Walking in them felt almost perversely strange. Not to mention the brightly colored fabrics. She helped him wrap the shawl around his head and shoulders, and he tried to ignore the feeling of being turned into a frumpy old woman.

Know what the worst part was? Jun looked refined and enigmatic in his tunic, and the wrapped shawl hid most of his disfigured face. With those swords at his sides he could be confused with some damned warrior prince. Disgusting.

"Here, you carry mine." She attaches the sword belt around his waist.

"I've never been trained to fight people with swords" he protests but wants to keep them anyway. He feels less like a sissy when he feels the scabbards against the sides of his legs.

"Women do not carry swords in Osman. I will carry my P08's."

She uncovers and straps a shoulder holster on, hiding it underneath the shawl. Then she attaches herself with an ankle holster in which she places her second P08. He can't help but feel there's something slightly erotic about her hiding weapons undernath all that fabric… This is probably the worst time in the world to be thinking about all the other things she's hiding under there.

After packing all their things up inside the cloth sacks she had brought back she sends Jun outside to tie them to the saddles. She stands with her back to him and is about to follow the other man outside when he wraps his arms around her. Putting his hands on her he feels the curve of her waist underneath the fabric. She turns her face to the side, tilting it back so she can see him out of the corner of her eye. The corner of her mouth turns up ever so slightly. Always so secretive, so sensual… and devious. He runs one of his hands up across her ribs, cupping one of her soft breasts. She leans her head back against his chest, eyes closed, pushing into the touch of his hand.

"I bet you've never been felt up by a man wearing a dress before" he says and his voice sounds thick and throaty. She smiles blindingly.

"It's a tunic" she replies in fake exasperation. She opens her downward tilted eyes, bedroom eyes some would call them, and right now he agrees; they are just that. Bedroom eyes. He raises his free hand and brushes it across her jaw before he plucks at the shawl.

"This actually suits you. It's unfair."

"I never understood how you could be so vane and still want me" she says softly. He considers protesting his own vanity, but decides not to.

"I've missed you" he says instead. She blinks slowly, moved by the words.

A sharp whistle from outside breaks the spell. Reiner hears himself sigh as he lets her go. She gives him one of her lopsided smiles, and he sees that her cheeks are rosy. Seems he had not been the only one feeling it. The remembrance of her breast in his hand, those large pink nipples and her wide sensual hips makes him uncomfortably aroused. Seriously, the freedom inside these pantaloons is maddening. Thank god for the dress, or tunic, covering him.

They step outside. Jun is waiting with the horses, already perched atop the lithe chestnut. As soon as he climbs into the saddle of his black horse he knows that this is going to be one rough ride filled with chafing and other not too nice things. The Osmani, or whoever it is who wears these ridiculous clothes, must have balls of steel. _Literally_. He looks to Jun who looks relaxed in his saddle. Perhaps he doesn't have any.

He leads them atop his horse, steering them westward. Reiner grits his teeth, intent on not letting too much of his discomfort show. His body heals his chafing thighs and groin pretty much as soon as the sores open up, but it hurts anyway.

Iris had always been a graceful rider, sitting the saddle as if she had been born to it. He had learned to ride together with the other candidates as it was part of their general military training, but he'd never taken to it. Damn it, what _had _he been good at really? Sucking up? To be fair he really had believed in Marley back then though, believed in it with all his heart. He isn't sure what he believes in now.

"Where did you say we were going?" he asks once the sun is beginning to sink to the horizon. They've kept a mixed but overall high pace throughout the day.

"Xacitarxan."

"Xaxe-whatnow?"

She laughs.

"Xacitarxan is the ancient Osmani name for it. The city lies east of the bay of Xezer. When we reach it we will be in Rossiya, and from there we will ride along the side of Xezer to cross into Osman."

"Won't there be border patrols into Rossiya?"

She looks at him over her shoulder, solemn once more.

"I expect we will be able to cross. Corruption of the tsar's men this far north is no secret."

"I never heard of it."

"Well, consider this. I'm willing to bet you never hear much of any parts of the world outside of Marley's borders.

"We hear plenty of old Eldia" he replies. Her head snaps around and she sees his sardonic grin. Unless he's mistaken she rolls her eyes at his joke.

"Some say that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, you know."

"Only because they don't get the joke"

She sighs with theatrical exasperation but surrenders to him.

"Do you think you can sleep in the saddle?" she asks, changing the subject. His immediate reaction is that there is no way in hell he can do that, but he does not want to say so. Bad enough he's been more than useless up 'til this point. He shrugs vaguely and the look she gives him says that she's not really buying what he's selling, but she says nothing.

They keep riding until the sun has set and with each passing minute he feels more and more drowsy. The three hours of sleep he had gotten this morning are a distant memory, and now he desperately needs to close his eyes. But if he nods off he might fall from his saddle… just closing his eyes while on the horse is enough to make him feel the vertigo. Shit… he'll just have to tough it out. Iris and Jun still seem to be doing fine.

He looks at Iris's back. She is riding a few feet ahead of him, still relaxed and sure in the saddle.

She had said they would fight for his family together, but that was not really the reason to why he had come with her. He had come because he could not let her go, not again. Seems this old leopard never changes its spots; Reiner Braun, selfish to the end. There's no way the leaders will buy that he was taken against his will, even if there really_ is _a substance that could subdue a shifter for a period of time. Does he even believe there is such a thing? Well, the question might really be: Does he believe Iris?

_She could have made all that up just to soften me to the idea of going. She had no qualms about forcing me to choose my family or her life after all. Can I trust her? _Discomforted by these thoughts he shoos them away. At least Gabi will not be chosen to inherit his titan, unless they are captured of course. The border can't be far away now… not that he would know for sure. Iris is right about that part, there are a lot of things he does not know. He supposes that Marley won't have to buy into the idea of him being taken against his will as long as it is a possibility. He looks at Iris again. She had said not to use his titan, which implies that she was not lying.

_Shit, I was wrong; I did two things right in this life._

He nods off, drifting in and out of sleep each time his seat fails him and he needs to hold on not to fall from his saddle. As evening turns into full dark he is almost beyond caring if he falls. It would only hurt once he hit the ground, and then he could get some rest. Just an hour would be enough, or half an hour, any rest at all. He feels the world give a final tilt, and he thinks that fuck it, he is going to let himself fall. He can't feel the horse anymore, or its movements. His thoughts are of nothing.

A sharp pain in his hand snaps him out of it. He winces, eyes opening wide as he stares around in confusion. What the hell just happened?

"We will stop for a little bit."

It's Iris. She is standing next to his horse, and from her raised arm he judges that she has whacked him across the back of his hand. He had no idea something like that could hurt so much. He rubs it.

"Sorry" she says. "You were so out of it I had a hard time waking you."

"That hurts like hell."

"It does. The Osmani whip their slaves' hands and feet as a way of punishment."

He slides from the back of his horse, stumbling once he hits the ground. His body aches in protest against the burst of movement. She sure seems to know a lot about the Osmani and their ways. Iris takes the saddle from his horse and spreads it on the ground.

"Here, use this to lie on. Hurry and get some rest, we will go on as soon as we can. The border is still a few hours away."

"What about you?"

"We will keep watch" she says kindly.

_Oh, we will keep watch. _He is too tired to argue. Fine, let them stay up while the weakling rests. He lies down on the horses blanket and is enveloped in the animal's stink, finding it strangely calming. His eye close, and a moment later he slips into sleep without noticing it happening.

* * *

They ride throughout the following day and at dusk they cross the border into Roski territory. The armed guards patrolling the border take a bribe to let them through without papers, Marley currency is always in high demand. The guards are filthy; their uniforms old and worn, guns older still. The only things that looks new are their boots. Reiner can't help but notice that they are of the Marleyan standard issue for infantry. In other words: Someone is selling military equipment to a hostile nation. He supposes that he should not be surprised by this, but he is.

They reach Xacitarxan an hour later. The city's medieval structures make a strong impression on him even in this light. Ancient looking buildings with domed roofs rise high in the sky, white and beige, richly ornamented in brass and gold. Once they leave the euberant city center the streets become narrow, the houses old and shabby looking, and more and more people can be seen sitting in street corners or sleeping on the hard ground. Some are wearing nothing more than threadbare trousers and a vest, shivering in the cold air.

They cross another intersection and he finds himself peering down a street crowded with men and women. He stares at them in awe, shocked to see that some of the women are wearing nothing but open robes, exposing their breasts and pubic hair. It takes him a moment to realize they have reached the brothels. Iris orders them to wait in the main hall of some dingy tavern while she finds them fresh horses and supplies. He had been hoping for a night with a roof above his head and a warm bed to sleep in, but Iris in no mind to stay the night. She brings them outside and shows them four horses, one of which carrying a heavy load of blankets, rations and water. They ride out of town under the cover of darkness and thunder across the plains. The air is cool but the landscape around him is subtly changing from farmland and into the dry open steppe.

The moon is out, bathing the whole world in a cold blue light. He looks up and realizes that he can see the stars. Another moment later he realizes that Xacitarxan had been mostly dark. Seems this part of Rossiya has no electricity.

They halt for the night and Iris insists on taking the first watch. Tucked underneath his new blankets he watches her peering off into the distance. The cold indifference on her face tells him that she has retreated back into herself, and god knows what she is hiding in there. He closes his eyes and falls asleep.

* * *

She comes to him in the night and crawls underneath his blankets. He puts his arms around her and feels that she is completely naked. For one moment of pure bewilderment he wonders where Jun is, but then she begins kissing him and he forgets all about the silent man. There is desperate urgency to her kisses and her touch feels smoldering hot against his skin. He kisses her neck and shoulder, taking one pink nipple in his mouth. She sighs lustfully and leans in against him. He traces his hands down her back to her soft butt cheeks. As much as he likes the lean and hard parts of her, he always liked the soft parts best. She whispers that she has missed him too, making him ache somewhere deep inside. Her thighs are slick and wet when she manages to pull his underpants and ridiculous pantaloons down, and as she guides him inside her she whispers that she wants him, only him. She surprises him by climaxing almost immediately, pinching him so hard with her thighs it hurts a little. Out of breath and with her cheeks rosy she smiles at him, looking him in the eyes as she brings him to his climax.

Then she cries. A little confused with this development he holds her to his chest as she sobs. He does not know what to say so he says nothing. After a few minutes she seems to be calming down. He strokes her hair, thinking of how glossy it is. She lifts her head to look at him and he finds her harrowingly beautiful in the blue moonlight.

"I have loved you for such a long time" she says quietly. He opens his mouth but does not what to say really. He loves her, of course he does, but saying it has never come naturally to him.

"Where is Jun?" he asks, kicking himself for his clumsiness even before he has finished his sentence. The ghost of a smile touches her lips.

"Out there, scouting around I imagine. I think he sensed I wanted some time alone because he went off on his own."

"That's pretty awkward" he confesses. Then, carefully, he asks: "Why were you crying?"

This was obviously a mistake because she bursts into tears again. Well to be fair it's more like her whole face begins to droop; her wide set and tilted eyes becoming unimaginably sad before they spill over with tears. _Smooth Braun, real smooth_. He has no idea why she is crying, but he sure as hell won't ask her again tonight. If she wants to tell him she will. Perhaps she is crying for her boy, the captain, herself or the whole world. Perhaps she is mourning the fact that they will never get to grow old together. That thought is… pretty dark… so he puts it away and focuses on consoling her. She finally exhausts herself and falls asleep with her face pressed against his chest. He finds himself lying in an uncomfortable position, but he does not have the heart to wake her.

They move swiftly though the outskirts of Rossiya, crossing into Osman without running into any Osmani guarding their border. The concept of owning land is a rather new and not widely accepted way of life here. Iris tells him that the Osmani proclaim that either you are a free man, and all free men suffer from wanderlust and must never settle in one place, or you are a servant or a slave; and they go where the masters go. There are cities in Osman, vast cities harboring some of the richest trade in the world but they are for the most part not populated by the free Osmani. The greatest city of them all is Qiubei, an enormous swelling beast of a city that had once been an independent kingdom. Some say that the city faces towards Xšassa, although how a city can be facing towards anything or anywhere is beyond him. The emperor resides in his palace inside Qiubei, and his renunciation of the old ways is why some in the empire refer to him as Igdis-Kadjahar: The gelded king.

On the second day of their hack through Osman the temperature hits an all-time high, turning the sea of sand into a scorching path of misery. They manage to reach the cliffs up ahead before the storm is upon them, and they shelter there for the night.

The skin on Reiner's face has been burnt and is beginning to peel off. He picks at it while Jun dehydrates some beef in a pot above the fire. Despite the day's sweltering heat the nights here are icy cold, so Reiner takes out his blankets, readying himself for another freezing night. During the course of the last two days he has become more and more acutely aware of the fact that he has no idea what they are doing out here. Running from Marley? He has wanted to ask, but the right opportunity never seems to present itself. Or perhaps he is just stalling for time, afraid what the answer might be.

"Iris" he begins slowly, thinking that it's about time he is let in on their plans. "Where are we going?"

She gives a long indiscernible look before she brushes a few stray strands of hair out of her face.

"We are headed for a sacred place to pray for guidance."

He stares at her. "To pray to what, god? Is this really making good use of the time I have left?"

She winces. He had not really intended to bring it up, his death, but now it is out there. He has less than four years left.

"Let me tell you a story and promise to listen until we reach the end before you bombard me your questions, okay?"

He sighs. Well, at least she wants to tell him something, that's an improvement. He throws his hands up in surrender and nods.

"Alright, tell me."

Her eyes look black in the flickering firelight. She leans back and after a moment of quiet contemplation, she begins to speak:

_Osman is ancient; the only empires in the world known to be older are Eldia and Xšassa to the east. Some claim that Xšassa is the cradle of humanity, and the Osmani believe themselves to be descendants of the first men to emerge from the empire to the east, known in their own language simply as "The Empire". Great warlords and their followings have always roamed across these plains in search of plunder. It is a land where the strong rule the weak, and where great lords have waged war against each other over the centuries. _

_Lesser lords crisscross across the sands and rue the day they come across a greater lord, for in such circumstances his honor bids him to fight. A man who flees at the might of his foe will be abandoned by his followers. Never again will he title himself a lord, or Kadjar as it is in their tongue, or lead a following. He will die alone in poverty, slavery or by his own sword. The gods will not welcome such a man into their halls and his children will cast off his shameful name, dissociating themselves from him for all time. _

_Those who chose to fight will be favored by the gods and welcomed into their company, but even the victor of great battles will often find himself ruined. His army may be broken and until he can rebuild it with gold or through other means he will be at the mercy of other roaming lords in search of prey. Because of these beliefs and way of living, many face a short existence. The greatest warlords live forever in the myths and songs but their dominion in life never lasted more than a decade, or in one rare case, two decades._

_Just over a hundred years ago Osman was crumbling, torn apart by wars in which great men, weak men and insignificant men all fought and died young. _

_One day a shrouded man was seen riding across the sands. Many say he was the biggest man they had ever seen. He came unarmed, equipped only with his waterskin and the clothes on his back. Many a smaller lord tried to capture the man to take him as their slave, but his horse was as swift as the wind and he outran them all. The man's name was Aclerius, and he had come with a purpose._

_He sought out the greatest warlord of the lands, and in the dead of night he came to the Kadjar and brought him to his knees, defeating him without spilling as much as a drop of blood. The Kadjar awaited the killing blow; but it never came. _

_Aclerius said to the man: "I have defeated you but I have not come to end your life. I have come to present you with the greatest challenge that you will ever face."_

_The humiliated Kadjar was clever and he knew that by accepting this challenge he would save his honor. There was discontent amongst the Kadjar's soldiers as Aclerius bid them follow him, but a man who could conquer an army without a weapon in his hand might not be lying when he promised to present them with a challenge greater than himself; so they followed. _

_Aclerius led them to an oasis in the desert where he bid them wait for his return. _

_For seven days the Kadjar kept his people as the oasis, killing any deserters and conspirators to keep his people in line. On the seventh day Aclerius returned and with him came another of the greatest warlords of the lands. Again Aclerius had seen victory without bloodshed. But if these two warlords thought that they were each other's challenge they were wrong, for Aclerius bid them wait. _

_He brought a third Kadjar, and then a fourth, a fifth and finally a sixth._

_Aclerius proclaimed them to be the most powerful warlords in all the lands, and he dubbed them "The great six". Then he presented them with the biggest challenge they were ever to face: They were to remain here for seven days, and for the duration of the week they would palaver – Talk._

_Upon hearing of this all the Kadjar protested. Aclerius silenced them with a voice strong and terrible enough to make the waters of the oasis tremble. The desert wolves all howled at the sound, and through the camps babies began to wail in their mothers' arms. Aclerius eyes seemed black as pitch as he towered over the men. He said: "If you deny me then cast down your weapons, burn your tents and relinquish your names as Kadjar for all time."_

_This they did not do. A man who lays down his weapons is no more than a worm, and these were proud lords who all felt they had been cheated by this impossible man. Thus they agreed to palaver. For seven days their followings camped side by side in peace while Aclerius and the Kadjar worked out a new way of living that would restore Osman's former glory. The old way left men with the choice of an honorable death or a life in disgrace; this Aclerius had come to change. _

_The Kadjar in council, or the Ahn-Kahat in their tongue, decreed that the new way would be for the great six not to hunt each other; the land is rich and wide enough for all. When they raid a settlement or defeat a lesser lord they are to mark the sites with their crest in chalk and blood. If a Kadjar comes upon the mark of his fellow he has the choice of turning his host around without bringing down shame upon his name. If two great Kadjar are about to fall upon the same prey they may do so together, dividing the spoils equally between them, or as else negotiated. If they come upon prizes that cannot be split equally they have the option to pick their champion to fight for it, or fight themselves if they so wish._

_On the seventh day Aclerius rises, saying that he has one more message to deliver. He proclaims himself a messenger of Acleidon, the god of legions. Then he says to the Kadjar: _

"_This I have to say: Oroboshi, the red star in the sky summons the great six to the Ahn-Kahat from this day henceforth. From the day Oroboshi appears in the sky you have forty days to heed the call and to return here where you will palaver for seven days more. Only six may enter the Ahn-Kahat, and six must enter each time the star calls. It will be your duty to see to it that all men who live by the sword, the gun, the bomb, the bio-chem, the fission, the euritium core and Tighearnán's grey mist know that they must heed the call. A day will come when he who speaks with the voice of Acleidon lets himself be known and war will follow in his footsteps. My time in this world is now at an end. You will put my bones to rest here so that my grave can serve as a reminder to those in doubt; this is the final task I present you with."_

_Aclerius then fell dead to the ground. It is this way he came to be known as Aclerius the Unbroken, conqueror of the great six, a demigod, son of Acleidon himself. _

_But the Kadjar were displeased with his words and angry to be summoned like a flock of sheep. Instead of doing as Aclerius bid them they dug a grave at the oasis and each of them killed one of their djebi and one of their sheep, burying them instead. They marked the grave with Aclerius's name and then they all pissed on it before throwing his body away to rot in the sun._

_When the followings rode out only one stayed behind, and he did it in secret. He was djebi now but once he had been a proud man; Çağın-Kadjar. He found Aclerius's remains and he brought them to a hidden place, a cave, where he laid the body upon a great stone slab. At its head he inscribed the symbol of Acleidon. Sadly this now forgotten slave then left both the cave, and history as we know it. Aclerius's final resting place has been lost to the ages._

_The great six Kadjar went on to further conquests, living by the new way even though they had thrown aside all else that Aclerius had bid them to do. They did nothing in the efforts of spreading the words of Acleidon, but their slaves and soldiers, their wives and children and the cities they sold to and traded with did plenty in the way of that. Seven years went by before a night came in which the red star, Oroboshi, began to glow like a giant red ruby in the sky. _

_None came to the oasis. Forty days later the last light of the star flickered out of existence, and the ground lay undisturbed where the Ahn-Kahat should have been held. _

_The next morning the sands of Osman ran red with blood. The six Kadjar lay dead; their tents burning, their weapons broken; the men, women and children of their followings lay dead around them. So ended: _

_İlhan-Kadjar _

_Alper-Kadjar_

_Mengu-Kadjar_

_Akhutai-Kadjar_

_Khurchakhu-Kadjar_

_Bhulad-Kadjar_

_All their kin were slain with them, thus ending their lines for all time._

_Smaller followings reported that a man had been seen riding through the night. All claim he was the biggest man they had ever seen, standing at least seven feet tall if not more. He came dressed in rags and leather, carrying a ten foot spear adorned with a single red star. Some say it was Aclerius who had risen again to punish the arrogant Kadjar. Others say that it was Acleidon himself who had come into the world, riding upon a pale horse named 'Death'._

_News of the Kadjar's fate spread through Osman, and when Oroboshi shone its light upon the world a year later as many as fourteen great warlords heeded the call. They warred until fourteen had turned into six, and then they palavered for seven days. Eleven Ahn-Kahat have been held over the last century, never again has the call of Oroboshi and Acleidon been ignored._

Iris accepts a piece of tough beef from Jun and chews it slowly. Reiner looks at her eating, somehow expecting more out of this than an old myth.

_Oookay, so that's it folks. That sure explained a whole lot of nothing. What I'd like to know is who replaced my Iris with some religious nutcase. We are running from the Marleyan army only to stop and... pray? _He wants to think it's a joke, though it is clearly not.

"So" he begins, racking his brain for a good way to say this. "You're telling me you don't have a plan. Because if you did we would not be wasting our time riding to some oasis."

To his surprise she does not appear annoyed by his lack of faith in her plans, or his insinuation that they are wasting time. That's women for you, think you know how they work but a duck is a duck one day and the next it's a steamer.

"We are not going to the oasis. We are going to visit the place where I died."

_Well, that escalated quickly. _His mind goes almost completely blank. What do you say to something like that? A feeling of unease creeps into his bones. He forgets all about the beef he had been on the verge of popping into his mouth.

"You uh… don't look very dead."

He had been relieved if she had rolled her eyes at him right about now. Instead she looks at Jun who meets her gaze calmly. Again he is struck by that irrational feeling that they are somehow communicating without saying a single word.

"That's because I am not dead."

He groans.

"Come on, first you talk around things and then you start stating the obvious. I'm having bit of a hard time wrapping my head around any of this, so please, say something that makes sense!"

"Okay" she says, holding her hands up as if he had been overreacting. "I'll try but this is going to sound a little crazy. When I met Jun I was in bad shape, and he brought me to the place where I ultimately died. Then I… came back."

He stares at her, detecting no humor at all in her demeanor. She actually believes this. The insight makes him feel a little sick, because this means that she is no longer all _there _in the head.

"No" she says. "No I see what you are thinking now, and you are wrong. Hear me out."

He shrugs at her helplessly, sadly.

"Jun found the tomb of Aclerius. He was wounded in battle and stumbled upon it when the sands had blown away from the entrance. It is usually buried deep underneath. This is real, Reiner. There was something in the dark after I died, it spoke to me I think. The first thing I said when I came to was that you were the debt I was owed, my price… I think that I was allowed to go find you." She falls silent, obviously not blind to the look on his face.

He turns his gaze away from hers. He has thrown everything away for her but she is mad. Something must have happened to her that was so awful she lost touch with reality.

"Reiner. Look at me."

Her voice is strong and steady, commanding him to obey her. He looks up. To his fright she puts her hand out, reaching towards the fire.

"Stop" he says, watching her soft skinned little hand inch its way closer. She does not stop. Her fingers are about to touch the flames now. He heaves himself up to push her away, but before he gets that far she has thrust her hand all the way in. To his horror she puts it further in, gripping one of the smoldering pieces of coal. Her eyes flood with tears, face twisting into a mask of agony. All the strength seems to leave him and he sinks back down. But he can't look away, even though the smoke makes his eyes water he can't blink, can't look away.

With a little shriek she yanks her hand out of the crackling flames. Her skin has crisped up and curled into horrible black shavings, exposing a red gooey looking mess underneath.

"Oh fuck" he whimpers, still unable to look away. He can feel his undigested meal wanting to make a comeback. He looks at Jun.

_Why the fuck didn't you stop her, you could have stopped her you freak. Her hand.. shit_

The arm with the burned hand is shaking violently as she reaches into the little pack she had carried when they ran together. She pulls out a silver flask, using her teeth to unscrew the cork. Feeling sick, he thinks that she is going to drink to take the edge off the pain. What the fuck is he going to do now? Iris… fuck, Iris has lost it completely. She is gone, his girl is gone now… all that's left is this crazy person.

She drinks from the flask, not much, just a sip. Then her face turns smooth and calm. When she opens her eyes they look pitch black in the light from the fire. She holds her burnt hand out as if she wants him to look at it, but he does not want to see any more… Except…

He feels his eyes widening.

The cracked and burnt peels fall from her hand. The red exposed flesh with its stringy white tendons is slowly being covered by scar tissue. He stares in complete awe as the scar tissue begins to regenerate, turning into skin a shade lighter than that on her arm.

"Oh god" he breathes.

"I am telling you the truth" she replies unnecessarily.

He puts his head between his knees and tries to breathe deeply. His head spins. She comes over and sits beside him, rubbing his back gently with what a few seconds ago had been her horribly disfigured hand.

"Are you alright?" she asks softly.

"No… I mean what… what the hell is going on?" He leans against her, so relieved that she is not crazy it is dizzying, but at the same time he just can't wrap his head around… well, _this._

"Breathe slowly, you will pass out if you hyperventilate."

"Thanks" he gulps.

"I don't know exactly what happened or why. But I believe that god gave me another chance. It lives within me now, Jun too." She puts her arm around him, stretching herself a little to reach across his shoulders. Her lovely smell is mixed with the stink of burnt flesh still clinging to her clothes. "You're my home Reiner, my rock, my family. I'll fight for your family but first there is something we have to do."

He understands it then, what she is trying to say. It comes to him with blissful ache. He looks into her lovely midnight blue eyes.

"I have to die" he says.

"Everyone dies" she says sadly. For the first time ever he notices her fine line wrinkles.

"Yeah… my expiry date is just a bit shorter." He feels relieved once he has said it. It has been some time since he has spoken about how short life is. He used to talk about it a lot with Annie and Bert… mostly because they had all imagined some sort of life when they got to come home.

"You understand, don't you?"

"I think I do."

He pushes her arm down until it is around his waist, and the he puts his around her, hugging her close to him. After a while they pick up where they left off with their meal. Outside their shelter the wind howls. He tries to collect his thoughts though they are scattered all around.

"So, how did you eh. How did you die?" There is so many things wrong with that sentence he does not know where to start.

"It doesn't matter" she says, not looking at him. The idea that she had slipped away without him ever knowing it is… absurd. That she could die without him feeling it like a punch to the heart… It is absurd, just thinking it now feels like a punch to the heart so how is it possible that she died and he never even knew about it? He pulls her a little closer.

"Are you human?"

She looks up at him and he notices that her pupils are strangely dilated.

"Are you?"

"I…" he begins, not knowing how to finish. He thinks it over. "I don't know."

Her smile is the only reply he gets.

They sit huddled together while the storm rages. He loses track of time but it's alright. He just wants a little more time to sit like this, with her body leaning against his. As the gale begins to die down he finds the silence comfortable. Even their silent companion is pretty alright, he must admit. If he really did what she says he did… well then that's the only seal of approval he needs, isn't it? Plus, there's an upside to a man that can't talk: He can't talk. He smiles at his own joke.

"What are you smiling about?" Her voice sounds sleepy.

"Oh nothing. I'm just a funny guy."

"Humble too, it's what I like about you." She is smiling, he can hear it in her voice.

That night, and all the nights that remain they sleep in each other's arms.

It takes them another three days and three nights to reach the place Iris describes to him. He senses her anxiety bubbling underneath on many occasions, but she puts on a brave face for him. They talk of easy things, and he tries to be there for her though he does not know how to be.

Finally they reach the foot of the mountain. He sees only sand every way he looks, which worries him a little. It has been two days since they passed a well where they could fill their waterskins. Iris looks a little lost as well, but Jun just looks both ways and then steers his horse in one direction. He is like a bloodhound; it's almost creepy how he always seems to know the way to places. She had really not been joking when she had said the entrance was buried either. Jun signals that they have reached the place, but all Reiner sees is sand. Sand everywhere.

They begin to dig but it is slow work. They use the cloth sacks, but the sand is loose and progress does not come quickly. The sweat rolls down his back as he digs. He must smell like a cheese factory by now. Perhaps he already smelled like a cheese factory before. It's a miracle she still wants to hug him, although he must admit she doesn't smell too fresh either.

"You told Philip about this place. That's why he helped you, right?" he says, wondering if she will not want to talk about it.

"I did. He was easier to convince than you were, but I think he always wanted to believe I was good. I reminded him of Syrkov Pass, and then I showed him what I showed you. I… had not planned to like him so much, it was a mistake. Some part of me wonders if his death is _los _way of telling me I was overreaching."

That was a whole wad of information all at once.

"Los?" he says, mystified.

"Los" she replies as if the word is self-explanatory. He decides to let it go for now. They are a few feet below surface level by now, and the sand they are digging through is beginning to feel cold.

"How did you do it?" The question he's been carrying for a long time.

"Carefully." She smiles bleakly at his disappointment. "We hit them with belladonna before going in."

He thinks it over.

"That's not enough. There were at least a thousand soldiers manning those trenches, some still looking as though they were asleep when they died."

"I had a little help."

"From who?" He shuffles another sack of sand up to the edge, wondering if they will ever be able to clear their way inside.

She just shrugs and then refuses to say any more of it. Nothing he says persuades her to tell him in detail exactly how it had happened; because that is really what he would have wanted to know. She only smiles, making him wonder if there is the slightest chance she does not know herself exactly how it had happened… Perhaps she is even a little bit afraid. Maybe he is just imagining it, but this place does not feel right to him. There is something dark about it.

As they go deeper the sand is more firm and easier to move aside. Suddenly there is a crack in the side of the mountain, and as they dig deeper the loose sand beneath them begins to sink into it. Finally they find themselves sliding into the opening, and he thinks to himself that there is no way the horses will still be outside when Iris and Jun return.

Inside there is only darkness. He hears a clicking noise that he recognizes as a lighter being flicked, and then Jun's face lights up. The man lights the small kerosene lamp he holds in his hand. At least one of them came prepared. The small pack he has strapped on only holds his rations and a blanket. The sound of their footsteps echoes inside the hollow space. Following behind the silent man they find their way deeper into the mountain. The air in here feels denser than it had outside and it makes him rather uncomfortable. He finds Iris's hand in the dark and clings to her. She seems unfazed with the strange atmosphere in here.

"Iris" he whispers, but his voice echoes anyway. He feels a chill down his spine. "Tell me you feel it too."

"I feel it" she confirms, squeezing his hand.

He hates the thought of her lying wounded inside this place. It feels bad to him, very bad. If it was up to him they would turn around and leave, although thoughts like that of no use right now. There is no turning back. Instead he walks closer to her, wishing he could wrap his arms around her and walk with her pressed tightly against him. His heart thunders wildly in her chest. The air is so goddamn thick it's hard to breathe. He is sweating but he feels icy cold inside.

He begins to see light up ahead. At first he thinks it is only his mind playing a trick on him, but as they draw closer he sees that he was not mistaken. They come into a huge open chamber, and he hears the trickle of water somewhere to his right. Light shines down through an opening somewhere far above them, and it hits the massive stone slab at the center of the chamber. He is a little blinded by the daylight coming in from above, so he narrows his eyes trying to make out the shape of the thing resting on top of the stone. They come closer and he sees that it is a corpse.

"Aclerius" Iris whispers with reverence in her voice.

The idea makes him uncomfortable. He looks at the thing and sees that its clothes have all but rotted. A plain leather belt is fastened around its waist. No jewelry. It could have been anyone, most likely a poor person… _But the size of it… hell, he would have made the largest war horse look like a pony next to him._

She leads him up to the head upon the stone, and she shows him the marking that has been carved into the rock. Even after all these years he can see the axe and the eight-pointed star that marks this place. He stares at the star.

"The one they made you wear had nine points" Iris says.

"One for each of the titan powers" he replies quietly. This thing he is looking at is supposedly the marking of some obscure god, and it fills him with dread.

"This one is Acleidon's red star" Iris murmurs. "Oroboshi."

"This is where you..?"

She takes a moment to answer. Her eyes are on the mummified grinning skull of the man lying before them. Its teeth are all still intact, blindingly white and huge.

"I found some mercenaries trying to hang Jun in a burned down settlement a day's ride from here. I shot some of the men and he took care of the rest. When he realized that I was wounded he put me on a stretcher and dragged me here." She looks up at him.

"My last thoughts were of you. Of how you would never know that I had been on my way to find you."

The words are like a punch to the heart.

_I abandoned you first. _He lets go of her hand and pulls her into his embrace. Their bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle.

"How did it come to that? Tell me and I'll curse them."

"Warlords" she replies vaguely, pushing her face into his chest. He feels her warm breath through the fabric. The atmosphere is a little easier to bear when they are close together like this. It is as if the darkness recedes somewhat. "Don't waste your breath on them. They are dead."

He strokes her hair. She must have killed them, attagirl. He looks at the corpse again.

"Aclerius fell dead to the floor in your story."

"Some say the Kadjar poisoned his wine with deadly nightshade, belladonna, or as my father named it to me, Beautiful Death. Some say he poisoned his own wine in order to go to his god now that he had done his duty."

"My money, not that I have any, is on the Kadjar poisoning him. You said they were not very happy."

"Perhaps, but why would they have waited until the seven days were over before doing it? Maybe they did do it earlier, but Acleidon protected his son and messenger."

"If so then he let him die in the end."

"All things die."

He can't help but smile at her vague, philosophical statement. Leave it up to Iris to ponder the ways of life in dire situations. One man sees a flower, another sees a beautiful flower, and Iris wonders why the flower grows and where its spirit goes.

"What Aclerius said at the end, the part where he summoned all men who lived by the sword, the gun and the bomb… I've been thinking: What would you say is the greatest killer in this war that Marley and the allied Mid-East are fighting?" Iris muses.

He thinks about it. "If you ask me I'd say the machine gun kills more people than bombs do."

"I agree. So, if Aclerius is to be believed the bomb is the next greatest killer in war-times. And the thing he said next, "the bio-chem"… I think _Jormungandr _might be one of those things. Next came "the fission"; have you ever heard of something like that?"

He shakes his head at her. "No."

"Me neither. Then came_ "_the euritium core" and "Tighearnán's grey mist" – Both things that I have never heard of."

"And then what?" he says, thinking aloud.

"I think the prophecy insinuates that Tighernán's grey mist signals the end of the world. Or the end of the world as we know it, at least."

"Well… that's pretty grim." He looks at Aclerius huge white teeth again. "Speaking of things to come… Supposedly the curse of Ymir causes our lives to burn out after thirteen years."

"As far as explanations go I think it's a pretty shitty one" Iris replies. "But I suppose that curses would not adhere to logic and reasoning. I've been thinking : Were the Eldians normal human beings before Ymir came into contact with the source? If so, aren't all Eldians cursed and not just the shifters? Titandom could be the curse of flesh, a concept that circulates in the myths of many different peoples and races."

"This is getting a little out there for me. What I meant was that my body might be on its last leg... This might not work on me."

Her grip around him tightens until it hurts a little.

"Don't leave me Reiner."

"But-"

She interrupts him. "Don't leave me, promise that you won't."

"I promise" he lies. At least it feels like a lie. Aclerius grins at him like a bad omen.

Iris pulls back from him and gives the corpse another bewildered look before she pulls him towards the place below where Jun is.

"Come."

He follows. Jun had made an improvised little camp.

"You must fast until the morning" Iris explains.

"Who told you of these rules?"

"No one, it just makes sense doesn't it?"

He gulps. Patients fast before an operation, so in a way it makes twisted sense. Only this patient will be cold. He does not believe in anything beyond what he sees with his own two eyes anymore. This feels like the end to him. It had almost come to him once before when he assumed full responsibility for failing the Paradis mission. He had thought Marley would take the titan from him and the thought had not frightened him; he had many things he wanted to escape from. He had been saved on a whim back then, but now it seems fate has caught up with him at last.

They pass the time until sundown by going back outside. Together they manage to push Iris up and out of the sliding sands to the surface. Despite his doubts the horses were still there, waiting. She ties their feet together and gives them water and a bit of feed. They can move slowly despite their ties in order to search for sustenance. She somehow manages to attach a rope to something up there, tossing it down to them. By morning the entrance will be covered in sand again and they will have to dig their way out, but the rope will help Iris and Jun to climb once they have cleared the worst of it.

Night falls, plunging the cave into darkness. Iris pokes listlessly at her food while Jun eats. The man eats the way he does everything else; with moderation and without savor. Finally Iris gives up, putting her canteen cup down with a sigh.

"Hey" he says. "Cheer up. You said I was a debt you're owed right? Nothing to worry about."

She looks at him with sad and desperate eyes.

"That is what I said… right Jun?"

He nods slowly.

They huddle close together to sleep, and Iris clings to him like a baby possum. Her lack of confidence is doing nothing to make him feel better. He holds her, trying to memorize every curve of her body, every angle of her face. Underneath the smell of sweat is her citrusy scent that he likes so much. Her thighs are hard and lean above her knees, becoming softer the further up his hand travels. Her hips are bonier than he remembers them to be, her butt flatter but still soft and firm to touch. He can feel her vertebrae through her skin, surrounded on each side by tough muscle mass. Her shoulders are muscled and firm, her wrists and hands small in his. Her breasts are still soft but firm at the same time, smaller now that she has lost weight. Her mouth is plump, her lips soft, and her kisses taste as sweetly as they ever did. He wants to cup her face in his hands and feel her bone structure underneath his fingers, but he is afraid that that will give him away. For hours he lies sleepless, milling over his life in his head. All the mistakes, all the pointless violence, the things he wishes he could forget and the things he can't seem to remember all jumbled up together. In the dead of night the wind picks up, and as it does he hears what sounds like voices whispering in the dark.

_This horrible fucking place._ He shivers despite the warmth of Iris's body. Finally he falls into an uneasy, exhausted state of unconsciousness.

* * *

Morning light and the absence of Iris's body against his wakes him. He opens his eyes drowsily, almost instantly aware of how difficult it is to breathe in here. The air feels heavy like it's pressing down on him. He looks around and sees Iris and Jun standing by the bones of Aclerius, if it really is him of course. He can see the dark circles underneath her eyes even from this distance. She must have been awake all night.

He sits and pulls on his ridiculous tunic. The air is much colder in here than it is on the surface, even during the day. He gets up and moves to the stone slab where they are standing. The stone is strange, smooth and melted looking. He has never seen anything quite like it.

"Good morning" he says though it doesn't feel much like a _good _morning. _To have to die in this place… pretty grim._

Jun gives him an almost invisible nod before he takes his leave. Reiner sees that he heads back into the tunnel, perhaps to begin digging his way out or perhaps just to be out of the way. That leaves Iris and him alone together.

"Did you sleep?" she asks with badly masked distress.

"More than you did I reckon. Did you hear the wind? It sounded like…"

"Like whispers" she finishes for him. "I remember it from last time I was here too. This place is pretty… intense."

"That's one way to put it" he mumbles. He would have gone with something closer to 'disturbing' or 'awful'. Iris takes his hand. Her grip is hard, her palm cold against his.

"You understand right?" she says, holding him tightly.

"I understand that now or in four years, I will die. It's alright Iris." If he does not forgive her for what she did now he will never get the chance to. He knows what it is to do things that are hard to live with. "Getting your hands dirty" as the Marleyan officers call it. _"Are you ready to get your hands dirty for the sake of this nation kiddo?" _He had been.

"Promise you will come back to me" she says, taking his face in her hands.

He does not want to promise her that because it will feel like a lie. He does not believe in gods, never did. He is unable to explain how her hand had healed, or how one man and one woman would kill a trench filled with soldiers without raising a single alarm. But he knows that the dead stay dead. It's alright though, his life was always supposed to end. He had known time was running out for quite a while now. Perhaps he cheated death that day General Calvi decided to give him another chance, and now it was time to get even.

"I will try" he says, deciding to meet her halfway. Her face screws up and she looks like she is holding back the tears that want to fall.

"I will never forgive you if you leave me" she says. Does she understand how unreasonable that is? "Hold on to me. Never let me go."

"I won't." That much is true.

Iris bends and pulls the P08 from her ankle holster. It is not the first time he has stared down the barrel of a gun. He is unsure of exactly what stopped him before. Perhaps all the unfinished business he would leave behind. He won't kid himself and say that it was because he would not do that to his family. It was not that simple, had never been that simple.

Now that Iris has severed the link chaining him to Marley and all that never would be, he thinks that he can die in peace.

"I'm doing this because I love you. The titan has to go" she says, trying to convince herself more than him. She raises the gun but seems unsure of where to point it. Her eyes are wide and frantic.

"Here" he says, directing her to point it to his temple. "This is the place, like in your poem you read me once, remember?"

"Gods," she says. "I had almost forgotten about that. I didn't understand anything back then… I wish-" Her voice breaks off. The gun shakes in her grip. "I wish it had never come to this."

"The safety, Iris" he says gently. "It's alright."

She unchecks the safety. Her face is now streaked with tears.

"I will never love anyone like I love you. Come back to me, come back and turn yourself into the person you always wanted to be. Don't give up, don't let go."

He smiles at her.

"I love you." The words felt right in his mouth for once. This is it and they both know it.

She bites her lip so hard she is bound to taste blood in her mouth. She holds her breath, seemingly bracing herself. The tremor in her hand grows stronger. Her whole face twists into an expression of pain and indescribable grief. She wars against herself, and seeing her like this is the hardest thing he has ever had to do. This is not fair. This should not be her cross to bear.

"I can't." She breaks down into sobs. Her arm falls to her side and her grip around the P08 loosens until he is worried she will drop it. "I can't do it but I have to! I have to, it is the only way!"

He pulls her to him. She leans against him as if he is the only thing holding her up. Her heaving sobs echo around the chamber. He strokes her hair with one hand, prying the gun form her limp fingers with the other. Then he holds her, feeling her lovely warmth against him.

"It will be alright" he murmurs. "You will be alright. You always made me feel like I could be someone better than I was. I love you."

He decides that there is no place he would not go for her.

_Forgive me ma, Gabi. Forgive me Iris._

He raises his hand, puts the gun to his temple and squeezes the trigger.


	36. 35

Darkness is all around him. There is no sky, no ground beneath his feet, no air to breathe and no heart left to beat in his chest.

_Am I dead? _The cave, the corpse laid out upon a stone slab, Iris, everything is gone. He tries to feel his body and with mixed awe and dread he realizes that he cannot. Unnerved by the possibility of having been reduced to a _something_ floating through endless space or worse, the lack of any space, he feebly tries to push away the sensation of his mounting panic. _What is this place? _

A thought comes to him that is even worse than all the previous ones. _This place might not be a place, maybe it is just void. Who said there is something waiting for us on the other side; there could nothing at all. _He feels afraid. This is nothing like the releasing disappearance that he had imagined death to be. The thought of ceasing to exist had always been beyond his comprehension, but now that he finds himself trapped here another far more terrifying possibility presents itself: The world is gone but his memories and the feeling of shame, failure and hopelessness are not. He could be trapped like this forever.

He has heard about damnation but he never believed in it. How any intelligent person could believe in superstitious crap when all powers of observance and science seemed to speak against it had always been a question he found no answer to. And yet all this time he might have been the conceited one, believing more fervently in his own skepticism and rational thought than the believers believed in their god-person.

_Iris… Did she come here? _He seems to vaguely recall her mentioning someplace like this, but the recollection is so vague and without detail he might just have dreamt it all. He feels a pang of grief thinking of her. He remembers her sad and frightened eyes as her hand had shook, more from the weight her resolve than from that of the gun as she had pointed it at him. She had believed with all her heart there was a force somewhere capable of bringing him back, believed against all common sense that he would come back. _"Nothing comes back from the beyond"_ his logical self urges, but what if all that is wrong? Something has changed in Iris; she looks the same, perhaps she is the same, only more now than she had been before. Her hand regenerating before his eyes, the dead soldiers in the enemy trenches, that grinning corpse with its huge and pointed teeth – All these things point towards a conclusion that his rational mind still refuses to fully digest.

In the midst of this there is his promise gnawing away at the back of his mind. He had promised to try to come back for her, and having broken enough promises already he decides that he will try. But what is he to do?

Not knowing if he still has eyes through which he sees, he makes an effort to look around. There is only darkness. At once he feels his resolve waver and he gives in to despair. The darkness seems to be pressing down upon him with immense force, wanting to devour him like it has devoured all the light. He throws her name to the hungry dark and he feels no sensation of his throat clenching or his vocal chords vibrating, but he hears the sound of her name carried out. He says it again letting the syllables roll musically off his numb tongue. "_Your dead tongue" _a voice whispers at the back of his mind, and the thought brings up some rather unpleasant mental images.

…_Reiner…_

He listens intently but all is silent again. He could have sworn it was his name someone had called out, but the sound was distorted and echoing. He goes towards it, or rather tries to go but has no real way of knowing if he is actually moving. He might have considered whether it is possible or not to move through a lack of space the same way one moves through space, but it never occurred to him at that time. His thoughts are of Iris as he tries to move towards the sound of the voice he had heard.

…_Reiner…_

He definitely hears it this time, closer now than before. He would know that light and tremulous voice anywhere; knows by heart how it quivers with tenderness, rises and trills with laughter, chills with anger and breaks with grief. Far up ahead there is a light, feint and small at first but as he draws nearer it grows in strength. Iris calls his name over and over with desperation and fear in her voice, shining in the dark like the light of a distant star. Her hair is brilliant gold, her skin illuminated with a strange ethereal glow. He calls her name in response but she does not hear his cries.

He moves ever closer, slowly forced to accept that she cannot see or hear him. He is stricken with the certainty that time does not exist in this place. Iris is here and at the same time she is not. She was here once and part of her will always be here, but they must be out of phase with one another somehow. Perhaps in some distant future an echo of her will meet with him long after they are both gone from this place.

Intuition has never been his strong suit, and divining this much from it in such a short period of time is exhausting. He wants to find some practical approach to this situation but finds there is none, and so he is left helplessly gazing her way while she shines a million lightyears away from him; so close but so far away.

Then he sees it.

An immense shadow is creeping up behind her, only distinguishable because of the light she radiates. It dwarfs her, would dwarf any living thing that ever existed, but it moves soundlessly through the oppressive darkness. Once accustomed to seeing it he begins to _feel_ it as well. Its presence feels like an immense pressure, like being deep underwater to the point where your eardrums pop. Even though he knows it is futile he calls out for Iris to get away from it, warns her there is something behind her; but Iris remains where she is. She looks over her shoulder as if sensing it too but the shadow circles out of sight. She turns again, but the thing soundlessly maneuvers its massive form out of the way. He thinks _"It walks on all fours"_ and somehow the realization fills him with dread. Though she must know better, Iris speaks his name again. He hears the question in that utterance, as well as the vane hopes for the voice she so wishes to hear to answer her.

Keeping a close eye on that thing behind her he draws closer, thinking to touch her with the hopes of somehow connecting them to one another in this timeless space, but the shadow turns and faces toward him and he knows it sees him. He cannot see its eyes but he feels its gaze upon him like millions of spiders crawling underneath his skin. He stops abruptly, and to his shame he fears that it will turn its attention away from Iris and to him. He would have fallen to his knees if he had any knees to fall upon. The shadow stands still watching him and under the weight of its gaze he draws back. He sees Iris's face screw up as if she on some level feels what is happening without being able to see it.

"…_Reiner?" _Her voice echoes faintly at him. It sounds as if they are stood on opposite ends of a long tunnel shouting to each other. She turns around and this time the shadow remains in place. Her hands fall to her sides as she comes face to face with it. Her head tilts back further and further as she raises her head, trailing her eyes along the height of the thing in the shadows. It leans forward until the dark hollows of its vast eyes swim into view. Reiner looks into those deep pits and finds its eyes to be even blacker than the darkness around it. They are like doors into another dimension, ancient and terrible.

It speaks to her and its voice is cracking thunder, the sound of mountains crumbling and worlds dying. It reverberates through the nothingness, penetrates him and passes through him as if he is nothing while _it_ is everything. He does not understand a single booming word that passes between the things parted lips, and he has no doubt that his understanding is insubstantial to this immense beast. There is a subtle smugness to the way it speaks, as if it revels in the fact that it is great and powerful while he is small and defenseless. Its eyes are fixed on Iris and though she shivers from gravity of that dreadful sonorous voice she stands fast, looking right at it. Words spill from her parted lips but their meanings are unknown to him; she answers the thing in the dark in the same strange tongue as it had addressed her. He hears his name spoken somewhere in the midst of it, and then she falls silent.

The shadow contemplates her for a few moments before a deep, boisterous chuckle cuts through the silence. The sound rumbles with apparent delight, but Reiner's ears hear something humorless and cold hidden underneath the shallow merriment. Its retort is pointed and almost crude sounding, but it seems to please Iris. The first word spoken sounds like "Vai" but he soon loses track of the individual words. Iris listens silently until the end before she bows her head. To his surprise she falls to her knees, raising her hands above her head in a gesture recognizes very well; worship. As she slowly turns her face up he sees that it is pale but her expression is one of resolve; pensive and yet strangely agog with some inexplicit emotion.

The shadow leans into her and begins to change form. It shrinks rapidly as it dives forward, plunging in between her parted lips, through her nose and her eyes, into her ears. Relling and feeling sick to his stomach, he can do nothing but stand and watch in mute horror as the bulk of the thing in the dark forces its way inside Iris. Her body convulses but stays upright, fingers twitching as if playing an invisible piano. The shadow strains and changes form as if it is no more substantial than smoke, entering her through every orifice it can find until it is finally gone. Her body stills and her chin falls forward to rest against her chest. For a moment she seems as still and dead as a statue. Then she moves; her hands clench as she raises her head again and she draws a long heaving breath. Her face is turned away from him and he is almost glad of it. Iris stands up, moving slowly but deliberately as if inspecting this brand new body and all its capabilities.

She turns around and looks right at him. The strange light around her is fading, or at least he thinks it is just the light at first but then he realizes that she is fading too. It is her face that gazes upon him, but it is not her eyes that find him in the darkness. An almost invisible sarcastic little smile settles on its lips. It raises one hand and puts two fingers to its temple in a parting gesture full of promise; _"Until next time". _Iris fades away and darkness envelops him once more.

His confusion and apprehension mingles with feelings of anger and grief. All at once he feels full of emotion but strangely empty at the same time. Is this all real or is his dying brain just experiencing one final hiccup before it shuts down?

A feeling creeps upon him that tells him he is not alone. There is no sound, no smell and no sensation of that immense pressure that he had felt before and yet he is suddenly convinced that _it_ is there with him now. He feels it moving around him in tight circles as if sizing him up.

_Evil… _is his only thought.

"Iris" is what his mouth says. "What did you do to her?! You have no right to-"

He is cut off by deafening insolent laughter. A light appears and it takes him a moment to realize that is _he_ who shines now. His body glows with a ghostly amber light, still as numb to him as that of a dead thing. His light illuminates the creature in the shadows, the dark thing now standing right in front of him. He looks into its face and glimpses millennia of the strife of endless peoples and worlds, and he thinks that these features will be burned into his memory for all eternity. He feels as if the thing looks right into him with those terrible eyes, and unable to bear it any longer he turns his face away; instantly forgetting that ancient face and all that he had seen in it. It speaks to him and to his surprise he not only hears the words with perfect clarity, he understands them too.

"μαχητής" the thing mocks and somehow he knows the word means 'warrior'. It rises from all fours to stand upright before it bends and stretches out what he thinks is a massive hand towards him.

_It is going to crush me now, either that or force its way into me. I prefer to be crushed; if I feel that thing inside me I will go mad. _While he does not feel his body he is certain of his trembling. The thing pauses and he sees that it is indeed a massive shadowy hand hovering above him with its fingers outstretched. It chuckles in a way that is so drawn out and slow it turns what should have been a joyful sound into something garbled and disturbing.

"ἀσθενέω μαχητής" it jeers and takes him in its massive hand. Reiner tries to prepare himself for everything; to be crushed, to finally cease to exist or to be invaded and defiled by some ancient monster. But before he has managed to accomplish anything in the way of his preparations the thing offers him two final words of command; "μήτις… ἀπολιμπάνω", before it flings him from the darkness. The words ring in his mind as he is bathed in bright light, and he thinks that he hears feint human voices in the far distance. Then there is nothing.

* * *

He wakes. Sucking air into his burning lungs he experiences a dizzying sensation of falling from a great height. His body jerks as if to brace himself for the impact but instead he feels himself become aware of the hard ground beneath him. Someone utters a wordless shriek and a moment later something slams into him so hard it knocks the breath out of him. His chest heaves in futile cramps and he feels the weight of the thing lessen. He gives a great gasp and feels his lungs fill with air once more. His whole body burns as if he has been doused in boiling water.

"Sorry" he hears her say, sounding anxious and bashful. "Sorry" she repeats again. He opens his eyes and is blinded by the light from above. He squints and her face swims into view. There are tears of relief and exhilaration in her deep blue eyes. He lies there looking into them and makes no attempt to move or speak. She touches his cheek with the back of her hand as if to gauge his temperature, and then she touches his neck, his shoulders, his chest and his stomach almost as though to check he is really there. There is evident awe in her eyes, mingled with a look of deep devotion and gratitude. He tries to speak but manages only to croak something unintelligible. A crease forms between her eyebrows in a subtle frown, but she looks at him gently.

"You should drink something before you try to speak." She takes out her waterskin and uncorks it. Before putting it against his lips she pauses and says sternly: "Not too much at once. You have been three days gone."

She puts the mouthpiece to his lips and he drinks while he struggles to digest what she had just said to him. _I can't have been there more than an hour – Three days? _His throat feels parched and sore as he forces himself to swallow in little sips. His stomach rumbles angrily and twists in painful cramps. He stops himself from taking any more water, afraid that he might heave it back up again if he takes too much. She pulls the skin back and shoves the cork into the mouthpiece before tucking it away. He makes a move to sit up but finds no strength in his burning body. Iris takes his hands in hers to assist him, and through shared effort they sit him up. She does not release her hold of him and he does not want her to either.

"Three days?" he croaks and hears the gravel in his own voice, almost as if it has rusted from disuse.

"Yes" she replies, unable to hide the tremor in her voice. He feels shy and self-conscious when she looks at him as if he is the most beautiful and wondrous thing she has ever seen. Her face is alight with overflowing tenderness and joy. "I waited at your side. You were quicker than I was; it must be a good sign."

He is in no way certain that he agrees with her on that account, but he is unwilling to disturb her in this moment of happiness. Something in her words gnaws at him, but unable to grasp it at first he is almost willing to let it go and pass it off as nothing of importance. It comes to him however, and frowning he looks at her in quiet contemplation. Her face falters ever so slightly.

"What is it?" she asks with evident worry.

"How do you know you took longer to return? I thought I had been gone only a short while." Marveling at the absurdity of everything he lifts his hand to brush his fingers at his temple. There is no wound there now, nor any trace of a wound ever having been there. He is certain that it is the right temple he is touching, but he tries the other one anyway just to be sure. A second touch confirms to him beyond reasonable doubt that something he cannot explain in any way has happened to him.

"Oh" Iris replies with a look of relief. "I took six days to return; Jun told me so."

This is not the kind of reply he had expected from her, but he figures that after what he has just been through he ought to be less easily impressed by madness in the future. He looks at her inquiringly and sees her smile falter until it is replaced with a puzzled look. She turns her head and looks behind her, and for the first time since he came to Reiner notices the silent man standing in the shadows some twenty feet away.

"He doesn't…?" she says to Jun who seems to take this as a prompt to come closer. They look at each other in silence for a moment. Then she turns her face around and gazes at him with an air of bewilderment. "You really can't hear him?"

Reiner looks at Jun and thinks that he sees an expression of subtle amusement in the man's face.

"He doesn't talk you know" he sighs with exasperation. She smiles as if he just said something silly.

"He talks to me. I had thought you would hear him too now…" With a look of uncertainty she turns her eyes to Jun again.

Lost in his own thoughts, Reiner watches her side profile. He sees her lips move but does not hear the words. _It is inside her now _he thinks and finds the thought discomforting. He is willing to bet that it is that thing inside her that is able to hear the words of a man that does not speak. He is rather certain that the thing had never wanted him; there had been scorn and condescension towards him in its words, its jests and laughter. It was her it had wanted. She had named him as her price, and for whatever reason this thing had thought it necessary to give her what she wanted.

"Hello?" Iris waves her hand in front of his face. He blinks and realizes that he had completely submerged himself in his own thoughts. He looks at her and raises his brows inquiringly.

"Do you feel alright?" she asks with the air of someone repeating a question for the second time; with moderate exasperation. He nods slowly, not really sure if it is true or not.

"… Do you know what that thing was?" He sees excitement grow on her face as she hears his question. Her eyes glimmer and her cheeks look slightly flushed as she answers him.

"You remember? You remember what you saw?" She sounds eager.

Confused and a little disturbed that she evidently does not remember her encounter with the thing, he looks to Jun. The man gives him an almost invisible shake of the head as if to say _"Don't". _Don't what though? Don't tell her that she has been possessed by something of unidentifiable nature? Or perhaps the shake of the head means _"Be careful" - _There really is no way to know for sure. He feels an uneasy stir in the pit of his stomach as he thinks that everything she hears, the other hears too most likely. He lets his eyes rest upon her face but finds no clue as to what is going on underneath the surface there.

"I remember a little. I remember darkness, and there was something in that darkness waiting for us. It is getting fuzzy, but I think I saw you and that you met with the thing in the dark. It spoke to you, and to me too even though I did not know the words." He stops, unwilling to expand any further upon his recollection. Fervent eagerness shines on Iris's face, much like it had when she fell to her knees and raised her hands in worship of the shadow.

"Yes, now that you say it I have a vague recollection of it too, only I did not see you. I was alone until he came to me."

"Who came?" he asks, thinking he knows where this is heading but asking anyway.

"Acleidon." Her eyes glimmer.

"How do you know that though?" He masks his unease and looks at her calmly. He is not a believer and would probably not know a god to be a god even if it presented itself to him. He recalls that the bible thumpers like to use the wrath of god as a means of persuasion in their line of work, and that a wrathful god is supposed to be a terrible thing to face. Only that no one has ever faced a wrathful god and lived to tell the story, so how do they know? In the fatherland people only pray to one god, and it is certainly not the one Iris just named. Plus, the thing he had met had not struck him as wroth, only terrible.

"You saw the bones of Aclerius" she argues but sees that does little to convince him. "The gods reside in the spaces in between the worlds, outside of the influence of _los_. Only gods have the power to grant life anew. It was Acleidon, I feel it was."

Her words stir a memory in him, a vague recollection of looking into a pair of eyes and seeing endless worlds layered over one another. He tries to grasp the memory to make it clearer but it slips from him instead until it feels like nothing more than half forgotten dream.

"I don't know" he says slowly and thinks to add some explanation as to what it is he does not know, but he finds that the statement stands well on its own. He feels like he knows nothing at all anymore.

"Time will tell. What matters now is that you are here" she replies tenderly and again looks at him as if he is the most marvelous thing she has ever seen, like he is perfect and can do no wrong, like she has been granted a gift of unimaginable value. He feels shy and awkward in light of those shining eyes, and he cannot help but ask himself if his affection for her is not lesser than hers is for him. Would he make the same journey for her, and if not, does he deserve her love? He looks at her from underneath his brows and feels that he loves her, but the feeling is somehow dwarfed by his perception of her love for him.

"It's just… gods don't go around granting favors to people do they? If your god is the reason to why we are here then he should be expecting us to do something for him" he says uneasily.

"I expect so." Iris stands and holds her hand out to him to help him up. "Do you feel any different?" He takes her hand and gets to his feet, feeling weak and out of breath. Some food would not go amiss.

"Different how?" he asks and frowns. Her question prompts him to do a sort of physical and emotional inventory of himself. His body feels like it has seen better days, but on the whole he feels alright… even a little good, he supposes. The last part is surprising considering the fact that he is also feeling rather bad for various reasons, but the good overshadows the rest.

"I don't know... different. You are not the titan's vessel anymore, and maybe I am only speaking for myself but I felt a little different once I came back."

"Not a titan shifter" he replies slowly, tasting the unfamiliar words and finding them unbelievable. "Are you sure of that?"

"You were dead for three days; cold. The power should have passed to a living host. Why don't you try it if you are in doubt? Have some more water before we head outside, when we reach the sands above you should eat a little. Then try to turn; you will not succeed."

The words 'dead', 'cold' and the term 'living host' profoundly upsets something in him. Few things are certain but he always took death and its persistence for one of them, now everything is askew.

"You sound so certain" he says, envying her for her conviction. He remembers the power there is in conviction, the state in which you know that all your actions are a part of something greater than yourself and that as long as you follow the directions you have been given the outcome will be something true and righteous.

"I am." She offers him her waterskin and he takes a few sips before handing it back. She takes him by the hand, and after giving the bones of Aclerius one final look she leads him towards the way outside. Their things are gone, perhaps already loaded onto the horses outside… _If there still are any horses outside_. He follows her, and despite his fears and doubts about the nature of the thing that she carries within her, he finds comfort in her assured sense of purpose and in her leadership. He follows her because it is all he wishes to do now, and inside he feels just as she had said; a little different from before.

They reach the mouth of the cave and he finds that someone has been diligent in the task of keeping it open to the outside. The rope hangs down the side, but he worries that even with the help of the rope he will be too weak to climb out.

"You two have been busy" he says.

"I never left your side… Jun did it by himself." She seems to be ashamed of having left her companion to do the heavy work. Said companion walks past them, giving each in turn an unreadable look before he nimbly and with ease climbs through the loose sand and disappears up ahead.

"So, he talks to you?" Reiner questions her in a hushed voice. Iris smiles serenely and nods.

"What… what does he say?" he continues with the awkward suspicion that Jun can hear him from outside.

"Not much. Sometimes I think he is shy but at other times I feel like he has much that he wants to say, though for some reason he cannot."

"You trust him even though brought you here and let you die instead of treating your wounds." He does not think he sounds accusatory as he says this, but he sees her screw up her face upon hearing his words.

"You don't trust him and that is fine by me, but please don't be so quick to judge him harshly. I could never have come this far without his help."

"I didn't really mean to say that, it's just… do you remember that I told you once that you could do with being just a little more suspicious?"

"I do. You were talking about yourself though." The recollection causes him to feel a pang of old guilt surfacing again. He tells himself that it is time he owns up to a lot of things he has done and said; no more running away.

"In a way I guess, but my point still stands. Had you even heard of this god before Jun told you this story about Aclerius? Doesn't it seem a little convenient that this man found you and brought you to the forgotten tomb of an old prophet serving some obscure god? I'm not saying that whatever it was we met with was not powerful; I am saying that people lie. Clever people lie to manipulate others into doing their will."

She listens to him the way someone does when presented with a particularly feeble argument, in no way laughing at him of dismissing his opinion but merely finding it inaccurate and narrow minded.

"Jun did not tell me the story of Aclerius, Lira did. You think I am being naïve, don't deny it; for all your tact you are not very subtle. I feel Acleidon in my heart Reiner, I have ever since I came back. I have not been commanded to do anything as I recall, but it does not mean that I have not been tasked with something – I have no illusions about that. But he gave you back to me… you… that must mean something right? You are free."

She smiles that blinding smile of hers but he refuses to be pacified by it. He is not sure he feels very free. He searches for a response that will not force him to lie, nor upset her.

"Who is Lira?" he questions, carefully avoiding the whole god-thing. The unassuming question has a strange effect on her; she turns pale and with her smile she manages to look both dismayed and obsequious at the same time.

"Oh, just a girl I travelled with for some time. She told many stories."

She stares him right in the eyes as she responds to his question, but despite her outward appearance of openness he can tell that she does not want to say any more about it. Her hand brushes against his and he takes it firmly. Her face relaxes.

"Do you think you'll be able to climb out?"

"I believe that I'm going to dry" he replies bravely, not wanting her to know just how doubtful of his success he really is.

"That's the spirit" she jokes, obviously not fooled by his bravado. She looks very pretty when she smiles like this, and he makes no attempt to resist the impulse to kiss her. He takes her face in his hands and presses his lips to hers. When they break apart her face is flushed and she seems a little surprised to see his mild and open expression of tenderness.

"I'm sorry I left" he says, thinking that she will understand the meaning of those words without any further clarification. "I won't do it again."

Her smile and the look in her eyes say that she wants to believe him.

"I'm sorry I threatened you and made you choose between me and your family. I will try to give them back to you, I promise."

He nods, wanting to accept her promise and her apology. Right now he feels like he can.

"How are we going to do that though?"

"All things in due time, first we need to get your heavy ass out of here." She pokes her finger into his chest. He looks down, eyeing himself critically.

"I don't think I'm heavy, especially not around the ass" he says, half in jest and half in seriousness. He pats his chest with his hands, feeling his breast bone protruding underneath the skin and muscle. She giggles at his physical inventory of himself.

"Prove it, climb out. It might not be as daunting as you think" she teases with a look of mischief in her eyes.

He wonders about that coy look of hers but decides to let it go. Wading through the loose sand he grabs hold of the rope and pulls himself up. A minute later he reaches the surface, experiencing none of the crushing fatigue he had expected from the climb. He is tired and shaky but feels like his body has more to give still. _"I felt a little different" _she had said, and perhaps this is what she had meant. He sees that Jun has prepared a little fire, and roasting above it is some kind of large rodent. His stomach turns a little at the thought of eating a huge desert rat, but then he imagines it to be a rabbit or something close to that instead and finds the thought more appeasing. It smells good.

Iris climbs out while he sits himself down by the fire. Jun offers him a mild and conciliatory look, handing him a handful of greens of some kind. With a movement of his other hand he signs that they are for eating, and with some amount of trepidation Reiner puts them into his mouth and chews them slowly. They taste sweet, tangy and not at all unpleasant. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Iris detach the rope before she pulls it out of the sandy drop.

"The entrance should be covered within a few hours. No one will ever know we were here" she says as she comes to sit close beside him. The sun is setting and already the air is getting cooler. The fire warms him yet he enjoys feeling the heat from her body.

Jun cuts the rodent to pieces with deft hands, evidently not bothered by the hot flesh. He gives Reiner half of the share, and unnecessarily Iris tells him to eat slowly. He gives them a meaningful look as they split the remaining half between them.

"What? You are much bigger than we are" she says and winks slyly at him.

Well, it is true. He is much bigger than the two of them, and he has not eaten in days after all. This he tells himself and refrains from commenting on her teasing. He eats his somewhat tough but sweet tasting meat in silence for a few minutes.

"So" he says with his mouth full. He chews and swallows before he continues, remembering that it is bad etiquette to do any less. "What do we do now?"

Iris leans forward, placing her elbows on her knees as she looks into the fire. Her voice is calm and clear as she answers him.

"We go east to find my father. Since I know his habits we should have no trouble tracking him down."

"The father who used to be Marley's lackey?" he asks incredulously. He drops the rodent's leg into the bottom of his canteen cup with a 'clonk'.

"Last I checked I only had one father" she replies ironically.

"Ha ha, funny. From what I have heard he is about the last person in the world I would turn to for help."

"He wants to see Marley fall."

"He is a tyrant who tortured you as a kid, not to mention created a weapon targeting Eldians" he cries out in exasperation. Iris looks coolly at him and her eyes express unyielding obstinacy.

"I will not defend his methods. What matters is that he is a powerful ally, and we need leverage if we are to succeed."

"Didn't you say he is not a man that can be controlled? What use is he to us if we will be at the mercy of his whims?"

"I can control him."

"What makes you think that? You said he refused to help you."

"Only because he thought you were a lost cause. When I return with you at my side he will see my strength. Plus we will have help from someone more powerful than he is."

"Who… oh no, no don't say it" he groans.

"We have god on our side" Iris says with a stubborn smile. Reiner shakes his head but hears himself chuckle while he does it_. God on our side… fucking ridiculous_. _"Counsel… leave no" _the thing she names a god had said to him before it tossed him out of its realm, but what good is his counsel if she does not listen to a thing she says?

"Let's say he agrees to help us. What then? What will you do if his idea of helping is another weapon like Jormungandr?"

"Oh I have no doubt of it."

He is startled by her response. "And you are alright with that? I thought you said Jormungandr was a thing of evil; you even tried to get him to destroy it, but now you are alright with it? Is this the kind of people we are now?" he asks, acutely aware that he has begun to use the collective noun 'we' instead of saying 'you', like they are just two parts of one unit.

"I don't like it, but as long as none of us intend to use a weapon like that I see no harm in having it as leverage."

"_Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely_" he replies with a troubled frown, quoting the words of a historian who had mysteriously disappeared after Marley officials had placed a gag order upon him, taking control over all his published works and forbidding common folk to be in possession of said scriptures. Iris nods appreciatively.

"Surprisingly bookish coming from you" she remarks with apparent glee, but growing somber once again she continues: "You are not wrong I suppose, and so it will be our duty to keep my father and others like him from giving in to their whims and fancies."

"And if we can't, what then?"

"Then we kill them" she says with such startling indifference he shuffles his seat uneasily. She sees this reaction and in his face she reads the very same thought he would have had trouble articulating to himself.

"You do not want to live that way anymore, do you?" Her voice is soft and slow as she says this, and she looks at him in that special way again; like he can do no wrong. He shakes his head slowly.

"No, I don't" he murmurs in response, feeling as though it is somehow shameful to feel this way; like he is a racehorse having lost the will to win and is now content with growing fat and complacent as he meanders around the meadow.

"It's alright" she says as if hearing his thoughts. "You don't have to; I will do it for you. _We _will do it."

She obviously means 'we' as in 'Jun and I'. Said man inclines his head slightly as she looks at him. His black velvety eyes gaze upon her steadily, and in his face Reiner sees solidarity, faith and something deep and secret, akin to- He leaves off his train of thought.

"I will do what needs to be done." He sighs, knowing it must be so but regretting it anyway. "Nothing's for free, I get that… But I keep thinking that at some point there must have been a Marleyan who raised his face towards the sky and dreamt of better things, of hope, prosperity and freedom; and just look where they are now. I want to save my family of course, but at what cost?" He does not expect her to answer him per se, he is merely voicing his train of thought and giving air to some of the doubts he has been lugging around for quite some time now.

"There is no way of knowing that in advance, but just because the outcome is uncertain does not make it right to sit back and do nothing."

"I know, I know." He sighs again. "I just wish it was more clear that there will be something good at the end of it." _And that there will still be someone around who deserves that good._

She seems a little confused by his moral trepidation, perhaps thinking it uncharacteristic of him. The question of worth and what is good, or even if there is such a thing as goodness has long been on his mind. He used to think he could live thoughtlessly; that glory would only and could only be bestowed upon him by the proper authority under which he served. But now he thinks there are two kinds of glory, the empty kind which generals hand over to lesser men out of duty and habit, and the real kind that can only be attained by doing good – But when good for one might be bad for the other, is there really such a thing as an ultimate good for all?

"How could freedom for your people be anything but good?" she asks uncertainly.

"That depends on what they do with their freedom… if we even get that far."

"We will" she assures, and then she ponders for a moment while she looks at him intently as if trying to figure him out. He sees genuine bewilderment on her face as if she has just discovered a whole new and fascinating aspect of him. "Reiner; do you believe there is good in everyone, no matter how small or insignificant it may be?"

"I don't know. No" he admits.

"Well, I do. I believe that people strive for better things in all ages and in all situations. Don't look back and judge the future from the past; who are we to judge all the people that will help shape the fate of the world? We will do our best; it is all we can do and so what we must do, and los will decide the rest."

He is stirred by her words, perhaps because she speaks them with such utter conviction. Could he still do his best? At times he had thought all such things lay behind him.

"You never told me what los is" he replies softly, genuinely curious to know.

"Los is the engine of all worlds, I suppose. Outside of its influence there is no space and no time, no beginning and no end."

"Like the place we went" he comments darkly.

"The gods inhabit the spaces in between" she murmurs softly as if musing to herself rather than him.

"How do you know?"

"I just do. No, don't look at me that way you do, like I'm mad. Xšassan scripture speaks of it, of los and the possibility of endless worlds."

"Alright" he says. He is not sure he believes any of it, because so far there has been no proof and because he is inclined to believe in the things he has seen for himself rather than the gospel of others. He saw a shadow take hold of Iris, and while that is troubling she seems to be her usual self now. He tells himself that perhaps it meant nothing, or he is mistaken in what he saw, even though deep down he does not believe such to be gods and los he has seen nothing at all to convince him as of yet, so there they stand.

"We go to find your father, and then what?"

"Then we go home. Back to Eldia."

He snaps his head around to stare at her, suddenly cold with anxiety. Her eyes meet his with the outmost calm and collection, showing unflinching and absolutely certainty that this is how it will be.

"I can't go back there" he argues. "It's impossible; I can never show my face there again."

"You can. You will" she says with unyielding obstinacy. "Eldians are hated all across the world; even if we get your people out of Marley they will never be safe, never truly free. We must make your people cast off their shackles and restore Eldia to what it once was, only then will they be truly free. To do that we must go back, we must return home."

He shakes his head all the while she is speaking.

"It won't work, Iris. They might accept you but not me, never me. We will be shot on sight at best, you too because you happen to be beside me."

"It will work." Her jaw is firmly set in an expression of stubborn conviction.

"How?"

"We will not give them any choice" she says and pauses. He looks at her, hoping for some clarification. He is not disappointed.

"They will hear us out because we will have Jormungandr with us, and they will have to let us go with our lives if no agreement can be reached."

Somewhere he had expected this; why not when she was so dead set on getting her father to join them, but this explanation still disheartens him. He looks at his hands and makes no reply.

"I don't like it either, but as you say we will be shot on sight or detained if we do not stoop to these levels. It'll be a shaky ground to build upon but at least we will have somewhere to start. If they can't put their old grudges aside, Eldia will never be free."

"Even if they do, how can Eldia ever be free when Marley controls a third of the earth?"

"Through cunning and brute strength. I think that if given the right incentive other great nations can be roused against Marley."

"I would never have taken you for an Eldia restorationist" he says and smiles despite himself. He has the creeping notion that promises of new weaponry could be one of the incentives by which other nations might rise against Marley; and the thought disturbs him.

"I only care about Eldia because they are your people, and because you care about them. Although I think that somewhere in this we might find the reason to why we are still here; our task you might say."

"… So I will return to Paradis" he says with a mixed feeling of excitement and dread.

"Yes but not as the armored titan or as an invader; you might yet become legendary Helos." She smiles at him. "Go on, try to turn into your titan now."

Her comment of Helos excites him but at the same time he feels afraid and ashamed of his excitement. Stupid dreams such as those had already led him to make decisions whose consequences had been big and evil things. He has no right to aspire to heroism, he should live his life on his knees with his head bent in humility instead of looking up and dreaming of bigger things. He is not cut out for these kinds of matters, is afraid of them, wants them too much.

"I'll have to move a bit away so I won't hurt any of you or the horses" he says, choosing to make no further comment on the Paradis issue – It will be as she says and they both know it.

"No, do it here. Nothing will happen." She smiles with absolute certainty.

Feeling far from certain himself he accepts the dagger than Jun hands him and places it against the skin of his palm. The steel feels cool and sharp, able to cut through flesh with close to no effort from its wielder. He hesitates.

"Go on" Iris urges him and he swallows hard. He braces himself, breathes, and makes a slicing motion with the knife.

Instead of pain and the burning sensation that accompanies the transformation into a titan, he feels nothing at all. Realizing that he has his eyes closed he opens them and looks down. The skin of his palm is pure and unblemished; though he knows he sliced hard with the knife. His mouth falls open.

"Oh, that is interesting" Iris muses and looks into his uninjured hand. "Try again."

He puts the tip of the knife against the palm of his hand and presses down hard. Half of him is prepared for the excruciating pain that accompanies impalement, but the other half of him naively feels that he will be alright. The latter part turns out to be right, the tip of the blade not sink into his skin no matter how hard he presses on the knife, and the dull throb he feels in his hand comes more from the force of the pressure than from any actual injury to his person.

"What is going on?" he asks worriedly. Iris takes the knife from him and feels the sharp edge. Then she looks at him with amazement.

"It is like I said, you are special." Her eyes are shining as she looks to Jun. "Show him" she says, and before his eyes the man begins to fade from view, turning shadowy until he is completely see through. He stares at the spot where Jun was sitting a moment ago, too shocked to think any intelligent thoughts at this very moment.

"You are both extraordinary" Iris says breathlessly and caresses the unbroken skin of his palm. "It is no coincidence the armored titan passed to you, and now this."

"I could still be a titan host, this skin protection might just… disguise it or something" he mutters, head spinning.

"Maybe, but do you still feel the other hosts in you? Do you feel their memories like you did before?"

He is about to say he does when he stops himself and really takes a moment to feel for it. He searches for his predecessors inside himself but does not find them. For the first time since he came to he can narrow down the way in which he feels different now from what he had been before: He feels whole, alone inside his own body.

"They are gone" he marvels.

"If the stories are to be believed they are not gone, just taking up residence inside someone else now."

He does not much like to be reminded that someone else has to carry the burden now. _"If that is the way it must be then someone will always have to carry the burden"_ he tells himself and feels a little better about it.

"I guess time will tell what I am" he says and looks into her shining eyes. She looks very excited, and from the way she speaks of it he deduces that she is not like them, not 'special' as she put it. "Are we mortal?"

"Of course we are. Immortality is not for things of this world" she says as though it were obvious. "But we can heal even the most grievous wounds like I showed you, and you may have noticed that you are stronger than you were before. We are just as we were, only a little better now that _he _has touched us."

He ignores the comment on _he _and his gifts. "The trick with the flask? What was it you actually drank, I thought it was spirits of some sort?"

"It is spirits. Be careful with them from now on, you will notice they do not affect you as they did before."

"What do you mean by that?"

"You will see, in time." She smiles enigmatically.

Jun swims back into view, looking as though he never moved. He shows no sign of excitement at Reiner being gifted, nor does he seem reproachful that he is no longer one of a kind. Trying to come to terms with the idea of their course from here on and of all the trials that lay before them, Reiner gnaws the last trips of meat off the bone of his meal while the others pack up the last of their things. Tossing the bones aside he screws the cap onto his canteen cup and shoves it into his packing.

_Back to Paradis to face my demons… yes, that is how it will be. I am no hero but… one day I might be a man. _He checks the saddle girth of his horse, mulling over his doubts about their plan. He does not like the idea of relying on a man such as Dieter Holt for anything. From what little he has heard of the man he would be glad to keep Iris away from him for all time. He does not see how they can approach Paradis and be accepted, or how any trust could ever grow in soil that has been spoilt by threats of annihilation. Do their people even wish to be free with all the dangers that freedom would impose on them?

… _Perhaps this is why it is better to leave it up to her to do the planning. I believe in nothing and so I expect nothing from others. She says 'freedom', I hear 'conflict', and my imagination only goes as far as to show me the cost of conflict; strife, sickness and death. I see nothing beyond it. I have no visions and thus I have no future unless I go with her; she is the only thing I still believe in. That dark thing inside her might not sleep forever and when it wakes I might need to stand against it. How? I have no idea, but perhaps I will be brave enough to try. This misbegotten and disillusioned thing I am could do nothing but watch while it took her, but a man might have done something. A man might have tried._

He hears a sharp whistle and can only deduce that he had fallen so deep in thought that he had lost all sense of what he had been doing. He looks up and sees that the other two are already mounted on their horses.

"Welcome to earth, I am so glad you could join us" she trills and flashes her lopsided little smile at him. His heart gives a little twinge of pleasure and gladness seeing her tug her headscarf into place as her horse eagerly treads back and forth. He looks at her and feels a small, frightened sense of rising hope within him. It might not be too late for everything; some things may still lie ahead of him.

"Are we in a rush?" he retorts, lazily checking himself before he gets ready to climb into the saddle. The food and water has given him some of his strength back and he feels young, strong and even eager. Is it destiny he hears calling?

"I think we might be" she says with deadly seriousness. "The defeat of the allied Mid-East is inevitable and there is much to do before then."

He takes his seat upon his horse.

"Well then what are we waiting for? Let's go." He looks from her to Jun. He supposes that he will have to get used to the man even if me might never like him. Turning his gaze back to Iris he sees that she is looking at a point north of their position. Her face shows deep concentration, but her eyes are vacant. He rides up to her side, touching her leg with his hand. She cranes her neck around, the expression in her eyes unreadable.

"I thought I heard something…" She listens a moment more, then shrugs. "Let us go, Qiubei lies many leagues from here. If we are lucky we might even catch a glimpse of the emperor." The last bit is uttered with a certain amount of irony as she urges her horse forward. With a thrill of excitement he chases after her, and all three horses break into a gallop.

Side by side the three of them ride across the desert sands and into the last light of the setting sun.

* * *

**The End**


End file.
